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Friday, January 11, 2013

908

Friday Open Thread

Not sure what to make of this one.



908 Comments / Post A Comment

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

The most recent edition of my school's alumni magazine included these photographs of alumni who went to the respective U.S. major party conventions in 2012. Here's a quiz:

1. Which photo do you think is of alumni attending the Democratic National Convention? Which do you think is from the Republican National Convention?

2. Now imagine that, instead of being taken at separate events, these two photos are of two groups of people attending the same social event. You are there, too, and you don't know anyone so you are looking for friends. Which group would you be more likely to approach to strike up a conversation?

Angelena@twitter

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll the one with black people is the democratic national convention! am i right?! do i win??

iceberg

@Angelena@twitter same answer! also I would go for the tableful of chicks, they look friendlier.

dj pomegranate

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll ummmmm too hard give me a hint

aliceandstuff

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll I am going to guess based on the way the question is worded that the top photo is the Democratic convention, the bottom is the Republican one.

I would approach the top group as groups of young, attractive women intimidate me as a scary-looking fat girl.

adorable-eggplant

@aliceandstuff Same guess here: young republicans on the bottom, awkward dems on the top. I'd approach the folks with the nametags, because I am a dork who cannot remember names.

ETA: the free-spirited way in which none of the folks on top can agree on where to wear their name tags screams democrat to me, but clearly I'm biased.

Marquise de Morville

@aliceandstuff Hard to compare, the top photo appears to have been taken at the actual convention site, the lower photo at a more private gathering of attendees. I think it's not really possible to tell, why should party affiliation in a two party system make people look that different?

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

Sorry, I didn't mean for people to overthink this! The answers are intended to be obvious, and perhaps it's unsurprising that demographic trends among voters are even more strongly represented among the loyalists who go to conventions. Mostly I was amused by how much more fun the Dems look to be having, and I wondered what the editors of the magazine were thinking in choosing these photos to go side-by-side on the page.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll That guy can't be a Republican! HE HAS A BEARD

steelyaja

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll I'm still not sure which is which! They all look like they're having fun amongst themselves but the women look rich and skinny and well-put-together which I'm judging because I relate that to Sorority girls that I assume are all Republicans. Even with the black girl they look more republican to me than all those awkward white dudes with that dowdy lady and really old man. Wait, old man has a red tie. They're the republicans? I JUST DON'T KNOW

jhonsons

amazing. genius@j

iceberg

Tattoo opinions/advice needed! I THINK i have finally settled on: hummingbird on inner right wrist, facing in towards 3 cherry blossoms on a branch on inner left wrist.
style: illustrative/realistic-ish.
symbolism: hummingbird is my favorite bird, symbolising my flighty, short-attention-span nature and the fleetingness of everything. Cherry blossoms (a favorite flower, my favorite in art/design) signify my 3 children, also giving sustenance to the hummingbird (I am sure they don't really go for cherry blossoms IRL but w/e)

Advice? Husband says this location will hurt badly and I'm not good with pain but I've been toying with the idea of a tattoo for a long time and this just feels right.

SarcasticFringehead

@iceberg Well, it will hurt, but then it will stop hurting. And then it will be awesome. I say go for it.

iceberg

@SarcasticFringehead I should add this will be first/only tatts.

wearitcounts

@iceberg The design sounds awesome! My advice for that is to go for something not TOO heavily-meaning-based, as meaning gets mutable and slippery over time, and something that will aesthetically continue to please you for a long, long time. You know. Forever and all that.

I have a detailed tattoo on my inner wrist. It did hurt pretty badly, and I'm very tolerant of pain. A simple outline there is not bad at all (have a less detailed one on other inner wrist), but the shading is a bitch. They take a flat thing covered in tiny needles and basically rub on your skin until enough ink is in there. It's... not pleasant. And they wipe it down with a paper towel every so often. So, also not pleasant.

That being said, it's my favorite tattoo, and I would totally do it again. It's a great spot for it, and the pain is character building. Go forth and tattoo!

ETA: That was a fairly simplistic description of a very detailed artistic process that I in no way meant to belittle. I do not know how to tattoo and I imagine it's far more complicated than the way I described it; I just was trying to get across what it feels like. Like a tiny bed of needles scratching at the same spot over, and over. And over.

SarcasticFringehead

@SarcasticFringehead I mean, that sounded condescending, but really, it hurts a lot less (at least for me) right when they take the needle off the skin, and then it's just like a really bad sunburn (again, for me). Maybe that helps?

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@iceberg It'll hurt, sure, but if you are in love with it, and it's something that will be true forever, go for it.

Stacy Worst

@iceberg I don't have anything anywhere else so I can't compare, but inner wrist wasn't so bad. I can think of a lot more sensitive areas, and I've heard it's the worst on top of bone.

wearitcounts

@SarcasticFringehead This is true! It scabs over and itches more than it hurts afterward. The pain is very fleeting compared to, say, a piercing, in my opinion.

wearitcounts

@wearitcounts I should also add that my inner wrist hurt pretty badly at the VERY TOP, where it was right on top of my wrist bones. The rest isn't terrible, so if you shift down an inch and a half, it won't be so painful.

terrific

@iceberg You'll be fine! I have a tattoo, albeit not there, and it did hurt like THE WORST THING IN THE WORLD. I realize that's not encouraging. But I have the lowest tolerance for pain on the planet and I didn't cry or anything -- my adrenaline kept me alive. And it was totally worth it. Plus a wrist tattoo probably won't take that long? But I am not a tattoo expert.

lookuplookup

@iceberg Not pain-related, but if this is going to be your first tattoo, I would take a minute to think about visibility & make sure that you're comfortable having a tattoo in a highly visible area, just because people will ask (lots of people, over and over again) what it means and when you got it and if it hurt and can they touch it, etc. and having those conversations can get to be a little exhausting after awhile.

meetapossum

@iceberg It hurts, but not nearly as much as you think it's going to. The tattoo on my back hurt more than my wrist tattoo, and eventually the vibration of the needle numbs out the pain anyway.

SuperGogo

Umm, you guys realize you're talking about pain to someone who gave birth to three babies at once, right? :)

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@SuperGogo This is what I've been thinking as well.

Judith Slutler

@lookuplookup Seconded! Iceberg, I'd think about why wrists, and also whether or not there might be situations where you'd want to be able to cover them up and say... not have to wear a long sleeved tee in order to do so.

Not trying to sound like a tattoo prude, I once wanted wrist tattoos as well. But after talking this over with an artist I know, I decided that on the distant day when I can afford a tattoo, it's gonna be on my back or side.

iceberg

@SuperGogo Hahaha to be fair it was a c-section ;) that was the easiest part!

iceberg

@lookuplookup "just because people will ask (lots of people, over and over again) what it means and when you got it and if it hurt and can they touch it, etc. and having those conversations can get to be a little exhausting after awhile."

yeah, with triplets I have loooots of experience of this type of questioning...

iceberg

@Emmanuelle Cunt "I'd think about why wrists, and also whether or not there might be situations where you'd want to be able to cover them up and say"

good points. i have reasons why wrists, but still good to think about.

ayo nicole

@iceberg I have a wrist tattoo! I usually don't feel the need to cover it, because I work in a creative industry, but if the tattoo isn't too big you can always go with jewelry. Also, even though it's pretty large, nobody ever notices mine. I thought because I talk with my hands that it'd get a lot of attention, but as it turns out my wrists usually face inward when I talk and gesture. That's something to consider.
Also, it was my first tattoo and it didn't hurt me very much at all. I think that's different for everybody, though.

Hellcat

@iceberg Ehhh, different pain for different people (example: my ankle was barely even anything, but my friend said it was just horrible). I've got a few in the standard places and none of them was particularly painful. But, of, the subsequent itching! Bah.

dj pomegranate

mr. pomegranate and i just applied for our marriage license at NYC city hall! Two weeks til I'm a married lady. Drinks all around!

iceberg

@dj pomegranate yayyyyy congrats

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@dj pomegranate I'll toast to your nuptials later this evening!

bitchycrosstownexpress

@dj pomegranate Congrats! I was about to wonder if you were a friend of mine who is getting married the 20th, but I have Facebook evidence that her fiancee is at work right now.

OhMarie

@dj pomegranate Congrats!!!

stonefruit

@dj pomegranate wooo!

katiemcgillicuddy

Oh my god, January why is it already so dark at 2 in the afternoon, I can't handle yooouuuuu.

KatieBarTheDoor

@katiemcgillicuddy Yessss this is something I haven't yet gotten used to about the North. (Granted, I've been here all of 2 weeks.)

SarahP

@katiemcgillicuddy The only (ONLY) upside to this is that the sun rises when I'm waking up and my bedroom window faces east, so every morning: BEAUTY. (Also, exhaustion. But beauty!)

Any (lighter) time of the year, there's no way I'm up with the sunrise.

katiemcgillicuddy

@KatieBarTheDoor It's the worst. Ha ha, I mean, welcome to the Northeast!

RK Fire

@katiemcgillicuddy Stupid clouds.

highfivesforall

Everyone is extremely excited about listening to this over the weekend, right???

aliceandstuff

@highfivesforall Yes! That sounds like it should be great.

Chareth Cutestory

@highfivesforall Ohhhh, yes.

Heat Signature

@highfivesforall You have NO IDEA. You truly don't, of course, because we're strangers, but I am THE MOST glad right now.

phipsi

@highfivesforall YES x 1000!!

Emma Peel

People who like to cook and/or want to cook more and don't know where to start and/or think meal-planning apps and sites are meh but are still looking for ideas on what to make: Some of the commenters over at The Billfold have (just) started a Google Group for meal-planning, cooking and sharing. Bonus points if the recipes are healthy, easy and delicious.

Join us! We're here: https://groups.google.com/forum/#!forum/the-billfold-meal-planning-group

hallelujah

@Emma Peel OH HOW COOL. I've made the same lemon brussel sprouts for dinner the last 3 days, so this is tres needed.

terrific

@hallelujah @Emma Peel Here is the link, and I'm SO EXCITED.

Bonnie St. Clair

@Emma Peel Yes! JOIN US. :)

ETA: In case terrific's previous link isn't working - https://groups.google.com/forum/#!forum/the-billfold-meal-planning-group

meetapossum

@Emma Peel Awesome! I'm trying to force myself to start cooking more again, so this is perfect!

terrific

@Bonnie St. Clair Ahh, what happened! HTML is confusing.

Emma Peel

@terrific If you edit your comment it murders your link. :(

Bonnie St. Clair

@Emma Peel Huh, I didn't know that! Good to know.

rimy

@Emma Peel I'm so excited too! I am really looking forward to seeing how other people meal plan and pull off those $50/week grocery trips that I see on the Friday estimate on The Billfold. Join us!!!

garli

@Emma Peel I'm excited to see what other people are cooking BUT as some one who loves to cook I super recommend any recipe/book/subscription you can find from America's Test Kitchen. Most of their online stuff is behind a pay wall. I've been cooking my entire life and a bunch of stuff I make has been improved by their tips and tweaks.

baked bean

@garli Ah I'm looking up their books now! Which one/s do you have?

I'll also recommend "How To Cook Everything" by Mark Bitman. His recipes are so simple and have few ingredients but are very good, and each has multiple ways to customize them further.

garli

@baked bean The Best New Recipes has a million things I found helpful. (Ex: Pesto. Bash your basil before throwing it in the food processor and it tastes as good as if you cut it by hand. Brown the garlic for like a second before you chop it up to take away the bite)

Bonnie St. Clair

@garli Seconded on the ATK recommendation! All of their stuff, along with Cook's Illustrated and Cook's Country, is great. My nerdy Saturday-afternoon appointment TV is watching the ATK and Cook's Country shows on PBS; I love how thorough they are with testing their recipes, as well as ingredients/gadgets, and how they explain some of the science stuff behind it. I know some people feel like it's too "Paint by Number"-y and takes away from the improvisation part of cooking, but I need help with figuring this stuff out!

katiemcgillicuddy

I would just like to say that, while the Oscars are a crock of shit, I still get offended when they give stupid, crappy nominations. If you saw "Skyfall" and you were even remotely paying attention and didn't think Judi Dench deserved a nomination, you should be shot, THERE I SAID IT. (That was only one of my issues with this years pile of shit nominations).

SuperGogo

@katiemcgillicuddy And what's with all the nominations for Silver Linings Playbook? I assumed it was just another mediocre romcom, based on the previews and such. Was it not?

katiemcgillicuddy

@SuperGogo It was better than I though it would be, I actually really liked it, and think it deserves recognition, but not this much? Whatever, screw the Oscars, and stupid Seth MacFarlane hosting will make it easier to not watch this year, also, this is where I admit to the fact that even though he seems like an unrepentant douchebag, every time Seth MacFarlane smiles, I can't help but giggle, and then I hate myself a little bit.

coolallison

@SuperGogo Silver Linings Playbook wasn't really a romantic comedy. It had funny parts... and some romantic parts... but it was more than that. I thought it was suuuper good. And my husband, who usually is very vocal in his complaints of my movie choices, actually thought it was good too.

pixieg

@katiemcgillicuddy EVERYTHING IS FINE BECAUSE QUVENZHANÉ WALLIS GOT A NOMINATION. And Beasts is up for Best Picture. (But Dwight Henry should be up for Best Supporting Actor ssshhhh!)

katiemcgillicuddy

@pixieg This is true! She was so wonderful in that! Great flick.

honey cowl

@SuperGogo Oh no no, not just another romcom, it was excellent. I am a romcom lover, even, but this was so much more than a romcom. RDN broke my little heart.

professionalmess

@pixieg OMG, I FINALLY watched it last night and it was amazing! It wins the Messy (the award I just invented) for Best Picture.

Danzig!

@SuperGogo Silver Linings Playbook is really, really good! David O. Russell has never made a bad picture :)

KeLynn

@katiemcgillicuddy et al. I feel like I am really missing something. I saw Silver Linings Playbook and I don't get what all the love is about. It was alright, it was entertaining for an hour and a half or however long it was, and it was "deeper"/more thoughtful than a lot of romcoms, but I still put it squarely in the romcom and I can't believe it got so many nominations.

Danzig!

@katiemcgillicuddy I was about to write a big long blog post about why it's so good anyway! So here's my thing with SLP: It's a romantic comedy in terms of sheer mechanical plot, this is undeniable. Two people meet and clash and come together at the end. But the really outstanding aspects of SLP don't have anything to do with that (why SLP can so openly be tarred as "just a romcom" but you can't call Django Unchained "just a blaxpoitation flick" is a whole other troubling thing). As lots of people will tell you, SLP is a movie about mental illness. It has a romantic comedy arc but it's not a romantic comedy, it's a movie about illness. Where SLP really shines is in its details, and if you're focused on the romance plot it can be really easy to overlook how radically different it is from every other film you can care to name that concerns itself with MI.
The thing is, when you look at all other movies that feature an ill person as a protagonist, they are either Fall From Grace tragedies or sort of... "social disaster" films. They are movies about how miserable it is to be sick, how sick people will make their loved ones miserable (woe be unto thee who invites an ill relative to their wedding), how strange and alien (and monstrous) sick people are (particularly schizophrenics and autistic people, who comprise a solid majority of movie subjects), about an ostensibly healthy person who becomes sick and loses everything and maybe gains a bit of hope at the end. If SLP were a normal film, the “incident” that puts Pat Jr. in a mental hospital, or the death of Tiffany’s husband, would probably be the climax of the film instead of a character detail. In this context you can view Pat Jr.'s monologue about why Hemingway sucks as a sort of (pretty on-the-nose) thesis statement for the film - why can't we have a good ending to these stories? But if you just take it that way it’s still not that radical.
There were a couple of things that really struck me about SLP – one, it is, in a very real way, more honest about the day-to-day reality of mental illness than any other film I’ve seen. The main characters are sometimes capricious and do awful things with little or no perspective on how they disappoint and hurt the people they love, but they aren't portrayed as monsters or as fundamentally broken, and what’s more they can also be generous and kind. They have human wants / needs / fears but are incapable on some level of dealing with them normally. They have terrible anxiety and compulsions and a desire to control their illnesses, and when they fail they feel guilty. Likewise, the families and friends of the ill people are often harried and frustrated with them, but they're more worried than angry, and the love and support they show never wavers over the course of the film. That’s more or less how it is for a mentally ill person in a good, stable situation.
Notice how the high-strung Julia Stiles character, when her dinner is ruined by her depressed sister, is not angry. She does not cry or wail about how Tiffany ruins everything and doesn’t care about anyone else but herself (the way she would have if she had been written by, say, Judd Apatow). She is just sad and disappointed. Notice how when he opens up to his son, Pat Sr. says “maybe if I had spent more time with you you wouldn’t have felt so bad about your condition”. He’s not wishing his son was different, only that he had been better father. He doesn’t lay blame for the illness on anyone or anything. I was floored by that little detail. It was weird walking out of the theater and realizing that at no point in a film about mental illness did any character openly state that they wished the ill people were different. They just want them to be happy! They all want to be better to their loved ones instead of wanting their loved ones to be better people! That is so weird to me, to see a movie in which mentally ill people are treated with unconditional love and support.
*SPOILERS* I guess the other thing, the contentious thing, is that it has a happy ending. To a certain extent I get this complaint, but I truly believe that in large part the backlash is in large part a function of how unused we are to seeing a film about mentally ill people that doesn’t end in disaster. Read Scott Tobias’ review in the AV Club, for example and sense his incredulity around the very notion that bipolar people are capable of sustaining a loving relationship (his complaint is that the viewer is deceived either because the main characters have been “cured” or because, if they’re still ill, their nascent relationship is obviously doomed). For what it’s worth I felt like the ending was fairly justified. The dance competition aspect was hokey but the overall arc made sense – Pat Jr. comes back, he’s off his meds and trying to become more ordered through force of will alone, he’s humbled by outbursts, he accepts that he can’t do it alone, goes back on his meds, befriends Tiffany and builds a disciplined routine through their shared activity, and by the end he’s stable enough to let go of the obsession that was so prominent and dangerous earlier in the film. The romantic comedy arc is, at the same time, a story about a person coming to terms with his illness and finding ways to be happy and stable without being “cured”, per se. I appreciated that.
So yes, SLP is very good. It’s also funny and warm and full of great performances. Bradley Cooper is actually good in something! Great, even! Rob De Niro acts for the first time in God knows how many years! It’s real good.

And that's my big long thing about SLP.

Danzig!

@Danzig! Oh goddamnit I wrote that with line breaks. Now I look crazy

katiemcgillicuddy

@Danzig! Haha, you do not look crazy! You wrote a wonderful response to the movie, and I really appreciate it. The treatment of mental illness was exactly why I was surprised by how much I liked it/why it was so good. The line you mentioned, “maybe if I had spent more time with you you wouldn’t have felt so bad about your condition” was a bit breathtaking. You just don't hear that kind of stuff in movies, re: mental illness. There was, dare I say it, a level of respect for people who suffer from MI. Basically, I wish I could write a longer response, and maybe I will at some point, but thanks for sharing that, it was great. Anyway, RDN is awesome and FUCK SCOTT TOBIAS, the end.

honey cowl

@Danzig!
I love this, & I totally agree with everything you wrote. There is bipolar disorder in my family, & I'm not as close to it as some of my other family members are, but everything you said seems to ring true to my observations of their experiences (convoluted sentence).

My ONE QUIBBLE with SLP (spoilers ahead!): I just wish there did not always have to be The Scene Of Misunderstanding in romcoms. At the end when Pat is talking to his ex, & Tiffany sees them & runs away, & Pat chases after. I just REALLY wanted them to just BE together. No more shenanigans or misunderstandings or hurt feelings, just happy mature joyous adult relationship!!!! WHY do romcoms always have to try to trick the viewer into thinking it ain't actually going to happen? We all know better.

Emby

Going to the new DC speakeasy (oh hush, I like them and I don't care what you think) again tomorrow night, this time as part of a double date!

And I got my jeep fixed, and the problem wasn't nearly as severe as I'd feared and the ENTIRE thing cost me less than $10, because the mechanic didn't charge me for labor.

I feel like I've had a pretty good week!

katiemcgillicuddy

@Emby Nice. A buddy of mine does all my auto work, sans labor cost, as you would imagine. It is the greatest thing ever.

katiemcgillicuddy

@katiemcgillicuddy I do often pay him in beer, though.

Emby

@Emby Oh, and the mechanic noticed that my front license plate had fallen off (because people who slam into your bumper when they're parallel parking and dgaf) and was sitting on my back seat, so he put it back on (for free) without even being asked. Just cuz it seemed like the right thing to do. He's the best.

Jinxie

@Emby Aw, double dates! A good friend of mine has been angling to set up a double date with her and her husbeast and me and the Manfriend but so far both of the dudes seem kind of freaked out by the idea (even though they've met a few times and get along great). Is there some trick to getting dudes on board? Should we just plan something and...not call it a double date?

Emby

@Jinxie Hmmm. I don't know! I like double dates because I can get along with literally anyone on the face of the planet (caveat: excludes some [but not all] Republicans) and enjoy meeting new people. So I'm an easy sell. Actually, it's my gf who is more hesitant because she can be a bit socially anxious sometimes.

Let's see... a trick... Oh! How about making semi-plans with just the two of you—nothing fancy, just like "Hey, we should try that new Oaxacan place sometime"—and then a few days later, say, "Let's go to Plaza Oaxaca next week, and say, maybe we should invite Karen and Tim? She mentioned wanting to try it, too. We can go together!"

I don't know. I have no idea how to solve problems when things don't automatically fall into place.

highfivesforall

@Jinxie You should totally just plan something and not call it a double date. I think those have a stigma because people use them to set their friends up, but that's not even what's happening here, so it should be fine. "Hey, want to go meet friend for dinner at this restaurant we've been talking about going to? Oh her husband will be there too, he said he really likes that kind of food." Or words to that effect.

Emby

@highfivesforall I think this is about right. It's more about hanging out with three people whose company you enjoy (and one of whom you enjoy naked!) than it is a literal doubling of a date.

Jinxie

@Emby Good point! I guess I'm just a little overexcited at the possibility of Manfriend and I having a set of Couple Friends, like REAL grown ups, that I was overthinking/overplanning things.

VelourFog

@Emby How did you manage a reservation? I have a friend who would die to go there.

geek_tragedy

Pinnahs! Any advice for two ladies going to NYC in two weeks?

Background: I've been a few times, my friend's never been before, we want to hit up classic tourist sites for her, a few arty things for me, and not spend all the money. Bonus points for neat restaurant suggestions, and good coffee shops.

Also: we're going to be mostly in Brooklyn/Manhattan, as that's where our friends/acquaintances are.

Marquise de Morville

@geek_tragedy I recommend Sapporo USA if you need to eat anywhere near Time Square (11 E 44th St # 705). It's an affordable fried Japanese food joint and since they are run by the beer company they have cheap for NYC Sapporo on tap (cash only though). For coffee I like the Oren's chain, but it's not really a sit down place.

bitchycrosstownexpress

@geek_tragedy THINK coffee. Locations mostly around NYU (Washington and Union Squares). Excellent indy chain and all their coffee is ethically sourced.

Also, Tiny's Giant Sandwich Shop on the LES. Good for veggies and non-veggies, and really affordable. Actually they also have good coffee, now that I think about it. Plus SugarSweetSunshine cupcake bakery is right across the street.

The dinosaurs at the Natural History Museum are really really fun and no tourist I've ever taken there has been disappointed.

Also if you would like to ice skate, go to the Bryant Park rink. Bring a padlock and all you have to pay for is skate rental. Super fun and a lot less hassle than Rockefeller Center.

Thank you for distracting me for my horrible work week by letting me think about things I actually like in this city.

Lily Rowan

@geek_tragedy My #1 piece of advice is not to try to do too many touristy things, because then it becomes a slog. If she wants to go up the Empire State building (which is so cool!), make that your one big thing of the day. Ditto the big museums. Then you can take your time and wander around and not worry about making your next agenda item. There's an interesting food court in the basement of Grand Central not far from the ESB (if you pick that one), which is a food court, granted, but it gets you into GCT, which is also cool to see.

Marquise de Morville

@bitchycrosstownexpress I like your username, I wish there was a Manhattan crosstown express...

toastandjam

@geek_tragedy Check out the MTA museum in brooklyn. Very interesting history of the subway, complete with old-timey subway cars. I would very strongly recommend that you call ahead and find out when their free tours are and join one of those, a lot more informative than just wandering around the museum.

FlufferNutter

@geek_tragedy Some money and time saving advice: if you are going to museums, take a few minutes to visit their web sites. Make sure they are open on the days you plan to go (they all close on weird days) and see what their admission rules are. Some are "pay what you wish" either all the time or on certain days and a lot offer student discounts. And if you are going to the Met or AMNH use that day to explore Central Park (and by "explore" I mean eat waffles at the awesome food truck Waffels & Dinges at the south end of the Great Lawn).

Also, if you are under 35 become a Linctix member for crazy discounts on performances at Lincoln Center! My husband and I saw "War Horse" last summer for like $25 each.

bitchycrosstownexpress

@Marquise de Morville Heh, thanks! It's an old Pushing Daisies line.

And, yes a Manhattan crosstown express round about Central Park would be super helpful.

karenb

@geek_tragedy if you're doing more than a few touristy things, look into citypass or new york city pass -- depending on what you're doing, they may suit your budget and be cheaper than paying for things one by one.

runner in the garden

@geek_tragedy my favorite tourist recommendation lately is to walk the High Line, if the weather cooperates. It's a bit of greenery, creative urban reclamation, exercise, and a fun architecture tour all in one!

The surrounding area's still pretty blah on the north end, that's my main caveat.

theotherginger

@geek_tragedy I am the other person going. thanks for your recommendations guise. I'm stoked about a potential subway museum. I saw the trolley car one in San Francisco and it was great.

toastandjam

@theotherginger Here is the link! http://www.mta.info/mta/museum/

geek_tragedy

@theotherginger

I knew you'd like the MTA Museum.

Thank you, everyone! I appreciate the recs for fried food and coffee and museums and not overloading ourselves. And the High Line, my roommate recommended that. And the citypass. Let's see how budgeting etc. works.

Also, has anyone been to that Uzbek (?) restaurant in Brooklyn? I saw it reviewed somewhere recently and it kindled a fire in my heart (sorry, theotherginger.)

weebleswobble

@geek_tragedy

If you go to Prospect Heights in Brooklyn, you can go to the Brooklyn Museum (which has suggested admission prices so you can pay whatever you can afford) and also the Brooklyn Botanic Garden (which I think is free on weekdays but closed on Mondays). There are also lots of food choices around there. And a big library, and a farmer's market on Saturdays, etc. Lots to do in that neighborhood!

hallelujah

I am STILL furious over the article on "restorative justice" in the Times this week. I have told so many people about it, and get mad when they are not sufficiently outraged, ESPECIALLY about the father putting words of forgiveness for her abusive boyfriend in his dying daughter's mouth. GRRR, FOREVER.

Stacy Worst

@hallelujah Yeah, me too.

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@hallelujah I couldn't get over how that guy shot her while she was on her knees. Guy's a Grade A coward.

LordHennyson

@hallelujah Wait I'm ready for the rage, what's the article called? My blood pressure was getting low anyway

rimy

@hallelujah Yeah, I stopped reading when I got to the part where the dad was like "I could hear her saying 'forgive him!'", because I had an instant disgust/anger attack. Then the part about "we already imagined him being the father of her children" or something?? Anger.

hallelujah

@LordHennyson It was the cover story of the magazine this weekend, I believe? Nicole posted it here a few days ago. Get ready to aggro.

bitchycrosstownexpress

I have had the work week from hell. I was already super completely stressed out and missing our two student employees who aren't back from vacation yet. So my boss decided that meant it was the PERFECT time to give me feedback that other people were ...I don't know, upset that I was stressed out or something? She won't actually give me particulars about what I did that people complained about (because it would probably give away who it was) so I'm still not sure if I actually was inadvertently rude to someone or just didn't smile big enough. So I had a total crying meltdown in her office. Which undermined my whole attempt to get people to stop treating me like I'm 25 and this is my first job just because I'm the lowest level administrator in my department (I'm not, and it isn't.) URG.

coolallison

@bitchycrosstownexpress Once, during a really busy time at work, I had been working about 80 hours a week, and my boss pulled me aside and told me my negative attitude was making everyone else negative too. I'm sure it was all me, and definitely not the shitty job, that was putting people in a bad mood. So, I feel your pain.

adorable-eggplant

@bitchycrosstownexpress This sounds like terrible management and mean girl (the movie) behavior. Here's the script I'd use: "Thanks for the feedback. Do you have something specific to suggest, so I can improve? If you've got specific behaviors that I could be working to change, I'd be happy to sit down and discuss some good tactics for handling stressful interactions like the ones mentioned in the future."

I'd probably say 'specific' a few more times because I'm passive aggressive like that.

Here's the thing: stress management, dealing with crazy coworkers/customers, etc. are all skills that take time to develop. A good manager will give you tips and feedback that help you improve at those things (I'm big into the concept of kaizen, cause we could all stand to do better). A bad manager treats complaints as an opportunity for gossip and backstabbing and playing people against each other. The best thing to do is pretend like your boss is being helpful. I've heard the strategy called "relentless cheerful, icily polite" on the 'pin, and really, it's the best.

My boyfriend also introduced me to the no-hammer method, which is non-response at all costs (disengage by non sequitur, if necessary).

Tl;dr Office politics are hard, for everybody. Just brush that dirt of your shoulder.

mackymoo

@bitchycrosstownexpress I have definitely gotten this before. Because being told I need to have a better attitude makes me SO PERKY IMMEDIATELY. I was promoted recently, but on probation provided my attitude improved. Three months in, while director has seen improvement, my attitude still needs work, the main example being a meeting I was in on the same day my grandma died. Apparently I wasn't responding to criticism well.

It's such a fucking power play and I hate it. Also I work in customer service and there's never a complaint about my customer service skills, only that I don't greet my coworkers consistently every morning.

bitchycrosstownexpress

@adorable-eggplant Thank you so much. I think she really was trying to be helpful (the high stress level of this job has been something we've discussed in the past), but she has no concept of timing, or tact. She did this Monday afternoon, pretty much because I came to talk to her about something else and she took the opportunity. If she'd waited until today so I could have had a weekend to process (and was already through the worst of the stressors) or mentioned it as a general comment it would have been a lot easier to handle.

bitchycrosstownexpress

@mackymoo This is kind of what I'm getting. I have my fingers in a lot of administrative pies, but I also have some front desk/reception duties and my boss was like "well sometimes I say good morning and you don't respond." And I'm just ... not that kind of person. I can't fake a cheerful good morning if my heart's not in it, so what I often do is give a small smile, but I guess that's not enough. At least I am not cussing people out with my office door open like my boss's boss did this morning (he was on the phone with his bank, it wasn't a coworker, but still).

bitchycrosstownexpress

@mackymoo Also, seriously, the same day your grandmother died they decided to criticize you? Even MY boss knew to back off when that happened. (I almost got in a fight with a flight attendant who tried to make me put away my knitting needles on the flight home for her funeral, so I totally get that.)

smidge

Appeal for advice! I've been making more time for the gym recently, which feels good, but does anyone have any advice or resources for putting together a workout plan? Right now I just go to whatever classes sound fun and use the elliptical when I want to chill out. I don't have a goal other than "exercise more," and at this point I'm sort of worried that I might not be accomplishing anything because I'm not Doing It Right.

chnellociraptor

@smidge I have no advice, just the exact same problem, so solidarity! Also, good for you for just going to the gym more often. It's hard!

Biketastrophy

@smidge Well, if you're moving you're accomplishing something. My question is, those classes that sound fun do they end up being fun? I think the most important thing when working out is to find something you enjoy doing, otherwise you fall off the wagon again.

Course I'm not much of a routine person, so this probably isn't the answer you're looking for.

up cubed

@smidge I agree with the fun advice, but also maybe try classes for skills? I learned about weight lifting in the past year, which is something I'd never considered before. If you can afford it, maybe meet with a personal trainer once to set up a workout plan based on your personal goals?

planforamiracle

@smidge I'm not a big gym goer, but when I used to go, I switched things up a lot because I got bored easily. Also my YMCA had a great weight room orientation/free personal training session when I joined, so that made it easy to feel more confident about trying new things and not being worried about hurting myself.
I think your goal of "exercise more" is fine. You could try lifting little free-weights? Or try re-creating some of the things you enjoyed in the classes you've gone to. Or next time you go to a class, talk to the instructor at the end and ask how you can incorporate some of the moves in your personal routines.. If you feel up to it, maybe ask the people working at your gym how to use a different machine? Especially if you approach it from a safety perspective, you're likely to get a good response. I really enjoy the rowing machine :)

lookuplookup

@smidge Maybe start by identifying goals for yourself -- like, do you want to build muscle? Do you want to be more flexible? Etc. And then figure out which exercises will help you meet those goals. I started going to the gym a couple of months ago and I still feel like a loser who doesn't know what they're doing, but I've slowly put together a little plan (some cardio -- running on the elliptical -- followed by weightlifting that focuses on biceps and triceps & sometimes I do regular old exercises like crunches and Russian twists). Workout tutorial videos on YouTube have been helpful for body weight exercises. (For what it's worth, my exercise goals are basically "I'd like to be able to run a few miles and not feel like I am about to die" and "It would be cool to be able to lift my moving boxes without panting and breaking a sweat.")

Seriously though, just getting yourself to GO is definitely the hardest part. Figuring out to do when your there is nothing compared to that. Just doing whatever sounds fun is way better than doing nothing & will help you figure out which exercises feel best & make you want to go back.

vunder

@smidge I find the same issue and I finally joined a circuit gym thingy (not Curves) so that I could have a buit-in routine while I'm there. Your gym may have a good deal on introductory physical training session(s) that might help you build a routine you like. Me, I could never remember those, but it is helpful to be reminded how different stuff works.

smidge

@everyone Thanks! The classes are fun and sometimes they give out free guest passes, so maybe I will get a friend to come in and show me how to use the weights. I just get freaked out because I know proper form is important, and I feel like people are always writing articles that tell you "If you don't run for precisely 36 minutes and then eat a whole potato there is basically no point in running."

coolallison

@smidge I think there is absolutely nothing wrong with going to classes. It's probably my favorite thing to do at the gym. (I find ellipticals and treadmills to be mind-numbing. I have found a couple different things here http://www.fitsugar.com/Fitness that give different workouts that you can do on a machine to try to mix it up. There is a really good elliptical workout and a 45-minute treadmill workout that have you change something every couple of minutes.)

Also, you could meet with a trainer just once with the stipulation that you just want help putting together a plan and to help you figure out the right way to do things, since form is kind of important.

LeafySeaDragon

@smidge classes! i am going to yoga once a week, and trying out all the other classes, but i can't find anything else i like so far.

A. Louise

@smidge Most gyms have personal trainers / gym ... people? That will either instruct you on how to use the machines for free or for a very low first class rate.

Not only will they be able to help you make sure you're using them properly, they'll probably have advice on HOW to use them to get the results you want. The way I use weight machines is really different than my 180 lb. beefed up brother.

I saw the best results out of my workouts when I added weights & cardio and did a mix of the two, but talk to a trainer / someone with more knowledge than me!

katiemcgillicuddy

@smidge Best thing I ever bought for working out was a medicine ball. I use it all the time. Cheap and efficient!

terrific

It's almost the one-year anniversary (AHHHH) for boyfriend and me and I want to go somewhere special. I live in NYC. I've been stalking the Living Social Escapes thing for fun packages, but I've heard some people say those are scams (well, not scams per se, but not as good of deals as you can get elsewhere). I've also considered just paying for both of us to go to Chicago even though that will be way over budget because I miss Chicago SO MUCH and I can't start on my plan to convince him to move to Chicago if he's never been.

HALP ME. Budget: $400-500 (ideally more like $350). Two nights. Somewhere quiet and nice and romantic. We have a car but I don't want to drive more than 3 hrs or so. Some kind of activity would be great, like skiing or something, even better if it is included. We're kind of quiet/private so maybe a B&B would be not the best fit? Last time I went to one I had a social anxiety freakout at breakfast with EVERRRYONE. Ideas?

BlueberryFranklin

@terrific I'm not positive after Sandy (I'd check on the status of things before booking), but my husband and I love Cape May in the winter for just this sort of thing. It's not that cold, you get the beach to yourselves for walking and talking, and hotels have really good off-season deals. We like La Mer for hotel, and George's Restaurant is perfect perfect perfect for celebratory dinner. This doesn't meet your activity requirement, but you would be In Nature (and there is the lighthouse, etc.) so I thought it worth mentioning!

FlufferNutter

@terrific I went to Hudson, NY with my husband last October and it was such a cool town! Two hour train ride north of NYC (not sure what driving time would be) and it's on the Hudson River so PRETTY. Lots of antique shops, cafes, restaurants, galleries, and even some rad music venues. We stayed at a B&B (26 Warren it's called) and the room itself was very private (stayed in the only room on the bottom floor) but there was a breakfast with other people. There is supposedly a great historic hotel there, though. Kind of perfect for a quick, romantic trip!

FlufferNutter

@terrific Also, if you do the B&B thing just opt out of breakfast and go find a cute restaurant nearby! I was sort of sad that we didn't get to eat breakfast out, but I'm sure we'll be back.

thisisunclear

@terrific See if there are any last minute air bnb rentals in/around Kingston-Woodstock-Big Indian - it's a short drive from the city, close to Belleayre (or Hunter Mountain) and there's some lovely places to eat/drink (Oriole9 in Woodstock, on Tinker Street, is my favorite!)

Emily Jane McTavish@twitter

@terrific It's an easy drive up to the Berkshires, there are lots of BnB's, Great Barrington is lovely and Butternut is a nice well groomed small ski hill! http://www.skibutternut.com/lodging-dining/b-b-s/

crango

@thisisunclear Tinker Street! I just moved back home on the other side of the river, and you just reminded me I'm due to visit Woodstock again.

Hyde Park and Rhinebeck are also great places to check out! It's a little less than two hours by train (getting off at either Poughkeepsie or Rhinecliff). Lots of little bnb or cheap motels. If you're into historical stuff, there's the FDR Home, Eleanor Roosevelt's estate Val Kill, Mills Mansion, Vanderbilt's mansion, and the Wildenstein home. I'm pretty sure all of those are free, and if there's still snow on the ground, Mills mansion is the best place to go sledding. If you like the outdoors, there are tons of trails around Vanderbilt's estate that go right to the Hudson. Also, there's the walkway over the Hudson, which is really nice. Rhinebeck has a lot of cute shops and cafes, also the oldest inn still functioning in the country!

like a rabid squirrel

@crango I second (third?) the Hudson Valley rec. Other sites around there: Olana (Frederic Edwin Church's house, really cool architecture & lots of paintings), Clermont (big old house), Opus 40 (sculptor's former house, lots of weird spaces to explore, huge outdoor sculptures). Not sure about winter hours for any of these places. Le Canard Enchaine is a wonderful French restaurant in the historic part of Kingston, but a little spendy for sure.

thisisunclear

@Emily Jane McTavish@twitter How could I forget! MassMoCA, happiest place on earth (North Adams)

weebleswobble

@BlueberryFranklin

I was just coming here to say Cape May! Yes!

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

I've been doing a lot of squats and lunges in my weight training, and my legs feel like they're made of some sort of sentient, sore cement. But it feels good? I've come to the conclusion in my life that I'll never be the svelte, androgynous lady I would love to look like, and I'm pretty good at packing on muscle, so I'm going to be the strongest version of myself I can be.

Best pun ever.

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose I would kill for legs of sentient cement.

Mae
Mae

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose I've been doing this too, and now I have quads of steel! My only concern is that my legs always seem to be doing most of the work; they're always sore afterward, but my glutes, not so much. I'm thinking I might have bad form - has anyone else had this problem?

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@Mae Are you keeping your butt and chest out when you squat? Sometimes when I get tired I start to slump my shoulders forward and put pressure on my back and quads. I'm really working on strengthening my lower and upper back, as well as my hamstrings, because I'm way stronger on the opposing muscles.

Best pun ever.

@Mae Try doing your squats with a wider stance and push up with your glutes. Do you use weights? I find wide-legged deadlifts amazing for glutes because you can lift way more weight than you could in a squat.

RubeksCube

@Mae Try squeezing your glutes on the way back up. It helps. You may not see a difference for a loooooong time (why??? I have no idea), but it does make them feel like they're working!
@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose Yay for you!!!

Mae
Mae

@Best pun ever. I do use weights, and I also do wide legged deadlifts, though I find them more difficult than squats (probably because I can't use my quads as much).

@I'm Right on Top of That, Rose I think I do slump forward when I'm squatting, so I'll have to try working on that.

Valley Girl

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose With everybody trumpeting that they're on Resolution Regimens I'm really motivated to have and work toward fitness goals that are unrelated to body shape/size. It's so hard but I'm trying.

Congrats on your workout progress!

MilesofMountains

Is this the thread where I can ask for squat posture advice?! Because I had one of the weightlifting grunter guys approach me recently to tell me that he thinks I might be bending too forward when I squat and now I'm unsure. I do bend a lot more forward than he does, or a lot of the other guys do. I do keep my back pretty straight, but I bend forward a lot at the hips, almost like a Good Morning. If I try and bend forward less, I fall over backwards near the bottom of the squat (which is not embarassing AT ALL). How do I fix it?

garli

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose As a life long lunge/squat lover (to the point where as a teenager my mother would tell me to stop doing them so that my legs wouldn't be so huge any more) I have to say yay! You're pretty much instantly better at all the fun things in the world when you do a million squats and lunges.

RubeksCube

@MilesofMountains I think the key is to think less about leaning/bending forward less, and more about centering your body weight as you go down. Keeping you back straight is key, but I find it helps to use the yoga trick of imagining someone is pulling you straight with a string attached to the top of your head (That may be the worst description ever. Can someone else help??). It keeps me from leaning too far back OR forward.

PistolPackinMama

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose Rose, are you living my exercise life? I am totally ready to harvest whole farms and build whole railroads with my beefy, muscle heavy upper body, and strong legs.

Weights. Awesome. Weights, also more my speed than ballet was ever going to be. I want to join an over 30's rugby league for ladies.

mysterygirl

@MilesofMountains: Is there a female trainer at the gym whom you can ask? I was just thinking that since women have a lower center of gravity than men, women's posture might look slightly different in the same exercise to prevent toppling. Or if that's just something I made up, maybe a woman would be able to give instructions on how to better maintain the proper posture without falling since she'd be more likely to relate to your body structure (while a man with the center of gravity in his chest would not).

frigwiggin

My boyfriend and I are having lunch with my dead best friend's mom tomorrow, and I'm nervous about it! I mean, my friend and I were really, really close for 10+ years before she died (almost two years ago at the end of the month), and I was over at their house ALL THE TIME between middle school and high school, and they took me on all sorts of trips and she was like another mom to me, but I haven't seen her in probably a year. I fell out of touch with the family a little bit after my friend died because it was so emotional and hard and I feel kind of awkward when I see them, like things are strained and will never be as easy and fun as they were when she was alive. And she was the biggest connection we had, so I don't know what we'll talk about, and I won't know what to do if one of us cries--or we'll chat and be pretend-cheerful but it will feel hollow and I'll still come away feeling terrible? I don't know. I don't know what my feelings are, and I feel crummy about not contacting her in so long (although she didn't contact me either), but just...argh. I am overthinking this and should just let it happen and try to let it be as good as it can be, but I don't know.

BlueberryFranklin

@frigwiggin ack. I have been there. Or rather, I am there, with a dead best friend whose parents I'm really awkward around now. I feel like when I'm around it's *more* obvious that their daughter has died. I don't have any good ideas, but I know exactly the thing you're talking about. Best of luck.

katiemcgillicuddy

@frigwiggin I've been there, too, so sorry you have to deal with this. I did a terrible job staying in touch with one of my best friend's family after she died, I feel awful about it, but have no idea what I would even say at this point (they live in a different state, so it's not like I run into them at the grocery store). Part of it definitely, like @BlueBerryFranklin said, is that I'm convinced it must be so much more obvious she's gone when I or any other of her friends are around. I think you're right, though, that you're overthinking it. Even if you still feel crappy after seeing her, part of you will feel better for at least making an attempt to see her, right? Good luck and I hope everything turns out okay.

Judith Slutler

@frigwiggin OK here is what I always do with stuff like that, I plan to write the person a nice note afterwards. Don't plan anything about the meeting, but set out a pretty notecard and plan to write her a note saying "thanks for lunch, it was nice seeing you" etc. Now you are both expectation-free, and prepared with a plan!

geek_tragedy

@frigwiggin

I'm so sorry that you Blueberry Franklin have endured such a devastating loss. I haven't been in your situation, but I have spent a lot of time with my friends' parents, and especially, parents whose lives are very different from mine. Often we have little in common.

What's helped me most recently is just to be in the moment with them, and not overthink what I am saying (although obviously you'll have to be more careful about what you say.) But what I do is that I just stay in that moment, and I breathe deeply. I know it sounds cheesy, but it's all you can do in these situations. You can't substitute for your best friend, and you can't change what happened, but you can just be there with her parents. I think your physical presence will be enough, in the sense that you will remind them that they've not lost everyone, and that there are still people who care. You know? Or maybe I'm totally wrong.

angelinha

@frigwiggin I also haven't been in this situation, but I don't think you should worry about making her absence feel more obvious by being there. Her mom remembers her every day and can't do anything to change that, so you're not going to make it more painful - I'd imagine that remembering the light you and her daughter shared will make her happy. It's also just good to be with people who remember the people we loved.

harebell

@BlueberryFranklin @frigwiggin
I just wanted to second angelinha, because she is so right. Your best friend's parents already think about her every day, so you're not going to remind them of her more than that. Don't worry about that.

Also, you can't know how other people deal with loss, so it's much better not to second-guess, and just go moment-by-moment. I know I personally always like to casually mention or tell stories about the family members I've lost in my life, in the same way that I tell stories about people who are still alive -- never mentioning the dead is weird, and seems to "erase" them more to me. I also like seeing the friends of my dead family members and being remembered by them, because I *like* being reminded of my dead family members. If you loved somebody dearly, as long as there's no guilt issue, then you almost always love remembering them, even if it's mixed in with pain at the loss. Since you have that pain anyway, regardless.
I hope you can take the meeting with the parents lightly and gently, not heavily, and enjoy your time with them as much as possible.

KatieBarTheDoor

I'm here in Boston now. The move went pretty well, and we're mostly settled... just getting used to the small apartment/hearing your neighbors thing. I've mostly been sitting at home looking for jobs the past few days while my husband works, and that's already getting old. Anything fun coming up? Boston meetup, perhaps?

KatieBarTheDoor

PS, anything at all related to the Boston area that you have to share is appreciated! (Previous "how to dress" advice-- such as fleece-lined tights-- has proven quite useful.)

districter

@KatieBarTheDoor I have only been to Boston once, but I went to Flour bakery each day while I was there and I couldn't reccomend it enough.

Lily Rowan

@KatieBarTheDoor Boston loves a meetup!! Are you in the google group? It's here: https://groups.google.com/forum/#!forum/boston-hairpin There's also a book club!

Where exactly do you live? (I mean, not exactly-exactly.)

Welcome!!

AmeliaBadelia

@KatieBarTheDoor Welcome to Boston! :)

SarahP

@Lily Rowan I was going to ask the same thing! In what area do you live?

And welcome!

KatieBarTheDoor

@Lily Rowan Thank you, and I will join the google group! Unfortunately I'm not actually *in* Boston; I'm north in Burlington (am I still allowed to say Boston?) because my husband's job is here. But it's not far!

@districter I am down with any and all bakeries. I've also heard Mike's is good?

SarahP

@KatieBarTheDoor Yeah Boston suburb people! You're still in Greater Boston.

Lily Rowan

@KatieBarTheDoor As a non-driver, I think Burlington is far, but realize it is not actually, in the real world. And I don't know if it actually helps, but I'm pretty sure we have some north-of-Boston folks already.

Roxanne Rholes

@KatieBarTheDoor Welcome to Boston! Yay!

stonefruit

@KatieBarTheDoor aww, as a displaced Bostonian, welcome to ah fayah city! (Car Talk joke.) And if there's a meet-up over MLK weekend, I might be able to come as I'll be in town visiting the stonefruit parents :)

Daisy Razor

@KatieBarTheDoor People say Modern Pastry is better than Mike's, but I think they just mean "slightly less touristy." My money is on Flour or Lyndell's. < /old townie>

Roxanne Rholes

@Daisy Razor If you're in the North End and you want baked goods, you could also go to Lulu's on Salem Street. Everything is made from scratch and the baker/owner is a single mom who is lovely!

KatieBarTheDoor

@Roxanne Rholes Well, gee, I guess I'll just have to try ALL of these places. You know, for the sake of research.

Hoping I can meet some of your Bostonians (Bostoners?) soon!

TheLetterL

@Daisy Razor Hell yes, Lyndell's. Ricotta pie and amazing old-school cupcakes (i.e. none of this high falutin' foodie flavah mumbo-jumbo, ya want v'nilla or choc-lut?)

And also, WELCOME!

Faintly Macabre

@Daisy Razor I like Modern way more than Mike's--prettier, better coffee, and somehow I always managed to get a table.

If you go to Flour, get the baked French toast or apple snacking spice cake! And if you go to the Flour by MIT, you can eavesdrop on conversations between brilliant people from around the world. I'm pretty snobby about homemade-style baked goods because I'm a good home baker, and I love Flour.

And the Lyndell's in the North End is tiny, but the Somerville Lyndell's is super-cheap and the Central Lyndell's has a ton of options/chairs.

@Daisy Razor Stop making me miss all of my favorite Boston places!

cocokins

@KatieBarTheDoor I have fond memories of the Burlington Mall, as that is where my grandparents used to take me on special days out (I grew up in southern NH, which is only about 30 minutes from Burlington). Sigh. There were fountains!

NeenerNeener

Too bad boyofdestiny isn't around, he's pretty passionate about the Mike's/Modern debate.

@KatieBarTheDoor - Welcome! In addition to meet-ups, we have a Hairpin book club that's meeting soon - you could join that! I'm kind of in a rush to leave work, so I'll link to the group later, or maybe someone else can.

NeenerNeener

PS, Bostonians is correct.

AmeliaBadelia

Any Drynuary pinners out there? I'm on day 11 and still going strong. And by strong, I mean generally full of regret but still not drinking out of sheer stubbornness and desire to prove everyone wrong. Is it too soon to discuss best practices for breaking the fast?

Stacy Worst

@AmeliaBadelia I think it is too soon. I'm willing to discuss drinking ginger tea out of a 1L Bitburger stein, or how much is too much Apple Cider Vinegar Drink, if you would like.

OhMarie

@AmeliaBadelia I am drinking way too much diet soda but also going strong.

nerdicity

@AmeliaBadelia I'm doing this. I don't know if it's going well. I kind of want to break it tomorrow when I'm out with friends. 11 days is a perfectly legit fast. who said it had to be a month?

AmeliaBadelia

@Sister Administrator I've been drinking a whole lot of tea. And water. And milk. And smoothies. In fact, I think my liquid intake overall has skyrocketed since removing alcohol from my diet.

meetapossum

@AmeliaBadelia Too soon! But I'm also going strong. I'm starting to get smug? And I've only had one friend whine about the fact that I wasn't drinking. Coffee has been my crutch, but I love coffee, and my caffeine tolerance rivals my old alcohol tolerance, so it's ok.

Hot Doom

@AmeliaBadelia I'm in more of the Lame-uary camp because I started with Drynuary on the 2nd and got all excited but then realised I was meeting up with friends the following weekend in the land of pubs, then going abroad later in the month for husband's birthday, sooo, that ended. I try to not drink Sunday-Thursday, which usually works. SO I think this means, I am not doing so well. Maybe Dry-bruary?

AmeliaBadelia

@meetapossum Oh I'm totally getting smug. Oh, you had a hangover on your Saturday? Well *I* felt fresh as a daisy and ready to conquer the world! Boom. Gloating.

meetapossum

@AmeliaBadelia Right? You just woke up? Oh, I've been to the gym and the grocery store and did some yoga and now I'm just reading a bit.

coolallison

@AmeliaBadelia I had no idea a month could feel so long. I have already invited people over to my house for the super bowl because I was thinking if I had a big goal for boozing after the month, that I would be more likely to make it... but I dunno. There is something so wonderful about ending a stressful day with a glass of wine and all the tea in the world just does not take the desire away.

I am also finding that I actually have no idea what to do on the weekends without booze. All my plans seem to always center around "let's meet somewhere for drinks!"

meetapossum

@coolallison I still do my regular bar thing and stick to soda water and coffee, but it does lead to me usually being a little bored or leaving early (which can be a good thing). Sometimes drunk people are not fun to hang out with if you're not drunk, too. :/

coolallison

@meetapossum It actually is kind of eye-opening to be sober around a bunch of drunk people. Surely I'm not that irritating when I've been drinking, right?!

lookuplookup

@AmeliaBadelia I'm still going strong, but have never been much of a weekday drinker, so the real test is going to be whether or not my boyfriend and I stress drink after work tonight because I just had a mind numbing 45 minute phone call and he just wrote a 5-digit check as a down payment on a house.

fruiting body

@AmeliaBadelia I think I am having the opposite experience from most other drynuary participants - I feel a whole lot better and don't miss booze AT ALL. The first week was rough because I was breaking a habit, but now I feel like I could easily go two or three months before I want another drink.

meetapossum

@fruiting body I'm also feeling like, "I COULD GO FOREVER," but I think I may just be on the second week high.

fruiting body

@meetapossum We'll have to meet back here and see how we feel next week :)

Stacy Worst

@fruiting body I also feel better. Sleep is better. I happen to be going through a lot of life changes this month too, and I'm feeling grateful for Drynuary because it's giving me an excuse not to drink, whereas I would probably be using the stress as an excuse to drink.

meetapossum

@Sister Administrator Sleep is worse for me, but I'm finding better ways to deal with my drinking triggers. My friend lent me this 28-day yoga book from the 60s and it is GREAT.

meetapossum

Yesterday I discovered that my friends are kind of annoying when they're all wasted and I'm not! Womp womp. I still love them lots, just not at 12:30am when I'm exhausted and they still want to party.

raised amongst catalogs

I don't have cable so I was JUST ABLE to watch season 3 of Justified on dvd and I am dying over how amazing it was. Now I just have to wait, uh, like a year...and then I can watch season 4.

professionalmess

@raised amongst catalogs Can you get them on Amazon? I don't have BBC, so I'm going to do that for Dr. Who so I don't have to wait for it to come to Netflix. It's usually like $1-2/episode, but sometimes you can get a discount if you "subscribe" to the show.

Jane Err

@raised amongst catalogs AAH! I finished Season 2 a few months ago and then got sidetracked watching, like all the X-Files. I need a break to go back to Raylan, my Raylan.

raised amongst catalogs

@Jane Err Do you find yourself attracted to both Raylan and Boyd? If so, do you (like me) spend a lot of time trying to figure out which one you are more attracted to?
Also, Raylan and Boyd both have the best arms-not-moving walks.

Jane Err

@raised amongst catalogs Yes, absolutely. Boyd is so hot, and I got really excited when I saw Django, Unchained because he has a small part in it. I like to stare at him and his gummy mouth and his straight-armed walk.

raised amongst catalogs

@Jane Err Walton Goggins was about 80% of the reason I saw "Lincoln." I also really enjoyed his interview on Fresh Air (forever ago, but still enjoyable).

raised amongst catalogs

@professionalmess I may have to look into that. My brother and I were just saying that we'd have a hard time watching an episode and then waiting a week to see what happens next; I'll have to let a few episodes build up and then watch a handful at a time.

harebell

auaaaugh! anybody else down with the flu?
the mayor of my major metropolitan city just declared a state of emergency because of the flu, so i know i'm not alone.
for the moment the worst that i feel tons of pressure be working anyway, despite fever, headaches, streams of snot... but when i do, it's definitely poor quality delirious work. yet -- there are deadlines that won't bend. and i'm going to go on a full-day job interview next wednesday, again no chance to reschedule. sooo unhappy. if anyone has tips for performing/traveling in airplanes while sick, do let me know.
(i also feel bad about potentially spreading it, but it's the kind of situation where there is zero chance that i can reschedule -- there is no room for being human & sick with this particular interview situation).

OhMyGoshYouGuys

@harebell In all seriousness, wear a face mask when traveling. It may look a little Contagion, but you'll keep it from spreading to others while protecting yourself from other ickies. I hope you feel better.

Marquise de Morville

@harebell If you need to travel by plane, make sure your nose/ears are free, or in case you have good insurance get yourself checked out by an ear nose throat specialist beforehand. Flying with stuffy ears/nose can lead to ruptured eardrums in the worst case (not meaning to frighten you). Try to get as much rest as possible rest and wear a breath mask thingy on the plane - pretend it's because you are a hypochondriac and not sick - but wear one to protect others? Bring saline spray? Get better!

LordHennyson

@harebell I JUST got over it. Today was my first time stepping out the door in almost a week. My best of luck and sympathy--it was definitely the sickest I've been in a few years, but at least it's not the norovirus because I had that 10 years ago when it went around and that one was a monster

up cubed

@harebell Take zinc lozenges and Echinacea ASAP to (possibly) reduce the length of the cold, plus regular decongestants and pain meds for comfort.

HeyMatilda

@harebell I will forever swear by the Neti Pot or some other version of a saline rise for those that are crossed out by the pot. It feels like it doesn't work the first few times you do it but you'll be surprised how psyched you are when yellow snot starts coming out!

crango

@harebell For once, my lousy immune system is holding up fairly well and I haven't caught it yet (knock on wood. I start a new job on Monday though and knowing my luck, that's when I'm going to come down with it. For now, I'm chugging as much Airborne as I can.

I hope you feel better soon! Try to get as much sleep as you can, drink lots of clear fluids, and don't push yourself more than you have to! I was in crazy workaholic mode last year because of grad school and was perpetually sick with this one bug that never fully went away because I wouldn't rest and it was the worst!

harebell

@harebell
Thanks, all! I will take plenty of decongestant & the saline rinse before getting on the plane, and also try to find a mask to wear on the plane, both to protect other people & also maybe to keep my airways from getting dry and cracked. Dear god! Thanks for the sympathy -- it really does help a lot. You guys are lovely.

tambourine

i feel basically dead. my boyfriend is coming to stay for the weekend and we've been invited to a party... but i kind of just want to stay in and play skyrim. i am a terrible host.

Biketastrophy

@tambourine Depending on how far he's coming from/how much of a gamer he is this could be fine. Skyrim is so good.

If you have the ability/can acquire a second tv/console/computer set up a second tv and play stuff next to each other? Thats always fun.

planforamiracle

@tambourine Aw. I know the feeling. Be kind to yourself, tambourine!
This also gives me a little bit of the sads since my old boyfriend and I used to play Skyrim at his house. We'd text each other things like "hey, how's your day going? I'm just in the biggest Dwemer ruin ever.. NBD."

ReginaSavage

My life is a complete and utter shit show.

I hate it.

Judith Slutler

@ReginaSavage Oh babe. You were having boyfriend issues, right? what is up?

ReginaSavage

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose Fuck.... Where do I even start

- I got a notice of eviction for non-payment of rent last night because I took a rent deduction I'm legally able to take but because the form I printed from the city's website was out of date the management of my building refuses to accept it. I'm talking to the landlord now to sort something out, but really; I lived there for 2 years, always paid rent in full and on time and now they want to evict me over $6.35.

- A friend of ours is staying with my bf and I until he gets a new place. Oh yeah, and his 70lbs super-shedding dog. 3 adults and a dog in a 1 bedroom. We've already totally re-arranged our living room to accomodate him and give him a little privacy, but last night he says "Is it okay if I move my bed in here from my old place?" He wants to put a queen mattress in the middle of my living room. And despite the fact that I've made him aware of our bandwith limit for our internet (its pretty low), he still sits there all night watching YouTube on his phone....

- I got promoted (YAY!) but my pay raise doesn't take effect until NEXT pay period which isn't until next week. And I'm so freaking broke...

- My bf called me at work this morning to let me know that my BRAND NEW macbook that my parents gave me for xmas isn't working. Plugged in, won't power on. I freak the fuck out and bawl my eyes out in the bathroom at work for about 15 min because that was the one thing that broke me. I've been without a computer/internet at home since October, I've had the new mac only since Christmas and its already dead. Thankfully I talked him through a few things and we got it working again.

- I'm on my period too, so everything makes me much more emotional than it would normally. Also, no sex. :(

ReginaSavage

@Emmanuelle Cunt Boyfriend issues happened like this: in early September he and I had it out because he refused to act like the grown ass man he is and I was sick of having to do everything for him. So I kicked him out and he went back to live with his folks for a few weeks. We talked about everything and what went wrong to see if we could fix things. Time and distance did their thing and we worked our shit out. We're back together (and living together) but much work still needs to be done. Things are, overall much MUCH better, but its a work in progress.

iceberg

@ReginaSavage Tell your houseGUEST that sorry but no, it is not okay to put a giant fucking bed in your living room. Don't say "fucking" just be polite but firm.

ReginaSavage

@iceberg I asked where he would put it and he said "Well I'll move this couch" (the one he's currently sleeping on is a pull-out) "and put the bed here." And I just looked at him and said "Dude, that's way too much furniture, we're cramped in here as it is." I get it, he wants to be comfortable and all, but seriously! My bf has already sacrificed his drawing desk to make room for the guy in the first place...

Judith Slutler

@ReginaSavage Wait does this houseguest have a time limit on how long he's staying?

I'm so glad you and your bf are doing better together.

noodge

@iceberg i <3 the amount that people have said "fuck" on the hairpin today. it feels especially fanfuckingtastic.

geek_tragedy

@ReginaSavage

Oh man! That sucks, I'm so sorry. Poor you! Seriously. Shut that houseguest down. Take it from me (I always have houseguests, seriously always.) He needs rules. He should be adding to your life in a positive way, like by re-assembling the sofa bed and by keeping things clean and by helping where he can, and defo by NOT using up your internet. EFF NO.

Also, I'm sorry things have been so crap for you. It sounds like you need a bit of calm and quiet to figure out your own stuff, and you're not getting that at the moment.

ReginaSavage

@Emmanuelle Cunt No. This is part of the problem and I need to do something about it. My BF and I have been planning on moving out of our terrible apartment for a while, but we're waiting for the bank to call and let him know the money we need has been transfered to his account. We told our friend that we are waiting to move, but we have no exact timeline. The next place will be at least a 2 bedroom, so if he's still with us when that happens we will all have a little more privacy.

Until then, I'm actually surprised at how much of a pain in the ass he's being. Because among our group of friends he and I are known as the 2 'calm, collected ones'. Which was the ONLY reason I agreed to let him stay with us, because I figured he wouldn't cause too much trouble considering we're doing him a HUGE favour.

iceberg

@ReginaSavage Was he at least polite and gracious about your refusal? might have been a "no harm in asking" thing, although seems obvious to us.

Judith Slutler

@ReginaSavage Oh dear. I lived in an apt where one roommate had a huge room and let a friend stay there indefinitely - he was a cool guy, everyone loved him, but by the end of the 6 month room sharing period, he and my roommate were no longer friends.

Yall gotta set a deadline. Make it independent from your moving plans. That dude can always consider moving back in with you once you have a 2 bedroom place, right?

You may sadly be learning that he perceives "calm and collected" as "person I can walk all over" :/

Judith Slutler

@ReginaSavage Also I hope dude is paying a portion of your rent. I hope to high heaven that he is paying rent!!!

ReginaSavage

@iceberg My refusal of what? Bed in the living room? My BF chimed in after I said it would be too crowded and asked him why he didn't just go and get the air mattress we lent him which is, pretty friggin' comfy.

@Emanuelle Cunt its possible that he might migrate with us to the new place, but if/when that happens it will have an expiration date. I will not let him move to a new place with us without one.

ReginaSavage

@Emmanuelle Cunt Yes! He IS paying rent, buying his own groceries, chipping in on bills and he has claimed doing dishes as "his" chore. Otherwise he helps my bf out with whatever needs to be done.

Judith Slutler

@ReginaSavage Thank goodness!

roadtrips

@ReginaSavage Ohhhh honey, I'm sorry! I was homeless for almost six months last year (partially living in my not really livable workspace) and when I stayed with friends I was super aware that there are etiquette rules for all long-term houseguests. It could be that this dude is just totally oblivious, in which case maybe you could lay out a few ground rules? Is he pitching in for groceries and other shared expenses? Does he do the dishes and keep the living room especially tidy? I sometimes am just astonished when people can live rent-free with their friends and totally take advantage of the generosity that is being shown them. As for your rent/eviction situation, you should look into renter's rights organizations. They'll often do pro-bono work or at least offer you some free advice. Often with stuff like this, all it takes is an equally petty paperwork error to completely undermine the management company's case. Good luck!

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@ReginaSavage Criminy. That's some shit luck. I'm a bit past the point in my day where I can give good advice, so I'll just say "fuck" for you about 63 times.

lora.bee

East Van Soul Night tonight, everybody come dance!!!

One of my best friends just moved to town, we be celebratin'.

Reginal T. Squirge

Hey, just another reminder that Portland Hairpin Book Club meets on the last Sunday of each month at Liberty Glass at 4PM. This month, we're reading Doctor Zhivago.

We'll be watching the (long-ass but still great) movie at my place on Saturday, the 26th (the day before book club) so let me know if you want to come to that and I'll give you the rest of the info.

If you're reading this, you are invited!

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@Reginal T. Squirge
Also Chicago is meeting tomorrow! (Though I personally can't make it.)

thisisunclear

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll We are awesome if absent supporters of book clubbing. I really look forward to making time to read a book for fun in 2013...eventually.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@thisisunclear
You call 'County' fun? Girl, you're sick.

thisisunclear

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll ha. yes, I know.

Inkling

Hey people, especially blog-posting people!
So assuming one is artistically inclined and loves writing and thinks a webcomic version of her novel will lead to feedback/success/love/publication/whatever, how the heck do you make a webcomic? Like the... web part of it?

ALSO My personality psychology behavior just dropped a "why do men seek relationships with many different women and women are so selective, evolutionary theory can help to explain this" bomb. We are going to have to discuss this.

>:(

runner in the garden

@Inkling I know many folks use ComicPress (a Wordpress plugin). Depending on your audience and format you may even find that Tumblr is sufficient.

Probs

@Inkling I used to have a webcomic (well, it still exists, but I don't update it) and I used comicspress. Www.thesemireal.com. You can see I did a little bit of customization and stuff, but you can do more with it than that. Tumblr is not a bad idea-basically every comics person is on there, so there's a thriving community. My comic was not read by anyone but my friends so that's as far as I can take you. Well, besides the advice that nothing matters more than quality.

pajamaralls

@Inkling Jeph Jacques, the dude who makes Questionable Content, is on tumblr and he answers a lot of questions about web comics.

I second what Probs said about the community though.

Inkling

Hey, thanks so much for your encouragement :) I've been really sidelines by Cramps From Hell, and haven't even been internetting! Thanks again and I'll give it a real shot.

OhMyGoshYouGuys

I've decided I'm going to get rid of cable TV.

Biketastrophy

@OhMyGoshYouGuys Got rid of it 3 years ago, very few regrets. Netflix/Hulu/Amazon provide much of the same service, especially since no one in my house watches sports.

runner in the garden

@OhMyGoshYouGuys with each passing year "clean" (i.e. without TV) I get more and more weirded out by it when I visit family. Now I'm at the point where a lot of commercials kind of... offend me, on an existential level.

KatieBarTheDoor

@OhMyGoshYouGuys Do it! I did the same thing 2 years ago. Have never regretted it, but I'll admit to enjoying Netflix streaming.

rimy

@OhMyGoshYouGuys Whenever I have cable it sucks my free time into it like a giant black hole. I did not grow up with a TV (religious weirdness) so it's still sort of a novelty and if I have cable I flip through the channels endlessly. I don't have it now but do have Netflix which is nice and I love it.

coolallison

@OhMyGoshYouGuys I get so jealous of people brave enough to ditch cable. I want to but... I'm so addicted.

OhMyGoshYouGuys

@rimy Yes, it is a huge, huge time-suck. And I have so many hobbies that I can just focus more on those.

RK Fire

@OhMyGoshYouGuys My husband and I stopped getting cable three years ago, and we have a digital tuner that we plug in whenever we want to watch football. We still use the tv for video games and netflix, and we have no regrets. None.

A. Louise

@coolallison It's really not so bad, honestly - been living without it for a year and I'm somewhat of a TV junkie. I'm catching up on old shows on Netflix, found some great new ones on Hulu (Three Sheets is fantastic if you like Bourdain and or drinking, it's similar) and Project Runway and a bevy of Lifetime movies are on their site, if you're into that sort of thing.

And for everything else I visit my mom's house and indulge in a few hours of sweet, sweet Cable onDemand.

rallisaurus

@OhMyGoshYouGuys I only miss it for the sports watching.

baked bean

@OhMyGoshYouGuys You will not miss it at all. And you'll wonder how you ever watched it when you see it at someone else's house. The commercials will drive you insane. You'll feel smarter.

miss buenos aires

@baked bean

AND you'll save $100 a month! Do it!

supernintendochalmers

@OhMyGoshYouGuys I recommend buying SD iTunes season passes for any shows you can't live without (Mad Men/Breaking Bad/American Horror Story for me, because AMC and FX shows are impossible to find online). With what you save by ditching cable, you can afford to do this.

Also recommend seeing if your parents or anyone you know has access to HBOGO. It has amazing content and you can stream it on your Xbox 360 if you have one.

OhMarie

Laundry help!

I have this lovely gray cashmere cardigan that I rescued from a Nordstrom Rack a couple of years ago, and my darling husband in a fit of laundry insanity washed everything in the house in super hot water, including this cardigan. It looks ok but is a bit shrunken and maybe kind of....felt-y? Not sure how to describe it, but the texture is definitely off.

Any way to save it, or if not save it, at least improve it a little?

Emby

@OhMarie Mmmmm... no. Right? I mean, it's wool and that's what wool does when it gets too wet and hot. It felts. I've had that happen to a couple of my sweaters, but I think the most you can get out of this is a hubby learning experience. My condolences :(

bitchycrosstownexpress

@OhMarie Eek! Maybe try soaking it in cold water for a while and then stretching it out to the right proportions on a flat surface to dry? I'm no Clean Person, but I knit a lot, and that seems to help when I'm shaping my handknitted things (although not after a hot water bath).

Judith Slutler

@OhMarie I think you can maaaaaybe reshape it if you get it wet and stretch it out to dry. But felted wool is felted wool. You now have a felted cardigan, sorry :(

OhMarie

@all, yeah, I thought as much. The felting isn't so bad, it's still pretty nice and soft, so I think what I am going to do is a two-pronged solution where I 1) just kind of put it on and button all of the buttons up and wear it around for a while to see if it stretches a bit that way and if that fails, 2) do the get-wet-with-cold-water thing. Oh well. It had a good life. :(

FlufferNutter

@OhMarie Oh noooo! The worst is that you can't really scold because he was being helpful, but you just want to scream because CASHMERE! I have been there too many times to count. Sorry for your loss!

karenb

@OhMarie definitely try the cold water soak - stretch out to shape you want - let dry trick. if that fails, though, you may be out of luck for wearing it as a cardi, but it might make a great hat or mittens if you can bring yourself to frankenstein it!

rimy

@OhMarie Oh, I have lost a sweater in the same way. Lovely soft dark grey wool sweater, now the size of a baby shirt :( I guess I will save it for my future baby. If that ever happens. It's still really nice. :( :(

crango

@OhMarie Ugh, the worst! I also had a prized wool cardigan get accidentally tossed in the dryer and now needs to be unshrunk. What I've read is that you soak it in water with either baby shampoo or conditioner (I've seen both used in my googling) to help relax the fibers, and then gently reshape it.

professionalmess

@OhMarie The internet had some vague mentions of vinegar in addition to stretching. By vague mentions, I mean that I saw a website recommend boiling (yes, like in a pot on the stove) in water in vinegar, but that seems so very unsafe.

Faintly Macabre

@OhMarie Not cold! My friend who's a textile student has drilled it into my head that you should actually avoid cold water for wool and silk. Basically, long time spent in water (especially cold), soap, and friction all make wool shrink/felt. I've been washing stuff at 30 celsius since (okay, partly because washers here don't let me wash it colder), and my sweaters and dresses are totally fine.

I had a merino wool sweater shrink and partially felt a few months ago. I was staying with a family friend, and she set her washer to a random setting that must have included a hot water rinse. It was child-sized when it came out! I filled a sink with lukewarm water and a bit of naturalish body wash (online said baby shampoo would relax the fibers but I didn't have any), swished the sweater around a little, patted it dry, and then stretched it out to dry it flat. It didn't return to its full original size and the shoulders stayed kinda felty, but I think it's still wearable by a smaller person than me.

annebee

My dog had an altercation with a raccoon the other night and now she's in the cone of shame, with a shunt in her face to drain away the fluid. Poor girl. I'm playing nurse maid to her right now, which is so hard since she has no idea what's going on. I just gave her a warm compress with Epsom salts and she did NOT like that. Sad puppy

tea sonata

@annebee Aww! We do not like the Cone of Shame. Give her a hug from me!

frenz.lo

@annebee Poor baby! Injured/ailing pets are the saddest thing.

KatieBarTheDoor

Ok, how weird/bad would it be to possibly plan a trip to NYC and *maybe* try to stay with an ex-boyfriend of mine who lives there? I am married. (And we are talking an ex from looong ago, like age 16, with whom I've remained relatively friendly over the years.) I don't know if he would even be cool with that OR if I'd even want to stay with him, but is it an option? What about bringing my husband vs visiting solo?

Biketastrophy

@KatieBarTheDoor Has your husband met the guy before? As a married dude I'd probably be cool if I met the guy before, but wary if I had never met him.

Emby

@Biketastrophy This could just be projecting, but I'd also do a little soul-searching before committing to staying with an ex. If you're sure that your own motives are purer than the driven snow, then I guess it's not so big a deal. But that also sounds like the beginning to the story than continues, "And there wasn't any room on the couch, and my back was hurting, and I had to shower somewhere, and I mean, what's the big deal, we're all adults here right?..."

But I've been known to be wrong.

runner in the garden

@KatieBarTheDoor ask the husband first! If he's cool with it, ask the guy. And if it seems like weirdness might come up, either forget the whole thing, or be really explicit in advance about boundaries?

KatieBarTheDoor

@Biketastrophy No, he hasn't. By the time I was with Husband, Ex had already moved to the city. I actually don't think Husband would feel weird about it because he gets along with everyone (and, frankly, would love a free place to stay), but I do think it would be weirder for Ex because he is kind of an awkward person. Which is why I think it could be more fun to hang out with him alone? (Aah, I feel awful even saying that because it makes me sound like a sneaky bad-wife person!) Ok, just from typing that-- staying with him probably NOT ok. (ETA-- because it's just weird, not because anything would happen.)

KatieBarTheDoor

@Emby Yeah, I was afraid it would sound like that.

entangled

@KatieBarTheDoor I think it really depends on the people. My husband and I have stayed with my ex and his wife overnight before when visiting their city. A couple of my husband's exes have visited us and stayed over - sometimes with significant others, usually not. None of this has ever been even close to awkward. Is he a friend first or an ex first? I think that's really what it comes down to. Though the fact that you think it would be awkward having your husband around makes me think that it might not be the best idea...

thatgirl

It is my birthday party tonight!

But also, I am having so many problems with anxiety and frustration and anger recently, and it's scaring me, but I still have this mental block about how since I'm not suicidal therapy is not for me and I should save the resources for people who really need them.

Also I haven't been sleeping well at all.

up cubed

@thatgirl My therapist recommended meditation classes for anxiety. Her description is that anxiety is about the future, so focusing on the present helps stop the cycle. I know there are lots of free online recordings for meditation, but I also like going to a group class. It is really reassuring to see all the normal people who look ok on the outside, but who also have some mental health issues they want to improve.

terrific

@thatgirl Meditation really is great for anxiety. Very true. Also good for anxiety: Therapy! It's okay! You can do it, even if you feel like your problems are dumb and pointless and not worth a therapists time, because none of that is true at all.

iceberg

@thatgirl Please go to therapy, darlin'. I JUST went to my first session this week (depression, frustration and anger = me) and I can already tell it will help.

A timeslot at the therapists =/= a bed in a womens shelter, or a plate at the soup kitchen.

iceberg

@iceberg or, "you're worth it".

crango

@thatgirl Just because you aren't suicidal doesn't mean you don't need therapy! I've got out of control anxiety and it helps a lot! My therapist has me doing DBT, which I think was actually developed for borderline personality disorders, but does wonders for anxiety. It took me a really long time to finally go because I felt I didn't have a right to be feeling so unhappy despite having a pretty decent lot in life, and I really regret not going sooner. If you feel you need it, you need it!

Porn Peddler

My roomie moved out today and I already miss her so goddamn much. I had no idea I had it in me to enjoy a room mate other than Mister, but we both loved her. Ugh. She is welcome to stay at our place as often as she likes. whimper.

as usual, if you want smut/advice on filthy things, hi, I'm porn peddler, have we met?

lasso tabasco

@Porn Peddler GIVE ME SMUT

LeafySeaDragon

moved recently from the west coast to the east coast. HATE IT. people are different here. i miss or and ca. pa is terrible.

katiemcgillicuddy

@LeafySeaDragon Aw, I'm sorry it hasn't gone well so far. I'm not sure where in PA (which, yes, isn't my favorite place on earth) but think of it this way! You have so many cool cities you can pretty easily visit now! Come to DC/Baltimore for a visit, I promise we can be a lot of fun and we won't bite (I swear most of us won't bite). Really though, if you want super friendly people, get to Baltimore, posthaste.

LeafySeaDragon

@katiemcgillicuddy tbf i live in what is described as "not the worst" (HA! this is serioulsy what people say) area in philly. i've lived in some of the worst ca had to offer and nothing can touch this. it's just such a culture of violence. planning on moving to south jersey next year which from what i can see is like orange county with trees and no left turns.

khaleesi

@LeafySeaDragon I moved here from London a few months ago and had to take a 15min break at work today to cry in the bathroom. They say it gets better so I'm just holding out for that. Let's hope we both feel better soon.

katiemcgillicuddy

@khaleesi It will totally get better!You just need time to adjust, and London ain't exactly a car trip away, so I'm sure it's even harder.

noodge

@LeafySeaDragon ummmm.... south jersey is really awful. i transplanted from san diego to philly a few years ago and love it! which is really interesting, i wonder what the difference is? i live in Fishtown, and first fridays are a revelation - tons of cool stuff to do on Frankford Ave. The music scene is pretty sweet here, and there are tons of activities (like dance or yoga classes or beer clubs or book clubs or language clubs). let me know if you want to know more! because really, ughhhh south jersey.

LeafySeaDragon

@khaleesi just remember that most of the time people are not trying to be abrasive, they are just loud. (*hugs*)

katiemcgillicuddy

@LeafySeaDragon Oh girl, Philly. I really want to defend it but, well, I have my own personal vendetta against it. BUT. 2 of my best friends are from the area and while they make many a comment about it's negative aspects, they still love hanging out there. You will get used to it! You just gotta find your people and your places, you know? Moving to South Jersey sounds like a good idea, for all the jokes people make about Jersey I've always really, really liked that part of the state! You're gonna be fine :)

LeafySeaDragon

@noodge i'm in pt richmond but on the bad side. i have not been out to do anything fun at all (kids!)

khaleesi

@LeafySeaDragon So true. I actually just made said in an email to a friend earlier this week that I really missed the British reservedness.

I don't actually mind the city so much (I live in NY) but I did hate Philly on a visit there so can sympathise. My biggest issue is work. I'm doing the same job I did in London but with a completely new set of people who are nice but it doesn't go beyond that.

So I sit here listening to them going on about the drinks they're going to or the party one of them is having and that all the others are going to and nobody invites me. And I had the greatest colleagues at home who became good friends which makes it harder.

I don't think they exclude me on purpose, it simply doesn't occur to them to invite me to things I think. And I'm British, I don't impose on people so would hate having to ask for an invite. So then begins the self pity of wondering why my colleagues don't like me more or want to socialise more.

Sorry to have gone on for so long, but having been on and off crying all afternoon your post of having moved from home and hating it really spoke to me.

LeafySeaDragon

@khaleesi fwiw i've been told by phillyians (phillistines LOL) that my accent makes me seem stuck up and too feminine (?!) it's so strange to be in a place where everyone speaks differently. i've only moved cross country, you've moved across an ocean, i think you deserve some homesick tears.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@katiemcgillicuddy
Yeah, over xmas a friend from Pa. was saying how he's contemplating moving to Baltimore because, on OKC, all of the interesting girls are from there! A good sign for Baltimore, I think.

noodge

@LeafySeaDragon hm. when i was in SoCal, i was told that i was "too abrupt" and my words were "too big". soooo, i guess we're all unique snowflakes? hahah. i hated california.

LeafySeaDragon

@noodge those would def be things that i would say about east coasters.

katiemcgillicuddy

@LeafySeaDragon Anyone...with a Philly accent...making fun of any other accent is just...no.

noodge

@LeafySeaDragon really? that our words are too big?

RubeksCube

@LeafySeaDragon I live here, too!!! And I am also an elsewhere-transplant. There are friendly people, I swear there are, but I am also living in So. Jersey, so I may be biased. Anyway, welcome!!!

LeafySeaDragon

@noodge i was thinking in terms of the vowel sounds making tiny words gigantic... :P

honey cowl

@LeafySeaDragon The person that I most hated (here on the W coast) was from Philly (and has since gone back, good riddance), but as long as you don't hang out with him you will be fine.

I have empathy for you. Moving away from home is haaaard. YOU CAN DO IT!

Faintly Macabre

@LeafySeaDragon I will ignore the things you're saying about my city (best city on earth thank you) because I'm living in a new city/country and know what it's like to start hating everything/everyone because you feel so alienated.

Anyway, since I can't empathize with your Philly hate, maybe I can help? Whereish do you live, and if it's terrible and dangerous, can you move? One of the things I love about Philly is that it has all kinds of neighborhoods and people--Ethiopian neighborhoods, Vietnamese neighborhoods, Latino neighorhoods, giant Victorian houses in one section, rowhouses in another. Some parts of the city are hideous, and some are as beautiful as any other city I've been to. (Also, the accent varies a lot, especially in areas full of transplants.)

Parts of South Jersey are pretty, but I have never been a big fan. It's so spread out! If I ever lived in Jersey, it'd probably be way out in the boonies, far away from the NYC/Philly suburbs.

bitchycrosstownexpress

@LeafySeaDragon The first winter after I moved to New York I spent the whole time going WHAT DID I DOOOOOOO IT'S SO DARK AND COLD AND WHY IS IT STILL LIKE THIS IN MARCH. And I came from Oklahoma so I can only imagine what the shock is like from California.

Not that your problem is entirely weather related, but I've talked to other people from Southern/Western climates that also agreed their first Northeastern winter sucked, so I bet it's not helping.

LeafySeaDragon

@Faintly Macabre i know i'm being negative. i'm just stuck my my neighborhood. my husband works in jersey so he's gone from like 7am-6pm with my car. i have been to fairmount park which is lovely, and i've been downtown a bit on some feildtrips with the school. i think the part of SJ that i like is boonyish? like cinnaminson? i've only been in port richmond, fishtown, up in SJ near the moorestown and cherry hill malls. i need to check it out more, i've only been in philly since sept.

LeafySeaDragon

@bitchycrosstownexpress not the weather! you have not seen depression inducing seasons until you've lived in the PNW! the sun this winter has been a bright spot for me.

noodge

@LeafySeaDragon that sucks re: the car :-(
SEPTA is actually pretty usable, and if you live near Frankford, the 5 bus goes down through northern liberties and old city where you can hang out in the park, or window shop, or check out the playground at Liberty Lands if you're with your kids. We love our bikes around here too, so if you're solo and want to explore that's a great way to do it - and Google maps has a lovely "bike friendly route" option.

Faintly Macabre

@LeafySeaDragon I assume you've been to Rittenhouse Square (and Capogiro!)? It's not much in the winter, but I could stay there all day in the summer.

West Philly is probably my favorite part of the city, and worth a visit on a nice day. Beautiful houses and tons of trees, and cute places to shop/eat/look in the gentrifying areas and great Indian and Ethopian food in the less-gentrified parts. If I move back next year, that's where I plan to live. Parts of southeast Philly are really lovely, too, though it's a little more patchy.

As for the car thing, is moving at all possible? Some areas are much better-served by SEPTA (ha, as if anything is well-served by SEPTA!) or more bike-friendly than others.

I think Philly's also a city that takes a while to warm up to. All those neighborhoods take a while to discover, and because the city changes so much from one block to the next, people who don't know the city well can stumble across more ugly/dangerous areas than beautiful ones when traveling around. (Which is how I led my friends to a dangerous, drug-infested neighborhood in high school when we just wanted to go to South Street!)

fruiting body

@LeafySeaDragon Can we comiserate? I moved in October from the west coast to London and I hate it too. My husband LOVES it and works full time and I'm unemployed and just not that into the city. :( Blarg.

Homestar Runner

@khaleesi oh, that is so awful. I'm sorry. I've never moved states, let alone countries, but I've always admired the technique of my friend who moves frequently. She basically finds a connection in the city (in this case, her mom was good friends with the mom of my good friend) and is very blunt about "I'm new here, I am up for anything socially, what do you experts think I should try". I know you're feeling all British and reserved, and it may feel like an imposition, but it really won't be! Making it a general call-for-ideas instead of mentioning a specific activity of theirs would prevent it from feeling like you're inviting yourself along.

bitchycrosstownexpress

@LeafySeaDragon Ah, got it. This still feels like not enough sun to me, and I've been here ten years.

Much Ado

@LeafySeaDragon @khaleesi logged in just to say ugh, I have been there and it is the worst. Breaking in to a new town and making it home is exhausting and basically a full time job in and of itself.

And @khaleesi - I'm a NYC based expat too so if you ever want to grab a drink and swap stories about where did all the vowels go and why is the date backwards now, lemme know :)

Bloodrocuted

Who had a good or impressionable teacher for freshmen in college, and what made you happy with them? I teach my first class on Tuesday. Alternately, where are the cyanide pills?

SarahP

@Bloodrocuted Know their names, remember who they are as people, not just as bodies in chairs. I don't know about where you're teaching, but at the school where I taught, most of my students had to take huge intro classes for their first year, and a lot of them told me I was the only teacher who actually knew their names. And I remember from that time that it's easy to feel like a face in the crowd in college--having someone who recognizes you as a person as well as a student is really valuable!

planforamiracle

@Bloodrocuted I had a really cool instructor for an art theory survey I did in first year. I guess the subject matter made it easy for him to be inspiring and quirky, but he just talked like a regular person instead of Orating From On High, (while still being really informative and smart) and that made a big impression on me.
You can do it!

karenb

@Bloodrocuted I had a really great TA who made it clear ahead of time that we would all have to talk at least once in each tutorial, but got one free day each -- it meant that we ended up actually doing the readings, which at the time was obviously a pain, but having that one get-out-of-jail card took some of the pressure off.

smidge

@Bloodrocuted I had a history professor who was really good at reading his audience. One time I asked how Queen Elizabeth I managed to avoid marrying King Phillip (of Spain maybe?) since he kept asking her and wouldn't it make him mad if she turned him down? His answer: "Essentially--she kept saying 'Oh, Phil, you're such a kidder!'" It was such a funny and smart answer. That's not really advice--sorry--but he was full of gems like that, and that was also the first time I learned that we should talk about the way we talk about history, not just the dates and events.

TheLetterL

@Bloodrocuted I remember being a little awed by one freshmen year professor in a small, discussion-based class. He had a knack for drawing out everyone's arguments until even the inane ones sounded halfway reasonable. (Lots of "Interesting. What makes you think that?") He wasn't an easy grader, but he would write an encyclopedia of comments on our papers, so we knew he had read them carefully and took us seriously. You can imagine how impressive that was to a bunch of 18-year-olds in their first semester.

pajamaralls

@Bloodrocuted Sorry this is lengthy, but I had some really great professors as a freshman. I took this humanities class that was year long, with a rotating group of professors. One history professor had re-written versions of songs. There was a Martin Luther version of "Blowin' in the Wind" and "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" about Louis XIV and Versailles. A religion professor would play us songs before his lectures. The White Stripes' "I Can Tell That We Are Gonna Be Friends" before Gilgamesh and Nada Surf's "Always Love" before a lecture on Adam & Eve and Genesis I think.

OH. A Chemistry professor that made the best notes packages that were formatted amazingly and had weren't filled in the all the way, so we had to pay attention, but also so we wouldn't get lost taking notes. It didn't hurt that he was adorable.

PistolPackinMama

@Bloodrocuted Yeah, but she always just glared at us and said "yes but what's the argument."

But I teach college first years, and my working suggestions are:

1) Be enthused. If you love it, at least they can't claim boring unless they really tried.

2) If it's a discussion, don't be afraid to pick on people for answers.

3) Coming at intellectual confrontation side on helps students deal successfully with having their hare-brained ideas challenged. "Well, so, you're saying [hare-brained thing]. That is a thing people think. If that's the position you want to take, you're going to have to account for [these flaws] when you are challenged. How will you do that?

4) My "oh, Phil, you're such a kidder" go-to line is for when students are thinking ahead of their peers/more sophisticatedly than they realize. "You don't know this yet, but a dead French guy called Foucault who is super famous said something similar! He said..."

5) If it's a small enough class, learn their names and use them. Where I live, student reticence is legendary. I actually make them stand up on the first day in gather in the middle of the room, and then make an "agree" sign at one end of the room and a "disagree" sign at the other and then have them align themselves on the spectrum in response to questions. "I have had an embarrassing experience public speaking." "I am a history nerd." "Someone in my family is a first generation immigrant." "I traveled the farthest to come to college." "I traveled the least far to come to college." They have to talk to one another to put themselves in the right place, and they can't not answer. By the end of class they know each other at least a little. If it's a bigger class, I make them ALL put their hands up, and then they lower them, instead of raising them in response to an answer. Again, everyone has to do something, no one can not answer at all. Those kinds of questions are good, even in a quant class, or a class where there is lecture. They need to know each other to study or whatever.

HAVE FUN. IT'S FUN! MAKE PEOPLE EXCITED AT HOW MUCH FUN YOUR THING YOU DO IS.

Jinxie

@Bloodrocuted The only teacher I remember from my first year in college was the grad student (I think?) who taught my Comparative Literature class. He was Irish, had long hair in a ponytail, wore tweed jackets (!!), and CURSED in class. (Coming from suburban Georgia, having a teacher drop an f-bomb in class like it was no big just blew my wee mind.) His last name, I kid you not, was "Fox". So, basically, he was catnip for nerdy and impressionable 18-year old girls.

Jinxie

@Jinxie Hmm, I realize that's not actually a very helpful comment. I'll add this, then: Foxy, in addition to being super hot in a professorial way, was just a really good teacher. He challenged us just enough to get us thinking but not so much as to scare us, since we were only in our first semester in college and everything was new and sometimes scary. It felt amazing to have this smart, grown up, tweed-wearing person talk to us all like we were his peers and not just some doofy kids from the 'burbs.

TheclaAndTheSeals

@Bloodrocuted For freshman especially, make your expectations and rules really, really clear. College classes can be overwhelming, and I remember it being so helpful when instructors handed out detailed syllabi (?) and went over them in class. Think about bringing up stuff that seems obvious, like classroom etiquette. Nothing is obvious when you're a freshman.

Bloodrocuted

Thank all of you for the advise, so very much. I am little less nauseated. It's good that other people manage to teach people, and the new people remember them well.
I will remember who everyone is. I will have anecdotes about everyone and every disorder I mention. I will be questioning, respectful, foxy (not really, but I started vests), and clear. I don't know if I could pull off a ponytail. I think it would just look flat.
Thank you so much!

SarahP

Due to being super sick (flu) last week, and the holidays the week before, I haven't been on the Friday Open Thread in ages and I missed it!

My husband's away for the weekend, which is sad, but to cheer myself up I invited my brother to come hang out with me! The only thing on his agenda is "go to a jazz club." The only thing on my agenda is "Take him to an awesome restaurant." I think we'll have a good weekend!

frigwiggin

My boyfriend and I watched the first episode of the new BBC Africa program last night, and it was delightful! The editing is pretty hilarious and anthropomorphizes the animals kind of heavily, but it cracked me up so I don't care. Good sound/music direction, beautiful (of course), and David Attenborough is his usual charming self. (Although we couldn't help discussing what it would be like if it were Huell Howser instead. "Wooooow! And this has been here how long?" RIP, Huell. I'll always love California's Gold.)

Hot Doom

@frigwiggin Just chiming in to say Huell Howser doing those documentaries is the most brilliant idea. "Gol-LY!" I'm gonna miss that guy.

On a similar note, what's gonna happen when Attenborough dies? Will all of nature and Britain crumble?

Diana

1) So a few weeks ago you guys published the Lazy Man's Guide to Seducing Women and there was that whole bit about Dudes Who Send Ambiguous Texts to avoid sounding overeager "or worse, not chill" and I thought I would mention that I've forwarded that to every woman I know by this point. This is going to be the year I learn how to delete those dudes out of my phone, I swear. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU

2) I made myself a New Year's resolution tumblr! I'm using it to track my own resolution but also as a place to put stuff about productivity/life improvement/becoming an Adult/etc. I'm excited about it.

3) Can we talk about NEW BEYONCE AND DESTINY'S CHILD ALBUMS IN 2013?

4) 2013>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>2012 amiright?

OhMarie

@Diana Oh, I like your resolution tumblr idea!

planforamiracle

@Diana Wow I LOVE your new year's resolution tumblr! Great idea and I love how you've made it look & function.
Also, holy eff new Destiny's Child?!

FlufferNutter

@Diana 2013>>>>>>>>>>>2012 FOR REAL. It better be. I can't handle that shit again.

zamboni

@Diana chiming in to say your tumblr looks great/seems like an excellent idea! I'm never all that satisfied by text files (my usual tracking method).

meetapossum

I'm going on a coffee date/non-date(?) on Sunday! This is sort of a big deal because I haven't been on a date in over a year and I haven't been on an OKCupid date in many years.

SarahP

@meetapossum Aw, yay! Have fun! Try not to be too nervous, because you're super cool and don't have any reason to be nervous.

meetapossum

@SarahP Aw, thanks! I'm actually pretty excited about it because we have very similar taste in music and books, so even if it doesn't become a romantic thing, it'll still be fun. Plus he asked to meet for coffee, so A+ already for him since it's Drynuary for me.

thelittledeath

Just started Lexapro on Wed, after 10+ years off meds, and already the nausea and dizziness are kicking my ass. Or it could be the flu. Either way, it's another step forward on my plan to dominate life.

OhMarie

@minijen You show that life who's boss!

terrific

@minijen I just did the exact same thing, except with Zoloft! No nausea and dizziness here, but definitely some other symptoms. But hoorah to dominating life!

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@minijen Holla, Cymbalta here! I switched over from Paxil recently as a way to take control and found out how much the Paxil was killing my libido. So that's been fun. Good for you for dominating!

thelittledeath

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose - OMG Paxil is the worst! My new doc won't even prescribe it! He's the best Rx doc I've ever met, which is helping me deal with going back to meds. Even better than some Tx docs I've seen.

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@minijen Dude, it's horrible. It made me pack on weight like a bear in hyperphagia and made me feel "meh" about sex. It also fucked with my head if I missed a day, like I'd have trouble tracking my vision. No thanks.

Cawendaw

@minijen Drug dizziness buddies! When I was on some antidepressant (I forget what the name was, it was almost a year ago) I had weird flashes of dizziness that didn't last quite long enough for me to completely register I was dizzy, and then a night of really scary constant vertigo that was bad enough that I went to the emergency room because I could barely walk. The good news is that if a drug really isn't working you can get switched off pretty easily because there's so many alternatives these days.

fondue with cheddar

My boyfriend is DIVOOOOORCED! FINALLY. It's pretty disheartening to see just how unjust the justice system is, and it's going to be pretty hard for us to get by given the debt he's taken on and the ludicrous support payments he has to make, but at least the battle is over. (That is, unless the only reason she stopped harassing him was because there was a possible trial in her future. Time will tell.) But now he can move on with his life, and we can move on with our life. Even though the result was almost entirely not in his favor, it's still such a fucking relief, you have no idea.

katiemcgillicuddy

@fondue with cheddar Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo fonduuuuuuuuuue! That's great man, congrats, I hope you guys can finally get the fuck away from that mess.

LordHennyson

I need advice on how to deal with online dating. I've had an OKCupid profile for a few months but can't get up the guts to actually meet anyone from it; I always search guys' profiles for a shitty band or a hint that they might be a secret misogynist as an excuse to make myself feel better about dismissing them, but then I remember that I love a lot of people whose musical taste I hate or who haven't read the same books as me, and I know they're all thin excuses for not putting myself out there and finding out if I actually click with any of these people. There was no dating scene at my college so I didn't get much practice there, and now that I'm fresh out I realize that I've never been on an actual date with someone I was not already romantically involved with.
Now I'm torn between the advice-giver in my head that says "When you're actually ready to date the excuses will fall away" and the one that says "You have to stretch your comfort zone or you'll stay anxious and introverted forever"
I guess what I'm trying to say is: give me your OKC stories, both good, bad, and hilarious!

SarahP

@LordHennyson I met my husband on OKC! I actually found him by accident because he was a year older than the age search I usually did. And he also had one of my pet peeves on his profile (he wrote "anyways" instead of "anyway," ugh), but I found the rest of it to be so great I messaged him anyway.

Of course I also went on a lot of OKC dates with other people before meeting him, most of which were first-and-only dates.

It sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself about this. Don't think about it so much. Go online, look at profiles, and if you like someone's profile enough that you want to message them, message them. If you don't find any you like that much, just keep checking back sometimes. That's it.

Homestar Runner

@SarahP yup, totally agree with all this. I had initially dismissed this guy's profile because he was a smoker, then decided he seemed kind of funny and I had nothing better to do that evening. He's now my husband, and he quit smoking about six months into our relationship.

Ridiculous optimism aside, it would really help if you put less pressure on the messages and dates. Yes, tons of them are duds. With the mediocre ones, you get to say "well, at least I can say I've been to this bar now, so there's that." With the really terrible ones, they'll just be hilarious stories in a few years.

Jinxie

@LordHennyson There's a happy medium between your two schools of thought: You take the plunge and go on a few first dates, scary though they may seem, while a) trusting your gut (Say, if someone's profile/messages really aren't doing it for you, you don't meet them or if you do meet them and they make your Spidey Sense tingle, you leave. That kind of thing.)and b) being mindful of the fact that it's just a date. Two people meeting for a coffee or a beer, nothing more (unless you want that). Agreeing to meet someone in person doesn't obligate you to spend the rest of your life with them.
As for my own OKC history: 1) Met Ex, we dated more or less happily for 3 years, relationship ended (not a mutual decision, as such, but it turned out for the best for us both even though it hurt at the time) and I've got no regrets about meeting/dating him; 2) 6 months or so after the split I'd recovered enough from the heartbreak to start feeling horny again, so I got back on OKC; 3) Sent some messages, got some messages, blocked a few creeps, had a few first/only dates with otherwise ok dudes I just didn't click with, had a few dates with a much older and stunningly handsome dude with whom I had a great rapport but no physical chemistry (though I slept w/him anyway) and was actually relieved when he emailed to say he was getting back together with an ex and couldn't see me anymore; then 4) I decided to drop my minimum height requirement by an inch to see if there was anyone new/interesting I was missing and the first person on the list was this guy who seemed pretty rad even if he didn't tick all the boxes on my Mr. Right checklist. I sent him a message, he replied with wit and intelligence, we agreed to meet for a drink, both of us drink way too much because we were (for some reason) HELLA nervous, and I decide he's cute enough that I can overlook the fleece jacket and I go home with him. The next day I call in sick to work due to an embarrassing hickey situation, but decide it was totally worth it and a year and a half later we're still dating. (And he still loves fleece more than almost anything else in the world.)

like a rabid squirrel

@LordHennyson I agree with everyone above w/r/t going somewhat outside of your "requirements" - I was a few years younger than my boyfriend's age range but he messaged me anyway and we've been quite happy. Just try to see the whole online dating thing as a social experiment - the more dates you go on, the more different types of people you'll meet, the more places in your town you'll explore, and the more relaxed you'll be on dates in general.

weebleswobble

@LordHennyson

I did OKC for a short while and something that helped me in the beginning was that I would say, "sure let's meet but only as friends for now." It had been a couple of years since I had dated and I wasn't sure if I was ready, so meeting "as friends" took a ton of pressure off. Then, someone contacted me who was really straightforward about his intentions to actually date/didn't want to meet as friends and I kind of freaked out/still wasn't sure if I was ready so we messaged here and there for about six weeks before I agreed to meet him. And he was very respectful of my boundaries. And so he became my partner. Which seems like a run-of-the-mill online dating story, but if you knew how terrified I was/awkward I am, you'd see that if I can do it, anyone can. So I guess my advice would be to not take it too seriously but also to be aware of and clearly state your boundaries and what you are expecting of the other person. Lots of luck. Go get some!

Danzig!

@LordHennyson I know that feel, bro! I would say that if you're really concerned that you're sabotaging yrself, just do it. Message people.

@Jinxie haha the height minimum! That is such a thing with every OKC-perusing woman I know.

A. Nonny Mouse

Okay, I have been waiting for FOT 'cause I need some advice - diet/size/ED/whatever trigger warning

A couple of months ago, I decided to revamp my eating habits & activity. I've gained a middling-to-significant amount of weight over the past 5ish years but it was mostly "this body is hurtling towards 30 and even though it's put up with a lot of crap so far, this is not tenable and I want to keep being able to live well" kind of thing. I had actually been making pretty good strides with body acceptance.

Anyway, I did lose some weight immediately just because, you know, kale instead of Snickers bars, and my fiancé was like OH MY GOD THANK GOD YOU ARE LOOKING GREAT I DIDN'T WANT TO SAY ANYTHING BEFORE BUT ... which kind of startled me! I was like, we're in it for the long haul, WE WILL SLOWLY DROOP AND SHRIVEL AWAY AND YOU'LL HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT. But I understand where he was coming from, because I was thinner when we met and so I thought, well since I am doing these good things for my body anyway, I might as well try to lose some weight while I'm at it! But I'm worried that it's edging towards disordered.

1) I bought a scale, which I had really never wanted to do again? but I felt like "I need quantitative data to see what works" or something, and now I feel it in the corner of my bathroom looming at me like the Space Odyssey obelisk. I'm trying really hard to be like "it's numerical data, not a moral value" but ugh.

2) What started as just trying to keep track of what I was eating (again, to establish correlations, "oh when I eat Swiss cheese I feel icky") is kind moving towards "oh I am going to have pickles for dinner because calories"

3) One night recently I made myself a sandwich at like midnight and then felt so terrible about it I purged, was like "gross, unacceptable, don't be an idiot" and then did it again a week later. Which, why is my brain being such a self-contradictory jerk?

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME GUYS.

&TLDR SO basically any advice on how to lead a more healthful life without going self-harming and neurotic about it, and also how to deal with a significant other who is being kind of clueless about weight issues.

terrific

@A. Nonny Mouse All the hugs. I'm not a therapist or an expert on ED stuff, so I don't want to give any tenuous advice about that... but regarding your fiancé, have you talked to him about this? I think "clueless" is the right description, at least for now, but just sit him down and have a talk, and tell him that this is an issue for you, and there is a different between supporting you in health and happiness and triggering deeper issues.

Judith Slutler

EDIT: this comment got eaten somehow.

KatieBarTheDoor

@A. Nonny Mouse Oh, girl. I went through some very similar things ~10 years ago, so I feel you. I'm glad you at least recognize the danger of some of these behaviors, and I WISH I had something to say that would help, but I know that all the "help" thrown at me back then didn't accomplish a single thing. Please be careful, and consider talking to someone before this gets too bad. And maybe get rid of your scale.

Roxanne Rholes

@A. Nonny Mouse I used to have super serious issues with this stuff and I think it's been at least a year and a half since the last time I lapsed. One thing that is really helpful for me: I allow myself to step on a scale only once a month, and always at the very beginning of the month, so it's at the same time in my cycle. Numbers are the ENEMY. If you want to chat more, I am happy to help! DM me on twitter and I'll give you my email address.

Judith Slutler

@A. Nonny Mouse OK, trying again because my comment disappeared!

Some of what you're saying here is concerning. First off, I don't think this is an issue where your fiance should get to maintain his cluelessness. Tell him what's up, because I think his comments may be part of the reason why this is A Thing.

Also, are you exercising, or relying on diet? How are you tracking calories, are you also tracking macronutrients to make sure you stay nourished? Do you have a diet plan and target amount of calories per day, or is your plan basically "less food" at this point? If you have a plan, does it allow for any cheat meals every once in a while?

I think you are super smart to realize that once you've purged twice, something has gone kind of wrong. Hugs to you - I know this stuff is super hard.

P.S. don't feel like you have to do this via weighing yourself and counting calories. I can't do that anymore because of my issues, but I still do ok in the fitness department.

adorable-eggplant

@A. Nonny Mouse Go to a therapist who speciallizes in ED now. Really, just make a call and tell a professional what's happening. This is a really serious thing and calorie restriction and purging can both escalate and become entrenched behaviors, which makes them harder and harder to address later.

It's a lot like addiction: take it seriously (and be as honest with yourself as possible), talk to a professional, and be gentle with yourself.

Good luck! You are not alone.

A. Nonny Mouse

@Emmanuelle Cunt Thanks for the internet hugs, guys.

I'm walking (even more than my usual, I live in NYC and getting to and from work involves about a mile each way) and going to yoga twice a week so far, which has been the great part about all of this!

It's definitely "replace processed flour with whole grains, no more Sour Brite Worms after lunch, eat more crucifers/vegetables in general, cook at home so you know what's going into your food" kind of a diet so far, but I have just been noticing my brain start to go "UH QUINOA KIND OF HAS A LOT OF CALORIES", which, fuck you, brain.

It's just like my normal sense of logic is sitting like a little homunculus, going "gurl, you're being dumb" but not doing anything about it yet? I really hate talk therapy but maybe I should try it again.

Thanks for the reassurance that, yes this is problematic and I'm not overreacting to sporadic behaviors, and that there's a way through!

FlufferNutter

@A. Nonny Mouse Holy crap! I don't have any answers as I am going through basically the same thing right now, but in response to what your fiance said: I would take great issue with that if I were in your shoes. I think partners should ideally be supportive and gently encouraging of better health, but to say something like "Oh man, you were getting fat, thank god you are on a diet!" would cause any person to experience My Rage. I'd be having a big ol' sit down talk with him about that. Especially since it seems to have triggered you into some potentially unhealthy behaviors. Ugh. I wish food was not a thing. Way too complicated.

Roxanne Rholes

@FlufferNutter If you want to chat more about this stuff, please also feel free to DM me on twitter, also! I'm not a therapist or anything, but I can definitely share some things that helped for me. I just don't necessarily want to post everything all here. Happy to help!

adorable-eggplant

@A. Nonny Mouse Calories = warmth = being alive.

And there are lots of types of therapy besides talk therapy to explore. In fact, many people suggest not doing talk therapy (or saving it for after a quick burst of behavioral therapy) because eating disorders tend to have a strong component of fixation, which isn't really helped at first by talking/thinking more about something. Your normal sense of logic might not be able to help really. It's like what David Foster Wallace calls the spider mind in Infinite Jest (dude was spot on about the problem of being a smart person trying to fight problems of the mind with sheer force of logic: it just doesn't work).

You aren't being dumb, btw. Not even close. You're responding to a lot of extraordinary pressures (societal, personal, universal) in a way that, while natural and even logical on one level, can be dangerous in the long run. That's what I meant about not being alone. Lots of really smart, really driven people approach the problem of a changing body as something to be fixed (because really smart, capable, driven people are used to being able to fix things).

Marquise de Morville

@A. Nonny Mouse Maybe you could add: do not read calorie labels of foods that are food since you are already junk food? It's similar to getting rid of your scale. Also, maybe make home-made desserts as well, they are part of a healthy diet (and it seems you veered off into ED territory by paying too much attention). Hope all works out for you.

TheBelleWitch

@A. Nonny Mouse Oh god, I have to respond because it sounds like your brain works just like mine. I've been through this and learned the hard way - no scale. No tracking food/counting calories. The numbers set up little goals in your brain and your brain starts acting like life is a video game and there's some sort of low score you can get. Fuck you, brain, indeed!

You are doing healthy things and you are going to get healthier by doing them. There is no need to fixate on or even know the numbers. Also, definitely talk to your fiance, not in an accusatory way, but in a "Look, I am having this problem and I need to hear this/not hear this to keep me from going down a bad road."

Everyone's different, but my experience with disordered eating was that admitting out loud what I was doing and how I was thinking was the crucial step. The secrecy/shame is such a driver. Tell your fiance, tell your mom, tell a therapist - those people are your reality check. (Caveat, of course, that those people are relatively well-balanced and supportive.)

I'm wishing you the best, please take care of yourself!

packedsuitcase

@adorable-eggplant Yes. This. I have permanently banned scales from my house. They do horrible things for me and I start off saying, "Only once a week," and then before I know it I'm weighing myself twice a day and freaking out. See somebody, it will help!

par_parenthese

@A. Nonny Mouse Just really quickly: The Fat Nutritionist. STAT. Reading her blog has been a beautiful healing process for me.

tea sonata

@A. Nonny Mouse Hoo boy. To me, it sounded like it was intended to be a compliment, but it comes across as clumsy on his part and ultimately, counter productive. Have you talked about this to him? If not, I think it's time to use your words here and have it out.

Maybe visiting a nutritionist might set you on a healthier path - and take your boyfriend with you! It's great that your beginnings were from a healthy perspective but it's a sad that, as FlufferNutter said above, "it seems to have triggered you into some potentially unhealthy behaviors". So perhaps going it together means he will get the picture from your point of view, so you can get the support it sounds like he's trying to give you (albeit in the wrong way).

Judith Slutler

@A. Nonny Mouse You can stop this, I believe in you. But stop with the numbers. When you are looking at a protein rich whole grain and seeing only, "That's a lot of calories" you are no longer accurately perceiving food in general.

Sooooo many of us have been there, don't feel stupid about it. Call a hotline or make an appointment with a professional. You can do this!

A. Nonny Mouse

@Roxanne Rholes I am the last person in the modern universe without a Twitter but thanks!

@adorable-eggplant Aah spider mind! You are very right; I've been mad at myself for not being able to combat problems with Stainless Steel Logic-Driven Solutions, but I guess it's kind of a "how do you fix a screwdriver that's come unscrewed" problem.

I'm in science so quantitation is how I am used to dealing with information but I think you guys are right that numbers are really not helping right now.

adorable-eggplant

@tea sonata Also, fat can be healthy, in many cases, healthier: http://thehairpin.com/2013/01/fat-chicks-need-eternal-life-too/

We have a really rotten to the core culture when it comes to attitudes about food and weight and health. Food is good. Calories are good. Being healthy at any size is good. Being underweight is more unhealthy than being overweight. Fat is NOT a sign of laziness or lack of control or anything bad.

Besides getting rid of the scale (doooo it), also ditch the fashion magazines that have 14 year old models and people photoshopped to a size impossible. Those are not attainable sizes.

@packedsuitcase is right about the number game: it's impossible to win. 'Wining' doesn't get you anything but organ failure when it comes to calorie restriction. Oh god this stuff makes me so sad, because I get how powerful it looks/seems/how much pressure there is. But really, for the love of everything you want to achieve besides being smaller, don't diet.

Diana

@A. Nonny Mouse

I have been down this road. It was very hard and for years I was just straight up unable to diet AND deal with my past disordered thinking. The thoughts would just appear again and luckily I was able to shut down everything by stopping the diet, but unluckily that meant, you know, I was never able to diet.

1) There are going to be some comments in here about fat acceptance and stuff like that. And I fully endorse those comments and you should consider them carefully. However, I don't want you to feel like that is the only road you can go down and stay healthy. It IS possible to have a history of disordered eating and yet be able to lose weight healthily. It just takes time and help and a tremendous amount of compassion for yourself. Get a therapist and a sympathetic doctor on your side.

2) I think the most important thing (at least for me) is to make as much of your diet/weight loss/exercise regimen passive/routinized as soon as possible. Structure your life so that decisions about food and exercise are automated, because the real problem is that overthinking about this kind of thing is what makes you obsess. Plan your meals out ahead of time, and don't allow yourself to switch out lunch for pickles. Stop thinking about it. Devote less brain time to this and spend that freed-up time on other, more productive kinds of thinking. Obviously this can be difficult - see my earlier suggestion of a therapist.

Since you've started purging already you should call a therapist NOW and not later.

packedsuitcase

@Diana I totally agree with both points.

As far as #1 goes - I really had success with Weight Watchers becasue it harnessed my obsessiveness. Note, I don't think this is actually a healthy way to do it, but, you know, it worked. Instead of limiting calories I had to convert things to their points system and I had to eat all of my points every day to see results. I also changed my mind about what mattered, scale-wise. I threw mine out and only used theirs, and I decided anything that wasn't two gains in a row was a win. It didn't work for me as a forever solution (I could never figure out the whole activity points thing), and the system then didn't promote healthy eating as much as it does now, but it took my obsession with counting and made me count towards something and not down from something.

Also, I changed what was a "win" for my body. Getting down to x size wasn't a win. Being able to do something I enjoyed comfortably and for as long as I wanted to was a win. I'm outdoorsy, so being able to hike for a few hours without having to stop for long periods of time was a win. Being able to have the kind of sex I like was a win. It doesn't matter what actually constitutes a win, but it was a mental reward for getting myself in a position to be able to do what I like doing. And it shifted the focus from looking a certain way to being able to live the life I want.

TL;DR - redefining a "win" helped me.

adorable-eggplant

@Diana I mostly agree, but I wanted to add that fat acceptance (in general, not perhaps the politically radical movement)isn't incompatible with losing weight, if that's what you want to do. It is incompatible with the idea that losing weight = being healthy. That's a false equivalency, unless you have a very specific, narrow range of health issues (like diabetes) that can be coincident with weight. But for most people being healthy =/= losing weight.

Which doesn't mean that wanting to loose weight for reasons of personal aesthetic is bad-- but feeling a compulsion to do so, even at the cost of your health (which are jeopardized by both purging and restricting)clearly is unhealthy.

For me, fat acceptance was realizing that I had internalized a lot of messages about what 'attractive' was and had accepted a lot of stereotypes at face value because that's how our culture is set up. Those ideas about what size someone has to be to be beautiful or desirable have to go, because they are poisonous.

Whatever you decide to do later about exercise or eating healthily, it's still important to check on some of the weird judgements that can be bouncing around in your subconscious.

PistolPackinMama

@A. Nonny Mouse NOTE: Rant first, actual suggestion after.

RANT:

I think your SO needs a short sharp lesson in what those kinds of comments mean. I would show him your first comment, actually. I FUCKING PURGED AFTER EATING A SANDWICH YOUR COMMENTS ARE NOT FUCKING HELPING FROM NOW ON WEIGHT LOSS AND HOW GOOD IT MAKES ME LOOK OR DOESN'T ARE OFF LIMITS UNTIL YOU LEARN HOW TO DO IT WITHOUT SOUNDING LIKE AN ENTITLED BRAT.

You're so right. I would be so tempted to look him in the face and say "you will not want to remember you said those words in x-years after I have had kids*, get sick, am injured, or are otherwise unable to maintain my lithe features. So please don't do that- thinness is not a guarantee for ever. (if you want kids*) Also, it's not actually about you."

OKAY ACTUAL SUGGESTION:

I think you could stand to maybe think about intuitive eating? Rather than numbers and scales and things eating? If you think your habit changes came from just not thinking about it, the most important thing you can do for your health (and I don't mean health as a euphemism for thinness) is to really pay attention to what you want to eat, when, and why.

You've had a month of emotionally freighted feelings ritual food eating time. Let your body's other food eating communication have the louder voice for a while.

Are you hungry? Why? Is it time to eat, were you exercising, are you upset, did you forget a meal, were you in a hurry, are you upset?

Do you eat on a schedule that makes sure you have enough of a variety of things at sensible times?

When you eat, do you eat enough? Enough to feel like you can work through the afternoon from snack to dinner without melting down? Do you need a snack later in the day to make it? Do you eat enough kinds of things so you your body has lots of nutrients to choose from? Would it help to not eat out for a couple of weeks so you can keep your eyes on what is in your food, and how much of what is in it?

Are you sleeping and drinking enough water- things that I think we try and compensate for with food when we don't get enough of either?

Are you trying to detach moral value from food? If you ate an extra sandwich because you were hungry at midnight, that is not genocide. It is a sandwich. It's good information for tomorrow. Why were you hungry? It's okay to be hungry. Maybe you just needed to eat. Maybe you need more fiber with dinner, or more protein. Maybe you were upset and reading dumb webcomics will do what the sandwich did if you swap.

The point of all that is, being mindful of what I eat is the best way of regulating. I notice positive health related changes when I hit my reset button and do these things. My energy levels and mood stabilize, my cholesterol is better. All those things.

Finally, remember that any uptick in exercise is good for you no matter what it does to your weight. It's good for your heart and mood, so it's worth doing, even in small doses.

And really, tell your boyfriend that those comments don't help, as well meaning as he is trying to be. Thinness isn't standard with the package, and it's not part of the warranty, so please just don't, even if you like the outcomes. How would he feel if you turned the table on him in the same way about something about which he is sensitive that isn't actually really your business?

mooseketeer

@A. Nonny Mouse I am just jumping in to say that I also find it very impossible to moderate dietary restrictions without going overboard. I was vegetarian for a decade, and when I gave it up everyone was shocked and it is still impossible for me to talk about, but having rules for what I can/can't eat is too much for my brain. I had constant guilt about trying to keep myself on the perfect line of eating all the right things without restricting too much. It wasn't until I gave up on all my food rules that I was finally able to give my stupid brain a rest about food.

The one trick that I do to keep eating healthy is to focus only on adding good foods to my diet. I should eat fruit and veggies and whole grains every day, and on top of that I eat whatever I want. This is not about cutting things out of your life, but adding healthy things into it.

Good luck! Talk to everyone you trust about this, get lots of love and support.

adorable-eggplant

@mooseketeer I love the adding method!! I WILL NOT EVER give up my mac & cheese, but I will occasionally add broccoli. Ditto, ramen and sweet corn/radish bits. Find a way to keep the things you love and then add a few more things for nutrients. :)

mooseketeer

@adorable-eggplant !!!! Mac&Cheese + broccoli (and/or kale) 4EVA

Hot Doom

@A. Nonny Mouse I'm late to this, but I just wanted to say that I think I've been in a very, very similar situation where I began to obsess about every little calorie that came in and would purge if I felt too guilty about the oatmeal I had eaten. And yes, my ex also gave the same sort of reinforcement with 'wow you look really good *now*' types of comments. Clearly not healthy! At least you realise that and can facilitate change in your patterns of eating and thinking about it.

Just echoing what a lot of people have said about getting rid of your scale and try stopping with the calorie counting, first if you use an app or website, and secondly, mentally. Also, like @PPM said, intuitive eating can really help. I felt like I got more balance nutritionally and emotionally when I lost track of calories, and paid attention to when I was hungry (or thirsty) and when I was sated. I started walking a lot to clear my head and doing little jogs to kick up my metabolism, and so that necessitated me eating more, but really thinking about why I was eating, and when, helped me become less obsessive about what I consumed. This is something that you can do immediately, starting tonight with dinner. In my experience, it was kind of scary, but it's so possible.

As far as the man goes, just sit him down and say what PistolPackinMama wrote.

Best wishes for you right now, and keep us updated!

rimy

Any good/cheap dinner places in the DC area? I will be there for a little bit in the near future.

Emby

@rimy Hrrmmm.. Do you want good, or cheap? Unfortunately those are almost never found together in the same place in this cheap food wasteland :(

OK. OK ok ok. I can help. First: Where are you staying, and around whereabouts will you be traveling?

rimy

@Emby I'm just passing through and wanted to quickly explore DC a little for a day or so, so really anywhere in the city is fine. Something casual, even just some kind of secretly amazingly delicious pizza joint or taco place or something is the type of thing I was imagining.

katiemcgillicuddy

@rimy Emby is right about it being hard to find good restaurants on the cheap here BUT GUESS WHAT, RESTAURANT WEEKS ARE COMING RESTAURANT WEEKS ARE COMING!!

http://blog.zagat.com/2013/01/3-restaurants-weeks-coming-up-dc.html

stonefruit

@rimy I think you want Ben's Chili Bowl? But that could be because I personally want Ben's Chili Bowl, every day, at all times.

Emby

@rimy OK, off the top of my head:

-Radius Pizzeria in Mt. Pleasant
-Taqueria Distrito Federal in Columbia Heights
-Amsterdam Falafel in Adams Morgan

katiemcgillicuddy

@stonefruit This, a million times this.

AMc
AMc

@rimy You should get Ethiopian food! DC is known for its Ethiopian food and it won't be expensive. I suggest Dukem, and you'll get a chance to check out U Street, which has tons of nice bars and shops. But @emby 's suggestions are good too. Mmm, Amsterdam Falafel.

rimy

@stonefruit @katiemcgillicuddy Duly noted. Chili would be so tasty right now~

@Emby thank you! Maybe I'll hit up DC for lunch and dinner!

OhMarie

@AMc YES I went to an amazing Ethiopian food place that was delicious, cheap, and open late near the Howard theater.

Hot Doom

Dear @Melis,

This week I dreamed that I called an evil, miniature, old lady a 'Pocket Witch', as I tried to kick her away from me. You have officially infiltrated my life, and I appreciate it.

evil melis

@Hot Doom This week I dreamed my face was COVERED in wasps and it felt so so so real and strange and painful; I can still recall how it felt!

evil melis

Also, the Hairpin (and by extension all of you) is the best thing that has happened to me both personally and professionally probably ever; here seemed like an appropriate space to say "thank you."

Hot Doom

@evil melis are pocket witches and wasps on faces really reality and this is all just a strange and wonderful dream?

Danzig!

@evil melis same

well not professionally, but you know

Best pun ever.

Friend break ups are so hard! I want to drop a long-term male friend but I can't quite articulate my reasons apart from generally feeling like crap after spending time with him. After my most recent annual existential crisis, I've come to realize that he's contributing more negativity than support.

This is the third time around where I say "that's it, this time it's really over!" but I'm afraid it won't last again. Mostly this is because I am very non-confrontational and so I ignore his calls until I run out of excuses. But also, I cannot quite put into words what it is that pisses me off so much. On the surface, it seems like a good friendship, so I shove the red flags back down my brain tunnel and go off to meet him at the bar. Maybe I could start by writing down a list of shit he's done that is Not Ok.

iheartoxytocin

@Best pun ever. Maybe if you have a list you'll be less likely to give in the next time?

SarahP

@Best pun ever. I am a big fan or being direct with people, but I understand that that can be hard, so you don't have to tell him outright that you don't want to be friends anymore. But if he's making you feel worse about yourself, stop hanging out with him. The only excuse you need is "Sorry, I can't, I'm super busy this month/these days/lately." Don't set a future time, don't elaborate on how/why you're busy. Just say you're busy, and don't go hang out.

rimy

@Best pun ever. Now I'm curious to know what kinds of stuff he has done that is Not Ok? This sounds like an intriguing situation.

RubeksCube

@Best pun ever. Whatever you do, don't ghost him. I was ghosted by a friend once, and it was The Worst. I am still haunted by that, because I have no closure, and thought we were close. How am I supposed to know if I also did awful shit and contributed only negativity to our relationship??? All this to say - make the list, and then talk. Like, REALLY talk.

Best pun ever.

@rimy I'm working on it! It's lots of small, scattered acts of shittiness rather than one main event. Some examples off the top of my head: 1. he regularly lies to his girlfriend about being with me (I found this out one time she came to pick him up and he asked me if I can give him a 5 minute head start); 2. I introduced him to a girlfriend who later that night told me that when I was away, he invited her to a party but without me because I'm "too antisocial"; 3. He wouldn't stop talking about guy who he knows sexually harassed me even after I explicitly said that I do not want to hear his name. He even said "Poor MolestersName" when I completely stopped responding to him.

I could go on but I already feel gross.

Best pun ever.

@RubeksCube You are right and I hate it because I'd rather walk away. How long were you friends with that person?

RubeksCube

@Best pun ever. A couple of years. She was actually the maid of honor at my wedding, which really just put salt in the wound. What was worse, if I saw her in person (we lived in the same city at the time), she acted like everything was fine, and we'd chit chat. But she never responded to any messages or calls or even Facebook things. After a while (about a year or so) I just gave up. It was just...ugh. I'm also non-confrontational, so I can understand the ease of just backing out of the door slowly, but it just sucks too much for the person on the other end.

queenofbithynia

@Best pun ever.
!!!1!!!!!!
none of these are small. each one of them is HUGE. You don't want to be friends with someone who lies to his girlfriend about being with you, ever. Once is huge. Regularly is huge times huge. Huge!

You don't want to be friends with someone who
1. insults you
2. behind your back
3. to a friend of yours, which means both behind your back and passive-agressively to your face because friends share. Each sub-part of the HUGE OFFENSE is itself huge!

You don't want to be friends with someone who SYMPATHIZES WITH SEXUAL HARASSERS. that is so huge I wrote it in huge letters. Huge!

my spleen is exploding with rage for you

RubeksCube

@Best pun ever.
Also, to echo @queenofbithynia - OH DEAR GOD. I am so, SO sorry that is the kind of person you are trying to break of a friendship with!!! I still think a conversation is a must, but my shock at all that (how long have you had the patience to put up with that???) leads me to think it can be a much more curt, to-the-point conversation than I originally thought.

PistolPackinMama

@Best pun ever. I think you don't like this guy because he isn't nice to you. Or, isn't nice enough to make up for the not-nice. I mean, those things are not nice. For different reasons (Oh, great, he's mutli-skilled!), but basically, the same reason. He doesn't treat you with respect for your boundaries, and he doesn't act like you are worth an honest and straightforward attitude towards other people.

Ditch him. And if he asks, explain you've been busy whatever whatever. Or just say, you know, being around you meant I went home feeling bad because you lied about me to your GF and then trash talk me to my friends. It makes me feel bad, and I don't need that. If you feel like getting it together and acting like a real friend who doesn't do that, let me know. In the meantime, I'll be over here, doing my thing."

No discussion, no arguments. If he wants to be your friend, he needs to be nicer. If he's a grown ass man, he can figure out how to make that happen if he wants.

Best pun ever.

@queenofbithynia I'm gonna come back and read your reply any time I doubt my decision.

katiemcgillicuddy

Hey ya'll, do you hate your sports teams? Tell me about it! (Or brag about them, I guess, whatever)

I am a diehard Redskins fan. I'll just leave that there.

@area, wherever you are, why do we keep doing this to ourselves every year, it's like the Skins are fuckin' Lucy and we are goddamn Charlie Brown and they are just gonna keep taking that fucking ball from us at the last second, oh godd whyyyyyy

Emby

@katiemcgillicuddy I'm a diehard Suns fan and this season is taking years off my life :(

meetapossum

@katiemcgillicuddy The Redskins are the only team in the NFC East I will actively root for when the Giants are out, so I was sad last weekend.

My friend and I were having a discussion, and she was asking if there were ANY hypothetical Super Bowls in which I would root for the Patriots (she's a fan). I told her only if they play the Eagles, and even then, it would hurt my heart.

katiemcgillicuddy

@meetapossum Oh god, its so true, I'd have to root for the Patriots if they ever played the Iggles in a SB. Or! I could just root for a giant sinkhole to swallow the game whole. Either way.

redheaded&crazy

@katiemcgillicuddy well I live in toronto, so I'm just going to end this comment right here.

katiemcgillicuddy

@Emby My friend, I am a Wizards fan. Let's just go weep over here in the corner, shall we?

katiemcgillicuddy

@redheaded&crazie Are you trying to tell me you don't love the Raptors with all your hear- haha, nevermind, I can't even get through this comment.

OhMarie

@katiemcgillicuddy Redskinsssssss :( I grew up a Skins fan but I always say I am too embarrassed to really go all out because of both how terrible they are and how racist the name is.

meetapossum

@katiemcgillicuddy Goooooo SINKHOLE!

karenb

@redheaded&crazie AMEN

redheaded&crazy

@katiemcgillicuddy hey they won a game this week SO THAT'S PRETTY EXCITING!

Emby

@katiemcgillicuddy At least you have John Wall coming back..?

I'm actually planning to see Suns/Wizards in April (I think it is?); kind of a yearly tradition for me. That might actually be a good game, considering both teams are so bad!

honey cowl

@katiemcgillicuddy I am Seahawks fan which is to say SUCK IT

:)

RK Fire

@katiemcgillicuddy I am wondering if I am not a fantastic Ravens fan or if I'm just a realistic one. Tomorrow afternoon against the elder Manning and a young-ish Broncos team is going to be really tough. I also don't think we're as hot as any of the other teams currently in playoffs BUT I HAVE HOPE, DAMNIT.

Also, I'm really sorry about RG3. I don't think I want to see that photo of his knee doing that.. thing ever again.

lookuplookup

@katiemcgillicuddy Look, I respect your Charlie Brown simile except I'm from Cleveland and let's be real. The Cleveland Browns are the NFL's real Charlie Brown, except worse. I have been obsessing over our search for a new coach. We hired him last night! He has been fired by our team twice in the past while filling different positions - I am still hopeful, because god, if you are going to be a Browns fan you better be able to be hopeful.

katiemcgillicuddy

@lookuplookup I completely understand. I would only submit we would be Charlie Brown because we've been given hope at times, unlike, well, you guys. Your team barely pretends to give you take a shot at kicking the ball. But you definitely have my sympathies.

lookuplookup

@katiemcgillicuddy I think the Browns had the absolutely teeniest streak of hope this season when they had a three game winning streak (against three righteously awful teams - the Raiders, the Chiefs (one week after the Belcher incident), and the Steelers minus almost their entire starting lineup). I think there was also some degree of hope generated by some of our draft picks (NOT OUR QUARTERBACK, OBVIOUSLY). Anyway, as we like to say in Cleveland (about any one of our really remarkably awful sports teams), "There's always next year!"

katiemcgillicuddy

@lookuplookup Yeah, they did have a little bit of hope this year, they certainly weren't the worst team in the league at least.

Hey, the Indians were good once! I think it was a Wednesday.

zamboni

@katiemcgillicuddy I thought of you when the Wizards beat the Heat this week!!

I forswore the Maple Leafs a few years ago because they are the friggin' worst as an organization/excuse for a competitive hockey team, and I don't feel attached to this era of the team the way I did in the '90s and very early '00s. I still feel weird and kind of guilty (I bandwagoned my way over to the Blackhawks) about this all the time.

On the one hand, there's this (dominant?) understanding of sports fandom as a sort of caste system where you're born into the fandom of the team your family cheers for (or maybe just automatically obligated to the fandom of your city), and if your team is terrible that's too bad, but you are somehow purified or more virtuous by actively suffering through it, especially if your team wins a championship later. And this shared suffering and the performance thereof becomes central to the fan community around the team.

On the other hand, life is difficult enough on its own, and I watch sports for pleasure, and it seems delusional and weird to force oneself into miserable loyalty to organizations that see you as nothing but a source of profit (especially galling if they go on to wildly mismanage said profit). But the other view has this appealing masochistic moral purity about it all the same. Some of it, of course, is just the fact that winning is more satisfying if you've been more invested.

katiemcgillicuddy

@honey cowl Oh come on! Isn't enough that you won?! Ahhhhh goddddddd I hate Pete Carrol with a fire.

katiemcgillicuddy

@redheaded&crazie So did the Wizards!! DON'T CALL IT A COMEBACK, EVERY OTHER NBA TEAM!

katiemcgillicuddy

@zamboni I'll say this. As a kid, I was a Yankee fan (WAIT BEFORE YOU THROW THINGS) because DC didn't have a team and my dad was a (legit) Yankee fan, so I happily adopted them as my own SO SUE ME. When I was a kid, it was super fun watching them win, I was a complete nutcase over them, but I still remember watching them win a World Series as an adult and feeling...nothing. Now I'm a Nationals fan and watching them win is SO MUCH MORE SATISFYING because a.) it's my hometown team b.) we struggled mightily at first (obviously we've found our way, but still) So I think while yes, masochistic at times to live and die by awful teams, the payoff really is great when they win. And the sense of community you feel when having to root for some disaster of a team is also nice! Suffering together as one!

Also, I know it's not good enough, and fuck the owners to hell but...

NHL NHL NHL NHL NHL NHL NHL

katiemcgillicuddy

@RK Fire Yeah, the Broncos kind of look unstoppable, and it's a notoriously difficult place to play as an away team. But have hope, the Ravens are basically the one team I will never, ever count out!

bitchycrosstownexpress

@katiemcgillicuddy I am a Jets fan. I think that speaks for itself.

I try to balance it out with the fact that in baseball I'm a Cardinals fan and they are easy to love most of the time.

katiemcgillicuddy

@bitchycrosstownexpress Oh dear lord, I'm sorry. I will say this, I love Rex Ryan if only because he is so adorable when he talks about his wife.

Being a Cards fan ain't half bad, though.

Jane Err

@katiemcgillicuddy Bears fan here. Cutler gets blamed for everything, just like Obama.

bitchycrosstownexpress

@katiemcgillicuddy I love Rex - although I think it's pretty clear he's still learning about being a head coach. He was actually the defensive coordinator for my alma mater my freshman year (which was another crappy-except-the-defense team). But the whole team is so dysfunctional right now , I can't even.

But 90 days until pitchers and catchers ! So yay!

katiemcgillicuddy

@bitchycrosstownexpress I've said it before, and I will say it again, the four most beautiful words in the English language are "pitchers and catchers report".

katiemcgillicuddy

@OhMarie Well, we actually aren't terrible anymore! We just find incredibly painful ways to lose. Ugh.

You're right about the name. It's terrible, and then I'm terrible when I just think, "oh, yeah, its terrible, but what are ya gonna do". I suppose I wouldn't be huge on them being called "The Washington Feckin' Micks". Although, I don't know, that would be kind of awesome in a twisted way. I don't know that it will ever get changed, but with the right owner? Maybe? Which, well...There's this weird mix of "yes, it's wrong" and "but, eh, we love it anyway somehow because, we're used to it! But it's bad!" in this town, and yeah, we suck.

katiemcgillicuddy

@Emby I feel like they are keeping him out to get a better draft pick because TRICKY and also, we are so terrible, I don't even care at this point.

katiemcgillicuddy

@Jane Err The Bears will have their shot/sorry about the Cubs/hopefully you are a Sox fan.

entangled

@bitchycrosstownexpress I am also a Jets fan. and it's even worse because my husband - who is FROM NEW YORK - is a Patriots fan. He has been one since 2005. So, yeah, it feels like the "choose the convenient winner so you can feel an emptier gloat" sort of fandom and it drives me up a wall because I have been a Jets fan since I was a kid.

I do love Rex, though I am really hoping that he is able to instill a little more discipline. and that they a hire a good offensive coordinator.

camanda

@katiemcgillicuddy I'm a Dodgers fan. Blahblah they were pretty decent last year and dumped McCourt and whatever, it was still disappointing as shit, after we thought (FOOLISHLY) they might make the playoffs for over half the season. But that's kind of their whole M.O., really.

The Celtics are a different form of maddening, but I tend to hate them less for it since they don't do that horrible get-your-hopes-up crash-and-burn shit over the length of a whole season. And I really ought to start watching hockey again; the Internet fan culture roundabout 2009-2010 is a huge reason I've watched like one game in two years (during the Kings' Cup run, of all things; I'm actually a Bruins fan and didn't watch a single second of theirs). Amazing how other people can completely ruin a sport for you. Not that the league itself is doing a great job of un-ruining it but whatever.

katiemcgillicuddy

@RK Fire WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Go Ravens!!!! We are gladly (sadly, but gladly) cawing for you guys down here :)

RK Fire

@katiemcgillicuddy Hahahahahaha I was at City Limits in Locust Point last night and it was CRAZY. Everyone doubted us! Including, quite frankly, ourselves, but it's nice to spite the rest of the country!

katiemcgillicuddy

@RK Fire Nice! All I could picture was "Mother's" literally exploding. The text messages I got from my buddies up there were hilarious, giddy, and drunk. I've never seen Skins fans root for another team like that, we've had a chip on our shoulders for a long time about you guys, but I think we are starting to just throw our hands up and admit the respect we have for the Ravens organization, I know I was super excited when Joe "Fingers Crossed" Flacco hit that pass, we had juuuust been saying, "well, at least if they need a quick heave downfield, you know Joe can chuck the hell out of the ball" and then BAM. Good chance I'll head up there for the game next week, I'll let you know where I'll be stumbling around if I do!

Alexmen

he text messages I got from my buddies up there were hilarious, giddy, and drunk. I've never seen Skins fans root for another team like that, we've had a chip on our shoulders for a long time about you...bankruptcylawyerma.net

chrysopoeia

I don't know about you guys, but I had an amazeballs time at the massive NYC Hairpin Book Club this week.

One more time, for good measure, THE FACEBOOK GROUP!!!

BornSecular

Advice please?
I have a coworker who has been sexually harassed by an owner of our (small, family-owned) company. She doesn't want to rock the boat by saying anything, but it makes her uncomfortable and she complains to me. I am not in HR or anything, but I handle benefits. I offered to bring it up to HR or our office manager, in a roundabout way, no names, etc, just to give an awareness that this is happening, could be a problem, etc, but she doesn't want me to. In all fairness, it's a small office, and she is the most conventionally pretty of all the ladies, so I'm sure they would know who it was immediately. So! The actual question: Do I say something even though it is expressly against her wishes? I don't particularly like my employer, so I don't have a vested interest in protecting them from a potential law suit or anything, I just wondered if it's the right thing to do.

Quinn A@twitter

@BornSecular If I expressly told someone that I didn't want HR to know, I would be upset if that person turned around and told HR. Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure that by telling you, she actually gave you a legal obligation to report it. :/ Maybe it's different in your workplace, but that's how it is in mine.

If you're not obligated to report it, then I would say don't do it. Ask if she'd be okay with your backing her up if you see something. Like if you hear your employer making an inappropriate comment, call him (her?) out on it kind of backup.

Lily Rowan

@BornSecular Holy shit, that is ridiculous and yet I have no idea what to do. I think you should bring it up to someone, because seriously.

iheartoxytocin

My anxiety is secretly kicking my ass right now. I just got back to school and am contemplating doing various musical things I love (which necessarily involves auditions - a serious anxiety trigger for me). It's like, I know I could do well if I don't freak out, and then I freak out because I'm nervous I'll freak out. Anxiety cycles are THE WORST.
Whatev, tonight I'll talk to my mom (who is awesome and also anxious so she understands), and I will subsequently feel better about life.

LacunaKale

@iheartoxytocin Hugs of anxiety cycle commiseration

Quinn A@twitter

Can I just take a minute to gush about how wonderful my partner is? I had to have a colposcopy the other day, and she came with me and let me squish her fingers and made me laugh. She cleaned the house while I was lying around bleeding and crampy and sad. She brought me iron-rich foods, including a giant expensive chocolate bar, because I was anemic even before I lost a lot of blood. We just had sex that managed to be really fun even though my unhealed uterus did not allow me to be a full participant (ahem). And now she's cooking dinner in lingerie.

Basically, I am the luckiest person ever.

SarahP

@Quinn A@twitter Wow, yes you are. She sounds great!

Um, also, why are you here typing when you could be watching an amazing lady cook dinner in her underthings?!

Quinn A@twitter

@SarahP I am! I touch type. :D

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@Quinn A@twitter She sounds delightful! And I second SarahP - don't let us distract you from getting an eyeful!

SarahP

@Quinn A@twitter Okay phew.

packedsuitcase

@Quinn A@twitter Your ladyfriend sounds spectacular. Gush away!

iceberg

@packedsuitcase "gush" *snicker*

Miss Maszkerádi

Aargh guys. My second homeland (long story, I Have Lived Internationally, etc) is voting for president today, and I'm more wound up nervous about this election than I was for the American one. The front runner is such a massive, snide, arrogant corrupt douchebag. WHY DO PEOPLE VOTE EN MASSE FOR DOUCHEBAGS?! I'm getting disillusioned with democracy, give us back the damn Habsburgs!!! /end rant

packedsuitcase

@Countess Maritza Ahhhhh, that is the worst! I always feel so anxious for my homes during election seasons.

Btw, TCK or adult global nomad? Always fun to find another one around!

Miss Maszkerádi

@packedsuitcase Nomadic student, US citizen but spiritually at home in the Czech Republic, where I will be a proper expat-student within a year, knock wood. ASSUMING THE HORRIBLE CORRUPT DOUCHEBAG DOESN'T WIN ELECTION AND DESTROY FINANCING OF HIGHER EDUCATION.

packedsuitcase

@Countess Maritza Yikes! I'll keep my fingers crossed for a good result.

muggles

@Countess Maritza eeeeek držet nám palce!!

Miss Maszkerádi

@muggles držím, už pevně držím!! Dokonce se modlím.... :-/

JanieS

I REACTIVATED MY OKCUPID PROFILE. ::hides under a desk::

chrysopoeia

@JanieS Courage!

JanieS

@chrysopoeia BUT IT'S OK 'CAUSE NO ONE WILL MESSAGE ME AND OR ANSWER MY MESSAGES AND I CAN JUST STAY HOME ON FRIDAY NIGHTS WATCHING FAWLTY TOWERS IN BED.

redheaded&crazy

@JanieS I DEACTIVATED MINE! ::also hides under desk:: ::sadly::

chrysopoeia

@JanieS That's the magic of absurdly detailed online dating profiles - you can find someone who will watch Fawlty Towers in bed WITH you.

karenb

@JanieS but maybe MAYBE there is someone on OKC who wants someone to watch Fawlty Towers in bed on friday nights with? So courage, as chrysopoeia says.

Nicole Cliffe

If I were single I would do that with you every Friday night so happily, and I'm sure you will find someone else that wants that. I am convinced that online dating only works if you are very honest and self-aware, and if you can do those things, you will have a better time finding a wonderful partner ANYWHERE.

JanieS

@Nicole Cliffe @karenb You are both very right. And my mantra for the go-round is unvarnished honesty. If someone's gonna like me, they're going to find my deep desire to see the new 'Hansel & Gretel: Black Leather Fetish Gear' movie CHARMING.

smidge

@JanieS I will go see that movie with you because frankly it looks like a blast.

JanieS

@smidge IT REALLY DOES. Also, Jeremy Renner has arms. And they're very nice ones, too.

SarcasticFringehead

@JanieS Can someone please tell me what it is I find so attractive about Jeremy Renner? Because he seems like he should just be another moderately attractive (for movie people) guy, and yet I suddenly have to see everything with him in it, including but not limited to Hansel & Gretel which is obviously going to be terrible.

JanieS

@SarcasticFringehead I don't know. It must just be ineffable charisma. He does things with his face and eye twinkles that make me forget that he has the facial features of an Idaho Russet potato.

ayo nicole

@JanieS I made a new one and it's freaking me out. I hope we get some datez.

JanieS

@ayo nicole BUONA FORTUNA!

PistolPackinMama

@JanieS ONCE MORE INTO THE BREACH.

eleventyone

@karenb PREACH. Homeboy so does not look like the typical dudes I would like to bang, but there it is. There are life sized posters for Hansel & Gretel in a subway station here and they are amazing. So stoked to see it cause a) he's in it, and b) I have terrible taste in movies.

anachronistique

@JanieS I just joined for the first time ever and I am PETRIFIED. WHAT AM I DOING. OH GOD. (I have... never really dated before, ever.)

JanieS

@anachronistique If I can manage it, anyone can! If the dates are bad, at least you'll have funny stories to tell your friends!

breccia

I have always known that I would like Dr. Who. It fits my personality and interests but I was never compelled to watch it. Finally I decided to give it a chance on netflix. Well. Season 1 DID get better toward the end (I don't care if it's tantamount to heresy, the first few episodes were slow and terrible), but season 2 really picked up. Still, I didn't feel as crazy as some. Like, it was good, right? Sure. I enjoyed the episodes. I didn't feel like getting on tumblr and losing my shit like everyone else, though. And I am all about losing my shit on blogging platforms that I am way too old to be on! I felt like I was doing it wrong. What was I missing?

But then. BUT THEN. Then season 2 ended.

You guys. I cried. Like. I haven't cried that much over a tv show maybe ever. I went on the internets, still all bleary-eyed, and started typing "rose and the doctor" as fast as I could into every fandom-related blogging platform I could find. You guys. You guysss. I didn't understand. I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND! I'm so sorry I didn't understand before.

chrysopoeia

@breccia It's ok, we understand. Welcome aboard the Bad Wolf Express.

mackymoo

@breccia Rose/Ten forever.

RubeksCube

@breccia Ditto to what chrysopoeia said.

par_parenthese

@breccia It's ok. I was a slow starter. I actually found Rose ANNOYING (?!?!??!?) at first. And then I got to then end of Season 4 and sobbed like a BABY with my blanket over my face. THAT SHOW. THAT FUCKING SHOW. It is the. BEST.

TEN. ALWAYS.

Bloodrocuted

@breccia By exposure therapy, Doctor Who cured my embarrassment from crying in front of others. Especially Rose.

I'm sorry. Remember the episode "Turn Left", Orion vanishing? In reality, Orion's head is burning out. I texted my neighbor, and wanted to tell people.

StandardTuber

Just wanted to share some old wedding photos from the Library of Congress with y'all!

meetapossum

@Mabissa Ahhh Alice Roosevelt!

StandardTuber

@meetapossum You mean Rebellious Alice!

phipsi

@Mabissa The Byars-Coontz wedding is SO Lady Mary's wedding!! Love it.

Also I SO WANT TO GET MARRIED IN A CAVE?! How are there two cave-weddings?! NYT would totally do a trend piece on that in 1915.

phipsi

@phipsi What's up with me saying SO!!! today. Sorry y'all.

StandardTuber

@phipsi What about the bridesmaid with the fur caplet? Think that was part of the assigned dress?

phipsi

@Mabissa Hopefully it wasn't a July wedding!

StandardTuber

@phipsi It just reminded me of that monster suit they used in The Village (the movie with Adrian Brody and Bryce Howard). See how her shoulders are all huge in it?

wee_ramekin

So, do you all remember the post about People Who Are Chronically Late being Thoughtless? I do! I am a chronically Late Person, and I was blown away by the feelings expressed by a lot of people in that post.

SO! I have been taking some of the advice on how to Be Timely. And it has helped! The most helpful advice was to set a "drop-dead" time for when I leave to do a thing. I have been putting that advice into practice this whole week when I get ready for work, and I've gotten to work a half-an-hour earlier than I normally do...every day!

w0ot.

redheaded&crazy

@wee_ramekin whoa I missed that entire thing! I feel overwhelmed just imagining going into it! Both of my last two serious dating partners were chronically insanely late and it used to make me so anxious! I would be like okay, I'm telling you a time half an hour before the actual time and THEY WOULD STILL BE LATE FOR THE ACTUAL TIME OH MANNNN

um. I guess since I missed out on that I felt like it was okay to put here but, I don't think chronically late people are thoughtless! Just ... late. Disorganized? Okay if somebody says "it is really frustrating to me when you are late all the time dating partner, can you make an effort to be on time?" and they still don't, THEN I guess it's thoughtless...

wee_ramekin

@redheaded&crazie Yeah, I noticed that you weren't really around that week, and it made me :(.

BUT THEN, when you came back, I noticed that you had a new avatar, so I figured that you were just recovering from online plastic surgery! (PS - I missed you.)

meetapossum

@wee_ramekin I am so proud of you!!

redheaded&crazy

@wee_ramekin online plastic surgery! Just what the extremely professional doctor ordered.

(I was actually in BC visiting my sister, which is why half my comments these days are like "I'm going to move to BC!" but ... perhaps I was there recovering from plastic surgery ... *mysterious eyes* *behind sunglasses*)

redheaded&crazy

@wee_ramekin PS I miss you always even when i have just received an email saying you responded to a comment of mine!

highfivesforall

@wee_ramekin I am also one of those people, but would like to change, particularly with getting to work earlier (I am so bad at mornings). Can you explain the drop-dead thing, and how it works for you? I think I missed that suggestion in the original thread.

@RH&C, I forget sometimes that you're not actually Rupert Grint commenting here on the 'pin. (I missed you too!)

redheaded&crazy

@highfivesforall my elaborate cover story lives another day

mwoooahahahahahaaaa

packedsuitcase

@wee_ramekin I so want to be able to do this. I would love to not roll into work 15 minutes late every. single. day. But the reality is I'll probably just end up trying to find a job where people don't care what time I come in (they exist, I had one this summer, I just need to find a permanent one).

wee_ramekin

@highfivesforall Sure! So, one commenter said that a good way to get to a place on time is to set a "drop-dead" time for when you need to leave. Once that time arrives, you have to leave, and nuts for you if your hair is still wet/make-up isn't on/e-mail hasn't been checked.

This has really helped me, because it caused me to cut out a lot of the things in my morning routine that were slowing me down. For example, I stopped snuggling my puggle while I was trying to get dressed (uh, that is not a euphemism. My dog is a puggle (Pug / Beagle X)), which was sad for me, but was also a huge time suck (I like to give him ten "lovies", which are kisses, but then I always think ten is not enough, so I give him more, and then more, and then MOAR!!!!!!!). I also stopped checking my e-mail in the morning.

Speaking of which, a lot of people said to TURN OFF THE COMPUTER when you're trying to get ready to go somewhere, because its digital siren-song lures you into thinking "Oh...I'll just check my e-mail quickly", and then you crash into the reality of "Fuck, I just spent a half-an-hour online and now I'm LATE". This is good advice.

highfivesforall

@wee_ramekin Hmmmm, I am guilty of both the computer thing and the snuggling thing. But how do you stop snuggling the tiny furry loud creatures who you miss in the mornings because they are not allowed in the bedroom at night (too sharp and wiggly to sleep with)? But for real, that is a good thing to be aware of, at least, and the computer one should be easy for me - just shut the laptop! Okay, I will try this next week and report back in the FOT. Thank you!

wee_ramekin

@highfivesforall Well, I get to take The Puggle to work with me, so really I can give him lovies all day if I really want to. So that is how I deal with that horrible choice.

But yeah! Try closing the compy. It really helps!

planforamiracle

@wee_ramekin since you guys are self-identified chronically late folks, do you have any thoughts on how punctual folks should (kindly, gently) approach asking their chronically late friends or partners to please get it together and be on time sometimes?

Jennifer Culp

@wee_ramekin I thought about you this week! I was picking up a friend (exactly on time, which was ten minutes later than I SAID I'd pick her up), and she was running 10 minutes late, and somehow we made it to our destination really fast so we were only 15 minutes late overall. One of our friends had arrived, the other didn't turn up for 20 more minutes. Anyway, I told the first friend about the whole lateness thread and late-hating commenters shebang, and she just started to laugh. "When are ANY of us less than 10 minutes late, ever? Who would ever be mad about that?" So I guess I'm in good shape with a bunch of tardy friends. You are welcome to join us...ANY TIME! Haaaaaha.

Really, I do well about getting to work, important events and whatnot on time. But I'm consistently tardy to friend/family gatherings. I'm trying to do better for the family, because (outside of my immediate family), they're quite punctual, but if I arrive somewhere on time to meet my friends, they'll think something's wrong with me.

Jennifer Culp

@planforamiracle Tell them, kindly, at a time when you're not actually rushed to be somewhere and BEFORE you snap completely over their chronically late ways and let 'em have it, that you know they don't mean any harm by it, but it makes you feel disrespected and hurts your feelings when they're late. That really gets me to pull my shit together. If I'm just castigated about being disorganized, I beat myself up about it and feel terrible and unworthy but...just can't seem to make a difference and get it together, somehow. But if I know my lateness is giving my loved ones big-eyed sadfaces, I stay aware of my time limits and hustle because I never, ever want to hurt their feelings.

Jennifer Culp

@planforamiracle Oh, and you've gotta stay consistent with that tactic, too. If you've given 'em the talk and then they turn up late again, don't brush it off. Tell them that it really makes you feel bad, ESPECIALLY after you've already mentioned it once. Accountability is key.

packedsuitcase

@planforamiracle I think it helps me when my friends give me a set start time. "We're being seated at 7," or "The movie starts at 9, let's get there at 8:30 to get good seats." If I have a defined start time for a concrete event, I will try to be 10 minutes early because I know it's important. But if it feels more casual to me, I will be kind of terrible with arriving on time.

Though I will say, I have a friend who is even later than I am and I hate picking her up because I'm already anxious about being late and then she's half an hour later than I am and I have to crack the whip. Drives me nuts. So now I'm more punctual and feel pretty terrible for my friends that have had to deal with my lateness.

redheaded&crazy

oh this is a really great conversation! I don't have the energy to go back to that old thread which is old and dead anyway so I'm going to mini-vent here

every year, for the past three years, I have hosted a big christmas potluck. Pretty much all my friends come, everybody makes really good food, I buy a shit ton of wine, we do a gift exchange, it's really fun! But every year, people are late for it. And it's never been as noticeable as this past year when everybody except for two of the guests showed up an hour late. I don't know what to do. Not have it again I guess.

zamboni

@wee_ramekin That's amazing! I couldn't even read the comments on that article because I am chronically guilt-ridden as it is.
I've been getting better at being on time over the past couple of months. My start time at work is flexible, so that wasn't a concern, but I wanted to make my friends feel more like I respected their time. My "tricks" are:
1) If I am picking/establishing a time I will be somewhere, taking the time that I'd like to say, adding 15 minutes (e.g. if I think I can get there for 8:30, tell the person 8:45), and preparing as if I am still supposed to get there at the earlier time.
2) If someone else has set a time, pretending that time is 15-20 minutes earlier than it actually is (depending on the reliability of transit involved). This does require some skills of self-deception.
I am now nearly always on time or early. People have been SHOCKED.

Angry Panda

@wee_ramekin Just wanted to say your description of snuggles with your puggle is the most adorable thing I've read in a while, and it makes me miss having a dog to snuggle. :-)

Emma Peel

@Jennifer Culp Aw, I had the same interactions with my friends this week. We are usually a "you get there when you get there" kind of group and by some fluke nearly all of us arrived on time or early, causing the one friend who wasn't to explode with mock rage. I was so grateful that we are all on the same page on this.

<3 for tardy friends of tardy people.

eleventyone

@zamboni I'd like to second the "pretend it's earlier than it is" thing, especially if you take public transit. It works for me, though I usually just end up being on time, but that's cool cause I work at a zero tolerance for lateness kind of place.

baked bean

@redheaded&crazie I think with "parties" people think it's not cool to show up on time.
Perhaps if you say "Party is at 7, we will eat at 7:30," they will realize you mean it and not like, "Party starts at 7 show up whenevs."

Elsajeni

@wee_ramekin "Snuggling my puggle" makes an EXCELLENT euphemism, though.

supernintendochalmers

@wee_ramekin Good for you for working on this. There's nothing more annoying than a chronically late person who whines, "But I'm not *trying* to be rude!" and "I just don't have a good sense of time!" without taking any steps to correct it. The drop-dead time is a good idea.

rimy

Kundalini yoga - has anyone tried it/does it make you feel good/can you do mystical hippie things like opening your third eye and raising your vibrations? I really want to try it...

LeafySeaDragon

@rimy i LOVE my new yoga teacher, so actually will talk about the mystic aspects of yoga to a degree. i'm feeling my personal energy more.

Marquise de Morville

@rimy I went for a few months, my friend was a new yoga teacher and asked me if I was interested in her class. I liked the experience - and I am very far from being a mystical hippie. Try it!

rimy

@Marquise de Morville I am definitely not a mystical hippie either but when I'm in a good class taught competently and I get into it, it does good things for my head. I love all the crazytalk on some of the kundalini youtube videos I saw though.

Although I'm actually sort of interested in the third eye stuff? Like that it's the pineal gland, located between the two lobes of your brain and it can calcify when exposed to flouride? Conspiracies abound!

rimy

@rimy To be clear, I am not a conspiracy theorist, I just get a kick out of conspiracy theories. I love that guy on the Discovery Channel, "ancient alien theorists suggest that..."

rimy

@rimy I mean History Channel! Not Discovery. The orange guy with the gigantic hair!

(cannot edit comments at work for some reason)

planforamiracle

@rimy My experience the with mystical yoga stuff is limited to feeling awkward at first whenever chanting happened in class ("let's chant Om three times together to begin the class"), to loving it and chanting when I practice at home. but that on its own feels pretty awesome to me. #hippietymes

KeLynn

@rimy I went to one class and found it to be....meh. I don't think I'm the right audience. But I also went to it by mistake (I thought it was a different yoga class until it was underway), so maybe the fact that you want to go in the first place means you're more likely to be into it?

KatieBarTheDoor

Job hunting-- I feel kind of useless and discouraged already. I see so many positions I'm not qualified for, which I know is fine, but after a while it's hard to see them and not think "Agh, I don't have 8 years of experience with elementary-age publications, I AM NOT WORTHY OF ANYTHING"

KatieBarTheDoor

@KatieBarTheDoor Maybe I should stop commenting on the FOT and actually apply for things? (I was always at work for these things, and now I'm not, so I'm enjoying being able to comment at will.)

meetapossum

@KatieBarTheDoor I've been looking for a new job for over a year, so I feel you.

coolallison

@KatieBarTheDoor I just went through this not that long ago, and it was so disheartening. I was either way under-qualified, or way overqualified. So I very quickly got depressed and just started streaming Law & Order SVU while wearing pajamas all day.

But I eventually took one of the way overqualified jobs with the plan of coming in and just amazing everyone and climbing the ladder faster than anyone has ever seen. OR at least I can enjoy the fact that I don't have to work any overtime.

crango

@KatieBarTheDoor What it with all these fairly simple seeming jobs looking for 5+ years experience?! Have you thought about looking into a temp agency? You probably won't find your dream job doing that, but it pays a lot better than retail and it's experience to put on your resume. I just got a job at a really cool local nonprofit that's long term and planning to hire if it works out, so I think it's something certainly worth considering

pajamaralls

@KatieBarTheDoor I was pretty much gonna say the exact same thing. I graduated in May of 2011 and I had an my first interview today. It's for a part-time position at a department store, which I'm not thrilled about but any money is better than no money I guess.

mittens blum

@KatieBarTheDoor - I saw upthread that you just moved to Boston, and as a fellow recent Boston transplant, I commiserate. This city is the absolute worst in terms of unreasonable experience demands for jobs. 5 years of social media experience doesn't exist, guys!

My strategy has been to just apply anyway and see if it works out, and cross my fingers that new budgets for 2013 will mean more jobs. Maybe we should start an unemployed Bostonian support group.

LeafySeaDragon

lj freinds? i just made an account (like 10 year lj hiatus) while-crocodile.livejournal.com/profile

Regina Phalange

ADULT ACNE, WHAT UP.
So, my skin is generally pretty awful (one at a time, gentlemen, please!), but right now, I'm experiencing mega-bad breakouts in some non-facial places - on my upper arms, on my throat, and (worst of all) on the skin between my chin and my neck. (Does that have a name? "Under my chin"?)

I am trying all of my usual tricks (Noxema pads, face wash, exfoliating, etc.), and nothing is working! I mean, REALLY, BETWEEN MY CHIN AND MY NECK? There's gotta be some karmic law against this, right?

KatieBarTheDoor

@Regina Phalange This is happening to me too! I'm starting to get it on my back and on my neck around my jawbone, like especially right around where that jawbone joint is? My face has gotten better after a few months of random insanity, but WHAT is up with the neck stuff??

chrysopoeia

@Regina Phalange I recently discovered the magic that is coconut oil and baking soda. This is the least reactive my skin has been all winter.

OhMyGoshYouGuys

@Regina Phalange Have you seen a dermatologist? Instead of attacking with Noxema and company, try to do as little to it as possible. And since it's in other places on your body, you might consider changing to a chemical/dye/fragrance-free laundry detergent. From my own experience, my skin cleared up a lot when I ditched anything with fragrance and shady chemicals, including shampoo and conditioner and especially stuff I put on my face.

Quinn A@twitter

@Regina Phalange Oh, God, the under-jaw-sort-of-neck area is the WORST. And nothing has worked for me yet, so I'm jumping on this thread in case some 'Pinner can help.

BattyRabbit

@Regina Phalange Uggggh I hate neckpit/chinpit acne. That is the grossest name I could come up with. Sometimes I get acne in the little space behind my earlobes?? Doing that thing that I think Jane recommended once - actually massaging in face wash and stuff for a whole minute instead of just maniacally scrubbing at it for 15 seconds - has helped me with this, in the past.

LeafySeaDragon

@Regina Phalange are you sure it's acne and not hormonal or an allergy? a lot of rashes can look a lot like acne.

par_parenthese

@Regina Phalange My skin is a beast in the winter -- breakouts AND flaky skin. My Rx: soothing soap on a washcloth, warm water, facial oil from Everyday Minerals.

crango

@BattyRabbit Seconding massaging! I started getting acne on my chest recently and acne wash didn't really do much until i slowed down and worked it in. Huge difference!

Regina Phalange

@LeafySeaDragon I don't thiiiink it's a rash, although I am intrigued by the possibility.
Basically, I think of my skin as having a background, everyday texture, and then specific breakouts. With the exception of the "chinpit" area, I'm generally past having specific breakouts, but my skin is always a little too red and rough-looking - not pimples, exactly, but reddish spots, freckles, sun damage, etc. :(

Diana

@Regina Phalange
Try giving up dairy for a little bit. It doesn't help everybody (otherwise vegans would never have adult acne), but it does help some people and it absolutely helped me.

LeafySeaDragon

@Regina Phalange excema is a wiidddee spectrum. and winter? FORGET IT. excema city. easy on the chemicals, hydrate, keep moisturized. my son gets a bath soak every other day and a coating of aquaphor. lotion really doesn't help. oil is nice.. but mostly a nice soak and a seal will do more than anything else i've tried.

mackymoo

@Regina Phalange If you want something unnatural, the acne medication, Benzaclin that actually made my face better just stopped being prescription only. Now I can get it at Walgreens for like $8 and I can live my life again. I'm 24 and my acne has never gone away. It is really drying, but I'll take it for just have a clear face for more than 1 day a month.

Regina Phalange

@mackymoo I'm all about better living through chemistry (and thanks for the Walgreens tip!)

Thanks for the suggestions, everyone. Also (just gotta brag) totally got some unexpected smooching in tonight, so, chinpit, in the words of Jessa, I AM UNSMOTEABLE.

supernintendochalmers

@Regina Phalange Moisturize! I know it seems counter-intuitive, but especially in the winter when your skin dries out and flakes and clogs your pores (ugh) moisturizing can majorly help. Aveeno Daily Moisture is my jam.

BattyRabbit

I forgot to come up with a reason to leave the house today! Whoops!

BattyRabbit

@BattyRabbit Let's see if I can not feel like crap about it.

adorable-eggplant

@BattyRabbit To not miss all the fun stuff on the open thread. :)

rimy

@BattyRabbit It's ok! Go out for dinner, get a good night's rest, and stretch out, take a deep breath, and reset tomorrow morning.

tea sonata

@BattyRabbit No point guilting yourself about it - just make sure all time spent indoors is time well spent.

BattyRabbit

@adorable-eggplant I am actually really glad that my schedule the past few weeks has been slack enough that I've been able to be on the FOT! I just wish I managed to do something with the rest of my days that I could share here, haha.

BattyRabbit

@tea sonata Ay, there's the rub, hahahaha.

Heat Signature

Learned a valuable lesson today: Police officers do not laugh at ironic stories about dog catchers ahem I mean animal control officers.

rimy

@Heat Signature Oh man one time I called a police officer a 'cop' to his face. He was not amused.

coolallison

@rimy Are you not supposed to do that? I didn't even know...

Jinxie

@rimy Surely that was just an especially uptight cop? BroJinx is a Law Enforcement Officer and pretty much the only thing that would bug him is if you called him PoPo and that's just because "PoPo" sounds stupid. Granted, he's old and bitter and ready to quit enforcing the law, so, grain of salt and all that.

rimy

@Jinxie Maybe it's the fact that I'm from the South and being respectful and using formalities is really expected/ingrained into the culture? Sir, Ma'am, Officer? ...or maybe he was just really uptight.

katiemcgillicuddy

@rimy I once referred to some cops at my door as, "boys". They did not like it, but I almost had an orgasm saying it. That was a good morning. (I have a colorful family.)

packedsuitcase

Guys, long distance relationships are no joke. I'm a month away from seeing Dudefriend and the last month before a trip is somehow the worst part. It's like it's so close that I'm *really* feeling how far away he is because soon he'll be right here for me to cuddle, and then I just end up breaking down pretty regularly. It's so hard, and it's miserable not having a set end date. I know this is my guy, I know I'll do this as long as we have to, but ugh. I don't want to have to anymore.

katiemcgillicuddy

@packedsuitcase Are you me? I'm a couple weeks from seeing my own dudefriend, and then after that it'll be another 3, 4, 5 weeks (we live a couple hours apart which would be fine but his fucking job takes him out to fucking sea for weeks at a time) It should get better with time, but for now, fuuuuuuck. So I feel you on the "I don't want to have to anymore" thing.

packedsuitcase

@katiemcgillicuddy Oh, that's the worst! It's like having him close-ish and not at the same time! We're far enough apart that visits are about twice a year, so I can get into a solid routine and not feel like he's just out of arm's reach, but ugh. There are 29 more miserable, lonely sleeps before he's here and it's so hard. And it's hard in such a weird way, you know? It's hard because things are SO GOOD and I just want them to be good and also have him be snuggle-able.

katiemcgillicuddy

@packedsuitcase Yeah, it's like long-distance-but-not? Either way it sucks. I do get to see him though, and definitely more than twice a year:( What is nice is that, when he's home he's not working at all, so I just take off as many days as I can and we hole up in his house. Which is pretty fucking awesome. But crap does it suck when he leaves. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go inhale one of his t-shirts.

packedsuitcase

@katiemcgillicuddy Yeah, I'm spending tonight reading my book and wearing his rugby top. It doesn't smell like him anymore, but it makes me so happy and reminds me of him. I will make him wear it when he's here and then I can have that awesome Dudefriend smell again. I hope the weeks pass quickly for both of us so we can have solid dudefriend time.

katiemcgillicuddy

@packedsuitcase Ha, his shirt has almost completely lost the smell, too! So now I will just wear it. See, I've learned from my days of stealing tshirts from boys, that if you just don't wear it the scent won't go away nearly as fast, I just toss it in my bed. Ugh, but now the scent is almost gone, so I'll wander around the house in it later. I have to pick a better t-shirt next time. Ditto on hoping the weeks go by fast so we can see our guys.

Alexmen

I have to pick a better t-shirt next time. Ditto on hoping the weeks go by fast so we can see our guys....Flat Fee Listing

RK Fire

Guys! I got a cute little cruiser bike for $40 and it is actually sized for my 5'2" body and now I can finally learn how to ride a bike! :D :D :D

frigwiggin

@RK Fire Yaaay! I hope you enjoy it and ride it lots! I keep meaning to get a new bike to replace my creaky old Schwinn for work commuting, or to at least get some chain grease so it'll be less creaky, but apparently I am lazy enough to keep putting up with a crummy bike?

RK Fire

@frigwiggin Thank you! I'm incredibly excited and am looking forward to doing many practice rides around parks in it. I was a little nervous about getting it because I didn't budget for it, but I felt that $40-$50 for a bike is too good to beat.

If your bike still works safely and just need a little extra work, I think it's totally fine to keep riding it! I am a total newbie to the world of biking though, so ymmv, etc.

harebell

@RK Fire
Yay!!! I had to learn as an adult, too, and it is not the easiest thing right away (especially around unsympathetic people who learned as children), but cruisers are the best kind of bike to learn on! And it's really fun once you get the hang of it!

I learned from a lady who's been profiled in the NY Times for teaching adults how, and she had me just glide down a slope on the bike without using the pedals many times, to learn how to balance. Once I got that, it was muuuuch easier to add in the other steps like pedaling, turning, starting. Muuuch easier, and much more under your own control than having somebody run behind you holding the seat, which actually made it harder for me to figure out.

Have fun!

Verity

I was going to be visiting my boyfriend this weekend, only to find the symptoms of the UTI I thought had gone away a week and a half ago had returned with a vengeance. By bedtime last night I had a pain in my side (cue panicked thoughts about kidney infections), was shaking, and felt like I was going to be sick. Doctor's appointment and prescription for antibiotics today, and the decision that putting off the visit might be wise.

(I've somehow managed not to get a UTI before now, and was quite taken aback by how awful I felt last night. Stupid body.)

Verity

@Verity On the plus side, I watched some episodes of Season 1 ER, which was fun. As someone who watched it from about 2005 onwards, everyone looks so young/unfamiliar!

tea sonata

@Verity OH MY GOD DR GREEN.
Although thinking about it, I don't think he was pre-2005...

Verity

@tea sonata Dr Greene was definitely pre-2005; he was long gone by the time I started watching.

RK Fire

@Verity Oh god, I'm so glad you're getting antibiotics! I had a UTI back in college that was pretty much asymptomatic, so I didn't know about it until it progressed to absurdly high fever/vomiting/kidney infection stage. That was the scariest thing ever, and I'm so glad you're handling it before an ER visit.

tea sonata

@Verity He was? I have no sense of time before 2006, so thanks for clearing that up. I only started watching it because my mother started watching it, and she only started watching it because George Clooney. Understandable. Alas, he was gone when I came to it.

Hope you feel better soon.

Verity

@RK Fire Me too! When I first got symptoms I wanted to make sure it didn't progress to a kidney infection, but I was away from home so wasn't able to go to the doctor, and then the symptoms went away after a few days. (My mum, a nurse, assured me I was probably fine.) And then last night I started to feel awful, and panicked a bit about septicaemia and kidney infections and so on. But I have antibiotics, and my doctor didn't seem concerned, so hurrah. That sounds so scary for you - I hope you're all okay now.

RK Fire

@Verity It was eight years ago and the one upside to all of it is that I take UTIs (and sudden high fevers) extremely seriously now! I've been kidney infection free since then, fortunately.. I was afraid that I would get UTIs all the time since then. It was really terrifying at the time because I just though I was getting a cold or the flu or something.

lisma

OkCupid.

Stories, advice, etc?

professionalmess

@lisma I am interested in these responses for reasons.

JanieS

@lisma Advice (as mentioned in my neurotic freakout thread above): be honest. Be honest about what you're looking for and who you are. Because it's impossible to make connections to people through layers of fakery.

Also don't go on dates with people because you feel guilty about turning them down. This is how you end up spending 2 awkward hours in the company of an Iranian statistician who has absolutely nothing to talk about but math and his family's business in Teheran.

lisma

@JanieS oh gosh, I didn't even see that!

How has it been going so far? I made a new account two days ago, and I'm not sure what I want out of it. So far, it's been...amusing.

Harriet Welch

@lisma
Stories: Went on a TON of ridiculous, awful, cringe-inducing dates with lame dudes. Now it's like a party trick where my friends ask me to tell the stories based on the adopted monikers of my dates. "Ooooh oooh do axe one!", "The one that couldn't read!", "You seemed like a nicer girl' dude!!"
Then I went on a great one and got married :)

Advice: Be silly, don't take it seriously. If you feel comfortable with it, just go out with anyone who asks. Even if they are weird or not your type. Also feel free to end the date mid-stream with a "Thanks for coming out, but I just don't think this is a good fit. Good luck!" I figured I would go on a million dates and get the weird awkwardness out of the way. I probably wouldn't have gone out of my way to go out with my husband, but I am glad I did.

crango

@JanieS Ugh, my first OkC date was done out of guilt with an overbearingly self deprecating caterer at the local zoo and it was the worst! Don't do that!

trappedinabay

@lisma There was the guy who met me at an Indian restaurant, nervously gulped down four (FOUR!) glasses of ice water in the first ten minutes, and spent the rest of the date twitching, talking about his love of Woody Allen, and racing to the bathroom every few minutes.

lisma

@Harriet Welch
HARRIET THE SPY?

JanieS

@trappedinabay Ahhhh. That sounds awful. But hilarious.

Also it's never a good sign when the Gentleman Caller can't make eye contact.

lisma

@trappedinabay wouldn't that give you brain freeze or something?

karenb

@lisma answer as many questions as you can, don't be afraid of making things mandatory answers if they're important to you or seem otherwise helpful (there's a basic math one that may be useful).

i met my boyfriend on OKC, we've been together a year and a half and moved in together over the summer, if you need success stories.

trappedinabay

@lisma Also! There was the guy who said he'd pick me up for dinner and a movie, so I wore a cute skirt. He drove me to Ikea and we had Swedish meatballs in their cafeteria next to all the families with small children and hungover college kids. Then he took me to the park, because the movie was apparently one of those free movie-in-the-park things. Guess what the movie was? Spongebob Squarepants. And the blanket he brought was REALLLLY tiny, so I had to sit on an uncomfortably small square in my skirt (the other option was basically sitting in his lap, which I was not into). Hilarity!

lisma

@trappedinabay I feel like IKEA is not the move for a first date. It just isn't.

Jinxie

@lisma Word. An Ikea date is some next-level relationship shit.

Harriet Welch

@lisma Yes!!!!!!

lisma

@Harriet Welch I wish wish wish that Wes Anderson would make a movie version of Harriet the Spy.

crango

I finally got a job!!! Not only that, but I was told a few hours after my second interview that they were so impressed that they cancelled all the other interviews they had scheduled that week!! I'm so excited, it's full time and I start Monday!!! I've been on the hunt since July and am so glad I don't have to write multiple cover letters a day anymore.

raised amongst catalogs

@crango Hey, congrats! Was it at the non-profit you mentioned last Friday?

crango

@raised amongst catalogs Thanks! It is indeed! I was really worried that they'd hire someone with a more administrative background since I went to art school, especially since they all referred to me as The Artist during the first interview, and it turned out that was one of the things they really liked about my resume!

raised amongst catalogs

@crango YESSSSSSSSSSS! It pays off sometimes to not be the cookie-cutter, obvious choice for things.

Emmylou Who

My dad got laid off today, which is a big bummer, but it feels like an even bigger bummer because we work for the same company. For the past 8 years we've met each morning to get coffee and chat for a few minutes and I've totally not appreciated how completely awesome that is. My main thing is that I just feel so bad for him (which I know probably totally pisses him off because he's not a pity party type of guy). He was with the company for 30 years! Watching him walk around and tell everyone that he was laid off broke my heart, probably more than if it had been me that was laid off instead.

redheaded&crazy

@Emmylou Who Aw man. That is the saddest. Things at my dad's work are also pretty tense because he's working in a part of the auto industry that still isn't doing that well, and recently a bunch of heads of departments got fired, including head of security, who normally walks out the people who were fired. My dad (another head of department) had to do NOT HIS JOB of walking out those people, who he has worked with for 25 years, knowing that it's other people at the same level as him (ominous implications). It seriously broke my heart. NOT COOL.

Mae
Mae

@Emmylou Who I'm so sorry. I work in the same building as my dad, although not for the same company. During the height of the recession a bunch of my dad's co-workers (equal to him in experience and seniority) were all laid off over a period of several months. He thought it would happen to him, but it didn't. He thinks some of them were laid off because they were starting to have serious health problems - one guy had been diagnosed with cancer. Seriously shitty.

frigwiggin

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS READING?!

I am reading Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell for the first time and am enjoying it! (And am looking around for awesome fanart of it like Kali Ciesemier's drawings of Sabriel but have not had much luck yet.) Also, I am so far keeping up with my resolution to blog about books at least once a week and am feeling proud of myself!

JanieS

@frigwiggin I just bought Angle of Repose, since it got talked up around here lately. I expect life-changing to commence this weekend.

crango

@frigwiggin I just finished Mr g and it was so good! Just started on The Psychopath Test. I'm only a few pages in, but it's pretty interesting!

professionalmess

@frigwiggin I am reading another installment of my guilty pleasure, The Wheel of Time, but I just finished Gone Girl and it was so good. Like, I think people should stop reading the books they are reading and read it instead.

Diana

@frigwiggin
The Better Angels of Our Nature which is about the decline of violence along the course of human civilization. I basically want everybody on The Hairpin to read it so we can talk about it as a family because it's incredible.

packedsuitcase

@JanieS I started The Shadow of the Wind last night and I'm enjoying it so far. Got the last family member off to the airport this morning so I am looking forward to a night alone with my book, and then a morning full of writing.

Verity

@frigwiggin Alternative Alcott, a collection of Louisa May Alcott's lesser-known works. Her sensation story Behind a Mask is completely ridiculous and great.

BattyRabbit

@Diana That sounds really fascinating! I'll look for it once I finish this here stack of library books. Or, I could just add to the stack.

OhMyGoshYouGuys

@crango I just finished Psychopath Test. So, so good. Now I'm into Moranthology by Caitlin Moran.

stonefruit

@frigwiggin Wolf Hall and it is a slog! I'm digging it, but oh lord, I am usually a speedy reader and this is just not what I would describe as a quick read.

meetapossum

@frigwiggin I'm reading Unfamiliar Fishes by Sarah Vowell and learning a lot about Hawaii.

anachronistique

@frigwiggin JS&MN! <3 <3 <3 Such a good book. I am just barely starting The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, because my dad gave it to me for Christmas. It's making me feel really bad about how nonexistent my Spanish is, but otherwise great.

@stonefruit I personally found that I wanted to read Wolf Hall slowly so I could roll around in all that gorgeous prose. Mmmmm good writing mmmm.

lasso tabasco

@frigwiggin I'm reading Good Omens, but I'm considering putting it aside. I just can't get into it and sitting down to read it is an exercise in self control.

Jane Err

@frigwiggin I just started The Tiger last night and it's already pretty creepy and good. But I think I want to concurrently start a novel as well. One of my Goodreads bookclubs is doing The Age of Innocence so I might start that one.

Whatever happened to The Hairpin Goodreads club?? Anyone know?

no bricks

@frigwiggin I am nearly finished Middlesex and think I'm going to read Cloud Atlas next!

Jinxie

@frigwiggin I am on my third attempt at reading Jonathan Strange and I'm hoping this time I'll actually make it past the 10% mark. It is exactly the kind of book I normally love but I have had the hardest time getting into it. I'm not giving up this time, though!

KatieBarTheDoor

@frigwiggin I feel kind of embarrassed to admit this, but I'm reading a book by Jodi Picoult, and I don't like it and the writing is pissing me off, yet I'm vaguely curious to see how it turns out. BUT before this I just finished reading the Lord of the Rings trilogy for the first time (yay!) and I've just gotten We Have Always Lived in the Castle (recommended by 'Pinners) out of the library, so I figure it'll balance out.

Elsajeni

@frigwiggin I'm re-reading the Lord of the Rings, and I'm also reading Ronia, the Robber's Daughter for the first part of this 2013 Reading Challenge ("a childhood favorite you haven't picked up in years").

Danzig!

@frigwiggin I'm reading the comments under my interview because they make me feel good / I am a narcissist

honey cowl

@professionalmess I hated Gone Girl. Why does everyone like Gone Girl. Tell me please, why do you like Gone Girl, and is there something fundamentally wrong with me as a human being who reads???

I have said this downthread, but I am reading "The Hour I First Believed" by Wally Lamb AND IT IS AMAZING! Everyone should read it!

Valley Girl

Happy Friday my damies.

I wish either community college or state university had explained to me that connecting with professors all along so that I would have people to call on for references when I tried to do grad school applications was, like, as important as the actual school work. It sounds so dumb and obvious now but I was busy working and commuting for all that time and thought pulling good grades was enough. I think I've finally got all my references squared away with a lot of work people but I cut about five years off my life figuring it out because I am so disorganized. Go me! :P

tea sonata

Sorry, this is about to be a Superficial post of Superficiality. I am back on the diet wagon (for two weeks) because I ate my body weight in After Eights over the Christmas period. And I'm actually determined about things this time round, and I'm being sensible about it to boot. Ergo, I seem to be succeeding! Who knew I had in in me, eh?

Housemate and I seem to have swapped styles almost inadvertently. She's gone from Designer size 2 Fakequestrian to "Primark Punk meets Joan Jett". Whilst I've gone from death metal fan to channeling my inner Emma Watson. Feel so weird yet so right.

In the meantime, School... eehh. 6 months to go, can't go fast enough. Just keep swimming, Dory was right. Everything else seems to be ticking along.

Enjoy your weekends, Pinners!

phipsi

@tea sonata Yes I am "back on the wagon" for the eleventy billionth time, but somehow it's like NBD to be all "hey turkey sandwich" instead of "I will have 23 cookies for lunch OKAY." Plus we got a dog and I've been walking a TON, and I just feel good, yanno!? Keep after it. It's all about the gradual - if you're being too restrictive or working out too much, it will just come piling back on when you get sick of that crap after a month.

tea sonata

@phipsi Ah! Doggy times! Best work out excuse ever, no wonder you feel good. I was ill over New Year so I'm being gentle with the exercise, but as a result I'm being more healthy/adventurous with the foods. That is my attempt at keeping it interesting.
Good luck to you, we'll do it.

phipsi

@tea sonata Same to you. There are so many people at my crazy, fat-phobic, former gym that are just INSANE about losing weight and obsess over every pound increment and get really freaked out if they gain a little weight back in a week. It's really sad to me. One woman at my (former) gym gained back 50 lbs over the course of the summer fall, but is now "GOING TO LOSE ALL THE WEIGHT!!!" but then posts a picture of this drawer full of clearance Christmas candy on Facebook. Stop buying Christmas candy it's not even that tasty!!!!!!! I'm like, don't beat yourself up about missteps and holidays, but DO learn to recognize things that are worth it (mom's homemade XYZ) and things that are not (an entire bag of marginally delicious Christmas candy).

tea sonata

@phipsi - That does not compute. 50lbs is no small sum to either gain or lose, false promises are not going to change that.

That said, I know about obsessing over every pound increment. My weight fluctuates a lot, and I went through a period of weighing myself daily. Until I read that 1lb = 3500 calories, and I couldn't possibly consume 5500 calories in one day, then I STFU and put the scales away. Sooo much easier.

katiethegreat

Guys! Today I raised £210, 1 euro and a shilling (??) for the charity I'm interning at, had my volunteer internship upgraded to a PAID internship, and wore my hair in an awesome side ponytail. Bossed it, basically :D

Happy happy. Hope y'all are having good fridays, now to read the rest of the thread!

katiethegreat

Guys! Today I raised £210, 1 euro and a shilling (??) for the charity I'm interning at, had my volunteer internship upgraded to a PAID internship, and wore my hair in an awesome side ponytail. Bossed it, basically :D

Happy happy. Hope y'all are having good fridays, now to read the rest of the thread!

Verity

@katiethegreat A shilling? (??) indeed.

tea sonata

@Verity Success translates through space and time, it seems. Champion!

trappedinabay

You guys, my future sister-in-law picked a bridesmaid dress that doesn't come in my (plus but not THAT plus) size. She wants me to buy the fabric and have a dressmaker custom-make the dress, which is an expensive proposition. First the dressmaker has to create the pattern ($100-$200), then do the actual work ($300-$500), plus the cost of the fabric (say I need six yards of that specific silk chiffon, which is $25 per yard, which comes to $150, plus the cost of the lining fabric, which who knows). On the low end, that's $600 for a dress I'll wear once.

And the shittiest thing my brother has said so far was that after extensive research of bridesmaid dresses, his fiance came to the conclusion that "ANY dress would require extensive alteration" to fit me. Like, seriously?? My proportions are so grotesque that I have to pay someone a ton of money to create a dress out of great swathes of cloth? How do they think I manage to dress myself everyday?

I'm so depressed.

adorable-eggplant

@trappedinabay UGGGGGH THIS MAKES ME SO ANGRYQ!!! Argh!

Here's what I'd say (sprinkle with curses as necessary) "No."

If you need to elaborate: "I am not prepared to spend that much above and beyond what is asked of the other bridesmaids. If you are willing to pay for the dress I will consider being a bridesmaid (I'd still say no, because of pure, blinding rage), but otherwise I'll have to respectfully bow out now."

Ugh.

LeafySeaDragon

@trappedinabay yeah, they don't want you in the wedding. do *you* even want to be in the wedding?

professionalmess

@trappedinabay Can you quit as a bridesmaid? Maybe that's a really harsh thing to do to a bride/your brother? I think you should only be in people's weddings if they are nice to you though.

Alternatively if quitting outright is not an option, can you find a similar style/color of dress in your size and budget and see if that is acceptable to them?

trappedinabay

@LeafySeaDragon Oh, the other great part is the emotional blackmail. My brother said that it's really important that I be in their wedding party, and that if I back out as a bridesmaid, he's concerned about the future of his & future-sister-in-law's relationship with me. Manipulative! Horsepucky! WTF!

Judith Slutler

@trappedinabay What is this fuckery. I'd cheerfully offer to be an usher or something instead, citing something like "time commitments" and never speak of this amazingly douchey clusterfuck again. WOW your s.i.l. is so out of line here, I don't even think it's worth discussing this with her.

Seriously WTF.

EDIT: oh god I just saw your post about the emotional blackmail, what even??? This is some high grade bullshit.

trappedinabay

@professionalmess I asked about the finding-another-dress-for-me option, but it's "really important" to the bride that all dresses are the same. UGHHHH.

frumious bandersnatch

@trappedinabay Wut. That's absurd. I don't know how far along the planning process is, but maybe talk to them about having bridesmaids in a certain shade rather than identical dresses? This is way more flattering, keeps people happy, and is hip and modern. Or ask if she is considering other options that you could see. And maybe maybe tell your brother upfront that she's being awful (as nicely as possible).

But yeah that is pretty awful on her part. I bet you'll look hot regardless.

ETA: While I was thinking, everyone else responded. Sorry for redundancy/useless suggestions!

OhMyGoshYouGuys

@trappedinabay I know what I would do. Offer to not be in the wedding party and show up in a poncho. Drunk, obviously.

redheaded&crazy

@trappedinabay Wow, this is bullshit. SUCH BULLSHIT! I would also say no. At first I thought it was your sister and I was like HOLY HELL WHO WOULD DO THIS TO THEIR SISTER (I'm sure people would) but, I mean, not that it makes it okay since it's your sister-in-law to be.

Choose your words gracefully and bow out, is what I would do. And if anybody says anything, patented PPM: RELENTLESSLY CHEERFUL ICILY POLITE responses. As short and generic and non-responsive as possible.

redheaded&crazy

@redheaded&crazie And then THINK ABOUT THIS: show up in a BANGIN. HOT. FUCKIN. DRESS. That you did not have to get custom-made, that you will wear more than once, that YOU chose, that looks good on you. That doesn't cost $600.

redheaded&crazy

Oh shit, I'm just getting caught up on your responses now about your brother being a shithead.

Ummmmm. I would just keep it short and simple "Hey bro, I can't afford the price of that custom option, I would love to be in your wedding party but it's simply not financially feasible! Sorry! Can't wait for the wedding!"

REPEAT AD NAUSEUM. "It's just not financially feasible! Sorry!"

(I mean he doesn't even deserve this explanation, you could go EVEN Shorter "I would love to be in your wedding party but it's just not going to work out at this time. Can't wait!" you owe nobody explanations NOBODY)

fabel

@trappedinabay what the fuck. The appropriate thing your future SIL should've done, upon seeing that the dress didn't come in every bridesmaid's size, was to FIND ANOTHER DRESS. How does she (& your brother??) believe that the right step is "oh well, we'll just have her ~buy the fabric & pay a tailor $600~ to create the dress out of nowhere"???

I'm sorry, I'm just balking. Why isn't anyone close to her (the other bridesmaids, perhaps?) shutting this down & explaining how unreasonable she's being?

anachronistique

@trappedinabay FUUUUUUUUCK THAAAAAAAAT NOOOOOOOOISE

Judith Slutler

@redheaded&crazie Yes indeed. IT IS JUST NOT FINANCIALLY FEASIBLE.

Also the brother should really be playing his position here, no? Instead of passing along nastygrams from his fiancee?

Oh wow this story is kinda hitting a nerve for me!

TheLetterL

@trappedinabay In the time it took me to type a reply, everyone else said what I was saying, only better. So please just accept my rage on your behalf.

highfivesforall

@trappedinabay Argh, that is completely unacceptable behavior. I feel like my passive aggressive response would be to spam them with links to bridesmaid dresses that come in your size, because duh, they definitely exist. Is there anyone else you can involve in this conversation that is a reasonable, caring human being? A parent, another bridesmaid?

roadtrips

@trappedinabay Not to come down too harsh on your brother, who I certainly don't know, but 1) People who say shit like "it'll jeopardize our relationship" about things like bridesmaids dresses are using that language mostly to get their way. I really doubt that when push comes to shove your brother will stop speaking to you over something as stupid as a dress. And if he does, 2) People who would stop speaking to a close member of their family (who they presumably have no other reason to stop speaking to) over something as trivial as a dress, well, maybe that just needs to happen, right? If it wasn't this it would be something else, probably. This is definitely a situation in which you are entirely within your rights to say that you have a limit on the amount of money you are able/willing to spend on a dress, and if they can't be flexible (pay for part of the dress, choose a dress that comes in your size, let their bridesmaids choose their own dresses, whatever) you can't be a bridesmaid. UGH SERIOUSLY SORRY BUT IT MAKES ME SO MAD. I don't know these people and I want to ruin their stupid wedding. Good luck!

LeafySeaDragon

@trappedinabay it's passive agressive bullshit and it's going to be a great excuse to cut you out. "oh but i TRIED and she was RUINING MY SPECIAL DAY and it just hurts that i opened up to her and this is what she does, she made it all about her!" ...i may or may not have issues with my sil

redheaded&crazy

@TheLetterL noooo LetterL I liked yours! I like the part where you offer to do something else, yours was the most graceful! PUT IT BACK UP!

(I mean not that you, trappedinabay, even owe anybody gracefulness, except maybe yourself in the sense that sometimes it feels damn good to rise above everything and be more polite and more tactful than douchebags, Idunno)

tea sonata

@trappedinabay NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE.

TheLetterL

@redheaded&crazie NOOOOOOO! I CAN'T, IT IS GONE FOREVER! ALSO THAT IS THE FIRST TIME ANYONE HAS CALLED ME GRACEFUL! THANK YOU!

...I think it was something like "A custom dress isn't in my budget. I'm flattered you want to include me in the ceremony, but we need to find a workable solution. Can I do a reading instead?"

SarahP

@trappedinabay Aw, I'm really sorry you have to put up with this. You deserve better from family.

I really like @adorable-eggplant's advice.

And as to the guilt-trip/emotional blackmail: her ridiculous demands and his downright cruel statement has already seriously affected your relationship with these people. If he were actually concerned about that, he would've thought about it before being mean/allowing her to be mean to you.

frumious bandersnatch

@fabel Right? The more I think about this the angrier I am. How can people like that exist? And find love?

trappedinabay

You guys are the best. These are all things I've been feeling/thinking/raging/bawling, but even my mom thinks I should shut up and just do it to keep the family peace. Everybody's acting like I'm some uppity troublemaker, but this is clear and utter bullshit! Thanks for the affirmations and the ideas. Xoxoxoxo

adorable-eggplant

@redheaded&crazie Banging hot dress!! Can you track down the one that Mindy Kaling wears in that episode in which she goes to the club (see Mindy Project). That dress is smokin'.

adorable-eggplant

@trappedinabay That's so lamely coercive. You're not a troublemaker (cough cough, your brother and his betrothed are). Fie on them.

trappedinabay

@LeafySeaDragon At this point, I don't even want to GO to the wedding!!

frumious bandersnatch

@trappedinabay HANDY POST ON GASLIGHTING WITH CLUELESS GIFS: http://millikandaily.com/2013/01/11/gaslighting-explained-in-gifs/

(you are not crazy/a troublemaker)

Judith Slutler

@trappedinabay "Shut up and do it" to the tune of $600, for a dress that you didn't even pick out for yourself, is NOT OK. Listen to dear redheaded&crazie. Stand up for yourself with grace and firmness.

angelan

@trappedinabay Everyone else has said they are so mad, but I also have to say it. That is ridiculous! Do they think that no bride in history ever ever had a plus sized(ish) bridesmaid? That they're the first ever to attempt such a difficult feat and have been sadly defeated? Refuse on principle. You could use that $600 on basically anything else and it would be better spent. >:(

PistolPackinMama

@trappedinabay Call her up and tell her you can't do it. "I am so sorry, Future SIL. I just cannot spend my entire year's clothing budget on a custom-made dress I will only wear once. I understand you have a really specific vision for your bridesmaids, so I am going to bow out in order to avoid the problem for you. But please do let me know if I can help out on the day or before. I'd be happy to do whatever you need me to do."

Google Translation of Relentlessly Cheerful & Icily Polite to Real Talk: BITCH PLEASE. It is not fair, and I am not putting up with it. Pick something I can wear without paying a Fat Tax or find someone else to be your bridesmaid.

Godammn. I am so mad at her. And NO IN FACT, many many many appropriate for a bridesmaid dresses in sizes larger than 14/16/18 exist in the world, so FUCK YOU future-SIL. Not. No. No.

highfivesforall

@PistolPackinMama Yeah, I just double-checked that Alfred Angelo, the place I just bought a dress from for my friend's wedding, has plus sizes, and of fuckin' course they do, in every single one of their styles, and they are no extra charge, so, future SIL did basically zero research whatsoever, and apparently both my sentence-length and comma-usage increase with anger, according to this comment I am typing now. Why our society allows brides to just be completely thoughtless with no social consequences, I will never understand.

This is my new username

@trappedinabay If it's so effing important to have that dress and that you wear one, then she should pay for the effing hassle/expense of getting it custom made! Gah!

katiemcgillicuddy

@trappedinabay I just...the...I...no. NO. I think the only obvious choice is OhMyGoshYouGuys's "drunk poncho" option.

Daisy Razor

@trappedinabay Aw, I feel you on your family making you feel crazy. I have nothing new to add except $600 is more than I spent on my wedding dress.

baked bean

@trappedinabay
FUCK YOUR SIL AND YOUR BROTHER.

Tell them you can't afford it. Then yeah, ditto with the "show up in a smokin hot dress" idea. You'll look better than the bride.

I was a bridesmaid in my cousin's wedding and she bought our dresses. They were less than $100, but still, it was very kind. I think ethically if you're going to ask someone to be your bridesmaid, you should pay for their dress or ask them to wear a dress of their choosing or one they already own.

I. Hate. Weddings. For the most part. I hate the way people handle weddings and do weddings and make a HUGE FUCKING DEAL over all this stupid SHIITTTTT. That's not weddings are about! GAAAHHHHHHHHHH.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@TheLetterL You might have to be that bitchy bridesmaid who gets all the attention on reality shows. Or, if there's a parent or other such relative who can talk some sense into your brother, and remind him that you are HIS SISTER, not some weird oversized stranger that has to be shoehorned into the wedding party, and that while planning a wedding is stressful, his fiancee is only going to cause herself more stress by forcing you to do all this.

That, or pay for the dress but don't agree to buying shoes. Don't pitch in on a gift for the bridal shower. Don't spend any money on her bachelorette party. Don't pay for any other bridesmaid shit.

Oh, and if you're not married already, when you get married, be sure to remind them of this.

weebleswobble

@trappedinabay

Hi! I didn't read everyone's responses to you so I'm not sure if what I'm about to say has already been said. First of all, I'm sending you lots of hugs/support/whatever you need to get through this. Being a bridesmaid can be so tough sometimes. You don't want to cause trouble, but that doesn't give the bride the right to be so dismissive toward your completely reasonable concerns.

If you aren't buying the fabric from the exact same manufacturer at the exact same time as the other bridesmaids, then it probably won't look exactly the same anyway because it will be from a different dye lot. Maybe you can use that logic to try to talk some sense into your future sister-in-law?

Another option, if she really can't be reasoned with: Keep looking online and try to find one that's very, very similar to the others (I've heard of some overseas distributors making copies of designer gowns) and then just order it and wear it and don't even say anything. If anyone asks how the dress-making process is going, just say "fine" (or "I don't want to talk about it" or something if you don't want to lie, although many therapists would agree that a little fibbing is okay to get out of an abusive situation).

Also, think outside the box. You can always add/remove a sash/strap/buckle/whatever to make your dress match the others, which would be way less expensive than starting from scratch!

You can link to the dress and your size and I (we all, I'm sure!) would be happy to try to find something out there for you.

P.S. I am a weird size too and whenever I am a bridesmaid my dress always costs more because I have to have so much more tailoring done than everyone else. I feel your pain. Best of luck!

TheLetterL

@trappedinabay @weebleswobble That's a really good point about dye lots. Chances are that a custom dress would still be a little off, so if they need MATCHIES, they need to find another dress.

What about your mom? If she's saying you should suck it up, would she be willing to put some money where her mouth is? Could you split the cost of your dress -- maybe you pay what the others are paying and she makes up the difference?

This is, of course, if you feel like it's best that you be in the wedding as a bridesmaid. I think you're also justified in backing out totally or finding another role.

It depends on logistics of the ceremony, but there are plenty of more-or-less formal ways to take part and/or help out. Maybe you can take a bigger part in the shower or bachelorette or rehearsal, help organize the bridesmaids, keep track of vendors, hand out programs, direct the seating, wrangle the flower girl down the aisle, do a reading, lead a prayer, make sure the photographer is getting all the "must have" shots, make a toast, bring the couple water or food if they are in danger of getting sloppy drunk, patrol for wallflowers or misbehaving family members....

Yes, basically all of the duties of the bridesmaids without all the, uh, glory. But also without the stress!

If they want to mark you as special, don't underestimate the power of a coordinating corsage.

PistolPackinMama

@PistolPackinMama I might even say "I am not paying a $400.00 fat tax for a dress I will wear once." Lay it out there. Clearly I am still fuming.

baked bean

@PistolPackinMama Best answer. Short and not sweet at all. Do it.

Megasus

@trappedinabay Wow, this is massively fucked up. I think you should back out, emotional blackmail or no. And then when they're like, "Oh well I guess our relationship is ruined now." I would be like, "You know what? I am completely OK with that."

Blushingflwr

@trappedinabay NOT OKAY (to repeat what everyone else has said).
Yes, formal dresses frequently do not come in plus sizes, but there is a difference between paying for alterations and paying for a brand-new dress custom made. I remember the first wedding I was in, we got separates, and we were in theory allowed to choose different tops (the same color, obvs), though all the girls chose the same one. And I had to pay more for mine because I was larger than the other girls. Which is bad enough (though in that case, the fault of the bridal shop, not, the fault of the bride).

We have this expectation in our culture that it is "the bride's day" and that she should have whatever she wants. Which is stupid - the wedding is about the couple yes, but it is (historically) also about two families aligning and all sorts of other things. If it's just about you, then go to the JoP and be done with it. And also that expectation that being a bridesmaid is a huge honor one should be grateful for. And yes, for me, I have been happy to be part of my friends' weddings, but $600 for a dress chosen by someone who doesn't seem to care if I look good/am comfortable? No thanks. (The last wedding I was in, I was the MoH and the bride paid for my dress, which was bought off the rack in the formals section of Penney's.

PPM's language is great, as is the "it's just not financially feasible" language. Or tell your brother that if you spend that much on a dress, it's gonna count as your wedding gift to them.

ColdFinger

I think I have that stomach flu... (That, or I'm just pregnant? OMG,better not be!)

ColdFinger

@ColdFinger Oh. Whoa. Sorry to overshare!

karenb

@ColdFinger i feel odd hoping for someone to have the flu! in either case, soda crackers and lots of liquids, and maybe a trip to the drugstore to check on that second option.

ColdFinger

@karenb Thanks! So nice to have some sympathy while I wait for the Advil to kick in!

katiemcgillicuddy

@ColdFinger I don't think you can overshare here. I literally don't think it's possible. But yeah, a quick trip to the drugstore may ease your mind. Feel better!

ColdFinger

@katiemcgillicuddy Wellllll. Apparently, I'm neither pregnant nor have the flu. I am, however, majorly weirded put by my body, which made me sleep for 15 hours.

ColdFinger

@katiemcgillicuddy Oh' how did I not say "thank you!"?!?!?!

katiemcgillicuddy

@ColdFinger Hey girl, glad you aren't pregnant (cause, you know, "oops style pregnant" isn't exactly ideal!) Oh, don't even worry about it, I just hope the general "feeling shitty feeling" goes away :)

thelittledeath
BattyRabbit

@minijen Holy SHIT I want to watch this so much!! It sounds so great!

karenb

@BattyRabbit i've seen the first 2 seasons (canuk here!) and it's sort of cheesy in a canadian-tv-way, but also really fun.

thelittledeath

@karenb - I LOVE Canadian TV, so it sounds good to me!

Jinxie

@minijen Oh! I actually just watched the first episode of that this week! I was drinking sake with a friend while we clicked on random shows on Netflix and Lost Girl wound up being one of the not-totally-terrible shows we watched. I mean, it's still pretty bad, but it's good-bad. Fun-bad. I'd watch it again.
(We also watched Merlin (BAD-bad, despite the presence of Giles from Buffy) and Being Human (the UK version, and it was FANTASTIC and I will definitely keep watching).)

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@minijen This show. I've watched both seasons and totally dig it. It's a bit ridic, but that's the beauty, right?

eleventyone

@Jinxie Anyone else ever see that episode of Spooks where Giles plays a (maybe) rogue spy and says "fuck"? It blew my mind. He doesn't even any glasses to clean while he talks!

Rock on with UK Being Human. That show is so addicting I had to ban myself from it to get work done a few years ago.

frumious bandersnatch

Blurgh so last FOT I asked for advice on the logistics of breaking up with my boyfriend and y'all were very helpful and I went ahead and did it a couple days ago! And hoo boy am I miserable! He was great, but I didn't see it going anywhere, but since then I've had some Revelations about how maybe it could be. And I know I need to give myself time and things look better in the rosy tint of hindsight so I'm not contacting him or anything or idolizing how it would be PERFECT. I guess what I'm wondering is if anyone has experience ending things for non-juiceboxy reasons and regretting it and changing their minds (or not).

roadtrips

@frumious bandersnatch I only have experience ending a lot of short relationships in a friendly, casual way, and one huge horrible mess. That said, the best advice I can give you is that there are a lot of people in this world, and a lot of them are people you might want to sleep with/date/marry/whatever. The only reason that people suffer from "one that got away" syndrome is because they have this idea that they missed some huge chance for True Love, and that simply isn't the case. Go on, nurse your wounds, change your mind if you have the opportunity to (but don't jerk him around!), or meet someone else. Good luck!

lookuplookup

@frumious bandersnatch Hm. My partner of ~4 years and I broke up close to a year ago for non-specific reasons vaguely related to "this probably won't go anywhere." We have lived together for a couple of years and I knew we were, sort of, slowly driving each other crazy because we were entering into that fuzzy period of adulthood where we were figuring out What We Want Out of Life and I think I was figuring it out quicker than he was (or I wanted to grow up and he wanted to play that Batman Arkham game on the Xbox and eat pizza for dinner every single night as like a permanent life plan -- which, there's nothing actually wrong with that, but it's not what I wanted). Our breakup was largely low key and sort of a "Well, I guess let's not do this anymore" sort of affair.

Anyway, it's not really salient advice, but it will be hard for awhile and then it will be less hard and then you will probably just not think about it that much. I initially regretted our relationship ending (we had what I like to call a "practice breakup" where we broke up, freaked out with regret and got back together, then we realized we were were wrong and broke up again). Sometimes I still miss certain things about him, but ultimately it's NBD. You'll get there. It felt weird and sad in the short run, but now that I'm a year out and have entered into the long run stage of the breakup, I know it was the right thing to do.

lasso tabasco

@frumious bandersnatch Stay strong! The panic is normal and will go away. Keep eating and drinking and sleeping until it passes!

KatieBarTheDoor

@frumious bandersnatch Well... I broke up with someone once basically because I had too many expectations about the relationship and was overwhelmed (which is the best way I can describe it succinctly). I broke his heart and soon started dating someone else. But about 2 months later, I finally allowed the feelings of regret to surface, realized I'd made a huge mistake, and asked his forgiveness. We are now married. Obviously not the typical situation for everyone, but I wanted to share my instance of changing my mind!

lora.bee

@frumious bandersnatch I don't have much advice, other than take care of yourself. It is so easy to follow the rosy-tinted path of what-could-have-been, but there were reasons that it WASN'T that way. I have never been 100% on any break up, even when I have been miserable...it was only time that let me see that it was the best choice. Don't make yourself reach a decision either way yet, and do things that make you happy! It's okay to be in limbo for a while, even though it SUCKS.

Faintly Macabre

Highlight of my childcare/child-teaching week:
10-year-old who claimed not to really like salmon called my improvised salmon recipe "super-bon," 7-year-old who seems to have Issues and cried in my class before break actually smiled and participated a lot this week!

Lowlight:
5-year-old child saying in French, "It's pointless [talking to you] because you understand nothing." (She likes to mutter to herself and then alternately get pissed when I think she's talking to me and get pissed when I don't understand her.) Same 5-year-old saying that she can't pull out the bath stopper because she's stuck the chain up her crotch. I then had to try to explain bacteria and vaginal...problems in French. (My mom says that's a red flag for her age, but ugh, I don't know.)
'

karenb

@Faintly Macabre a red flag for what? kids that age are sort of "oooh, there's a hole in my body, i'm going to stick things in it!" see; peas up noses, etc.

LeafySeaDragon

@Faintly Macabre i was just reading up on signs of a abuse in young girls (ugh, not going into it) and she's throwing up a few red flags.

lisma

@karenb definitely. I stuck a pinto bean in my nose during the second grade. The bean was approximately the size of my nostril, as far as I could tell, and the temptation was too strong. It got stuck.

karenb

@LeafySeaDragon oooh, that kind of flag. definitely a good thing to look for.

Faintly Macabre

@karenb Yeah, that's what I thought, but my mom (who obvs has way more kid experience than I do) was pretty shocked when I told her about it. Also because after I almost walked in on the brother after his shower, the girl complained that I don't see him naked, but I see her naked all the time. (I supervise her baths, which she whines about.) However, she doesn't fuss when I help her change for dance class, so who knows.

@LeafySeaDragon Yeah, that's what she thought. On one hand, I don't want to overreact or start suspecting that the older brother is abusing her, but I also don't want to ignore it if something is actually wrong. (Not that I really could ignore how terribly she's been behaving even if I wanted to.)

cocokins

@Faintly Macabre I work with children also! At an origami workshop this week, a third grader told me (with a creepy, twisted grin) that I looked "Good enough to eat." I ignored him. Not sure if that was the best response.

LeafySeaDragon

@cocokins i did a bunch of volunteer work with third graders last year and i could not believe how some of those kids talked.

Faintly Macabre

@cocokins A kid in my class of 10-year-olds was passing obscene notes to a kid with behavioral problems, one of which I intercepted and stuck in my pocket without reading it. In tiny letters, it says, "Le cu a ton frere"--your brother's ass--with a tiny drawing of a spotted butt. It's now hanging by my intercom, and I think my landlord probably saw it yesterday...

juniper

I'm moving to Seattle in a month! I'm both immensely excited and a little anxious. I'm moving with my guy for his job, but I don't know anyone there. I've lived in New York for the past five years and am looking forward to a change of pace and to try out this West Coast thing I keep hearing so much about.

It's exciting to strike out and try something new, but it's the eternal question -- how do people make friends in a new city?

SarcasticFringehead

@juniper You...join our Facebook group? We're pretty cool, I think.

honey cowl

@juniper West coast best coast!!!!! Welcome to the Emerald City, we are awesome.

Decca

I am currently putting the finishing touches on my first two term papers for my MA and it is giving me a complete confidence crisis. One is, I think, pretty good (It's on Dickens! And cannibals! And creepy mouths sucking on fingers!) but the other one...yak. I usually get to a place with term papers where I'm enthused and kind of excited by what I've written, but this second one just reads as...sophomoric and flat, and I'm just so upset about it, especially cause this is my first semester of grad school and I want to make a good impression. Blueeeeuurgh.

Judith Slutler

@Decca I feel you. I am writing 4 papers this semester and I just keep circulating from one to the other every time I get sick of one. It all feels a little mechanical.

dtowngirl

@Decca Ah, memories. You are being too hard on yourself. I always felt like I was churning out crap when writing my final papers, and I felt dumb, and Virginia Woolf would be turning in her grave knowing what I was writing about "Mrs Dalloway", and everybody else was writing a masterpiece while I was producing the equivalent of poop on toilet paper, etc. And then everything was fine, and my professors liked my papers. I am sure you are rocking it.

anachronistique

@Decca I am going to take the opposite tack from "you are probably doing fine," even though you probably are! There is always, always a learning curve, is the thing. From the rockstars to the people who barely qualified to get in? You can't at all tell who is going to do well in a graduate program. And everybody has some bumps along the way. If your professor agrees that your second paper could use some work, ask them for some specific feedback about why (if they don't give it to you) and use it! By being aware of your need to grow and improve, you are already miles ahead of the people who think their work is perfect and then have to deal with the world-shaking realization that it's not. You're gonna be fine.

Decca

@anachronistique This is especially good to hear, and, I think, very true. Thanks!

Tuna Surprise

Worst week ever. Broke my toe. Just came slinking back from the airport because I missed my flight! Then, as the kicker, (as I rambled about in the other thread), my ex-husband just wrote me a long confessional email about how he was sorry he treated me so bad.

So what should I do about the ex? We had a really bad divorce. It wasn't enough he left me, he went for the burned bridges/salt the earth/leave no feeling unhurt sorta split. But it has been a while and at this point I've mostly recovered. Should just tell him 'thanks for the apology' and stay far away or should I offer comfort? He was very opaque but he made it sound like something really bad has happened that made him reconsider his life choices.

Judith Slutler

@Tuna Surprise I'd stay away. Good for him as far as realizations and changing his life, but that doesn't entitle him to your comforting and soothing, you know?

noodge

@Tuna Surprise i would err on the side of caution re: the ex. the wounds can reopen surprisingly easily, and if he wants your help or needs to talk, he (in my opinion) should just go ahead and say so, not present himself pitifully and hope that you ask the questions he knows you want to ask.

roadtrips

@Tuna Surprise STAY FAR AWAY. Thank him, wish him the best, and give him the peace of mind that you have no hard feelings. But ask yourself, if something really bad has happened to him or he's in a really difficult place, do you want/need that in your life? I was recently contacted by my abusive ex and my first instinct was to take his e-mail's conciliatory tone as a sign that he'd changed, or that because he was being nice to me I should give him another chance. But then I realized that I didn't really care whether or not he'd changed, or whether or not he wanted another chance from me. There was absolutely no reason that talking to him again would make me feel better. So I guess I'd say, do you sincerely miss having this person in your life? Are there positive things he provided to you that you no longer get elsewhere? Is having a renewed relationship with him worth the risk that he hasn't changed? Ugh. I also totally get how hard it is to be taken totally off guard by a person/relationship that you thought you were healing from. Let yourself continue to heal, and best of luck to you.

frumious bandersnatch

@Tuna Surprise Gracefully accept the apology but keep it short and don't ask any questions. Basically shut it down and stay far away. I think it was selfish of him to write you in the first place and you owe him nothing/should take care of yourself first. But even beyond that, if you want to do what's best for him, if he's really committed to Big Realizations and Making His Life Better, you shouldn't provide him with a crutch. I imagine he has a long way to go and support systems are earned.

Tuna Surprise

@all

Thanks! I did a quick reply along the lines of 'i appreicate the apology. i'm doing well. sorry to hear things aren't great for you. take care of yourself.'

Woot! I'm the winner! (Actually, I do want to take a moment to gloat because he was uncessarily awful to me during the breakup and his karmic cummupance has arrived! Three cheers for karma!)

Best pun ever.

@Tuna Surprise Stay far, far away. The apology letter isn't even about you.

evil melis

IS THIS THE PART OF THE OPEN THREAD WHERE WE DISCUSS UNWANTED APOLOGY LETTERS WE HAVE RECENTLY RECEIVED FROM EXES OR IS IT SOMEWHERE ELSE PLEASE POINT ME IN THE APPROPRIATE DIRECTION

Faintly Macabre

@evil melis Greek Yogurt was wondering if you got his letter!

wee_ramekin

@evil melis THIS IS THE PART

wee_ramekin

@evil melis THIS IS STILL THE PART

paper bag princess

I am the one who wrote to Nicole a couple months ago about picking a book for my mom's book club! And THANK YOU to all of you beautiful pinners who gave so many suggestions. I wrote them down for my mom and she picked "The Housekeeper and the Professor." I wanted to report -- they had their meeting this past week and everybody looooved the book and my mom said they had a great discussion. So thank you everyone!! Book clubs forever!

redheaded&crazy

Verbatim from my coworkers this week:

"You're being too sensitive"
"cat fight!"
"eat more!"
"if only one person is uncomfortable it doesn't matter"
"well everybody else at the table thought you were the weird one, so there"

:D :D :D

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@redheaded&crazie
"if only one person is uncomfortable it doesn't matter"

Is this true? If so, I can delete about 5% of my "lose sleep over these things you wish you hadn't done years ago" list.

redheaded&crazy

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll oh yeah it's totally true, best way to cultivate a healthy work place is to dismiss somebody's concerns in the most callous, insensitive possible way. haven't you heard that before?!

tea sonata

@redheaded&crazie Ugh. People.

frenz.lo

@redheaded&crazie I had this recently, at work:
A: B, you look so skinny!
B: Oh, I was really sick last week with that flu. It was awful.
A: You've lost a bunch of a weight!
B: Yes, I was very sick with the flu.
A: You're so tiny!
B ...I was si--Thanks.

(I was neither A nor B. I was doing something in the same room, and just trying to stay out of it.)

frumious bandersnatch

@frenz.lo Wait was A the same person??

somuchsugar

Turning 42 this year, feeling so ugly... saw old photos of myself and I can't believe how ugly I look now. I don't know how to get over this self-consciousness.... (Husband of 12 years says I look fine but I can't get over how much better he looks than I do)

LeafySeaDragon

@somuchsugar did you see the simpsons yesterday? marge stops dying her hair and everyone freaks out and tells her how ugly and old she looks. at the end of the ep she dyes it blue again. it was soooo full of mixed messages.

raised amongst catalogs

@somuchsugar Aww, darlin'. This is going to sound so Pollyanna-esque but laugh! Find something that cracks you up and just let yourself laugh. Laughter is always beautiful. Always.

milominderbender

@somuchsugar When I get down on my aging self I think that in ten years I'm gonna look back at now and think about how hot I was/am today. I realize that it's a depressing philosophy (it's all downhill from here) but man, why didn't I enjoy my sexy self when I was 22? I'm not doing that again.

katiemcgillicuddy

@somuchsugar I bet you're not giving yourself nearly enough credit! Aging can be such a mindfuck, and like @milominderbender said, in 10 years you'll look back and think about how great you looked at 42. It's not the greatest advice, I know, but sometimes something as simple as a haircut can make you feel brand new. Or go to Sephora and have them make you up (I love that place so much, dear god)! Just do something nice for yourself (or, if you watch Parks and Rec, go on and "Treat yo self") Above all, be kind to yourself, I am sure you are all sorts of awesome.

cocokins

Just wondering: does anybody live in NH? And if so, do you do anything cool (esp. in the winter)? Or maybe I'm just bad at finding out where young, fun people go (well, I know they all go to Portsmouth. But isn't there anywhere else that's maybe, I don't know, closer to Manchester?). I'm not all about hitting up Drynk for a boozy dance-fest. I've lived in the 603 my whole life, except the four years I spent in VT at college. HAAAA. Maybe it's just time to move away.

lasso tabasco

I'm moving in with my best friend this weekend!!!! I can't wait to cook and watch trash tv and paint our toenails etc together!

Also: Super Hot Jerk. I banged him for the 4th time on Xmas and haven't heard from him since. But I am getting antsy for some NSA lovin'. TO TEXT OR NOT TO TEXT?

plumb-bob

'Not sure what to make of this one.'

I made a 'sad Keanu'.

Judith Slutler

@plumb-bob oh my

JanieS

@plumb-bob Whoa.

katiemcgillicuddy

@wee_ramekin I am literally pounding the desk and cracking up right now. Like, I cannot stop laughing. Thank you so much.

plumb-bob

I feel like he's questioning his choices in life which led him to end up in this strange, colourless, chair-strewn limbo.

wee_ramekin

@katiemcgillicuddy Heee! You are one of my favorite commenters, so I am glad I could give you a chuckle!

BattyRabbit

@plumb-bob I cannot find the words for this perfection.

katiemcgillicuddy

@wee_ramekin Oh my goodness, I'm flattered and can absolutely, positively say the same!:) Seriously, the Ron Burgundy thing has to be one of the best responses to anything I've ever seen on this site.

Haha and, I am not kidding, I was just at the grocery store and I was standing in the aisle trying to buy tortillas and was still laughing, audibly so, at the RB picture.

wee_ramekin

@katiemcgillicuddy *snerf* I think it really worked well because the three people before me all said some variation of "wow".

Also, I just recently learned about this Ron Burgandy meme.....aaaaaand now I kind of want to use it all the time, for everything.

lora.bee

@wee_ramekin

I mean, that really got out of hand fast.

katiemcgillicuddy

@lora.bee Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident.

lora.bee

@katiemcgillicuddy I'm proud of you fellas. You all kept your head on a swivel, and that's what what you gotta do when your caught in a vicious cock fight.

plumb-bob

@wee_ramekin 'Also, I just recently learned about this Ron Burgandy meme...' Heheh, I've only just posted my first ever sad Keanu and it's 2013. I might be borrowing that RB pic for future use too.

iceberg

I'mma just leave this here...
http://www.techdirt.com/articles/20130110/14542221635/ibm-researcher-feeds-watson-supercomputer-urban-dictionary-very-quickly-regrets-it.shtml

Daisy Razor

@iceberg I laughed so hard at the thought of that computerized voice saying "bullshit" that my husband asked me if I was okay.

SarcasticFringehead

@iceberg I mean, they wanted it to be realistic, right? I tell you what, a computer that doesn't swear is not realistic to my life in any way.

Miss Maszkerádi

@Daisy Razor I just heard the old "You've got mail!" voice cheerily intone "Bullshit! :-)" in my head and lo, how I cackle.

zamboni

I got really drunk at my favourite bar for the first time last night after months of calm 1-3 beersing it and don't remember a few chunks of things. Pretty embarrassing! I am a very polite drunk and know I avoided the hot co-owner out of paranoia, but still, going to be slinking in there rather meekly next time.

Jane Err

@zamboni Haha, I'm a polite drunk as well, but in a weird, old-timey, sarcastic way. One of my friends once told me that a guy bumped into me and I turned to him, did a flourish-y bow at him and said "A thouuusand pardons!".

Also, my boyfriend states that I have a tendency to over-apologize for absolutely nothing.

No shame! Own it, it's hilarious.

zamboni

@Jane Err "A THOUUUUUSAND PARDONS"??? !!! If I were wearing a hat, I would tip it to you!

Citizen Cunt

This week:

1) Has been super work busy which was unexpected which sort of blows but being productive feels good = +1
2) Plumbers have been traipsing in and out of my house all week and jackhammering up the floor. It's super stressful and I can't leave and my husband isn't doing shit to help out = -4
3) Plumber was supposed to be here at noon today to finish up, it is now 5 and he's not here = -1
4) Said plumbing work is free so we're saving like almost $5000 = +10
5) I'm scheduling a weekend by myself in this secluded cabin thing in the woods = +1
6) I think I might have this (avoid image searches, folks): http://women.webmd.com/tc/bartholin-gland-cyst-topic-overview = -5
7) I got a gyno appointment for 8am Monday without them fucking with me about that = +1
8) I hate my gyno = -1

So I'm still in the positives :)

somuchsugar

sorry just feeling really down today!

()
()

How do we feel about this week's Nashville episode?

I want some back story on Tandy. She is the flattest character so far. Why does she constantly play the middleman? What drives her?

And, of course, I want Rayna and Juliette to start fighting over Scarlett.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@() omg Scarlett being all brave and kickass! I was so proud of her.

aand wtf, Juliette? I love to hate her almost as much as I love Connie Britton's hair, which is the real star of this show.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

Holy Shit! I got caught up and had to literally run to the train just now, scarf and trench flailing out behind me, but I made it! $1 assessment for buying the ticket from the conductor? I guess I'll survive. Weekend in Indiana!

Verity

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll I am very glad I don't get charged more for buying my train ticket from the conductor; I end up doing it most of the time. (So much running for trains. I need to be more organised.)

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@Verity
Busily downloading all Hairpin articles from this week into my web browser so I'll have something to read on my laptop when my cheapo wireless service cuts out after Hegewisch!

meetapossum

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll Only $1 more?? Wtf, NJ Transit charges $5.

Verity

@meetapossum Wow. Thank you, Southern, for letting me buy tickets on the train for the same price as off them.

Jane Err

So when I was in 7th grade we had to write poems full of made up words a la The Jabberwocky, and read them in front of the class. For some reason, I thought that I'd made up the word dildo, and used it as a verb in my poem ("he dildoed on a piddlywink"), and everyone laughed pretty hard. I didn't get embarrassed about it until waaay later, and have been ever since.

So. . .that's just what I've been thinking about today.

raised amongst catalogs

@Jane Err Oh my god. Oh. Seventh grade is basically the worst time to have said "dildo" in front of the entire class, right?

katiemcgillicuddy

@Jane Err Aw, I'm so sorry that happened to you, I am also sorry that I laughing as hard as I am.

katiemcgillicuddy

@katiemcgillicuddy To be clear, I do not mean for that to be snarky at all, I just can't help but laugh at "dildoed on a piddlywink".

Jane Err

@katiemcgillicuddy Ha, no offense taken. It's solidly funny, while also being mildly cheek pinkening, even 13 years later.

Faintly Macabre

@Jane Err In sixth grade, I was a nerd and said something like, "Every Dick and Jane" in class, and kids giggled and the boy next to me said, "Do you knooow what that means?" But I did! I just was too nerdy to care.

Verity

This reminds me of when I was in Year 1 (so, five or six) and my class was having some sort of talent show. I decided to sing "2 Become 1" by the Spice Girls. Luckily, I only got about a line in before getting stage fright and bolting. THANK GOD. I did not know what it was about at that point!

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@Jane Err Oh no oh no oh no.....hahahahahahahaha
And I'll shoot you an email at some point!

frumious bandersnatch

@Jane Err We also had to write nonsense Jabberwocky poems in 7th grade! I wrote mine about the cute boy I liked/all the girls liked grinding (!!) with one of the 8th grade girls at the school dance and how that shocked everyone, but disguised all the words. My teacher looOOooVeEd it.

Decca

@Jane Err I once decided to make up a "scary story" to tell my friends when we were all about nine; it was going well until I started describing the witch's "horny hands". I guess I had a different working definition of horny than they had. :(

Regina Phalange

@Jane Err AWWWWW. (Also, wow, am I alone in being a little surprised that seventh graders knew that word? I still picture seventh grade as pigtails-in-inkwells time.)

255
255

Hi GUUUUYYYYYSSSS! Been gone awhile through an intense December. But I've missed you. I'm in Nevada for an audition and feeling high afterwards! Though everyone is sick and should be quarantined. What should I do tonight? I have no plans but I have some pretty big energy and want to do SOMETHING awesome with it.

Jane Err

@255 Go dancing! (If you have a place to do that near you.) That's what I like to do with big energy on a Friday!

mackymoo

What to do about a depressed/bummed out partner? Or maybe, how to tell if it is one or the other? My boyfriend is usually a pretty chipper guy, but has lately been brought down by job/career struggles. He's employed, but in a soul-sucking place to pay the bills, not in his dream career (which would probably take more school which he is afraid won't be worth it). He had a part time teaching job in the fall and now that it's over, he gets bummed out without the evenings full. He went to a volunteer orientation, but still came home disappointed from that. He considered therapy, but doesn't want to be dependent on someone like that? I just don't know how much to leave him alone, how much to try to talk to him about it, how much to turn on the Supportive Girlfriend knob, etc.

rimy

@mackymoo I'm curious to see people's responses to this, being in a similar situation myself re: frustrated boyfriend.

par_parenthese

@mackymoo Re: diagnosing depressed vs. bummed out, I wouldn't worry just yet, personally. It sounds situational and totally normal. If it starts to extend to more things besides just a general funk about ugh-life-is-so-not-how-I-wanted-it-to-be-right-now, then maybe ask some probing questions/ encourage him to chat with his doctor/ take one of those online assessments on his behalf to give you words to voice your concerns?

WRT leave alone vs. talk about it vs. be Supportive, when I'm feeling low, I find I typically need a balance of "Yes, you are not crazy, this situation is legitimately frustrating and it's totally reasonable that you'd feel this way, I believe you can get through this and find a workable long-term solution and I'll help you with that any way you want me to" + "Let's go see a movie and then talk about it at our favorite bar and then make out at red lights on the way home," i.e., a combination of productive conversation and distraction from the subject. Because the problem is real, but it's not everything, you know?

Good luck!

This is my new username

@mackymoo I would mention to him that going to therapy does not necessarily mean he will become dependent on therapy forever. Even a few sessions may help him get some coping techniques/ ideas of how to deal with those feelings.

Faintly Macabre

I signed up for the Sketchbook Project (order sketchbook, mail to Brooklyn, it goes on a tour and then in a library) and I am SO FAR BEHIND. I have to mail it by Tuesday, and I've done maybe six pages.

WHAT SHOULD I DRAW? Maybe I can have a page called "Ideas from the Internet"?

Jane Err

@Faintly Macabre What a cool thing! Hmm, you should draw a whale holding an umbrella. Yep.

frigwiggin

@Faintly Macabre Do a food journal! Draw characters from books or shows you like! Draw clothing you've seen people wear!

dale

@Faintly Macabre Ohhhhh, we are so in the same boat. I have, like, 20 more pages to draw this weekend to catch up. Um, I started drawing things in my immediate vicinity, like my view out the train window, or my hand. One of the pages I filled with varying sizes of spirals, like a page of doodles.

gobblegirl

@Faintly Macabre Please draw all the things in my Canadian Truths and Lies list from earlier today. http://thehairpin.com/2013/01/a-conversation-about-books-and-money#comment-452879

Danzig!

@Faintly Macabre I'm in the same boat! Completely behind, gonna draw some shapes and paste in more interviews. Thor Harris! Torquil Campbell! The mighty melis! So many things to do.

Homestar Runner

Atlanta 'pinners! There's a meetup tomorrow at 5pm at Cypress Bar (corner of 6th and Cypress in Midtown.) Hopefully it will stop raining so we can hang out on the patio by the fire pit. I'll tell the bartender about our group so they can help lost people find us. I'll be wearing a brown-and-white dress and knee-high boots. WHOOOOOO MEETUP!

Cypressbar.com

professionalmess

Does anyone have a recommendation for foundation? I've been using Bare Minerals, but I feel like it doesn't stay on my face for the whole day (even with primer-is that what primer is for?). Further details:
-I'm a 25 y/o white lady.
-My main foundation/skin concerns are that my cheeks are red, in a non-blushing beauty way and occasionally I get some pimples, but mainly under my bangs, so that's not so bad.
-I don't want to feel like I'm "made up" or have on a lot of heavy makeup,just like I have naturally beautiful flawless skin.
-I tried a sample of a BB cream (Covergirl, maybe?) cause everyone was all about BB creams, and I liked the way it felt and made my skin feel, but I still felt like it disappeared from my face by like 3pm.

somuchsugar

@professionalmess I use Coty "airspun" powder... it's a loose powder that works great! (I use the 'transparent extra coverage' color)

katiemcgillicuddy

@professionalmess Smashbox, Smashbox, Smashbox. I use the primer, which is fantastic, helps keep the makeup in place pretty well, and kind of evens out your skin, and then the powder foundation stuff most days. I love it. They have a great lid primer as well, I use it even when I'm not wearing shadow just cause it gets rid of that shininess. I just mentioned Sephora upthread, because it's awesome, but why not head in there, try out Smashbox, and maybe some others. Get some samples, ask some questions (and I'm with you on the red-in-a-non-blushing-way stupid cheeks, and it does a great job with that).

gobblegirl

@professionalmess I wear a Maybelline BB cream (cheap to try out, evens out my skin tone without looking makeuppy, moisturizes). It doesn't cover much, however - but if you're just worried about redness and pore visibility (my main issues) I enjoy it a lot. And it doesn't feel greasy. Maybe add powder?

crango

@professionalmess You may be using a primer that doesn't suit your skintype! I have combo/oily skin and find that my makeup doesn't last well with Sephora primers,and that silicone based primers like Benefit's POREfessional last longer but pill on my dry spots. The best primer I've ever used was Clarin's Instant Smooth because it lasted ages and didn't clog my pores. Buuut it's $30.

I use this BB cream: http://web1.sasa.com/SasaWeb/eng/product/viewProductDetail.jspa?itemno=103495503001
Asian BB creams are really dense compared to their stateside counterparts, but I find if I put on a thin layer, it looks really natural. I haven't tried either of these, but I hear Sleek Makeup's BB cream is really great as well, and Chanel's Vitalumiere Aqua gives natural coverage

barefoot cuntessa

@professionalmess I really like Josie Maran. I have oily and sensitive skin with acne scars. I like the foundation and the tinted moisturizer, but I use the tinted moisturizer because of the SPF. It is oddly thicker than the foundation and I find I can use less. I use the JM pressed powder to set the foundation, and it doesn't dry me out while still keeping everything nicely matte.

crango

@professionalmess OH, you may want to use a setting powder or spray after you finish your makeup to help with the longevity

LeafySeaDragon

@professionalmess i've been trying all sorts of foundations/powder combonations this last year and currently i'm super into covergirl clean sensitive skin with the matching powder over it. i also really love using physican's formula correcting powder (i'm pale with red spots also) when i'm not wearing anything else. just lotion and then a quick powder. it does NOT work over foundation though! it's too yellow/green

but aside from brand, it varies how you put it on. bb creams seem to work better with my fingers. the urban decay liquid like the brush. the covergirl seems to work best with a sponge. (makeup songes? WOW)

odd number

Kiwis! New Zealand travelers! Any advice on not-to-miss places on the South Island? Say, if you had 6 days? And were not a hard-core hiker?

Theda Baranowski

Attention Chicago 'Pinners: Is there...a meetup anytime soon? I know the book club is meeting this weekend, but as I have not read County (and also need to start the Parental Visit cleaning in preparation for next week) I am probably not going to make it.

Signed,
New Person in City Needs Social Life With Awesome People.

Springtime for Voldemort

@Theda Baranowski You can check the Google Pinup group: https://groups.google.com/forum/?fromgroups#!forum/hairpin_pinups

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@Theda Baranowski
I missed book club on Sunday, so perhaps someone planned something there? Anyone who was there know? If not, let's plan something!

rockandrollkendoll at gmail!

spex

@Theda Baranowski We tentatively discussed meeting monthly to talk books, but nothing else was planned. (We haven't even picked the next book yet--so interested Chicago 'Pinners should head over to the Google group and chime in.)

somuchsugar

Traveling soon and need book recommendations!! I favor fiction, hopefully by women writers but any suggestions would be great!

wee_ramekin

@somuchsugar I'm loving White Teeth by Zadie Smith. If you've read that, some similar books are Dreaming in Cuban by Christina Garcia and So Far From God by Ana Castillo.

Also, Daughter of the Forest by Juliet Marillier is great! It's historical fiction/romance/fairy tale, and if you like it, she's got a whole slew of other books to get into!

I also really liked The Passion by Jeanette Winterson.

Lucienne

@somuchsugar Cold Comfort Farm, by Stella Gibbons.

vunder

@somuchsugar I liked The Tiger's Wife by Tea Obrecht.

Jane Err

@somuchsugar If you're into mystery or historical fiction at all, I've been digging the Mary Russell novels by Laurie R. King. They'd be fun vacation reading! Link to the first of the series on Goodreads.

vunder

@somuchsugar Other fiction by ladies that I have liked: anything by Marilynne Robinson, pretty much anything by Edith Wharton (especially House of Mirth), everything I have read by Alice Munro.

Where are you traveling to?

somuchsugar

@vunder OH I loved "Housekeeping"! I will check on more books by her. I am visiting an old friend in South Carolina (I live in SF!)

crango

@somuchsugar I am reading Mr. Fox by Helen Oyeymi and it is seriously one of the best things I have read all year

iknowright

@somuchsugar I'm only a chapter into The Haunting of Hill House by (the always amazing) Shirley Jackson, but I'm really into it already, especially one of the female characters who keeps surprising herself with her bravery and surprising me with how similarly we think. And it's short, so might be a good travel book (not too heavy).

honey cowl

@somuchsugar Oh my GODDD I am reading "The Hour I First Believed" by Wally Lamb and it is a must read you must read it YOU MUST.

teaandcakeordeath

This is a long shot but would anyone be able to recommend a web hosting website building thingamajig service for building a website that can support lots of photo galleries? Or be able to explain the gist of putting a website together?
Bearing in mind you're speaking to the sort of dunce that's only just learnt what a domain name is?
Suggestions rewarded by happy emoticons.

Jane Err

@teaandcakeordeath Hmm, Wordpress is pretty user-friendly, and there are lots of free templates you can start with. Many of them favor photo-based blogs. It is a blog platform, but could work for what you need, maybe?

gobblegirl

@teaandcakeordeath I have heard good things about Squarespace. I don't know what it costs, but I think there's a free trial. Drag and drop everything.

crango

@teaandcakeordeath Virb's really easy to use (I too am a dunce with these things) and I think they have unlimited storage. Cargo collective is great too!

teaandcakeordeath

@all
Thanks for the recommendations! :-D

vunder

I discovered the New Yorker Fiction podcast this week. I share with the pintariat because because I believe some of you will enjoy it too (also easily found on itunes).

http://www.newyorker.com/online/podcasts/fiction?currentPage=all

ohyeahmetoo

@vunder thanks for this!

OwlOfDerision

i'm stuck there's a cat sitting on me send help

Decca

@OwlOfDerision i'm sending more cats, will that help

OwlOfDerision

@Decca will they distract the first cat or just sit on me as well?

Decca

@OwlOfDerision Only time will tell.

Decca

@OwlOfDerision Miaow. :)

milominderbender

I'm mostly a comment-responder and not often an instigator but I just gotta let you all know that my life is happening RIGHT NOW. I am choosing between new jobs and getting ready to quit my pretentious (but painfully lucrative) law firm job. I'm about to buy a sweet 1978 ford truck (send your vibes for a good test drive tomorrow) and then sell my douchey lawyer car. I'm hanging with an awesome new man on the regular.

I was so depressed six months ago so I decided to shake things up. And then I did. If you're thinking about it - do it!

baked bean

@milominderbender Dude, ladies in trucks WIN. My mom drove a truck the whole time we were kids. Bonus points for old truck.

barefoot cuntessa

So, I just got a little promotion at my catering job! I'm a cook, but just got asked to head up the social media side of the biz PLUS I'm going to get taught the ropes of some of the other business stuff. I'm super stoked! The awful thing about being a catering cook, is that unless you're doing business side stuff there is zero work in the winter. If I do more and more of this stuff, I can ask for more money and hopefully quit my retail job. It was so much fun going to a business lunch and being all fancy! Also, I love my boss. She is seriously the shit.

LacunaKale

Two my body is gross things.
1-I'm almost relived that my barfiness from earlier this week appears to be due to a virus. As the other option was it being due to booze and gluttony. Chubby girl wins! Kind of. Or not.
2-While I am still scared of escalators, centipedes (seriously, nothing needs that many legs), and crowds, I can now say with authority that I'm not clausterphobic. As I had a MRI this evening and nearly fell asleep in the machine. WoooHoo! Less crazy then expected!

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

My social life is weird.

But my work life is getting better! I went from wanting to quit to saying "fuck it, I still love my coworkers and I don't have another job lined up" and just deciding to remind myself why I love my coworkers and baking cupcakes and stuff.

I almost single-handedly pulled myself out of a funk. I'm pretty happy about that.

par_parenthese

@Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that) YAY CONGRATS. That's an awesome feeling.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@par_parenthese However, I should probably add that over the weekend I just happened to come across a job that would be amazing for me, and I think I would be amazing at it, and I can't help but laugh because this is just my luck. Things always happen for me after I've already found another plan.

I'm going to apply for it anyway, just so that I can say I did. (I'm not expecting a call back, but you never know.)

baked bean

GUYS: whenever I visit my parents and my mom cooks I eat WAY TOO MUCH GRAVY and get a tummyache. I just get so damn excited about gravyfood since it's not really something I ever eat. It's not that she makes gravy that much... I think she just knows I like it so she makes something with it when I come home. Anyway, FOOD THAT HAS GRAVY. I LOVE IT EVEN THOUGH IT HURTS ME.

I also think it's curious that gravy is something my grandparents ate every meal of their life practically, but it's not really a thing anymore for people our age to cook. Old timey food. Yum.

par_parenthese

@baked bean Oh my goodness gravy. In my experience, almost nothing gets a table-full of 20 and 30-somethings excited faster than knowing their meal has homemade gravy with it.

baked bean

@par_parenthese Yeah I went to my grandma's house a while back and helped her fix "minute steaks" (cube steaks with flour pounded in them, pan-fried with some fat) and gravy. Anyway, I watched her because I thought "hey maybe I'll make this at home." And then I did make it at home along with something else that week with gravy, since it was a new and novel skill. Then I was like "bleeegghhh I don't feel good."
Anyway, homemade gravy isn't too hard to make... I've made it once since then, at my other grandma's house when I made a pork roast and then made gravy from the drippings by simply adding flour and stirring. She thought I was a MASTER cook. Idk why since she knows how to make gravy too. I suppose it's just proud grandmothers always being proud.

baked bean

@baked bean Hmm, now that I recall, last time I ate biscuits and gravy (all time favorite food pretty much, but never make it myself) I was also feeling sick.... nooooo gravy why do you kill meee..... I love you so much....

par_parenthese

@baked bean I think gravy-containing meals should be eaten at lunch, not breakfast or dinner. Too rich for the former (=upset stomach), too heavy for the latter (=indigestion). So, on a Saturday: light breakfast (smoothie, perhaps?), lunch of biscuits and gravy, light dinner. Crisis averted.

Yes? YES.

honey cowl

@baked bean It is definitely a thing people our age cook (how old are you? I don't know. Are you my age? Probably). My Midwestern Boyfriend makes biscuits & gravy nearly every weekend. YOU CAN DO THIS TOO.

baked bean

@honey cowl Hmm... idk. I'm in the Midwest too. I guess I just don't see recipes all over food blogs celebrating down-home gravy-type foods, and I've never seen my (post-college or college-age) friends make gravy.

honey cowl

@baked bean You can take the 20-somethings out of the midwest, but you can't take the midwest out of the 20-somethings! Do you want BF's gravy recipe? I think it is from his Grandma, not a food blog, sooooo....

baked bean

@honey cowl I pretty much have the idea... fry the sausage, add flour and milk to the grease... GRAVY. Maybe this is why it's not on the food blogs? Do people have recipes for gravy? I've never seen one! Anyway, if I eat too much gravy I don't feel good, so it has to be a special occasion thing.

KeLynn

@baked bean - I've never really heard of any more complicated "recipe" than that for gravy, except adding salt and pepper?

4and20blkbirds

Now that I FINALLY found out my grades for fall semester, I feel like it's official - I'm finished with college! Got me a shiny new B.A. in History. Now I just have to find a job...

Briar

@4and20blkbirds Oh, same for me but with English. Hope you find a job quickly, what're you looking to do?

4and20blkbirds

@Briar Congrats! I want to work in museums, in collections management. I'm applying to some museum studies programs but ideally I'll find a museum job right away anyway. How about you?

laurel

It's 4F at 9am. D:

Danzig!

HEY GUYS what a week for me :) I love y'all. I feel like a dweeb getting here so late but there has been SO MUCH TO DO now that I'm moving in to my place in Denver. And my energy has been taken up by this really heavy thing. Trigger warning(s)! My friend is in big trouble.

I'm friends with a girl here and we're getting p. close. She is in an abusive relationship (she's roomies with his best bud and when he comes around... it's bad, guys, it's very very bad) and I want to be as good of an advocate as I can be for her but I think I might be her only support here and I don't know what to do. I don't know how hard I should push! I don't know what if anything I should do without her explicit permission / participation! I can probably rely on my campus' Women's Center even though she is not a student, and I sure as fuck am not going to call the cops without her say-so (this is the same sort of situation that just got thrown out by the courts in CA). She is being assaulted, but I think she is terrified of facing that reality because she feels ashamed of it, which I understand, but she is still in danger and I feel like I might have to just lay it all out on the table and just ignore her feelings.

The thing is, she's involved in this artist community and her abuser is like the alpha dog of it, so if I push her to move, or rebuke him severely, she is afraid she will either not be able to participate in the things she loves anymore, or feel responsible for the probably dissolution of the collective (which I fucking welcome, obviously). I've told her that we can look for a new place for her to live, do other things, etc but she is scared. She believes she is standing up to him, giving him ultimatums, but he has ignored them. I tell her he won't stop but she swears that he will. She wants to be friends with him. I want to get her away from him. I want to SAVE her but I know that I can't. I have offered my apartment on a permanent basis if it comes to that.

She asked me to come hang out last night, but on the condition that I act as though nothing's wrong when I meet the guy, and I told her that I would not. My heart hurts for this woman. I want her to accept the inevitable losses that will come from securing safety. I feel like, even though we're already very close and as far as I know the only person in our area who she confides in (since I'm not friends with him), I might have to lay our friendship on the line in order to coax her from her paralysis. I am beside myself. My friends tell me that I shouldn't make this my problem but she has no one.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@Danzig! You are 100% completely right in wanting to try to put a stop to this. I'd definitely say that you should try and get some help from the women's center if you can. This situation sounds scary.

One thing I'm curious about: Does anyone else in their artist community know that he is like this? And, more specifically, that he's mistreating her at all? Because if they don't know, then I feel as though they should. (I wouldn't know how to approach that, though.) And if they do know and no one else is helping her, then she needs to get out of there and someone should definitely call the cops.

laurel

@Danzig! I think you're doing everything right. The positions you've taken are consistent with this checklist for friends of abused people from the National Domestic Violence Hotline, so keep doing what you're doing. The only thing I might add is to explicitly tell her to disengage asap during an abusive episode--like, just walk out the door if it's safe to do so--and that she can come to your place night or day.

It's so hard to be a good friend in this situation. You can't make her leave him. All you can do is maintain that as complicated as the situation feels to her, abuse is always wrong.

Hey, I thought of you over the holidays when I went to buy my beautiful new guitar. The seller had a bunch of Misfits paraphernalia and we chatted happily about the intersection of punk and metal while I tried out the guitar.

adorable-eggplant

@Danzig! That's a tough situation. Here's a resource: http://www.thehotline.org/get-educated/how-can-i-help-a-friend-or-family-member-who-is-being-abused/

Your friends are right that you shouldn't make this your problem. You should also stay away from ultimatums or making conditions for friendships (because this is something people in abusive relationships are facing constantly-- the message that they must behave in a certain way to maintain a relationship, be worthy of affection, etc.

Pass along the hotline number to her. Ask her if she's working on a safety plan, but drop it if she says no. Be really non-judgmental. Really. Exciting an abusive relationship is often the most dangerous part (because violence often escalates quickly as a result of the attempt to leave), so it's up to her to judge how and when is the best time to make that happen.

You can't save her. She can (hopefully) save herself.

And if you do witness an incident please do call the cops and file a report. That can help for obtaining a restraining order down the line.

Danzig!

@Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that) As far as I'm aware she is keeping this a secret :( I tell her that if she really wants to stay in her living situation then she has to tell her roommate what's going on, since the roommate is inviting the guy over and is responsible for what his friend does in his house (this is assuming he doesn't already know, which fills me with such rage). I think there will probably be some people who rally to her defense but probably more than a few who will be doubtful or even accusatory, and I hesitate to subject her to that, because I know deeply it stings.

Danzig!

@adorable-eggplant @laurel Thanks all, this is good advice. I felt like giving an ultimatum but that is very "savior"-y behavior. What's important is that she feels that she can rely on me, and that she will when she can.

@laurel oooh what type of guitar is it? I used to play bass but no longer :( I have to say I am much more about metal than I am about punk, tbh. I think the real Danzig is much the same.

laurel

@Danzig! "What's important is that she feels that she can rely on me, and that she will when she can."

That's exactly right.

It's one of these. I agree about Danzig, and while I'm much more about punk than metal, I appreciate how he straddles worlds.

Danzig!

@adorable-eggplant Apparently she is being drugged and assaulted, and what's more she indicated that she might know that this is a thing that is happening systemically within her circle, with other women, which is making me fucking hysterical. I want to commit violence

adorable-eggplant

@Danzig! Call the hotline yourself and see if there's any advice from them about what to do. Talk to your therapist about this, if you're seeing one at the moment.

It can be really hard to be a friend to someone in crisis like this. It's also totally acceptable for you to say, not as an ultimatum, but if it's affecting your own mental health: "I support you and will always be there for you, if you need to crash at my place while finding a safer living arrangement, that's always an option, although women's shelters have the advantage of counseling and helping you get on assistance (if she's financially dependent on this guy), but I cannot {whatever is your limit, e.g. listen to you defend him, argue about this, interact with him in social settings (good for you for putting your foot down there, btw)}"

Don't feel obligated to stay and fix this. It's horrific, and you are understandably horrified, so remember to keep an eye on your own wellbeing.

Judith Slutler

@Danzig! Listen to adorable-eggplant. Call in some professional help for yourself on this. It sounds absolutely awful and you need to set your own limits to make sure you don't get overly enmeshed in what's going on. If there is an entire circle of people doing this stuff, you have no obligation to be anywhere near them.

laurel

@Danzig! Seconding @a-e and @EC re protecting your own mental health as you deal with this situation. Your description of drugging and assault gave me chills. Perhaps as you state your own boundaries to your friend the intolerable nature of the situation might sink in for her.

Danzig!

@all y'all are right :( I'll update you as things develop

Mad as a Hatter!

I know this is late but I'm desperate for fashion help! My boyfriend works for a telecom company in finance, and his holiday party is in a couple weeks. This will be my first time meeting his boss and I'd like to a make a good impression. He said the it's supposed to be "casual" but even he admitted that he didn't know what that meant. I guess I'm looking for help in finding a nice, "casual" dress to wear that is appropriate for winter in Midwest US. Oh it's times like this that I wish I had a fairy godmother!

Judith Slutler

@Mad as a Hatter! Does it have to be a dress? My boyfriend's holiday work dinner was exactly like that and I went for a silk shell / cardigan / highwaisted skirt / tights / boots combo, just because I feel like casual dresses are such a minefield right now! They tend to be pretty short and made of flimsy materials, and that would've just stressed me out.

Otherwise, if I were you, I'd look for something in a neutral color (grey, black, navy) and maybe pair it with a fun statement necklace, slouchy cardi and flat boots to dress it down to "casual" a little.

Dark skinny jeans and a nice blouse,maybe with an o-neck sweater over, would probably also be an option! Don't feel like you have to freeze your tits off in order to look nice.

.abbey

@Mad as a Hatter! dresses! my favourite topic... i think a neutral coloured wool dress with a statement necklace (a statement necklace is such a good investment i think) , or a patterned wrap dress (like this maybe? http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/product/clothes-dresses/26848077.jsp), tights and boots (maybe with a bit of a heel) is the way forward here.

crango

@Mad as a Hatter! Sweater dress! The best part about winter, IMHO. Something like this: http://www.thelimited.com/Body-Conscious-Sweater-Dress/3313698,default,pd.html?dwvar_3313698_colorCode=150&start=9&ppid=c9&cgid=casual-dresses

The pricetag on that's kind of crazy; I saw a lot of similar dresses at Kohls and Target for a lot less. Pair it with tights and boots, you're good to go!

Decca

So....Julie Burchill's "article" in the Observer today? It's literally the most hate-filled piece of journalism I have ever read in my entire life. Vile.

katiethegreat

@Decca My word it is awful. But the kinda-good thing about it is how united everybody is in their disapprobation of it?

Lucienne

@Decca What the fuck.

wee_ramekin

@Decca Wha...I...what the...I...JESUS H CHRIST. I cannot believe that was published!!!!!! What the ever-loving fuck?

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