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Thursday, January 10, 2013

110

When to Put Up Lace Curtains

"Pretty Nina, with her easy laugh and almost comically efficient organizational skills, athletic Ronald with his wit and willingness to rap at our karaoke parties."
—And with what half-sentence would you like to be described in an essay detailing your divorce? For the record, I would accept "nice Edith, with her sturdy furniture and almost comically few instances of having lice/bedbugs."

Tags:

divorce, marriage



110 Comments / Post A Comment

Quinn A@twitter

Hm. I don't think I'd get the description I would love to get. Based on how people generally describe me (um, to my face, at least; God only knows what they say behind my back!), I'd probably get "Witty Quinn, with her absurdly large collection of books and lilting voice" or something.

Quinn A@twitter

@Quinn A@twitter (I realize that actually sounds pretty nice, but I hate my voice and am not sure how I feel about being described as witty.)

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@Quinn A@twitter If that's what they're saying to your face, I wouldn't worry about what's going on behind your back, lady.

miss buenos aires

@Quinn A@twitter Witty is great! I would love for people to describe me as witty. Sometimes they do. I love it.

jhonsons

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw very nice@j

Scandyhoovian

I feel like I'd get "Quiet Scandyhoovian, with her penchant for books and her penetrating side-eye."

Judith Slutler

I would probably get, "Depressed recluse Emmanuelle, with her terrible puns, lack of American accent, and flea market furniture" or some shit

PatatasBravas

I wish I had the kind of relationships with my neighbors that Jennifer Niesslein has with some of hers! I did notice that somehow the single moms aren't part of her circle, which was weirdly unaddressed - if you're going to be introspective about the smugness of a non-Boomer divorce, why not also consider how come the single moms and their non-minivans are left out?

PatatasBravas

@PatatasBravas and change that being the judgey unspoken part of my comment, haha. I guess I just get defensive about judging single moms?

nowwhat

Aspirational: Thoughtful Nowwhat, with her dry humor and almost comically devoted cult following.

Realistic: Awkward Nowwhat, with her puzzled frown and almost comically stacked piles of miscellany.

maybe partying will help

Pedantic Diana, with her fussy book organization system and fondness for sriracha sauce.

also whenever I hear or read "lace curtains" I think of Marky-Mark in The Departed.

Ophelia

@maybe partying will help I am completely unable to say, "Marky-Mark in the Departed" without a hardcore Boston accent. It's just so much fun.

maybe partying will help

@Ophelia

Jon Hamm in The Town: qwaaaaahhhhtahs.

Ophelia

@maybe partying will help And then there are things like Leonardo DiCaprio in Shutter Island. When I saw the previews, I was like, "huh. Is this set in...New Orleans?" and was totally baffled that it's supposed to be Boston.

stonefruit

@Ophelia I am not sure there is any other way to say that phrase than through a mouthful of Southie accent.

cuminafterall

"Colorfully-dressed cuminaferall, with her excellent posture and aloof bearing."

fondue with cheddar

AAAHH my boyfriend got divorced YESTERDAY! I can't wait to read this.

Judith Slutler

@fondue with cheddar Congratulations! (do you say congratulations for this? I think so!)

fondue with cheddar

@Emmanuelle Cunt Hell yes, and thanks! She was emotionally (and sometimes physically) abusive, and she continued to manipulate him (or at least attempt to do so) throughout the entire divorce process through her lawyer and, unfortunately, through the kids. I'm so glad it's over and he can move on with his life!

TheBourneApproximation

@fondue with cheddar Wahoo! Congrats on you guys being legally able to move on with your lives!

fondue with cheddar

@TheBourneApproximation Thanks! The legality is actually small potatoes compared to the mental/emotional aspect. The divorce process itself was a huge burden, because every time he wanted to do something he had to consider how it would look to a judge, and how it might affect the case if it went to trial, and there were things she did that made it difficult for him to move on. Even though he could legally do whatever he wanted (short of marrying me), his hands were tied in a lot of ways.

So yeah...it was a very happy day. :D

Judith Slutler

@fondue with cheddar Aww! That sounds so difficult. I'm sure he's very glad you were there to support him during all of it. And now it's over! :D

fondue with cheddar

@Emmanuelle Cunt Yeah...he calls me his angel. :)

Theda Baranowski

"Quiet Theda, with her prodigious number of hours spent on the internet and her pile of never-finished novels."

RK Fire

"Little RK Fire, with her too-earnest enthusiasm for social issues and her fondness for dick jokes."

or

"Goofy RK Fire, with her tendency to make random noises to herself and her predilection for re-reading books for the 2197834908 time"

Spinach Party

@RK Fire Ha! I loved reading everyone's descriptions, but when I got to yours I got a bit of a jolt, and have to ask: Are you me?

Also have to ask, which books to you re-read 2197834908 times?

RK Fire

@Spinach Party I might be! The current books are:
-any Discworld book in my possession
-Pride and Prejudice or Persuasion by Jane Austen

Lord of the Rings and A Song of Ice and Fire is getting up there. Another book that has fallen into this category in the past is the Mists of Avalon.

Ophelia

@RK Fire But Discworld books are MEANT to be read AT LEAST 2 million times apiece.

RK Fire

@Ophelia While I totally agree, I'm married to someone who never re-reads books and he always expresses his astonishment that anyone could re-read a book so many times.

Slutface

Slutface with her slutty face.

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@Slutface I think I love this too much.

teaandcakeordeath

Teaandcakeordeath. Always ran out of cake.

SarahDances

@teaandcakeordeath It's not your fault. You didn't expect such a rush.

TheLetterL

@teaandcakeordeath Eventually, we all run out of cake...

(Edit: Unnecessarily morbid or just morbid enough?)

smidge

@teaandcakeordeath I'll have the chicken then.

lora.bee

smidge Tastes of human, sir.

teaandcakeordeath

@TheLetterL
You can't run out. Else your choices are 'or death'.

sarah girl

This makes me think of the part in Amelie where she's watching the TV broadcast of her own obituary, and she sort of recreates herself as this Mother Teresa/Princess Diana hybrid. Love it.

fruiting body

"well-read fruiting body, owner of the best dog in the world"

Nicole Cliffe

Silly Nicole, with her insistence on always telling you the same story about how sharks take a single bite first so you'll bleed out and stop struggling.

smidge

@Nicole Cliffe Really??

Nicole Cliffe

YES, it is in "The Devil's Teeth."

Blushingflwr

@Nicole Cliffe Also so they can see if you taste good. That's why surfers rarely get actually eaten - from beneath they apparently look like food that sharks eat, but then after the first bite they decide humans are not all that delicious (or at least that it was a biology teacher told me at some point)

Nicole Cliffe

Hand-to-God, they think you taste fine, it's just that instead of quietly bleeding out, humans get rescued by their friends and boats, whereas when sharks take a big bite out of a seal, they can sit there for five minutes and eat a dying, placid seal. Do not sell yourself short, you are delicious.

laurel

@Nicole Cliffe Switch it up with the tale of how salt water crocodiles grab you and stuff you under a log so that you drown and then, as you decompose, attract fish. They don't even dignify your death by eating you, they use you as bait!

sophia_h

@laurel My natural history nut husband says it's actually because crocs only have molars, so they leave you under there to soften up!

In other news, never going swimming again.

teaandcakeordeath

@Nicole Cliffe
But if you punch sharks on the nose then you live! Right? Right ...?

but what if the water slows your punch and you end up just slowly putting your arm in its mouth?

TheBelleWitch

@teaandcakeordeath This is of grave concern. Underwater punching seems like it would require practice? I ... don't go in the ocean much.

yeah-elle

@teaandcakeordeath This startled me into a puff of stifled laughter at the office and the guy at the next cubicle over looked at me as if to ask if I was having trouble breathing, and he saw me shaking with silent mirth, nooooo.

stuffisthings

Pallid stuffisthings' corpse, with its decomposing knowledge of classics and exquisitely braided hair.

smidge

Dear Smidge, with all the aspirational lipstick she never wore and her distinctive laugh.

iceberg

Friendly, perpetually frazzled iceberg, with a swarm of children and, incongruously, a mouth like a sailor.

iceberg

@iceberg PS I loooooove all of these you guys, we are the best.

TheBourneApproximation

Anxious TheBourneApproximation, with her feminist and scifi blogs, her unfinished data analysis code, and her unwillingness to go clean out the pantry for god's sake there's like five opened and unfinished bags of chips in there.

Ialdagorth

"Unholy Ialdagorth, black, shapeless, malevolent cloud creature - vile cousin Azathoth by her side as she cleaves through the screaming masses when the Old Ones finally awake and the end has come". That or "loud usually, often dyes her hair".

yrouttasight

Wry-witted yrouttasight, with ever frigid hands and encyclopedic knowledge of mid-90's alterna rock.

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@yrouttasight Cold hands, warm heart! (I say this a lot to defend my Raynaud's hands.)

yrouttasight

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose Aw, that's sweet!

The Mr. and my friends call them my icy-death hands.

Lisa Frank

Wild-haired Lisa, with her confused expression and half-finished craft projects.

raised amongst catalogs

Hermity Raised Amongst Catalogs, with her multiple garment bags full of unworn dresses and painful-looking chewed cuticles.

MoxyCrimeFighter

"Moon-faced in both shape and pallor, with a darkly arching pair of truly excellent eyebrows."

That's the nicest thing I can think of.

teaandcakeordeath

@MoxyCrimeFighter
Don't knock it, I've always dreamed of owning a darkly arching pair of truly excellent eyebrows

MoxyCrimeFighter

@teaandcakeordeath I do like them a lot, but my pleasure is somewhat mitigated by my secret knowledge that my natural eyebrows are medium-brown and somewhat sparse, and that I basically draw the good ones on every morning. Keeps me humble, I guess? (Also scared that I will sleep over someone's house and wake up in the morning with 2 perfect eyebrow shapes on the pillow.)

iceberg

@MoxyCrimeFighter but that means you have excellent eyebrow-drawing skills, which is nothing to be sneezed at (say the perpetually shaky of hand)

teaandcakeordeath

@MoxyCrimeFighter
I have this exact fear!
See also: accidentally smearing my own eyebrow across my forehead.

Crackity Jones

Termagent Crackity Jones, with her comically tiny feet, feminist crafting antics and unswerving insistence on Cats Above All Else and bugger the stereotypes.

Ophelia

Tangled Ophelia, with her cup of tea and overzealous dog.

yeah-elle

Ever-punctual yeah-elle, with her utter lack of poker face and arms like wet noodles.

kinbarichan

Anxious mother Kinbari, with her uncanny ability to find two-dollar cashmere sweaters at the local thrift store.

iceberg

@kinbarichan this is an important skill and one I utterly lack.

kinbarichan

@iceberg: I'm pretty sure I was a cashmere goat in a past life, and I instinctively reach out to my former pelt.

lora.bee

lora.bee, with her Barbra Streisand record collection and strange penchant for walking around with her arms poised like a raptor's.

Ophelia

@lora.bee are...are you my sister?

lora.bee

@Ophelia Am I?

Ophelia

@lora.bee That would be really weird. Do you live in Boston? Or are there just two women out there in the world who like belting out ballads while running around like a raptor?

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@Ophelia @lora.bee Hey, I'm on pins and needles here.

lora.bee

@Ophelia There are two of us!! There are two of us?!

Ophelia

@lora.bee Wow! It has been known to happen, from time to time, at family gatherings, that we all chase each other around like raptors. Also, my sister technically has a lot of CDs/MP3s, so I think you're probably the only raptor with an actual record collection.

Nutmeg

Drunk Nutmeg, who was always threatening to fart on him in his sleep as revenge for some imagined slight

hallelujah

@Nutmeg I snorted.

Carrie Hill Wilner

"Hot Carrie, with her new boyfriends."

Carrie Hill Wilner

@Carrie Hill Wilner I mean, DUH you guys.

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

Quizzical Rose, with her excellent taste in ankle boots and penchant for sitting on quiet porches during loud parties.

yrouttasight

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose Can I join you? I think that is the very reason I picked up smoking.

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@yrouttasight Put down that cig and sit next to me, and let's talk about that weird guy who keeps doing loud, annoying things.

Onymous

The steadfastly unpresentable Onymous, with his large and exceedingly well disguised nice side...

Changeling

Quiet Changeling, with her painty hair and unbridled enthusiasm for David Attenborough.

plumb-bob

@Changeling David Attenborough! We were going to name our cat David in his honour, except we'd already named the computer David.

anachronistique

Giggly anachronistique, with her octopus jewelry and far-reaching nerdery.

(It sounds like we're all constructing Homeric epithets for ourselves.)

Nutmeg

@anachronistique if my name were Dawn I would insist on calling myself Rosy-Fingered Dawn to the point that my friends would slowly disappear until only the Classics majors remained

Ophelia

@Nutmeg Would your traitorous friends slowly fade off towards the horizon of the wine-dark sea?

anachronistique

MY PEOPLE. <3 <3 <3

Roxanne Rholes

@anachronistique I am fully aware that this is going to sound super creepy, but I am pretty sure I remember meeting you at the pinup down by Faneuil Hall...and your octopus necklace is SUPERB. I also remember another girl who had a gorgeous embroidered cardigan. Pinner style! Slays me.

anachronistique

@Roxanne Rholes It would only be creepy if you'd been watching the pinup from the other side of the bar. Instead it's just flattering! <3

leonstj

Gentle Leon, with his easygoing absurdity and his almost comically moon-sized pet triceratops.

meetapossum

Smiling meetapossum, with her love of bad jokes and her obsession with Grumpy Cat.

whizz_dumb

Gruff whizz_dumb, with his self-mockery and odd phrasings, alcohol when it's dark.

Petit Prince

This is relevant to my interests: I got divorced about four months ago and still run into former 'couple' friends the S.O. got in the divorce and its always forced and odd and I both think and try not to think about what the final judgement on me has been.

"Often drunk Petit Prince, surprisingly good to have at parties and mysteriously without almost any personal possessions."

all the kittens in the club gettin nipsy

Self-explanatory all the kittens in the club getting nipsy, with her five to the four to the three, hands in the air if you cats drunk as me.

stonefruit

Thoughtful stonefruit, with her extensive collection of YA lit and not-so-skillfully concealed hypervigilance.

PS highly relevant to my interests, as my sweetie is in the middle of an amicable/uncontested divorce, so thank you for the link.

Inconceivable!

Reclusive Inconceivable! with her enormous Parks and Rec gif folder and immunity to iocane powder...

phewthatwasclose

Intriguingly clumsy phewthatwasclose, with a squinty smile and magical ability to date everybody.

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@phewthatwasclose Are...are you Bella Swan?

PomoFrannyGlass

An educated guess as to ex's/ex's close friends' judgment*:

Tall Franny, with her defense mechanisms and unreasonable expectations**

*Anything that has gotten back to me has actually been fair and civil
**Expectations were never unreasonable, but mechanisms remain defensive

plumb-bob

Compact plumb-bob, with her deceptively naughty-looking face and pathological inability to ask for help...

iceberg

@plumb-bob ahhh this makes me want to hug you.

plumb-bob

@iceberg 'and her awkward hugging style...' BUT SERIOUSLY - all hugs accepted :-)

Verity

Know-it-all Verity, with her teetering piles of books and her clothes covered in cat hair.

TARDIStime

@Edith, I think Logan of the Billfold would also settle for that selfsame description.

Mine might be "multitude-containing TARDIStime, with her irrational fear of touching roaches and her overwhelming desire to see them dead. NOW."

JIMMY

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