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Thursday, January 17, 2013

49

Interview With a Crab Louse

As part of our ongoing series of conversations with animals on policy and population control issues, we recently sat down with Legion, a crab louse who lost his home prior to his host's January beach vacation.

Us: Did you see it coming?

Legion: Yeah, the writing's been on the wall for a while now, honestly. Well, I mean, each of us only lives for around thirty days, but we have surprisingly good institutional memory.

Us: I would say that I'm sorry, but I find the entire concept of your existence totally, totally gross.

Legion: I just don't understand why people think remoras are adorable, but we're revolting. Not to mention, yeah, you're getting rid of US, but you're leaving yourself open to all kinds of microtears and infections and stuff.

Us: I know, I know. And it's so expensive, and it hurts, and why are we even doing it? It JUST happened. Why wasn't there some kind of vote?

Legion: If I were you, honestly, I'd make a stand. Ya gotta make a stand.

Us: Ugh, and then the discussions. You can make a totally good argument against doing it, and then someone immediately agrees with you and makes a comment about pedophilia, which is dumb, and then you have nine people jumping on that person, and then you've got people who say they do it for themselves and don't even have sexual partners, and then you've got people who say it makes them feel "clean," and then you've got people who say they have beautiful, fluffy '70s bush, and they're clean as a whistle, and they resent you for implying otherwise.

Legion: C'mon, ladies, seriously, if you let this happen, they'll come for your eyebrows next. Or your eyelashes. Or your pinkie fingers. Go to the barricades! (whistles "La Marseillaise")

Us: Legion, I do not think you are arguing in good faith, here.

Legion: Oh, I'm sorry, am I not allowed to agitate against the destruction of my environment? If you prick me, do I not bleed?

Us: Ew. I guess there's some commonality. We can all agree that you can express preferences about a partner's grooming habits, if you're willing to reciprocate, and that people can make their own aesthetic choices.

Legion: Hey, by all means, justify it however you want. Ignore the creeping menace of the patriarchy. "When they came for the crabs, I said nothing."

Us: Honestly, Legion, sometimes I really think the patriarchy invented bikini waxing just to keep feminists infighting with each other instead of seizing the means of production.

Legion: Just...promise me you won't do anything you can't take back. Nothing permanent. Fashions change! Fads come and go. It might get very cold during the coming global superstorm.

Us: Oh, Legion. Hey, when you said "ya gotta take a stand," were you doing Alan Ruck as Cameron in "Ferris Bueller"?

Legion: I was. Maybe there's more to crabs than meets the eye[lash], huh?

("There's a Place for Us" from West Side Story plays)

49 Comments / Post A Comment

madge

yeah, i don't mind what others do to their pubes, but i am firmly with the crab on this one. i just can't imagine anything i'd like to do less than pay someone lots of money to yank out all my pubic hair ...

but it's is a generational thing, i think -- my BFF who is 8 years younger is in favor of smoothness at all times, whereas most folks i know who are approximately my age (40!) are like :/ about waxing and would just rather trim it up on special occasions.

jule_b_sorry

@madge I'm younger than your BF even, and I 100% cannot envision paying someone to stare closely at my naughty parts while they rip the hair out with wax strips. Like, I don't even like having the gyno down there, really, and I don't even pay to get my NAILS done - let alone get waxed every, what is it, 3-4 weeks? Yeesh. That would require WAY more free time and organization (and money) than I currently have.

Although I did just buy this amazing sugar scrub from Sephora and I noticed it leaves the parts in question just SUPER soft...which has encouraged me to groom down there a bit more, just for funs.

iceberg

@jule_b_sorry it doesn't have to be waxing :)

whateverlolawants

@jule_b_sorry What is this scrub?

Hammitt

@madge

In a super generational thing that may be TMI, my mom's best friend (lets not get into HOW this conversation even started, but wine was involved, lots of wine) who is 70 was telling me how APPALLED she is that i get waxed because when hers went from natural reasons she felt like she was losing her virility and womanhood.

Megasus

@Hammitt wait, IT IS NORMAL FOR YOUR PUBES TO FALL OUT WHEN YOU ARE OLD!?

Hammitt

@Megano!

Yeah, I didn't know until this conversation either.

As I said, LOTS of wine.

Most of it after this little revelation, actually.

madge

@Megano! i think it's normal but not a given.

formergr

@Hammitt Having worked as an EMT in an area with a couple of nursing homes, I can say that it's not uncommon. (Why people who were dying/already dead somehow always seemed to be naked is a different mystery)

jule_b_sorry

@whateverlolawants This stuff!

http://www.sephora.com/flake-away-body-polish-P294727?skuId=1368679

It says it's just for legs, but I use it all over. It makes my shower smell like a spa, and leaves my skin really, really soft. The only problem is I'm going through it really fast for the cost...but, it's kind of nice b/c I like it so much, it's encouraging me to shave more and not be so lazy about grooming like I usually am in the winter.

LooseBaggyMonster

@Hammitt Virility AND womanhood? That's rather uncommon. ;)

OhMarie

"Legion, I do not think you are arguing in good faith, here." This whole thing is perfect.

Scandyhoovian

Aren't they were already after our eyebrows? And our leg hair? And our lady mustaches and any other hair we may have anywhere people can see in any given situation ever?? (Except our heads, bald heads are weird on ladies, you should have long luscious locks and spend all the money on extensions because everyone should have hair like a shampoo model.) UGH SOCIETY WHY ARE YOU THIS WAY?

jule_b_sorry

@Scandyhoovian "Liz, it’s OK to be a human woman!”

“No, it’s not! It’s the worst, because of society!”

decantate

@Scandyhoovian I'm totally on board with you for this entire rage, but then I sort of wandered off into wondering if I could transplant my leg hair into my thin and fine scalp hair. I bet that'd really give my roots a boost.

Scandyhoovian

@decantate omg I would totally pay for that.

Scandyhoovian

@Scandyhoovian Also "Aren't they were already"? Self, your rage is no excuse for poor Englishing.

fondue with cheddar

@decantate Maybe someone will come up with a magic pill that will direct all our hair growth to the places where we want it.

iceberg

[insert joke possibly only understood by Australians re: deforestation of the "map of Tassie"]

BirdyAnn

@iceberg Amanda Palmer gets it: http://youtu.be/rcoreV10hI8

Cawendaw

@iceberg [insert unnecessarily snobbish protest that that joke is perfectly decipherable to non-Aussies who watched Amanda Palmer's "Map of Tasmania" music video]

iceberg

@Cawendaw Haha, I've never heard of this, sounds like I must watch it asap!

whateverlolawants

@Cawendaw Or if you just know what Tasmania is shaped like!

Cawendaw

@iceberg Please tell me that Australian slang for pubic lice is "Tasmanian devil." Or "crotch devil."

frigwiggin

@BirdyAnn Let it fly in the open wind!

laurel

@iceberg My Australian friend says when she was a teenager she used to carry a small map of Tasmania folded up in her wallet so she could whip it out when blokes shouted, "Show us your map of Taz!" at her.

teaandcakeordeath

Note to self: Dont sip tea whilst reading these posts as lines such as: "When they came for the crabs, I said nothing" will make you spit it out with laughter.

Mariajoseh

"sometimes I really think the patriarchy invented bikini waxing just to keep feminists infighting with each other instead of seizing the means of production." <3

meaux

@Mariajoseh. Yes! PREACH IT.

Cawendaw

I was raised by insect biologists, so I hope I have an excuse for spending about half this article wondering about the mechanics of how a louse could whistle. It'd have to vary the circumference of its spiracles, right? Do lice even have sphincter muscles? How would the production of different tones have benefitted it evolutionarily? (Of course I never questioned the fact that it can talk.)

Onymous

wait wait wait...
when did everybody decide remoras were cute?

BoozinSusan

@Onymous About the same time that Shark Week, in all its toothy glory, came to television.

kinbarichan

@Onymous: But not lampreys, never lampreys.

whateverlolawants

Ugh, most of the comments on that article... I guess most Bloomberg readers do not share my political sensibilities.

Hammitt

@whateverlolawants Dear LORD. I went there, after reading this, thinking that maybe just some of them were like "anotehr thing brazillians are good for!" and I thought maybe you'd be overreacting? And then I read them. And they are just the sort of awful people I assume read Bloomberg? Like, the same legion of guys in suits who somehow eventually discover all the nice bars and appear and order things really loud and then try to hit on you by buying you expensive drinks you don't want because ALL you want in the WORLD is for them to be in any other bar on this goddamned earth?

Phew. Apparently i have a think against traders.

whateverlolawants

@Hammitt Yeah, so many of the same jokes about the EPA and Obama. It tells me they couldn't be bothered to load more comments before sharing their originality. Thankfully, there wasn't as much debate about pubic hair as I expected.

SuperGogo

@whateverlolawants Remember our collective New Year's resolution, kids: No more reading comments on the Interwebs except at the Pin.

Jinxie

@SuperGogo Luckily the comment redesign over at Jezebel makes it too hard for me to hateread their comments most days.

anachronistique

The song is "Somewhere." "There's a place for us" is just the first line. (Why yes, I am precisely that sort of annoying pedant.)

fondue with cheddar

@anachronistique Haha, that bugged me, too! (No pun intended.)

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

So in the linked article, there is an image of a public louse and you can 'click to enlarge.'

I DO NOT RECOMMEND.

dennishobson

very nice post, i certainly love this website, keep on it madeira palsticaD2

Nayab Atif@facebook

It tells me they couldn't be bothered to load more comments before sharing their originality. Thankfully, there wasn't as much debate about pubic hair as I expected.
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Nayab Atif@facebook

I went there, after reading this, thinking that maybe just some of them were like "anotehr thing brazillians are good for!" and I thought maybe you'd be overreacting? And then I read them.
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Nayab Atif@facebook

The only problem is I'm going through it really fast for the cost...but, it's kind of nice b/c I like it so much, it's encouraging me to shave more and not be so lazy about grooming like I usually am in the winter.
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Muhammad Atif@facebook

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Nayab Atif@facebook

The only problem is I'm going through it really fast for the cost...but, it's kind of nice b/c I like it so much, it's encouraging me to shave more and not be so lazy about grooming like I usually am in the winter.
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