Interview With a Wolf

As part of our ongoing series of conversations with animals on policy and population control issues, we recently sat down with Spike, an Oregon wolf currently based in California.

Us – Are you going to eat me?

Spike – What? Jesus, lady.

Us – I’m sorry. I just watched the first two-thirds of “The Grey” and then took a Xanax.

Spike – I mean, even if I didn’t have this tracking collar on…

Us – What?

Spike – “The Grey.” Right. Oh, yeah. Sorry, that would do a number on anyone.

Us – It was DARK, too, right? I was not expecting Liam Neeson to be having an existential crisis while face-punching large canids.

Spike – The plane crash is a lot scarier than the wolves, anyway, don’t you think?

Us – It really is! And it went on forever. Hey, the survivors should have just stayed in the downed plane, right?

Spike – Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. I mean, you figure help is gonna get there in a couple of days, max, you’ve got packages of peanuts and cushions and fuel.

Us – Wait, how do you know about cushions?

Spike – I mean, I’ve been in California for over a year now. People here…they’ve got a really fluid notion of indoor and outdoor space. I really admire it. Couches in the backyard. Burgers left on plates left on wicker footstools. I find it really inspiring.

Us – That’s cool. Should you be so close to peoples’ houses, though?

Spike – All the better to eat them! (brandishes claws)

Us – AHHHHHH!!!!

Spike – Joke! Joke. It was a joke. Couldn’t if I wanted! Collar, you know. (points to collar)

Us – Yeah. We should go. Do you…do you know anything about this, by any chance?

Spike – You know that wolf telepathy thing is just in Twilight, right? It’s not real. Those wolves were in Saskatchewan, and I’m sure it was a bear, anyway. You know, I do think you could have done more preparation for this interview.

Us – Oh. I feel silly now. I’m sorry, I was just a little shaken-up.

Spike – Oh, I’m not offended. Not in the least. You should totally finish “The Grey” tonight, by the way. They get rescued, his life picks up, one of the wolves becomes his friend…it’s sweet, really.

Us – Really? Oh, cool! Thanks, Spike, this was fun.

Spike – Anytime. (smiles)

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