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Thursday, January 10, 2013

100

Unreleased Celebrity Fragrances

27th Precinct by Jerry Orbach: Notes of pepperoni and shoe polish on an instant coffee base. Leathery, minimal, and cost-effective, this fragrance feels like a big, crusty hug, and is perfect for those stressful mornings when you don’t want to get out of bed.

Wool of the King by Lana Del Rey: Imitation gold is overwhelmed by corrosive notes of Mountain Dew, gas station bathroom hand sanitizer, and chlorine. Spritz it on your angora sweaters, your dogeared copy of Lolita, or your money!

Sherlocked by Benedict Cumberbatch: Notes of the finest bergamot and saffron mingle with the overpowering aromas of black tea, gunpowder, and clammy bedsheets, in a fragrance that works best when applied to the nape of the neck and shielded from cold air by a fashionable scarf. May incite homosexual urges, in both the wearer and those immediately around him.

Steve Buscemi Eyes by Steve Buscemi: Notes of menthol and ylang ylang on a whiskey base. Banned in Utah. 

Endearment by Shirley MacLaine: Bourbon-infused sage leaves blend with the subtle sweetness of expired lipstick and Book That’s Been In The Bedroom of An Incense Enthusiast For Too Long.

Mule Variation by Tom Waits: Animalic, with notes of honey, overripe orange peels, and improperly cured game meats. Caution: may burn through the skin if applied too liberally.

Goldbloom by Jeff Goldblum: This fragrance, meant to be drizzled down the wearer’s forearm (preferably while in a moving car) is redolent of warm eyeglasses, tanning oil, and Velociraptor musk. Perfect for work or leisure.

Winsome Integrity by Jon Stewart: Notes of caraway seeds and ballpoint pen ink on a Just for Men base. A trustworthy, nonthreateningly sensual fragrance, the perfect complement to an imitation-leather messenger bag or a book-shaped iPad cover.

Fair Child by Morgan Fairchild: This very special perfume is composed of pure diamond dust mixed with heavy cream and crushed freesia petals. Can also be used as foundation.

Wintour Harvest by Anna Wintour: Peppery, balsamic, indecisive, and fresh. Notes of warm blood and Galliano Sequin enliven this fragrance designed for the gal on the go.

Fryday I’m in Love by Stephen Fry: Well-worn corduroy mixes with notes of mahogany, pear brandy, and stilton in this comfortable, woody blend. Perfect to wear while reading Dickens or lecturing friends on Salic law. Caution: will make the wearer almost unbearably delightful.

Acedia by Louis CK: Sweat, sweat, sweat! If you suffer from excessive dryness, this fragrance is for you. Armpit sweat, groin sweat, neck sweat, and top of head sweat on a base of Cinnabon frosting combine in a mélange of mysterious, depression-inducing sensuality that’s sure to make you the belle of the ball.

Go for the Gold! by Tonya Harding: Notes of Aquanet and Revlon quick-dry nail polish in Velvet Rope mingle over a base of Flammable Leotard and Unladylike Perspiration. A perfume that gives you the courage to go for your dreams, and then to ignore all the bad publicity your courage inspires. Can also be used to style bangs.

Sarah Marshall's writing has recently appeared on the Order of the Good Death and the Collagist. She would give her right arm to smell like Tom Waits.

100 Comments / Post A Comment

iceberg

this is so perfect i have nothing to add except my love

iceberg

@iceberg can you do one for Robert Downey Jr please

frigwiggin

@iceberg Right? These are so on-point it hurts.

lora.bee

@iceberg SO PERFECT.

iceberg

@iceberg Robert Downey Jr: beard clippings, pomade, roasted meats and sex, with mild top notes of smugness. <3 u RDJ

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@lora.bee hahaha, yeah that's so perfect! kabar berita harian terkini

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@frigwiggin I am always searching online for articles that can help me. There is obviously a lot to know about this. I think you made some good points in Features also. Keep working, great job!
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yrouttasight

"Fryday I'm in Love"???

I was clapping like I'd just seen a Shakespeare production after reading that.

sprayfaint

@yrouttasight I think I'd wear that one.

grizzle_bees

@yrouttasight me tooooo. I love Stephen Fry so, so much.

AmandathePanda

It is indicative of my intense Cumberbatch crushing that I kind of actually really want to smell that. Wear that. Watch whatever happens around that. Sorry, am I on Tumblr? Fangirling.

thatgirl

@AmandathePanda I may have growled at my computer.

arlette

@AmandathePanda Pardon the spamming, but YOU CAN HAZ. I have bought this and adore it.

PatatasBravas

@AmandathePanda CLAMMY BEDSHEETS

par_parenthese

@arlette Perfect.

@PatatasBravas I cannot with your avatar. The hotness. It distracts me.

Helvetica

@AmandathePanda I'm not sure whether I would actually like the smell or just the fact that it's Sherlock. Oh, well, either way.

leonstj

I'm kind of freaked out, because the Shirley MacLaine one is pretty much exactly what I smelled like while prepping thanksgiving dinner.

(The most private thing I'm willing to admit is...."I kind of like the smell of burning incense.")

par_parenthese

@leon s Whoa, pump your brakes. There are people who won't admit to kind of liking the smell of burning incense? I am not friends with any of these alleged people.

Anne Helen Petersen

BEST use of redolent I've ever seen

cashmere velvet candy cane

Oh man, Sherlocked. I would wear that, honestly (except for...clammy bedsheets? do not want). My look for 2013 is basically the female version of Sherlock (coat collar turned up, scarf, occasionally showing up to places covered in blood). I have heard on good authority that it's making my Sherlock-watching lady friends confusingly attracted to me, so I obviously need this perfume to seal the deal.

Chareth Cutestory

@cashmere velvet candy cane My friend calls this style She-lock.

Megasus

@cashmere velvet candy cane Also I don't believe that Sherlock Holmes allows clammy bedsheets. I like to think he is fastitidious in that one way, and has them changed every day.

cashmere velvet candy cane

@Megano! Agreed! He has to keep his sheets clean for when he wears them out of the house, obviously. Never know who you're gonna run into.

Renleigh

I love all of you and you are all right about everything. The sheet smell, the outfit, the word She-lock. I need to be good friends with all of you immediately.

Nicole Cliffe

I almost joined Pinterest just to have another form of social media to share this on.

Lucienne

I'm pretty sure you can buy Fair Child at LUSH.

PatatasBravas

The Tom Waits one is absolute perfection, surrounded by other perfections.

PatatasBravas

...can't stop laughing about the dogeared copy of Lolita and the cinnabon joke and the Steve Buscemi Eyes, ahhhhhh where is my oxygen, come back air!

Beatrix Kiddo

@PatatasBravas The Louis CK one slays me.

JanieS

SHERLOCKED. FRYDAY.

Who wouldn't want to smell like a learned Englishman?

Lili B.

@JanieS I swear anyone who smells of bergamot jumps 1000x up my bang list.

Spaghettius!

@Lili B. I wanted to like this several times. Can Sherlocked exist?

Renleigh

@Lili B. I have bergamot scented body butter and the idea that this makes me smell like Sherlock makes me like myself so much more.

yeah-elle

This is...so wonderful, I just keep looking to my left and right, wondering who I can possibly share this with right this second.

martinipie

the only thing i dislike about this is that i did not come up with it omfg

PatatasBravas

I need to know what the James Franco one smells like.

Ophelia

@PatatasBravas Upscale libraries, macaroni and cheese, wildflowers, and weed.

riggssm

@PatatasBravas My exact question when I saw this.

Chareth Cutestory

I can practically smell Jon Stewart right now.

buckachu

From work-induced tears to maniacal laughter in one post. I love this place

Kevin Knox

(I would totally wear the Shirley Maclaine one.)

cosmia

I would marry the shit out of a guy wearing Sherlocked

par_parenthese

@cosmia Totes snorted. THIS IS TRUTH.

Renleigh

@cosmia WORD.

par_parenthese

SALIC LAW. I LOVE YOU.

iceberg

Jason Statham: Top notes of burned tire rubber. The scent of jeans that have been worn for three days marinates in base notes of distilled pheromones.

rekabeka

This is probably the most press Morgan Fairchild has seen in decades.

nowwhat

Best thing I have read all week!

kickupdust

the Shirley Maclaine one I actually really want to own and wear and smell like. incense-y books, bourbon, sage?! yes please!

Harriet Kierkegaard@facebook

Perfection. And thank you for opening with Jerry Orbach.

incense and cookies

This is wonderful! I'd buy the Tom Waits and possibly the MacLaine. And given my username, I too, like the incense.

By the way, while not quite the one described above, there is a Sherlock perfume here: http://www.etsy.com/listing/109073908/perfume-oil-bottle-small-sherlock

trixila

I would totally wear Steve Buscemi

Prescription Pants

This is my favorite thing on the 'pin this week. Really really. Plus? I can't even express how relieved I am to know I'm not the only one who wonders what Tom Waits smells like.

thom

I passed by Steve Buscemi once while at SXSW. The only thing I remember is he smelled very strongly of cheap smelling cologne and was dressed in all denim from head to toe in the 90+ dry Austin heat. Oh and he was whistling to himself–seemed like a real happy camper.

babs

Really happy to see the Hairpin linked to on kottke.org!

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This very special perfume is composed of pure diamond dust mixed with heavy cream and crushed freesia petals. Can also be used as foundation. used office furniture albuquerque

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