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Friday, February 8, 2013

43

Excerpts From Recent Emails

Beef Wellington. Shrimp Scampi. Chocolate Lava Cake. BEEN THERE, DONE THAT! This year, it’s time to spice up your Valentine’s evening menu with some delicious, yet simple, meals from the [Redacted] country of [Redacted].

This Valentine’s Day, we are celebrating the love of learning by offering great deals on our award winning [Redacted] Tabs, [Redacted] Cards, and [Redacted] Starter Kits.

Just in time for Valentine's Day, consider picking up [Redacted], an American woman's tale of passionate sexual discovery in Japan and an exotic twist on the bestseller [Redacted].

What does the perfect Valentine’s Day treat consist of? [Redacted].

The reinvented adult film star has hung up her sensual, naughty high-heeled shoes and is now playing with the big boys in [Redacted] with the purchase of the [Redacted] vineyard and the release of her stunning [Redacted], a wine guaranteed to make any love God swoon.

Using only the finest materials, custom-made trims and highly functional hardware, [Redacted]’s collection of [Redacted] Camera Straps for DSLR cameras, Wristlets for point-and-shoot cameras, and keychains ... make perfect Valentine's Day gifts.

Night in with the girls? Try [Redacted's] wheat germ coated chocolate truffles for a less-guilty indulgence or [Redacted] Calcium for a chocolate treat.

Valentine's Day can often end in disaster with break-ups and move-outs. [Redacted] of [Redacted], affectionately known as [Redacted], warns that clutter could be a leading cause.

We have put together some sweet ideas for everyone on your list this Valentine's Day! [Including] [Redacted] Diaper Bags.

Inspired by your BFF’s fav TV show, [Redacted] has curated its [Redacted] Valentine’s Day Gift Guide to indulge your bestie in something special, whether she’s a fan of [Redacted], [Redacted], [Redacted], or even a reality show.

Valentine’s Day is meant to envelop us in love, hopefulness, and the warmth of human kindness during the long and cold winter. Yet we can easily see how the mad dash for cards, flowers and candy, jewelry, dinner reservations, and the pressure to buy and do more than last year, can generate anxiety and stress. But being alone on Valentine’s Day, amidst an onslaught of pink and red hearts, serves as a shocking reminder that nearly 30 per cent of Americans will suffer from an anxiety disorder at some point in their lifetime.

Valentine’s Day is actually a great opportunity to pack some amazing nutrition into your diet.

43 Comments / Post A Comment

Faintly Macabre

"What does the perfect Valentine’s Day treat consist of? [Redacted]."

Ooooooh, naughty.

whizz_dumb

@Faintly Macabre Let's not beat around the bush [genitals].

area@twitter

"wheat germ coated chocolate truffles"
Why even bother existing at that point?

iceberg

@area@twitter exactly, what the f?

TheclaAndTheSeals

@area@twitter My gut reaction to chocolate calcium was sheer rage.

MilesofMountains

@area@twitter I'm having trouble thinking of something sadder than someone feeling they need to add wheat germ to their chocolate truffles. Maybe if they were wheat germ carob truffles?

anachronistique

@area@twitter I'm pretty sure if I served wheat-germ-coated truffles to my friends I would soon have no friends at all.

area@twitter

@MilesofMountains Yeah, I mean, unless you were really jonesing for some wheat germ? Does that even happen? Has anyone ever craved wheat germ? (Edit: if someone out there does, more power to you, it's just not something I have ever heard of)

Living My Best Life Far Away from the Hairpin!

@anachronistique Right? Their suggestion of busting them out on a girls' night made me laugh. I feel like the "girls" I know would riot if I offered around wheat-germ covered truffles or chocolate calcium chews, ugh!

zamboni

@anachronistique all the uneaten wheat-germ-coated truffles would be your NEW FRIENDS

Judith Slutler

Change my Pin name to "A Less Guilty Indulgence" y/n?

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

I'll support your choices, but I really enjoy that extra giggle I get from your comments because I always assume they always start with the word cunt. So.

dtowngirl

Thank god. I was wondering when my next opportunity to pack some amazing nutrition into my diet would occur. I can't wait to [redacted] with some [redacted], followed up by some amazing [redacted] in the back of my [redacted]. [Redacted]!

Judith Slutler

Also fyi the word "redacted" has me replacing everything in these emails with "unmanned drones" "secret CIA memos" "'enhanced interrogation'" "the PATRIOT Act" "Yemen" etc

Cawendaw

@Emmanuelle Cunt So the perfect Valentine's day treat consists of enhanced interrogation! I really would never have guessed!

olivebee

"But being alone on Valentine’s Day, amidst an onslaught of pink and red hearts, serves as a shocking reminder that nearly 30 per cent of Americans will suffer from an anxiety disorder at some point in their lifetime."

A. I don't think anyone would be shocked to find out that 30% of Americans will suffer from anxiety disorders. What's the American way of life if not a perfect catalyst for anxiety?
B. That sentence doesn't even make sense. So, the act of being alone on V-Day surrounded by all the commercial shit that comes with the holiday, serves to remind who, exactly, that 30% of Americans will have anxiety disorders? That alone person? Other people pitying that alone person?

fondue with cheddar

@olivebee I'm shocked, actually. 30% seems pretty low.

olivebee

@fondue with cheddar Yeah, I agree, but I think that's 30% with diagnosed anxiety disorders. I'm sure there are millions more people out there who go their whole lives without seeking treatment for anxiety.

fondue with cheddar

@olivebee Good point.

zamboni

@olivebee and is being alone on Valentine's Day a "shocking reminder" of anything? is it shocking? I mean, most of us get a fair amount of notice.

causedbycomma

@zamboni I am shocked to find myself NOT alone on Valentine's Day. I mean, I may not actually physically be with my gentleman caller on that particular day, but I am always shocked to find myself in the state of having a gentleman caller as opposed to not.

zamboni

@causedbycomma I've never had a gentleman caller, so if anyone were ever to show up and take me out on Valentine's Day, I would eat my hat (marinated, at an overrated and softly-lit restaurant, reserved at least two weeks in advance).

Brunhilde

This Valentine's day, I made an appointment with a chiropractor and then I'm going to go bowling by myself and drink bowling pin shaped bottles of bud light with old men in the bowling alley bar.

zamboni

@Brunhilde that sounds amazing. I have never heard of bowling pin-shaped bottles of Bud Light! If you gotta drink it, that's definitely the way to do it.

Living My Best Life Far Away from the Hairpin!

@Brunhilde That sounds fun (well...maybe not so much the chiropractor part?)! The bowling alley down the street from me closed (and is now a hideous eyesore of a condominium complex) so I haven't had a bowling pin bottle of Bud in years. :(

SarcasticFringehead

@Katzen-party I feel like I remember you being from Seattle, and if so, I think I know exactly what eyesore you are talking about. Is it the one with that orange shit on all the balconies?

Living My Best Life Far Away from the Hairpin!

@SarcasticFringehead OMG.....yes! So you've seen it? Isn't it the absolute worst? The exterior has been finished for a couple of weeks but I assumed they weren't done yet because it's got those white panels on it. And who wants a piece of orange plexiglass on their balcony??????? The people who eventually move in are going to be getting SERIOUS side-eye from me.

SarcasticFringehead

@Katzen-party And I love orange, too, but I would not move into a place that's going to require me to match my deck furniture to a piece of neon-orange plastic. I originally thought it was some sort of packaging or something, but it looks like it's there on purpose, for some reason known only in the depths of architectural hell.

SarcasticFringehead

@Katzen-party Also, apparently we live in the same neighborhood! Hi!

Living My Best Life Far Away from the Hairpin!

@SarcasticFringehead Howdy, neighbor! It's a pretty great hood, isn't it? Even without a bowling alley...

And I like orange too, but it has its place and that place is not on my balcony!

3penny

@Brunhilde you are my spirit twin. I get itchy facing Valentine's Day, and about 10 years ago I decided that heading for resolutely unromantic places was a great way to take off the pressure and/or hang with other dateless friends. Beer and a cheeseburger and ACDC on the jukebox while we shoot pool? Yes please. (The crappy part is that if you have to explain this to a guy you have recently started seeing, my experience suggests that a lot of them will get a freaked-out "oh shit is this a test do I fail if I don't get her surprise flowers" expression the first time through. I blame society for that.)

Brunhilde

@SarcasticFringehead Oh jesus I miss Sunset Bowl so much! Imperial Lanes is a great grimy alternative, as is Kenmore Bowl, but they're sooooo far away. West Seattle Bowl is nice, though. Let us not speak of the Garage.

Brunhilde

@Brunhilde Also, hi neighbors!

Living My Best Life Far Away from the Hairpin!

@Brunhilde Well, hey there! Wow, it's a small world.

zamboni

CLUTTER COULD BE A LEADING CAUSE

zamboni

@zamboni "I'm leaving you for a woman with a better home organization system and wheat-germ-coated truffles"

causedbycomma

@zamboni A good friend of mind recently broke up with her bf because, among other things, he couldn't stop bitching about the fact that her house was not well-organized. Although I think he secretly wanted to bitch about the fact that she had an important, busy job that didn't leave her a lot of time to organize her soup cans by size or whatever.

zamboni

@causedbycomma Ughhhh. Because if one thing effectively fertilizes the soil of a relationship, it's resentment-fueled nagging! I am glad she's on to the next one.

causedbycomma

@zamboni Me too! As a lady with a similarly intense job there are LOTS of men out there who take the whole "I must be the breadwinner" thing wayyyy too seriously. Also, I will take you out for Valentine's Day, although I do not think I would fit anyone's definition of "gentleman caller."

zamboni

@causedbycomma it just requires some nonsensical expansion of the idea of "gentleman." I'm sure you are a great date!

sevanetta

@causedbycomma oh man, i am very much happy with my manfriend, but I worry that my cluttered house will get to him. I try! but I prioritise going to work, living my life, reading books, having fun times with him etc over ... sifting through hundreds of random things.

LacunaKale

My dearest {redacted},
As this Valentine's approaches, I am contacting you as the {redacted} Department of Health, believes that you were at {redacted}bar last Valentines. It pains me to say it my love, but the monkey appears to have been carrying {redacted}. This has been known to cause {redacted} sore, and an angry{redacted} rash in the initial stages. Ah, beloved, let us not speak of the second stage. Please, if the {redacted} has not already overwhelmed your delicate button nose, and cupid's bow mouth, contact the {redacted} Department of Health with the greatest haste. I hope that this does not change you feelings for me, and remember that I will always {redacted} you.

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