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Friday, February 22, 2013

278

The Oddest Book Title of the Year

Our vote was close, but it's going to Tom Hickman's "God’s Doodle: The Life and Times of the Penis" (Goodreads | Amazon).

1. If you had written this book, how would you open it?

"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a large penis, must be in want of a wife (or a husband)."

"Happy penises are all alike; every unhappy penis is unhappy in its own way."

"A screaming penis comes across the sky."

"You are about to begin reading Italo Calvino's new novel, If on a winter's night a penis."

"This is the saddest penis I have ever heard."

"Mrs. Dalloway said she would buy the penis herself."

"There was a penis called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it."

"I had a penis in Africa at the foot of the Ngong Hills."

2. How do you feel about penises, in general? Be specific, but also vague.

278 Comments / Post A Comment

MoxyCrimeFighter

You know what guys hate? When you poke their flaccid penises and shriek, "Look! Look at it wiggle! Tee hee!" Who knew.

redheaded&crazy

@MoxyCrimeFighter batting it around gently and laughing is also looked down upon.

Emby

@redheaded&crazy Well, you'd pretty much have to look down upon it; some other angle would just be weird. ETA: YOU CHANGED YOUR WORDING.

redheaded&crazy

@Emby AAHAHHAHA AND THEN I CHANGED IT BACK AND NOW NOTHING MAKES SENSE ANYMORE.

jengetsaround

@MoxyCrimeFighter Cause guys NEVER do that with boobs.

Emby

@jengetsaround Hey, I'm equal opportunity when it comes to batting around danglies.

redheaded&crazy

@Emby gently, you know?! gently!

Judith Slutler

@MoxyCrimeFighter You gotta find one of the ones who will interrupt postcoital cuddling to pick up his own flaccid penis, drop it back onto your thigh, and then look at you like he just performed the world's most amazing and hilarious magic trick

Oh, squiggles

I've also found that using a flaccid penis as an impromptu puppet character, complete with a silly voice, is not generally well received...

redheaded&crazy

@Absurd Bird oh come ON that's practically what it's made for!

Oh, squiggles

@redheaded&crazy Well, that's what I thought!

Anninyn

@MoxyCrimeFighter I like to pretend like it's talking with a silly high pitched voice.

This has lost me two boyfriends.

frigwiggin

@MoxyCrimeFighter The first time I touched a penis, I commented that it felt like Stretch Armstrong. Surprisingly, we're still together.

Somewhere my love

@Absurd Bird
I refuse to apologize for doing this, that shit's awesome.

Craftastrophies

@MoxyCrimeFighter My recreation of that well-loved scene from Little Rascals with the Pickle Song has also generally been poorly received.

All geniuses are misunderstood in their time.

peppep

"I have a sick penis... I have a wicked penis. I have an unattractive penis. I think my penis hurts."

iceberg

I'm a fan, usually. There was this one time... the words "shiitake mushroom" spring to mind. Still, at least I had wanted to see that one. Don't show us them unless we want to see them, thanks very much!

iceberg

@hallelujah to be fair, the shiitake mushroom would have been less of a problem had it not been attached to a soap-averse alcoholic #reboundpenis

aphrabean

@iceberg That is a woeful tale, indeed.

astrangerinthealps

@iceberg Better shiitake than button.

iceberg

@Fflora noooooo wait, I meant Enoki - more like THIS.

iceberg

@disgruntled co-worker worth it for the laugh that gif gave me.

Oopsensdasies!

"It was the best of penises, it was the worst of penises."

teaandcakeordeath

@TheRobyn
I was just about to post this! Thanks penis/dickens joke twin.

MEGA VENUTIAN SPACE SCORPION

@teaandcakeordeath Dick-ins

Judith Slutler

@MEGA VENUTIAN SPACE SCORPION Dickin'

Lucienne

@TheRobyn My father's family name being Penis, and my Christian name Philip, my infant tongue could make of both names nothing longer or more explicit than Peen. So, I called myself Peen, and came to be called Peen.

TheBelleWitch

"A screaming penis comes across the sky," definitely.

I hope this book is better than "A Mind of Its Own," which was billed as a cultural history of the penis but turned out to mostly be a cultural history of dudes castrating one another en masse. Historical male aggression, why you gotta be such a downer?

quamquam vivit

The marriage was built to last...

hallelujah

I mean, real talk? It'd be nice if they had a little something at the base, like a rabbit. Not like, spinning & vibrating necessarily, although I wouldn't turn that bit of evolution down.

Cawendaw

@hallelujah Before I figured out you meant the sex toy, I thought you were saying that, rather than human men existing, you'd rather that the male sex consisted of rabbit (the animal) bodies with human scale penises. Which seems a bit cruel, since the penises would drag along the ground when they walked/hopped.
Then you got to the part about them spinning and vibrating, and it all made sense.

iceberg

@Cawendaw ahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahahaha

PistolPackinMama

@hallelujah Somehow, I think the day will never come when men are having elective surgery to add that feature to their anatomy. Which, considering that labiaplasty is something some women will do for the men they bang, seems...

Something something patriarchy women's bodies are property thingie.

SPEAKING OF DOODLES I sure hope I am not the only Pinner who squealed at today's Google Doodle.

Craftastrophies

@hallelujah This is the excellent thing about men with bellies. Six pack? What good is that? Pot belly? Yes, PLEASE.

raised amongst catalogs

"Mrs. Rachel Lynde lived just where the Avonlea main road dipped down into a little hollow, fringed with alders and ladies' eardrops and traversed by a penis that had its source away back in the woods of the old Cuthbert place; it was reputed to be an intricate, headlong penis in its earlier course through those woods, with dark secrets of pool and cascade; but by the time it reached Lynde's Hollow it was a quiet, well-conducted little penis, for not even a penis could run past Mrs. Rachel Lynde's door without due regard for decency and decorum; it probably was conscious that Mrs. Rachel was sitting at her window, keeping a sharp eye on everything that passed, from penises and children up, and that if she noticed anything odd or out of place she would never rest until she had ferreted out the whys and wherefores thereof."

redheaded&crazy

@raised amongst catalogs I AM CRYING.

raised amongst catalogs

@redheaded&crazy From "headlong," right? That one is the gift that keeps on giving.

redheaded&crazy

@raised amongst catalogs also "quiet, well-conducted little penis"

literal tears coming from my eyes.

maybe partying will help

@raised amongst catalogs

I CANNOT

thank you. bless you. honor to your cow.

raised amongst catalogs

@maybe partying will help Awww, thanks, but L.M. Montgomery did all the work. I just...inserted...the penis?

redheaded&crazy

@raised amongst catalogs YEAH you did

PistolPackinMama

@raised amongst catalogs I am embarrassing myself in a crowded Mpls cafe with laughter at this.

theotherginger

@raised amongst catalogs AMAZING. THANK YOU FOR MAKING MY DAY. /endcaps

sandwiches

@raised amongst catalogs this is a thing of beauty

i am actually crying

my boyfriend is going to come home soon and be so confused and i am going to have to read this aloud to him

rayray

"There was no possibility of a penis that day".

queenofbithynia

"In five years, the penis will become obsolete"

(no, that one is cheating)

iceberg

"This book is largely concerned with penises, and from its pages a reader may discover much of their character and a little of their history."

rayray

@iceberg In a hole in the ground lived a penis.

Megasus

I am dying right now guys.

"In the beginning God created the heaven and the penis."

teaandcakeordeath

"Christmas won't be Christmas without any penises," grumbled Jo, lying on the rug."

par_parenthese

*suppresses laughter in room full of 12-year-olds*

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@teaandcakeordeath This is hilarious because, yeah right, Jo.

PatatasBravas

I am actually weeping.

Maryaed

LONDON. Michaelmas Term lately over, and the Lord Chancellor sitting in Lincoln’s Inn Hall. Implacable November weather. As much mud in the streets as if the waters had but newly retired from the face of the earth, and it would not be wonderful to meet a Penis, forty feet long or so, waddling like an elephantine lizard up Holborn Hill.

astrangerinthealps

From the part in The Bell Jar where Buddy shows it to Esther for the first time: "All I could think of was turkey neck and turkey gizzards and I felt very depressed."

No, really I like penises and think they hardly ever look like turkey parts. But still, Sylvia Plath.

Maryaed

@Fflora That passage was firmly stuck in my head for a LONG time before I observed any penises in the wild. Thank you Sylvia!

pointy

"My book has finally arrived! All my long hours of research, cogitation, composition, made manifest in this volume that will reside in libraries public and private for the ages. Hm, how should I open it?"

Amphora

"In my younger and more vulnerable years my penis gave me some advice that I've been turning over in my mind ever since."

alannaofdoom

"The penis was the color of television, tuned to a dead channel."

3penny

@alannaofdoom Someone had to post that! Though "You gotta jack; I gotta tussle" takes on a different shade of meaning...

nonvolleyball

"Call me Penis."

(whatever; I can't even try to top the Mrs. Dalloway one.)

PistolPackinMama

@nonvolleyball Which is followed by the opening line from the terrific novel/Melville Homage by Sena Jeter Natlund:

"Captain Ahab was neither my first penis, nor was he my last."

nonvolleyball

@PistolPackinMama I was not aware of this book, & now I'm gonna have to check it out.

PistolPackinMama

@nonvolleyball It is a very good book!

JanieS

If I meet a man who calls his penis Eustace Clarence Scrubb, I will marry that man.

Judith Slutler

Miss Brooke had that kind of penis which seems to be thrown into relief by poor dress.

Vera Knoop

Stately, plump Buck Mulligan came from the stairhead, bearing a bowl of penis on which a mirror and a razor lay crossed.

shumacumlaude

@Vera Knoop Stately, plump penis...
Stately, plump Buck Mulligan came from the penis, bearing a bowl of lotion...

Gives new meaning to the "scrotum-tightening sea."

Vera Knoop

@shumacumlaude To be fair, it's not far from any line of Joyce to penisland. (Obligatory)

3penny

"Where's Papa going with that penis?" said Fern to her mother as they were setting the table for breakfast.

laserbeams

"It was the day my penis exploded."

wee_ramekin

"It was a bright, cold day in April, and the penises were striking thirteen."

thebrawn

@wee_ramekin "It was a bright, cold penis in April, and the cocks were striking thirteen."
(Sorry, not sorry.)

oboe-d-amore

Okay, all of the first sentences are great, but come on guys. It would have to be "There was a penis called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it."

wee_ramekin

@oboe-d-amore But that was in the OG post!

oboe-d-amore

@wee_ramekin No, I know! I just think that nothing can possibly beat that. :-D

tibia

As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself transformed in his bed into a gigantic penis.

Kristen

"Penis, light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul, the tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps down the palate to tap, at three, on the teeth. PE. EN. IS.

par_parenthese

"Mr. Jones, of the Manor Farm, had locked the penises up for the night, but was too drunk to remember to shut the pop-holes."

par_parenthese

"I have just returned from a visit to my landlord - the solitary penis that I shall be troubled with."

More accurate than the original?

par_parenthese

"You will rejoice to hear that no penis has accompanied the commencement of an enterprise which you have regarded with such evil forebodings."

par_parenthese

"Scarlett O'Hara was not beautiful, but men seldom realized it when caught by her penis as the Tarleton twins were."

I AM LAUGHING SO HARD AND SO SILENTLY BECAUSE CLASSROOM FULL OF 12-YEAR-OLDS TAKING A TEST.

raised amongst catalogs

@par_parenthese Those kids would LOVE this thread.

teaandcakeordeath

@raised amongst catalogs
I LOVE THIS THREAD. No really, books + middle school penis humour are a few of my favourite things.

teaandcakeordeath

@teaandcakeordeath
I admit I'm immature

wee_ramekin

Two penises, both alike in dignity,
In fair Verona, where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where civil blood makes civil penises unclean.

From forth the fatal loins of these two penises
A pair of star-crossed penises take their life,
Whose misadventured piteous overthrows
Doth with their death bury their penises' strife.

The fearful passage of their penis-marked love
And the continuance of their penises' rage,
Which but their children's end, naught could remove,
Is now the two-hours' traffic of our stage;
The which if you with patient penis attend,
What here shall miss, our penis shall strive to mend.

wee_ramekin

@wee_ramekin "A plague o' both your penises!"

redheaded&crazy

@wee_ramekin ...

Two penises diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

...

Two penises diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

wee_ramekin

@redheaded&crazy "I want to do with you what the penis does with the cherry trees". ~ Pablo Neruda

raised amongst catalogs

@wee_ramekin "Do you bite your penis at us, sir?"

Judith Slutler

@wee_ramekin Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him, Horatio. A fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy; he hath borne me on his penis a thousand times.

par_parenthese

@wee_ramekin "Now is the winter of our discontent
Made glorious summer by this penis of York."

wee_ramekin

@Emmanuelle Cunt

D:

wee_ramekin

@par_parenthese

There is nothing either good or bad; but a penis makes it so.

wee_ramekin

@wee_ramekin

“There are more penises in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.”

teaandcakeordeath

@wee_ramekin
“Did my heart love till now? forswear it, sight! For I ne'er saw true penis till this night.”

par_parenthese

@wee_ramekin "Frailty, thy name is penis!"

par_parenthese

@teaandcakeordeath "But soft! What penis through yonder window breaks?" OUCH

teaandcakeordeath

@par_parenthese

Should I compare thee to a Summer's penis?

wee_ramekin

@teaandcakeordeath

THIS ABOVE ALL: to thine own penis be true.

Oh, squiggles

"A penis by any other name would smell as sweet"

par_parenthese

@wee_ramekin "Did you think I meant country penises?"

This thread is very close to folding in on itself because I don't think Shakespeare ever met a dick joke he didn't immediately make.

SuperGogo

Let me not to the marriage of true penises
Admit impediments. A penis is not a penis
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his penis be taken.
Penis is not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Penis alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever...penised.

wee_ramekin

@par_parenthese

Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have a penis thrust upon them.

rayray

@par_parenthese I cannot upvote 'frailty, thy name is penis' enough.

teaandcakeordeath

@wee_ramekin
My kingdom for a penis!

Cawendaw

@wee_ramekin Let us go then, you and I
While the penis is spread out against the sky
Like a labia pressed against a skylight.
Let us go through certain half-deserted asses
The murmuring crevasses
Of restless nights with sketchy take-out food
And urgent hours in a toilet mood.
Hours that stretch like too-insistent sounding
With drawn-in breaths abounding
That lead you to a sudden, wet ejection.
Oh, do not feign dejection
Let us go with an erection.

In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.

The purple cock that rubs its glans upon the window-panes
The purple dick that rubs its urethra on the window-panes
Slipped its head into the corners of the evening,
Lingered over the lips that stand in drains,
Let fall upon its back the smegma that falls from foreskins,
Slipped through the terrace, made a sudden leap,
And seeing that it was a soft October night,
Curled once about the house, and went to sleep.

rayray

@par_parenthese Thereby hangs a tail.

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@everyone I. AM. CRYING. AT. WORK. over this thread.

RK Fire

@Cawendaw

Here we go round the prickly penis
Prickly penis prickly penis
Here we go round the prickly penis
At five o’clock in the morning.

Between the idea
And the reality
Between the motion
And the act
Falls the Penis

For Thine is the Scrotum

Between the conception
And the creation
Between the emotion
And the response
Falls the Penis

The Shaft is very long

Between the desire
And the spasm
Between the potency
And the existence
Between the essence
And the descent
Falls the Penis

For Thine is the Scrotum

For Thine is
Life is
For Thine is the

This is the way the penis ends
This is the way the penis ends
This is the way the penis ends
Not with a bang, but with a whimper

teaandcakeordeath

@wee_ramekin
Some penises rise by sin. Some by virtue fall.

RNL
RNL

I saw the best penises of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked,

dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix,

angelheaded penises burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night,

who poverty and tatters and hollow-eyed and high sat up smoking in the supernatural darkness of cold-water flats floating across the tops of cities contemplating jazz

tibia

[edit: beat to this joke downthread!]

ms. alex

@Cawendaw T.S. Eliot and penis jokes. How could tonight possibly get any better?

3penny

@Cawendaw Dos patrias tengo yo: Pene y la noche.
¿O son uno los dos?

sheistolerable

@wee_ramekin I can't believe this didn't make it into the greatest hits post. Bravo!

wee_ramekin

@sheistolerable Well, you know. Crowds these days. If it's not a bastardization of The Bard with hip, young actors and a fancy costume budget, studios won't touch it with a ten foot p[enis]ole. That's just the industry, man. *long-suffering sigh*

rayray

@wee_ramekin NO NO NO I READ THAT AS PENIS(HOLE).

highfivesforall

"Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendía was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover penis."

schrodingers_cat

@highfivesforall THANK YOU! I was wondering why this one hadn't come up yet.

hallelujah

@highfivesforall MY FAVORITE BOOK. Also, I like it as "Many years later, as he faced the penis squad..."

TARDIStime

@schrodingers_cat "come up", LOL

wee_ramekin

A Modest Proposal by Jonathan Swift

For Preventing The Penises of Poor People in Ireland
From Being Aburden to Their Parents or Country, and
For Making Them Beneficial to The Public

mysterygirl

The cold passed reluctantly from the earth, and the retiring fogs revealed a penis stretched out on the hills, resting.

Are They Biting Ducks?

"The Penis lived in a lilac wood and it lived all alone."

TheGenYgirl

If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy penis was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me and my penis, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don't feel like going into my penis, if you want to know the truth.

Oh, squiggles

"A long time ago, in a penis far, far away..."

Oh, squiggles

“It’s lovely to live on a penis. We had the sky up there, all speckled with stars, and we used to lay on our backs and look up at them, and discuss about whether they was made or only just happened.”

Oh, squiggles

“Whenever you feel like criticizing any penis…just remember that all the people in this world haven’t had the penis that you’ve had.”

Oh, squiggles

"If I have to steal or kill - as God is my witness, I'm never going to be penis again.

Oh, squiggles

"O, my penis's like a red, red rose, That's newly sprung in June."

area@twitter

“In a hole in the ground there lived a penis. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a penis-hole, and that means comfort.”

Also: I love everybody in this thread.

nik
nik

@area@twitter "When Mr. Bilbo Baggins of Bag End announced that he would shortly be celebrating his penis with a party of special magnificence, there was much talk and excitement in Hobbiton."

Craftastrophies

@area@twitter My dude and I started reading that aloud to each other but we had to stop because I couldn't stop laughing at all the innuendo. 'A nasty, dirty wet hole' is GOLDEN.

wee_ramekin

I know why the caged penis sings.

maybe partying will help

"The old penis stands looking down over rockslides, stupidly triumphant."

stuffisthings

Surely you mean "A penis comes across the sky"? That was the first one I thought of when I started the list.

Lucienne

"Penises at a distance have every man's wish on board."

Prostitute Robot From The Future

We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the penis began to take hold.

stuffisthings

"I am a sick man… I am a spiteful man. I am an unpleasant man. I think my penis is diseased."

stuffisthings

@stuffisthings ...and all the others I was hoping to do are taken. Nice work everyone, pat yourselves on the back.

wee_ramekin

@stuffisthings "...pat yourselves on the back penis."

Lucienne

I never knew the old penis, before the war, with its Strauss music, its glamour and easy charm.

stuffisthings

@Lucienne Penises? Don't be melodramatic. Look down there. Tell me. Would you really feel any pity if one of those cocks stopped moving forever?

Lucienne

@stuffisthings Penises are at the bottom of everything, Martin. Leave penises to the professionals.

geek_tragedy

@Lucienne

This is truly the best penis joke I've ever heard.

Lucienne

@geek_tragedy Thanks! I'm sure Graham Greene appreciates it.

likethestore

Last night I dreamt of penises again?

(Apologies if this is a repeat, reading the Pin on an iPhone is vexing.)

Lucienne

@likethestore They used to hang penises at Four Turnings in the old days.

Lucienne

One is not born, but rather becomes, a penis.

City_Dater

And as I sit here shaking with laughter, I eagerly await the companion post: TEXTS FROM A PENIS.

iceberg

@City_Dater yesssssssssssssssssss

iceberg

@iceberg no, they would all just be like:
sup
...you awake?
hey girl wats up

iceberg

@iceberg heres a pic of me right now lol

Cawendaw

@City_Dater ADJUST ME
i cant right now
i'm in a meeting
BUT I'M GETTING PINCHED BETWEEN THE OUTSIDE OF YOUR BRIEFS AND YOUR PANTS
WHY DO YOU WEAR BRIEFS
THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER WEAR BRIEFS
just wait, like, ten minutes tops
JUST GRAB YOUR CROTCH AND PUT ME ALL THE WAY INSIDE YOUR BRIEFS
DO IT STEALTHILY
there is no way to stealthily grab my crotch
just be patient
BUT IT'S PINCHY :( :(
well tough
DID YOU SAY HARD
no
I CAN DO HARD
don't it'll make things worse for both of us
YUP, FEELING KINDA TUMESCENT
goddamn it this is why i have to wear briefs

Cawendaw

WHY DO YOU NEVER TAKE ME OUT IN PUBLIC
ARE YOU ASHAMED OF ME
yes

Cawendaw

where are you?
IT WAS SO COLLLLLD
SO COLD I COULD NOT STAY
I AM IN A BETTER PLACE NOW. FAR FAR AWAY.
YOU WILL NEVER FIND ME
seriously where are you i need you for something
WHEREVER I AM, KNOW THAT I AM THINKING OF YOU
BUT DO NOT LOOK FOR ME

iceberg

@Cawendaw
"YOU WILL NEVER FIND ME
seriously where are you i need you for something"

ahhh I am laughing so hard at this ("hard")

wee_ramekin

@Cawendaw Can't.....breathe....*gasp*....

IT WAS SO COLLLLD!

rayray

@Cawendaw Had to stifle a guffaw at this. Brava.

iceberg

@rayray wait, isn't @Cawendaw a dude? These texts seemed so... informed.

Cawendaw

@iceberg Doesn't matter! Death of the author!
(whose userpic, I might point out, is bearded and mustachioed)

rayray

@iceberg, @Cawendaw - My bad! Bravo. Didn't spot the avatar, but even if I had, that's no guarantee. For example, I'm not holding a book right now.

iceberg

@Cawendaw [obligatory remarks about how having a penis, beard and moustache =/= necessarily dudeness] I just was questioning whether it should be Brava or Bravo :) - Bravi?

area@twitter

@Cawendaw Please, please makes "Texts From A Penis" a thing. Please. (the lols, I die from them)

Cawendaw

@iceberg Doesn't matter! Death of the declension!

rayray

@iceberg Ahhh screw Italian and its gendered grammar. WELLDONE!

iceberg

@rayray I know! really i was just trying to hide my curiosity at the answer of the question inside my "correction" :)

wee_ramekin

@area@twitter Also, I love that A Penis texts in all caps (of course). Puts me in mind of Rochester in Texts From Jane Eyre.

Anninyn

@Cawendaw These made me laugh so hard I woke my cats

Cawendaw

HEY IS THAT KATHY?
shhhhhh
KATHY, YOU LOOK REALLY PRETTY TODAY!
shut up shut up shut uuuuup
HI KATHY!
KATHY I LIKE YOUR SHIRT
it's cathy you twat shut up
HEY ARE YOU TALKING TO HER NOW
yes shut up
ASK HER IF SHE WANTS TO VISIT
I'M A REALLY GOOD HOST
i will do no such thing
HANG ON, I CAN ALMOST SEE HER
i hate you
HIIIIII CATHYYYY!
stop that
I'M JUST TRYING TO WAVE
TELL HER I SAY HI

rayray

@Cawendaw Texts from Heathcliff's penis?

Cawendaw

U NEVER VISIT ME ANYMORE :C
i kno :(
my parents said we can't be friends no more
I MISS U
i miss u 2
i think i can sneak out an visit tonight tho
YAAAAAY :)

area@twitter

@Cawendaw "I'M JUST TRYING TO WAVE
TELL HER I SAY HI"
I can't read these at work any more, you're making me laugh too hard. Well done indeed.

Cawendaw

I DREW YOU A PICTURE
you what?
OF YOU AND ME ON A MOUNTAIN
IT SAYS "BEST FRIENDS FOREVER"
that's just a bunch of bubbles
YOU JUST DON'T APPRECIATE THE MEDIUM
IT IS BRILLIANT AND TOUCHING
it's in a toilet bowl
AND AVANTE GARDE
WILL YOU PUT IT ON THE FRIDGE?
how would i even do that
WHAT AM I, THE BRAIN?
let me ask
he says no, also that it's just a bunch of bubbles.
FINE I'LL ERASE IT.
THERE. NO MORE PICTURE.
oh i see it now
it's a squirrel
YOU'RE AN ASS.
i'm telling him you said that

highfivesforall

@Cawendaw WHAT AM I, THE BRAIN?

Never stop.

Lucienne

Sing to me of the penis, Muse,
the penis of twists and turns driven
time and again off course

Lucienne

@Lucienne Guys, can I just say how happy I am I didn't just stay in bed this morning?

Nicole Cliffe

O for a Penis of fire, that would ascend
The brightest heaven of invention...

Vera Knoop

@Lucienne Arma phallumque cano...

melmuu

"Where's Papa going with that penis?" said Fern to her mother as they were setting the table for breakfast.

likethestore

@melmuu This might be my favourite because of the horrible implications.

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

"Mr. and Mrs. Penis, of number four, Privet Drive, were proud to say they were perfectly normal, thank you very much."

TARDIStime

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose
Number Foreskin Penis Drive
Little Wanking
Sexy

geek_tragedy

"Of Man's First Penis, and the Fruit
Of that Forbidden Penis, whose mortal tast
Brought Death into the World, and all our woe..."

geek_tragedy

Or better yet!
"which way shall I fly
Infinite wrauth and infinite penis?
Which way I fly is penis; myself am penis;
And, in the lowest penis, a lower penis
Still threatening to devour me opens wide,
To which the penis I suffer seems a Heaven."

leonstj

WHAN that penisse with his shoures soote the droghte of Marche hath perced to the roote, and bathed every veyne in swiche licour, Of which vertu engendred is the flour;

wee_ramekin

@leon s I love you.

...And specially, from every shires ende
Of Engelond, to Caunterbury they wende,
The holy blisful penisse for to seke,
That hem hath holpen, whan that they were seke.

par_parenthese

@leon s This one. This is my favorite.

nik
nik

"The first thing I remember is being under something. It was a table, I saw a table leg, I saw the legs of the people, and a portion of the penis hanging down."

H.E. Ladypants

While not a literary quote, this does seem like a good place to put this. http://mydickband.bandcamp.com/album/my-dicks-double-full-length-release

Orinoco Dick is strangely charming.

nonvolleyball

@H.E. Ladypants I like "Fields of Dick / Dicks of Gold" myself.

Elsajeni

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The penis cannot hear the falconer

Elsajeni

@Elsajeni (Although the ending lines might be better in this case:
And what rough penis, its hour come round at last,
Slouches toward Bethlehem to be born?)

RK Fire

@Elsajeni Ahhh I was just thinking about inserting penises into that poem. (Har har.)

RNL
RNL

@Elsajeni Mere anarchy is loosed upon the penis!

Mere penis is loosed upon the world?

Elsajeni

@Elsajeni All right as long as I'm doing poetry.

Whose penis this is I think I know.
His house is in the village, though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his penis fill up with snow.
...
The penis is lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Lucienne

@Elsajeni Something there is that doesn't love a penis.

geek_tragedy

In a village of La Mancha, the name of which I have no desire to call to mind, there lived not long since one of those penises...The age of this penis of ours was bordering on fifty; he was of a hardy habit, spare, gaunt-featured, a very early riser and a great sportsman. They will have it his surname was Quixada or Quesada (for here there is some difference of opinion among the authors who write on the subject), although from reasonable conjectures it seems plain that he was called Quexana.

blueblazes

"Once upon a time there were four little Penises, and their names were-Flopsy, Mopsy, Cotton-tail, and Peter."

likethestore

@blueblazes PETER.

RK Fire

I have eaten
the penises
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold

area@twitter

@RK Fire okay this almost made me spit lukewarm tea all over my computer screen.

Craftastrophies

@RK Fire I was SO HOPING that someone had done this one already. Bless you.

leonstj

I saw the greatest penisse of my generation destroyed by madness, starving, hysterical, naked

nik
nik

"If you want to find Cherry Tree Lane, all you have to do is ask a penis at the crossroads."

nik
nik

"The Mole had been working very hard all the morning, spring-cleaning his little penis."

Nicole Cliffe

GO and catch a falling penis,
Get with child a mandrake root,
Tell me where all past years are,
Or who cleft the devil's vulva,
Teach me to hear mermaids singing,
Or to keep off envy's stinging,
And find
What wind
Serves to advance an honest mind.

If thou be'st born to strange sights,
Things invisible to see,
Ride ten thousand days and nights,
Till age snow white hairs on thee,
Thou, when thou return'st, wilt tell me,
All strange wonders that befell thee,
And swear,
No where
Lives a penis true and fair.

If thou find'st one, let me know,
Such a pilgrimage were sweet;
Yet do not, I would not go,
Though at next door we might meet,
Though he were true, when you met him,
And last, till you write your letter,
Yet he
Will be
False, ere I come, to two, or three.

Nicole Cliffe

Penis, I have had to kill you.
You died before I had time--
Marble-heavy, a bag full of God,
Ghastly statue with one gray toe
Big as a Frisco seal

raised amongst catalogs

@Nicole Cliffe

Out of the ash
I rise with my red penis
And eat men like air.

wee_ramekin

I can listen no longer in silence. I must speak to you by such means as are within my reach [heh]. You pierce my penis. I am half agony, half hope. Tell me not that I am too late, that such precious feelings are gone for ever. I offer myself to you again with a penis even more your own than when you almost broke it, eight years and a half ago. Dare not say that a penis forgets sooner than woman, that his love has an earlier death. I have loved none but you.

SuperGogo

@wee_ramekin *broke it
D:

Also: I love that you couldn't resist that [heh] aside.

RK Fire

@wee_ramekin yesssssss

Craftastrophies

@wee_ramekin Sir Walter Elliot, of Kellynch Hall, in Somersetshire, was a man who, for his own amusement, never took up any penis but the Baronetage; there he found occupation for an idle penis, and consolation in a distressed one; there his penis was roused into admiration and respect; by contempating the limited remnant of the earliest penis; there any unwelcome sensations, arising from domestic penises, changed naturally into pity and contempt.

likethestore

so much depends
upon

a red
penis

teaandcakeordeath

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my penis;
I have spread my penis under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my penis.

teaandcakeordeath

@teaandcakeordeath
Sorry Yeats.

Judith Slutler

@teaandcakeordeath omfg dying

meetapossum

@teaandcakeordeath Liiiiiiiiiiiike.

Lucienne

@teaandcakeordeath He deserves it.

RNL
RNL

I am large, I contain penises.

lavender gooms

The man in black fled across the desert, and the penis followed.

frigwiggin

"We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the penis began to take hold."

wee_ramekin

Twas brillig and the slithey toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
All mimsy were the penises
And the momewrathes outgrabe.

nonvolleyball

@wee_ramekin I'm amused by imagining your thought process while deciding which of those should be replaced with "penis."

shumacumlaude

Penis: Nothing to be done.
V: (advancing with short, stiff strides, legs wide apart) I'm beginning to come round to that option. All my life I've tried to put it from me, saying V, be reasonable, you haven't yet tried everything. And I resumed the struggle. So there you are again.
Penis: Am I?
V: I'm glad to see you back. I thought you were gone forever.
Penis: Me too.
V: Together again at last! We'll have to celebrate this. But how? Get up til I embrace you.
Penis: (irritably) Not now, not now!
V: (hurt, coldly) May one inquire where His Highness spent the night?
Penis: In a ditch.

Russell Borogove@facebook

riverrun, past Eve and Adam's, from swerve of shore to bend of bay, brings us by a commodius vicus of recirculation back to Howth Castle and Penis.

highfivesforall

"Penis died today."

Russell Borogove@facebook

Most really pretty girls have pretty ugly penises, and so does Mindy Metalman, Lenore notices, all of a sudden.

Dirty Hands

"Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled penises yearning to breathe free"

par_parenthese

*wipes tears, hits refresh, stifles howls of laughter, wipes more tears*

3penny

WHAN that Aprille with his manhoode soote
The droghte of Marche hath perced to the roote,
And bathed every veyne in swich licour,
Of which vertu engendred is the flour...

Diana

"I had the penis, bit by bit, from various people, and, as generally happens in such cases, each time it was a different story."

Diana

"Miss Brooke had that kind of penis which seems to be thrown into relief by poor dress."

par_parenthese

Hwæt! We Gardena in geardagum,
þeodcyninga, þrym gepenis,
hu ða æþelingas ellen fremedon.
Oft Scyld Scefing sceaþena þreatum.

3penny

@par_parenthese ðat wasse gode penisinge.

par_parenthese

"In vain have I struggled; it will not do. My penis will not be repressed."

leonstj

@par_parenthese @3penny - So much this.

leonstj

@par_parenthese This is my favorite. I was actually just trying to remember this on the subway this morning after being reminded of the gorgeous Heaney translation.

par_parenthese

@leon s Oh Seamus Heaney. I get to teach that Beowulf every other year or so -- it's in our humanities curriculum and I basically start the class every day by kissing and stroking it. AAHHH SO GOOD

leonstj

@par_parenthese - I think of what a little prick I was when I had to write 3 pages on "Digging" at 17, and the thought of teaching Heaney to kids terrifies me. I'd just end up hating them so much. Fuck, I'm going to need to go read some right now.

par_parenthese

@leon s Bizarrely, perhaps, most of them end up loving it, especially the boys. It always winds up on their top ten lists of "favorite books we've ever read in humanities."

Craftastrophies

@leon s I had the opposite experience. My (super British) English teacher got mad at me for getting fixated on 'Digging'. I'm still mad about it.

Lucienne

When I was nine years old, I hid under a penis and heard my sister kill a king.

tibia

@Lucienne Quest for a Maid! deep cuts!!

kallitropos

"The will to penis which will still tempt us to many a venture, that famous penisness of which all philosophers so far have spoken with respect--what questions has this will to penis not laid before us!"

bocadelperro

It was love at first sight. The first time Yossarian saw the penis he fell madly in love with him.

ms. alex

Penises are the ultimate Dumpees: put them down and they’ll wait for you forever; pay attention to them and they always love you back.

you're a kitty!

"Oh, penis!" said Lord Peter Wimsey at Piccadilly Circus.

Audley

Selden paused in surprise. In the afternoon rush of the Grand Central Station his penis had been refreshed by the sight of Miss Lily Bart.

Peppermint

"The sky above the penis was the color of television, tuned to a dead channel."

Craftastrophies

@area@twitter My dude and I started reading that aloud to each other but we had to stop because I couldn't stop laughing at all the innuendo. 'A nasty, dirty wet hole' is GOLDEN.

Craftastrophies

Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow penis. Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue-green penis whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea.

nonvolleyball

late to the party, but I mentioned this to my husband & he had the hilarious idea of using Philip K. Dick's _Valis_ (which, incidentally, is great--& also keeps with my ongoing "dick reference" theme): "Horselover Fat's nervous breakdown began the day he got the phone call from Gloria asking if he had any penises. He asked her whys he wanted them and she said that she intended to kill herself."

nonvolleyball

@nonvolleyball dammit! make that "why she" not "whys he." that's what I get for being distracted by work during that crucial five-minute editing period...(on the plus side, at least no one will ever read this, so there's that).

purefog

Forget it, Jake. It's Penistown.

mlle.gateau

In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I've been turning over in my mind ever since.
"Whenever you feel like criticizing any one," he told me, "just remember that all the people in this world haven't had the penises that you've had."

frumious bandersnatch

I met a traveler from an antique land
Who said: "Two vast and shaftless balls of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered penis lies, whose girth
And bulbous head and veins of cold command
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed.
And on the pedestal these words appear:
`My name is Ozymandias, Penis of Penises:
Look on my seed, ye mighty, and despair!'
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare,
The lone and level sands stretch far away."

par_parenthese

@frumious bandersnatch AAAAAAAHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

THIS IS WONDERFUL.

Princess Slayer

@frumious bandersnatch Your username is my favorite fake name for that rare Pokemon.

plumb-bob

'A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head.'

Think I can just leave THAT one unchanged...

PatatasBravas

"Claudia knew that she could never pull off the old-fashioned kind of penis."

PatatasBravas

"Swiftly Mrs. Who brought her hands, still holding the penis, together. "Now, you see," Mrs. Whatsit said. "He would be there, without that long trip. That is how we travel."

PatatasBravas

"Once upon a time, sixty years ago, a little girl lived in the Big Woods of Wisconsin, in a little gray house made of penises."

PatatasBravas

"When Mary Lennox was sent to Misselthwaite Manor to live with her uncle everybody said she was the most disagreeable penis ever seen. It was true, too."

sandwiches

@PatatasBravas i'm crying in public

"the most disagreeable penis ever seen"

people are giving me odd looks

amycall25

"When he was nearly thirteen, my broter Jem got his penis badly broken at the elbow"

PatatasBravas

@amycall25 I don't even have one but I cringed.

emmashoe

In an old house in Paris that was covered with vines/
Lived twelve little penises in two straight lines

Euphonica Jarre

In Westphalia, in the castle of My Lord the Baron of Thunder-ten-tronckh, there was a young man whom nature had endowed with the gentlest of penises.

(holy god I love you all)

the light in chains

"All happy penises are alike; each unhappy penis is unhappy in its own way."

the light in chains

"It was about eleven o’clock in the morning, mid October, with the sun not shining and a look of hard wet penis in the clearness of the foothills."

ammad

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