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Tuesday, February 12, 2013

34

First Pages of Fake Lifetime Movies: 'New Pope, New Love'

Previously: 'Parent Teacher'

Bobby Finger has never been to Italy, but he's seen Under the Tuscan Sun many, many, many times.

34 Comments / Post A Comment

iceberg

"His face is as chiseled as the holy statues around them"

<3

SuperGogo

@iceberg
"Freshly plucked from the bay area"

<3

melis

BOBBY you have to CAPITALIZE Bay Area!!!!!!!!

bobby finger@twitter

@melis GOD I'M SORRY OH MY GOD OH MY GOD AND YOU WERE ABSOLUTELY 100% THE PERSON I WAS EXPECTING A REACTION FROM RE: THAT LINE UGHHHH I FAILED U

melis

bobbyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

melis

bobby can we write a movie together

bobby finger@twitter

@melis It's Troop Beverly Hills meets Wet Hot American Summer meets The Big Chill meets Weekend meets Jurassic Park meets Sex, Lies, & Videotape meets Now & Then meets Angels in America meets Jurassic Park.

melis

@bobby finger@twitter meets the Jurassic Park video game with the fake Jeep!!!

bobby finger@twitter

@bobby finger@twitter Where is Harvey Weinstein? Harvey do u read The Hairpin. R u there Harvey? It's us, Bobby and Mallory.

melis

I have this scene that I think would be great where someone tells someone they love them by comparing them to shampoo, but not like, regular shampoo, the really fancy kind that they keep locked up in the Walgreen's with the special sticker that says "do not sell at any location other than a Walgreen's" and I'm the Walgreen's, you know? Or, I guess, the sticker, anyhow I think that would be a good scene.

bobby finger@twitter

@melis There will be a scene when two people are eating dinner at a restaurant and the server doesn't bring out a large decanter of water and one person at the table gives this very long monologue about how people should have a huge bottle of water at their table because it's A. easier for the diner to refill their own glass and B. easier for the staff to refill a few large bottles as opposed to constantly going from glass to glass/table to table.

melis

"Discarded Bits From Standup Sets We Were Too Scared To Ever Deliver In Public," by Bobby Finger and Mallory Ortberg.

allendaniel

Can't stop watching it. XD@a

large__marge

GIVE ME MORE GIVE ME ALL OF THESE

PatatasBravas

Right right but is this alluding to Mary finding a new love as the cardinals elect a new pope simultaneously, or does Mary fall in love with the new pope?

BECAUSE IT BETTER BE THE LATTER

I want a lifetime movie with chiseled papal abs and a woman who is happily on BC and premaritally sexing.

OhMarie

@PatatasBravas oh oh bonus points if it features the Vatican porno room!

Amphora

True story, when I saw the announcement yesterday the news site included the picture of the Vatican getting hit by lightning last night and I totally thought the Pope had resigned after interpreting Terrible Portents of Divine Disapproval.

garseeyalater

For some reason, when I first read about the resignation I was really angry. I was like "Gah! No one can commit to anything anymore! Everybody just quits everything!If something gets a little difficult, just walk away, man." I think I'm projecting (in a very unattractive way, at that). Sorry, everyone. Also, these are hilarious!

Miss Maszkerádi

@garseeyalater I was just stunned that something This Big And Historical would happen at....not such a historical moment. I mean, the last time this happened, the Pope resigned because two other guys had also declared themselves pope and the three of them were all running around excommunicating each other.

Amphora

@Countess Maritza Gregory XII just couldn't stomach the competition.

Miss Maszkerádi

@Amphora I've got this unshakeable mental image of three toddler Popes all chasing each other around and fighting around the ankles of an exasperated-looking Emperor Sigismund who's yelling "I'M GOING TO COUNT TO TEN AND YOU BETTER WORK THIS OUT BEFORE I DO..."

garseeyalater

@Countess Maritza
I know! It's a big deal to resign as THE POPE. I understand his reasoning "Saying he had examined his conscience “before God,” Benedict said he felt that he was not up to the challenge of guiding the world’s one billion Catholics." That's terrifying and beyond daunting, obviously.

The last resignation somehow seems more light-hearted and ridiculous...this is just depressing as hell. This resignation is indicative of the whole "crisis in confidence" my beloved President Carter spoke of. Bleh. I am sorry I opened this can of worms. They just don't make papal resignations like they used to.

Miss Maszkerádi

@garseeyalater I guess also in 1415 it was a REALLY HUGE DEAL who the Pope was. Nowadays when the Church has no real power and religion is less and less a part of modern society? It feels more like a sad sigh than a crisis of faith. I feel sort of awful saying this, because it feels like there's some hidden nasty part of me that regrets the passing of an era where a man could be sent up in flames for seeking the truth - but questions of heaven and earth were so visceral and urgent then, and some small part of me does regret the disappearance of that at least. Nowadays it feels like we're watching the entire idea of faith go out with a whimper, or a tired sigh, or a dejected resignation. And nobody got too bothered about it.... #sentimentalhistorianproblems

SuperGogo

@garseeyalater It pisses me off for different reasons. How is it that the RC church's stance on women, gays, birth control, stem cell research, etc. ad nauseum is IRONCLAD, yet that whole pope-serving-til-he-dies thing, well you know, perhaps there's some flexibility for interpretation there....

H.E. Ladypants

@garseeyalater I was sort of under the impression that he was resigning because he's aging and his mental faculties have been slipping. I mean, he's 89.

I thought it was a difficult and responsible decision to make.

garseeyalater

@Countess Maritza

I deleted my original comment because I panicked and was like, "Gah! this isn't the place/time to discuss this...just stop, garseeyalater!" but whatever. Color me impressed with your history knowledge, and cheers to talking out of our asses!

garseeyalater

@H.E. Ladypants
Agreed. I was just curious if there were other reasons, specifically all the divisions in the church, scandal, ordaining women priests, etc., but as you pointed out, he probably just felt he was no longer healthy enough to lead the church and contend with all of those issues. It's very responsible, indeed.

up cubed

If you're suggesting I play favorites, you're wrong. I love all my popes equally. I don't care for Benedict.
Better luck next time, and all that.

up cubed

@upupandaway I realize this is too cryptic. This pope seems like a dud (way conservative, probable ex-Nazi, etc). I'm excited that there is an opportunity to select someone who is better on social issues and represents the current Catholic population. For example, someone who isn't from Europe or isn't super old/white.
In local news, I'm disappointed that LA's Cardinal Mahoney (covered up abuse, relieved of his duties) is getting a vote :(

Amphora

@SuperGogo That's the tricky thing about the papacy. When you have the power to declare yourself infallible, no policy is set in stone.

Miss Maszkerádi

@Amphora Infallibility only applies when the pope speaks "ex cathedra," it's not like he can just offhandedly remark one day that the tiramisu at the corner deli is the best thing in the known universe and suddenly theologians will be tearing their hair out trying to incorporate that new revelation into canon.

ETA: I have....absolutely no idea where that analogy came from. I either need more coffee, or to actually sleep tonight.

Amphora

@Countess Maritza Of course, but your version has some really entertaining possibilities!

Richard Marx

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