Friday, January 4, 2013


Google Searches During a Three-Day Juice Fast

After about a week of binge drinking, falafels, and Pad Thai during a recent trip to San Francisco, I decided to do a three-day juice fast. On day one, my pilates teacher asked me a silly question: “Did you eat clean before you decided to juice?”

I just laughed, and maybe nodded. Obviously, I ate clean. Who did she think I was? (But seriously, what does "eat clean" mean?)

The problem with this whole plan, it turns out, is that I like to eat. A whole lot. I wouldn’t qualify as a foodie, since I’m not entirely sure what that means, but I missed eating enough to cycle through all five stages of grief in only three days of fasting.  My Google search “paper trail” shows exactly how this process panned out for me.


Juice fast + acceptable workouts
“Clean eating”
Vegan diet
Gwyneth Paltrow + macrobiotic
Skin and hair + juice cleanse
Juicing + permanent weight loss 

Caffeine withdrawal + irritability
Juice fast + mistake
Urban dictionary hangry
How to isolate yourself at work, -fired
Are the Property Brothers gay?


Caffeine acceptable on juice cleanse?
Juice cleanse + finally feeling good?
Gum + fasting
Two day fast enough?

“I miss chewing” + juice
Famous hunger strikes
Gandhi + hunger strike
Juice cleanse + paranoia
Juice cleanse + fatalities


Juice fast + home stretch
Post-cleanse eating
Re-introducing coffee after fast
Post-fast burger?
How soon cocktail after juice cleanse?

The good news is, I lived to tell the tale. Okay, so maybe I was being a bit dramatic.


Erica Orthmann is a PR person by day and a writer by night, kind of like a much less exciting Clark Kent. Follow her random musings on Twitter.

59 Comments / Post A Comment

Cat named Virtute

Hairpin, I love you, but pleeeeeeease, no more juice cleanse stuff posts, even when they're jokey like this one. They are such a load of hooey! If you do things that make you feel like crap and you want to stop, stop! Or don't! Gahhhhhh.


@Cat named Virtute I would like to submit a piece for the Hairpin on my two-month maple cleanse. Every Thursday all through the fall, I stopped at the farmer's market on my way home from work, bought a half-pint of local hand-reared maple syrup for some really offensive sum of money, went home and drank it out of a shot glass. never felt better.

true story

also I ate food

P.S. Please don't hate me

@Cat named Virtute
I'm on a gin-and-juice cleanse right now. It's going great.

Erica Orthmann@twitter

@queenofbithynia and @Cat named Virtute I'm with ya. It was pretty rough and can't say I'd do it again. If I can get an even a little snicker from the world out of my suffering, for me it was worth it :)


@queenofbithynia I love your diet. I get syrup-shamed for my childlike obsession with maple products, so I "accidentally" pour much too much on my waffles and lick it off my plate. I come from a town where maple cream is served in tiny ice cream cones. This is my life!

Cat named Virtute

@queenofbithynia Okay, I lied, as a recent resident of Quebec, I would read the shit out of this piece.


@queenofbithynia I have a similar cleanse but with fudge. Yesterday when I was in line for my tasty classic fudge fix a lady turned to me, laughed and said, "Isn't this the time we are meant to all be on diets?! hahaha!". I wanted to take my fudge and push it into her eye sockets, but hey - waste of fudge.


@Cat named Virtute Can't this website post what they like, even if it is a "load of hooey"? And can't you just scroll on by?


@rumelt Sure, but aren't the comments here for us to comment on the pieces? And juice fasts are, scientifically speaking, hooey. Also, I hate seeing women self-torture-diet pieces on websites I love.


That IS actually pretty amazing @m


as to what is clean eating -- I believe eating "clean" is the next level up for those for whom designating good and bad foods is not quite sexy enough. so for such a person, it is not enough for a delicious pastry to be a "bad" thing for a "good" girl to eat, it helps if it is also "dirty." whether you are supposed to put some kind of latex catsuit on your brioche before you eat it or just slap it around a little bit, I do not know.

Cat named Virtute

@queenofbithynia Hey baby, I bought some cuffs for the gingerbread men LET'S DO THIS THING.

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@queenofbithynia " whether you are supposed to put some kind of latex catsuit on your brioche before you eat it or just slap it around a little bit, I do not know."

Thank you. That is marvelous.


@queenofbithynia Does dripping hot melted cheese on it count? (Rowrrr.)

fondue with cheddar

@area@twitter HELLO I'M HERE


@fondue with cheddar Why helloooooooooo.

fondue with cheddar

@area@twitter Like any good fondue, I'm full of wine...OOH, I'm sorry...did I drip on you? Let me help you with that...


@fondue with cheddar Bow-chick-a-WOW-wow, uh-wow-owww, unh.


@queenofbithynia I think it's like no white flour, no sugar, no dairy, basically nothing good.
Also I can't even think about juice cleanses without laughing like a movie villain for about 10 minutes.

fondue with cheddar

@area@twitter Who's the hot cheesy dish that's a sex machine to all the 'Pinners?
fondue with cheddar
Ya damn right.


@fondue with cheddar I wish I could like this forever.

fondue with cheddar

@area@twitter I watched it this weekend, after which I kept making up new ones.

Who's the black and white cat with one fang and stinky breath?
Ya daaamn right.

It amused me much longer than it probably should have. :)


Loved this, not being dramatic in the slightest. I am currently on day 4 of some insane diet and picked PMS week and crazy back to work week which means mood has been all over the place.

My colleague had a cheeseburger and chips for lunch and food has literally never smelled so good.

fondue with cheddar

Eating clean...is that, like, rinsing your veggies really well? Washing your hands first? Abolishing the 5-second rule?

P.S. Please don't hate me

@fondue with cheddar
Wash your hands. Before you eat. Three times at first. Then again. Until they bleed. Then again.

Only then will you be "eating clean."


@P.S. Please don't hate me Wash your food in a solution of bleach and water. Even bread.


ARE the Property Brothers gay????

sarah girl

@Inconceivable! I know, don't leave us hanging!

maxine of arc

@Inconceivable! The first result in Google is an interview with an awesomely SEO-baited URL that includes "property brothers gay," although they both profess an interest in women.


@Inconceivable! I think no. I heard of rumour of a friend of a coworker that dated one of them. Sadly my investigating skills haven't turned up anymore than this...


Okay phew, I can still pretend I'd have a chance. Although I will say that my favorite is the guy from Income Property, but I think he's married.


ha, I did a juice cleanse & was totally high by day 2 & Googling things like "really horny on juice cleanse?"


Also, my "re-introduction" day was also a bar mitzvah party, so I pretty much reintroduced everything into my system within a 2-hour period. I felt fine! "Breaking the fast" is bullshit.


I'm hoping to make "Re-Education Through Labor" the hot new health/diet trend of 2013. Let's make it happen comrades!


P.S. I am eating cupcake(s) right now, and laughing.


@Megano! Women laughing alone with cupcakes?


Oh man. I went to a family party two nights before Christmas, and loaded up my plate with desserts (because they all looked fantastic and there were TWO yule logs and I like dessert), and my cousin, who was breezing on by, eyed my plate and murmured to me that screech-inducing adage about "a moment on the lips, forever on the hips." I am giving myself credit for not mashing the plate into her dress and instead just cheerfully saying, "I'm okay with that!" and taking another bite. Ughhhh she's usually so cool, why would she doooo thaaaaat.


@frigwiggin Maybe an icicle fell in her brain on the way in and nobody had noticed yet or something


@LaLoba Jesus was that desperately rude and lacking of taste? I've been making spreadsheets alone all week and I do not even know what is appropriate or funny right now. IM SORRY


I like this website but these posts are toxic.




@LaLoba Wait or is it the opposite??? I would think that it would be a cleanse if you were cleansing the bad thing from your body, like: "get this juice OUT of me! I shall be cleansed of alll this JUUICE"

It should be called a Toxin cleanse. (HAHAHA). But in the current style, this would then mean that we would spend three days imbibing only TOXINS and "CHEMICALS" and "SUBSTANCES" and probably crystals but not the spirit kind the bad kind! Not the kind in your pee though you can have that! Magnification! CLEANSE CLEANSE CLEANSE





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@clothesbiz3 I would really rather buy something from this website than go on a juice cleanse or read another article tangentially related to a juice cleanse.


@clothesbiz3 But, any form of payment, though? Any form? Don't walk yourself into trouble, Clothes Biz 3.


I tried a juice cleanse. UGH. It also feels pretty wasteful, like for all the juice you get you're also throwing out a lot of stuff. I made it 1.75 days and by the end of the 2nd day I was all "RRRRAAAAWR THERE'S A SLICE OF PIZZA IN THE FRIDGE AND I WILL HAVE IT!!!!"

I still juice (maybe 1-2 times a week) but if I'm going green and have the time I favor green smoothies, I think they are tastier and more beneficial and also less wasteful.

although I do regret not juicing the entire time I threw my back out as I wouldn't have noticed cravings since I was conked out on muscle relaxants for almost an entire week.


Oh Hairpin, what is this disordered-eating hooey? This is disappointing.


@Susanna Thanks for saying this.


The idea of Gwyneth Paltrow in a deep fryer is repugnant. Light seasoning helps but it still leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Jay Green

Just want to throw my 2cents in that I LOVE THESE POSTS you should definitely keep them coming. Because um, I am fascinated with juice cleanses. Like, seriously, seriously fascinated. The same way I imagine goth teenagers are fascinated with serial killers.


@Jay Green All the same, I'm disappointed that The Hairpin's presenting such extreme dieting/"cleansing" methods as healthy.

Miss Maszkerádi

.....what even IS a juice cleanse anyway? (Hello from the rock I live under.) I keep imagining someone living off Ocean Spray cranberry cocktail for days and just, yuck, that feels like drinking syrup.

Hiroine Protagonist

@Countess Maritza It's the juice machine industry's way of moving a lot of product in January.

Hiroine Protagonist

I mean, if you *must* do something in January, why not a raw food thingy? It's just picky enough to touch off a host of food issues plus you get a sore jaw from all the chewing. Or cut out white sugar and white flour or something. The juice thing, it's so stupid it's laughable. YOU NEED FIBER TO LIVE!


I feel like falafels and pad thai are what I eat when I'm trying to eat healthy...


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