Tuesday, February 19, 2013


Ask an Apology

This post is sponsored by the delicious caramel, chocolate and nougat inside every Milky Way®

What's the difference between "sorry" and "really sorry?"

I'd say plain "sorry" is truer, because it's more straightforward, but sometimes when people feel genuinely sorry, they get flustered and try to emphasize how bad they feel with a lot of "so"s and "really"s. So they're basically the same thing. Maybe this was not a useful answer.

How, exactly, are you going to make it up to me?

That's a question for the apology-giver, I am only the apology itself, floating between you, sort of like an invisible fairy. But the way fairies are usually cute and dainty in pictures, I'm more like a floating troll. Maybe a mosquito with a tiny human head. I don't know. I don't mind, though. I'm pretty comfortable with myself.

Are you sincere?


How many times have you been said before?

Oh my god, let me think. Okay — nine hundred trillion bobrillion, eighty frazillion, four hundred thousand seven hundred and sixty-six. Sixty-seven. Sixty-eight, 69, 70, etc. 

Who said you last?

Hm, as of right now — [taps temples] this man in Belgium, to a tourist couple, because he didn't have the correct change for a souvenir they were trying to buy, I think it's a keychain.

Which apology are you, specifically?

I'm from when two people were walking down the street in 1997, and they did that thing where one moved in one direction to make way for the other, but then the other did it at the same time, too, and then they both moved to the other side at the same time, and they laughed, and he said me. And then they got together and lived happily ever after. No — I wish. They just kept walking, but that is how I was born.

And it's been a reincarnation thing since?


What flowers go best with you?

Anything, although I'm a fan of tulips. They're kind of obvious, but there's something about simple flowers that I think works best. Because anything too big or showy usually makes it seem like the sender thinks they're buying their way out of the situation. When giving flowers is really just pushing something pretty toward someone. Like, "I messed up, it was an ugly thing, and although I can't change the way it happened, I can try to bring you something pretty instead. Like these flowers." Because they're both kind of nonsensical, flowers and apologies, but on opposite ends of the spectrum. You know? Because they're both essentially disconnected from reason, maybe. Or maybe not. Haha, sorry, I obviously think about this a lot!

What's your next tour?

Well I was a micro version of myself just now, but then in about four seconds a teenage girl's going to give me to her mother in a really drawn-out, teenager-ish way, and I know I shouldn't, but I do kind of enjoy those. Okay, here I go.

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29 Comments / Post A Comment


Aren't those Parcheesi pieces?

fondue with cheddar

@Lu2 They're used in a lot of games! Parcheesi did come before Sorry.


@Lu2 sorry I'm not Sorry!©


@fondue with cheddar Oh, interesting. I've never played Sorry. Not Sorry. (h/t Gertrude)

fondue with cheddar

@Lu2 Don't be sorry. It's a terrible game!

Jolie Kerr

Like, "I messed up, it was an ugly thing, and although I can't change the way it happened, I can try to bring you something pretty instead. Like these flowers."

That was really nice, Edi- I mean ... Apology.


Hi Apology! I gave you to my husband yesterday when I realized that a particular parenting strategy he's been pushing was not in fact bullshit hippie nonsense and does mostly work. And I meant you, so I think you meant a lot to him.


@iceberg also, I think you should give yourself to me for this post, because now I want a Milky Way really bad.


@iceberg God so do I




That was refreshing.@y


Also if you're really sorry: $600. it's a move


@Onymous It's class money.


@highfivesforall Crap. Connie left his French horn under a towel in the bathroom and I crushed the main horn area.

We're lookin' at a six hundo.


@wee_ramekin It is hoped that horns are modular.

fondue with cheddar

Apology, I hate it when people use you and just throw you away. You are beautiful and noble and worthy of respect! You're a good friend, Apology. Thanks for being there when I need you.

Nicole Cliffe

A man I was not romantically involved with once told me: "The absolute sexiest thing a woman can say is, 'you were right; I'm sorry.'"

So, that happened.

fondue with cheddar

@Nicole Cliffe I can't imagine why you weren't romantically involved with him.


@Nicole Cliffe Why on earth did you never snap up that prince

Nicole Cliffe

Pro-tip: if you want someone to hurry up and finish because SNL is starting, this is not the phrase to use.


This is why Rhetoric Monthly was the best-selling pornographic magazine of all time.

Nicole Cliffe

@melis "Ohhh, big guy, can you elaborate on your premises?"


Hey, Apology! I want you to know that when I stammered you over and over again to the neighbour I haven't met before today it was just because I was scared my cat might be hurt, you know? Though I was sorry that I had to bother him in his nice home to collect her from where she'd fallen out of my (high) kitchen window into his back garden.

(she's fine)

Also, does it bother you that I use you sarcastically a little too often? I know I shouldn't, but I turn into a bratty child in an argument.


That is funny, I was just thinking last week there should be a Hairpin piece on apologies. This wasn't really what I had in mind though. Maybe more of a how-to on the components of good apologies, because a lot of people don't seem to have mastered that. And by a lot of people, I mostly means guys. And by guys, I mostly mean my husband (though my sister's husband seems to have the same issues). I mean, his apologies have improved over the years (he certainly hasn't repeated the mistake of when we first started dating of the "I am sorry if what I did bothered you"), but there is still plenty of room for improvement. I think many people could would be benefited by having all the naunces of a good apology explicitly spelled out in one easily referenced article (and by people, I, course again mean my husband. Who I love dearly. But would post such an article in every room of our house). If nothing else, I could vent in the comments about all my apology pet peeves (which are long and varied).


@Mila In my "intro to technical communications" class we spent a lot of time on non-apologies..


@Mila Mr TARDIStime is like this, also. He accidentally let the door close on my shoulder blade at a super painful angle the other day and didn't apologise.
I don't mind that it was an accident, but not even apologising!? Come on, I really shouldn't have to ask for one.
I may have thrown every dry item of clothing I was removing from the washing line at his face afterwards, accidentally catching him in the eyeball with a sock. And not apologising for it, because apparently painful accidents do not need to be apologised for.


Dammit, Apology, where you been? I still haven't gotten you from my 85-year-old neighbor who screamed at me, apoplectic and spittle-flecked, for ten minutes, at close range and wearing nothing but a flimsy nightgown, the night I graduated from grad school because one of the guests at my fucking grad-school graduation party parked in her unmarked parking spot for which she does not own a car.

I mean. You should really quit letting Passive-Aggressive Christmas Card take shifts for you because that guy's a dick.

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