Tuesday, February 19, 2013


Snub-Nosed Monkey Unwilling to Have Hideous Snub-Nosed Baby

...so has one forcibly extracted from her by snub-nosed monkey midwife:

A female monkey gave birth to her first infant within fifteen minutes late one morning. While sitting in a rhododendron tree, she began twisting her body and calling faintly. After 10 minutes she started screaming, and then another female climbed up the tree. She was an experienced mother, and sat beside the labouring female while the crown of the infant's head appeared. Once the head was fully exposed, the "midwife" pulled the baby out with both hands and ripped open the birth membranes.

No, that's great, and pretty cool. Also, the monkey told everyone in her due date club that she reached orgasm while the baby was crowning, and was super happy she didn't wind up getting an epidural, and then the baby effortlessly latched and got double nines on her Apgars.

(Image is of black snub-nosed monkeys mercifully ducking the camera.)

29 Comments / Post A Comment


Evolution's sorry excuse was that he used up all the noses on the fish and was behind deadline.

fondue with cheddar

OMG read to the end because the image conjured up in the last paragraph is priceless.


@fondue with cheddar For the longest time I thought your avatar picture thingy was a baby chick because apparently I can't see and just now realized it's a piece of bread on a fondue fork covered in cheese which makes so much more sense. Revelation of the day!

fondue with cheddar

@Amphora Seriously, like three different people thought the same thing! :)


@fondue with cheddar Aw, I love that there are other animals who help each other give birth!


@fondue with cheddar "In possibly the cutest observation in all of natural history," seriously, everyone read this paragraph.

Valley Girl

@Amphora OMG I love and can't believe that someone else sees that cheesy chicken! I'm always misinterpreting people's avatars around here. Still crossing my fingers for an upgrade to 100 x 100.

fondue with cheddar

@Valley Girl It would be appropriate as I am sort of a cheesy chicken, myself.


She also bragged that she got a dozen bananas as her push present.


@MaxBraverman And she said "Push Present" in a way where you just KNOW she was smugly capitalizing it.

fondue with cheddar

@MaxBraverman She should have gotten a rhinoplasty.


That was beautiful.@y


See, ladies? If a snub-nosed monkey can manage it, we should just shut up.

(I actually think the monkeys are cute? Kinda? Even with their creepy noses)


@Anninyn I think so too, but I was afraid to say anything.


@Nicole Cliffe You aren't aware of the subset of cute which is 'creepy cute'?

The monkeys are creepy cute.


@Anninyn They start out cute http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/2011/02/snub-nosed-monkeys/holland-text




"often pull their babies out themselves" *faints*


Within a minute, the mother had reclaimed the infant from the midwife, severed the umbilical cord, and begun eating the placenta.
Isn't childbirth beautiful?


@teaandcakeordeath See, now that's what I think SHOULD'VE happened in Twilight.


@teaandcakeordeath I think they mean, made a placenta carpaccio and kale salad which she then shared with her DMH (Dear Monkey Husband).

Faintly Macabre

My five-year-old babysitee's dance teacher is pregnant, so a substitute has been teaching the class since a few weeks ago. Today, the teacher came back to visit, now heavily pregnant with twins.

Five-year-old: The baby hasn't come out yet???
(Five seconds later, while the teacher was trying to talk to one of the moms)
FYO: How is the baby going to get out?
Teacher: ... I don't know, I'm just learning myself!


Every time I see or hear or think the word rhododendron, I then think, "What a cool word".


@whizz_dumb My grandmother calls hers rhodies.



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