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Friday, February 15, 2013

20

Security vs. Surprise

Sex therapist Esther Perel addresses waning desire. ("Merry Valentine's.")



20 Comments / Post A Comment

give cheese some pants

this is all very interesting and helpful, but I worry how much use it will be since after watching Perel speak so eloquently and French-accentedly about erotic desire, I'm having a little trouble recalling my boyfriend's name/face. yowza!

parallel-lines

I don't know if I need a TED talk to tell me why I'm so tired and have a head ache every night...

iceberg

@parallel-lines OMG you just reminded me of the joke* I had to start a fight over - a condom packet with "with Tylenol" printed on it and underneath it says "No more excuses, ladies"

UGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH shut it down.

*ETA - on Facebook

fondue with cheddar

@parallel-lines But what if you really ARE tired and have a headache every night?

Queen Elisatits

@fondue with cheddar You should probably talk to a doctor?

parallel-lines

@fondue with cheddar I thought that was standard operating procedure :(

Or are 12 hour work days and two hour commutes a turn on for people?

fondue with cheddar

@Queen Elisatits I'm a light sleeper who has a boyfriend who snores, who also has chronic neck tension, who is also very sensitive to irritants (fragrances, smoke, etc), so I'm kinda screwed. That said, I am in the process of switching to a new PCP who will hopefully take the time to actually help me figure all my shit out.

fondue with cheddar

@parallel-lines YIKES, that sure sounds like a difficult way to live. :(

Queen Elisatits

@fondue with cheddar oh snap, that sounds no good. I hope you feel better soon and everything gets resolved. (also I thought you were joking/being sarcastic, so I was also doing that if it seemed insensitive) Again feel better! and you should make your bf go to the doctor too if he can/hasn't already

fondue with cheddar

@Queen Elisatits Thanks, and no worries...I didn't think you were being insensitive! I thought it was more like, "Um...why the hell aren't you going to a doctor, silly!"

His snoring isn't the sleep apnea type of snoring, and it really isn't that loud. It's just that I'm a light sleeper.

leonstj

20 minutes seems like a long time to say "Wear a wig once in a while."

leonstj

@leon s - j/k of course. The advice I got growing up was, on the "big days" - Valentine's, Anniversarys, Bdays, whatever - you just go kind of standard. A nice dinner, flowers, etc. You build an expectation that on the expected days, you celebrate your partner in the traditional way - and that, in the sappy/corny-ness that comes with intimacy, it can be fun, especially if you don't expect rainbows and volcanoes.

But the real trick was - and I love that this talk stresses the importance of surprise surprise - was that random "acts of whatever" were the key to making it work. Don't buy flowers after a fight. Buy flowers on a random Tuesday for no reason at all.

If you have a split set of chores around the house, maybe once in a while you take a half-day at work, and just do your partners chores for them before they get home.

If you see some amazing gift that would be so special and your partner would love and you can afford it without needing to jointly discuss the finances, don't save it for their birthday/anniversary/whatever - just surprise them with it.

Getting into a habit of surprising and delighting your partner doesn't just remind them how much you love them, the act of preparing a surprise can also remind YOU a lot how much you love them.

fondue with cheddar

@leon s I have a huge problem with desire for a partner once the newness wears off (which is pretty much right after the first time we have sex). I set up a sexy surprise for my boyfriend last night, which had the added benefit of being rushed due to our opposite work schedules), and it took me a lot less time than usual to get "warmed up".

And I agree 100% on the "random acts" thing. A gift means so much more to me on a random Tuesday than it does on an "occasion", both in the giving and the receiving.

carolinaclay

Thank god I'm alive!!@y

fondue with cheddar

I totally watched this last night while making dinner! There's also one where Julia Sweeney (remember her from SNL?) tells the story of having the sex talk with her daughter. It's hilarious.

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