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Friday, January 25, 2013

694

Friday Open Thread

"These women danced in New York's Tompkins Square Park as a pink radio blasted 'Nobody But You' by South Korean girl-band Wonder Girls. Nobody wore gloves or hats. They were building heat."
—Hairpin pal Jon Cotner was out and about last week.



694 Comments / Post A Comment

trappedinabay

Bridesmaid dress situation update!

The FSIL emailed and wants to Skype or Facetime with me tomorrow to talk about it. I guess my 2-week timeout is over. Guys, this makes me feel really squicky! I don't want to Skype or Facetime with her. She's just going to try to emotionally manipulate me with body language / facial cues and I am quailing!

khaleesi

@trappedinabay Ugh, I've been following your updates and this whole situation just blows. I also avoid confrontation like a mofo so if the call got uncomfortable, I would just pretend my internet connection dropped :/

Best advice I can give really is to stand your ground, you've already told them how you feel which I think is the hardest part. Maybe she's calling as she's willing to compromise?

Judith Slutler

@trappedinabay a: you don't have time to schedule a face to face convo, b: you have taken the time to reconsider the issue and look over your finances during the past few weeks, and sorry but you can't spend 600 dollars on a custom dress. You're excited for the wedding but THE BRIDESMAID THING IS NOT GOING TO WORK OUT

SarahP

@trappedinabay Be strong, and be chillingly cheerful and polite!

OhMyGoshYouGuys

@trappedinabay The saga continues! If you do end up Facetiming, prepare some talking points ahead of time that you can glance at. That way you won't get tongue-tied or lose focus. Above all else, keep an even keel--don't react if she gives you a guilt trip. It will drive her nuts.

trappedinabay

@SarahP Man, I need to practice that. My usual MO is to just clam up, shoot daggers from my eyes, and escape the situation ASAP.

supernintendochalmers

@trappedinabay Ugh, this sounds awful! The two-week timeout is ridiculous. Please know that we are all rooting for you. You've already gone through the hard part of telling her no, so if she pushes back I would just say, "I'm sorry, but I've told you my decision and I'm done discussing this issue." Hopefully she is contacting you because she's come around to a compromise, but one never knows.

trappedinabay

@trappedinabay I also kinda maybe feel like she's doing this on purpose so she can visually size me up? As in, see exactly how fat I am at this current junction in time? She's very into hiking and marathons and extreme sports, and I'm very into movie marathons and extreme napping.

Is that crazy? Am I thinking too much about it?

trappedinabay

@Emmanuelle Cunt Maybe I should push back on the Facetime thing and just agree to a phone call. I think I could handle a phone call.

bitchycrosstownexpress

@trappedinabay Write down exactly what you need to hear from her if you were going to agree to be in the wedding. (is she sorry? is she now aware that she put you in a horrible position? has she picked out a different dress?) I have done this with horribly uncomfortable breakup conversations in order to keep myself from being swayed by someone sobbing "but I LOVE you." And on the other side, I once did hear everything I needed, I changed my mind, and I have not regretted it.

Of course, if you don't want to be in the wedding under any circumstances (and I totally wouldn't blame you at this point), write I WISH YOU THE BEST BUT NO, I'M NOT CHANGING MY MIND and tape it where you can see it and she can't.

Judith Slutler

@trappedinabay It sounds like she's getting into your head a little, sure.

Just keep in mind that it doesn't matter what your body looks like or how much she is secretly judging you. This is an attempt at controlling you on her part, she might just as well try to drag you in for a teeth bleaching or insist you dye your hair a different color, if you were a size 2. Really this isn't about how fat you are, it's about the fact that she is a jerk.

edit: Also yes you are within your rights to say "Hey just give me a call instead."

supernintendochalmers

@trappedinabay Yeah, Facetime would make me really uncomfortable. You don't have to do anything you don't want to!!!

frenz.lo

@trappedinabay Yeesh. I am so sorry that this is still happening. I don't understand why she can't find something else to obsess about and leave you alone.

Scandyhoovian

@trappedinabay Ughhh. Don't do anything you aren't comfortable doing! "I don't want to do it over facetime" is perfectly OK. See if she can do a phone call, if that's better. And honestly, you don't even have to do that. If you don't want to talk to her, just say, "I'm not ready to talk to you about this," and don't back down.

And of course, what bitchycrosstownexpress said about being in the party. If you absolutely do not want to be a part of the wedding then absolutely do not agree to it, no matter how much she tries to manipulate and guilt you. Write it down in many places that you can see and don't back down. Stand your ground! We are here for you!

parallel-lines

@Emmanuelle Cunt It is obscene and NOT OKAY to ask someone to spend six hundred dollars on a dress. Six hundred dollars is a weekend vacation. Six hundred dollars is a couch. Six hundred dollars is a round trip flight in the continental US. It is a lot of money.

Just call her and say you're flattered but it's not in the budget right now. If she doesn't understand, she's out of her mind.

Linette

@trappedinabay

1. I would like to second everything @bitchycrosstownexpress said, especially having your list in front you while you make the call. It will make you feel so much more in control of the situation.

2. Adding my voice to everyone else's to say you are doing The Right Thing For You, and that is THE Right Thing for you to do. She may disagree but that is because she wants you to agree that she is the center of the universe, and she is only the center of her universe. You are the center of yours.

raised amongst catalogs

@trappedinabay I think SHE should schedule a Skype/Facetime session with US, while you do something more worthwhile with your time!

stonefruit

@raised amongst catalogs Excellent idea! Oh hey, @trappedinabay's FSIL, I'm available all weekend and I have Thoughts and Feelings on this subject, SO COME AT ME.

trappedinabay

@raised amongst catalogs HOW GREAT WOULD THAT BE. Man. We could sell tickets!

TheLetterL

@trappedinabay Good luck with this. I like all of the suggestions to write things down ahead of time. If it devolves into emotional manipulation or other nonsense, you could try the broken record tactic: "I see that you're upset about this, but it isn't possible....I see that you're upset about this, but it isn't possible....I see that you're upset about this, but it isn't possible."

raised amongst catalogs

@trappedinabay I'm picturing a big group of us, much like the Brady Bunch intro, or Hollywood Squares.

JanieS

@trappedinabay Seriously, this woman sounds awful, and I would not agree to any sort of attempted-guilt-trip-Skype session.

RK Fire

@raised amongst catalogs Hahahaha the worst Google Whatever-that-multi-people-Facetime-thing-is time for this FSIL..

vunder

@trappedinabay Hey, did she ever offer to pay for the custom dress? Would you wear that shit/be in the party if she did?

PistolPackinMama

@trappedinabay She doesn't give up, does she? I'd Skype and turn off the video/ dim out my monitor.

Ugh, but you can doooooooooo iiiiiiiiiit. Stick to your guns!

miss buenos aires

@trappedinabay Chiming in late to ask if this ended up happening...

trappedinabay

@miss buenos aires and everybody else -- I agreed to a phone call, and it went surprisingly well. She apologized for how horribly everything has gone so far and said that it's incredibly important to both her and my brother that I be in the wedding party.

She suggested two solutions: she and bro will pay for the insane custom dress if I'm willing to go have it made, or we can pick a different dress for me and her sister (the MOH) so that the family members in the bridal party are wearing different dresses than the friends.

So...whew! Crisis somewhat averted? I'm not opposed to being in the wedding party, but I'm not sure which option I prefer yet. I know she prefers the custom dress route, but they made it clear that it's my choice and they'll comply with what I decide. I want to shop around a little for a potential alternate dress to see what's out there.

So pinners...if you were to select a complementary dress to this one in "morning sky", what would you pick? I think instead of trying to match that cornflower blue color, it would clash less if I picked a deliberately different, but coordinating, blue. I'm just not sure what that would look like!

FWIW, I'm a W18 or about a 1X in most styles.

Bloodrocuted

@trappedinabay I can't help with the dress aspect, but I wanted to say it's great that there is a resolution. You are very gracious to forgive her.

Edit: Sorry, I'm useless! I have felt emotionally invested in your dress situation and I'm glad for you.

Bloodrocuted

Also, that dress is pretty and versatile.

TheLetterL

@trappedinabay I'm so happy the phone call went well! Sounds like your future sister-in-law has totally come around. Both solutions she offered sound perfectly reasonable. Good for her/them...and good for you for having stood your ground.

If you go with an alternate dress for you and the MoH, I think you're definitely onto something about not trying to match. I can't see the original dress, but I do like the "horizon" one. I'd suggest starting by sticking to the same length dress with a tonal variation in color.

If they're willing to shell out for the custom one, that also seems like an option. I'm assuming it would save the MoH from having to start over with fittings.

I guess I would base my choice on what you know about your brother and sister in law. Did she sound genuine in the phone call about leaving the choice up to you, or do you think either of them is the type to bring up later? You know the type I mean, the ones to act accommodating in the moment but then spend every family gathering making comments about "that time I paid $600 because you didn't like the dress I picked." (This type will often twist reality into an issue of YOU not liking the dress and YOU being the difficult one until SHE had to compromise because SHE is a good person)

raised amongst catalogs

@trappedinabay I'm glad it was not a disastrous conversation and that she seems to realize that other people have feelings! That dress is so pretty, too. You can add a wrap and be warm, and it looks like it would be a good choice for a long day of standing, sitting, eating and dancing.

shahzaib1@twitter

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mattewmc

These women danced in New York's Tompkins Square Park as a pink radio blasted "Nobody But You" by South Korean band Wonder Girls. Nobody wore gloves or hats. They were building heat.@t

Linette

I have four different Big Potential Things in my work environment, and I really need one of them to happen, like, yesterday. I would like everyone to join me in nudging the universe a little bit because seriously, Universe, I am broke and theoretically that should not have to be the case.

Small guilt side-note: I feel I have done a lot to make these things happen but maybe not everything I could do? I should maybe stop nudging fate and continue to shake the money tree. But nudge anyway, okay, guys?

yrouttasight

@Linette Consider the universe nudged on your behalf. I had a bit of a work-related freak out last week, so I feel your anxiety.

Linette

@yrouttasight One of these things is the opportunity to ghostwrite a book about the state of education in the U.S., and I cannot tell you how much I would love to work on this.

Barry Grant

@Linette

Nudging.

Esther C. Werdiger

For anyone else having winter struggles, last night I went to the Russian Bathhouse in the East Village to hang out in the saunas for a while and it was GREAT. We should have a 'pinup there.

planforamiracle

@Esther C. Werdiger wow, colour me jeally!

Cat named Virtute

@Esther C. Werdiger That sounds AMAZING. I don't think they have those in my city, so I'll probably just hang out in my bathtub a lot with a glass of bourbon. That's good too, right?

She was a retail whore

@Esther C. Werdiger I would do this. I've always been interested in those, but I'd want my first visit to be with somebody else.

Esther C. Werdiger

@She was a retail whore
I went with a friend! We were both first timers. And after, we went for soup and pierogis. Make a night of it!

Esther C. Werdiger

@Cat named Virtute Bourbon + bath sounds wonderful.

SarahP

@Cat named Virtute Your comment makes me want to do that right now.

Edith Zimmerman

@Esther C. Werdiger Wait, let's do that!!!

Esther C. Werdiger

@Edith Zimmerman YES!

sarah girl

@Esther C. Werdiger If anyone's in the DC area, Spa World in Centreville is a great option! I love it sooooo muuuuch.

khaleesi

So glad for this week to be over. How was everyone else's?

I was super excited for this week as some of you may know, I recently moved from the UK to NY and have had a hard time settling in at my new office. I was back visiting my old office this week and really looking forward to seeing my old colleagues and being back for our annual knees up.

Well one of the colleagues I'm closest to basically got very drunk and berated me for asking her about a new job opportunity that had come up for her and I'd said was a great opportunity and I was really pleased for her. Apparently my asking questions was taken as my hounding her when she clearly didn't want to talk about it. Despite the fact I wouldn't have even known about the new job if she hadn't told me. I hadn't been spoken to like that in a long time by someone I considered a friend and walked away in tears and effectively ruined the night for me.

She hasn't apologised or acknowledged what happened and has just been really nice to me since then so I think she's trying to make up for it. It'll be hard to get over though.

Hope everyone else had a better week!

trappedinabay

@khaleesi So she yelled at you for inquiring about something that she'd told you about?? That makes no sense whatsoever. Why do you think she's so defensive about her new job? Is it something sordid? Does she see it as a step down in her career? The mind boggles.

khaleesi

@trappedinabay Pretty much, yeah! Its a new position within our company and she hasn't accepted yet as doesn't know the full package. But apparently by talking quietly with her in the office after she told me, when nobody else was around, I made it completely obvious that she had been indiscreet and told me.

And then when she expressed reservations about taking the position, and I asked what exactly her reservations were, that was hounding.

Ugh I know she was drunk which is why it doesn't make sense really but it still hurt y'know?

paper bag princess

@khaleesi I'm not trying to excuse her behavior, but I can sort of see where she's coming from. I've been job searching for a while, and I really hate talking about it with other people because even when they are trying to be helpful I interpret it as hounding. And on the other hand, whenever something comes up that I think THIS COULD BE IT I get really excited and want to tell everyone about it, and then I regret it when I have to tell everyone it didn't work out.

I guess my point is, it's probably nothing personal and just an expression of her internal conflicts. Sometimes big stuff like jobs can turn regular people into weird ragemonsters for no good reason. But that's not a good reason for her to yell at you. Maybe you could give her an opportunity to apologize, and say that you understand she's in a stressful situation but the way she spoke to you made you feel bad.

khaleesi

@lizzle Yeah I guess I see your point. I think my confusion was pretty much 'You told me. How can you get mad at me for talking to you about it, when I wouldn't have even known if you hadn't told me??"

Your advice about bringing it up with her is good, I just deal with these things in a very unhealthy way by suppressing it and pretending it didn't happen, but just not been as close to her as before. I will stop asking her about it though as obviously don't want her to feel like I am hounding her.

silverscreen

Oooh, finally I'm in time for an OT. Kia ora! Are there any other NZ 'Pinners out there?

whateverlolawants

@keaton Not me, but I met a really hot NZ guy today and just wanted to throw that out there. Your accents!

silverscreen

@whateverlolawants
Urgh, I'm not a big fan of my native accent ... the times when I hear it I cringe a bit. But hey, I'm glad if others find it cute!

Porn Peddler

MISTER GOT A JOBBBBBB AGAIN

So. much. relief.

EpWs

@Porn Peddler DOES IT INVOLVE PLAID YES/NO?

Cat named Virtute

@Porn Peddler Yayyyyy Mister! Yay you!

Porn Peddler

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher He showed up to his interview yesterday wearing some ridiculously sexy plaid and I'm fairly sure that landed him the job. (He recently had an interview the specified he should dress "business casual" and I immediately resigned himself to not getting that position.) The job is as a saw operator at a company that makes cranes!

PistolPackinMama

@Porn Peddler I was hoping it was a kiltmakers!

Porn Peddler

@PistolPackinMama That would be fantastic. He's not scottish though :(

He does have an enormous red beard so...I mean...nobody would question it. Do Irish men wear kilts? Mister is Irish!

When I told roomie he got a job at a place that makes cranes, she said she imagined Mister and lots of other tall, dirty men on a production line gently and carefully folding paper cranes...

supernintendochalmers

I had a question re: fun hair colors, as discussed earlier in the week! Can employers fire you for having pink hair? And would you be able to get unemployment and pursue all your dreams? Asking for a friend...

trappedinabay

@supernintendochalmers Some employers do have dress codes! If your ::cough cough:: friend's employer is large enough to have an HR department, they'll have the official dress code as well as info on what happens if you violate it.

Cawendaw

@supernintendochalmers Yes, but they can't fire you for asking if you'll get fired for having pink hair. E-mail your supervisor!

Mandalas

@supernintendochalmers I dyed my hair pink last night. It looks fab and is all glowy and awesome! I hope it's ok with your work because everyone should have this hair color once or twice.

frigwiggin

@supernintendochalmers I have direct experience with this! It depends on your workplace, obviously, but I work at a university, and about a year and a half ago I asked permission to dye my hair pink, got the OK, dyed it, and then had the permission rescinded a week later. (The VP said okay but then made my supervisor tell me that he hated it and was just so disgusted by it, all the while being nicey-nice to my face.) They didn't fire me, but he did heavily insinuate that they would have to put me somewhere else if I refused to dye it back to brown. (At the time I worked at the front desk of the building and greeted everybody.) He got fired about a year ago, though, and now I'm free to wear whatever color I want because everyone else DGAF.

all the bacon and eggs

@supernintendochalmers Yes, they can. In addition to finding out whether it is technically against the rules, I would consider whether pink hair will fit in at your office, and ask someone you trust at work whether he/she thinks it would be a mistake.

blueblazes

@supernintendochalmers Go through the HR manual if you've got one. Everywhere I've worked got really specific on tattoos, piercings and hair color. Probably because I am in the media/internet/creative business, but at a FIRM instead of a STARTUP. You know?

supernintendochalmers

@frigwiggin Ooh, I think I might remember you mentioning this on a previous open thread? Glad you got to rock your pink hair!

area@twitter

I am so tired I just want to lay my head down on my keyboard and go to sleep. Eff this cold.

So...given that (a) I sound and feel like a frog that's swallowed gravel, (b) all the higher-ups are out of the office, and (c) it's started snowing, how soon can I give in and go home?

trappedinabay

@area@twitter 4 o'clock Fridays! They're totally a Thing.

area@twitter

@trappedinabay Coworkers are starting to pack up, so I think I'm out of here in a few too. I got stuck in a rush hour storm two years ago and ended up stuck on the highway for 10 hours. Not an experience I'm eager to repeat.
Thanks! Best of luck with the bridesmaid craziness!

terrific

All my new years resolutions failed and I'm sad. I can't stick with anything for more than three days. The only two things I've succeeded at are (1) making my bed every day (THANK YOU JOLIE KERR) and (2) saving money. Anything to do with fitness / eating healthier I totally totally fail at instantly. Help!?

Linette

@terrific One thing at a time, for sure. Whenever I try to do twelve big changes at once they all fail. Science says this is because we have a finite amount of willpower? As defined by "making yourself do something you are not in the habit of doing."

So: pick one thing. You have already successfully done several things! Which is fantastic. Give yourself points for the things you have already done. That's important. Then pick ONE new thing and make it The Most Important Thing You Do for a couple of weeks, which will turn it into a new Habitual Thing You Do, and will not require so much mental effort to achieve.

Then you can try moving on to a new thing. Suggestion: if your new thing is too hard or if it makes you stop doing Previous Thing, it is probably not yet time to move on to New Thing. Keep doing Previous Thing for awhile longer so it feels more solid. I hope that helps!

Ooh, and P.S. - I have this habit of thinking that if I don't do the Thing in the timeframe I laid out, I have failed at That Thing. Since you're talking about New Year's Resolutions, maybe you are also doing this? If you are, just remember the day you start doesn't matter at all: it's the number of days In a Row you are doing the thing. You made your bed every day for how many days? You win.

SarahP

@terrific Have you tried setting smaller goals? One of the reasons I never do new year's resolutions is because of how guilty I make myself feel if I mess them up. But if I decide "I won't drink for the month or February" or "No more refined grains until next week," the stakes feel much smaller.

I read somewhere once that your body/brain takes two weeks to adjust to lifestyle changes; can you shoot for two weeks of whatever it is you want to do? If at the end of two weeks it was exhausting, you can stop for a couple weeks (or forever), but if it turns out you get used to it, see how long you can go!

Quinn A@twitter

@terrific Don't look at it as instant failure, look at it as the start of the process. Like, I'm trying to quit picking at my skin, but I have dermatillomania, so it's going to be hard. So for right now, I'm just leaving the cystic stuff alone but still picking at anything that won't leave giant scars on my face. So maybe you could just start trying new fitness classes once a week rather than committing to one thing you're not sure you'll like, or trying one new healthy recipe a week, and then just build on your foundation.

Cat named Virtute

@terrific Two successful resolutions is such a good start! Change can be hard, and it's tricky to throw to many things at yourself at once. I say congratulate yourself on the stuff you've managed so far, keep them up, and save a few things for Spring Resolutions (why not! Who needs a new calender year for some positive change. Plus personally I find it much easier to get outside and eat healthy things when it is nice outside and fresh food comes back into season).

OhMarie

@terrific I think you are doing great! I cannot handle more than one resolution at a time. Maybe start with where you are and add new ones one at a time once they actually start to feel like habits rather than resolutions?

lavender gooms

@terrific The hardest part for me to overcome is the spiral of "well, I ate like shit today so fuck it I can't do this and I'm just going to eat crappy forever."

It's okay to give in to temptation, to eat a restaurant meal that you can't track, go overboard with the crackers, etc. Just keep getting back on the horse as much as you can and concentrate on the next opportunity instead of letting the last one throw you off your game completely.

planforamiracle

@terrific It's OK. You're doing fine!

One of my favourite sayings is, "Habits are first cobwebs, then cables." It helps me remember that these things take time...

terrific

All of these are great! Note that bed-making and saving money are the only things I have achieved, habit-wise, in my LIFE! I tried a modified "just add one new habit a week!" thing but I think I pushed myself too hard and totally burned out when I failed at thing #2.

Linette

@terrific It is so easy to think that you have somehow failed at the system. I hate that feeling. You haven't failed! Just try another way. It's like if you tried to do a push-up but were holding your hands in a position that hurt you. You didn't fail at push-ups; you just needed to adjust your hands. No problem.

Ladies Who Punch

@terrific I have been trying to get better about excersizing/losing weight for sometime. I've been using the LoseIt App & I find tht it really helps. It also helps lots if you have "friends" on it to cheer you on. If you'd like to be my friend I would really, really like that! My email addy to find me is iknowrebekah at gmail.

The same goes for anyone out there for other "pinners. I'd love to have some rad ladies to be buds with. Find me & let's cheer each other into better habits.

Diana

@terrific

I took notes from a friend of mine who is REALLY good about resolutions and goals. They recommended setting aside a specific time each week (like, 15 minutes on Sunday afternoon) to review your goals each week. It lets you evaluate your process and make sure the methods you're using to achieve your goals are actually useful, but it ALSO helps wipe clean the slate of the last week - kind of like going to confession! That helps keep you from spiraling into despair if you have an off week. I set up a tumblr to track all my goals (see here: year of miracles) and while I didn't check in last week because it was terrible (whoops) it's really helpful to a) hold myself accountable but also b) remind myself that it's a journey, and just take it week by week!

chnellociraptor

I'm currently zipping through the Ontario countryside on a midday train to Ottawa. Plans: clubbing with dinosaurs at the Museum of Nature tonight, Rocky Horror Show tomorrow, skating, karaoke, many many many drinks, hopefully poutine. Last week was crummy, so I'm overdue for some fun.

Any Ottawans out on the canal this weekend?

trappedinabay

@chnellociraptor I'm not in Ottowa, but I totally want to crash your weekend. That sounds amazing.

planforamiracle

@trappedinabay Ottawa native here! I live in Toronto now but try to return during canal season for a skate. Have the best time and don't forget to bundle up :)

The Lady of Shalott

@chnellociraptor I am no longerin Ottawa but I miss it terribly. Go ice skating at night! (It's more fun, and also, less children to trip over.) Drink hot chocolate and eat beaver tails in skates while you're still all warm from skating. Go to the poutine stand near Barefax and the Dominion Tavern, near Kinki, it's only open at night but it is seriously the very best poutine.

chnellociraptor

@everyone Thanks, friend-os!

@The Lady of Shalott I went to Ottawa for school and since moving back to the GTA I've been super homesick for it. Can you believe I lived there for four years and still have yet to go skating on the canal? I have never been to this poutine place (though I love me some Dirty Dom) but I'll probably end up at the Elgin Street Diner and getting their ESD poutine. Is it just me or does poutine taste better the closer you are to Quebec?

The Lady of Shalott

@chnellociraptor I am a filthy heretic who actually never enjoyed ESD poutine as much as the poutine from Zak's. SHUN ME. But I miss few things as much as an ESD breakfast (Mexican omelette or their generic breakfast. Holla!)

chnellociraptor

@The Lady of Shalott There is no shame in enjoying Zak's poutine. Or Zak's anything.

Kira-Lynn@twitter

@chnellociraptor I live in Ottawa! I can't skate though!

Kira-Lynn@twitter

@The Lady of Shalott I love ESD and I don't even really like their poutine. My cousins work there and I work above it!

The Lady of Shalott

@Kira-Lynn@twitter How long have your cousins worked there? Because I had a standing weekly date there a couple years ago and got to know pretty much every waiter who worked there.

Kira-Lynn@twitter

@The Lady of Shalott a few years? Arthur & Shawn. Most of the staff there are amazing people!

shahzaib1@twitter

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just reading in a boat no big deal

Hairpinners, will one (or more, or some) of you be a kind soul and help me learn to Sleep Right?

whatever the opposite of tl;dr is, will follow below:

just reading in a boat no big deal

@just reading in a boat no big deal

Un-tl;dr : Like most people, I have a problem that has been with me for years and that I would really like to fix (or--dreaming big here--conquer!). I'm in my mid-20s and for the last 10 years, I haven't really been able to Get Sleep Right.

(I have had "wrong" sleep in all its permutations, oversleeping, undersleeping, staying up to avoid life, sleeping in to avoid life, working to exhaustion and needing lots of uninterrupted sleep to make up for it, having too much free time to worry and thus never falling asleep. In the end, I gave up and settled into an uneasy balance of accepting that I would always be an Irregular Person and also hating that same fact.)

But I would like things to change! For many reasons. One of the major factors here is that disordered sleep can easily slip into hypomania for me, which means more disordered sleep later and the cycle repeats. Also, my boyfriend and I have recently moved in together. Staying over at someone's place three times a week is no match for living with them as far as showing how funny their sleep really is. Anyway, it has become a point of stress for me, and while Boyfriend wants to help, he's so close to the situation that I can't seem to let him.

The questions: Has any Hairpinner ever dealt with this? "Off" sleep for mental health or any other reasons? Very divergent sleep schedules from one's significant others that were somehow righted? All week I have been daydreaming about having a Sleep Buddy-type person who might be going through this same problem, and that I can talk to.

like a rabid squirrel

@just reading in a boat no big deal For me, the biggest changes I've made w/r/t sleep are these:
1) No caffeine after 3 PM
2) No screens at bedtime + the fl.ux plugin on my laptop (changes the screen light). I've been in sort of a funk lately and have broken this rule in order to fall asleep to TV, and I am definitely sleeping worse because of it.
3) Adjusting (with time - months, really) to sleeping with my boyfriend. For the first probably 6 months of our relationship I got terrible sleep when I slept over at his place, but eventually I just... Adjusted.

I haven't ever really had severe issues with sleep minus long stretches of not being able to sleep deeply/waking up in the middle of the night so YMMV, obviously.

StandardTuber

@just reading in a boat no big deal

Hi - former sleep tech here, and person with experience w/ insomnia. I would recommend that you talk to a doctor about this. There are SO MANY different things that can contribute to your problems; sensitivity to light, a serotonin issue in your body, a need for more or less exercise, dietary adjustments, etc.

So make an appointment to see your doctor, but while you wait for that appointment, here's an important thing to do, and it can be hard: Write everything you do down.

When you wake up, when you go to sleep; if you took a cat nap and for how long and what time of day; what did you eat for breakfast, lunch, snacks, dinner; what did you drink and how much (how many oz of water, caffeine, alcohol); did you take any vitamins; did you exercise and for how long; menstrual cycle is important, too, etc.

There are things that you can buy that will chart some of this stuff for you - here's one example, the Body Media FIT. Otherwise keep a notebook with you and put the data in an excel spreadsheet, or on graph paper if you're old school.

This information will help you realize any patterns in your life, and you can bring it to the doctor to discuss what you can do to make adjustments, or if there are some things you need help with.

Other questions for you: Have you tried melatonin before? Or have you tried to keep your sleep area "clean?"

Cat named Virtute

@just reading in a boat no big deal Oh man, I feel for you. Sleeping wrong for your body makes everything else SO HARD. I don't have disordered sleep, but I do have trouble with it when my depression is bad. To interrupt anxious brain cycles, I often fall asleep to soothing talk-y podcasts, usually This American Life, on a very low volume. I find it soothing, and either I fall asleep or I learn something new, but it's effective in getting me out of my own head.

My roommate, who is a chronic bad sleeper, swears by a Very Strict Regular Sleep Schedule (she goes to bed at 11 and gets up at 7:30 very consistently). Little rituals at bedtime, and minimal bright light are also good.

Sometimes a glass of red wine or a small (small!!) amount of pot right before bed help me, but you have to be really honest with yourself about the addictiveness of your personality and how often you're relying on them--good for when you really just need some solid sleep, but NOT an every night thing. Of course, ymmv, and if pot isn't your thing or makes you paranoid, this is not a suggestion for you.

fabel

@just reading in a boat no big deal I've been on kind of the opposite end of this, where my partner had absolutely terrible sleep habits & I spent all my time attempting to correct them?

My ex-boyfriend never had any kind of schedule--he'd stay up all night sometimes, & then I'd find him sleeping at like 11:45 a.m. & I was like, wtf. Or, he'd go to bed at 6 p.m. & then not be able to sleep through the night (which would result in the next day's schedule being fucked up, which would lead to the next day's schedule being fucked up, etc. etc.) Does this sound similar to what you're experiencing? Because, unfortunately! I was never really able to help him, unless I micromanaged his schedule like some kind of headmistress? (is your boyfriend up to that?)

My current dude also has kind of a fucked up schedule, in that when he's by himself (not with me) he'll stay up super late for no reason, then take "naps" in the middle of the night, complete with an alarm. So he'd wind up hitting the snooze button 92058128 times until he woke himself up at 5 a.m. I found this utterly confounding because wasn't he basically torturing himself? But I actually DID have success in "fixing" that habit of his, at least when he's sleeping over with me. He's now great about going to sleep when I go to sleep, sleeping through the night, waking up without difficulty at a decent hour in the morning.

Soooo sorry to be all ME ME ME (& talk about the men in my life as pets, but I don't know how to adjust my tone when we're talking about basic functions like sleep). But I never really have had trouble with normal sleep schedules, so I do often take on that "I'mma train you!" role when in a relationship with someone whose sleep habits I'm horrified by. My advice is pretty much what every article on GOOD SLEEP HYGIENE will tell you--- like, make sure to DECIDE to go to bed, don't just let yourself pass out. Brush your teeth, change out of your clothes, turn off the lights, get in bed. And then don't get out of bed. Do this at a similar time every night, even if you reaaaally want to stay up for some reason. You sound more like my ex-boyfriend with the whole repeated cycle thing, so it'll take a while to un-train yourself. I hope this helps in some kind of way?

SarcasticFringehead

@just reading in a boat no big deal One thing - don't worry too much about what your boyfriend thinks about it. I'm guessing you want to be courteous and do fun couple-y things like sleep in the same bed at the same time, but people with different sleep schedules make it work all the time. You should absolutely address the parts of this that bother YOU (and the advice upthread is great for that), but adjusting to different schedules is something almost every couple goes through when they move in together - there's nothing wrong with you for having a different one from him, as long as it works for you.

fabel

Oh, also--- try to start thinking of certain hours as BEDTIME hours. Like from 11 p.m to 7 a.m is Oh-fuck-I-should-be-in-bed-o'clock.This mentality will help you get to bed on time after a while, & it'll also help you not get OUT of bed if you're lying awake at 2 a.m (because you'll be like "oh hm, well, I'm not sleepy, but...it's 2 o'clock. Gotta stay in bed." You for-real just need to let the time dictate whether or not you're sleeping/trying to sleep.

StandardTuber

@fabel Hi, so I just wanted to say that actually there are conflicting opinions about lying awake in bed, when you're trying to sleep. For some people, like those with insomnia, that can actually contribute to the stressful feelings they have about sleeping. It might actually be better to get out of bed and go do some quiet activity, like reading with a small light on, or doing sit-ups or just looking out the window at the sky. It helps to quiet your mind and may make you feel sleepy, or at least it will help your body relax instead of feeling buggy about "why can't I sleep!"

bocadelperro

@just reading in a boat no big deal I have had intermittent bouts of insomnia for 13 years or so, since I was a teenager. A specialist I once saw told me that most people will wake up in the middle of the night for a while and not remember/be aware it, which was very comforting to me. It's a totally normal thing to have a messed up sleep cycle.

When I was younger, it was tied to bouts of anxiety. If this is the case, you may want to get help for that, and your sleep may get better.

Here are some things that have worked for me over the years:
-when you're awake in the middle of the night, get up and do whatever you would be doing if it was the day (other than eating/drinking). Start writing, doing the dishes, etc. Once I walked around my apartment for 30 minutes. (don't turn on overhead lights, though) You may find that you'll be tired enough from doing that to fall asleep afterwards

-Get regular aerobic excercise. This is the thing that helps me the most.

-I have a standing rule of no caffeine after 4pm.

-Sometimes I re-locate myself to the couch, and that change of scenery works wonders.

Neither of these things has ever stopped the sleeplessness entirely, but I've learned to deal with it.

I don't take sleeping pills because I'm afraid of developing a dependence on them, but they do help a lot of people.

fabel

@Mabissa I have heard that before too, & do think it's helpful/makes sense, but I pretty much excluded that out of personal bias? Basically: the people I've known with sleep issues will run (sometimes literally) with that advice, cancelling out any legit accuracy it has. If @just reading in a boat no big deal already lies awake anxiously, then yeah, I agree that getting up for a quiet activity might be the next step. I just feel like sometimes people will leap out of bed at the first sign they're not gonna fall asleep right away, which can lead to hours of non-quiet activity & then "Oh, how did it get to be 4 o'clock?"

(sorry, I have this inner sleep schedule control-freak in me)

planforamiracle

@just reading in a boat no big deal
Echoing the caffeine cutoff (find out what works for you.. for me it's 2pm, wah), the no-screens, and the flux computer colour-changey thing for evening computer use if necessary.

One thing I don't think has been mentioned yet, is making the room very very dark. Even though I do my sleeping while it's dark, and the window in my room faces north and has a tree outside it, hanging blackout drapes really improved the quality of my sleep.
Bonus: I enjoy dramatically opening them in the morning :)

Another thing you might try is meditation..

just reading in a boat no big deal

@like a rabid squirrel

i have a caffeine deadline, too, but it's not so early--but i'll try moving it up! it can't hurt.

and this fl.ux plug-in thing sounds like a great idea!! i really want to try it, too. i know for a fact being on my comp late at night makes me feel too "on" for some reason.

just reading in a boat no big deal

@Mabissa thanks for all your suggestions!

i have definitely talked to my psychiatrist about this before, but after we worked out my meds, we didn't really address it again in detail. i have to admit that i was also just embarrassed to say what a problem it continued to be.

other people i see for mental health things work on this with me, too, but a lot of times it gets crowded out by other, flashier problems so it goes on the backburner.

to that end, i actually did keep the kind of log you advise, really for almost a year, i think. it was pretty accurate, but in the end it didn't change much . . . ? i have ocd, and i think in the end it felt like a compulsion to keep the diary (though i'm wondering now if anything repetitive can sort of feel that way to me, whether good or bad--breakthrough!).

the one solid takeaway i got from that sleep log is that my "natural" sleep time is around 1:30 a.m. that is when i am sleepiest. if i get a second wind past that, i'm usually screwed. so i guess i should focus most on the hour, hour and a half before that for tweaking.

just reading in a boat no big deal

@Cat named Virtute i totally do this, as well! the This American Life trick has gotten me through many a long, sleepless night. i find that a lot of the more anxious nights, it really does help to hear ira's calm little voice.

just reading in a boat no big deal

@fabel yes! yes, sleep-wise, i am basically your ex-boyfriend. i have gone through very similar fucked-about schedules, and have frustrated my supportive partner. i think he is up for the headmaster role here, but any time we've tried anything even remotely close to some sort of "monitoring" or "checking in" thing i inevitably freak out, because it feels like he's my _dad_ and i hate it/the dynamic.

thank you for writing, though! weird as it is, even though your ex's problem didn't get "solved," i feel better knowing i'm not the only Sleep Odd Couple out there.

i'm also taking note of the phrase "sleep hygiene." that's amazing.

MollyculeTheory

@just reading in a boat no big deal This sounds really dumb, but as someone who has had insomnia issues on and off for a decade, something that has really helped me lately is an eye-mask and earplugs. It's not even so much getting rid of light or sound, I think it's my body getting Pavlovian about these very particular sensations (slight pressure on the eyelids, the crinkly foam sound) that signal "sleep time!" Also I tell myself "if you can't fall asleep in about 30 minutes you can get back up and read your book/have a glass of wine/finish your show" and having the option relieves the stress of "FALL ASLEEP FALL ASLEEP NOW."

laurel

@just reading in a boat no big deal

Have you ever tried valerian as a sleep aid? It tastes like ass but you can kind of hide it in an herbal tea or whathaveyou. It gives me really intense dreams but it does work. Maybe set an alarm for 10pm or so, make a cup of valerian tea and start your bedtime routine.

RNL
RNL

@just reading in a boat no big deal

Lots of good advice here. One more thing: if you MUST watch TV/computer in bed (like me, I know I shouldn't, but panic attacks), try out some ASMR videos. Check youtube. Weird, I know, but they are the one non-prescription thing that is almost guaranteed to put me to sleep, and they are a godsend.

Tropical Iceland

@just reading in a boat no big deal
I relate to this so much. There's nothing more frustrating than being told to just get good sleep when you know how hard that's going to be for you.

I work from 4 pm to 1 am. The upside is that I never have to get out of bed for work, the downside is that I'm typically up till 4 am. I also tend to wake up after a few hours of sleep and stay awake, because it's daytime, but then I need to nap right up until I leave for work. My boyfriend problem is that I'll stay up as late as he does most of the time, but when we're in bed he's out like a light in minutes and I hate lying awake next to someone who's sleeping. This has led to me falling asleep on the couch several times recently and getting in bed with him around 9 am.

The only thing that's really helped me has been Ativan. I have ADD, so a lot of times I'll be falling asleep when some other thought will rush into my head and wake me up again. The Ativan really helps quiet all those thoughts and shut my brain off. I ended up not renewing my prescription though because I didn't want to become dependent.

The best natural remedy I can offer is to go to bed earlier so you're not stressed about falling asleep in time. For some of us, getting eight hours really means being in bed for ten. I'm also a fan of quiet podcasts and reading something you're interested in before bed. They'll give you something calming to think about as you fall asleep. Think about what you've done whenever you HAVE had a good night's sleep that came easily.

I'm also remembering that if something's stressing me out, it helps to get up and do whatever I can to deal with it. If I can't do anything, there's no point in stressing and I let it go.

just reading in a boat no big deal

@SarcasticFringehead thank you for this! i think this is a good reminder. i always strive to be a courteous girlfriend, but right now, i know that going to bed at the same time as my boyfriend would mean spending hours staring straight up at the ceiling. which has never worked for regulating my sleep in the past.

i get so nervous about disrupting his sleep that somewhere along the line, i began to think his sleep > my sleep, instead of that he and i both have a right to sleep the way we like. (and i did remind him that some of this is just regular old two-people-joining-their-lives-together stuff.)

harebell

@just reading in a boat no big deal @fabel
My husband has a big sleep disorder, so a lot of this advice applies (we make the room completely dark & black at night, have as few electronic devices in the room as possible, he wears earplugs, we keep the bedroom door shut, etc.).
But we also work around each other. For the longest time, he slept in 2 segments -- one in bed with me, until 2:30 or 3am, and then a second segment on the couch in the living room where he could read until he fell asleep again. That is tiring and disjunctive as a habit, though, so right now he is working on staying in bed all night, and doing pretty well. He also falls asleep pretty suddenly fairly early at night, so I often keep reading with a small light in bed while he's asleep, and that's fine too. As the partner, I don't mind any of these things at all -- I know it's a struggle for him and I can visibly see how badly he feels when he doesn't get sleep, so the quirks don't bother me -- or if one does, I just speak up so we can tweak it. In fact, in some ways they make us closer (e.g. I am always being smooched in the middle of the night when he wakes up, if he is getting out of bed for good!). I bet your partner will feel similarly.

This is my new username

@just reading in a boat no big deal

My fiancee has pretty terrible sleep patterns, as well as some mental health issues. For the last few months he has been pretty good at keeping a regular schedule, although that has mostly been helped by taking sleeping pills. He does also use ear plugs and sometimes an eye mask as well which has also really helped him stay asleep which was one of his issues.

There was also a period of about 6 months where he was going to bed at like 6:00 am which is almost the time I am waking up on work days. That was a bit tough because we weren't getting the coupley bed time routine, but what he ended up doing was coming and snuggling with me for 10-15 minutes when I went to be, so we were at least having little bit sleepy couple time and then snuggles in the morning when actually came to bed.

shahzaib1@twitter

I did enjoy reading articles posted on this site. They are impressive and has a lot of useful information.

'Get Back Our Lover

tearsforaffairs

I only have a little over a month before I embark on my three-months travel adventure in South America and I'm driving myself nuts with trying to figure out what to pack! I am pretty good at packing light, but I've never fit everything into a backpack for this long of a trip. Plus, the weather in all the different cities I'm going to are all over the places--highs in the 90s to lows in the 40s, and sometimes rainy and sometimes not. It feels like I have so much to do but I mostly just want to be there already and figure it out from there.

Travel technology questions: I am definitely bringing my iPhone and Kindle with me, but I'm debating whether I should bring my laptop or iPad? I would maybe like to do some blogging or writing while I am there. I am less inclined to bring my laptop than my iPad, but maybe I should bring neither and live really minimally?

Also, does anyone have tips for places to visit in Colombia/Bolivia/Peru/Argentina? I'm not excited about beaches. I would like to ride some horses. I like ruins and cemeteries and churches and native culture and spotting llamas and other weird animals. I am trying to improve my Spanish--I have a decent grasp of the basics and expect I will be quick in picking it back up.

Help!

Judith Slutler

@tearsforaffairs Personally, I'd leave the electronics at home and bring a notebook. Looking after laptops on a trip like that just sounds like a pain to me.

Also one thing to definitely pack is detergent for handwashing your clothes, plus lightweight wool, silk, and synthetic garments that will dry quickly. That can really cut down on the amount of clothes you need to bring!

districter

@tearsforaffairs I don't have good advice on bringing electronics since I have never traveled for that long, but my boyfriend just bought a case for his iPad that is also a stand / keyboard, which would atleast make your iPad a better writing device?

whateverlolawants

@tearsforaffairs I have not backpacked like that, but I did live in Ecuador for 6 months, and my laptop was such a great thing to have. But I was in one place the whole time and had a job. If those places are like Ecuador, there will be internet cafes even in the small towns. I guess it just depends how much interneting/writing/Skyping you want to do and when and where. I'd probably bring the iPad if it were me, but there's good reasons not to as well.

As far as clothes, Quito has a pretty mild climate that usually demanded I dress in layers. It sounds like you'd do well with lots of basic Ts/blouses and a couple of cardigans, plus a thick fleece or waterproof jacket. If you have comfy shoes, just bring two or three pairs. I brought 5 pairs and only wore three regularly. If I was a backpacker I'd probably take two pairs and possibly sandals for hotels.

I haven't been to the countries you mentioned, but if you end up in Ecuador, I will talk your ear off about things to do and know.

whateverlolawants

@tearsforaffairs Also! A hat and sunscreen if you are the least bit susceptible to that. The sun is stronger where you're going, I'm pretty sure. In Quito the UV index was 2-3x that of my friend's Canadian hometown, she told me. I'm a pale redhead, so I needed 100 SPF pretty much every day. No joke. Wearing hats was fun, anyway, and cut down on the time I needed to spend on my hair.

hellomynameis

@tearsforaffairs just traveled to colombia for 10 days in the fall! cartagena is a great old city, and you can climb on top of the wall (but it's realllly hot). i also really liked medellin. you can take a day trip to guatape and climb a big rock and hang out in a quaint, colorful town. i know you said no beaches, but how about tayrona national park, which is a beautiful beach/jungle where you can hike and ride horses.

paper bag princess

@tearsforaffairs I wouldn't worry too much about packing clothes -- you can buy new things / leave behind old ones as you go, relatively cheaply. I'd definitely pack lightly because it's easier to add than subtract.

But if you wear contacts, bring enough solution for the whole time because that is way more expensive there.

khaleesi

@trappedinabay Ugh, I've been following your updates and this whole situation just blows. I also avoid confrontation like a mofo so if the call got uncomfortable, I would just pretend my internet connection dropped :/

Best advice I can give really is to stand your ground, you've already told them how you feel which I think is the hardest part. Maybe she's calling as she's willing to compromise?

Heat Signature

My five year-old son has a school dance tonight (well, it's for parents and the kids, not really a dance dance), and I'm expecting hilarity to ensue. Also, he wants a faux-hawk so that'll be happening.

EpWs

@Heat Signature If you tell us you're putting him in a sweatervest I will die. TINY SWEATERVESTS.

Heat Signature

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher No, he's too cool for sweater vests...He's wearing a long-sleeved t-shirt with a short-sleeve button down plaid shirt and khakis (!). Oh, and also light-up shark sneakers, because obviously.

stonefruit

@Heat Signature I want to like this ten frillion times. YOUR SON SOUNDS ADORABLE, IMMA EAT HIM UPPPPP.

EpWs

@Heat Signature YESSSSSS

Bittersweet

@Heat Signature Photos? Pleeeeeeeeeze? We all want to die from the cuteness.

yrouttasight

Alright, an update from my professional woes of last week:

It turns out the meeting with my boss, the partners of the company, and the HR person was because we are hiring a new person in one of our other offices. My boss happens to head up the department we are hiring in. No biggie. I'm kind of glad I felt that anxiety, because it pushed me to get more involved with the department I want to (eventually) be promoted to. I did some work I'm really proud of this week, and I was even recognized for it! Lesson learned- I'm not going to lull myself in to the monotony of my current position anymore. I'm going to try to get involved in projects I find more professionally satisfying, and hopefully it will pay off.

trappedinabay

@yrouttasight Phew!! That's a relief. Also, yay you! Way to kick some ass and take some names.

Jinxie

@yrouttasight Yay! So glad everything worked out alright AND with just a wee arse-kicking to nudge you in a better/more productive direction at work. Now you get to relax and enjoy a (hopefully) worry-free weekend.

Quinn A@twitter

I got engaged on Tuesday! Here is the post my fiancée wrote about it: http://totesradbro.blogspot.ca/2013/01/my-significant-otter.html It was a great proposal. Very "us". :D

Emby

@Quinn A@twitter Congrats!!!!!!

Emby

@Quinn A@twitter And aww that is a very sweet story :)

EpWs

@Quinn A@twitter CONGRATULATIONS HOW WONDERFUL

SarahP

@Quinn A@twitter CONGRATULATIONS!!! I almost cried when I read that proposal story--you two are so great together!

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@Quinn A@twitter Yesssss! Yay you! This is great.

katiemcgillicuddy

@Quinn A@twitter THAT IS AWESOME, CONGRATS.

ImASadGiraffe

@Quinn A@twitter Congratulations! Love the story!

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@Quinn A@twitter OK AND NOW I JUST READ THE POST AND AM SO HAPPY IT HURTS GO YOU

smidge

@Quinn A@twitter Awww! Congrats!

Cawendaw

@Quinn A@twitter THE PUPPET! DEAR GOD THE PUPPET! AND THE PUNS! I HAVE NO COHERENT REACTION BECAUSE IT'S TOO ADORABLE!
Also, congratulations! And thank you for sharing your fiancee's story!

whateverlolawants

@Quinn A@twitter Aaaaah! That's a cute story. You two are adorable. Congrats!

EpWs

Guys, I am having a freakout because I overstretched myself with being in a/involved with a variety of friends' weddings.
THANKFULLY people have been talking me down (hi, LoS!) and I feel better, but I need some help.

Mainly, give me your best chocolate and vanilla cake frosting recipes (not too sweet, please!) and/or give me diplomatic things to say about bridesmaids dresses.

VolcanoMouse

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Wait, frosting for chocolate or vanilla cake, or frosting that is chocolate or vanilla itself?

Because I need an excuse to promote this boiled flour frosting: http://obsessedwithbaking.blogspot.com/2009/02/flour-frosting.html It sounds disgusting, but it's like a lighter, fluffier, less-cloyingly-sweet version of cream cheese frosting, and it's amazing on chocolate cake. I have nearly gotten into fistfights over its superiority.

TheclaAndTheSeals

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Like how to be diplomatic if you hate it? Or just general dress diplomacy?

EpWs

@VolcanoMouse I am making both chocolate cake and vanilla cake, so YES. I am intrigued by this frosting recipe. (And I'm looking for both chocolate and vanilla frosting recipes.)

@theclaAndTheSeals Yes. Generally. Just nice things to say that aren't I WILL TOTALLY WEAR THAT AGAIN, YES, and also maybe diplomatic ways of saying "It's a little out of my price range [for a dress I will never wear again]"? Trying to get some things ready in case because I'm a little on edge and don't want to go off because of a dress that's not worth going off over. (Too many prepositions.)

SarahP

@VolcanoMouse I have never heard of flour frosting! I will have to give this a try!

VolcanoMouse

@SarahP If you ever get a chance to use it on red velvet cake (mmm, cocoa + food coloring!), dooo it. My 82-year-old grandmother and I were bonding over how that is The Only Correct Frosting.

TheJacqueline

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher I always just said "You know, I'm not sure that will look flattering on everyone. It's a rough silhouette to pull off." because as long as your friend isn't a total bridezilla she will want her bridesmaids to look and feel good, plus you will then look magnanimous and concerned. Also it's probably not even going to be a lie because most dresses labeled "bridesmaid" are gross. :(

Elsajeni

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Honestly, if the main problem with a dress is that it's too expensive, I think "It's a little out of my price range" is probably the best way you're gonna find to express that. (That is totally diplomatic! Especially if you're able to start with something like "It's cute, but...")

SarahP

@VolcanoMouse GASP I thought cream cheese frosting was the only correct one for red velvet! I will have to try both to find out.

TheclaAndTheSeals

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher

TL;DR to follow, but having been on both sides of the bridesmaid dress shopping, I have some thoughts.

I’d bring up any concerns about price ahead of time since that could determine what stores/brands are looked at. Something like, “Hey, you know I love you and am super excited you’re getting married. My only request is that we try to keep the dress price below $XXX. My finances are spread thin right now since I’m in several weddings, and I’m trying to be realistic about what I can afford.” Any half-sane, half-nice person will hear that as the very reasonable request it is, and try to honor it.

If you like a proposed dress, say specifically what it is that you like about it. That way, even if this isn’t the dress that’s chosen, you’re more likely to get a dress that includes elements you like.

If you really dislike a proposed dress, word your criticism around how fits with other wedding elements. If you say it’s ugly, you’re insulting your friend’s taste. More diplomatic and effective: “This dress’ style/vibe seems pretty different from the overall wedding style, which seems more relaxed/sophisticated/modern/vintage.” If your body is really different from your friend’s, you might need to point out how different styles are/aren’t flattering.

Good luck!

TheLetterL

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher If your friends know that you're in concurrent weddings (you saint, you), they will probably be okay if you murmur something about a price range. Do you have a feeling things will veer toward spendy, or just comparatively spendy for a one-time dress?

If it's comparatively spendy, you might need to figure out a firm "suck it up" number...as in, you will "suck it up" if the dress is hideous and below {x} dollars (because the bride is your friend and you love her), but above that, you will speak up.

Does anyone have opinions on when and how to talk price range on these things? Because spelling it out ahead of time seems like it could be gauche, but letting the bride fall in love with a dress before speaking up also seems terrible.

Edit: @TheclaandtheSeals I like this! Good answer, good answer

TheclaAndTheSeals

@TheLetterL Aw, thanks!

I think the bride should initiate price discussions. It takes the pressure off. I emailed my bridesmaids individually and said, "Hey, I've been looking at dresses online, and so far the ones I like seem to fall in this price range. Does that sound doable? Please let me know if that sounds high; I've been stuck with a too expensive bridesmaid dress before, and it's no fun."

If that discussion doesn't happen, I think there are two possible routes. The first is your "suck it up" number, which is a good policy if you're budget-aware but semi-flexible. If you have a hard-and-fast number you must stay under, and that number is under $200, you should bring it up ahead of time. There are tons of good options under $200, but bridal boutiques don't carry many of them. It's totally fair to ask your friend the bride to look at big box bridal stores, department stores, online retailers, whatever, but give her a heads up before she wastes time at bridal shops. (And when you're coming up with your number, remember that alterations can hit $50+ if you need more than hemming.)

EpWs

@Elsajeni @TheclaAndTheSeals @TheLetterL You ladies are all smart. This is why I ask things in FOT. Will take all of this under consideration! Thank you thank you!

KatieBarTheDoor

Is there a good, temporary hair color anyone can recommend? Like, wash-out temporary? I've been keeping my once-blonde hair light with highlights ever since it started going darker (by which I mean the most boring shade of, like, faded cardboard), so I've basically been blonde forever, and I might be getting tired of it. I'd like to know what I look like as a nice, deep brunette without making a permanent commitment. Advice?

yrouttasight

@KatieBarTheDoor faded cardboard is a really great descriptor- I haven't seen my natural hair color in over a decade, but I imagine it is also along those color lines.

Natural Instincts washes out in about a month. Is that too permanent for you?

KatieBarTheDoor

@yrouttasight I was thinking more like a week, but a month is doable if I can work up the nerve.

Kira-Lynn@twitter

@KatieBarTheDoor I don't think there is a way to keep your hair really from being affected my brown dye, but try a wig?

meetapossum

Two things:

I’m now 85% sure that my boss is looking for a new job. I’m hoping at my annual review (when I will hopefully have the courage to ask for a raise) that she’ll admit this to me so I can tell her that I’ve been looking for a new job for almost 2 years and can finally use her as a reference.

American Horror Story finale! Let’s talk about it!

TheLetterL

@meetapossum First, good luck with your job situation. Yes, let us talk American Horror Story finale!!! I was a little happy with it (JUDE!) and a little let down by it. I just wanted one big sensical explanation for everything.

meetapossum

@TheLetterL (Oddly, right after I posted that I got an e-mail about an interview for next week. Woo!)

Yes! So happy with the Jude and Kit part, so a little meh on the Lana part. I mean, why was she taking care of Kit when he was dying? What happened to his wife? Or is that another one of her imaginary narratives?

TheLetterL

@meetapossum (Congrats!)

The Kit/Jude stuff was very satisfying, although I didn't want there to be aliens. This season was glorious, but it also had a lot of balls that I felt were dropped. What was the point to Arden, the Raspers, or Sr. Mary Eunice?

I didn't miiiind the Lana stuff, although I guess I was just happy to get closure on one of the plotlines.

What do you think was the significance of the last "if you look into the face of evil" scene?

meetapossum

@TheLetterL Yeah, I was definitely "Ugh, aliens" through most of the season, but I kind of liked them a little bit for some reason. Are the Raspers the mutant people? (I didn't mind much the demise of Mary Eunice, either, because I'm also turned off by demons in my horror films. But I think the point of Arden [and by proxy, Eunice] was to add more horrors to the eventually downfall of the Monsignor.)

I took the line as the (sane) inmates become a reflection or part of the evils that were either inflicted on them or by them. Or, I guess, just a description of reflections and mimicking that went on throughout the series.

TheLetterL

@meetapossum Yes, the Raspers were Arden's creations. I guess I would have been more okay with the aliens if we didn't have so much else going on. At least the aliens acted according to the same parameters all season and there was no final alien-related deus ex machina to wrap up everything a little too neatly.

I felt cheated by the possession plot-line because nothing happened after Mary Eunice died. It should have followed that the devil entered someone else as she died, so I was just waiting to find out which character had actually been possessed for the last few episodes.

I'm not a fan of demons, either...at least not when done like that poor kid in episode two. But Devil Mary Eunice was so deliciously evil. I loved it. All credit to Lily Rabe for that one.

I took the final scene along the same lines as you did. I'd seen people suggest that it could have meant that it was all in Lana's imagination. While it would explain the crazypantsness of the season, it would be a total copout.

I also liked that the final scene asked the question "What if Lana had never come back?" Evil happened because she came back, but evil would have happened if she stayed away.

planforamiracle

this weekend I have decided to learn from the last two weekends' friction with my fella, and make plans with friends to give my weekend more structure. I've been in 9-5 world for almost 6 months but can't seem to get used to the schedule, and as a result my weekends have been manic chores-partying-intimacy times, that leave me burnt out and blue. trying to reverse that trend starting tonight!

coolallison

@planforamiracle I read this and thought that I could have just as easily written it. I even use the word fella to describe my, well, fella.

When you figure it all out, let me know. I'm perpetually tired and that fella sure does seem to know how to get on my nerves lately.

planforamiracle

@coolallison I think the problem, for us, is that we'd spend Friday night trying to put on a brave face and do something fun in the evening, then staying up late/drinking too much, and then spend most or all of Saturday together doing not very much. Then spending that night together too.. and by bedtime we're starting to bristle at each other. Never mind Sunday.

I thought the solution would be making more plans together, instead of just cocooning/bumming, but we are too tired. So, this weekend I decided to go ahead and make my own plans with my friends and alone (like deciding in advance when I want to have my alone time!) and then I'll see him when I see him. The downside is that we haven't been very good about making time for each other during the week, which is I think why we end up bingeing on each other on the weekends. So this might backfire and make me not get to see much of him, which will make me miss him more. At the same time, we're pretty good about connecting every day (yay iphone picture messaging!)

I try to remember that I can't be good to anyone else unless I'm good to myself first. I'm a better companion when I'm well-rested and would rather tend to those needs in peace. This turned into sort of a novel, but remind me next open thread and I'll report back about how it went!

Kira-Lynn@twitter

@planforamiracle Oh I so relate to this!!

Emby

A story I wrote is BLOWING UP and CAUSING CONTROVERSY among the small-ish demographic of scientists to which it pertains. And that always scares the ever-loving hell out of me, because even though I consider myself to be a good writer, anytime someone actually pays attention to anything I say, I start getting really nervous about whether I quoted my sources accurately or represented their views truthfully, etc. etc. It's a bit nerve-wracking.

rimy

@Emby What is it about?

Linette

@Emby So much sympathy. I cannot stand to have anything I write under scrutiny. It only works if it's going to people whose opinions do not matter to me. And if I wrote about something that also doesn't matter to me.

Writing about something that matters to you is incredibly brave, and while I have nothing to offer for your anxiety about it, I do have a lot of admiration for your bravery. Will that do?

Emby

@rimy Chemists! Specifically, the job market for them! And even more specifically, an academic report about the job market for chemists!

Emby

@Linette It will, thank you :)

churlishgreen

@Emby this feeling = my professional life. It's unpleasant, but I like to think that it helps to keep me on my toes. If you're that worried, it probably means that you care a lot about accuracy and put the effort in in the first place.

She was a retail whore

Any NYC Sister Hazel fans in the area? I just found out about their New York show tonight at B.B. King's. I think I'm going anyway, but I'd love to have company.

KatieBarTheDoor

@She was a retail whore Aw, they're from my hometown. Have fun if you go!

She was a retail whore

@KatieBarTheDoor It's that or drinking with the NYC pinners. Gotta admit, I've seen Ken and the boys a bunch of times, but I've yet to make it to a Pinup.

KatieBarTheDoor

@She was a retail whore Yeah, I'd Pinup too. Sorry, Ken.

Plant Fire

@She was a retail whore COME TO THE PINUP IT WILL BE AMAZING

She was a retail whore

@Sea Ermine YOUR USE OF CAPS HAS CONVINCED ME. See you in a couple of hours!

Plant Fire

@She was a retail whore YES! I am heading there now!

Reginal T. Squirge

Hey assholes,

Portland Hairpin Book Club is THIS SUNDAY (and every last Sunday) at Liberty Glass at 4PM. We're discussing Doctor Zhivago because it's FUCKING COLD OUTSIDE.

Also, a bunch of us are watching the movie at my place (promise I won't kill you) tomorrow. Let me know if you want to come.

*whipsering because this isn't information for everyone but we're cool so I'll tell you* If you haven't read the book, you can still come to book club and we will be super nice to you. Everybody at this thing is really nice and it's not just a social hour. We actually discuss the book. AND if you come you can suggest the next book and/or vote on the next book. Just some extra information. Do what you will.

BosomBuddy

My parents just sent me my old NES, which arrived three days ago. It's been killing me all week that I've only been able to commit 1-2 hours a night of playing Zelda. Finally, the weekend is here so that I can do this full time.

katiemcgillicuddy

@BosomBuddy Sweet, Zelda was awesome. Enjoy playtime. Quick sidebar: There is this game I've been trying to remember the name of forfuckingever that was for NES. It was like, Captain Airhawk, or something like that, I can't find it online. Do you or anyone else have any idea what I'm talking about?

BosomBuddy

@katiemcgillicuddy No, I have no idea - sorry!

Kira-Lynn@twitter

@BosomBuddy I recently re-played old gold NES Zelda. It is my fucking favourite thing!!!

BosomBuddy

@katiemcgillicuddy Do you mean Captain Skyhawk? I only ask because I just ran across it in a used game store.

katiemcgillicuddy

@BosomBuddy Sweet fancy baby jesus, THATS IT, THANK YOU. I knew I was close, but it wasn't a very popular game so repeatedly googling "captain airhawk" gave me nothin.

BosomBuddy

@katiemcgillicuddy You're welcome!

TheclaAndTheSeals

Pinners! How did you know it was time to leave your last job?

planforamiracle

@TheclaAndTheSeals I found myself in the "lucky" situation where my contract was ending and I opted not to try to have it renewed. The reasons were that my work culture was becoming more toxic and showed no signs of improving. My job was ill-defined and I kept getting shit for not hitting those moving targets.
OH and the other reason I knew it was time to leave was that I had a pretty good chance at another job lined up. Happily.. I got it.
But, knowing nothing about your situation, I'm gonna go with Cheryl Strayed's advice that in a job, much like a relationship, wanting to leave is enough. You don't have to quit immediately, of course, but maybe start making an exit strategy.

bitchycrosstownexpress

@TheclaAndTheSeals Probably at the point my boss got escorted out by security. (True story.)

To be more serious, I am actually really bad at that. Case in point, there's a slight possibility I might be able to move into a new position being created at my current job, but I've also being applying to jobs elsewhere. My boyfriend had to stop me last night at dinner when I started into "it's going to be really bad if they create this job and I have already taken another position," with "it's going to be bad FOR THEM. It will be great for you, because you'll have a new job."

So I'd say when you are at the point that you feel that you have nothing left to learn and no (concrete) opportunities to grow in your current position, you should start looking around.

coolallison

@TheclaAndTheSeals Well, I've been a bit of a job hopper due to extreme unhappiness with my chosen career path, BUT, my Dad always told me that when you are no longer learning at a job, that is when it is time to leave.

My experiences have been more along the lines of, when I start wishing for a car crash to keep me away for a few weeks, that's probably time to move on.

TheJacqueline

@TheclaAndTheSeals When every time your boss e-mails you you flip off the screen/swear/say I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT

(this may or may not be me, now)

OhMarie

@TheclaAndTheSeals Oh, I am just now thinking about it! My job is my first out of college and I have been there for a little over 6 years. They have been good to me and I like the people I work with but I feel like our product isn't the best and I could be doing more/more interesting stuff/potentially making more money.

BUT! What I have now is a known quantity, and the lazy part of me just wants to not do anything. What if a new job sucks?!?

frenz.lo

@TheclaAndTheSeals Ha, earlier I posted complaining about my current job, but! My last main job before the one I have now, I realized it was time to leave by asking myself what would have to change for me to be happy there, and whether that would be likely to happen even if we made those big sales my boss was always convinced was right around the corner. I realized that a ton of things would have to change, and very few of those changes were likely to happen.

raised amongst catalogs

@TheclaAndTheSeals Every time the phone rang, I first sighed heavily -- then rolled my eyes -- then answered the phone.

evil melis

some of us are in the middle of SECRET PLANS even as we speak

evil melis

some of us are tired, and miss you people

wee_ramekin

@evil melis Some of us miss you too. A lot.

area@twitter

@TheclaAndTheSeals When I hadn't learned anything new in a while (a year or so), and the requirements of the job weren't letting me develop any new skills. That's when I started keeping an eye out for positions that would go more in the direction I wanted. Changed jobs back in October and I'm really liking my new place and coworkers (though I miss the old coworkers, too).
Basically it felt like I was trying to grow and my job wouldn't let me.

supernintendochalmers

@TheJacqueline Oh God, so much this right now. I'm glad it's not just me!

Bittersweet

@TheclaAndTheSeals I knew it was time to leave my last job about 3 months before I got laid off. I had a Plan B in place already, but I made them lay me off to get the sweet sweet severance package. I figured they owed me that after 9 years...

SarahP

Having Monday off was AMAZING; I was so productive with a variety of life stuff and it made me feel all caught up for the week.

Then I woke up on Tuesday thinking it was Thursday, so they rest of the week dragged, but still, having all my errands done ahead of time was awwwwesome.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

CHICAGO
I just want to advertise that we're going bowling on February 28, and there's also a book club. Click on the 'Hairpin Meetups' button at the top of this page to get connected!

Cawendaw

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll Is the International Pinup in Chicaaaagooo still happening this summer? Not that I can actually go this year, I just want it to still be happening so it can be a huge success that can be repeated at an indefinite future date when I will be able to go.

redheaded&crazy

@Cawendaw sorry to say I'm no longer organizing a chicago pincushion ... I still think the international pincushion is a great idea though, maybe somebody else will take it on!

weebleswobble

I thought I was ethnicity X, and just recently found out that I'm a completely different ethnicity. Not really sure how to process this--Should I try to learn more about this other culture or just ignore it because ethnicity doesn't really matter anyway? And what about if someone asks me what I am (ugh, that question!)--do I explain the culture I was raised in or my blood ethnicity? So far I haven't told anyone because it just seems too weird.

Judith Slutler

@weebleswobble Were you adopted by your family? Wow that sounds like kind of a difficult thing to wrap your mind around.

Reginal T. Squirge

"You mean I'm gonna stay this color?"

oboe-d-amore

@weebleswobble If someone asks you about it, 1)you don't have to tell them! and 2) maybe something like "I'm pretty much X, but I'm exploring my Y heritage"? I don't know, it's completely what you're comfortable with.

MilesofMountains

@weebleswobble My view is that ethnicity is far more about your experiences and worldview than anything intrinsic or related to your blood quantum. For me, that means that I basically consider myself "white" even though one of my parents is not. For you, that might mean considering yourself to be ethnicity X if that's how you were raised and experienced the world for most of your life.

Plant Fire

@weebleswobble I would go with the one you identify with. I say this because one of my parents is hispanic and one is white. Culturally, I identify more with the hispanic side so when people ask I say that but I also always remember that I am white because that's how I look to most people and so that's how most people treat me (until they find out and then need to make shitty comments about me being Colombian). I think I have it easier because being hispanic can also mean being white or indigena or black or mestizo or whatever because we are all rainbowy and shit because of how latin america was colonized but I think the same can apply to you. So go with what feels right and ignore people who ask you what you are because that's rude (you are a person).

Bloodrocuted

@weebleswobble I think you should learn about it! I don't actually think there is a link between biological race and social culture. However, something appealing to you from the culture of the race you are may make you feel more comfortable with your genes. Food, holidays, clothes, or even climate?
As for me, I'm never Nordic. Until it snows. Then, from a soft-stepping human, I become an ice giant who into the snowflakes vanishes, to chase the winter storm across the world. (By that I mean I don't fall down on the ice, but I am really superior about it.)
Good luck to you. If you feel comfortable, you should tell us more about it, whatever you choose.

Kira-Lynn@twitter

@weebleswobble I'm super post-modernist and think these things "don't matter", but also I know that live experiences do matter and give us feelings... I would say to remember that you can answer people's questions however you want. People change genders! It's 2013. That might not help your confusion, but at the very least try to dismiss worrying about OTHERS.

SarahP

OH and a reminder to NEW ENGLAND PEOPLE WHO LIKE GAMES: come to Templecon next weekend! It's a great time and a very welcoming atmosphere. My friends and I run the board gaming room, so stop in and say hi! (And play games with me!)

rimy

We are still talking about meal-planning over here at The Billfold Meal-Planning Google Group if you want to stop by! Feel free to blather on about whatever you're cooking/up to in the kitchen/etc. I just realized writing little posts over there is relieving my need to talk about grocery budgeting to the point of exhaustion (of my audience, usually my boyfriend), so it's useful! If you do that! Anyway come post if you want. /plug

planforamiracle

@rimy Oh man! I'm gonna make my way over there when I get home. I really need some enticing lunch ideas.. I made 3 salad lunches in tupperwares on Sunday night, and by the time Wednesday rolled around, I threw the 3rd one in the garbage (something I almost never do!) and bought a hamburger. Oy.

VolcanoMouse

I am going to heave this serger through a closed window if it does not start working properly. Ever have one of those weeks where every machine you touch seizes up and dies?

Haha, "labor saving devices." This is day two of trying to get this piece of junk functioning. God forbid I have to print something today-- the resulting explosion would probably incinerate the block.

crango

@VolcanoMouse Ugh, this is my life with computers! I have a horrific death touch that's doomed just about every computer I come into contact with. The worst was the mandatory digital media class I had to take my freshman year of college. We were doing something in photoshop, I followed directions exactly, and then the screen went BLACK. This happened to the three other computers I switched to. The professor even watched me do it and couldn't figure out what was going wrong.

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

I am a little hungover at work because I drank my sadness last night due to news that my dad's lymphoma prognosis wasn't looking good as far as treatment options, but then I woke up this morning to a message from my mom that the latest bone marrow pull showed almost zero cancer in his bones after the most-recent chemo combo! Huzzah! It ended up being a good Friday indeed!

katiemcgillicuddy

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose That is so great, dude, super happy for you. All the best to you and your family. :)

Quinn A@twitter

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose Yay!

districter

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose So great to hear good news about things like this!!

churlishgreen

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose So glad to hear this excellent news!

smidge

YOU GUYS. I need advice but it's not super serious. I'm going out for a girlfriend's birthday tonight for a fancy dinner and drinks, and we're supposed to be in cocktail attire. Am I breaking some kind of ladycode if I don't wear a dress? I don't have anything that will work exactly (I have some dresses that would work kind of) and besides, it's cold as shit here.

Linette

@smidge Katherine Hepburn it up with some dress pants and a silky shirt and maybe some long fake pearls to emphasize you are Being Classy. WASPy accent optional, but hilarious.

planforamiracle

@smidge I think you could get away with fancy trousers. Or even dressy/dark jean type pants, with a fancy top/blazer/statement necklace...

par_parenthese

@smidge Do you own tux pants, perchance? Tux pants+feminine top+heels = cocktail appropriate and hella sexy. Dress pants will work but tux pants definitely turn up the evening-ness of the ensemble.

Marquise de Morville

@smidge Where will the party be? I've worn pants over tights under my dress before and boot. I changed at the destination into dress shoes and bagged up pants and boots. Works pretty ok if the restaurant is fancy enough for a coat check. I like to dress up and do not like being cold. But again, pants should be totally fine, it is important that you feel comfortable.

smidge

@par_parenthese No tux pants, but I was planning on wearing nice black ones+ feminine top+ awesome shoes. I just don't want to be that jerk who didn't follow instructions, you know?

oboe-d-amore

@smidge As long as your top is on the "very" side of dressy, you're fine!

smidge

@smidge Updated to add: I wore the shortest dress in my closet, and tights. Things worked out.

Cat named Virtute

The weather is bonkers cold and snowy, so I am hiding at home with some writing projects, a bottle of bourbon, a pile of New Yorkers, Orangette's red lentil soup (on my god, guys, I added some smoked paprika and it made it INCREDIBLE), and my roommate's cat.

I am NOT letting myself about this week's Dear Polly column and what it says about my self-worth. NOPE, I AM NOT.

Judith Slutler

@Cat named Virtute Gah, tell me about it. I've been sick lately and not getting my work done, and that column made me feel really awful even if I'm not in That Place anymore. My boyfriend keeps telling me it is ok to take a couple days off, but I always feel like letting up on myself at all is just going to result in giving up and getting really depressed again.

On the plus side we also had a good talk about how when I tell him "I'm not doing so well" it really isn't helpful for him to demand more details and make me try to explain exactly what's going on. So there's that.

supernintendochalmers

@Cat named Virtute That sounds amazing. Smoked paprika makes everything better!

Cat named Virtute

@Emmanuelle Cunt Hugs. I hope you're feeling better soon. That balance between giving yourself some peace and maintaining the momentum of staying on top of your shit is so, so hard.

@supernintendochalmers Recipe here! http://orangette.blogspot.ca/2010/09/quiet-soup.html I nixed the cilantro because the grocery didn't have any, upped all the spices, and used about a teaspoon of smoked paprika. Soooo tasty.

raised amongst catalogs

@Cat named Virtute Smoked paprika in veggie soups is so perfect. Have you ever made the split pea soup recipe from 101cookbooks.com? The smoked paprika gives the most uncanny sense that there's ham in the soup but there is NOT.

rimy

@Cat named Virtute That column hit me in a vulnerable spot as well - it's ok, though, just be and do and you can do it!

rimy

Also my boyfriend is FED UP with his crappy job (as he should be, it is a soul-sucking place to work) and is thinking of moving into the arena of freelance Spanish-English translating plus freelance ghostwriting. Does anyone have any experience with this or advice? Boyfriend has done some movie script ghostwriting before and was good at banging out a script on a deadline. But what about translating services? How does one scramble up business?

katiemcgillicuddy

@rimy One of my best buddies does this from time to time for various consulates, etc, in DC, and little brother teaches English in Spain, I have messaged them both and will let you know if they give me any good info!

rimy

@katiemcgillicuddy That would be so great, thank you!

Faintly Macabre

@rimy A Spanish artist friend of mine does freelance translation for social services as a side job in my home city. I don't know how much she makes/how many hours she does, but it seems she gets pretty steady work. He might want to look on the website of various public services (courts, hospitals, etc) and/or contact them and see how they hire people. I'm pretty sure that legally, all social services and info are supposed to be available in people's native languages if they don't speak English, so technically there should be a widespread need (though the reality is very different, obviously).

muggles

@rimy My company uses elance.com for any brief translation requirements that pop up... I'm not sure what it's like for the translators but everyone we've used has been great (and it may be a good start to pick up some odd jobs here and there).

katiemcgillicuddy

@rimy Brother is still not responding, but buddy says part of how he got his gigs was lucking out through his dad, but! He said check out the State Dept. website and different NGO's/think tanks, (and he seconds everyone's suggestion of hospitals, courts, etc.) they've panned out really well for him, nepotism aside. Good luck, I'll letcha know if little brother gives me any good tips.

Flora Poste

@rimy I work for a translation company that uses a lot of freelance translators, and they basically come to us with a CV, we vet their first 10 or so jobs pretty heavily, and all being well add them to our roster. The good ones get A LOT of work from us, but it is a very specific field, and they have to have postgraduate science quals as well. I definitely would recommend researching translation services first, as most large companies will have one that they use regularly, instead of looking for an untried, untested freelancer every time.

OhMyGoshYouGuys

SUGGESTIONS, PLEASE!
I'm starting to look for a dress to wear to a late spring/early summer wedding. I know, it's still January. But I can't help but notice most dresses I see online are either suuuuuper short or those weird mullet dresses that are short in front/long in back. I just want something in a pretty color that hits right above the knee and that's relatively inexpensive. Where do Pinners look for dresses online?

EpWs

@OhMyGoshYouGuys What's your budget range?
edit: everything at Loft is 50% off right now GO GO GO

VolcanoMouse

@OhMyGoshYouGuys Have you given eShakti.com a shot? They're pretty reasonable at about $70/dress (plus I think there are some coupons for first-time customers?) They'll customize the length and size for you, too. The material isn't astounding quality, but it's pretty good for the price!

EngNaturalBeauty@twitter

@OhMyGoshYouGuys ModCloth and polyvore are my starting off points

professionalmess

@OhMyGoshYouGuys An opportunity to state my love for eshakti! I love that place. They have a lot of cute dresses, and they carry all the sizes, and you can get the clothes customized, so it can be made longer or shorter or whatever. And they are usually somewhat reasonable prices.

OhMyGoshYouGuys

@VolcanoMouse @professionalmess I like the eshakti dresses I've seen, but their website is really frustrating. I'll have to check them out a little more. I like the option to customize.

lookuplookup

@professionalmess I'm glad to hear such good things about eshakti! I've been considering splurging & getting a couple of work wardrobe basics from them. I'm *this close* & basically just need to goad someone into taking my measurements for me.

OhMyGoshYouGuys

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Under $100. Yesssss, I got a Loft e-mail today, but do you think I can make a decision in under 24 hours? Maybe tonight.

EpWs

@OhMyGoshYouGuys This sounds like a job for FRIDAY OPEN THREAD. Also, a good time to investigate Loft's return policies. Let us know if you need help decision making!

professionalmess

@lookuplookup Since I hate to only give one side, here is the negative thing I will say about them: It takes a long time to get your stuff. I can't remember exactly how long (maybe 3 weeks?), but I actually was worried that my neighbors took it or the FedEx guy threw it out or something.

bitchycrosstownexpress

@OhMyGoshYouGuys I bought this dress at Anthropologie last Saturday for a wedding the next day. It is gorgeous and made me feel glamorous without making me feel too exposed.

EpWs

@bitchycrosstownexpress I'm not sure that link went where you wanted it to go, but it sure as hell went somewhere AWESOME. (But now I want to see the dress too!)

bitchycrosstownexpress

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Oh wow, heh that was the last link I sent my boyfriend. The problems of being a PC person working on a Mac. THIS is the dress.

pajamaralls

@OhMyGoshYouGuys Surprisingly, Lands' End.

My friend got married a couple of years ago and was doing everything on the cheap. I needed a summer-y white dress and being plus-sized I needed one that wasn't matronly. I ended up getting one that wrapped/crossed in the bust area and was A-line. Many compliments. $70

raised amongst catalogs

@bitchycrosstownexpress That's one heckuva pretty dress. Looks so comfortable, too!

bitchycrosstownexpress

@raised amongst catalogs Thank you! It was -- I always appreciate a fancy dress that does not make me stress out about whether or not my bra is showing.

chrysopoeia

NEW YORK PINUP

Just a reminder we're meeting at Hi-Fi on Avenue A at 6 pm tonight! I'll be in a black dress with a ridiculous orange necklace, holding signs and nametags. Yay!

terrific

@chrysopoeia I am going to come! Putting this here so I don't think but I am so tiiiiired after work and bail. Which is 50% likely to happen.

Pizzahut

Planning a trip to St. Louis in early June. Any recommendations for food/activities besides the City Museum, Botanical Gardens, and the Chocolate Bar?

par_parenthese

@Pizzahut This place!! http://www.thelondontearoom.com/

Weasley

OH MAN. SO MUCH STUFF

First, my pin pal, seven months after I sent a letter and heard nothing, finally got back to me and it was so exciting! Seriously, if you haven't written your pin pal and think it's too late now it isn't. Write him or her. It will be awesome.

Second, I have a promising post graduation job lead at a university that I wanted to apply to grad school and then decided to hold of on applying to grad school but a couple of the profs still want to hire me to do stuff for them! I only got to wallow in pre post graduation blues for a couple of days.

Bloodrocuted

@Weasley Congratulations! Grad school is certainly not something to rush into.

katiemcgillicuddy

Hey you guys! Hope things are good for everyone. SO. I got new glasses this week because driving at night was becoming impossible, and wow, it's so nice being able to see! Ha ha, I am a dumbass. Anyway, so I was making stupid "old lady" jokes about me and my new specs and then I got home and the AARP had sent me a preliminary membership card. I AM 28, AARP, BUT THANKS.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@katiemcgillicuddy
My former roommate was 30-ish and had an AARP membership for hotel discounts! Apparently it totally worked?

Also, C. has to drive at night now, so maybe I need glasses, too.

raised amongst catalogs

@katiemcgillicuddy Yeah, I turned 35 in September and got the card from AARP in the mail that same day. I called immediately and jokingly chewed out the poor schlep who answered.

highfivesforall

@katiemcgillicuddy Ha, that is some good timing. I also need to get glasses eventually, but I don't drive very often at all, and that is the time when my poor eyesight manifests, and so I keep putting it off. I do think I would look great in glasses, though.

katiemcgillicuddy

@highfivesforall Get the glasses, mine are kind of freaking adorable and I love them. And wow, being able to see, I really didn't even realize how bad my sight had gotten until I went in for the check-up. I got 2 pairs at For Eyes (I am not a compensated spokesperson) for 200 bucks, and it would have only been 100 had I not gotten the anti-glare stuff. Good deal.

katiemcgillicuddy

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll See, I was thinking maybe I could pull this off, but if you take the time to read it you can see it's not a full-blown card. But I am thinking I will take a shot at the movies.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@katiemcgillicuddy
I've been looking for a new haircut, too, and I was watching 'The Mindy Project' Christmas party episode and I thought, "I could totally do her sports lawyer boyfriend's look, with the spiky hair and the glasses!" but then **SPOILER** he turns out to be a real jerk. Too bad, because that would have been a good look for me.

EngNaturalBeauty@twitter

I'm having ALL the feelings this week. I'm leaving the NYC area to move to Atlanta for a new job next week. As excited as I am, I'm leaving my boyfriend behind cause he still has a semester (maybe 2) of school to finish. I was just wondering what are the realistic odds of a 22 and 24 year old in long distance relationship?

Weasley

@EngNaturalBeauty@twitter

My philosophy is very much that you will be in a long distance relationship for the right person. There aren't really odds to calculate.

EngNaturalBeauty@twitter

@Weasley thanks, part of me understands that, but i'm such a pessimist. All i can think about is all the ways this won't work out plus the fact that I'm scared it won't work out. I know we love each other very much, but sometimes love isn't always enough.

Judith Slutler

@EngNaturalBeauty@twitter Aw. I made the same decision in 2011 except that we have no fixed date when the LTR will be over and we're a bit older. Basically I think it's important for you to accept that maybe it will work out and maybe it won't, but the only way to find out is to try.

khaleesi

@EngNaturalBeauty@twitter My boyfriend and I started our LDR when I was 22 and he was 24, so exact same ages as you two. Two years later we're living together in our apartment. Not going to lie to you, its tough but if the relationship is right and he's the right guy for you then its so worth it.

supernintendochalmers

@EngNaturalBeauty@twitter I have friends who are doing an LDR in those cities who are about your ages. It seems to be going okay. LDRs are hard but the good thing about college is that there are a lot of breaks built in, which means longer visits are easier to plan. A year isn't that long if you have an end game.

miss buenos aires

Friend advice: a very old, dear friend has lately (last few years) gotten terrible at ever emailing me back, making plans, returning my calls, etc. Last year I decided to not initiate anything for a while and it took her six months to get in touch with me. She is the same person as ever when I see her, but it drives me up a wall that I have to put 90% of the effort into the friendship. A while ago I said, "You used to be really great about emails, and now you're pretty lousy," and she basically shrugged and unapologetically said, "Yeah." Obviously this isn't the worst thing to happen to anyone, but we used to be really close and now I have a constant feeling of frustration and anger when I think about her. How can I bring this up in a way that doesn't make me sound like I'm in eighth grade?

professionalmess

@miss buenos aires I feel like maybe I'm your friend. I am so terrible at keeping up with my friends when I'm not seeing in them fairly frequently. To come very slightly to her defense, one reason I rarely initiate conversations is that I feel awkward just to call/text/etc. just to talk, but I feel guilty to reach out because I want advice or something (probably because I haven't been doing it otherwise).

Maybe you can say something like "I hate that we only get to catch up and see each other every 6 months (or whatever). Can we set up a regular time to Skype/talk/get drinks?"

Scandyhoovian

@miss buenos aires Oh, I know that feeling! That happened to me with the person I called my best friend for literally half my life. It turns out we just weren't in the same place anymore, and I finally broke down and told her, "I really care about you, but I am tired of feeling like I'm the only one that puts any effort into this friendship, and it isn't working for me."

I mean, in the long run, what had happened is that we'd grown up trying to maintain the titles of "best friends" when we really weren't. We were still FRIENDS, but the burden of trying to maintain the level of friendship we'd had as teens/college kids when we weren't in that same place anymore was wearing us down. We weren't seeing each other as our adult selves, we were insisting on seeing ourselves as we'd always seen each other, if that makes sense. (Sorry, this is getting long)

I would say just bring it up to her however you feel best doing it. Don't worry about if it feels eighth-gradey, just be sure that everything you say is clear and genuine, and you don't want her to get defensive because then she won't hear what you are saying -- so maybe try and couch it as "our friendship," and "we" and not so much "you never do your part, I feel like I'm the only one that cares." And good luck! For me and my friend it was a bit sloppy, but after all the dust settled we're still friends, and the frustrated resentment is finally gone.

SarahP

@miss buenos aires I don't have advice for you, but I suspect some of my friends probably feel the same way about me, so I'm offering the other side of this. Over the past couple years, my life has ramped up with more volunteer stuff, longer commute time, more demanding work, etc, and I'm the kind of person who needs downtime to function. Carving out downtime in my week means foregoing phone calls, emails, and plans. Sometimes when I get really stressed, the idea of booking a friend hangout a couple weeks in advance stresses me out even more ("I'm booked up till NEXT MONTH?! And now I'm booking up next month too?!"). When I do have free time and see my friends, it's awesome, and I too am the same person as ever... but I can see how a person can be too busy/stressed to initiate hangouts.

I don't think there's much you can do to make it better... but I would try talking to her about it. The sentence you gave as an example make it sound like you were sort of riding her case a little, which may make the prospect of hanging out seem a little stressful? So maybe word it more about yourself than her. "I really miss how much we used to hang out! Is there anything I can do to make it easier for us to make plans?"

miss buenos aires

@SarahP I appreciate the view from the other side! I will say this: if she construes one comment about emails as "riding" her, after years of not answering emails, then I don't think we will be able to have a constructive conversation about this.

And, this is painful to say, but the magic of Facebook means that... I know that she makes plans with other people.

Linette

@miss buenos aires Horrible, sucky fact about this situation:

Sometimes your friend simply gets to the point where she decides that whatever she is doing with her time is more important than you are.

Which is AWFUL, because you are awesome and she should totally think you are just as important and in many cases more important than whatever she's doing. But . . . she doesn't. And you cannot change her mind about that.

Let her go. One of the reasons she may be unaware of how important you really are is that you're still making an active effort to be in her life. If you walk away and focus on what's important to you, she will start to miss you, and she will realize that the only way to get you back is to put in her own effort.

Alternatively, you may decide she's not as important as you thought, or she may continue to be of the opinion that you are less important than other things, and while both of these things aren't fun to admit, they might be true. And if they are true you should probably find out as soon as possible so you can move on.

That sounds depressing, so here is my not-at-all-depressing anecdote about this: I was one of those people who hung on for dear life and ultimately wound up pushing away people I loved (not suggesting you are one of these people, but the imbalance of effort was a thing). Of the six instances of me deciding to stop pursuing these people, FIVE of them reappeared within a year and made an active effort to be in my life because they missed me. And I now have great relationships with all these people that involve equal effort on both sides.

Basically: it can work out to walk away. It often does, because you were not friends with this person to begin with for no reason, and they were not friends with you for no reason.

Let her go. Focus on other things and people. Miss her sometimes. And know she's probably missing you, and will eventually, because presumably she does not want to be unhappy any more than you do, reach out to spend time with the friend she's been missing.

SarahP

@miss buenos aires That's true, one comment (that isn't even bad! I didn't mean to make it sound like you were mean) shouldn't make you a monster.

Oh nooooo that's an awful feeling! :/

roadtrips

@SarahP Yeah, this could be written about me. I'm in the same position as you are, with the added benefit that I have major anxiety about contacting people I haven't been in touch with for a while. It just turns into a spiral of anxiety and then I can't do anything about it. @miss buenos aires do you think that maybe your friend is going through something anxiety/depression inducing in her life right now? I know that at the moment, I am so busy with school and break-ups and finding a job, and family drama that seriously an entire year will go by and I won't realize that I haven't gotten in touch with someone.

Emma Peel

@miss buenos aires Oh no, Facebook is the worst for situations like this! Just try to remember that you usually don't see the whole story behind whatever the plans she had with other people were.

I think one-on-one friendships can be the hardest to maintain. I have a group of close friends I see constantly, because we're all close with every other person in the group and always mutually inviting each other to everything, and then other friends I care about just as much (if not more) who I see much less frequently because we have to make plans and not rely on other people to invite us both to something and throw us together. Sometimes we go six months without catching up, because I'm busy with people who are inviting me to things, and with travel, and sometimes it just slips as a priority.

I'd add that friendships ebb and flow, especially longtime friendships, as people get older; I think it's natural, but it can still be really tough. The year after I graduated from college, my longtime absolute bestie and I quit speaking for six months for no reason. We'd been playing phone tag, one of us didn't call the other back, we had no mutual friends so we weren't being thrown together, and then one of us kept on not calling the other back for SIX MONTHS, until she called me out of the blue and I was so delighted to hear from her. I felt so terrible for those six months that I was having guilt stress dreams.

Finally, try not to take it personally. I know it feels like a personal rejection, but it's almost definitely not about you.

khaleesi

@miss buenos aires I could have written this! It's really such a sucky feeling when you're putting in all the effort to see a friend when you actively see on flippin' Facebook and stuff that they're able to initiate plans with everyone but you.

I'm currently trying to do what Linette suggested of just walking away, letting them come back to me if they want to. Its pretty hard but there's only so long you can feel that your friends don't like you as much as you like them.

TheclaAndTheSeals

@miss buenos aires I've been in this situation before, and decided not to attempt to make plans two times in row. Basically, that I'd let her determine the pace of our interactions, but without talking about it. Now I see her... quarterly? I hate feelings talks, but I should've sucked it up and had one years ago.

In summary: You're not the only one dealing with this. Don't try my method; it sounds zen but really just leads to long term resentment.

miss buenos aires

@TheclaAndTheSeals Yeah, I did try this about a year ago. We didn't see each other for six months, until she took me out for my birthday. Which was nice!

I am definitely at the point where I feel I need to say something to her, but I don't want to come off as too angry or ready to end the friendship.

Complicating the matter (or simplifying it?): we are both pregnant, so in a few months neither of us will even be able to lead the good-time gal life of spontaneous dinners out or surprisingly cheap theater tickets.

up cubed

@miss buenos aires I've had a super hard time tracking down friends now that we're in our late 20s and not living in the same city.
My current plan is to call a different person each day as I'm leaving work to say hi. It is working ok, but I'd love other suggestions to make more frequent contact flow more smoothly.

lookuplookup

Ok, I have a bunch of junk:

I need a new bag. Like, small to medium size, preferably cross-body. Durable. Big enough for like, the stupid wristlet I keep my debit card in, one book or my eReader that I never use, and a few small things. I want something practical but not ugly & preferably something weatherproof. I don’t carry much with me & I don’t want to spend more than $50.

Ugh, this was a thing I was really dreading asking because it’s so stupid, but are there any podcasts that you listen to? I’m getting sick of listening to music at the gym but don’t want to bother with audiobooks.

ETA: And another thing! I think I’m going to grow my hair back because I miss ponytails but I am in in-between haircut awkward length hell. Is there any way I can make my hair look less stupid? I don’t think so, but maybe there is a secret haircut I don’t know about?

Anyone?

terrific

@lookuplookup I really like Julie Klausner's podcast How Was Your Week!

OhMyGoshYouGuys

@lookuplookup I asked for podcast suggestions in last week's open thread and got a ton of awesome suggestions. http://thehairpin.com/2013/01/friday-open-thread-52

lavender gooms

@lookuplookup I just got this bag. It might be a little bigger than you like, but it is roomy and can be worn cross body.

My only complaint is that the main pocket is divided into two, but the middle divider part has a lot of material so it gets mushed down and the two pockets become one most of the time. I have no idea if that makes any sense or not.

lisma

@lookuplookup http://www.etsy.com/listing/119255818/vintage-black-leather-coach-crossbody?ref=sr_gallery_2&sref=sr_e7f1936415f10436330713a8656c7e7efff3c52c9693ec9b5051210016953b8f_1359151317_14462332_coach&ga_search_query=coach+crossbody&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_ship_to=US&ga_ref=auto1&ga_search_type=all

mittens blum

@lookuplookup Fossil has a ton of adorable crossbody bags. They are also stupid expensive at regular prices, but if you stalk eBay/their outlet stores/department store sales sometimes they can be found for cheap.

lisma

@lookuplookup So, if you look up "Coach Crossbody Bag" on Etsy, there are so many bags within your price range. I have a lot of these older Coach purses and the leather holds up and ages really well. Added to which, they are all very low-key so will go with anything in your wardrobe.

parallel-lines

I think I'm suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder. Yeah, I'm reapplying to a bunch of programs I got rejected from last year, and yeah, I'm probably losing my job, and yeah, I'm in chronic pain from sciatica but you know, hey--it'd sure be nice to see the sun.

Do any of you guys have OTC lamps/stuff you can recommend? I'm bumming here.

SarahP

@parallel-lines Vitamin D! I feel like a Vitamin D pusher this time of the year, but it seriously helped lighten/shorten my annual February-March depression spell last year.

par_parenthese

@parallel-lines Vitamin D! And exercise if you can swing it with the sciatica. And plenty of water and sleep. And Melatonin if you're having a hard time sleeping.

parallel-lines

@par_parenthese Unfortunately I can barely walk with the sciatica--it's been so intolerable lately. I tried tui na and that made it worse!

thanks for the advice everyone, I'll hit GNC after work.

queenofbithynia

@parallel-lines oh my god, if you ever want to talk about sciatica, I am RIGHT HERE. If you got it from ruptured discs I am twice as right here. I can't even believe I wrote that, who wants to talk about sciatica?? but, I do.

parallel-lines

@queenofbithynia I DO. I am so miserable. I've been in pain for YEARS now. I used to be marathon runner and long distance biker and I had to quit both. Some days it's hard to walk up a hill.

Are you doing anything that works? I've heard good things about Alexander method and 8 Steps to a Pain Free Back (read through it, seems very intuitive). I have a desk job, which is horrible for this. Am looking at trying my third doctors and third PT in hope of relief (it took three docs to even get a diagnosis). I'm so frustrated right now. Mine is a pinched nerve from breaking my tailbone in a snowboarding accident in my early twenties. I'm so mad at myself for doing something that gave me such a nasty injury ten years later.

Some days I want to cry--I'm still young and I feel severely limited. I can't do the things I used to love doing. I've gained a ton of weight and am no longer athletic. It's wearing me down and breaking my heart.

queenofbithynia

@parallel-lines oh, fuck desk jobs. I pretty much stand up all the time now and I made my supervisor buy me a tall stool from Amazon but before that (and sometimes still) I had daily quasi-panic attacks over being physically trapped in this fucking place, ruining my health, knowing it, for nothing. For money, ok, but for nothing, and I can't quit.

I'm different in that walking around is the only thing that helps or feels nice & I pretty much have to walk to and from work (3 miles) to not be miserable all day -- I can't ride in cars or really sit down on most chairs for more than a few minutes -- I have a biweekly music lesson where I have to sit on a chair and hunch over for an hour, and it fucks me up for days afterwards every time. I haven't left my city in a full year because I'm terrified to get on a plane or a bus or anywhere I can't abort the process and just get out and go lie down. I feel like a prisoner. I am a prisoner! I was out on short-term disability last year for the full three months allowed & got some asshole to put steroids in my spine with a BIG FUCKING NEEDLE three times, and legally I could do the same this year but practically I can't possibly afford to, couldn't afford to last time either.

I have that Treat Your Own Back book on my Amazon list but haven't looked into very much because I am afraid that bending in any way will make my back snap like a twig again. was in physical therapy for a long while but I can't really apply anything I learned, because that was back before I got sent for an MRI and during the time everyone was assuring me I couldn't possibly have any disc issues and it was probably just muscle spasms, so they had me doing all these horrible bendy postures that I think led directly to the sciatic event, whatever you call it.

before then I was just in agonizing back pain but one morning I woke up and I thought I was dying, my leg was on fire, you know how it is -- I remember I lay on the floor screaming, I tried to call some medical help line and they told me I could go to the emergency room for a morphine shot but I couldn't move and I kept alternately screaming uncontrollably and trying to work out how I could call a taxi to take me to a hospital if I could neither stand up nor put on trousers. anyway that was my one and only experience with a full ten out of ten on the pain scale. incidentally, fuck the pain scale.

I feel kind of OK this month -- shooting pains in my left shin but pretty mild ones, not much else -- but I don't trust it and it won't last. & yes it is the worst. I'm 33 and I am too fucking young to be this fucked up in the spine.

parallel-lines

@queenofbithynia Did you feel like the shots helped at all? My last doctor was like either than or surgery and I wasn't happy with the answer. I've read super mixed things about the shots--that they can cause the surrounding tissue to break down and make the problem worse in the long run. I'm honestly game for surgery if that'll help.

queenofbithynia

@parallel-lines The actual experience was horrifying for me. No special reason, just you can feel them putting a needle all the way into your back and tapping against the nerve (if they hit the nerve, you can feel it even after they put the anaesthetic in.) They offered me no sedatives but I would definitely ask for one if I go back for more. I was so terrified the whole time. I think nicer doctors give you a valium or something.

I had a horrible reaction to the first shot (leg on fire, immobilized again for three days) & the third one was done by the resident, which they didn't tell me was going to happen, and I don't think was done right. The second one was uneventful and seemed to work the best. All three times were almost worth it just for the immediate aftermath -- they put in novacaine or something first, and you sit up and feel like everything is fixed and your leg is numb, it's great.

I am doing a lot better now than I was back in April when I started the sequence of injections, but I really can't tell if it was them or just the passage of time that helped. I'm still ambivalent. They didn't do any lasting harm, that I know of, yet. & the stress of doing nothing and not knowing if I should push for surgery was unbearable, so I'd probably do it again if I had to go back and decide again.

The guy who did mine is supposedly super super good at them but I hate him passionately and I couldn't talk to him, at all. I can't decide if I should have another set of shots done, because I am definitely not all fixed but I don't know how bad it has to be to be a good idea, and he won't tell me. I hate him but -- I do kind of recommend him if you're anywhere near the DC area; he is terrible at human behaviour but very technically skilled, I think.

OH OH OH MY GOD AND he also didn't tell me that I would lose my period for two months and then bleed randomly for another three. I am still so enraged about this I don't know what to do. I only connected the dots when I started desperately googling for lady problems and found a bunch of forum posts from women in their thirties who thought they were going through early menopause or something and had had these shots earlier -- it seems to be a well-known side effect if you search for anecdotes but it was not mentioned to me by any medical professionals ever. But it did resolve itself eventually, it was just extremely alarming because of the no warning.

queenofbithynia

@parallel-lines I've heard the same thing about surgery too, that it helps immediately but it weakens the surrounding areas and years later you'll be more prone to re-injuring your back. I think if you can afford the cortisone shots and have a highly experienced and trustworthy doctor do them, with the guided fluoroscopic x-ray imaging or whatever it is, it's worth trying & you can still go for surgery after if that doesn't help.

I think my experience was worse than the norm, but like I say, I'd do it again -- I think it helped some, but just the psychological benefit of being in the process of doing something, getting some kind of concrete treatment, was considerable.

geek_tragedy

@parallel-lines

Dude, you need the 'd. You've probably seen this somewhere, but there's a link between low vitamin D levels, depression and chronic pain.

parallel-lines

@queenofbithynia I was away from the computer all weekend and just saw this: damn girl, I'm so sorry you're suffering so much. I feel like a real baby for complaining about my moderate aches and pains. I'm gonna see this new guy and see what he says. I'm in NYC otherwise I'd totally take you up on that doc reccomendation. Thank you for all this info, it is incredibly helpful!

As a super personal, feel free not to answer this aside: did you find that you had problems orgasming during really bad sciatic episodes? I feel like that whole zone of my body just goes numb and it's horrible. I read something about Naomi Wolf saying that happened to her, my body just sort of feels like only parts of it are in my control now. But that part is the worst of it.

frenz.lo

I keep getting free-floating work rage at my work. I'm in an apprenticeship program that my employer is phasing out, which means I get to finish my own apprenticeship, but new people being hired for my job are doing it part-time, usually while they're in school for something unrelated.
The people who are just assisting are getting paid minimum wage, plus tips. The other remaining apprentices and myself get less than minimum wage, plus tips. It's not a new situation, and the rationale for paying the apprentices less is that we're getting an education in our field.
It's been eating at me lately for a lot of reasons, though. I think I am going to ask for, and then probably be denied a raise this week. And if I don't get that raise, nothing will change, and my bosses know that. I'm not going to leave. I have six months to go in a two year program. I don't know if I should even bother, but I need something to change.

ImASadGiraffe

Ok, I wrote about some boyfriend questions/issues and they've gotten clarified a bit more and I am thinking of jumping ship.

Quick background: LDR, new-ish (official as of beginning of the month).

Boyfriend has told me, in no uncertain terms, that he can't transfer for 3 years due to some contract. He is not willing to look for a new job.
He also announced that he can't consider marrying someone until he lives with them first.
We live 200 miles apart.
So...I'm either looking at - AT LEAST - a 3-year LDR, or I have to move and completely uproot my entire life before being engaged/married.

At this point I don't know how I feel about him. I like him, we're sexually compatible, but I am somewhat put off by his rigidity in even considering a change of job/location if we continue dating. I also do not feel comfortable with the idea of uprooting my life to move to a town that I do not like before having a ring on my finger. Call me old-fashioned, but I'm not uprooting my life for a boyfriend. A fiance, a husband - yes.

I had a conversation with my sister about this and she's like, "If you like him enough this stuff won't matter" - and I thought about it and I was like, I'm not sure I like him enough to make the effort to make this work. I even used the term "giving up my weekends" to spend time with him. If he was here it would be a lot easier, of course, but not sure even then that I'd be jumping through hoops to spend time with him. I like my life and I like my routine and I like my weekends where, if I choose to, I can do absolutely nothing but surf the internet and watch episodes of Vampire Diaries. Or go to the gym for 5 hours on a Saturday to hang out with my friends (I do CrossFit).

So yeah, anyone got some advice for me? Should I just end it and spare him (and myself) the future heartache?

Scandyhoovian

@ImASadGiraffe I would say that based on your comment you already sound kind of like you're leaning toward "break it off." Which, honestly, is also my advice? I honestly don't think bending so much of your life around his because he refuses to bend at ALL for you is fair of him to ask of you. Like, even a little bit.

Emma Peel

@ImASadGiraffe I'm sorry. That's a tough situation.

But I agree that you sound like you've already made up your mind, and that it's the right decision. You don't want to be with someone in the long term who has made their priorities very clear to you when you know that on that list of priorities, you come below their job and their fixed idea of what a serious relationship should be.

Weasley

@ImASadGiraffe

You should just break up with him.

roadtrips

@ImASadGiraffe Yeah. I was one of the people telling you to give it a shot last week, but it sounds like maybe you're looking for something a little less ambiguous? I mean, it is true that if you're involved in a serious-ish or at least exclusive relationship, you probably aren't actively looking for something else. So if what you're looking for is a relationship with someone who lives in your city and is ready to settle down then, yeah, this isn't what you're looking for, and it's totally fair to end it on those grounds. It also sounds a little bit like you're looking for reasons to end it. I kind of agree with "if you like someone enough..." but I'd put it more like "If you like someone enough (and the feeling is mutual) you'll be able to find a compromise that works for both of you".

Emby

@ImASadGiraffe Yes. I mean... it just sounds like you're more invested in it than him, and you've imbued the relationship with a lot of Future Potential, and he hasn't. Which is fine! People are allowed to be on different pages. But it does sound like as far as this relationship is concerned, you've got some of them irreconcilable differences.

Better to both of you if end this one before the Resentment gets a foothold. And it will. It is the sneakiest and most pernicious of relationship monsters, and its awfullest and most perverse characteristic is the way it worms into your logic and makes you think there's a vital artery between your anger and your continued happiness. And it nourishes your anger and it hides and starves your caution.

ImASadGiraffe

@Emby See I've been feeling like HE is way more into this than me, b/c he keeps bringing up "the future" which is how I even found out about any of this stuff. I would have been unaware that this is how he felt about any of this except that he brought it up.

@everyone There is a part of me that thinks I'm trying to find a way to end it as a self-protection thing so I don't get disappointed/hurt in the future. But then there's the other part of me that just thinks I don't like him enough to do this LDR thing. I'm sort of conflicted.

Thanks for letting me type it all out. Part of why Hairpin is so awesome.

Emby

@ImASadGiraffe Ah. OK, then take my comment and send it to him, because it applies equally! He's not a bad person for wanting so much for the future, and you're not a bad person for not wanting the same thing! So break up with him, and tell him that's the reason.

ImASadGiraffe

@Emby LOL and I agree with you on the Resentment thing. I had a lot of that in my last relationship and it was NO FUN.

smidge

@ImASadGiraffe Yeah. I mean, if you were excited to move to wherever he is because it was a Land of Opportunity with Things To Do--I might say go for it, but if he's the only thing you have going on there, it doesn't sound like you're really in a place where that is enough.

supernintendochalmers

@ImASadGiraffe Yeah, I was another one of the "go for it!" people last week, but you know what? Long distance relationships take sacrifices and open-mindedness to work. Hell, all relationships do. I get that he has a contract, but his other requirements seem pretty rigid, and you don't seem to be feeling it.

annebee

I'm sure this will be all the way down at the bottom buried but I'm having some friend insecurities this week and I feel weird. One of my best friends has been acting more and more elusive over the past few months, however weird it sounds I really think she suffers from FOMO to the extreme. It impacts everyone when she is with them, she's always dying to go somewhere else, texting a million people, leaves parties super early. And she treats me like I'm pathetic and uncool for not going to the bar 5 times a week. I'm feeling over it, but then like I'm losing a friend.

Another friend is tiring me out talking about her new bf all the time. And only ever just talks about what she's into and expects me to reach the same levels of excitement. Like about her ringtone, or a card game that she wants to play two weeks from now. It feels like she doesn't really get that I'm not just another version of herself.

I don't know. I feel like my choice of close friends is turning out not so great.

Emma Peel

@annebee I don't know about you, but I find I get irritated with my close friends way less than my merely good friends. I'm not sure what advice I have other than to be kind of blunt with each of them about those things if you want to preserve the friendship, or to spend more time with other people if you don't.

Losing friends sucks, but so does staying friends with people you find out you don't actually like -- and I think it's totally normal to like someone a lot when they're a mutual friend you see at parties and a lot less when you're one-on-one with them more and more.

annebee

@Emma Peel Yeah, I'm usually pretty good about bringing stuff up. But this time - at least with the partying friend - I just don't know. It's been building over time and I just am done with her superiority thing, and with the rudeness. Even when I am coming out with her she acts like she owns the place...

Thanks for the advice, it's just hard to totally accept moving on.

Emma Peel

@annebee I just realized part of my advice was TOTALLY BACKWARDS. I meant that I get irritated with close friends MORE because you're more exposed and more up on people's issues!

I'd let Friend No. 1 go, and let Friend No. 2 know -- nicely -- that you want to talk about you for awhile, and see if that makes any difference.

And yeah, losing friends is the worst. It can be as rough as a breakup but there's no culturally accepted way to grieve it, you know?

annebee

@Emma Peel haha I read it the way you meant without even noticing. I knew what you meant. I think you are right about what to do.

That's a good way of putting it. No way to grieve. You are supposed to just move on but this whole part of your life is gone.

luna848

Wow this is the first time I've ever, ever, ever been on time for one of these things, and now I'm so excited I don't even know what to say! I feel like I should say something though, because I never even comment on here at all...
Well, this has been a super weird month. On the 3rd I moved to Belgrade for a 6-month internship that I had exactly 1 month to plan for, and I spent the first couple weeks mostly hiding in my apartment sleeping and being miserable. Leaving made it excruciatingly clear that I'd had basically no friends at school and hadn't even really realized, and I didn't know a single person in Belgrade of course. But now things are going better. My internship finally started, I've 'inherited' some friends in Belgrade, I got into a Serbian class so maybe I can walk around feeling like less of an idiot, and I think I'm actually going to be able to get a visa! Yeah, that's all I can think of to say :)

rimy

@luna848 An internship in Serbia sounds intriguing - what type of work is it?

luna848

@rimy I'm working at an NGO that does legal work for underprivileged groups, particularly the Roma. Many people can't get legal papers to prove their existence, and/or can't citizenship to any country, which then exacerbates their problems accessing health care, education, adequate housing, etc. I literally knew nothing about these issues when I came here, but I've been reading the reports on the cases they've done, and it's fascinating.

KatieBarTheDoor

So I found this vintage shop in Cambridge where they take giant bales of clothes and dump them on the floor of one room, and you pay by the pound for anything you dig out. I don't think I'd ever climbed around on a pile of clothing before. I paid $0.90 for a pair of cozy-looking Under Armour pants, so that was fun.

And I also made my first Boston friend, and went to a free beer tasting! Yesterday was good.

SarahP

@KatieBarTheDoor Garment District? I've shopped there before, but never the by-the-pound area because I was just imagining the dusty/grimy feeling it would leave on my hands squicks me out. BUT it's worth it?

What beer tasting?!

KatieBarTheDoor

@SarahP Yep, Garment District! You know... I kind of felt vaguely dusty/grimy the whole time, and maybe like I was going to get lice? (I have a bit of a germ problem.) But that was more because of the idea of it than anything that actually LOOKED dusty/grimy/licey. Not where I'd like to get all my clothes, but a fun experience.

KatieBarTheDoor

@KatieBarTheDoor Oh, and the beer tasting was at Harpoon Brewery. I went there on a "blind friend date." I'd never had/heard of Harpoon (you probably have), and I liked it a lot.

SarahP

@KatieBarTheDoor I get that feeling from Goodwill and other thrift stores, though, so it's not a judgement on the place--I'd just rather leaf through a rack than dig through a pile, I think. (I've heard it was piles? I've never gone, maybe I'd need someone to be my guide...)

Ohhh, yes, Harpoon is nice! I stopped there once on a bike tour (I am not ashamed of doing touristy things! I've even been on a duck boat) and had a good time.

KatieBarTheDoor

@SarahP It was piles! Well, PILE, that is. Huge one. I definitely wouldn't be opposed to exploring it again sometime with another slightly squicked-out person! Is the upstairs good? I only popped up there for a second.

JessAndNo21

@KatieBarTheDoor Harpoon is opening their beer hall next Friday!! (I can't believe it's taken Boston this long to have a proper long-tabled German beer hall situation)

She was a retail whore

@KatieBarTheDoor I love that place. My friend gave me directions to The Garment District that included the words "Go through the lobby of the hotel next door." I bought my favorite sweater from the dollar a pound section, and we're still going steady 10 years later. They silk-screened a shirt for me that said "Queen" and has Freddie Mercury on it, but people kept reading it as "Queer," which was a-okay with me. I wish I'd gotten that shirt in a more forgiving color than white.

KatieBarTheDoor

@JessAndNo Yesss, they mentioned that yesterday! Are you going?

@She was a retail whore Cool, didn't realize they did silk-screening there.

She was a retail whore

@KatieBarTheDoor I haven't been back in ages, so I'm not sure they still do. If they do, though, I'm getting that shirt again in a more pit-friendly color.

highfivesforall

@KatieBarTheDoor I have gotten so much good stuff in The Pile, as we called it. It's a great place to go for material for costumes, and every once in a while you get something you can actually wear! I liked it better than going through racks in a goodwill type place because you can sit down while you go through stuff, and my arms didn't get as tired. I am weak and lazy, apparently.

rosencrantz

@KatieBarTheDoor Ooh, I haven't been to the Garment District in aaaages.

Also, blind friend date! I like this concept, in theory. Mostly because so many of my friends have moved away since grad school, the jerks. The lovely, far-away jerks.

han
han

@KatieBarTheDoor Oooh, I went there for the first time last week! I spent hours upstairs and then didn't have the energy to shift through The Pile though. NEXT TIME.

SarahP

This week I reread The Unbearable Lightness of Being and I forgot how amazing it is. I want somehow to be reading it all the time, like a book IV.

raised amongst catalogs

@SarahP It is soooooooooooooo good. This week I re-read Anne of Ingleside and am remembering how much it stinks compared to the other books. Way too much of LMM sticky-sweetly waxing poetic and way too many irritating children lisping and accosting "Mummy" with stupid things that real children would never say. Also, I hate when the kids call her "Mother dearwums." Gag.

SarahP

@raised amongst catalogs Ewwww "dearwums." I think that actually takes more work to say than not...

raised amongst catalogs

@SarahP Also every time I see that hateful word, at first I read it as "eardrums."

hallelujah

@SarahP "The heavier the load the closer to Earth" is basically how I justified to myself working 80 hr/week as a social worker for far too long. I still find it romantic, & a great way to look at having lots of responsibilities, but I am sooo over it. Gimme free time & let's lighten this shit up!

Bittersweet

@raised amongst catalogs Anne of Ingleside is kind of a drag with all the kid stuff, especially after the ridiculously awesome soap opera that is Anne's House of Dreams. But Jem is great and it does have the majestic Anne-Christine throwdown at the end. Which is always worth re-reading.

roadtrips

Does anybody have any good ideas for going on dates? I've been with my current dude for about 8 months and we're really falling into the dinner/movie/drink trap (either at home or, occasionally out). Anything I think of that might be fun seems way too Blind Date-like (karate lessons? horseback riding?) and because of our schedules we usually have to do evening things. Anything to add to the repertoire would be much appreciated. I live in the Bay Area, btw. Thanks a million!

Blushingflwr

@roadtrips just cause it sounds like a blind date doesn't mean it can't also be fun. Cooking classes, the theatre, free lectures/discussions. Many museums have an evening once a month for date night. Can you do day time dates on weekends, or do you have to work? Do fun touristy things in your area that you've never done. The point is to be together and try something fun. It doesn't matter if the fun is also cheesy or corny.

par_parenthese

@roadtrips Seconding museum date nights. Also: I know there are a ton of specialty stores/wine shops that do inexpensive wine or beer tastings/pairings/classes on the regular. Even my local Whole Foods does a weekly flight night with beer and stuff to eat paired with the beer for, like, five bucks. Cheap and delicious and fun.

lookuplookup

@roadtrips As someone who works in a Museum, I third Museum date nights. My boyfriend & I have been together for just under a year & sometimes I think our best "dates" have been the times where he's randomly surprised me on my lunch hour (we work in relative proximity to each other & are both able to take the time to be away from our desks at lunch) - I love showing him the new exhibits & playing with the goofy interactive stuff together.

Have you thought about doing something at a time when you don't normally see each other? (Like a random mid-week lunch date -- I know "eating a meal" is still routine, but sometimes doing it at a different time is enough to bring a healthy amount of variety into the picture.) I know you say your schedules are best for evenings, but if you can shuffle some things around, it might help to break up your rut.

It's dumb, but I love going to play mini-golf. I know it's a cheesy "date" type activity, but I have loved it since childhood and will love it until I die. If given the choice to pick my perfect date activity, it would be mini-golf EVERY SINGLE WEEKEND and I don't even care that I'm terrible at it.

rimy

@roadtrips Why not do karate lessons and horseback riding, if that sounds interesting and like a lot of fun to the both of you? Think of something you'll both get a kick out of/learn something useful from and go for it, cheesy or not!

roadtrips

@all Thanks guys! The museum idea is a good one. I think that the responses I've gotten indicate that 1) I need to stop over thinking it and 2) I need to stop worrying about some weird-o coolness factor to my potential dates (actually these could be the same thing). And I had totally forgotten about mini-golf! I'm terrible at it too, but also love it!

whizz_dumb

@roadtrips for night times: bowling, cemeteries (I know it's morbid, but the Piedmont one rules), tiki bars, no TV living-room game night, ummmm swimming?

EngNaturalBeauty@twitter

@roadtrips rent a limo! It makes the night so much special even if you're going to the local Applebee's. Also you get to travel in style around your town.

smidge

@roadtrips Also, not to be cheesy, but volunteer somewhere together? Soup kitchen, outdoor festival, whatever takes your fancy!

planforamiracle

@roadtrips I struggle with the same thing—I have lots of ideas, I just need to get over the embarrassment/fear that my partner will think they're dumb!

OhMarie

@roadtrips We like to mix up the food and drink with "event" food and drink stuff (like a local liquor store has free wine tastings on Saturday, or there are local festivals), and we also went on a high ropes course type of thing recently with a Groupon and it was AMAZING.

roadtrips

@smidge That's a good idea! I volunteer regularly somewhere that I really love, and we've been trying to find some time on a Saturday that we can go together. @planforamiracle isn't it funny that (for me at least) ostensibly this person likes me, we have things in common, etc etc and yet I'm still on some level "trying to be cool"? How to get out of that? It's a frustrating thing that I do that I don't even realize I'm doing until stuff like this comes up and I'm like, oh, that idea that I had that seemed like it would be fun to do with someone I didn't even bring up because it didn't make it past my cool filter. Ugh.

yeah-elle

@whizz_dumb Um just popping in to say that I looove that cemetery in Piedmont and I've always wanted to take a date there, but I've always worried that it would be too morbid? But it's not, it's so pretty! But every time I mention how much I love that cemetery, people give me googly eyes. It's just a really beautiful place, guys, ugh.

This is my new username

@roadtrips
My co-worker and I were just discussing this yesterday. Here are a few that we chatted about (that i remember)

Swimming
Pool (as in the billiards kind)
Bowling
Skating (if you live in a wintery place)
Rock climbing
Going to one of those places where you paint a mug

anachronistique

Ending a terrible week with finding out someone else messed-up big time and everyone who could tell me whether they DID mess up or how to fix it is NOT ANSWERING THEIR EMAILS.

I am buying a bottle of wine on the way home.

anachronistique

@anachronistique ETA that it was able to be fixed though I'm still not sure how this happened. PHEW. BUT STILL. What a way to end the week!

bitchycrosstownexpress

@anachronistique I went through a six week string of massive disasters at 4 pm on Fridays so you have my sympathies. Thankfully it has been fairly quiet today.

like a rabid squirrel

Does anyone else get really weird about travel and being away from home during tumultuous emotional times?

Shortish version: I'm having my once-a-semester existential crisis a little early this year, wondering why I'm in grad school at all, feeling pretty depressed & anxious, missing my boyfriend. I was signed up to go to an event in another state this weekend, and basically bailed on the whole thing this morning. There were reasons: some icy driving conditions, minor car trouble, plus my colleague who was also going (who I don't get along with, generally) was pressuring me to drive there late last night to beat the weather. Basically I got so stressed out that I told her to go on ahead without me and bailed on the whole thing entirely. This probably makes me look a little untogether, and may reflect poorly upon my department, but I do feel better minus the guilt about not meeting peoples' expectations. I just hate the idea of being away from home, sleeping on air mattresses, when all I really want to do is sit at home and have a good wallow. Is this normal? Was I being selfish? Gah.

SarahP

@like a rabid squirrel I have mild anxiety issues and this sounds like me every time I have to go somewhere I've never been before. But it sounds like you had a lot of good reasons not to go this time. If I were you, I would use a little of your wallowing time to email your colleague and/or the people in your department who would be affected by your absence and just say that you had to bow out due to some car issues and personal problems, and you were so sorry to miss it. (Or something like that.) Guilt alleved!

like a rabid squirrel

@SarahP I'm glad to know someone else feels this way - gotta love the internet. I always have some anxiety about travel but when I'm already stressed it gets 1000x worse. I sent out the relevant apologetic e-mails and now I'm going to chill the fuck out with wine & Star Trek. Thanks for your comment. :)

fruiting body

@like a rabid squirrel i, too, get mad travel anxiety, although I'm not sure if it's 100% what you are going through. My husband I just moved to the UK (from the US) and he keeps trying to plan all these weekend getaways and stuff and it really stresses me out! It's not that I don't want to travel, it's just that I don't feel settled here at all yet, so the idea of leaving my temporary home for an even more temporary place is really scary! I get frozen by all the little details and I'd rather stay home.

OhMarie

What is up Dryanuary peeps? I think I am stopping Dryanuary early this weekend, BUT I have found it extremely valuable.

Just, like, forcing myself to do things without alcohol that I normally do with alcohol has been great. I was at a bar and didn't have any drinks and the bartender wasn't mean to me. I told my one weird, pushy coworker that I didn't want any drinks when we were traveling together and it was fine. All in all, an excellent experience.

coolallison

@OhMarie I might cave a day early because I think I'm going to need to drink my way through the finale of 30 Rock.

lookuplookup

@OhMarie I'm still doing Drynuary... but will probably not still be doing Drynuary by 10pm tonight. I think it's been good for me -- not that I was drinking a lot, but it was just nice to remember that drinking isn't a social obligation & I don't have to drink just because other people are (good god, the days of high school "just say no" yore). If anything, Drynuary has made me appreciate making the choice to drink, drinking drinks that I actually want to drink, etc.

Stacy Worst

@OhMarie Enjoy your drinks, ladies (I win)!

meetapossum

@Sister Administrator Not so fast, Sister! I am also still holding strong. (But only one week to go! One short glorious week with a glass of wine at the end of it.)

themegnapkin

@meetapossum same! I had planned to break Drynuary early on Saturday night, but the combination of my lingering winter cold plus an avalanche of work means that I will likely be holding out until Monday, at least, when I will drink nice scotch at a work event.

pajamaralls

@coolallison Don't now if you're a Community fan, but its return is one of the only things making me feel that life post-30 Rock will be okay.

meetapossum

Scratch that. My bar got Hennepin today. THAT is what I'll be having as my first drink next Friday.

fruiting body

@OhMarie I'm still going strong with Drynuary but looking forward to having an Old Fashioned on Feb 1st! I even went to a Pin-Up last night and only had ginger beer and it was great!

I have realized that I don't really give a shit about being tipsy for socialization purposes but I really miss the flavors! This is the opposite of how I thought I felt, so I declare Drynuary a success (and I refuse to give up with less than a week left.)

Blushingflwr

Okay, Pinners - I am 30 and beginning to despair of the possibility of having a career. Even jobs I've liked have grown boring and wearisome after about a year, and my current job is not one I particularly like. If I felt this way about a boyfriend, I would DTMFA, but alas, I have rent to pay. I don't want to keep hopping from low-level job to low-level job, because part of my boredom in the past has been that I have learned and perfected the task required of me without there being any room for growth. Also, I would like to make enough money to finance the lifestyle to which I would like to become accustomed, which junior staff usually don't.
There are several careers that sound like I might like them, but many of them require going back to school, which I am hesitant to do. Partly because of the money factor, partly because while I love going to classes/discussions I don't really relish the thought of writing papers again, and partly because I am afraid of committing so much time and energy to getting a degree that I am then unable to use (again) or getting a job with that degree and finding that I hate it.

Tell me about your careers, 'Pinners, and how you figured out what you wanted to be when you grow up.

coolallison

@Blushingflwr I am turning 30 in a couple of months, and I have no idea. I'm actually meeting with a career coach now, to help me figure it all out, because I just feel like there has to be more to life than what I'm living. I thought about going back to school, but the money thing scares me, so I am hoping that maybe the career coach will help me before I spend a whole bunch more money on another career that I might potentially not like. I've only been to one session so far, but I think it's going to end up being a good idea. Good luck to you!

EngNaturalBeauty@twitter

@Blushingflwr What is your current degree and what degree are you thinking of pursuing if you go back to school?

Plant Fire

@Blushingflwr I think we'd need a little more information about what careers you are thinking of because there might be a way to do it with more school.

As for me...I love my job but how I got here is long and complicated so bear with me. Well from age 15-20.5 I wanted to work in the fashion industry. I had planned extensively for it and I had a packet with plan A, B, C, D, E, and F of how to do it. I went to a school that really wasn't a good fit for me (academically or socially or geographically) because, in my opinion, it had the best fashion merchandising program in the US and would allow me to double major in fashion design. I did TONS of research on the ins and outs of the industry and what it was like to work there and how the different companies worked, I had names of all of the major models and what campaigns they were in each season memorized, I read piles of magazines to the point where if you showed me a piece of clothing I could tell you which designer made it and what year/season it came from. I had a binder with information about how I would move to NYC (of course, with plans A, B, and C because I am nothing if not anal retentive) and how much apartments cost on average for a variety of neighborhoods (I focused on Queens and upper Manhattan and parts of the Bronx for cost reasons) and had a list of which documents I'd need to present to a landlord and how much money I'd need to make to rent an apartment in price range I was looking at.

Then I went to college and hated my school. I'd grown up outside of the US and was only half American and because I was so focused on choosing the right program for the right career I didn't think to research the rest of the school, so I didn't realize that it was not a place where outsiders or anyone "different" were welcome. I couldn't drive and had never lived somewhere without decent public transportation so I could never leave the town, and there was nothing to do and there were no jobs so I had nothing to distract myself. My classes were ok but the academic level (including in my non fashion classes, like math and english) was on a level way below what I had studied in high school (I was lucky to go for free to a top school, on of the best international schools in the world). I hated my classmates (aka my future coworkers). I became very depressed and stopped going to class so my grades dropped. Then my favorite designer committed suicide and there were a ton of blackface photoshoots in various fashion magazines and I started noticing more of the age, weight, and race discrimination in the industry. So, while it still was my dream job I realized that maybe it wasn't the best place for me.

For I year I was super lost and out of place, partly because of the depression and partly because the thing I'd spent years planning for was now gone. For about a year I just sort of flailed around but then I got closer to graduation and realized that not being able to work in a field I was passionate about was actually a good thing, because it meant I could focus on getting all the other parts of the job that are important. I've always believed that most industries, no matter how creative or how technical, or if they are a big business or whatever, are ultimately the same. Lots of spreadsheets and deadlines and emails and projects, and interacting with people to try and get things done. And since my future career was no longer tied to me emotionally (because it wasn't my passion) I could focus on getting the salary I wanted and what kind of benefits I wanted and whether I wanted to work for a big company or a small company or whether I wanted to do a lot of team work or independent work or whatever. Which made things so much easier.

From there I started thinking. I was at the time working in a work study job in an office on campus and I liked the university environment and so I decided to look into higher education, so that I could get the benefit of access to all those campus events (guest lectures, plays, etc.). I had also been doing admin type work for various places since age 16 so I decided to look into admin assistant jobs. I felt it would be a good way to get the feel of a job because by assisting everyone with their stuff I see what each person in the company does and then I can see if that's something I'd like to do. I decided to keep the moving to NYC plan, so that I could have one piece of my original goal there and also because after extensive research I determined that would be the easiest place to get a job as a recent graduate with limited experience. So I refined my resume to highlight my admin experience as well as make it seem like I was capable of much more than admin and started applying. I researched the places before to get an idea of what their salaries were (I wanted 40k+) and benefits (I had heard horror stories of American healthcare before moving here so this was key for me) and how likely I could move up to a non admin position once I was in the company. I ended up getting about an interview a week at a variety of universities for the 4 months I was applying (probably because since I could focus on all the other parts of the job I could choose places that were good fits for me, so I wrote better cover letters because I was genuinely excited about the place. I ended up finding a job posting for the development office of a university so I googled it and realized that fundraising/development type work might be really fun for me (I'm a people person) so I applied and was hired. And I love it and it has a track record of promoting admin assistants after 2 years (my job was open because the former admin was promoted) out of admin work, if they work hard.

I realized that I actually have more time now to pursue my passion (sewing/designing etc.) than if I worked in the fashion industry. And because I had a wider range of jobs to apply to I could focus on salary and benefits which means I am in a more comfortable position to do what I want in my free time and my health (including mental health) is great.

Plant Fire

@Sea Ermine AHHH that was so long! Sorry. Here is the short version:

TL;DR maybe instead of focusing on a particular career think about what kind of job you'd like (with regards to company culture, big or small, salary, area, types of projects, etc.) and go for that instead of focusing on what field it's in.

MilesofMountains

@Sea Ermine Kind of similar to that: I recently watched a video of a talk where the speaker basically completely disagreed with the "follow your passion" standard career advice. He said that people who love their jobs seldom get into them by following a passion. His theory was that you need to find the traits that matter to you in a job (e.g. creativity, or independence or whatever) and that if you have those traits, there are going to be a whole bunch of fields what will have jobs that work for you. If you've been in the working world for a while, I'm sure you'll be able to come up with a list of traits with a bit of brainstorming, and then from there look for jobs.

anachronistique

@Blushingflwr I figured it out COMPLETELY BACKWARDS.

Basically, I went into college wanting to be a high school Latin teacher. By senior year I'd decided I wanted to be a professor of classics. I got into grad school but left with a MA instead of completing the PhD due to both mental health and financial reasons, and sort of floundered when I applied to other programs and didn't get in anywhere. And ended up working a horrible corporate job that sucked my soul out.

A friend recommended "So What Are You Going to Do with That?": Finding Careers Outside Academia, which was really useful. And I figured out that what I wanted to do was continue to work in an academic environment but try on the staff side, and do something where I got to work with students and faculty. Having the admin experience from work-study and my horrible corporate job was a huge selling point, though, and having the MA meant I was able to spin myself as being uniquely in touch with the students I'd be working with. I was probably job-searching for about... eight, nine months really hard when I lucked out and found the job I have now, working at one of the eight million colleges in the Boston area. And, you know, it's still a job. All jobs have bad days - see my complaint thread up above. But I am phenomenally lucky to have a department where the two other staff are amazing, the chairs we work with most closely are great and always go to bat for us, and the students I deal with are almost all wonderful. And while I might still spend a lot of time wrestling with databases or poking at people to finish their damn paperwork... I also get to help people get their degrees. Which is pretty cool. :)

like a rabid squirrel

@anachronistique I am definitely checking out that book - feeling very lost in my program right now and wondering if I might prefer admin or some other career related to my MA.

Blushingflwr

@EngNaturalBeauty@twitter I went to grad school for Museum Studies. If I could actually get a museum job, I think I might be pretty happy, because even if I were in the back cataloging all day, I actually like cataloging. Right now, I'm working in project management in a non-profit, and it is not a good fit. I suppose I am learning valuable skills, but I'm frustrated more days than not, I think.

I mean, there are a lot of things I like here: flexible hours, a relaxed dress code, I can work from home as needed, I never worry about my vacation not being approved, I have my own desk/computer and share an office with one other person.

Right now, I find myself thinking most longingly of my tour guiding days. I miss the public speaking/customer service aspect of it, and for all the stress of trying to get a large group of people through a historic site on schedule, it was something I enjoyed and was good at. The problem is that it did not have flexible hours or a relaxed dress code, and that after a while, I would get bored, and there is virtually no room for promotion, unless you want to become a manager or trainer (and there are very few of those positions).

Shahzaib Soomrow@facebook

This is one of the best blogs I have ever read. I m absolutely excited to get to read such a well blog. I would love to read more of your blogs. Thanks dude

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Scandyhoovian

OK, I need some advice, dear 'Pinners.

The mother of someone I was very, very close friends to for all of high school and early college (so, 8-12 years ago) passed away very unexpectedly a few weekends ago, and I sent my condolences via facebook as did so many other people, but I feel like it wasn't enough.

However, I haven't actually seen him since he went off to med school and I went off to do my thing. Like, I'd say we're old friendly acquaintances. I loved his mother a lot and her unexpected death saddened me greatly, but I'm wondering how much I really can do without overdoing it, you know?

I'm thinking a card, or perhaps a donation to the temple their family is a part of (the temple recently set up an Adult Education Program in her name). I just don't want to feel like I'm overstepping as a distant acquaintance, but I do want to do something, because for a fairly large part of my life, she was as welcoming to me as she was to her own children.

Thoughts?

Emma Peel

@Scandyhoovian It's rarely overstepping or overdoing it to do something nice for someone who's in a tough place. Think how much it will mean to him that his mother is someone so important to you, even if you and he aren't close any more.

He will remember it for a long time. Do either, or both.

par_parenthese

@Scandyhoovian Aw man, sorry.

I think what you're describing sounds incredibly thoughtful and not boundary-overstep-y at all. I would be so touched if a high school friend did that in my mother's memory someday.

lookuplookup

@Scandyhoovian I think a card or a donation is totally appropriate. Sometimes I feel like there is this tacit understanding that you had a certain level of closeness at one time & while it may not have held up over the passing of time, that certainly doesn't make the closeness any less significant/valid, if you know what I mean. I can think of at least 2-3 high school friends who fall into this category for me & if I were in your position, I wouldn't hesitate to reach out & do something nice for them in this kind of situation, because it's a good action coming from an honest place.

SarahP

@Scandyhoovian A card is a fantastic idea, as is a donation. In the card, I would put something about his mother--a memory, or just what you said above--and that will be enough explanation as to why you're writing it. I am fortunate enough not to have lost someone very close to me, but from my experience, mourners appreciate hearing things like that about a departed loved.

OhMarie

@Scandyhoovian I have never wished I had done less for someone who experienced a death and have wished I had done more a couple of times. Go for whatever you feel compelled to do.

TheLetterL

@Scandyhoovian Whatever you feel like doing! If you are talking about a one-time, private gesture like a card or donation, no one is going to wish you were less nice to them.

churlishgreen

@Scandyhoovian My mother died exactly one year ago, and I can assure you that any expression of sympathy/fond memories will be met with much gratitude.

harebell

@Scandyhoovian
Do either or both!
I may be old-school on this, but personally I would say Facebook condolences really don't count -- you have to go to the funeral or send a card or go visit the person or send them nice tea or something to properly condole. At least, that's how I felt as a bereaved person -- I didn't mind if people didn't get in touch usually, or just noted it and drifted away from them, but it made a big difference if someone made a genuinely thoughtful gesture, and that really helped me. Plus, if this women was welcoming and warm to you when you were growing up, the best possible way to honor her memory is to say something kind to her children while they are probably feeling lost, disoriented, and deeply sad. Think how pleased she would be, if she could know!

Umlauts

So, I have a job I like, that is lucrative, but not exactly spiritually fulfilling. I'd really like to do some volunteer work in my spare time, but I find it's REALLY difficult to find a good opportunity. I work in Manhattan and you would think it would be really easy to find something, but I haven't had a lot of luck. I've looked at NY Cares and other similar volunteer matching sites with no luck. Most volunteer hours are between 9 to 5, which of course is when I have to be at my paying job.

Does anyone have any volunteer tips or stories to share that might help me out??

coolallison

@Umlauts I like volunteering with animal rescue groups. I used to volunteer with the Humane Society in Dallas (before I moved) and they always had adoption events on Saturdays. I could just go for a couple of hours and get my puppy therapy. (I mean, I was totally there to help the animals. Not play with puppies. That would be selfish.)

SarahP

@Umlauts I had a similar thing when I first moved to Boston and spent a while searching for stuff that not only could happen after work (weekends were not an option for me at the time), but that I actually wanted to do. So first I would try to narrow down just what kind of volunteer work you want to do. There are so many organizations of any given kind of work that you're bound to find one with hours that suit your needs--but narrowing your search will help a lot.

rimy

@Umlauts I volunteered at the International Rescue Committee (www.rescue.org) which I believe has locations in Manhattan, and after-9-5 hours, so if you want to help some displaced people out, I highly recommend it.

SarahP

@SarahP Also I've been volunteering at Learning Ally for 5 years and it has a special place in my heart (make audio books for learning-impaired students!). I see that the NYC studio is open every weekday until 9.

parallel-lines

@Umlauts I volunteer with Beth Israel Hospital--they have less in terms of offerings if you can't do 9-5 but there's definitely after work openings.

I also volunteer with Badass Brooklyn Dog Rescue--they always need people (BARC as well) for walking, fostering, rescue events on the weekends, etc...

All of the local hospitals have volunteer branches that offer various hours. If medicine isn't your think, look into Meals on Wheels and Gods Love We Deliver as well--they do great work as well and definitely need evening volunteers. The last one I can think of is Selis Center for the Blind--they need people to help teach life skills classes and read to residents, maybe check them out as well?

toastandjam

@Umlauts check out http://nywriterscoalition.org/

EngNaturalBeauty@twitter

@Umlauts I used to volunteer at a Nursing Home. They would have late evening 7 or 8pm events such as having performers come to entertain the residents. Maybe you can look into something like that.

highfivesforall

@SarahP This sounds awesome! I just applied!

Umlauts

@Umlauts Awesome suggestions, everyone! I think I am realizing that my scope was too limited- I was looking too much at only shelters and soup kitchens, where I was used to volunteering. I'll be looking in a lot of these option, for sure!

ayo nicole

@parallel-lines I just emailed Badass Brooklyn Dog Rescue! I've been looking for something that'll allow me to spend time with dogs since I am not ready to own one just yet. Thanks!

saul "the bear" berenson

@ayo nicole Oh my god I just emailed the Badasses too. Yes yes yes. My mom is a foster doggie mom in NJ and we have a couple amazing rescue dogs, but I'm not ready for my own yet, and this would be amazing. Thank you!

SarahP

@highfivesforall Yay, that makes me so happy! Enjoy!

rimy

Oh yeah and I totally went to Ben's Chili Bowl when I was in DC and it was yummy! I sat at the bar right next to the photo of Obama reaching across the counter to shake hands and ate a chili dog. Thanks for pointing me toward it! It was perfectly divey for a solo lunch out.

stonefruit

@rimy I'm so happy to hear this! I miss Ben's so hard, so I'm a little bit living vicariously through you :)

katiemcgillicuddy

@rimy Nice! Ben's is the best. Next time you are in town, you should try it drunk as hell after a show at the 9:30 club. Did that the other night for the millionth time and oh god, so satisfying.

plumb-bob

Our new cat went missing this week :-( We heard him scrabbling at the cat door a few nights ago, and in the morning we found that he'd managed to unlatch it and was gone! We'd only just started letting him outside, so I think he must have got lost, not knowing his way around and all. Even worse, we'd taken his collar and ID tag off the night before to put his flea treatment on, so he's not wearing it (he is microchipped though). We have put up signs, been out looking for him, etc. but all we can really do is wait and hope he comes home or gets turned in somewhere.

raised amongst catalogs

@plumb-bob I have a pair of dear friends whose cat did the same thing -- and he DID come back, even though he took his sweet time about it. He had a little frostbite on the tip of one ear but was otherwise in great shape and has never left home since. I really hope he shows up soon so you can stop worrying!

Cat named Virtute

@plumb-bob Oh nooooo, you must be so worried! I hope he makes it home safe soon.

plumb-bob

@raised amongst catalogs @Cat named Virtute When I was a teenager, one of our cats went missing. Six weeks later, when we had well and truly given up on her, she turned up meowing at the front door at midnight. She was very skinny but otherwise fine. Thanks, we have our fingers crossed!

professionalmess

All of the other friend advice requests made me decide to ask mine: How can I ask my friends to hang out with me more without being annoying and desperate?

For background, I recently moved back in with my parents in my very small hometown (<3000 people)after being away at school for 3 years. I don't have many friends here (actually they all live at least an hour away), and there aren't a lot of opportunities for meeting people my age. I really want to get out more and be social, but I feel like I'm always bothering my few friends who have lives and spouses and friends who aren't me.

Quinn A@twitter

@professionalmess Aww, I understand that feeling! But the thing is, even if they have lives and spouses and other friends, they'll still like being asked to do things. You just have to accept that sometimes they will say no, and that saying no does not mean that they do not like you.

Queen of Pickles

@professionalmess Hmmmm. I've been on both sides of this, actually - feeling like I was "annoying and desperate" in lonely times, or having a friend contact me a bit too often while sounding a bit anxious and insecure, while I was overcommitted already. It wasn't that I minded getting invited to things, but it was a bummer if I seemed to be a main source of support for a person who wasn't one of my main sources of support. It made me feel spread a bit thin, to be responsible for them like that.

Unsolicited advice-time!

I recommend balancing two contrary thoughts in your head: "my friends like me because I'm me" and "you can't make anyone love you". Let go of the impulse to monitor people's affection, to see if it's receding or growing, to examine your own behavior for fault. This might help take the mental pressure off.

Then I recommend asking specific friends to do specific things that the friend would like - i.e. roller skating for the adventurous friend, trip to a museum for another - really thinking about what you have in common with the other person. This will help avoid the anxious "Do you want to see me I miss youuuuuu," feeling.

Ask them with an open-ended date - "Want to go see the Monet exhibit at MoMA with me sometime soon?" - so if they're stressed out or overcommitted, they can put it into their calendar and not feel like they need to drop everything. Or something else I really like is planning phone dates with friends - not everyone can spare an evening a week, but most everyone can spare thirty minutes on a Sunday afternoon.

Good luck!

par_parenthese

OK. This is a safe place. I can admit to you all how overly emotionally involved I am with the Lizzie Bennet Diaries, can't I? LIKE SO OVERLY INVOLVED.

IS Wickham going to start hitting Lydia, and OMG shit is going DOWN this weekend because Lydia and Lizzie's newest videos are posting Monday at the SAME TIME which never happens, and I may have just tweeted a link to The Gift of Fear at Lydia because WARNING SIGNS, and see what I mean?! IT IS FICTION. I NEED TO GET A GRIP.

bocadelperro

@par_parenthese this is the second time this week someone has mentioned the Lizzie Bennet diaries, and, being an old, I have no idea what it is. Care to explain?

Mandalas

@bocadelperro It's an updated version of Pride and Prejudice on YouTube/Twitter/Tumblr. It's really very good. http://lizziebennetdiaries.tumblr.com/

@par_parenthese I'm having a hard time watching Lydia's videos lately. I understand how they add to the story and all but I just can't watch them. They make me so uncomfortable.

Linette

@par_parenthese I am with you on the over-emotional-involvement and also I have never wanted to be a redhead so badly in my life.

Be okay, Lydia. You somehow manage to be movie-obnoxious without achieving actual for-the-viewer-obnoxiousness, and I have no idea how you are doing that but please never stop you redheaded glory-child.

par_parenthese

@Mandalas I seriously watch them with my head turned. The most recent one (today) is intensely, intensely uncomfortable to watch.

@bocadelperro It's such fun. P&P is probably my favorite novel (yes, stereotypical, I know but it's an old friend and I love it) and it's been a blast so far watching how they've updated the storylines and places and situations while keeping the characters really true to the book. Lizzie's a grad student studying mass media (or something; it's been awhile since those early episodes) and starts a vlog as a class project. Hilarity and drama ensue.

par_parenthese

@Linette I seriously sit and watch Lydia's videos and covet her hair color the whole time. Covet covet covet. <3

Linette

@par_parenthese I will also never get over them changing Bingley to Bing Lee. I can't help myself. I snort out loud every time they say it.

And I will also never get over (in the other way) how they did not make Darcy's name Fitzwilliam. He is totally poncy enough and comes from a poncy enough family to be a Fitzwilliam. WHY WOULD YOU GIVE THAT GLORIOUS NAME UP?

bocadelperro

@par_parenthese P&P is also my favorite novel (and and old friend that has helped me cope with some difficult things), so I am also excited to check this out (although I really don't need another timesink)

par_parenthese

@bocadelperro The good news is, the videos are really short! Like under five minutes until the later eps.

@Linette OH GOD THE RACE-LIFTS. Charlotte Lu, too! :D And he IS poncy enough to be a Fitzwilliam, but then what would they have done with Fitz?

bocadelperro

@par_parenthese wow these are awesome thanks.

anachronistique

@par_parenthese I straight gave up on watching Lydia's videos. I just can't, they make me so viscerally unhappy I want to throw up.

BUT DARCY. Lobsterbot of my heart!

par_parenthese

@bocadelperro HUZZAH! (eta: I am also an old compared to the typical Nerdfighter/John Green/The Fault in Our Stars demographic for the show, but still. So good.)

@anachronistique I can't not watch them, knowing that they're out there. But yeah, unhappiness abounds in the latest one for sure. And also yeah, they bought a licence to kill and destroyed it with the casting of Hipster Darcy-Bot. Have you seen the preview for Monday's Lizzie? She's giggling! He's cheerily nonchalant! IT IS HAPPENING. (ALSO ALSO I MISS JANE.)

anachronistique

@par_parenthese JANE BENNET, HUMAN RAY OF SUNSHINE. The casting is so top-notch all through the series. (Right down to the eerie resemblance between Darcy and Gigi. Yikes.) And augh that preview! The gifs of it all over my Tumblr dashboard! Darcy's little smile! Lizzie's GIGGLING! Have we ever seen her quite like that before? Ohhhh my goodness.

par_parenthese

@anachronistique NO WE HAVE NOT. Not even with Dickham, which is what I'm calling him now -- with him, she was more like, "Holy crap... so hot... struggling.... coherent sentences... and yet everything he says makes me feel slightly uncomfortable?" She loves Darcy and just doesn't even know it yet which makes me squee hard. I have never shipped anything as hard as I ship it (well, except maybe Jo and Laurie, but we all know how THAT turned out).

And seriously, HOW did they find two people with exactly the same NOSTRILS. And also, Gigi is my hero, straight up. I love her deeply.

anachronistique

@par_parenthese Wickham may be a bad bad man, but he does have great abs. BUT OH MY GOD. IS IT MONDAY YET.

Gigiiiiiiiii. I think they handled the reveal of Gigi and Wickham perfectly: by letting Gigi tell the story herself, by having it be her choice in Lizzie's vlog that hasn't always been great about that. (And she ships Lizzie/Darcy harder than any of the rest of us, which is great.)

par_parenthese

@anachronistique I loved all the comments on the video where Gigi pushed them (literally) together. "GIGI. ONE OF US. ONE OF USSSSSS." I wonder if she'll play a bigger role in untangling the scandal than she did in the book? And what will the scandal be? My hypothesis has always been sex tape blackmail and now that George is one drunk away from giving Lydia a black eye (sidenote: that last video needs a trigger warning) I'm wondering what other layers the scandal will have.

This is my new username

@par_parenthese OMG this is amazing. Why have I waited until now to watch this.

par_parenthese

@This is my new username Hurrrrry and catch up because we are going to have SO MUCH DRAMZ to talk about next FOT. Y'all.

anachronistique

@par_parenthese Oh my god, did you see all the pictures Gigi was posting of her day out with Lizzie and Darcy? I DIED.

par_parenthese

@anachronistique I am in fact writing this from beyond the grave. I squeed all over Gigi's twitter after that. LAWD HAVE MERCY, Darcy looks good in his scarf and nerd glasses. And DAT EYEBROW.

anachronistique

@par_parenthese His eyebrows should be made illegal. Holy crap. And the way he and Lizzie are closer together in each successive picture! (And he's all GIGI THIS IS QUITE UNTOWARD but then on the way home he awkwardly thanks her.)

(I have a lot of feelings about this show.)

par_parenthese

@anachronistique Ye gods, yes. All the feelings.

par_parenthese

@anachronistique asdlfkjaksdjfalkjsdfljadlkfja!!!!!!!

NEW VIDEO

anachronistique

@par_parenthese oh god I'm going to have to close my office door so I can keen softly into my hands

par_parenthese

@anachronistique SO MUCH SQUEEING.

"This is the boring stuff" INCORRECT, WORST DESCRIPTION OF A VIDEO EVER, LIZZIE.

(ALSO, LEGIT: http://www.guardian.co.uk/tv-and-radio/tvandradioblog/2013/jan/28/youtube-austen-pride-and-prejudice)

Miss Maszkerádi

New Yorkers: I know I started a big long discussion about the NY pinup yesterday but, long story short, I am hung over. And need to get some things accomplished because yikes class on Monday. So, I hope nobody was desperately hoping to meet me or anything... :-P

Plant Fire

@Countess Maritza aww : ( If you feel like coming later on in the night to sip a ginger ale and chat just post on the Facebook page. I'll try to check it throughout the night so I can let people know if it's still going or not.

ETA: Not to be like, peer pressure-y or anything I'm just excited for the pinup and encouraging everyone to come.

Miss Maszkerádi

@Sea Ermine Don't get me wrong I would seriously love to be there, it's more of a "crap I have a ton of stuff I procrastinated for a day and a half that I should definitely get on" kind of thing. I just requested to join the FB group; are 'pinups here a fairly regular occurence?

Plant Fire

@Countess Maritza I moved here in June and have gone to about one a month. I think there are going to be more now because the book club is once a month and I want to try and organize a pinup a month. There are also miny pinups in Queens and Brooklyn sometimes, I've only been to one of the Queens ones and 0 of the Brooklyn ones.

TRiggins

Is anyone a member of a Hash House Harriers running club? I'm thinking about joining the one in Boston, because I a) am new to town and want to meet new people and b)enjoy being active and also drinking a lot, so the two things combined sound amazing. However, I am a slow runner, get lost easily, and am freaked out thinking about showing up alone to the first event. Any members want to tell me this is the best thing ever (or worst and that I should stay away?)? Any Boston pinners interested in checking a run out with me?

JanieS

I think chopping off all my hair was the best decision I made this year, so far. Also, my continued OKCupiding has resulted in someone willing to see Hansel & Gretel & Hansel's Arms this weekend.

I'm definitely calling this week a win. \o/

raised amongst catalogs

(un)Employment woes, continued: I applied for and got two interviews for a job last fall. I was SO SURE I was getting hired -- the atmosphere was great and everyone was ridiculously friendly -- but then they sent a letter saying that they had decided to shuffle their employees around rather than hiring. I was all of the sads about it and still haven't found a place that will a) contact me after I submit a resume or b) be as nice and warm and friendly. The letter said that they really had so many strongly qualified applicants and that they'd keep my info on file for a year and contact me if something changed. So I was looking at the want ads online yesterday and guess what? THEY ARE HIRING AND IT IS ALMOST THE SAME JOB I APPLIED FOR BUT A LITTLE BETTER. And they didn't contact me, but they put an ad online!??! It made me feel rejected all over again, and like they lied to spare my feelings. But then how come they had me come in twice and they also paid for me to take a "strengths assessment" to see how I like to do my job. I re-applied, which felt sad and desperate, and now I'm going back into round one (group interview) all over again.

lobsterhug

@raised amongst catalogs I feel like HR people just say that to make people feel better but they don't actually review their old prospects when they have openings.

It stinks having to reapply, but I'm sure you'll do great this time around as well!

raised amongst catalogs

@lobsterhug Thank you! The good thing about going through the process again is that I know what to expect and am not going to be super anxious.

vunder

@raised amongst catalogs Good luck! I totally agree that it is rare for anyone to actually reach out if they are hiring again, but if they liked you, it seems likely that you'll be in good standing to land it this time. This happened to me on my first very first job (applied, didn't get it, got it the next time).

raised amongst catalogs

@vunder That makes me feel much better!

supernintendochalmers

@raised amongst catalogs I think "we'll keep your resume on file" is the "let's be friends" of hiring. Meaning: Don't feel rejected twice! Just apply again, and I bet you'll have a good shot.

raised amongst catalogs

@supernintendochalmers You are all the best people. Thanks for the encouragement!

whizz_dumb

Question: When you ladies first start dating someone, do you resist the urge to text them? I don't like to play games and I'm horrible at hard-to-get (easy-to-get? I'm a slut) but I feel like I need to dial it down or scale back my genuine enthusiasm, at least in the beginning, to refrain from seeming overly eager--which I may or may not actually be...right now.

raised amongst catalogs

@whizz_dumb "Be still when you have nothing to say. When genuine passion moves you, say what you've got to say, and say it hot." - D.H. Lawrence

255
255

@whizz_dumb When in doubt, don't.

par_parenthese

@whizz_dumb I do the same thing! Do you have a friend you could enlist to text instead? Tell him/her your predicament and ask if you can text him/her whenever you have an urge to text New Person? I wouldn't suggest journaling because for me, at least, that quickly leads to putting too much emotional emphasis on my relationship with this person. I need distraction.

(It would also be hilarious if you just posted all the things you wanted to text to New Person here in FOT. Out of context texts to a stranger! Kidding. Mostly. ;))

katiemcgillicuddy

@raised amongst catalogs Wow, that is awesome.

whizz_dumb

@par_parenthese "Do you like MST3K? There's a live show happening and I want to go and I asked my buds but they don't want to go on a date with me. I know we just had our first date the other night and I don't want to seem too eager, but let's be honest, we both nailed it."

say she likes MST3K...

"What's your favorite one? Mine is Final Sacrifice with ROWSDOWER."

"Whoa! just found out it's on amazon prime streaming for free! Let's watch it sometime."

This might be working. I got it out there at least.

whizz_dumb

@raised amongst catalogs Yeah, those really are words to live by.

par_parenthese

@whizz_dumb I LOVE YOU.

Reginal T. Squirge

Motherfucking ROWSDOWER!

highfivesforall

@whizz_dumb ROWSDOWER! I think you should go for it, on the off chance she likes MST3K and would be mad in the future that you didn't tell her about the show.

raised amongst catalogs

@katiemcgillicuddy It was my dating mantra for years, along with this gem from Stephen Dunn: "I've had it with all stingy-hearted sons of bitches. A heart is to be spent."

katiemcgillicuddy

@raised amongst catalogs That's great, too! I definitely maybe texted dudefriend upon reading it, and I gotta say, it was a pretty good text, so thanks! ;)

raised amongst catalogs

@katiemcgillicuddy Any time, my friend.

Bloodrocuted

@whizz_dumb My neighbor texted me instead of her exboyfriend. I would get about seven unprompted texts a day. Just random stuff. It made me really like her, because she seemed familiar and available. Maybe if you want someone who likes lots of text, give her lots of texts and see if she likes it.

whizz_dumb

@Bloodrocuted Good call. This is happening as we speak, nay, as we open thread comment. Once the ball gets rolling on a topic, I usually try to make a joke out of it because I feel that text messages should rarely get serious. She's saying how busy she is and I'm like "I identify with that...blah blah" then got to the point where I could joke that she needs a personal assistant and friends need to make appointments with me a month in advance.

It's the part where I'm persistently like, "What about this day? Let's hangout this day" that is annoying, I annoy myself. So it's a tough stage (for everyone?) to get through: scheduling that second date.

*This over-analysis brought to you by caffeine and an undeserved extended work break.

Reginal T. Squirge

This entire thread is exactly why I stopped doing gchat.

Plant Fire

NYC PINUP TONIGHT!!! Don't forget! It's at HiFi bar and while I am heading straight there from work at 5 (probably arrive at like 6pm?) you are welcome to come whenever! I promise you'll like it.

Diana

SAN FRANCISCO HAIRPINNERS!!

I have been thinking about trying out Mission Cliffs for a while. Right now if you get a membership, they wave the initiation fee, so it's just the $71 monthly dues. They don't make you sign a contract, so if you don't like it, no big deal. I want to join this week while it's still cheap and spend February rock climbing. The only thing is I've never done it before and I need a rock climbing partner! Are there any SF 'Pinners who either go rock climbing or want to try it with me? Let's be rock climbing friends, please!!

JanieS

@Diana Hey, can you tell me more? I'm in SF, and this sounds like it might be cool but I can't really afford fancy shoes and ... gloves? carabiners?

stonefruit

@Diana I'm very into climbing things but have always been a little put-off by what I perceive to be climbing culture (it's probably not even a thing, and I'm probably just being weird). But Mission Cliffs is really close to my house! And I'm very interested in trying it out but have always been intimidated by the gear stuff too! So, yeah, more information maybe?

lisma

@Diana I used to go the the affiliate locations in Berkeley and Oakland. You can rent shoes so you don't have to commit to anything other than the membership fee; the shoes can be sort of expensive. Do you know if you want to do bouldering or lead climbing?

Diana

@JanieS

You can rent errthang! If you look at the pricing page, you can show up and rent everything you need for $5. And I don't know about the climbing culture but I've never done this before, so be a newcomer with me! Also, their whole deal is that they offer/require a ROCK CLIMBING 101 workshop that gets held a few times a day. They'll show you how to make all the gear work and triple-check to make sure you won't hurt yourself, and once they've taught you how not to die, you can climb for the rest of the day. Read about it on the pricing page (scroll down to the bottom).

laurel

@Diana I don't live in SFran anymore, but I learned to climb at Mission Cliffs. Unless you're going with someone who's already cleared to belay (that's holding onto the other end of the rope while your companion climbs so you can catch them if they fall) you'll have to take the climbing 101 course and have the instructor approve your belaying technique (it's easy-peasy but important!).

As for the climbing culture, yeah, there's a bit of it (they're just so pleased with themselves) but mostly I found it to be a beginner-friendly place.

So fun! Sigh, now I'm all nostalgic.

Faintly Macabre

@laurel Yeah, if you belay wrong, you might get the carabiner clamped shut on the skin of the thumb that's holding the rope that's holding your climbing partner 40 feet off the ground!

Not that I've ever done that, obviously.

laurel

@Faintly Macabre Ow ow ow. Yeah, I have hurt myself any number of ways climbing. Like the time my foot slipped off a hold and I slammed my knee into the wall, leaving me with a MASSIVE black bruise, the sight of which so horrified my then-boyfriend that he asked me to put on pants. Or the time in Joshua Tree where I left bloody streaks on the wall from the rough rock. I felt like such a badass! (Wasn't really a badass at all.)

Faintly Macabre

@laurel That sounds pretty badass to me! Like Dread Pirate Roberts climbing the Cliffs of Insanity!

thenotestaken

@Diana Hey! I'm late to this thread but I'm from SF (not living there currently) and I definitely want to put in a good word for Mission Cliffs. I actually am into bouldering, which I recommend as a less-intimidating way to break into the climbing world. It's a lot less intensive in terms of equipment and training since all you need are shoes, and also since it doesn't require a partner I find that 1) I go a lot more often since I don't need to schedule with someone else and 2) people are way more communal/talkative since everyone isn't paired up already! I was in SF for three weeks over the holidays and bouldered solo at MC a bunch and even in that short amount of time I made a bunch of climbing friends and even got taken on a couple dates by a guy I met there, haha. Anyway, just something to consider, and MC has a great bouldering area!

whateverlolawants

Whoever told me about 750words.com (I'll look it up later and figure out who), THANK YOU! It has seriously changed my life. If any of you want motivating for journalling, do it.

coolallison

@whateverlolawants Holy shit! What an awesome website!

planforamiracle

@whateverlolawants I preach like crazy about that site (even though I don't stick to it much anymore) so I wonder if it was me :D It rules, glad it is working for you!

JanieS

@whateverlolawants WHAT IS THIS MAGIC.

Chareth Cutestory

@whateverlolawants I LOVE that site.

alannaofdoom

Just found out that my best friend is coming to NYC TONIGHT on a last-minute (REALLY LAST MINUTE) escape from her "real life." She's had a rough year and is now dealing with two (of three) poly relationships blowing up in the same week.

I am going to stock up on chocolate, lock the door, and make her watch Veronica Mars until she forgets her troubles.

par_parenthese

@alannaofdoom You are a good friend.

pajamaralls

A bunch of my friends hung out on MLK day and played board games and got drunk off homemade mead. I'm so sad/jealous that I couldn't join them and I was stuck at home, without a job/money/a car.

But it makes me really happy that my friends get drunk of mead and it devolves into a mash of people shouting in German/Japanese/English.

255
255

I am the dating queen. Been on like 8 dates in the past 2 weeks. I think one might be sticking. I at least satisfied my lady needs, thank god, it had been since September. But I'm behind on work, got a cold in the process (thank god its been gone since Wed). And tonight and tomorrow, dancing! Friends! Wheee!

odd number

And completely out of left field: Anyone been to Kuala Lumpur or anywhere in Nepal? Thoughts? Recs for accommodations?

Faintly Macabre

@odd number I have basically no input except for that my aunt and uncle whent to Nepal last year and loved it. A lot of their traveling is boring go-stay-in-luxurious-hotel traveling, but I got really jealous when my aunt described their trip.

Tuna Surprise

@odd number

I went to KL a few years ago when my brother lived there. We stayed at Le Méridien Kuala Lumpur (we had starwood rewards points so we stayed for free). It was a nice hotel. The location was pretty good - close to transit links which were very convenient and across from the bird sanctuary. I highly recommend the bird sanctuary. Going to the petronas towers was fun and to the big market in city center. It's out in the burbs a bit but I loved going to the Royal Selangor pewter factory (but I love the whole 'how it's made' angle).

lisma

So, I mentioned last week that I had gone on a really great date with a dude who looks like Lee Pace. It was suggested to me that I "climb him like a handsome tree." And I totally did, so thanks for that suggestion! We're planning on going out again on Sunday.

raised amongst catalogs

@lisma I'm grinning like a crazy grinning person. That's so great.

lisma

@raised amongst catalogs Awwww, thanks. And me too, sorta! Which is embarrassing, because I don't like it when I like people.

255
255

@lisma YAY SEX!

JanieS

@lisma Then you're having pie, right? I think pie is indicated here.

P.S. BOOYAH!

lisma

@JanieS well he's the Piemaker, isn't he?

yeah-elle

@lisma Haha, I'm the one who suggested you climb him, and I'm sooo glad you did! You go lady, get you a slice of that handsome pie.

lisma

@yeah-elle thank you! it was the best idea ever.

hellomynameis

painting woes! so, i am moving in a few weeks, and the building just painted the apartment white before i had a chance to ask if i could buy paint and have them paint a different color. they will charge a lot of money to repaint the entire apartment, but i could still buy paint and do it myself. only i'm pregnant and don't know how to paint. i just want to paint baby's room gray, but husband thinks that's the same as white. and if we're painting one room, we might as well paint the rest of the place, too, right?
how much does a can of paint cost anyway? and do i need primer if i'm painting over fresh white walls?

EpWs

@hellomynameis You should not need primer I don't think. You should maybe not be doing the painting yourself because fetus? Gray is definitely not the same as white. Check with the apartment and see if they'll still charge you--sometimes if you paint it, they'll charge you a fee because they'll repaint it white when you leave. If you are going to paint, do it now before you have furniture and a baby around. Good luck!

Mandalas

@hellomynameis There's no need for a primer for a gray, especially if it's a lighter gray. You really only need to use primer for darker/brighter colors or to cover up dark/bright/messy under-colors. Assuming that the baby room is about 10x10 you'd need a about a little less than a gallon of paint. A gallon of paint usually costs a little more or a little less than 20 bucks.

raised amongst catalogs

@hellomynameis Gray couldn't be less like white, husband! When I painted my room gray, you would not believe how many paint samples I looked at to find just the right shade. Dove gray, greige, blue-ish gray, purple gray, wintery gray, etc. It's my favorite color!

up cubed

@hellomynameis And maybe consider painting an "accent wall" first, to see if you like the color and to save yourself the effort of painting all the walls? The flip side is that it is easiest to paint before the room is filled with stuff...

saul "the bear" berenson

@hellomynameis Get lots of samples! The little piece of paper w/ the color on it is NOT the same as paint on your walls. Get tons and tons of little paint samples, put them on the walls, and see how they look - at different times of day. And if you pick a color and you don't like it, you can always change it. Painting is great. But def do some research. Apartment Therapy has a lot of great posts that will help, and they'll have great recommendations about shades of grey and stuff. Grey is so great for a nursery, it will be wonderful!

lynzillla

@hellomynameis is it shiny white? because then you will need primer. i didnt use it when i moved in my place and i was just smearling the paint all around :-/

katiemcgillicuddy

Bitch about/brag about ya sports here.

Is there any chance that anyone else woke up at 4 am to watch Murray/Federer this morning? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Also, haha, the Lakers suck.

Finally, I think we might actually get a good Super Bowl this year!

lisma

@katiemcgillicuddy Awww Lakers. I can't even talk about it. Is it a case of too many cooks spoiling the broth?

I'm looking forward to the Super Bowl, entirely because I live in the Bay Area and people are losing their minds.

bitchycrosstownexpress

@katiemcgillicuddy I am having SO MUCH FUN with the Lakers schadenfreude, I really didn't know I disliked them this much. Although being a Knicks fan and watching D'Antoni implode with someone else (while the Knicks are not imploding! Yet!) is part of it.

pajamaralls

@katiemcgillicuddy The impending slog of no college football AND no NFL means I won't watch sports until the fall.

Wait, I'll watch so much March Madness.

meetapossum

@katiemcgillicuddy What are you trying to say about last year's Super Bowl, huh??? Did my Giants not trounce the Patriots?

katiemcgillicuddy

@bitchycrosstownexpress It really is hilarious. I like D'Antoni (not a Knicks fan, so) and understand why they hired him, but boy is it lookin like they should have gone with Phil. It turns out maybe getting these guys to mesh personality-wise WAS more important than x's and o's.

@lisma Ah, I know it sucks when your team is losing, but it's hard for the rest of us not to laugh when the freaking Lakers and their loaded squad can't win. I'm not sure what it is exactly, Howard is coming back so that's good (at least, you'd think it would be, sounds like he's being a brat for the most part). If they shore up the defense maybe they'll be okay.

Ah, I bet it's fun out there with the 9ers in it, enjoy it!

katiemcgillicuddy

@pajamaralls I will put March Madness in a bowl and eat it for breakfast every day when it gets here. It's basically the only way I get through February.

Theda Baranowski

@katiemcgillicuddy I did a tiny fistpump in the elevator the morning after the Patriots lost. I might not live in New York anymore but apparently hating the Patriots is eternal.

OhMarie

@lisma People are also fully losing their minds in Baltimore. It's pretty amazing.

Even my mother, a fervent Not Carer of Sports, told me wistfully about how great it was to live in a city that is so excited about their sports team. Her anecdote is about living in Pittsburgh when the Steelers were in the Super Bowl in the 70s and she went outside while it was on and could just walk down the middle of the highway.

katiemcgillicuddy

@meetapossum Haha, yes, that was great, except I HATE the Giants, as I am obligated to do so by my Redskins fandom, and I've probably admitted this before, but there is a picture of Eli Manning in dudefriend's bedroom and that just makes the whole thing worse, (this a grown-ass 33 year old man we're talking about, with an otherwise completely grownup looking house) Watching the Pats fail is always fun, though.

Diana

@katiemcgillicuddy

Do you think if San Francisco can win the World Series AND the Super Bowl in the same year, ESPN will finally give the Bay Area its own page? Fuck East Coast Bias. :(

katiemcgillicuddy

@OhMarie Baltimore is one of the greatest sportstowns in America. There are few sports-things more exciting than being out at the Baltimore bars when the Ravens are winning playoff games.

katiemcgillicuddy

@Diana Is the Bay Area New York or Boston? Because otherwise, no, they will not. I guess they have that and, what, Dallas and Chicago? Screw ESPN, we don't need em (except they are kind of the only game in town which suuuuuuuuucks)

katiemcgillicuddy

@Theda Baranowski It's just something that burrows itself in your heart and lives forever.

lisma

@katiemcgillicuddy *sigh* I know. It is very humbling (for lack of a better word) to see your team have some of the best players in the NBA and still can't get their shit together. Have you seen Kobe's twitter?

katiemcgillicuddy

@lisma I have not, but I have heard it is sad, and something about "Moonlight Sonata". I think I'll go check it out.

ayo nicole

@katiemcgillicuddy I DIDN'T WAKE UP because I'm exhausted from waking up for everything else over the past two weeks. I'm officially quitting this tournament because I don't like Andy or Novak. Did you watch?!

katiemcgillicuddy

@ayo nicole I did, my brother texted me a reminder and I dragged myself out of bed. I also watched the Djok/Ferrer match the night before, and am a little woozy from the lack of sleep. I figure I'm a crappy sleeper anyway, screw it. Today's match was super fun, though, worth the grogginess. Ha, I keep hearing people say that, I like Andy and Novak, but hey, what do I know, if it were up to me, James Blake would be in every major final just so I could stare at him.

ayo nicole

@katiemcgillicuddy I set an alarm for the Novak/David, assuming it would last at least a few hours...and then I woke up during the last game. When did Novak get to be so GOOD? He and Andy both annoy me for no good reason. I love Roger, though, who you'd think would be the most annoying since he's a robot and all.
Don't get me started on James Blake. He is my everything.

granny squares

@katiemcgillicuddy NINERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRS!!!

Sometimes my SO and I just whisper "Super Bowl" to each other, appropos of nothing.

katiemcgillicuddy

@ayo nicole He's a freak that Djoker, I love him. Yeah, the match was less than 90 mins, I was pretty disappointing, Ferrer usually brings it.

James Blake 4eva.

katiemcgillicuddy

@granny squares Ha! That's great. I'd be breaking out my old Steve Young jersey (as a baby Redskins fan, I had an obsession with Steve, it makes me feel a little guilty now but, how could you watch that man play and not love him?) if it weren't for the fact that too many of my best buddies live and die by the Ravens, but enjoy the game and the build-up towards it!

granny squares

@katiemcgillicuddy I understand -- and yes, totally agreed on the Steve Young playing thing. I have been enjoying watching Kaepernick. Whatever you might say about him, he makes it look so fun. :D

I wish my baby 49ers starter jacket still fit me.

RK Fire

@OhMarie I am struggling to find the appropriate set of purple string lights to hang outside of my apartment. (I live on a pretty well trafficed block corner.) I love Baltimore during playoff time. And the fact that I can say "playoff time" is something I'm grateful for.

The only downside is that I've been invited to two super bowl parties that I have to decline for the sake of superstition. And honestly, I think sports bars when your city is in a big game > football party that might have 40-50% of unenthusiastic/lukewarm football fans.

katiemcgillicuddy

@granny squares He's great fun to watch, boy this rookie class (and Kaepernick, close enough) of QBs has been fun to watch, no? As far as the big game goes, Joe "Fuck It (Im Chuckin' It)" Flacco vs. Colin "I Told You So" Kaepernick is something I feel pretty good about. Boy, those teams that skipped over him in the draft must feel like morons now.

area@twitter

@katiemcgillicuddy RAVENS RAVENS CAW CAW CAW
Love it. Loving it, as a Bawlmer Hon. There's a billboard on I-83 (my road to/from work) that reads "Ray's Retirement Party Moved to Feb. 3 (New England Not Invited)". That made me laugh pretty hard. Going to be so much fun to watch that game. And I finished knitting my Ravens playoff scarf! I'll be wearing it all next week. Since it was such good luck this year, I've decided I need to do a Skins playoff scarf for next season.

katiemcgillicuddy

@area@twitter It kills me to watch anyone other than the Redskins do well, but I just can't help but root for the Ravens (after many years of pure resentment). Please knit a million Skins playoff scarves immediately.

honey cowl

@katiemcgillicuddy I am still too depressed from the simultaneous losses of the Broncos & the Seahawks to even consider being excited for the Super Bowl.

RK Fire

@all: guys, I am so excited about next week that I'm even watching the pro bowl for the sake of seeing some football this week. If that is what you want to call this.

katiemcgillicuddy

@katiemcgillicuddy The pro-bowl is just a distraction from hockey and basketball. Ugh, you have neither up there, do you (adopt the Wiz and the Caps! Ha ha, okay, at least adopt the Caps).

LeafySeaDragon

IT'S SNOWING LIKE WHOA

i'm fighting off the cold that will never end. but all together hiding inside while it snows is kind of awesome.

raised amongst catalogs

@LeafySeaDragon Here too! Temps in Michigan have been disgusting this last week but the snow makes it more bearable -- at least, prettier. Off to make some hot cocoa!

Claire Zulkey@twitter

This is a postscript to the baby breaking up your marriage story. That while having a baby is very hard, you can also put him in things like this:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/zulkey/8406654782/in/photostream

So it's a wash.

Theda Baranowski

@Claire Zulkey@twitter Initially I was wanting babies so I could name them (Tamsin Grace is my current theoretical daughter.)

But now I want to embarrass the hypotheticals with pierogi shirts so they can be embarrassed when they reach the tween years.

Claire Zulkey@twitter

@Theda Baranowski I bought that onesie at a Pierogi Festival where I had always figured "If I get pregnant I am buying one of those onesies." It's good to have goals.

granny squares

@Claire Zulkey@twitter Awww! That is an adorable pierogi.

paper bag princess

I had a job interview yesterday for a job that I really want and I think it went really well! Also, my horoscope said that yesterday would be a lucky day, and I had a double-yolk egg for breakfast which I chose to interpret as an omen of good luck.

Now comes the horrible part of WAITING ALL WEEKEND TO FIND OUT IF I GOT IT. I don't know how I'm going to make it! aaaaaaah!

Bloodrocuted

@lizzle They are good luck. If not the job, something else is on the horizon.

Chareth Cutestory

@lizzle Haha, I just learned that thing about double-yolk eggs being lucky earlier this week! I didn't even know that happened. Good luck with the job!

mangosara

bawww you guys, does anybody have advice re: significant others and the job search? mine is having a tough go of it and his short-term fellowship is ending (he thought he would get a chance to renew for another six months but it's probably not going to work out) and it's such a bummer I don't know what to dooooo.

whizz_dumb

@mangosara Do: Sympathize and be somewhat optimistic, definitely supportive, "You're talented and awesome, something great will turn up." Let them be bummed out and be understanding. Don't: over-dramatize and make it worse.

I'm no expert but figured I'd chime in.

mittens blum

@mangosara I am really amused that you posted right before my comment also about job hunting. How to be nice to an unemployed person really varies because what is nice and supportive to some codes as condescending and annoying to others, but it's sort of like, take all the things that people say you do as a "good significant other" but slightly moreso? Be supportive! Reassure them they are a valuable person and not just a lump on the couch, maybe spring for dinner out somewhere if they haven't moved in a few days and you can afford to treat. I personally cannot stand it when my boyfriend tries to come up with things for me to do during the day because I get very "don't tell me not to spend 3 hours on Tumblr! you don't know my life!" but I imagine that for some people it could be helpful to work on a list of weekly goals together.

Porn Peddler

@mangosara I've gone through this several times in the last year and a half (just like everyone else) and for us, what worked was...talking about/doing other things. I always asked, pretty generally, about his day, and if he volunteered information about an interview or a temp agency or something, I very, very gently probed for whatever information he wanted to surrender. Mister Peddler isn't Mister Mango so I don't know how he responds to things like this, but Mister is NOT. A TALKER. and tends to withdraw or snap when he feels like he's under pressure or obligation. So I mostly stayed out of his hair about it, even when I was going nucking futs of over finances. Nobody feels worse about unemployment than the unemployed person, and they have advice and interrogation coming at them from every goddman direction, so as a partner, I stayed out of it as much as possible. Rather than focusing on the unemployment, I just tried to be extra strong and fun? Like hey mister let's make potato latkes and watch mean girls! let's go hiking let's blah blah blah.

mittens blum

Currently in search of! 1) fun volunteer opportunities or other ways to be forced out of my house for free in Boston, 2) tips for not projecting my constant need for external validation on the boyfriend, because unemployment + not knowing many people in a new city + seasonal depression is just a trifecta of "how to fuck up your relationship dynamic."

In exchange I offer these adorable Scottish tourism photos of ponies in sweaters.

mangosara

@mittens blum Ponies!! In sweaters!! Also I live in Boston! We have many similar interests, kind of? I wish I could help you on the Boston front but my short answer is, I have no idea. The ICA (Institute of Contemporary Art) and the MFA (Museum of Fine Art) are both free one evening a week/month, I think? Most of my other Boston recommendations involve being outside which is decidedly Not A Good Idea Right Now. On days when I'm feeling particularly in need of getting out of the house I usually pick a place and go to a coffee shop nearby because you can get a coffee for $2 and it will bring you to somewhere you haven't been.

mangosara

@mangosara also when the weather DOES get a little bit nicer slash if we get a nice sunny day you should totally try out some of the touristy stuff we have. especially the Freedom Trail. such nerdy fun! you might also try going to the Boston Public Library and doing some general wandering (plus that will put you in Copley Square)... or BREWERY TOURS. I think Sam Adams might be free (or donation based) and Harpoon is like $4, but they only do theirs on weekends.

luna848

@mittens blum Do you know that you can simply show up at the MSPCA ANY time you want (well when it's open) and pet as many animals as you please??? I was in Boston 2 full years before I found out about this, and then it was a few more months before I believed something that incredible could be true. You can also apply to volunteer there regularly, but you have to get lucky with the timing. They say it may be a few weeks before they get back to you, but it's been almost 3 months for me. (This MSPCA thing is super exciting to me.)
Also AIDS Action Committee is a great organization with lots of volunteering options. 826 Boston is a really great place also. They can end up with too many volunteers sometimes b/c of all the college students trying to volunteer, but weekdays are easier to get into and it sounds like you can do that. 826 is probably the best place to make friends - there are a lot of undergrad volunteers but also lots of grad students and some young professionals. They might at least be able to give you more tips for what to do around Boston For more options, check out the various college websites and find their community service pages - totally take advantage of the resources from having them around.
And if you're still bored, you should make sure to explore each neighborhood. I don't know where you live, but JP, South End, North End, Fenway, etc., etc. are all completely different and have their own fun things to do/see, so you should google good things in each and take a trip out there.
Hope that helps. I love Boston! Hopefully you'll get comfortable there soon :)

mangosara

@luna848 also, as somebody who lives across the rivah I would encourage you to spend some time in Cambridge/Somerville along the red line, too!

almighty jugs

@mittens blum I don't live anywhere near Boston but BY GOD, THOSE PONIES. I am in Scotland rn and I want to go to there where there = Shetland.

mittens blum

@mangosara - it is SO COLD. I was great at being an unemployed person last time this happened to me and then I realized it was because it was summer and there are free outdoor things everywhere in summer. I haven't investigated the possibility of free museum days though, so that is a good idea! Also libraries! I am actually also across the river so sometimes the concept of "maybe you could get on the T and go to that city nearby" doesn't register.

@luna848 - AS MANY ANIMALS AS I PLEASE? You have changed my life. Your other suggestions also sound great, thank you! I am just hung up on PETTING ALL OF THE ANIMALS NOW.

Silence Carew

Because a lot of people are posting about jobs, I am coming out of years of hiding to say that right now I sort of wish I was a Puritan, because they at least didn't have to worry about the craziness of academic job searching. After 5 interviews at the start of the month, I am now reduced to sitting and waiting for my phone to ring, which it is refusing to do. So I don't know if I am rejected from all of them and they just aren't telling people, or if decisions haven't been made yet, despite being given a 2 week timeline at the initial interview. I am so worried that I am not even coherent in writing comments. Basically, just ahhh! And help. And sympathy to anyone else in this mind-fuck of a situation.

JanieS

@Silence Carew First things first- I love your name.

The waiting-for-the-phone-to-ring things is THE WORST. (On top of the job-hunting, which is already the worst.) You have my sympathies.

In my experience, people don't call to tell you when you don't get the job. If you've sent your thank-yous and your follow-ups and they're still not contacting you, chances are that the job is not yours. Which sucks. (Exceptions would be in the case of academic institutions and other organizations with glacial HR.)

Silence Carew

@JanieS Thank you! The Puritan baby name list was full of tempting suggestions!

Unfortunately this is in the case of academic institutions, and I am not even waiting for the job...I am waiting for the opportunity for a campus interview. So chances are you're right and I haven't gotten any of them, but I keep clinging to hope because I know how slow things can be. But the hope is annoying too.

Thank you for welcoming me to the commentariat, though. I feel better for ranting into the internet void a bit.

anachronistique

@Silence Carew UGH the academic job market is THE ABSOLUTE PITS. You have my sympathies, I have a few friends going through this right now. And they can take forever to come back with even good news, so you're just tortured for EVEN LONGER. Butts.

Also, welcome!

JanieS

@Silence Carew No lie, I have gotten "the position has been filled" notices a FULL YEAR after applying to/having phone interviews for jobs at academic institutions. (H8 U, Harvard! Just kidding, please let me work in your libraries!)

crango

@JanieS Academic institutions are the worst when it comes to notifications on job applications! They make you wait soooo looooong! Although, I did put in an online application to the Culinary Institute of America and got a rejection email less than five hours later. Part of me wants to commend them on not wasting my time, but my ego does wish they would have waited at least a day.

withatwist

This is really shallow, but I need some sane-person advice.
I'm getting married, in front of a large group of people (my original suggestion was to elope but that was shot down by everyone, most vehemently by the person I'm marrying). I'm getting excited about all of it and have more or less found the sweet spot of not doing all of the things I think are weird or stupid. But bouquets have now come up. They are pretty. I like pretty. I also feel like they are kind of superflous and I might not even walk down the aisle as 200 people stare at me. We might just hang out together. If anyone has opinions on bouquets, please share them. Or processionals. The wedding part of the internet is terrifying.

OhMarie

@withatwist Maybe a smallish bouquet? They are pretty and they don't need to be big. I had a "processional" that was literally me and my dad (mom didn't want to) walking through a tent flap and then, like, 3 feet. And then the bouquet was gone. But it was lovely, looked good in pictures, and I dried it so I actually still have it which is cool.

Mandalas

@withatwist Maybe make a bouquet out of something that isn't flowers? I read offbeatbride.com even though I'm not getting married anytime soon. The best bouquet ever I saw posted there was made out of iced sugar cookies on sticks. ICED! SUGAR! COOKIES!

laurel

@withatwist They give you something to do with your hands. You know, other than puttin' a ring on it.

withatwist

Thanks! If I have a bouquet of not-flowers I will post pictures.

RK Fire

@withatwist I made my bouquet because I had talked myself into a thing where I was like "I am going to DIY my bouquet! Flower industrial complex = bad! Cost of proper bouquet= extreme! and then they die anyway!" (I get into these fits sometime.) I realized after buying the fabric that I didn't know the provenance of the fabric, so the social equity side of things was lost. And also I could've bought the bouquet from a local green florist, but by then it was too late. I figured, hey, I like being crafty so this'll be my DIY thing. So after two days of folding fabric and glue gun craziness, I made my bouquet. And then, at the wedding, I lost track of it because I got drunk. And honestly? I didn't miss it very much, although it ended up in the back of a friend's car and I think it still lives there.

TL;DR: you will be happy (hopefully) just to be married and to never, ever have to plan a wedding again. Get the bouquet if it makes you happy. :)

Re. the processional: my mom walked me down the aisle because I'm estranged from my dad.. uh.. my husband walked his mom down the aisle. That was pretty much it. We didn't really have a wedding party, which irked my sister but she didn't really tell me after the fact. (And she didn't really include my family at all in the processional when she got married so I didn't realize it would be an issue.)

My husband and I went super hipster Baltimore and our processional song was Winter's Love by Animal Collective.

ETA: I am a bit drunk right now since it is cold and slushy outside. Check out A Practical Wedding (if you haven't already) for one of the few sane corners of the Wedding Internet. ("Wedternet"? "Weddingwebs"?)

raised amongst catalogs

@Mandalas Oh, I love that idea -- just in general; I'm not getting married. You could incorporate feathers! Or make a bouquet out of party horns (I had to look up "noisemakers" to find out what the proper name is for the paper ones that roll out and say "FWEEEEE!" when you blow into them, because in my house we always called those fwee-ers). But cookies have it all over feathers and party horns because you can eat cookies.

anachronistique

@withatwist ThinkGeek is now selling a bouquet of unicorns, if that's more your speed.

EpWs

@withatwist I've been making coffee filter flowers as decorations for a friend's wedding, and they're pretty simple as long as you tell floral tape to fuck the hell off because it is the devil. But there are paper flower tutorials all over the interwebs, so if you're interested in that route, lotsa options! Pros: you can make them literally anytime between now and the wedding, if they get weirded out you can make more, you can do them in any color you'd like.

Cons: They are not unicorns.

harebell

@withatwist
Yes, bouquets! They are so pretty, and they link you back to a very long history of marriage rituals -- probably a longer than anything but the vows themselves.
I made my own bouquet for my run-off-to-the-courthouse-and-get-hitched wedding. I guess it helped that I already had some amateur experience arranging flowers for myself, and I knew and liked my local florist, but it would be pretty easy for just about anyone. Just find a flower or two you really love as the central point of your bouquet, and then add other flowery and planty things around it to show it off to good effect. Them's the basics. I told my florist it had to be a bouquet, so he bound it up for my with some florist's tape and elastics, and that was that! Making your own is cheap, and it also felt very personal and nicely solitary/meditative to do it by myself before the event.
If you live in the Boston area, I would totally meet you at a good place like Brattle Florist and help you put one together! Just reply if you'd like that. And good luck!

LeafySeaDragon

@withatwist bouquets are HEAVY!!!!! i was my mothers maid of honor and i had to hold hers AND mine and just about broke my wrists. wedding wrist corsages? be a trend setter!

Theda Baranowski

After yet another Everything You Do Is Wrong week at my temp job, I am seriously considering screwing this almost ten year old career and becoming a bartender.

Theda Baranowski

@Theda Baranowski I mean, the customers won't complain because I didn't put the articles in reverse-chronological order, right? Seriously, I got an email this afternoon that read:

"Theda,

Somehow the articles for 2011 are in chronological order. Could you fix this?"

Inkling

@Theda Baranowski

(This line is called the salutation, where you can put "hello" or "hi" or "greetings")

Somehow you, for 2011 and nearly 10 years, are a giant butthole. Could you fix this?

Doesn't hurt to ask but probably not (this is the closing; such as "thank you" or "have a nice day")

Theda

xx

And then go be a bartender.

katiemcgillicuddy

WHOA, I don't know how I forgot about this! I went with a buddy to see Jessie Ware the other night in D.C. and she is FUCKING AMAZING PLEASE CHECK HER OUT. Has anyone else seen her live because YES.

lasso tabasco

YOU GUYS YOU GUYS! I just booked a two week trip to Croatia for the end of the summer! It will be my first Adult Vacation that I'm taking from my full-time job and omg I am soooooooo excited. Has anyone been to Dubrovnik?

luna848

@lasso tabasco That sounds awesome!!! I haven't been to Dubrovnik but I totally want to go.

Ladies Who Punch

@lasso tabasco I've never been to Dubrovnik, but there is an adorable Liza Minnelli number set there: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dtJSLZnKCv0

Maybe you'll have a similar experience? ;)

harebell

@lasso tabasco
yes, and it is delightful, even if it is mostly rebuilt postwar! also, you should go to islands off the coast of dalmatia, for sure.

frigwiggin

Who wants to share their blogs/tumblrs with me? I don't have a tumblr but I follow some Pinner tumblrs/Pinnerblogs with Google Reader and I find them generally delightful and fun, and I want more!

granny squares

@frigwiggin I am a relatively new commenter (although I've been reading for quite awhile), so fwiw, here I am: http://bit.ly/UrpaWx :)

Kira-Lynn@twitter

@granny squares Hey the best tumblr I know is my partner's. He is RLJD. It is all about fat-positive ideas, hip-hop, feminism, and some photos of my dog. Sometimes funny stories about working in a coffee shop. Mine is risque: hottiesinanimalears . My less risque one is FeministRockstar

Slutface

I have social anxiety and am kind of a hermit. I like to go out, but I like to go out alone. I don't really want to change, but I've heard it's important to have friends and relationships, etc... I'm happy being alone. Is this bad?

JanieS

@Slutface I don't think this is bad! I mean, as long as you're happy with your life. If your social anxiety is preventing you from making connections with people and you WANT those connections, that's a different story.

fruiting body

@Slutface I'm the same way (although maybe not so extreme) and I've forged a happy medium by signing up for activities that I like where I see the same people every week. That way, I have activity-friends, and I know they like the same things I do, but I also don't have any pressure to invite them over for drinks or anything.

I also have a husband who forces me to go to social events, which I like less. We took a personality test the other day and I was in the 1st percentile for extraversion (so 99% of the world is more extroverted than me) and he was in the 84th. Somehow we are still compatible.

LeafySeaDragon

@Slutface eh. no freinds for going on 10 years now and i haven't shot anyone.

LeafySeaDragon

@fruiting body i have "yoga friends" and they are kind of awesome in a "hey whats up lets chit chat once a week" sort of way.

Decca

I got a new part-time job working in a cinema and the only thing I can say is that Django Unchained audiences are faaaaar messier than Les Mis audiences.

Inkling

@Decca
As in "out of control" or "covered in food" or "boogery from crying"?

ETA Oh wait I guess you mean like stuff left behind, nvm.

Decca

@Inkling Oh, nothing so dramatic. Just like, leaving beer bottles in the aisles and spilling popcorn everywhere.

Inkling

@Decca
'LEAST THEY GOT BETTER TASTE IN FILM.

no bricks

@Decca I'm excited for you! I worked at two different movie theatres and it was great!

...also I am unsurprised about your your messiness observations.

Verity

@Decca Congratulations -enjoy the money!

saul "the bear" berenson

Just coming here to say that I'm still in the office (In NYC) and I have so much more to do, I don't think I will ever leave. I may just live here, and only eat delivery from Seamless, and order toiletries from drugstore.com, and never ever leave. At least there is a bottle of wine here, that I am drinking, alone. Sad desk wine.

siniichulok

'Pinners who sew: if your sewing machine purportedly has knit stitches, does this mean you can really make garments out of knit fabric without a serger? I want to make maternity shirts, and much as I prefer non-stretch, woven fabric, it seems like knit stuff really is best for this purpose.

Tuna Surprise

@siniichulok
I guess it never hurts to try on a scrap piece and see how it works. For knits, I don't have a serger but I use a twin needle instead. Although not all machines acommodate a twin needle.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cpwNi0aMwa8

Here's a video that shows how. You would zig zag the raw edge and then top with the double needle.

siniichulok

@Tuna Surprise Thanks! I'm not sure if my machine has a twin needle but I will definitely look.

Elsajeni

@siniichulok Yes! I have done it. I made a pajama shirt out of a light jersey knit, and I didn't mess with a double needle either -- you do need to use a ballpoint needle, though.

Ladies Who Punch

Hopefully someone will read this all the way down here 500 comments in.

I recently started in with the LoseIt! App. I've lost a handful of pounds, but am eager to lose more. I know to start slowly, so I've been going at losing just 5 pounds at a time. Anyway, something that's been helpful is making connections with other people on the app & having them cheer me on like I do them; but I feel like there is a lack of real connection.

Maybe some pinners want to join & be friends with me? iknowrebekah at gmail. Also, if you for some magic reason have a paid account of it you want to make a 'Pinners group on the site? That would make me ever so happy.

This app is one of the first times in my adult life I've really lost weight & it's making me real happy. I just want clothes to flatter ever so much more. Is that too much to ask? ;)

Diana

@Ladies Who Punch

I don't really use the Loseit website but you should look into Fitocracy if you're starting to workout as well! There's a 'Pinners group on there.

Ladies Who Punch

@Diana I've sed Fitocracy & joined the awesome "pinners group too. The other app, LoseIt also tracks your food consumption which is the other half of the trouble with me. I like that they have a way to scan in your food if it has a bar code on it & also the ability to make recipes.

Thanks though.

Also, where in SF do you live? I'm in Noe.

Kira-Lynn@twitter

I am so excited to read the FOT. Here is what is going on with me: I worked over 11 hours today even though I have been sick all week, I work tomorrow, then Sunday I get to go to Florida! And just today I finalized plans to bring my dog with me. Yay! It is -40 degrees here with windchill, (C *OR* F) so I am excited to get to a warmer place.

RK Fire

@Kira-Lynn@twitter Oooh! Where are you going in Flordia?

Kira-Lynn@twitter

@Kira-Lynn@twitter Sarasota, to visit my mom. I am bringing my dog with me for the first time ever!

Derbel McDillet

So how early is too early to apply for jobs before you graduate? I went back to school for my MSW and have been working as a GA, but I graduate in May. I'm starting to see positions I'm interested in and don't wait to wait too long.

whateverlolawants

@Derbel McDillet I don't know "official" answers, but I'd go ahead and apply, and let them know when you're available, and ask if there are any upcoming openings. If you don't get the current positions, you'll be in the pipeline if you stay in touch.

supernintendochalmers

@Derbel McDillet It depends what industry you're in, but in my experience most places aren't looking more than a month in advance. Of course internships and special programs are different.

ImASadGiraffe

@Derbel McDillet My sister got her MSW a few years ago and she started applying for jobs about 2-3 months before she graduated. She actually ended up getting a full-time position where she did her internship, and they helped her get hours for her LCSW exam. Good luck!

Derbel McDillet

So how early is too early to apply for jobs before you graduate? I went back to school for my MSW and have been working as a GA, but I graduate in May. I'm starting to see positions I'm interested in and don't wait to wait too long.

Weasley

@Derbel McDillet

I don't see any harm in starting to apply now. Just make it clear that you will be graduating in May.

Danzig!

Hm, so I transferred into my MPA program such that I'm essentially a year into it, which means I need to know what my concentration is going to be... now. I was looking forward to exploring Public Health but the MPH program, as it happens, is separate and thus requires a separate application, the final deadline of which is in exactly one week. I think I'll probably take to environmental management (it's what my undergrad institution specialized in, really) but it's not as secure or lucrative a career track, and besides I really don't want to grow upppp.

Beyond that, an old friend got a v. cute haircut and I think I'm going to ask her out. Also I am drafting a piece to submit to Jane / Edith about the 2-year span during which I was under the spell of a fabulist. I guess I have to determine whether I should go with intense descriptions of the feelings involved (of which there were many), or a more remote examination of the general insanity that resulted. Who knows if they'll even take to it!

LeafySeaDragon

@Danzig! what is a fabulist?

Danzig!

@LeafySeaDragon in simplest terms, someone who makes things up to aggrandize him/her/zherself. Everybody's known a few! Most really suck at it and we just roll our eyes at their claims, but every year or so a story comes out about one who lied so well that they managed to talk their way into a better life for themselves, before inevitably failing to keep their plates spinning.

If nothing else, stories like those tend to provide a good public record of people we tend to think of as smart (college professors, civil servants, CEOs, etc) making asses of themselves as they at first defend the frauds they invested in and then attempt to cover their asses. Here's a great one from last year - http://www.nytimes.com/2012/07/08/magazine/albrecht-muth-and-viola-drath-georgetowns-worst-marriage.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

Mine was just a woman who was very, very good at identifying desperate and lonely people.

MissJudgeMental

@Danzig! There is an extremely interesting story I saw in here a while ago about a marathon runner fraud. It was fascinating. You write poetically, I'd read anything you put together.

LeafySeaDragon

@Danzig! aha. i have only known internet versions of these people. but to chime in about the article idea, i'd read it.

Best pun ever.

I don't know if anyone is around, but I need to write this somewhere.

I saw my ex of one year a couple of days ago. I've been angry at him for so long and using the anger as a crutch to get me through the heartbreak. When I saw him, he came over and apologized for everything he'd done. He said he wishes we could've been friends because he's missing spending time with me. I believe it was a genuine apology but now I can't be angry anymore. All I'm left with is this awful, awful sadness that is overwhelming me. I haven't left my place in days.

Peanut

@Best pun ever. I'm around! And I have also been using anger as a motivator to get on with things after a breakup a year ago. An apology is not something I ever expect, so I can't imagine how confusing that must be. If the anger helped you through, there must have been valid reasons. Is an apology enough, even if it is genuine?
I don't know if I can offer any advice, but I don't like the idea of you alone and sad. Sending good thoughts your way.

Best pun ever.

@Peanut Thank you, Peanut! I appreciate you taking the time to reply. The apology doesn't fix what happened, but it does knock down the only defense that I know. It felt like my world is crumbling just like it did on the day of the breakup, and I am so. damn. exhausted. of falling back to square one every time I think I'm making progress.

JadedStone

@Best pun ever.
BUT YOU ARE MAKING PROGRESS. This is a minor tiny setback - a kick in the pants letting you know that while you used the anger, now it's time to DROP THE CRUTCHES and fling out your arms in a moment of triumph. YOU DON'T NEED THE ANGER YOU ARE AWESOME REGARDLESS!

TRIUMPH I SAY.

EngNaturalBeauty@twitter

@Best pun ever. This has happened to me too. The sadness your feeling is the sadness you didn't feel right after the break-up. I truly believe one goes through the stages of grief after a break up. You can't skip one of the steps. On a bright note its the weekend so its completely acceptable to stay in bed eating ice cream and watching Netflix. Hoping you feel better!

Best pun ever.

<3 you guys. Pinner comments always lift my spirits.

rallisaurus

I was reading the FOT this morning in bed. When I went to get dressed I found that my kittens had peed in my pile of clean clothes (I know, why are my clean clothes on the floor? but it's soooo hard to actually do the laundry and fold the laundry on the same day). Yay Saturday!
Also, I am trying to decide if this ring is a worthy way to spend (my mom would say frivolously waste) my money or not. http://www.etsy.com/listing/66332187/10-candy-twists-silver-stacking-rings?

siniichulok

@rallisaurus Oh wow, those are pretty! Why not? (Says the person who just spent a comparable amount of money on three hard-to-find vintage green glass storage jars to replace the identical and rather beloved ones that were stolen by a family member.) Also, I'm sorry because it was probably a pain to clean up after your kittens, but aww, kittens! <3

rallisaurus

@siniichulok I love the sound of those storage jars! But I'm sorry you had to replace them at all.
And the kittens made it up to me by sleeping all tangled up on my stomach. Maybe the peeing was just an indoctrination into their kitten gang? Pee in...pee out?

Porn Peddler

The Feminist Porn Book is out and you can get 50% off using the code PORN502013 (thanks to Danny Wylde for that tip)- that makes it like seven bucks if you buy it from the Feminist Press!

Faintly Macabre

@laurel That sounds pretty badass to me! Like Dread Pirate Roberts climbing the Cliffs of Insanity!

par_parenthese

This is alllll the way down at the bottom buried but I hate everything about being single right now. I need to get off, but it's just not happening, and I need companionship but it's also not happening, and I'm just fucking frustrated and lonely and pathetic. Argh.

Words of wisdom appreciated.

whizz_dumb

@par_parenthese I LOVE YOU.

par_parenthese

@whizz_dumb I just seriously got tears in my eyes. Thanks, whizzie. <3

Peanut

@par_parenthese HANG IN THERE!

thenotestaken

@par_parenthese I am feeling exactly the same way!! why do they never calllllll

teaandcakeordeath

@par_parenthese
These are my words of wisdom

par_parenthese

@teaandcakeordeath You are my favorite person in the world right now. HNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGG

DAT MORAL RECTITUDE.

teaandcakeordeath

@par_parenthese
Glad to oblige!

whizz_dumb

I feel all those same things except only a little pathetic, not full fledged. The way I get by without going crazy is to focus on all potential out there and to get excited about just the possibility of meeting someone new. It's still frustrating but I rely on optimism. Getting drunk with friends and getting yourself off helps too, though preferably not at the same time. So don't feel pathetic, you're not alone because there's a lot of single awesome people. Hangout with friends, scope out potentials, and maybe get a new toy?? Maybe you were looking for a lady's words of wisdom but you got words of whizz_dumb instead.

whizz_dumb

^ @par_parenthese

par_parenthese

@whizz_dumb I don't have words. Thank you for being awesome.

par_parenthese

@whizz_dumb Also I just had a great mental image of laughing at a bar with friends while one member of the group writhed on the floor with a loud buzzing sound emitting from her pants. NBD, JUST KILLIN TWO BIRDS WITH ONE STONE.

4and20blkbirds

Super late to the thread, but I'm freaking out a little and wanted to share. ONE WEEK until I move out of the house where I've lived my entire life and move in with my boyfriend. It's exciting but I don't have a job yet and there are so many scary what-ifs.

mangosara

HIIIII FOT, I have a very important question for you all: what is your favorite brand/cut of undies (ie, any recommendations)?? I currently buy the Victoria's Secret cotton boyshort with the lace waistband and I like how they fit (no pinching or bulging... I hate anything with skinny elastic because it squeezes me in weirdly) but they stretch out too fast. HELP (if it's not too late)!

ayo nicole

@mangosara I swear by the Victoria's Secret Lacie hiphugger. They stretch a little bit but they are so comfy and look great.

MissJudgeMental

I'm sad and I want a hug. How can I ask for a hug, and who can I ask for a hug? I live far from my family who aren't affectionate anyway. My housemate is an ex so while we get on platonically, hugging is probably uncomfortable and not appropriate. Help? I get sad and lonely sometimes and I just want a cuddle! :) I've stopped eating junk food to make me feel better (woo!) but I think a hug might be a genuinely good way to deal...Please suggest anything :)

par_parenthese

@MissJudgeMental I UNDER.STAND. I would totally give you a hug right now.

My one practical suggestion: Do you have friends with kids? Or, like, an after-school program you could help with, or something? It's not the same as romantic cuddles but it's positive touch.

MissJudgeMental

@par_parenthese Thank you - those are good ideas - romantic cuddles are swell, but my aim is cuddles plain and simple :)

lynzillla

anyone watch Downton Abbey last night?

par_parenthese

Oh my goodness I forgot about this from ages ago, but...

@Cawendaw!! I devoured (PUNS!) Supersizers after you told me about them, and they are all fabulous, and ohhhh boy I am definitely attracted to both of them. <3 <3 <3 Thanks!!

imssol

Being the most populated, Phuket Town is also the main economic and touristic hub on the island, which is no mean feat, since most Thai provincial towns are generally ordinary. The real expansion of the city began in the middle of last century when the building boom really took on phuket

imssol

In fact, yacht charter Greece is one of the countries with the longest shoreline in Europe, being second only to Norway, which affords it a seemingly infinite number of yacht charter itineraries that will surely leave coming back for more. In fact, some skippers come on sailing yachts in Greece for years on end. yachtchartersgreece.net

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Thai provincial towns are generally ordinary. The real expansion of the city began in the middle of last century when the building boom
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