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“He said you were cute as hell but dumb as a bag of hammers.”

Getting lost while ferrying John Waters is the sixth most common nightmare in America:

Here are some things that don’t help you figure out where you are in Los Angeles:

• Asking John Waters about his episode of The Simpsons
• Squeezing the steering wheel tighter
• Telling John Waters how often you and your brother used to watch Cry-Baby
• Randomly and frequently turning left

Road closures. Waters kept shifting in his seat. Itchiness exploded across my back. Dead ends. Waters’ long face sank into a scowl. Sweat lurched from my armpits. One-way streets and constructions zones. We entered some nexus of L.A. where every street was unmarked and only two blocks long.

And, oddly enough, the eleventh most common nightmare in the Siberian taiga.


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