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Ask an Apology

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What’s the difference between “sorry” and “really sorry?”

I’d say plain “sorry” is truer, because it’s more straightforward, but sometimes when people feel genuinely sorry, they get flustered and try to emphasize how bad they feel with a lot of “so”s and “really”s. So they’re basically the same thing. Maybe this was not a useful answer.

How, exactly, are you going to make it up to me?

That’s a question for the apology-giver, I am only the apology itself, floating between you, sort of like an invisible fairy. But the way fairies are usually cute and dainty in pictures, I’m more like a floating troll. Maybe a mosquito with a tiny human head. I don’t know. I don’t mind, though. I’m pretty comfortable with myself.

Are you sincere?


How many times have you been said before?

Oh my god, let me think. Okay — nine hundred trillion bobrillion, eighty frazillion, four hundred thousand seven hundred and sixty-six. Sixty-seven. Sixty-eight, 69, 70, etc. 

Who said you last?

Hm, as of right now — [taps temples] this man in Belgium, to a tourist couple, because he didn’t have the correct change for a souvenir they were trying to buy, I think it’s a keychain.

Which apology are you, specifically?

I’m from when two people were walking down the street in 1997, and they did that thing where one moved in one direction to make way for the other, but then the other did it at the same time, too, and then they both moved to the other side at the same time, and they laughed, and he said me. And then they got together and lived happily ever after. No — I wish. They just kept walking, but that is how I was born.

And it’s been a reincarnation thing since?


What flowers go best with you?

Anything, although I’m a fan of tulips. They’re kind of obvious, but there’s something about simple flowers that I think works best. Because anything too big or showy usually makes it seem like the sender thinks they’re buying their way out of the situation. When giving flowers is really just pushing something pretty toward someone. Like, “I messed up, it was an ugly thing, and although I can’t change the way it happened, I can try to bring you something pretty instead. Like these flowers.” Because they’re both kind of nonsensical, flowers and apologies, but on opposite ends of the spectrum. You know? Because they’re both essentially disconnected from reason, maybe. Or maybe not. Haha, sorry, I obviously think about this a lot!

What’s your next tour?

Well I was a micro version of myself just now, but then in about four seconds a teenage girl’s going to give me to her mother in a really drawn-out, teenager-ish way, and I know I shouldn’t, but I do kind of enjoy those. Okay, here I go.

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