Monday, February 25, 2013


In Other Award Ceremony News

We could not let Friday's literary penis thread (a thing of beauty and a joy forever) pass into the void without acknowledging those commenters who truly pushed it to the limit. There were no losers, only winners we were not able to showcase. Feel free to express dissent.

Honorable Mention the First (Texts From a Penis):






Honorable Mention the Second:




Fifth Prize:


Fourth Prize:





Third Prize:








Second Prize:










59 Comments / Post A Comment

Judith Slutler

Please oh please let Cawendaw do an entire article of Texts From A Penis!


@Emmanuelle Cunt A++ would definitely have an aneurysm trying not to laugh at work.


@Emmanuelle Cunt Make it happen, America!!


@area@twitter BUT SERIOUSLY, PLEASE.


@Cawendaw's were clearly the most accurate true-to-life Texts From A Penis, but I guess they weren't literary? But then neither was mine sooooo.


@iceberg also, it's an honor just to be etc. I feel like all my hard work up to this point has finally been worth it for the recognition!

*wipes single tear from cheek*


awe how touching!@n

Nicole Cliffe

My friend Andrew offered up "Penis me Ishmael," which has haunted me with regret.


@Nicole Cliffe omg


@laurel I threw out "call me Penis," but I guess that doesn't have the same ring?


I am so late to these threads, alas, but here:

"If you give a mouse a penis, he's going to ask for a glass of milk. He'll want to look in a mirror to make sure he doesn't have a milk mustache..."


"We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the penises began to take hold."


"The first time I read the penis, I choked and cursed and spat and threw the paper to the floor."


"It was a penis to burn."


Just when I thought Chaucer couldn't get dirtier.


I love you all.


That thread was...yes, it was the best part of my week.


@area@twitter heartily (penisly?) agreed.


Wait! That's ... me?

That post and that entire thread made me sob quietly at my desk with laughter.

Judith Slutler

@teaandcakeordeath "Tread softly, for you tread upon my penis" just about killed me, too!


@teaandcakeordeath SPEECH!


@teaandcakeordeath YAAAAAAY YOU WON!


I would like to thank my family, who's long vacations inspired me to read Little Women, Jo March because she's the greatest, and The Hairpin for giving me the chance to make penis jokes about books amongst some very very funny people who also like making penis jokes about books. Thank you! Thank you! MY PEOPLE!

quamquam vivit

I guess now is where I admit I thought I was quoting an actual book and not a Geico commercial.


I am reading this at my parents' house and my mother was really concerned that my muffled laughter was actually muffled sobbing...


Internet Pioneer 1: I'm skeptical. What exactly would we use this "Inter-Net" thing for, besides military communications?

Internet Pioneer 2: Literary dick jokes and pictures of cats?

Internet Pioneer 1: SOLD.

tea sonata

It was the best of penises, it was the worst of penises.

fondue with cheddar

@tea sonata It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good penis, must be in want of a wife.

(Sadly, I totally missed this post when it went up, so my apologies if this has already been done.)

fondue with cheddar

@fondue with cheddar Oops, it has already been done. I'm sorry. I am filled with deep regret that I did not have the opportunity to participate at the time. :(

frumious bandersnatch

@fondue with cheddar I am also filled with regret that I did not participate in what is probably my most finely-tuned skill, but I say let's keep contributing anyways. Never stop bringing the penile literary humor!

tea sonata

@frumious bandersnatch I missed it too! Boo. So I am making up for it now.

Henceforth I think the entirety of Nabokov's "Lolita" should be renamed "Penis".

fondue with cheddar

@frumious bandersnatch Amen to that.

Vanity was stronger than love at sixteen and there was no room in her hot heart now for anything but penises.

fondue with cheddar

Life, although it may only be an accumulation of penises, is dear to me, and I will defend it.


I EXPRESS DISSENT that @Emanuelle Cunt's contribution did not make the list:

Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him, Horatio. A fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy; he hath borne me on his penis a thousand times.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised though. It's always the big-budget penises that win awards. It's like they're trying to compensate for something...


@wee_ramekin My runner-up to that would have to have been @par_parenthese's comment, with added commentary:

"But soft! What penis through yonder window breaks?" [OUCH]


@wee_ramekin I had a really hard time not bursting out with laughter on the subway thinking about the Yorick one.


@wee_ramekin I DIED, first at "borne me on his penis" and then at your 48-point-font-horror-face reply. Kept laughing at it for hours. Am still laughing about it.

And aw, shucks. It is a pretty good mental image, a penis breaking through a window and someone remarking on it in iambic pentameter.


@wee_ramekin The whole Shakespeare thread, really. I read most of it out loud to my husband and we were both crying laughing. (He also contributed "Is this a penis I see before me?" and I was terribly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it first.)


@Elsajeni Yeah, I really loved that thread. Also! I learned that the origin of SO.MANY.SAYINGS. is just "Duh, Shakespeare" when I was looking up quotes for my (many) contributions.

My favorite comment that I made on that thread was: Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have a penis thrust upon them. Because srsly, who hasn't been in that giant let-down of a situation?


@wee_ramekin @Elsajeni A coworker came in to my classroom at lunch for a chat and found me wiping tears and suppressing laughter, and I just silently turned my computer around for him to read the Shakespeare thread and it was not long before he was mopping his eyes too.



I EXPRESS DISSENT that your comment “There are more penises in Heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.” is my favourite comment you made on that thread. And honourable mention for kick starting the Shakespeare thread to begin with!


@wee_ramekin I was at Uni and missed this thread of awesomeness! D:

I also dissent to see that "some people are born great, some people achieve greatness, and some people have a penis thrust upon them" was not honourably mentioned.

fondue with cheddar

It was a queer, sultry summer, the summer they electrocuted the penises, and I didn't know what I was doing in New York.


Reason #472 why I LOVE the Hairpin.

frumious bandersnatch

I added Ozymandias to the thread! Please let it never die. It should be a perpetual motion machine. Of literature and penises.


I was at Uni and missed this thread of awesomeness! D:
I am sad to see that "some people are born great, some people achieve greatness, and some people have a penis thrust upon them" was not honourably mentioned.


@TARDIStime ^ tried to delete you!

RK Fire

I'm incredibly and strangely honored to have had one of my submissions picked! I was out of the office today for a one day conference, and this has been the highlight of my day.

I don't know if that's sad or not. And I don't care!



I cannot adequately express my joy that your comment exists in the world, and that I read it.




brb dying of penis overload

RK Fire

@PatatasBravas hahahaha now I'm imagining someone shouting "PENIIIIIIS OVERLOAD!!!!!!!"

Also thank you for your kind words about my William Carlos Williams' penis poem.


@RK Fire Penis Carlos Penis, if you will.


@PatatasBravas *snorts drink out nose*



oh my god I understand why jo won but the anne of green gables one has me dead forever.

raised amongst catalogs

@redheaded&crazy If I attend the big Pinup in Chicago, I will come up to you and say this and you will know who I am immediately.

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