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Tuesday, January 15, 2013

376

Getting the Body You've Always Wanted

1. Wait until at least April, when the ground softens.

2. Dress warmly (think layers), bring a shovel and a lantern on a stick.

3. Listen. Is someone coming?

4. Cover your lantern with a blanket, wait.

5. Continue. If you're not used to hard physical labor, wear weight-lifting gloves to avoid excess chafing.

6. You may need a wheelbarrow. You probably should have brought a wheelbarrow.

7. Come back with a wheelbarrow.

8. Try to have the body you've always wanted back to your house by dawn.

9. Get online, start shopping for outfits!

10. Your friends may treat you differently now, with your new body, but they are probably just jealous.



376 Comments / Post A Comment

area@twitter

"Body by Burke and Hare"

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@area@twitter "My, you're looking skeletally thin these days!"

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I was mostly expecting to find an Ortberg up in here. I can't imagine why. This is excellent though and truly aspirational bubblegum casting

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@area@twitter nice nice nice nice nice nice thank you Ver Filmes Online

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@johncarter007 kkk, nice comment, thank you Assistir Filmes Online

Jill_Tata

U are the original in my eyez!!@k

iceberg

you've been spending a lot of time with melis haven't you. haha, i loved this though.

Hot Doom

@iceberg Haha for reals, I was mostly expecting to find an Ortberg up in here. I can't imagine why. This is excellent though and truly aspirational.
Now I have something new to look forward to for spring! Change your body, change your life!

wharrgarbl

@iceberg This warmed the cockles of my cold, black, body-snatching heart.

stonefruit

@iceberg Presumably evil melis, no?

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@iceberg its cool, nice comment.

Emby

@parallel-lines No pain, no gain. (Doesn't have to be your pain.)

Cat named Virtute

Nicole, have you been reading Ripley Under Ground again??

TheBelleWitch

@Cat named Virtute Or Wuthering Heights?

garli

I don't know, the body I always wanted doesn't smell of decay.

wharrgarbl

@garli Modern embalming techniques should be able to fix that.

Sella Turcica

@wharrgarbl Or a walk-in freezer.

Emby

What a body that Jerry Cruncher has!

OwlOfDerision

@Emby I am simultaneously damning you and offering kudos for pre-empting the oh-so-clever Dickens reference I was about to make.

MollyculeTheory

11. O keep the Dog far hence, that's friend to men, or with his nails he'll dig it up again!

glitterary

Oh my god. This is where I've been going wrong with my January resolutions! Thank you, Nicole.

rianne marie

I saw this headline on twitter and just knew it was going to be body-snatching or grave-digging or something else morbid and wonderful.
<3 The Hairpin.

Lucienne

"[Corporal Nobbs] was said to have the body of a twenty-five year old, although no one knew where he kept it."

Ialdagorth

I love this so much I want to print it out and rub it all over my face. Too much? Too much - dial it back, Ialdagorth.

Megasus

I just photoshop my face onto Adele's body. It's...less messy that way.

Also I think you missed an important first step, which is "Be best friends with a very unethical scientist." Unless you are already an unethical scientist, then you're set!

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Spike Milligan - "I have the body of a 18 year old. I keep it in the freezer."

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

Holy Jesus, this is hysterical.

Pocket Witch

Took me a while before the dawning comprehension.

TARDIStime

@Pocket Witch Same.
There was an uneasy suspicion around #5, but the full realisation came at #8.

NeverOddOrEven

Nicole, you are prescient.
I just found out I have a pretty damn good shot at being on a talk show, and despite knowing better immediately started thinking about losing weight.
Thank you for the necessary perspective.

Hamburger Hot Dog

I do not know how to express how much I love this, so I will just give you this picture of a dog dressed as a ghost and trust that you understand it means you are the best.

Miss Maszkerádi

Every now and then one finds a story about some or another daft aristocrat who mummified his wife and dressed her up and kept her around to talk at....getting the body you've always wanted is one thing, keeping it is whole new levels of magnificently ghoulish.

ColdFinger

@Countess Maritza Phillip the Fair, isn't it? And Crazy Juana?

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loooooved it! great advice! unsubscribing from women's health and the likes right now!

WaityKatie

To quote the auditory commentary from Scramble, this was "a-MAAAAA-zing!!!"

the angry little raincloud

Random and only vaguely related comment: My mom bought my dad a wheelbarrow for Christmas. It was fun to wrap.

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@the angry little raincloud Perfection!

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10. Your friends may treat you differently now, with your new body, but they are probably just jealous.

Manners cost nothing.

klemay

Very nearly began to hyperventilate. Still not over this. WILL NEVER BE OVER THIS.

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This was so hilarious and so apropos that I read it aloud to my biffles as we were gathered together over plates of steaming Cinnabon.

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This was very funny. I'm using my new hands to clap!

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Abbie, Abbie Normal.

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You guys, I am going to feel like such a creep when I look at people now.

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cant wait till my friend get jealous with my amazing different body.. :)
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