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Thursday, January 17, 2013

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Six Guaranteed Low-Effort Toddler Games

Okay, you're a nice person, and your sister just wants to lie down and have three martinis while someone else deals with her kid for a MINUTE, GOD. But you're kind of lazy, basically, and you're looking for games that can be played while you operate a smartphone with the other hand. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault.

1. Do You Like My Hat?

Oh, my God, I can't believe I'm even telling you this one. I can't. It's so easy. Just put something on your head which is not normally found on heads. A book. A sweater. A piece of toast. Then say, super proudly, "do you like my hat?" And the toddler will WIG OUT. The first thing babies learn after coming into the world, apparently, is that things do not go on heads. After they yank it off your head, put it back on, or put a new object back on your head, and say EVEN MORE PROUDLY: "Do you like my hat?" Repeat.

2. Imma Push You

This one was inspired by the comedian John Mulaney. It's probably better not to explain the provenance to your sister, but you can watch the routine here (NSFW). At any rate, this one is dead easy: you're sitting, type-type-typing, the toddler stands in front of you, you say (in a fake-threatening voice): "IMMA PUSH YOU." Then you take the flat of your hand, and you place your hand on their chest, and you knock them over. They love it! They giggle hysterically. Repeat until they throw up from joy, then pass them back to mom.

3. Greeting Card Dance Party

Now, you have to PAY ATTENTION for this one, okay? Physically, you don't have to do anything, but you have to be a wee bit vigilant. Before you go over to Toddler Central, stop at any grocery or drug store that sells musical greeting cards. Buy one. It doesn't matter what it says. I've had great luck with cards playing the Kenny Loggins song from "Caddyshack," but I've also used "You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet" and "Age of Aquarius" and "What is Love?" Hand the card to the toddler. Let them open and close it. If you want to put in a little effort, dance when the music is playing and freeze when it stops. Otherwise, they're fine on their own. If the music stops for more than a second or two, make sure they haven't disembowelled the card and started trying to swallow the machinery.

4. Fake Remote Control

Toddlers have an insatiable bloodlust for remote controls. Fact. They're also smarter than they look. You need to get a useless remote control (you probably have, like, nine that you don't use, honestly, or that control a speaker system the previous occupant of your apartment had). You can take out the batteries, but toddlers can usually tell by the weight that you're fucking with them. Now, here's where you have to up your game, okay? You need to make them think this remote is of great value to you. Pretend to use it. Then hide it somewhere dumb. Let them find it. Say: "No no, baby! Remotes are for grown-ups!" Take it away. Do that, like, four times, then pretend you haven't noticed they've found it. They'll be like Smaug. You will find them sleeping on their treasure. Also like Smaug, they WILL know if you move it.

5. Indiana Jones and the Exercise Ball of Doom

Classic. Best if you have a long hallway, but works anywhere. You do need an exercise ball (one of those ones you sit on to improve your core), but if your sister had a hippie birth, she probably used one to help open her cervix (ew). Roll the ball over the kid. It won't hurt them. Then, as they get up and run away, hurl it down the hall after them. It takes literally two pounds of force, you can just nudge it with your foot. They enjoy it more if you say "KALIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!" as you do it.

6. Hide Things in Your Clothes

I don't really even need to explain this. I like to use a beeping baby monitor (one that's running out of juice and warning you to charge it) and stick it under my shirt. Then I lie on my back and read a magazine. The kid shakes you down and runs away with the monitor. Drag 'em back and repeat. If it's your kid, feel free to hide the monitor in your pants. If it isn't, keep it above the waist. Trust.



389 Comments / Post A Comment

honey cowl

This is the BEST! I want to play all of these!!!!!

Jill_Tata

love this art!!!!@k

Megasus

I won't tell you how many of these tactics I have basically used on my dog, but it's more than one.

City_Dater

@Megano!

Me too. Based on conversations with my friend about her two-year-old, the animals behavorists who place canine mental acuity around "human toddler" are spot on.

My dog's favorite (which also works well for children): "I'm going to get you" (said in a scary whisper, while crouching and waving claw-hands menacingly). Delighted dog/toddler runs away to "hide"; adult goes back to reading magazine until dog/toddler comes back. Repeat.

SarahDances

@Megano! I do this to one of my dogs all the time, and it usually devolves into wrassling, but last night, he got a little distracted, and when I actually grabbed him he peed a little bit out of surprise/fear. And I felt bad. I guess what I'm saying is, I can see where that would be a risk for a toddler, too.

dk
dk

@City_Dater I have a 5 month old baby, and I have compared him to a puppy more times than my mother is comfortable with. They're basically the same!

Pela

@City_Dater This also works on boyfriends. Mine calls me "Krampus" when I make a frowny face and crab hands. And he fucking loves it. I made him giggle once :)

Megasus

@SarahDances Hilarious! Though I would probably freak if Darwin did it to me.

daisicles

@dk Little babies and puppies are SO the same. When my sister had her baby shower, my mom and I were shopping for some little baby toy for her. Mom leans over to me and suggests that we might as well get a dog toy because it'd be cheaper and they all kinda look the same anyway. Four years on, I still think it might be a good idea.

frigwiggin

@Megano! This is also surprisingly applicable to my cat. She loooooves "I'm going to get you" and also Fetch and Tug-of-War and I'm Going to Meow Until You Give Me Green Beans (that one's not so much a game, but still).

dk
dk

@daisicles Whenever I pick my kid up from grandma's house, we have to sort through the toys on the floor. Which one is the baby's? Which one is the dog's? Which one has been chewed on by both? Answer to every question: "ALL OF THEM."

Hot Doom

@frigwiggin Yes, my cat likes the "Imma getchu" game too. She responds particularly well to the menacing "oooooooh, Imma getchu, you nasty devil kitty. Just you watch...'etc and ambushes me and runs away while I give her tail little yanks (gentle yanks! She's elderly, but a little spitfire).

redheadedtwit

@SarahDances Luckily toddlers normally wear diapers, so who cares if they pee a little!

iceberg

"Toddlers have an insatiable bloodlust for remote controls. " PREACH.

ahhh this was great, and very true, and helpful, I'm sure, for all the cool aunts and "aunts" of the Pin!

MmeLibrarian

@iceberg I am trying to con my eight-month-old into maybe possibly considering crawling. I often raise the issue by placing her on her belly on the floor and then setting a remote control in front of her, three inches out of her reach. The contortions that ensue are incredible. No crawling yet, though, which makes me believe that it's just not time, as I am certain that she would do anything within her power to get her hands on the Magical Stick of Buttons.

alannaofdoom

@MmeLibrarian - I was chatting with my mom last night, and she told me they had the hardest time getting me to crawl because I kept rolling over onto my back and trying to inch myself along with my head, somehow?

I... think I turned out ok?

iceberg

@alannaofdoom My son did this! like an upside down caterpillar. He moved on to crawling soon enough.

mayam@twitter

@MmeLibrarian i conned my niece into crawling more by opening the photobooth application on my computer so she could see herself and placing the computer like 4 feet away. Plus side is that I could also video tape her doing it this way and send to her parents! I know there's a thing about screens and babies but she loved it and is a normal 3 year old now.

MmeLibrarian

@alannaofdoom Babies come up with a variety of inefficient ways to get around. Mine currently has this hands-free, butt-scoot thing that she thinks is a good idea. She's totally going to fall on her face if she keeps it up.

cmchammer

@MmeLibrarian My mom tells me that when I was little and trying to crawl, I would consistently get all ready with my arms and knees...and then push myself backwards. Again and again and again. Apparently, this made me turn so made that I would clench my teeth/hold my breath until I turned purple. Don't really know what this means for me as an adult. I guess I'm still pretty stubborn?

Changeling

@MmeLibrarian

Marquise de Morville

@cmchammer My little sister used to crawl backwards (well not for a while, she's 26) and that frustrated her.
My friend's 5 month old can hold himself up with his arms but still thinks he can move without bending his legs, so it looks like he is doing pushups - and gets annoyed with the lack of locomotion. Way too amusing to watch!

MmeLibrarian

@Changeling That the jist, but my daughter would be *thrilled* if she could get that far.

The scoot is at least an upgrade from her attempts to move by doing what basically amounted to locust pose and then yelling when she didn't go anywhere.

Marquise de Morville

@Changeling That is fantastic - probably cleans the floor as well.

Verity

@MmeLibrarian My boyfriend's niece is just at the learning-to-crawl stage. She lies on her front and flails her limbs wildly (interspersed with pushing her head down towards the floor by using her legs); it's adorable.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@Verity
A friend's kid used to crawl with just her hands, pulling herself forward like a beached mermaid working her way back to the surf.

She figured out normal crawling eventually, to some disappointment on my part.

squishycat

@MmeLibrarian My younger brother didn't crawl "normally" until after he had learned how to walk - he did this sort of army crawl/worm wiggle where he pulled himself along by his elbows and kind of wiggled the rest of himself (flat on the floor) after. It didn't seem to bode ill for his development.

iceberg

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll @squishycat
Yep, we called that style the "Wounded Soldier".

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@iceberg
Oof, I thought a beached mermaid was sad enough of an image...

justemily14

@MmeLibrarian Have no fear - it all turns out right eventually, most of the time. My granddaughter also took a long time deciding to crawl over to get something instead of trying to stretch her arms like Gumby. When she did start crawling, she tucked one leg under and crawled on her hands and one foot to get across "no-baby's land" in the center of the room - her primary mode of transport for the next five or six months. She moved around the perimeters of the room by standing up and hanging onto the furniture. Finally, at 14 1/2 months, my son reported, she threw both hands up in the air and walked across the room.

"Do you like my hat?"

My mom played this with me and it resulted in me thinking everything was a hat from ages 2-6. There are great pictures of me wearing purses as hats, pairing them with rain boots, underwear, and nothing else.

Bostonienne

@S. Elizabeth When my youngest siblings were toddlers we used to play a variation on this entitled, "Is it a Hat?" The response was almost invariably "Not a hat!" (underpants? Not a hat! Lego bin? Not a hat! The cat? Not a hat!), but occasionally an actual hat would be thrown in, just to mess with them.

sparrow303

@S. Elizabeth I have been babysitting for 15+ years, and "Do you like my hat?" is truly fail-proof.

laurel

I am a middle-aged toddler. Apparently.

annev6

@laurel I really want to run home and play the hat game with my boyfriend right now. I hope he's into it.

ImASadGiraffe

Some of the ones that have worked for me:
- Put a piece of scotch tape on the baby's foot. Replace as needed.
- Helium balloon on a string with something weighted attached. Some attention needed in case balloon pops, because, you know, pieces of balloon.
- iPad plus a Bubble Wrap app. Pop the bubbles, make noises, giggles ensue.

Jinxie

@ImASadGiraffe So basically, anything I would do to entertain a cat works on babies?

falconet

I am also a big fan of the following:

1. Pretending to Eat the Blatantly Inedible Object
2. This Banana is Actually a Telephone
3. Where's Mama? (hint: hiding under a heavy blanket while prone on the couch)

anachronistique

@falconet ring ring ring ring ring ring ring BANANAPHONE

(you brought this on yourself)

HereKitty

@anachronistique ***bloodcurdling scream***

graffin

@falconet
My 11 month old loves:
1. Imma get you! and Don't get me!
2. Pretend to be asleep and have her wake you up
3. Turn off lights, turn on lights

Dancercise

@graffin
I recently taught a 2-year old how to fake snore because we were playing "Awake, Asleep," which consisted of me turning the lights off and yelling "Asleep!," fake snoring, and then him turning the lights on and yelling "Awake!" Repeat.

laurel

@graffin My dogs also love Imma Get You. Combined with snapping lobster claw gestures it results in waggytailed scampering and fleeing.

The Oldladydog and I used to play A Game of Skill and Strategy called I've Got Your Bottom where I would chase her around and try to pinch her bottom while she tried to keep her bottom pointing away from me. Good times.

iceberg

@Dancercise Awake/Asleep! also the best. Toddler fake snores are hilario.

iceberg

@laurel haha I do this but with Raptor Hands.

professionalmess

@falconet I've had success with a combo of Imma get you and Eat the Inedible Object with Imma eat you, which I now realize sounds much better in context with a laughing child than typed out on the internet.

plonk

using the toddler's foot as a phone is also apparently HILARIOUS.

Kristen

@falconet I can't believe no one has mentioned this yet, but it does require a bit of effort.

1. Put a toddler on your back, piggy back style.
2. Call out, "Where is [toddler]?'
3. When the toddler answers, spin around. Shout out, in disbelief, 'BUT THERE'S NO ONE THERE!"
4. When toddler calls, 'I'm behind you! Turn around!' spin around again.
5. Continue to spin around, acting increasingly distraught, until toddler dies of hilarity and/or crawls across your body in front of your face to let you know where they are.
6. Hug toddler, pretend you have missed them, say, 'Don't EVER do that again, I missed you so much!'
7. Repeat.

iceberg

@Kristen OMG doing this tonight!

leonstj

@professionalmess - I feel as if there is something compelling between parents & their kids with "IMMA EAT YOU".

One of my insanely close friends & his wife had their first child yesterday, and their families hadn't made it into town yet, so they had me come visit them after I got out of work. It was like, a dude I have known since I was 13, his wife, and their baby, like, 2 hours after the nursery.

I held the baby for a little, we joked about how he looked like Robin Williams (Hahaha newborn fuzz), I took their first family photo.

While the young dude lay in the basinet thingy, my buddy tried to figure out how swadling works. And then says "Look at how small he is, I could basically eat his entire face in one bite." And proceeded to lean in close and show that his open mouth was indeed bigger than the babies little face, and declared "Watch out baby, I'm your dad, I'm allowed to eat you for dinner if I want to!"

It was maybe one of the most touching things I've ever seen.

SeaKat

@falconet Ha! We've played all of those. My 4 year old STILL thinks "Misidentified Body Part" is hilarious. Sample: "Why are your socks on your nose?" "That's my feet!" "Oh. ::points to belly:: This is your face, though, right?" And so on. Of course when she was younger it was just a simple point-misname-laugh-repeat.

Sigh.

Good times.

SarahP

I play "Do you like my hat?" almost every day with my husband but he always ignores me in the hopes of stopping me from doing it all the time.

Clearly I should be hanging out with more toddlers.

fondue with cheddar

Where was this when my niece and nephew were toddlers?

—fondue with cheddar, not a baby person

adorable-eggplant

@fondue with cheddar Hahaha, I was having the exact same thought. Except I am pretty sure that "Imma push you" would end up with me knocking over a toddler, said toddler crying, everyone looking at me like I'm a monster, me standing there in dismay shaking my head and reassuring everybody: "I read this on the internet. It was supposed to provoke amusement, dammit."

I'm really bad with kids until "What is your favorite book?" works. Up until that point I'm mystified.

fondue with cheddar

@adorable-eggplant Yeah, I hear that. My niece and nephew are 4 and 5 1/2 now, which is great because I can finally relate to them.

I never had kids and don't plan to, but it just occurred to me that my boyfriend's kids (who are in high school and college) will eventually have kids, so I'll have to go through it all over again.

baked bean

@fondue with cheddar Yeah idk what to do with kids that can't hold conversations or debate. I somehow kept getting part-time jobs watching kids at a YMCA or camp or after school thing becuase they were available, and after the first one, I was experienced so people would hire me. I didn't do too good with anyone not old enough to do crafts. I didn't really know what to do with younger ones other than show them toys. They usually cried and wanted their mom if they were there too long.
Once though, I had a 5-year-old friend I watched and we liked to build elaborate houses out of blocks and talk about his future and argue about stuff. Another mom dropped her kid off and asked if I was his older sister because of the way we acted together. It was a "dawww" moment for me. I know she didn't mean it nicely though.

fondue with cheddar

@baked bean Aww, that sounds awesome. Screw that other mom.

When I was in middle school our neighbor across the street had a 5-year-old girl, and I would go over there to play with her. It must've seemed a little weird, but she was a cool kid. I had a great time. Plus, she had a big She-Ra collection.

Somehow my niece and nephew always loved me and were excited to see me even when I didn't know what to do with them. But now that they're bigger and I know how to interact with them it's even better because I feel more like I earned it.

TheLetterL

- Put Auntie to Bed: Flop on couch, keep child fetching blankets and pillows one at a time. Comfortable, although clean-up is tedious.

- "[Child] is a terrifying dinosaur that will destroy us all. Let's hide!": Call out that sentence. Hide. Bonus dinosaur noises will hilariously alert you to the child's approach. Remember to shriek periodically.

- Anything if you sing about it loudly enough: Take a tip from children's programming. If you are singing a narrative of your activities, it is automatically a fun game.

Dirty Hands

@TheLetterL These seem fun but LABOR-INTENSIVE.

TheLetterL

@Dirty Hands Well, I mean my object is mostly to not leave the couch, so.

iceberg

see also:
that thing where you hook your finger in your cheek and make a popping noise (doesn't last long because it makes your mouth hurt after a while)
letting them tickle you (be sure to teach them the word "tickle", because otherwise you won't know that's what they're trying to do)
setting up at least 3 chairs they can crawl under in a row and telling them to go through the "tunnel" - ours will do this for a good 20 minutes.

Julia duMais

@iceberg on the "hilarious noises you can make with your body" front, if you can do a big theatrical fake sneeze, too, that's a good one.

oh well never mind

@iceberg nooo my nephew doesn't understand tickling (although he thinks it's hilarious!) and last time he drew blood on my collarbone :(

splendorofmorgan

@iceberg Observed in a park:
Photographer to young son during family photo shoot: "Can you laugh like you're getting tickled?"
Mother: "We don't tickle in our family."
My boyfriend and I: staring at each other in disbelief as we ponder the fetishes this boy will surely grow up to enjoy.

Barry Grant

@Julia duMais "hilarious noises you can make with your body"

Let us not forget the undisputed monarch, fart noises. Believe me, you will be a comedy deity to any pre-schooler with that one.

Titania

@iceberg I babysat for a little girl who gathered her understanding of "tickling" from how she was told to pet the family dog, and would gently pet you all over your body, but particularly on your boobs/belly. She meant well, it was hard to talk her out of it.

queenofbithynia

My very favorite game as a very young child was for my best friend's mom to seal us both up inside a giant cardboard box such as large appliances are delivered in -- like with packing tape or duct tape or something -- and then we would go crazy lurching around trying to explode our way out, although ideally it would be really difficult and would take a long time. We were somewhat above toddler age but I figure it would be an even better game for toddlers since they are weaker and thus it would last longer?

p.s. please do not psychoanalyze me based on my love of this activity and my sincere wish to be duct taped into a refrigerator box now, as an adult. It's more fun than you'd think.

fondue with cheddar

@queenofbithynia I totally forgot until I read your comment but I totally did this when I was little and it was so much fun! It might be scary for toddlers, though.

Ellie

@queenofbithynia I want to do this like right now. Oh my god.

queenofbithynia

@Ellie you won't be sorry!

Best practices: when your friend's mom puts down heavy-duty gym mats on the basement floor under your box so that you can HURL and/or FLING your whole body against the side from inside and knock the box over, again and again. this is like rolling-down-a-hill level fun.

RNL
RNL

The real ticket is to be able to repeat games SO FAR past your own boredom threshold that you can't even really believe it. Like, the game takes on a dada-esque, other worldly quality because you have been playing it over and over again FOREVER.

pilcrow

@RNL Yes! Also this is the case with music, when the toddler is the DJ. The first thirty times you hear "Twenty-Six Miles Across the Sea" by the Four Preps you are cool with it. Then you begin to hate it, and hate it more and more until it is making your brain shrivel up. Then you start to *not* hear it, even when it's on. Then, weirdly, you start to like it again but in a strange pomo way, like it's a collection of sounds in some wacko sound art installation.

area@twitter

My father has excellent advice on this topic: "There is nothing a kid loves more than watching you make a jackass of yourself."

hallelujah

I'm a fan of "narrate whatever you're doing in song," so the kid thinks it's fun but really you're just opening the mail or tying your shoes.

meetapossum

@hallelujah I do this anyway, so I guess I'm off to a good start!

Judith Slutler

These are all fantastic.

I would also add "smile at the child until she notices, then look away and pretend not to see that the child is looking at you. Then smile again, then pretend to ignore the child." The kid will mirror exactly what you're doing and there will be a lot of giggling.

Slutface

@Emmanuelle Cunt I do this with my cat.

Amphora

@Emmanuelle Cunt I do this with my husband.

Miss Kitty Fantastico

@Emmanuelle Cunt this also works on stranger children when you're in a long wait for a restaurant. but probably only for women. men, don't do this.

jagosaurus

@Emmanuelle Cunt I do this with everyone I meet.

par_parenthese

@Madeline Shoes I disagree! Men, only do this if you want to be asked out by nearby women immediately! A grown man charming a baby/little kid is awesomeX1000.

Mariajoseh

@Madeline Shoes oh I do this with stranger's children ALL THE TIME! parents love it when you think their kid is cute enough to entertain and I'm a sucker for babies. I play games with every single child who crosses my path.

Bloodrocuted

@par_parenthese No, my neighbor says it looks "pretty weird" when I do this. (What if you Eat Alone and smile at a toddler? The ultimate humiliation.)

Plant Fire

@Emmanuelle Cunt It totally works for men! My dad does this to babies all the time and they love it. At least the babies do. I think the only thing that doesn't work is if you're a woman in a group of people who are enthused by the baby and you're politely ignoring it/not doing anything. Then everyone thinks there is something wrong with you.

Julia duMais

Now I just need a toddler.

Bloodrocuted

@Julia duMais I am nervous of I'mma Push You, but I need Do You Like My Hat?

Angelena@twitter

500 points for do you like my hat?

fondue with cheddar

Then say, super proudly, "do you like my hat?" And the toddler will WIG OUT.

OH I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE.

Jinxie

OMG bookmarking this for next time I go visit BroJinx and his adorable, but EXHAUSTING, small children.

fondue with cheddar

@Jinxie They ARE exhausting! A couple years ago I babysat them for a few hours shortly after Christmas, and although I love them I was dreading the energy drain. But then they wanted to open up the new sheet sets I'd given them as gifts and play with them, which meant spreading sheets on the floor and cuddling and pretending to sleep. BEST GAME EVER.

Jinxie

@fondue with cheddar I'm nowhere near ready to actually go and have kids at the mo' (at least not from a practical point of view) but I have been having Serious Baby Thoughts lately...and then I spent 3 hours alone with my 6-year old nephew the day after Xmas and am safely back on board the "I'm ok just being their Auntie Mame" train. I was not prepared for how tiring it'd be watching a little kid play Wii games all morning. (I was ordered by the little dude to participate, so I couldn't just zone out and read, but he was never willing to actually hand over the Wiimote to me.)

leonstj

@Jinxie - When me and my sister were little, one of my uncles, when it was his turn to babysit us and we were being raucous, was "ABC HUSH". Basically, he would say "A-B-C-HUSH!" and then it was a contest to see who could go the longest without making a single sound. It was brilliant.

(he would ask permission to babysit us when he was a senior in highschool and we were little so he could use us to hit on women. best tactics (1)included having 6 year old me run up to ladies and tell them they were pretty, and him following after to apologize for me interrupting them and (2)my 3 year oldsister would "drag him" into Claire's and he would act COMPLETLEY CONFUSED as to how to like, help her put on a hairband, and ask cute schoolmate who worked their for help.)

fondue with cheddar

@leon s THAT IS BRILLIANT.

gobblegirl

If you don't need to use your kitchen, or have a large-ish bathroom or other tiled/lino area, this is my mother's best advice:
Towel on the floor, pots and tupperwares and measuring spoons, fill a couple of the tupperwares with water. Watch child pour and play.
I can't figure out why this worked on me as well as she said it did - it doesn't sound plausible at all. Someone please try it on another child and see if I was just an outlying weirdo toddler, or if this is actually a good game.

fruiting body

@gobblegirl Sounds about right to me. When I was little (maybe slightly older than toddler-age, but before kindergarten?) and it was hout outside, my mom would give me a bucket of water and an old paintbrush and I would "paint" the steps. For hours.

bitchycrosstownexpress

@gobblegirl You are not weird! My mom is a preschool teacher and they have "water play" all the time as soon as it is warm enough to go outside, and it's essentially fill a bunch of plastic tubs with water and hand the kids cups and buckets.

iceberg

@gobblegirl Triplets favorite bath toys: empty baby wash bottles, big squeezy-bulb baby-medicine syringes and small plastic tubs for filling, pouring and tipping over each other's heads.

hallelujah

@gobblegirl This sounds great (tupperware!) but when I was pregnant I went a little overboard with babyproof-researching, & one thing that always comes up is DO NOT LET YOUR CHILD PLAY WITH POTS & PANS. They will think they are always toys & then pull one off the stove with boiling water in it & maim themselves. So now I'm terrified of letting my son near them :/

par_parenthese

@fruiting body Is it strange that that sounds SO meditative and calming to me? I remember making wet-feet footprints and designs on our concrete patio when we played in our little wading pool and being endlessly fascinated with how they evaporated. Ephemerality hooray!

milkbreath

@gobblegirl I loved doing this too. When I was a little older, roughly 6 to age 9, it evolved into LET' S FREEZE EVERYTHING. I would put various objects, usually toys, into cups of water and then shove them into the freezer because SCIENCE or something like that. My mother drew the line at freezing the cat toys because kitty did not appreciate working for her ice entombed mouse toy.

Dancercise

@bitchycrosstownexpress
Yup! Playing with water and sand are HUGE in child development circles. Kids love it.

Decca

@gobblegirl This was my favourite game as a kid. There's a family story about how once my dad's boss came over for dinner while I was playing with various tubs of water on the upstairs landing. I'd made quite a mess and the boss had to walk through my water puddles on the way to the bathroom. My parents apologised for that, and the boss's completely serious, earnest reply was: "It's fine, I have been in the sewers of Pakistan." My parents were like: "Oh...well, I'm sure the mess she made isn't quite that bad...".

MmeLibrarian

@gobblegirl My eight-month-old can be in full-tilt meltdown mode and will still be pulled back from the abyss by a bath with floating toys. I've also tried setting her up on the kitchen floor on a towel and placing her half-filled, now-retired baby bathtub in front of her, bath toys set sail in it. Very effective, but not quite as thrilling as being in the water herself, oh god, the wonderful, wonderful water.

LeafySeaDragon

@gobblegirl lol i used to put a baby pool (like 2 or 3 inches deep) in the kitchen on towels and give my son measuring cups and spoons. apartment baby!

TheLetterL

@gobblegirl Same here, but add a cooking show on in the background and me "following along" with water.

OhMarie

@fruiting body Yes! We would "paint" the deck. Insanity.

MilesofMountains

@par_parenthese I have basically done this as an adult. If you 'finger paint' with salt water on a hot rock, going over the same line again and again, you eventually wind up with a drawing made of salt.

Joey

@Decca literally laughing out loud!

TARDIStime

@MmeLibrarian Dear God, the stories mum used to tell me about my obsession with water and my possessiveness of the wading pool!
I then got to see this come to life again as a 14-year-old when my first step-sibling was a toddler. We realised she had inherited my water obsession when the blow-up pool was about to be put away and she totally freaked out, ran through our (closed) fly screen door, tearing the (very expensive) fly screen and screaming and crying and absolutely losing her mind and my Dad looked at me and just said "Deja-Vu".

beezelbubbles

@gobblegirl The water thing definitely worked on my kid. There is a reason that water and sand tables are popular for kids' toys.

Queen of Pickles

@gobblegirl My dad came up with amazing games when I was a kid. The one I remember most is from when I was very young, maybe 6:

He filled all the tupperware containers with water. My brother and I added food coloring to make each one a different color. Purple, teal, yellow: it was beautiful.

Then he froze them, took them out into the hot summer driveway, shook out the colored ice blocks onto the pavement, and smashed them (to our ecstatic delight) with a sledgehammer.

I love my dad.

whereismyrobot

I like giving a kid a high five and after acting like their brute strength of the high five hurt me. I wince and say "OW!" Then I tell them "softer please, that hurt!" Some of them do it softer, some go for harder. "Ow!" either way.

They never tire of this.

Also the Talking Carl app is pretty great.

lobsterhug

My mom's version of Imma push you was to pretend she was a preacher ridding our bodies of demons. It involved a firm push of the forehead and a garbled "Command the bully devil out."

Hot Doom

@lobsterhug haha! I used to to do a similar game, but I would be the preacher commanding the demon out, as it were. I watched a lot of trinity broadcasting network on days spent home sick.

amitygardens@twitter

@lobsterhug A friend's mom would "baptize" us in the pool. We thought twas the greatest thing ever.

madge

that baby is cute as hell!! (nice hat, too. i DO like it.)

Amphora

@madge Oh man, I had one of those hats as a kid and I wore it nonstop for YEARS. Like the little girl on Bob's Burgers, Daniel Boone style.

milkbreath

My favorite game was "Daddy is a monster chasing us down the hall!" which is a pretty straightforward game. My father is deaf and can barely say my name, but he is damn good at making scary monster sounds.

Miss Kitty Fantastico

@milkbreath my dad used to play 'The Get Game' where he would come home from work and put on nylon track pants (ha, the 80's) and crawl around the house on all fours while we ran in front of him and shrieked. He did this so much and got to be so fast that he burnt holes in the knees of multiple pairs of pants.

Julia duMais

@milkbreath My dad was great at that! Also, Lump In The Bed, in which my sister and I would hide in my parents' bed, and he'd attempt to make it, and then wonder what all of these lumps in the bed were. So he would say "get down, lump!" while lightly swatting us with a pillow or pushing us out of the way.

(For bonus hilarity, know that my father is a libertarian civil servant who just looks like Nick Offerman plus fifteen or twenty years, so imagine Ron Swanson trying to make his bed around shrieking toddlers and it'll probably be pretty accurate.)

milkbreath

@Julia duMais my dad kind of looks like a mix of Fidel Castro and Joseph Stalin so him chasing me down the hallway probably looked scarier than it really was.

LMac

@milkbreath When we were little, my parents would sometimes audiotape us for my grandparents, who lived downstate. They found an old one recently, that's just the sound of my dad playing "moster" and my brother and I screaming in mock terror. My mom was not amused. Also, we used to play "bulldozer man" which consisted of my dad rolling on the floor and us trying to jump over him. He would always reverse on us mid-jump, so he would catch our legs and we'd go down. I miss the 80s.

splendorofmorgan

@LMac I miss being able to fall down with minimal pain.

Michaela D@twitter

@milkbreath My grandpa had a specific "monster" game he liked to play with my sister and I. He'd say "here come the backwards man!" And put his glasses on the back of his head, turn his tie around, and slowly walk backwards around the house, chasing us from room to room. We loved it.

Ellie

@Julia duMais This was my FAVORITE GAME. I begged my mom to make me into the bed every time. She never did it nearly as much as I wanted her to.

Ames

@Michaela D@twitter This actually sounds horrifying to me.

digsapony

@milkbreath My boyfriend makes me into the bed and I still giggle like mad when he does it. Kid for life!

Ialdagorth

I have the best toddler entertaining mechanism of all time built in - long hair. Kids fucking love long hair. I don't know what the hell is going on with that but I run with it, man. I just let them destroy it for the day and make sure I can shower after any toddler visiting experience. They comb with fake plastic garden tools, they put tiny Barbie hairbows and clips in it, they wrap it tightly around their sticky disgusting hands and pull, they brush it forward into my face and then slide on sunglasses for a hip modern Cousin It look...on one memorable occasion, my niece put glittery lotion in it to give me "beautiful" "highlights". I've also stopped at a store post toddler beauty treatment and had the cashier compliment me on the Spongebob stickers in my hair I had forgotten to remove. Tres chic!

fondue with cheddar

@Ialdagorth You have the patience of a saint.

Ialdagorth

@fondue with cheddar I have a high pain tolerance and it keeps them from trying to steal my smartphone and chuck it into a drinking glass or toilet (VALID FEAR, as that is truly a toddler's favorite game).

fondue with cheddar

@Ialdagorth YES. My brother used to give his kids his phone all the time, and I was like WHAT ARE YOU DOING. When my niece was a toddler she actually destroyed his phone with drool. It completely stopped working. Fortunately it wasn't a smartphone.

I'm glad he has one now, because my iPhone was such a novel thing to those kids. Occasionally I would show them pictures or videos on it, and they always wanted to hold it. NOOO. I dreaded letting them see it when I was doing regular things like making a phone call.

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@Ialdagorth My 3-year-old niece likes to brush my hair. "Can I brush your hair, Rose?"
"Sure, sweetie."
While brushing she casually says, "I like your necklace."
"Oh, thank you, I like it too."
"This is fun, isn't it Rose? We do this because we're girls."
And then I get into a fun convo where we talk about how boys can get their hair brushed and wear necklaces, blah blah...

Jinxie

@fondue with cheddar My nephew is, like most 6-year olds these days, totally comfortable using iphones, ipads, computers, etc. For the most part it's great - this is the way of the future, etc. The downside, though, is that he doesn't understand why he doesn't have the free access to my phone the way he does his mom and dad's phones. I have to passcode lock my phone when I'm at their house so he can't get into my texts and email. See, also: "Auntie, what do you mean you don't have any games on here?? What do you DO with your phone?"

fondue with cheddar

@Jinxie That's what old phones are for IMO.

Decca

My dad was very talented at a game called Socktoe. He'd pretend to be asleep on the couch (ie probably actually drift off for a few seconds) and my sister and I would stealthily creep up and try to steal his socks without him noticing.

rosaline

@Decca This reminds me of my dad's favorite after-work game: Log. He would lay on the floor and my sister and I would climb all over him. Every once in a while, he would start rolling across the floor, at which point we would shriek and giggle and try not to get rolled!

fondue with cheddar

Whenever I see someone mention "What Is Love?" I think of the Howard Jones song first. Then I realize I am an Old and they probably meant the "baby don't hurt me" song. That's the one, right? Or is there another one?

Dancercise

One of my favorite games my dad played with us as kids was Airplane. He'd lie on his back and hold us up in the air so we could "fly." More often than not, it also involved him dramatically singing (read, going "Da da da da DAAAA duh") Ride of the Valkyries and then having us "crash" at the end.

Marquise de Morville

@Dancercise There's a German childrens rhyme were you let the child sit in your lap and make pretend it is riding, and at the end of the rhyme let them 'fall' between your legs. This is way less dirty than it sounds written out. The rhyme is roughly: if the rider falls, he'll cry out, if he falls into the ditch the ravens will eat him, if he falls into the swamp, he goes 'gloop'. You let the kid fall on the count of "gloop." Endless entertainment, and way darker than I remember

Sella Turcica

@Dancercise I remember my (much) older brothers and sisters playing that with me when I was little and now I play it with my nieces and nephews. Bounce the toddler on one knee, like they're riding a horse. We'd do our rhyming in English though. "The old man went riding riding riding..." (etc, in rhythm to the bounces) "then, he fell into the ditch. But, he got back on to his horse and went riding riding riding..."
There's also a game we'd play with younger babies. Lie on your back with you knees bent like you were going to do a crunch. Hold the baby over you with her legs on your knees. Use your arms and legs to make the baby fly and do acrobatics (but gently). We'd call this The Flying Zucchini Brothers/Sisters and sing circus songs. It's also a good way to get a baby puke facial if you do it right after a meal.

Verity

@Marquise de Morville There's an English one like that as well - you bounce the baby on your knee while talking about how different people ride, and one of them ends in "and down into the ditch!".

Ophelia

@Verity We do it, but it's "give me a ride to Boston" and at the end, "I hope you don't fall IN!"

Queen of Pickles

@Ophelia
Yes! My dad did, "Riding off to Boston, Riding off to Lynn...
If (QueenofPickles) doesn't watch out, she's gonna fall INNNNN!"

With a high falsetto on "in".

digsapony

@Verity This is the way the lady rides! My grandad used to do thst.

Decca

Also: You'll never guess what loud applause this cunning hat receives!

area@twitter

@Decca And you'll never dream the things that you can hide within these sleeves.

Dancercise

I love you both.

The Hyperbolic Julia Set

@area@twitter Did it ever bother you that those were see through sleeves? THEY CAN'T HIDE ANYTHING!

LeafySeaDragon

my fallback is IMMA EAT YOU. mmm, yummy babies. tasty. MUNCH MUNCH with monster noises and tickles. fi fi fo fum! noises make everything better.

par_parenthese

@LeafySeaDragon This game was called Baby Pie at my house. "Mmm, that dinner was delicious but you know what I really want for dessert? BABY PIE!! NOM NOM."

Another favorite: I Need To Count Your Ribs. Adult must be verrrry serious, and start over every time giggling happens.

Lili B.

OH my god, John Mulaney! His routine about putting "What's New, Pussycat?" on 27 repeats on a diner jukebox in Chicago is one of the best standup pieces I've ever heard: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-rqQujx9vk0

Decca

@Lili B. Ahahaha this is wonderful. I would've been cracking up if I had been in that diner.

Lili B.

@Decca it's exactly the sort of thing I'd think I couldn't get away with and then not do. BUT NOT MULANEY, he went for the gold.

kbn22

I'm pregnant with my first. AND TAKING COPIOUS NOTES.

TheLetterL

"Oh no, I've lost [Child]": Pace around house wailing about how you lost [Child], she was right there, where could she be, maybe she escaped to wild and is being raised by wolves, etc, all while zigzagging, ducking, and generally avoiding the child. Usually good for at least a text or message check...at which time the screams and laughing usually reach an unpleasant decibel level and you are DELIGHTED to find her.

quimby

I'm really good at "oh no there's magic glue on my hand!" and it gets stuck on everything until toddler can pull it off. Lamp, couch, toddler's cheek, my other hand,etc....

par_parenthese

@quimby I LOVE this.

blueblazes

Totally unsafe behavior to model that is also hilarious to youngins? If you're somewhere with swings, get the child going and then walk back and forth in front of them allowing them to narrowly miss swinging into you. All the while, perform a long, repetitive monologue about how you were just here at the park minding your own business and now some extremely rude child keeps trying to knock you down. This is preschool GOLD. Bonus points for adding snooty British accent.

Kristen

@blueblazes man, you have just NAILED my babysitting style.

Miss Kitty Fantastico

I need to use these on my best friend's toddler. He is 2 and I tend to just talk to him about my day and ask him questions about his books and cars like he is an adult, because what else am I supposed to do?

.abbey

@Madeline Shoes *picks up tiny fisher price yellow and red truck* "So... eh, what kinda speeds does this baby hit?"

PaperbackLady

I was babysitting my 2 year old cousin over christmas and I was playing Horsey which involves bouncing her on my knees while humming the William Tell overture. She LOVED it. Made the most delightful squeal I have ever heard. Her four year old bro wanted a go, but I'm pretty sure it hurt him in the crotch, but he wouldn't admit it. Oh kids!

Oliver St. John Mollusc

@PaperbackLady My dad would do that to us when we were little! There was a whole rhyme we'd get bounced in time with: TROT little HORsey TROT to TOWN, TROT little HORsey ALL FALL DOWN, at which point we'd get dumped off Dad's knees onto the floor. Best game ever!

Lili B.

@Oliver St. John Mollusc Ours was regional: RIDE a HORSE to BOSton, RIDE a HORSE to LYNN, look OUT little girl you MIGHT fall IN!

PaperbackLady

@Oliver St. John Mollusc Man, now I feel like I dropped the ball by just humming a song!

TheLetterL

@Lili B. I always heard it as "Trot, trot to Boston..." but I can confirm it's definitely a thing!

baked bean

@TheLetterL Grandma's version was "Trot, trot to Boston!" And we were nowhere NEAR Boston.

iceberg

@Oliver St. John Mollusc Ours is "Trot little pony, trot to town, watch out little [boy/girl/child's name], you might fall DOWN!" joggle child on your knees until "down" then drop child between knees.

dj pomegranate

@PaperbackLady My father did this with my brother and me (sometimes one on each knee, which I respect even more as an adult with old knees) He always sang the William Tell like, "Da da DUM da da DUM da da DUM DUM DUM!" and then in the last line hold it-" da da DUMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmm..." while we would look at him holding our breath waiting for the "DUM DUM DUM" at which point he would drop us to the floor where we would immediately scream, "AGAIN!"

It was never-ending hilarity.

PaperbackLady

@dj pomegranate haha I think it's a great way to intro kids to classical music

Heidi

@baked bean We did "trot trot to boston, trot trot to lynn, when we get to the Chelsea bridge we all fall in!" (and at "all fall in" obviously drop the baby/toddler through your knees).
Which confused me as a child in Boston, as the Chelsea bridge is not a thing...but all 3 of those places are in England as well, and the Chelsea bridge was notoriously unsafe.
My toddler, who doesn't live near any of those places, will also be confused by this, I'm sure, but for now he thinks it's awesome.

baked bean

@Heidi I don't think our version mentioned Lynn or Chelsea but can't be sure. I think the horse died at the end and that's why you fell. Idk. I'm seeing my grandma this weekend so I'll get back to you on that.

HydrogenJukebox

It's been nearly two decades, but I'm pretty sure the game I played with my little sister is still a winner: The Sneezing Game.

Sit the kid facing you and pretend to gear up for a really big sneeze, like "Ah...Ah...AHHHH –" and then go "CHOOOO" really dramatically while pretending to push the kid back with the force of your windy sneeze. The best part is when you mix it up and go for the big sneeze and then you just go, "choo!" really tiny. Or the reverse, where it starts off really small and then explodes. Keeps 'em guessing, and the kid won't even know what to do with themselves, they'll be laughing so hard.

Julia duMais

@HydrogenJukebox YES. My little brother freaking loved sneezes, they were just comedy gold for him.

Kristen

@HydrogenJukebox I acquired lasting fame with my cousins' toddlers by incorporating a slinkey into this game. Every time I yelled ACHOO I'd let the slinkey unspool and go flying out in the air, bopping the kids on the head. They brought it up for years at family reunions. It may well be the most memorable thing I have ever done.

LB
LB

@HydrogenJukebox My brother and I used to do something similar with our little neighbor kid, but we used a very small stuffed animal. We'd hold it to our noses and then launch it as high as possible on the sneeze. She loved it.

.abbey

Having grown up around toddlers my whole life (eldest of many siblings)I genuinely love all these games. Living away now, I still miss them and try to play them with everyone around me - my friends, my boyfriend etc. I make my hand into a spider and creep it up their arms when we watch tv. I do the 'I'm gonna eatcha game!'. I pretend to crack eggs on their heads.

My personal favourite thing is just making my hands into binoculars and pretending to search. I originally did this with my littlest brothers all the time, but now it's just a part of my life. Yesterday, I saw my boss behind a glass partition and pretended to spot him with my binoculars. My subsequent embarrassment was a cold wake up call to the level my humour is at.

Jinxie

@.abbey I'm always in awe of people like you who seem to have to "gets kids" gene because I...totally do not. "Aunt Jinxie thinks it's time to play the Quiet Game! That's where we sit here on the couch and cuddle and watch a movie. Whoever talks first loses."

.abbey

@Jinxie completely acceptable game. Just use this handy rhyme: "Silence in the courtroom, silence in the street, the biggest fool in [insert place name here] is just about to speak. Speak fool, speak!"

SILENCE. Any giggling squashed with a foreboding finger across the throat.

Nikita Athena Blue

Awesome. I can't wait to play all of these lmao

Pim Robert@facebook

I have something called the Mustache Game. It involves a green mustache glued to a popsicle stick that I got last St. Paddy's Day. I stare pointedly at my 2 year old nephew, turn away from him so my face is obscured, then whip forward with the mustache on saying, "HUHWHOA!HUH WHOA, HUH WHOA!" Then I turn back, remove the 'stache and look at him like nothing happened. To show me he wants to play the Mustache Game, he'll grab my hair and hold it under my nose.

Joey

Love this! Here's another one, it is a sure crowd (of toddlers) pleaser: 1. put hat on head, and as seen in above example practically any thing can be a hat 2. Sneeze (fake sneeze dramatically) 3. hat falls off in your lap 4. put hat back on your head after saying uh oh or looking shocked 5. repeat, repeat, repeat...!

Joey

@Joey Oh! Just one more: if the little kid has toy food and a play kitchen, have him or her cook for you and act all mature and really appreciate what he cooks and brings you. Example: Me: you know what I really want? A cup of tea. Child brings me fake tea. Me: blowing on it (kids love when you act as though things are hot) sipping slowly, sighing in relief, oh, that's REALLY good tea. Thank you so much.
Prepare for repeat, repeat, repeat and if the child cooks for you? Don't go chomp, chomp when you are fake eating, really act as though you are taking bites and savoring it, the look on their faces is priceless, especially when they dreamily, unintentionally chew along with you and look so proud!

Jessica Jernigan

Not only is this the best, most useful piece of service journalism I've read in... I don't know how long, but also: The suggestions in the comments are almost uniformly outstanding. I almost want to have a second kid just so I can use this stuff. Almost.

Bebe

There's always Couch Monster. Sit very still, pretending to ignore the child until he/she gets close enough to touch. Make eye contact, smile, and then yell, "RRRROOOOOAAAAARRRRR!" and make a scary monster face. They will run away shrieking in delight, and come back again. And again. And again.

Downside - the roaring can hurt your throat after a while!

sarah girl

My mom discovered that toddlers LOOOOOOOOVE if you pick up their foot (while they're lying down), smell it, make an exaggerated disgusted face and go "PEE-YYYYYYEW! Stinky feet!!" Just over and over, the stinky feet.

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@Sarah H. Yep. "Pew pew pew pew pew, stinky feet!" Works every time.

Julia duMais

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose I think if there's one thing above all else that I'm taking away from this, to adapt as necessary, it's basically that anything to do with bodies is HILARIOUS to young'uns. They make noises! They produce odors! Parts have names and ranges of motion and corresponding garments, omgggggggg Designated Grown-Up do you understand how ridic this is, I'm not sure you do.

DandelionTacy

I'm a huge fan of the hand animal- he has four legs and the middle finger is his long neck/head. He can easily climb up small people and sniff all over their faces, and then tends to tickle. It has saved me many a time in line with the little ones I nanny.

Marquise de Morville

@DandelionTacy I still do that without a toddler present. To me 'hand animal' looks a lot like a brachiosaurus.

annev6

@DandelionTacy My grandpa used to do "The Claw" which was his hand popping up and covering your entire face like a giant spider (he had HUGE hands). It was terrifying but somehow amazing? We loved it.

sandwiches

@annev6 My dad would do much the same thing, but he called it a Facehugger; similarly terrifying and amazing and hilarious.

Titania

@DandelionTacy My brother and I do that! We would play Handimals forever and ever when we were kids. Except ours tended to sniff, walk in circles, and then take very long, involved poops on each others arms and legs, with lots of shaking and sound effects and kicking up dirt to bury things. Which I guess is the difference when there is no adult leading the game.

Marquise de Morville

My Dad was/is excellent at anthropomorphizing inanimate objects and giving them personalties just by moving them around, and I still love doing that. Best thing: pretending a Kiwi would be a small fuzzy animal.

fondue with cheddar

@Marquise de Morville My favorite anthropomorphic fruit joke: cut halfway into a cherry tomato and slightly squeeze it, making it talk. Then you say, "I don't feel well," and squeeze it really hard so it "pukes".

Al Lo

@fondue with cheddar Fill your cheek with mashed potatoes, then say, "Look, I'm a zit!", squeeze your cheeks, and squirt potatoes out of your mouth. It's a disgusting hit at the kids' table at Thanksgiving.

Valley Girl

@fondue with cheddar We called that "Tommy Tomato"!

fondue with cheddar

@Al Lo EW...you know, I don't know why I find that so much grosser than the vomiting tomato, but I do.

Franny

So this one is high effort but produces a WONDERFUL effect. DANCE! Especially anything technical (ballet works well), I have found will stop toddlers in their tracks and they will stare at you in wonderment. This has been effectively used to stop temper-tantrums and other screaming. If you move slowly, they will try to imitate you and forget why they were charging towards an electrical outlet in the first place.

area@twitter

One of my dad's best kid tricks is neither toddler nor low-effort, but it is so excellent I feel compelled to share it with you anyway. In brief:
1. Fetch a stiff-brimmed hat (a bowler hat is perfect if you have one). Put it lightly on top of your head and stand with your back against the wall.
2. Stick out your thumb and place it between your pursed lips like it's the stem of a pipe.
3. Blow against your thumb, puffing out your cheeks like they're a balloon you're blowing up, eyes getting larger and larger.
4. On your last breath-on tiptoe, eyes agog, cheeks bulging out like a balloon- push the brim of your hat back against the wall in such a manner that it pops humorously off the top of your head.
5. Watch your young children collapse with laughter. Repeat as demanded.

Sincerely, Jane

In the car, my dad would have my brother and I play the "coma" game. Whoever could lie silent, unmoving and limp the longest in the back seat won. I only recently realized the underlying motivations for inventing this game.

TARDIStime

@Sincerely, Jane haha, many a primary school teacher utilized this game when I was a kid! I also used to "win" a lot (the teachers won every time, if you know what I mean).
We always called it "dead soldiers", which is kind of morbid for a kid's game now that I think about it.

milominderbender

@Sincerely, Jane In my kindergarten class (I was the teacher), we called that game "dead worms."

annev6

A friend of mine does magic/clown shows for kids. I thought this sounded incredibly intimidating! I was like "how do you ENTERTAIN CHILDREN?" Then I saw the show and realized it's basically pretending to be really dumb, and letting the kids call you out on it, and it's freaking adorable and wonderful.

ixchel

When my little sister was a kid, and driving my little brothers crazy, they invented the Far Game. Here's how it goes:
Sister stands by brothers, saying "am I far yet?". Brothers say "no!"
Sister goes into next room, and yells "am I far yet?". Answer- "no!"
Sister goes out into yard .... and so on until she is out of earshot. Then, sister comes running back, happy she won.
She thought it was a blast, until she figured it out years later.

EpWs

Nicole, I am just so happy you have a baby.

A baby with a good hat.

aprilia26

I am ever so in love with Nicole Cliffe. Is this a weird reaction to a writer? Yes I'm gay, but that's besides the point. This is about art.

Toastface Killah

My best friend is a nanny to twin 2-year-olds, and she was very excited when I passed this along to her.
(additionally, John Mulaney is maybe my favorite person, and "I'mma PUSH him" still makes me laugh hysterically EVERY TIME.)

OlivettiValentine

Mr Valentine and I have a young toddler (18 mos) and have found the best way to keep him simultaneously entertained and contained is putting him in a suitcase (open, on the floor) and then dumping legos on him. There is something about being in the confined space that makes his play way longer than he otherwise would. Also we play "make a parade!" which is just lining up toys in the windowsill. When all else fails we put him in the bathtub. One of us has to be in there and watch him, but that person is allowed to drink an adult beverage while doing so.

packedsuitcase

So you actually have to be pretty alert for this one, but it's a hit every single time I use it. It's the boop game. Touch baby/toddler's nose and say, "Boop!" Do this a few times, then touch their ear and say, "Beep!" Add in sounds/body parts as needed.

sparrow303

Basically take anything silly and act very serious about it (see, in addition to Do You Like My Hat?, also This Is My Shoe! [with the toddler's tiny shoe on your toe], I Am Sleeping [exaggerating snoring, surprised wakefulness when toddler pats you], This Is A Duck [it is clearly not a duck], etc etc).

If you're not afraid to get messy, sensory play is fun too! Water as suggested above, but also dry oatmeal (great for your hands, requires vacuuming later), applesauce, you name it. Anything squishy or otherwise interesting-- preferably safe to eat!

dj pomegranate

Mr pomegranate plays the Tickle Monster game with his nieces.
"You know what I hear...?
I...
hear...
the...
TICKLE MONSTER!!!"
and he chases them around waving his hands around in the air making the tickle fingers. Sometimes he'll catch one and tickle her while the other attacks him from behind. Seeing the little girls look up wide-eyed anticipating the TICKLE MONSTER announcement is the best. The best!

SongToSing

My favorite - and this still works on my 7-year-old nephew - is when he's lying down, I slowly lower my hands towards his belly like I'm going to tickle him, but I don't touch him. He starts shrieking and wriggling just from anticipation. Then I take my hands away and start all over again.

redheadedtwit

@SongToSing Uhhh. My BF does this to me and I squeal like crazy. Am I a toddler?

Smoakes

If they know the song Wheels on the Bus, they will become delighted when you sing it but add things that would NEVER be on the bus, like cows, and race cars, and gymnasts. You can go all sorts of crazy with what these things on the bus do, too.

supergirlieque

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