Thursday, February 28, 2013


The Fault in Her Stars

You know that New York magazine profile of Susan Miller, the wildly-popular doyenne of AstrologyZone?

Last week, the French fashion blogger Garance Doré posted about how long it takes to become “a true New York alien” — two years to eat like one, four years to start referring to dogs as children, and just one to lose all sense of astrology as a stigmatizing hobby. “What’s shameful is to not respect people who believe in horoscopes,” Doré wrote. “It’s totally weird if someone doesn’t know his rising sign.” Today’s New York is full of people who will tell you that they never expected to believe in astrology before finding their lives minutely foretold on Astrology­Zone.

While fully accepting the hooeyness of it all, can you just take a second and report how accurate your February forecast was? Was it, in fact, eerily accurate? Would it make sense to make romantic plans for the 28th, when Virgos are to be showered with "fairy dust"? Also, a friend's ex-girlfriend used to ask literally every person what their sign was, and he almost died of humiliation a thousand times (bodega clerk! croupier! zookeeper! girl waiting for the bathroom! his boss!).

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Nancy Sin

I'm still grieving Little Mom.


@Nancy Sin i signed in just to like this.

Quinn A@twitter

Nothing about the February forecast was even remotely accurate for me. You'd think that something would have been right, seeing as horoscopes are deliberately vague, but nope!

H.E. Ladypants

@Quinn A@twitter Me neither! I especially enjoyed all the good things that it was predicting for me around February 14th. In fact, my boyfriend was out of town and I was overwork stressed, so those were probably the worst few days of the month.


@Quinn A@twitter It was 0% accurate for me too, including the fact that the the two dates that were supposed to be bathed in a romantic glow had distinctly unromantic, "let's just be friends" things happen on them.

I too was expecting more accuracy-through-vagueness!

Roaring Girl

@Quinn A@twitter The only thing even remotely accurate about mine was that money was going to be important, which would be accurate pretty much every day of the year. She even said it "may simply mean you will be working hard on your taxes..." No, in February? You don't say! Oh, and I guess she did warn me not to buy any electronics, and I did buy and hate a Kindle, so it must be science.

279th District Court

@Roaring Girl
Leo? Me too. Yeah, I hate the part of me that went, "Oh, I just bough plane tickets - what if..." before the rest of me shouted it down.


@Quinn A@twitter You guys should read Cainer horoscopes, which are totally accurate in every way. cainer.com for lyfe!


@Quinn A@twitter I stopped believing in horoscopes after I dated a guy who was one part of a set of triplet brothers. All born in the same hour, on the same day, in the same year. You could not MEET three more different people. One was large, lazy, religious and into manual things (like, working with his hands). One was average height and weight, agnostic, and into computers, mathmatics, and smoking pot. One was a short, skinny little spitfire atheist who liked to rant about politics, drink on weekends, be as punk-rock as possible (obviously, this was the one for me). Ever since then, I give horoscopes the side-eye.


@jule_b_sorry Um so on February 9th, while playing in the lovely Boston snow, I jumped from this monument/castle thing 15 feet high into [what I thought was] the snow below and hit a rock and broke my heel and it's been a party ever since including surgery and casts and now post-op loneliness.
So you can imagine my delight when my horoscope included this line: "Life will get even better at the new moon in Aquarius, on February 9, where favor for you will reach new heights. " NEW HEIGHTS*, guys! IT'S LIKE SHE KNEW.

*ah the irony


Wow. This is huge@a

A. Louise

"You are on the cusp of a huge breakthrough to happen by month's end, or more likely in early-to-mid-March. You'll need to be strong and ready for the exciting blast of wind and brilliant sunshine that is soon to blow through your window and possibly cause several elements of your change in a way you probably could not anticipate."

Well, I am moving in early to Mid march, so I guess that works?

"Your outlook for a possible pregnancy is strong in 2013, so starting your family or adding to it now may be a wonderful goal you will talk about in earnest."

ACK ACK ACK NEVER READING HOROSCOPE AGAIN ACK... not that there's anything wrong with babies, just me having them at this juncture ACK

RK Fire

@A. Louise Hahaha, yeah, I saw that and I was like "LOLno."


@RK Fire Also apparently 2007-2011 were supposed to be terrible for us, those were my best years to date.

RK Fire

@MEGA VENUTIAN SPACE SCORPION That was honestly a four year period of extreme highs and lows for me, so I was like "uh.. maybe, but 2012 was also extremely complicated."

But hey, we are all super charismatic right now, amirite?

A. Louise

@MEGA VENUTIAN SPACE SCORPION @RK Fire agreed- they were really good and probably my best set of years to date - I was in college, what's a nerd not to love about that - but they were also kind of crazy and overwhelming.

Mercury makes me feel so swag these days, though...


@RK Fire I was crazy charismatic for awhile, but my skills have gotten rusty and now I'm awkward again.


More than anything, I'm reminded of how fascinating it is that our brains strive against all reason to find patterns in what they perceive, and the lengths of logic they'll go through to wind up at an answer they find satisfactory. Whenever I read an impressively accurate astrological forecast, I have a little chuckle at my own brain, and a little awestruck moment for the oddity and wonderfulness of cognition.

Sunny Schomaker

@Emby Yes. In my research, I write a lot about how we're always striving for coherence. We are amazingly gifted at it.


@Emby I'm reading a book on this! "The Drunkard's Walk" - it's a book about how our brains strive to put patterns on randomness, and the odd outcomes of this phenomenon. I started reading it at a friend's recommendation, b/c lately I've been getting horrifically superstitious (I think it'll rain if I don't take an umbrella, knocking wood for any declarative future-related statements, etc) and was hoping this book could help me break these habits.


Mine (Taurus) was all about career progress and opportunities, which...no.


@likethestore I am also a Taurus, but there were parts that were pretty accurate, mostly the going out/being social/lots of parties and events. Also it was freaky that it mentioned digital publishing (that is the field I'm in).

All the romance stuff though is totally wrong.

Better to Eat You With

@likethestore I'm borderline Taurus/Gemini, and career progress? Me neither.

lucy snowe

@likethestore Yeah, no. Not a single hit, so far as I could tell. Which, as someone already pointed out, is strange for any horoscope.

lucy snowe

@lucy snowe But I still feel disappointed, reading my dates of note for February and realizing I did nothing to capitalize on my most important month in 2013 for forging career success. :(

Stupid horoscope.

Tuna Surprise


Taurus, too. It was spot on for me. I guess I'm hogging all the career opportunities?


@likethestore I'm a Taurus and I'm about to go into my performance review... let's hope this career opportunities business pans out.


@klemay Good luck! Hope it went well!


@likethestore Thanks! It went well overall but I didn't get a raise. You win some you lose some, I guess.


@klemay Aww, well I'm glad that it was mostly good. Performance reviews are so nervewracking! Keep up the good work and give yourself a treat for getting through it :)


"The week of February 25 may turn out to be far more romantic than Valentine's Day, but that will be fine with you."



@anachronistique Oh but what about this piece of insight? "If you are married, you may have to table talks about having a baby until July. (This may NOT be the case, but if it is, it would be due to some sort of outside event that makes you wonder if this is the best time to have a baby.)"

Is THAT why someone might table talks about having a baby, if they were to table talks about having a baby, which they may or may not do?!? Yeah, none of this worked for this Virgo, even trying to twist events to make them fit.


@anachronistique you still have a few days left in the week!


@anachronistique Right?? Boytoy has been out of town all week leaving me to spend my romantic evenings on the couch farting freely and openly at my roomie... oh wait, maybe that's what Susan meant??


This broad said I'd buy a house. I can barely afford my studio apartment. I ain't buyin' no dang house!

raised amongst catalogs

This Virgo has been told by her boyfriend of over six years that when his grandfather dies, he wants to leave the farm we live on and travel for months and months. Alone. So yes, my one-and-only is "quite vocal" and spilling all of the feelings.
So when I got to this part: "If you have been dating a long time, it is possible that you will be moved to get engaged" I laughed very, very hard. More likely, stars and planets and moons, I am going to be single.
ETA: Oh my god. I have to think about dating again, with adult acne.

raised amongst catalogs

"Tell me I'll never have to be out there again."


@raised amongst catalogs Wow... that is rough :(

raised amongst catalogs

@rimy It is indeed! It's so ridiculous, though, at the same time, that I think my brain is incapable of fully taking it in.

evil melis

@raised amongst catalogs The worst part of it is that Bruno Kirby died in 2005, so somewhere, on some plane, Marie is...out there again.


@evil melis :(

raised amongst catalogs

@evil melis That is truly evil.

RK Fire

Wow. I was predicted to have a baller February but instead.. it was okay. I am generally feeling more upbeat about life though.

Emma Peel

"This will be your biggest month of 2013 to see career progress... You may stay within the company you've worked for and get a promotion, or you may be courted to go a new one." Well, work was insane and I generally feel good about it, but no one courted me or promoted me, so I'll give it a "half true."

"On February 5, you may receive a surprise phone call asking if you'd like to come in to interview. On February 6, the talk will instead center on salary and compensation." Nope!

"The month will keep getting better, because on February 25, a tender full moon will brighten your house of true love. This is a Monday, but you will feel the effects of this out-of-this-world full moon over the preceding weekend (February 23-24) and later that week, too, February 26-28." My romantic fun was the weekend before, and then it fizzled on Feb. 23, so THANKS A LOT, full moon.

Also, I love the bonkers astrology stuff in here.

"The universe runs on time, just like a train with a meticulous captain."

"It is also a dreadful time to buy electronic items (or anything expensive) as Mercury also rules commerce. Be smart - shop early in the month to avoid Mercury retrograde havoc."

"Saturn will go retrograde February 18 until July 8, and hold up legal matters, foreign relationships, import export, and anything having with to do with academia." My entire worklife has to do with academia, so that seems like a long time for it to be held up, no?

"Last month, Mars toured your prestigious tenth house of fame and honors." This makes it sound like my House of Fame and Honors is on the market. I hope Mars made a good offer!


@Emma Peel "By the end of February, the Sun, Neptune, Venus, Mars, and Mercury will crowd your career success sector, and the new moon March 11 and will join those planets...you've not seen this many heavenly bodies in one house in years" - this may be my new pickup line.


Sagittarius here, and that thing was CRAY. So specific, like absurdly specific, and not a single thing resonated? I mean, apart from the fact that she assumed I was a single homeowner?

Apparently I better batten down the hatches for early March, though, because Mercury retrograde and water signs in my fire house and shiz.

Katie Heaney

@par_parenthese she is REALLY insistent about us getting flood insurance




@par_parenthese Also Sagittarius, and there was one thing in there that actually happened: I got a rare compliment from my grumpy manager on February 25! I think that was probably a coincidence, though.

(Seriously, every other part of it was about as incorrect as can be -- I don't own or want to own a house, I'm boringly married, I don't have any siblings to interact with, I haven't gone on any short getaways (although if I did, to be fair, they would be near water). Oh, and I don't need flood insurance.)


@Elsajeni You THINK you don't need flood insurance.

Creature Cheeseman

@par_parenthese Another sag here and it was so accurate its not even funny. I moved to a new apartment (for the first time in two years) after finding the cutest most adorable apartment ever kind if by chance and just going for it


wow. it predicted my day for good news career-wise down to the exact day, February 6th, the day something I created was featured on the front page of my city's paper. And it talked about taking a relationship to the next level the weekend I joined a new guy's family vacation. And it talked about financial struggles, but I suppose that is universal.

coincidences I think!


Her site is blocked by my company! What did the Scorpio one say? I am actually really curious.

My February horoscope from French Vogue was eerily accurate...?

raised amongst catalogs

@rimy Among other things: "Mercury retrograde would be the very worst time (February 23 to March 17) to buy are electronic items, such as a computer or flat screen TV, for Mercury rules the moving parts of all machines and electronics, not a time to acquire these items. If you do shop for pricey electronic items or furniture, you are likely to have buyer's remorse later. It would be best to shop in early February and leave a lot of space between the day you make your purchase and the date Mercury goes retrograde, February 23."


@rimy - I would leave that company. How the hell are you supposed to successfully do business without astrology.


@raised amongst catalogs How um, useful. Good thing I can't afford any electronics purchases anyway :(

@leon s How the hell indeed! Mercury retrograde will mean you should not, repeat, NOT attempt to make a pot of coffee in the break room as you will surely spill hot coffee all over your new shoes. On the other hand this is the best time to buy black leather pumps, they will impress your boss with your professionalism. Mercury retrograde means you will be overcome with sleepy melancholy at your desk in the depths of dark, gray February. The only way to save yourself is to get an amazing, hot, neon, 3-d art manicure which will jolt you back to alertness and keep you inspired to type!


@rimy Would it be pathetic to write my own horoscopes and then call them provenance?

Here is my February Scorpio horosope for real - if you are a Scorpio let me know if I got you or not! :)

Love: If you're in a relationship, February will see it intensify. You might get into a passionate, heated argument or might have passionate, heated sex but either way it will be more intense than usual. If single you will feel more lonely than usual. A ragged voidish feeling in the middle of your chest. You could care less about V-day but lying in bed at night will bring on fantasies of strong arms encircling you and nuzzling kisses. You may share a dark and soul-bearing chance look with an attractive stranger.

Work: You will feel the need to be productive but lack the willpower or mental focus to truly follow through. The end goal may seem hazy. You may receive a flash of insight this month. Stow it away and work on it when you've come out of the sleepy haze that is Mercury retrograde.

Finances: This month will be a little easier on your wallet than usual! Save a little of the extra cash if you can- you'll need it in the upcoming months.

What to Do: February will unbalance you. Your alignment with the universe will be off. Overall you'll be a little too intense, a little too focused on the wrong things, and a little too lacking in willpower. You might feel slogged down in foggy inertia but you will be able to see the coming light. Take a deep breath and re-center yourself. Clear your mind. Make a list of your priorities and things you have to do. Stop with your obsession on that little thing and look skyward. Stretch out and focus.

Ragged But Right

Literal, specific, wrong-ass nonsense from beginning to end for this Virgo. Work stuff: no. Relationship stuff: no. Unless it's OPPOSITES DAY on AstrologyZone. Boomchhhh.

Though they do say tomorrow is going to be a really great day for Virgo peoples, and some tiny, unreasonable, tiny part of me is willing to believe that it just, just might be.

raised amongst catalogs

@Ragged But Right Let's hope tomorrow is awesome. I'm visiting my best friend, and we haven't seen one another in eight years, and I'm building tomorrow up to be the Best Day Ever.

Ragged But Right

@raised amongst catalogs That is a long time, blimey. Oh how exciting! Yeah! C'mon, let's just make it the best day ever anyway! For everyone! 28th February, y'all. It's gonna rock.


Susan Miller told me that February would be super romantic and I would be up for a job promotion at the end of the month. Both of these things have been true. On the whole, though, I don't think broad astrological readings are useful and I notice I only read mine when I'm bummed out and looking for some kind of hope or understanding, even realizing that astrology is a silly place to go for such answers. It's like Chicken Soup for the Pagan Soul or what have you.


Aries: You seem to be involved with a project that requires a great deal of concentration behind closed doors. Keep working on that matter and screen out anything or anybody who would distract you. You won't need others' input, for your own instincts will be very strong and speak loudly to you - you must heed them.

I mean, I hermitted up and caught up on a lot of TV in February, so.


trust your instincts when they tell you to rewatch Game of Thrones.

Prostitute Robot From The Future

@TheLetterL Yeah, I was at home, without a job, playing Plants vs Zombies. So that was pretty accurate.

maybe partying will help

lol no, not even close. Which is actually kind of odd, because usually I find SOMETHING accurate in a horoscope, and I am a fairly credulous individual.


That is... indepth. But I have not had any good financial news (more of the same, actually. We're financially screwed for another year and a half) though I have been making attempts to improve my living space, by scrubbing the mould off the walls. Also, a friend got me a new cushion that goes well with my sofa.

Alas, no 'small vintage vases' or repainting for THIS homeowner.


Whatever happened to Miss Cleo? She was The Truth.


About half of Libra is eerily accurate -- I did suddenly get a contract project this month, there were miscommunications we should've emailed about, and a kinda-secret was revealed on February 25 -- but I can't remember if Feb 6 was anything special and all the other stuff that fits, like continued burdens lightening a little this month and being burned out physically by the end of it, are pretty good universal guesses for anybody. Saturn retrograde sounds like I shouldn't actually be looking for a new apartment, but considering this one has mildew problems that make my chest ache every morning, sorry, astrology!

I don't really like horoscopes, but I do like astro profiles, because almost everyone I've ever known well fits their signs. I can usually guess people's, too. Someday I really am going to write that urban fantasy novel where people are identified by their signs and have little related abilities, because that kind of shit sells now!


@sophia_h I like astro profiles too, and also find them weirdly and unexpectedly accurate. My theory is that the first few months of your life are formative, thus the seasons and weather have some kind of weird impact on your personality?? idk!


@rimy I've wondered about that too! I mean, I bet there is some scientific basis for why people do seem to slot into these personality types pretty darn well. Also if I'm going to really write at urban fantasy novel I have to come up with at least some kind of pseudoscience to explain why everyone believes it. :)

Judith Slutler

@sophia_h are they going to be SEXY abilities?


@Emmanuelle Cunt I wasn't planning on it, but I guess the popularity of the "cheesy bondage poorly performed by amateurs" genre pretty much demands it, huh?

(It's funny, I've had a pretty successful online "career" of writing erotica but never really thought seriously about trying to make money off it because it seems like it would kill my motivation and fun. A friend of mine recently started selling original stuff in e-book short story form on Amazon, but I can't bring myself to do it. I did try selling knitting for a while last year and it was so exhausting, I haven't knit in months because of it. Sort of knocks down the "do what you love!" hobby -> career concept for me.)

(So no, sexy abilities were not in the plan, but you can bet if they were they would be better than 50SOG.)

Judith Slutler

@sophia_h I can definitely agree on the hobby-to-career plan being less than awesome. I like your plan, sexy or not!


I was supposed to get a bunch of money. Let's check.....
Nope. Still broke.
Assorted medical providers want a bunch of money from me. Maybe it was their horoscope.

Lisa Frank

After reading Susan Miller, I live in fear of mercury retrograde. It seems to happen 3 weeks out of every month and wreaks havoc on everything from electronics to travel plans to work email. Actually reading all of Susan Miller gets me panic-y. Even if she's forecasting good things.


@Lisa Frank It happens CONSTANTLY. My last boss once handed me a calendar (read: several pieces of paper she'd printed off the internet) and told me never to schedule any work during mercury retrograde periods. After looking at it for about one second I really wanted to respond, "So you're just planning never to work ever? Or what?"

Lily Rowan

Yeah, mine were totally not-true. Even the things I was willing to fudge in the overview were more specific and less true in the other sections.


My dad taught high school psychology and one of his favorite days was talking about horoscopes. He handed out pre-ordered and personalized horoscopes for all his students, they talked about how freakily accurate and specific everyone's predictions were, then they were asked to trade with someone in the class. Oh, how the excitement and wonderment at the wisdom of the cosmos dropped off as everyone realized they had identical horoscopes. My dad is like the Cynicism Fairy.


@KatPruska I like your dad.


@KatPruska I used to write the horoscopes for my high school paper. I completely made them up from scratch. I have no interest/background in astrology, I was just the best bullshitter on the newspaper staff.

Judith Slutler

@KatPruska lol yesssss! That is awesome.


@TheBelleWitch He's pretty kick-ass. As further evidence I can cite his collection of anti-standardized-testing t-shirts, his use of Howard Zinn books as textbooks, and his numerous professional reprimands for being the adult equivalent of that kid yelling about the naked emperor.


@KatPruska Bless him! My AP History teacher used "A People's History" as a a companion text to the standard history textbook. Literally changed my life. Yay for thoughtful, liberal, teachers!


My best friend and I share a September birthday and love sending each other Susan Miller-esque texts like "DON'T FRET DEAR VIRGO" and any ultra spacy lines from the reading.

buttt she said a new assignment would be coming through in February and I did land a freelance consulting gig!

fondue with cheddar

Um, yeah...very specific and eerily accurate! (When I use the sign I relate to rather than my actual sign because I was born near the cusp). It basically said that things were really shitty for a very long time, but because there's a "massive buildup" of planets in my sign things are starting to change in a big way, which is totally true!

"The first part of February is a time to retreat….try to carve out time to yourself in a place you find comforting, peaceful, and soothing."
I totally did this. Spent a lot of evenings alone, wrapped up in blankets on the couch, cuddling with the cats, playing Xbox. Soothing.

"You are on the cusp of a huge breakthrough to happen by month's end, or more likely in early-to-mid-March…possibly cause several elements of your change in a way you probably could not anticipate."
There has been a huge breakthrough this week, which if it pans out will definitely make huge positive changes.

"Astrologers are buzzing everywhere about the rare buildup of heavenly bodies…six out of a possible ten heavenly bodies in YOUR sign…A friend will likely be instrumental in seeing you do well, now and in March."
My boyfriend and dad are helping me (financially and motivationally) address some major health problems from which I have been suffering for YEARS. It's only been a couple weeks but has already had a positive effect on my physical and mental health, and it's sure to make a HUGE difference as time goes on. I feel hopeful for the first time in a long time.

"If you are in an established relationship, such as marriage, then you may hear delicious news from your significant other at this full moon or design a new goal to work on together."
I have been helping my boyfriend bring back his photography business, and around the full moon he got a whole bunch of leads.
It also said "If you were forming a tie for artistic reasons, or to support or represent artists, Neptune's presence may be a bonus, as Neptune rules the arts." :D

The freakiest part was when it said, "Earth will be a very friendly place for you, so this birthday year is likely to be simply extraordinary. Life can't always be this special as you well know. (Remember 2007 to 2011? Those were hard years!)" Because wow…2007 is when my depression hit rock bottom and my marriage imploded, and 2011 is when I met my boyfriend who is definitely going to be the person I spend the rest of my life with.


@fondue with cheddar Note that "The first part of February is a time to retreat….try to carve out time to yourself in a place you find comforting, peaceful, and soothing" is advice, not a prediction.

fondue with cheddar

@Non-anonymous Yeah, I realize that. But it is advice I unwittingly heeded, and it's definitely what I needed at that time.


Mine (Gemini) was essentially the exact opposite of where my life is currently going. "Exciting new work phase" - nope - trying to scale back a bit, since I'm pregnant and exhausted, and can't take on long-term projects since I'll be out all summer. "Travel to distant cities" - nope. That's USUALLY my job, but I'm not going anywhere in the near future, etc.

The rest was simply vague, and didn't really apply.


@Ophelia Also that's some bullshit about "oh you're going to have a new exciting work phase, so you better start networking and sending out new resumes and looking for exciting new work phases"
Like, the hell, you're not actually supposed to be that up front about it being a self-fulfilling prophecy.


@Ophelia She also said that Feb. 14 was going to be "special" for us, romantically, which...I guess is technically true for me? In a way? Since that's when ExManfriend dumped me, it will certainly stand out as a special day in my mind for some time to come. Maybe we should've taken that getaway Susan told us to do - if only I'd read this at the beginning of the month! {shakes fist}

Somewhere my love

@Ophelia Yeah it was supposed to be a great month for us twin signs... I had an abortion so, no.

Daisy Razor

Unless my horoscope had said "You will sit on the couch in a SAD-induced depressive haze like you do every February," it was going to be totally wrong.

So: totally wrong.

Ragged But Right

@Daisy Razor I mean, exactly.


@Daisy Razor "You will watch all of Netflix while scrolling through your Twitter feed on your phone and spend at least four hours a day on the Hairpin."


@par_parenthese Could you all write my horoscope for the day? I'm hoping it involves "drags butt out of bed and goes to work" but is there enough coffee in the world? I just don't know.

Winter I hate u. >:[

Somewhere my love

@Daisy Razor I just posted above but you would think she'd have mentioned my abortion? But apparently instead I had exciting career opportunities. (No I did not.)


@Daisy Razor Oh god you and me both. The warmish-40-degree weather and extra light we've gotten over the last few days has been like precious sips of water to a woman dying of thirst. THANK GOD...stupid winter.


@somewhere.my.love Oh man, keep your head up @somewhere.my.love. Here's to February being in the review mirror. :)

Somewhere my love

@adorable-eggplant Thank youI Yup, it was definitely not an easy month.


In general I find Sue Mill to be dead-on when it comes to career/money and completely out in left field when it comes to romance (and it irks me how often the daily horoscopes are written with the assumption one is coupled up). I did feel she was eerily accurate when I first started reading 4-5 years back, but that's faded over time (note I still read her religiously, though).


Mid-month cancer here (July 15th)... and it's eerily accurate. "Money management is on your mind as the month begins, for the Sun and Venus are in your eighth house of other people's money. You may be negotiating a contract, hearing about a bonus or commission, or getting ready to do your taxes. It's a perfect time to attend to these matters, for the presence of Venus suggests a possibly lucrative outcome." Finished my taxes super early this month and my major focus has been figuring out ways to pay down my debt, including selling off my computer, etc.
"Dental matters, such as to have a crown put in (among other dental possibilities), are also covered by the eighth house, so you might schedule that, too." MY ENTIRE MONTH HAS BEEN DENTAL MATTERS including the possibility of having a crown put in! ::cue Twilight Zone theme::
"Keep in mind that Mercury will be retrograde from February 23 to March 17. Mercury is the planet of intellectual thought, so it is not considered wise to make any important moves during a Mercury retrograde period, such as to sign a contract, accept a new job, or go out on a first date." Did sign a contract on a new apartment - moving in with the bf. But we signed that last week, before the 23rd, so yay!
"Mercury rules the moving parts of machines, and it also rules electronics, so it's doubly bad to buy a computer, smart phone, flat screen TV, or any other lovely electronic item you want." Except that I plan on selling my computer and getting a Nexus 10, plus a possible phone upgrade, sooo...
"In the meantime, Valentine's Day will be "nice" but not spectacular. The moon will be in Aries on February 14, not the best place for you." Pretty much. Bf dropped the ball on vday this year.
And the summary: "The past few years have been tense, but you are gaining a sunnier outlook with each day. Although this year is not without its difficult days, you seem to be moving gradually to a better place of the heart and mind, and this month proves this to be true." I feel that, yay!

Judith Slutler

@shumacumlaude Yeah early-July here, but ummm, the only thing that made sense was that she told me to delay buying a laptop. I hate researching electronics purchases and making decisions, so I am definitely OK with that.


@Emmanuelle Cunt I'm early July, too!

I stopped caring right at the beginning. "You may be negotiating a contract, hearing about a bonus or commission, or getting ready to do your taxes." I mean, duh? It's February, everyone's doing taxes.


@shumacumlaude I'm a late-June cancer, and this was kind of creepy. I mean, obviously not all of it, but enough stuff (I have been trying to get money from an institution that owes me, I defended my comprehensive exams successfully, I am trying to plan international travel for research) was eerily accurate that I am well impressed. Oh, Susan Miller, YOU KNOW ME SO WELL!! (This month, anyway).

Also, my love life has sucked since before 2008, so hopefully she's right about that bucking up.

Except I hope she's wrong about electonics, because mama needs to buy a new laptop.

vine fruit

@shumacumlaude Early July Cancer here. The romance stuff is definitely whatever; I was working all day and in class all night on the 14th even though Mars was giving me "special favor" on that day. And I guess it's also "beaming wonderful vibrations" to me until March 12th, so... ....Mars, are you coming on to me? Will the romance of my dreams turn out to be with...THE RED PLANET???


1) totally inaccurate
2) holy balls did you guys check out the comments from rabid Millerites in that profile? Hilarious, and really indicative of just how much people want to believe in something and/or anything.
3) my take on horoscopes is generally "HA! What a crock of crap... sooooo, did you read yours on elle.com today? I mean, I stumbled upon mine. AND WOW IT IS SO RIGHT, DID YOU SEE? I mean, ahem, it's totally awful and my own brain's bias but IT IS SO RIGHT WHAT DOES YOURS SAY? TELL ME AND THEN WE CAN BRAID EACH OTHER'S HAIR."


This is where I report that as much as I like Susan Miller I am in fact TOO FUCKING INTO ASTROLOGY to buy her stuff, because doing that detailed of a report based on someone's Sun Sign alone is like saying "You have blue eyes? Oh so..." and deducing everything about their personalities. There is so much more to a horoscope than the sign the Sun was in, and every planetary movement means a body in the sky is now at a new angle to the other planets both in your chart and in the sky, and they are all important.
I will also take this time to say that I use astrology and Tarot not to "predict" anything, which I think is false and simplistic, but as a lens with which to refract the sometimes confusing mess of emotions, thoughts, and processing I am going through all the time.
It makes me sad people are so cynical about something people like to do and use in their own free time. You don't believe it or want to do it? Cool, that is fine. Please don't tell me I'm an idiot to my face.


@martinipie My great-aunt was super into astrology and working up charts! I like to tell people that the reason I am such a giant jerk is because I'm a Virgo sun and Leo moon, so I get all the worst points of both. And I feel basically the same way as you do about Tarot; it's not going to literally predict the future, but it can be helpful to give you another way to think about stuff that is going on.


@martinipie To be fair to Miller, she does say in her Twitter that (1) you have to read for both your sun and ascendant sign and (2) that the horoscope predictions won't happen if you don't do anything (e.g. that those dates are good times to pursue certain actions, not that those actions will happen on those days).


@martinipie My relationship with astrology got better when I found out I was Libra sun/Gemini moon/Virgo rising, and that gave me a much better picture of things. But I still prefer the personality profile stuff to the predictive forecasts.

Also, because I'm a tarot reader, I have a hard time with anybody else's predictions at all. Tarot for me is about having cards flip up, running through the possible meanings, interpreting those meanings for myself, and then sitting back to do a second layer of interpretation on how I interpreted things, kind of like a self-administered Rorschach. I had to stop reading for a while because everything came out so negative and I recognized it was my bad mental state being projected, so I always went to the worst interpretations.


@martinipie agreed X1000! Horoscopes seem so vague and a little too complementary for me to take them seriously. I love reading natal charts though. my favorite site for them: http://abacusastrology.co.uk/


@sophia_h I never thought about interpreting my interpretations, that is a super good idea and one I will now use henceforth!


@martinipie Any suggestions for those of us who care just enough to want more accuracy than Susan Miller-esque horoscopes but not enough to go all out with charts? Surely there are websites for lazy people like me.


@TheclaAndTheSeals Fill in your data at cafeastrology.com, it will give you a great natal chart report that you can read away at. Obviously it won't be as comprehensive as getting a real live astrologer to interpret your chart, it's just filling in the stored details it has for every aspect, but it's super long and interesting. It is more of a personality chart than a predictive mechanism, though. Astrodienst (which is just astro.com) has a cool chart too and some preview-style progressions for your birth data which are a little more predictive--I think it's under "short report forecast" or something like that. mysticmedusa.com is hilarious and usually spot-on and also great for learning a little more about how to read things like transits, progressions, etc. I wish I had the $$ to subscribe to Mystic's weekly or monthly scopes but it's not in the cards right now.



@martinipie Thank you!


@martinipie Just did the free natal chart on Astrodienst...it is terrifyingly accurate. Like...ouch. Also, is it normal to be weirded out by the fact that your normally easy-going sun and moon signs seem to be completely contradicted by a seemingly hyper-agressive rising sign?? Because I am.

ayo nicole

I only check my horoscope when I'm hoping for something to happen that is completely out of my control. I'm totally shocked that her career predictions were accurate TO THE DAY for me. Romance predictions, though, as usual: HAHAHAHAHAHA maybe next month.


"Someone in your life seems to have captured your imagination, either in love or in business, for you seem ready to take a step forward to make a major commitment to this person, and you are very aware that your promise will be in place for many years, possibly forever."
I believe this is referring to my discovery of Benedict Cumberbatch this past month. (Finally.)


@lora.bee Welcome, sister. There's room on the couch.


@lora.bee ONE OF US


@par_parenthese @KatPruska Okay, it would be the third time in less than two weeks that I have posted it, but....

...should I post The GIF™ to welcome her into the fold?


@wee_ramekin YES.


@wee_ramekin I am shocked, SHOCKED! that you would need to ask.

279th District Court

Also, do any of you live in England and got to see him in that Frankenstein play? I always find an excuse to show the making-of trailer in my theatre classes.




Apologies to the rest of The Hairpin: I know y'all have seen this GIF, posted by mine own hand, quite a lot in the last month.


@wee_ramekin It never gets old, though.


@Jinxie God that lip quirk. *dies*


@Jinxie Never.

@wee_ramekin Mm. Yes, Lawd.

Prostitute Robot From The Future

@wee_ramekin I didn't get the attraction, until I saw this gif last week. Unf.


@all YOU GUYS. You guys. I can't even...thank you. Thank you.


@wee_ramekin NEVER STOP. This is exactly what I need to warm me up with an hour to kill before I can leave my office/fridge.


@wee_ramekin NEVER STOP. This is exactly what I need to warm me up with an hour to kill before I can leave my office/fridge.


Nope, nope, nope---not accurate at all. But my horoscope is always a disappointing comparison to my own life, because as an Aries I'm supposed to be a BOLD LEADER & that makes every horoscope revolve around career, work, productivity, "projects".

Meanwhile I'm just slothing around.


@fabel Haha, I feel you - as an Aquarius I'm supposed to be floating around, working on my various works of art and sculpture while checking in on my many humanitarian foundations. Meanwhile, I work with a bunch of lawyers and like to brew beer on the weekends and blog about politics. Horoscopes, get it right!


omg I will not even attempt to use html again since I obviously suck too much too use it! Sorry if anyone's having trouble commenting, I forgot to close an italic. sorry, any hairpin admins out there. sigh.


@rimy Is mercury in retrograde? Stay away from electronics!


@adorable-eggplant Aah! Yes! That explains everything, even the time I messed up the Open Thread 2 weeks ago. Wow.


@rimy It's a sign of how deep our mistrust of all things electrical runs that we pick a planet that comes around as often as mercury to fuck them up. This is why the machines will never win in the war of end times.


February 2012, my most accurate forecast to date: "Uranus is on fire this month!" The VERY SAME MONTH I picked up an intestinal parasite, drinking fresh juice from a street vendor in the DR.

Judith Slutler







I was all ready to rant about how stupid astrology is until I got to the "ENTRAILS" tag.


Virgo, and completely inaccurate. Like, not even wrong enough to be specific about how things went completely opposite, just...not even close.

I do wish, though, that she could have predicted something celestial-related that would have been of practical value, like, say, I dunno, that my period would surprise me with some of the worst cramps and bleeding I've experienced in years, while I was out of town at a work conference and completely unprepared with either painkillers or tampons on hand. Cue Liz Lemon-style shouting and fist-shaking: "Screw you, you dumb moon!"


@MoxyCrimeFighter Sock + dried beans/rice + microwave = emergency heat compress. Although I guess if you've gotten to the grocery store for dried beans/rice, you could also probably pick up grade-a painkillers...


@adorable-eggplant Honestly, I think the most annoying thing about it was that I work in medical market research, but as it was a conference for my company and not the industry, there was a dearth of doctors who could hook me up with a quick scrip for some hardcore painkillers.

Also, a 6-hour flight when you're not really sure what your uterus is going to be up to at any given moment: NOT FUN.


@MoxyCrimeFighter It's like two thousand spoons, when all you need is a knife.


The funniest astrology people are the astrology people who tell me all about how accurate it is, and how it will give me great insight into myself an my life path, and then ask me what my sign or time of birth.

Then tell me I must be wrong, because I'm OBVIOUSLY not a sun sign Scorpio moon sign Aries.


@Spice&Snails&PuppyDogTails Oh, and Virgo rising.

I have been told I seem like a Libra or a Pisces, but I do not know what that means.


Surprise! Mine was pretty inaccurate. I was particularly struck by the prediction of wonderful financial news around Feb. 6, allowing me to improve my home. That was actually, give or take a day, when I got a toothache that needed a root canal, costing me over a thousand bucks even with insurance. (Maybe the endodontist is also a Scorpio?)

I'm not only against pseudoscience, but astrology is probably the LAST pseudoscience I'd ever believe in. Maybe it's because of my interest in the real-life science of astronomy. I would sooner accept ghosts, ESP, ritual magic, hell, maybe even healing crystals, than astrology. It's the lowest of the low.


Hello, what's this about fairy dust?

My Virgo chart held nothing of note. Although it did correctly project that I will be tired, and that my "one-and-only" will be very vocal about his feelings. Seeing as how I have a 6-month-old baby, yes, I am tired. And yes, he is pretty damn vocal about his feelings (today's 4am feelings involved "OW TEETH" and "HUNGER NOW").


I ASK EVERYONE WHAT THEIR SIGN IS AND I DON'T CARE. Mine was very accurate although I have to read Aries and Pisces, b/c I'm on the cusp. No, I do not care that I know that.


@Olivia2.0 Some super picky astrologers insist there is no such thing as a cusp--you plug in your birth time to a natal chart reading and whichever sign it says you are, you are. This of course royally pissed off my also Aries/Pisces sister who was super into being a "cuspie...."


@martinipie Your Aries/Pisces cusp sister was super into being unique and "special"? I just died of shock ;).


@wee_ramekin Haha yes absolutely! She's also the type to be really snide about astrology so whenever she does stuff that is super her-chart I just have to bite my tongue.


@martinipie Interesting idea! And yes OF COURSE I AM VERY SPECIAL BECAUSE I AM ON THE CUSP. Actually, I am trying to squash that sort of "junkie thinking", but I'm very aware it's a problem for me.


I seem to be in the minority here, but I love Susan Miller. Pretty sure she's a witch who must be burned, except I need her. She was pretty spot on for me: received money I was owed, got my tax refund, scheduled dental work, and I will be taking a short trip this weekend. She needs to be taken with a grain of salt though. She gets VERY enthusiastic in her writing.

279th District Court

Toward the end the forecast started to sound about right - I am, in fact, thinking about finally getting an artistic project off the ground, I did get the sudden urge to go ahead and buy a big ticket item, and I've been getting a lot of positive attention recently...but I really have to take about nine million points off for her suggesting that I'm about to have a new and exciting job opportunity when I invested two weeks in trying to get one only to be summarily dismissed from a job I'm overqualified for.

So that sounds about right - she said so many things about the month that it makes sense for some of it to be right and much of it to be wrong. And I am reminded why I don't read horoscopes - I suddenly get all superstitious about not making business deals until after March 17th.

279th District Court

Also, I am reminded how I always wanted to do a weekly joke column for the university paper - say things like: Virgo - Wednesday 3:47 p.m., DUCK!


@279th District Court
Way back when I was just starting at university, the school paper had someone who did those kinds of horoscopes (or they subscribed to someone? not sure). they were the best! and also the only horoscopes I have ever made it a point to read. I was really sad when it switched to the standard boring stuff the next academic year.


YOU GUYS (especially Virgos).
This is a great place for me to post something I was going to rant about in the FOT.

Okay, SO. I was at the Austin Pin-up this weekend, and one of my dearest friends (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) who is a Gemini tried to tell me that Virgos "just aren't really into/good at sex". (The hell?!)

I think I burst a blood vessel as I well-nigh screamed at her "VIRGOS ARE FUCKING EARTH SIGNS YOU WENCH" and followed it up with "WHICH MEANS THEY'RE EARTHY" while I made suggestive hip-thrusting motions.

Like, just because we Virgos tend to need certain things to align before we jump into having All Teh Sekhs™ DOES NOT MEAN that we a) don't enjoy it and b) aren't good at it.

She attributed my healthy sex drive to my Scorpio moon - which, okay, fine - BUT that doesn't negate that Virgos like sex too! They're Earth signs! They encounter the world sensually (with all that that entails!). She'll readily admit that Tauruses and Caps are randy, but then she's like "Yeah, I was reading a thing that said Virgos are prudes".

CAN SOME OTHER MOTHER-FUCKIN' VIRGOS BACK ME UP HERE? Like, what would a Gemini (admittedly, w/ lots of Scorpio) EVEN KNOW about the desire of an Earth sign? I told her that good sex was the only time my brain turns off, and so of COURSE it is one of my favorite things, but because I am a Virgo, if my pre-conditions for sex aren't met (for me personally, that means someone I know well and trust and am probably on the road to relationshipping in some way), then I'm not interested. That doesn't MAKE ME AND MY PEOPLE PRUDES though! GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!


@wee_ramekin Some of the horniest and secretly-kinkiest dudes I have gotten with were Virgos, so take my anecdotes and throw 'em in your friend's face!

cosmic awe@twitter

@martinipie @wee_ramekin Secretly kinky really sums it up. We just don't share it with the rest of the world.


@wee_ramekin If it makes you feel better, I found this gem in my profile: " So your sign has plenty of brains and objectivity, but doesn't reach high on the lusty, emotional scale." :,(


@wee_ramekin Holllla for the lusty Virgos! I can never remember what other stuff I am (Virgo within a few days of being a Libra with I think a lot of Scorpio?), but I don't know how many times people have told me "I can't believe what a freak you are" because I guess I give off a vibe of being either too awkward or uptight to have fun? And, like, that comes from people I've slept with and people I've just loosened up around - so it becomes apparent, at some point, that I'm all about gettin' down, I just don't do it with everyone or wave my freak flag for all the world to see.


@wee_ramekin Virgos "just aren't really into/good at sex".

Hahaha...... hahahahahahahahahahaha. I am by far THE biggest horn dog out of all my friends. I've never been a very Virgo-y Virgo, though.


Whenever I read horoscopes like these anymore (especially when they're so obviously pasta thrown at the wall in hopes that at least one piece will stick and fortuitously create a work of art), I can't help but think of Dirk Gently and his friend(?) who works at a newspaper and creates horrible doomsday predictions for Dirk's sign, usually also specifically tuned to goings on in Dirk's life. (The eleven other horoscopes are always mild and ambiguous, of course.)


Certain industries will be very lucrative for you now: high tech, such as software and app development, telecommunications, computers and electronics, biology and related fields, scientific and medical research, the humanities, charities and social work, publishing, broadcasting and public speaking, and in areas not fully understood (which are ruled by Aquarius), such as the study of astrology or of black holes in science.



Just popping in to say that the John Green title reference made me smile.


@kellyography Me too! I'm way way way outside the Nerdfighter demographic but I'm glad it's a thing and I <3 John Green so much.


@kellyography What if it's just a Julius Caesar reference? :(

Citizen Christy

Sigh. Woefully inaccurate. My job has been very unbusy and uncreative lately, and I do work in a semi-creative position (copywriter for a retail site). I did take a vacation, but it was a long weekend and not what I'd call a getaway. I'm really excited for this star-studded, deep velvet blue sky tonight, though.


Ok, so I did the 'match me' thing to get a profile of me and my lova. Here are the results:

"Both of you like the social scene, so attending corporate parties and client dinners is something your sweetheart won't have to bribe you to do" Translation: You will show up for free pizza from his department once a month, without fail. It will in fact be your favorite Friday.

"The only difficulties? You are far more lighthearted than your Goat, who is all too serious much of the time." LOLOLOL

Also, all my matches say: STOP DATING EARTH SIGNS. But I can't quit, won't quit. That is all.


@adorable-eggplant FAVORITE FRIDAY?! Well!


@wee_ramekin AWWW RAMMMMY! But it's pizza and it's free.

ETA: You know what my favorite Saturday will be, right? Hint: Whistlepig.


@wee_ramekin Loook, here's a soothing picture of Benedict Cumberbatch:


@adorable-eggplant I CAN'T SEE THE PICUTRE. Way to rub salt into the wound.


@wee_ramekin AHHH I picked this one because he's making puppy dog eyes: http://images5.fanpop.com/image/photos/24800000/Benedict-Cumberbatch-filming-SherlockSeries2-benedict-cumberbatch-24823389-600-449.jpg

You can't stay mad at that face!


@adorable-eggplant D'awwwww! Look at that FACE I want to smoosh him.

Miss Maszkerádi

This bullshit just told me that the pleasant but ultimately "meh" date I went on last weekend was likely to be the most romantic night of my year and the high point I can expect for true love. FUCK YOU ASTROLOGY. FUCK YOU VERY MUCH.


OK, mine was eerie. It said it was quite possible I was moving/buying a house. And I was. My boyfriend and I just moved in to our first bought-not-rented house. Make of it what you will.


I know I am kind of late to the party AND someone has already mentioned natal charts, but that's seriously where the fun stuff is. They're very long and extensive and are interesting and accurate. AND mine personally matches to my Meyers Briggs personality test almost perfectly. I like to read monthly/daily horoscopes for my sun signs because they're silly and it's like taking a quiz in the back of a Cosmo or something but once you get past the frivolity of astrology, it can be fascinating to look into!


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