Friday, February 1, 2013


"...I was trying to move these huge, big luggages all by myself..."

"What's the best sentence you read this week?"

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The top hundred best sentences I read this week are in Simon Rich's Sell Out.


Omg this is pure genius!@y

fondue with cheddar

OMG Choire. I'm not sure anything can top that one.


@fondue with cheddar Except maybe melis's choice. Still gobsmacked.

fondue with cheddar

@Bittersweet Yikes, I didn't see that one.


"A Florida man was charged with his fifth DUI yesterday after crashing into a school bus on his riding lawnmower."

Reginal T. Squirge

"They loved each other, not driven by necessity, by the 'blaze of passion' often falsely ascribed to love. They loved each other because everything around them willed it, the trees and the clouds and the sky over their heads and the earth under their feet."

Two sentences but fuck it.


It's from two years ago, but during the week I tweeted the best newspaper headline there ever was:Woman in sumo wrestler suit assaulted her ex-girlfriend in gay pub after she waved at man dressed as a Snickers bar.


@Decca I mean, obviously the funny thing is not "lesbian assault", but the excessive glut of information in that headline. Delightful.


@Decca "Woman assaulted her ex-girlfriend in gay pub after she waved at man": not funny at all.

"Woman in sumo wrestler suit assaulted her ex-girlfriend in gay pub after she waved at man dressed as a Snickers bar": festival of wait, what?


@wharrgarbl Does it make it better or worse to know that, the following day, the newspaper printed a retraction saying that the person dressed in the Snickers bar costume was a woman?

fondue with cheddar

@Decca You can't blame the woman for flirting with her though—I hear she really satisfies.


@Decca I want to know more, but what if that ruins it?

fondue with cheddar



@Lucienne You just have to trust that it won't. Like the five-DUIs guy I commented about? I didn't find out he got the DUI because he ran into a school bus until the third article in. Which, really. That goes in the first paragraph. Five DUIs, on a lawnmower, into a school bus. Pertinent facts, journalists.

@Decca I can't decide whether the retraction makes it better or worse. Like, I almost feel that that's a loaded question when it comes to sumo-wrestler ex-girlfriend assaulting snickers-bar rival.

evil melis

"I’d come to his place, he would cook me a steak with blue cheese on top, and then we’d have anal sex."

evil melis

#neverforget #steakblasting


@evil melis "Words have meanings"

Daisy Razor

@evil melis And here I was coming to quote "The idea of eating a bleu-cheese smothered steak and then following it up with some vigorous anal sex is just...Scarlet, you're a very strong woman." as my favorite of the week!

evil melis



"Besides his sister, a former dean at New York University whom he saw regularly in later years, Mr. Koch is survived by New York itself, as an old friend put it a few years ago."

"Survived by New York Itself," I've now read, and mulled over in my head for the third time today. I am too young to remember Ed Koch as anything more than a character but old enough to remember that character well, and he was, for so much of my youth, the face of the city I love more than any other, for better or worse.

I've learned about his politics as I've gotten older, and I don't agree with a lot of them.

But every time I think "survived by New York itself," just, fuck, what a beautiful sentiment.


@leon s My main memories of Ed Koch have to do with his stint on The People's Court.


@leon s Ugh, Ed Koch. Such an asshole for so many reasons (his penchant for pitting Jews against Black folks being the foremost in my mind), but you can't deny that he really, really loved New York.

Lisa Frank

@leon s I remember chanting "if it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown flush it down" in preschool. Long after the drought was over, I still followed the mayor's isntructions to my parent's horror and annoyance.


"I was wearing my powder-blue suit, with dark blue shirt, tie and display handkerchief, black brogues, black wool socks with dark little clocks on them. I was neat, clean, shaved and sober, and I didn’t care who knew it."


I sadly do not remember the paper, but my best sentence this week was one of those "and now that we've finished with the neuroscience, let's move on to the tough stuff" sentences which pop up with some frequency in philosophy.

Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood

"A black dildo would have sufficed and cost less."


@Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood
"I think you're the greatest, but my dad says you don't work hard enough on defense. And he says that lots of times, you don't even run down court. And that you don't really try... except during the playoffs."
"The hell I don't! LISTEN KID! I've been hearing that crap ever since I was at UCLA. I'm out there busting my buns every night. Tell your old man to drag Walton and Lanier up and down the court for 48 minutes." -Roger Murdock*

* This does not actually count as it is many sentences and I did not hear them this week. But I felt as if we needed two Kareem quotes represented here.


"The vomiting thing was completely unforgivable."


From my friend's facebook status: "My first physical therapy session...for my finger." I realize this to be a frustrating issue for my friend, but it struck me funny (her, too) and I kept creating little vignettes of her PT getting home to his/her family and talking about a finger patient with a long road ahead of her, but emphasizing that she was an inspirational woman who was a fighter, and would not let her circumstances [of not being able to make a fist] rule her life!

Brad Paisley

“Look at the ass on her.”


@Mayor Michael Bloomberg The best sentence you *read,* not the best sentence you *said.* Come on!

Brad Paisley

Haha, yes, I guess I was a little unclear. I was trying to make a joke: just like you, the first time I heard that sentence was when I read it. I didn't say it, and I wouldn't have said it. While all of us have private thoughts about attraction, I respect women too much to ever make a crass comment like that.


@Mayor Michael Bloomberg No, no. I see what you did there. I like it.

Brad Paisley

Great. I'm glad we're on the same page.


"Sche gave herre herte to Jhesu Cryste and lefte alle her kynne."
Because apparently it only takes 7 words for 13th century scribes to forget how they spell the word "her."


@Cawendaw Pshaw, spelling is for fancypants scribes who can read without moving their lips.


@Apocalypstick "Buggre alle this Bible!"

Emily E. Hilliard

"I am proficient with horses."


"Watch full episodes of MTV's The Paper now!"

I smell burnt toast

"My father is a pigeon-fancier."


Should you happen to be possessed of a certain verbal acuity coupled with a relentless, hair-trigger humor and surface cheer spackled over a chronic melancholia and loneliness — a grotesquely caricatured version of your deepest Self, which you trot out at the slightest provocation for endearing and glib comic effect, thus rendering you the kind of fellow who is beloved by all yet loved by none, all of it to distract, however fleetingly, from the cold and dead-faced truth that with each passing year you face the unavoidable certainty of a solitary future in which you will perish one day while vainly attempting the Heimlich maneuver on yourself over the back of a kitchen chair — then this confirmation that you have triumphed again and managed to gull yet another mark, except this time it was the one person you’d hoped might be immune to your ever-creakier, puddle-shallow, sideshow-barker variation on “adorable,” even though you’d been launching this campaign weekly with single-minded concentration from day one … well, it conjures up feelings that are best described as mixed, to say the least.


@Peanut Wow. There was a German sentence I was shown once that took up an entire page, but this one has great content too.


In response to "Could she meet the parents?": They'd be delighted because they do get quite lonely.

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