Friday, February 15, 2013


Love Stories

May Valentine's Day never, ever end: 50 Great American Love Stories, one for each state of the country. And here are a few additional, not-great love stories.

A man and a woman saw each other regularly at a bar and both thought the other was attractive, but they were too shy to say anything, and they worried a little that if things didn't work out they'd have to give up the bar. But then one day the man did go up to the woman, and it turned out they did get along, so they traded information, and later he asked her out to dinner. It went well, and then they went out again after that, and they eventually slept together. Then it fizzled, and she ended things. He was upset, because he'd liked her, but what are you going to do. They didn't talk about who would "keep" the bar, though, but then a couple weeks later they were both there again. She was talking with a friend, and the man went up to say hi. He didn't know what to say afterward, though, and neither did she, and he didn't go back to the bar for a few years. 

There once was a mermaid who fell in love with a fisherman. She'd gotten caught in his nets, and then they hit it off. After a while, though, it became clear that things could only go so far, physically. So one night on his boat he broke up with her, citing the physical limitations. She understood, but also felt like it wasn't fair because they'd both agreed their connection was unusually good. She didn't have much sensation below her waist (because it was the fish half), so when he excused himself to go to the bathroom, she took one of his knives and cut a hole in herself where a human woman's vagina might be, and when he came back she suggested they try it that way. They did, but he threw up, and she rolled back into the sea. She healed, but she never met anyone like him again.

There once were two earrings — small gold hoops — that were very much in love. They lived for a long time together in a velvet-lined box, but then a woman bought them and put them in her ears. Because this woman was a not very stylistically adventurous woman, she almost never took them out. In fact, stretches of five or six years would go by in which she wouldn't take them out at all. So the earrings almost never saw each other again, and were lonely, but they also never forgot about the time they'd shared. On the off nights when the woman went to a wedding or otherwise took them out for the night, though, they never knew what to say to each other, they were overwhelmed.

A man bought some hideous flowers for a woman he really liked, thinking he'd surprise her with them on Valentine's Day. She'd had no idea that he liked her, so it really was a surprise. But she liked him, too, and things went well, and they got married. They had a kid and then they got divorced, and he married someone else, but she never did. And then he died, and she did, too.


bars, love

40 Comments / Post A Comment


Just what my Valentine's Day burger hangover needed.


LOL, still it's good.


amazing!! pure art@y


About earrings, I think that must be very true.


@Bloodrocuted Do people sleep with their earrings in? I'm definitely a one-pair-all-the-time person, but I take them out at night. They live in a little bowl on my nightstand. When I fall asleep with them in, they stab me! I guess they just really like to sleep together.

Judith Slutler

@cuminafterall I only leave my earrings in if I'm super drunk. They'll keep me awake otherwise!


@cuminafterall - I am torn about it! I used to do it literally every night. I like waking up and being immediately fabulous (plus, for a long time I just wore the same pair every day so they really would stay in my ears for weeks on end). But then I read something about how sleeping in earrings can make your ear lobes droopy. So now I take them out half the time.


@cuminafterall I do! But it's more that I'm concerned about the piercings closing up if I take out earrings for longer than 10 minutes. I'm certain this is irrational, but I've repierced my ears something like three times now (they definitely close up if I go for years sans jewelry!), so best for me to keep earrings in all the time.

That, and when I got my ears repierced most recently, back last summer, they put in those captive bead rings and I can't figure out how to take them out myself without mangling them to death.


last night I had a dream where I was friends with the ladies from the hairpin: Edith, Nicole, and Jane, only Jane was played by Eudora Peterson. And Nicole came to visit me and we took a walk, and she had gotten a really cute butch haircut, and I was like, 'I know that she is married with a baby but I think she is gay and we should date.' So I was excited about that and we all went on a road trip to a casino and it was a blast. But then I went in through the wrong door at the casino and got lost, and the Hairpin ladies kept calling me to ask where I was but I didn't know, and eventually they gave up and left without me and I was sad. The End.

These love stories are also good.


These are all amazing.
I'm the lady that keeps earrings apart. I feel all malevolent now.


@teaandcakeordeath That story led me to remove the small gold hoops that I've been wearing nonstop the past two weeks.


These are great, Edith.

Judith Slutler

That's why I always take out my gold hoops and loop them through each other to store in the jewelry box. Sometimes they just need a little encouragement, you know?

Jennifer Culp

I got multiple piercings in each of my ears to make sure that my earrings are never lonely. Occasionally I'll think I hear voices in the distance, but it's just my earrings whispering to each other.


I always keep the bar.

dj pomegranate

This is why I feel so sad when I lose one earring. Poor single earring has to face life alone, unused and unloved, always living with the hope that some day, somehow, the other earring will return...("Oh look, it was just in the couch cushion!")


@dj pomegranate I feel the same way about socks.


@dj pomegranate Agreed, except I have a double-pierced left ear and have 2 small studs that usually go in that ear. I figure that since I bought them as single earrings, they're all independent and giant loners.


Once upon a time, a graphic designer had to repeatedly call a company for elements for their ads. The company's rep was French, with an amazing accent that did funny things to the graphic designer's tummy, but when she finally met the man in person when he came to her office for a client meeting, he was a tiny little man with a non-ironically stupid moustache, and a ratty sort of face.

The phone calls never quite had the same frisson.


@iceberg AHHHH, I fell in love with someone's voice and agreed to meet him for a date, sight unseen. It ... did not go well.

Lily Rowan

"And then he died, and she did, too."


Oh Edith. The mermaid story made me unbearably sad.

Judith Slutler

@wee_ramekin why does penetrative sex have to be seen as the be-all and end-all :((((


@Emmanuelle Cunt She could totally have given him an FJ.

Although what he could have done for her I'm not sure.


Arizona totes lost this round.


@Onymous Jesus, what did we do this time?!


I'm too embarrassed to admit how much I love when you post short stories.


@leon s I'm not, I want moooooore!


These are wonderful.


@rachelrachel Don't cry, Ariel. Eric would never ask you to cut yourself to make a vagina.


@wee_ramekin I often forget how sad my sad Ariel face is. SO APPROPRIATE currently, though, and I didn't even know it!


I enjoyed reading this so much. Here seems like a good place to share the paradox I came up with yesterday: I don't need a stupid holiday as an excuse to show you how much I am romantically disgruntled.


I love the idea of the 50 great American Love Stories but hate that as usual, D.C. gets the shaft. :(


My ex-husband remarried, but I haven't. I hope he dies first so I can win life :)


I now feel really extremely guilty for separating my earrings from each other. But I also feel really extremely guilty for keeping my stuffed animals in a box, and for not eating the last few grapes in bunch just because their a little softer, and for not recycling the paper wrapper of my straw from McDonalds. I just want all things to fulfill their destiny, with dignity!

I may have too many feelings for inanimate objects.


I feel really bad for my little gold earring hoops! I'll have to take them off and intertwine them more often.

Post a Comment

You must be logged-in to post a comment.

Login To Your Account