Wednesday, January 30, 2013


"He said you were cute as hell but dumb as a bag of hammers.”

Getting lost while ferrying John Waters is the sixth most common nightmare in America:

Here are some things that don’t help you figure out where you are in Los Angeles:

• Asking John Waters about his episode of The Simpsons
• Squeezing the steering wheel tighter
• Telling John Waters how often you and your brother used to watch Cry-Baby
• Randomly and frequently turning left

Road closures. Waters kept shifting in his seat. Itchiness exploded across my back. Dead ends. Waters’ long face sank into a scowl. Sweat lurched from my armpits. One-way streets and constructions zones. We entered some nexus of L.A. where every street was unmarked and only two blocks long.

And, oddly enough, the eleventh most common nightmare in the Siberian taiga.

8 Comments / Post A Comment

Lisa Frank

Nightmare? This sounds like my dream!


simply amazing@y


So good on so many levels. I'm seeing John Waters on Friday, and now I'm even more excited!


@piekin Aah. I'm envious. I saw him at Bonnaroo a couple of years ago. It was easily one of the highlights of the whole weekend.

Valley Girl

If John Waters said that about me they'd be carving it on my TOMBSTONE.

The Nerdy Nutritionist

I loved every part of this!! Baltimore is the best. We have John Waters, Cal Ripken, and The Wire. WINNING!!


I really liked Excision, and this story only makes it better.

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