Wednesday, January 30, 2013


Cosmo's "Hottest Texts to Send a Guy," Edited

"Fire off one of these very naughty 160-or-fewer-characters messages and your man will drop whatever he's doing to come see you."

At work having very NSFW thoughts about throwing you down on my desk ...

At my physical therapy appt having very NSFPT thoughts about throwing you down! I wish you were injured, too. I feel like you've been distant since the accident. 


See if you can decipher this abbreviation: OMG IWUIM

See if you can decipher this abbreviation: OMG IWUIM


No guesses? ;)

It means Oh My God I Want Uterine Infection Meds 



Practicing yoga poses ... totally naked. Wanna see how flexible I am?

Practicing yoga poses ... totally naked. LOL!!! In a classroom with LOTS of men!


Just went to the bathroom at the [bar/party/restaurant] and took off my underwear. One less thing for you to remove tonight ...

Just went to the bathroom at the [bar/party/restaurant] and took off my underwear. I splashed the area with toilet water to make it nice and clean for you!!! Oh god I am soooooo drunk!!!! Can u come in heer and help me find the door :)))


Using one hand to write this text and press the send button. Using the other hand to press MY button ...

Using 1 hand to rite this txt (sorry 4 typos!!) & press the Send butten. Using the other ahnd to presh MY butt...


Previously: "We Built This City, We Built This City on Rock and Wheat"

Lauren Bans is an editor at GQ.

73 Comments / Post A Comment

Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood

"how many badges have you gotten in pokemon black 2 so far?"

A. Louise

@Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood "This text is highly effective!"


So cute, my heart will explode @y


Can Mr Kielbasa come visit Miss Orchid tonight? LOL Mr. Kielbasa is a PENIS.


@LacunaKale Hilarious anecdote: I dated someone with the last name Kielbasa.


@meetapossum was he a Tenacious D fan? if not, that seems like such a waste.


"using the other hand to get work done, big project due today and Robert says no more extensions, going to be home v. late"


@Rock and Roll Ken Doll Oh, I have an "extension" for you!


"See if you can decipher this abbreviation: asdfkoaebnovpaieb;r"


@Rock and Roll Ken Doll Using my other hand to click my mouse. No seriously, this power point presentation isn't going to finish itself.

Dirty Hands

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll
Yo has anybody read the part in Anna Karenina where people speak with abbreviations and it is SO CUTE? (I don't know if it's in the movie because I haven't had a chance to see it yet.)


@Dirty Hands That part is my FAVORITE. My very most favorite ever.

Holden Cauliflower

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll
I loved that! Too bad such cuteness was wasted on Levin, douchebag Nice Guy author insert of UGH.


@Rock and Roll Ken Doll That part _is_ in the movie, it is SO cute.

Judith Slutler

"Just went to the bathroom and took off my Spanx. It's like a whole new level of 'lovely lady lumps' just for you, LOL ;)"


I'm just going to leave this here.

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

"I've got an itch I need you to scratch! Because I can't bend over far enough to look and see if it's a rash! LOL OMG BBQ"

Dirty Hands

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose This is the comment that made me laugh in an unseemly manner in public.

Judith Slutler

WAIT WHAT is this disclaimer under the cosmo article:

The models photographed in Cosmo are used for illustrative purposes only; Cosmopolitan does not suggest that the models actually engage in the conduct discussed in the stories they illustrate.

e: Also the comments are GOLD:

Lady: "these text messages are corny I think just sending a guy a text saying "hey DTF" should be good enough for them."

Dude: "whats dtf???"

Dude: "lol never mind got it!!!!"


@Emmanuelle Cunt oh my god I thought the Dude parts of that conversation were made up but it's actually what someone said! Which makes this A+++++.


@Emmanuelle Cunt - ahahahaha I want to know the story behind that disclaimer.


@Emmanuelle Cunt I met two of the male models once. They told me that those photo shoots are a strange combination of sexy, awkward, and funny.


See if you can decipher this abbreviation: SIGTEMPOIGTCYFT



@frigwiggin You win the internet today.

alex hart

@frigwiggin +1000


Because multi-tasking while pressing your "button" tends to work so well...

Judith Slutler

@HeyThatsMyBike "I'm really ineffective at masturbating... OMG LOL!"

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@Emmanuelle Cunt I legit can't stop laughing at this.


At work (lol jk mopping) thinking abt you drinking beer at football game & refusing to do any laundry cooking or cleaning. It's making me so (1/2)


nvm, was just spilled mop water. (2/2)

Judith Slutler

@leon s im not wearing undies today... bc u forgot to do the laundry again...


@leon s Feeling the need to clarify that this actually inspired me to laugh, out loud, not figuratively.

Faintly Macabre

@Emmanuelle Cunt LOL my underwear has a huge hole in it, LOL it'll make your job easier when I come home!


Just went to the bathroom at work and removed my underwear. Whoops, that wasn't the bathroom it was my boss' office! Coming home early today ;)


Just got out of the shower. The drain is clogged with hair now. Why don't you come over and help me get it unclogged I don't want to get dirty again?


I am TERRIBLE at text/chat flirting, so several times early in my current relationship he'd ask what I was up to and I'd say "I just did yoga," or something, because that was actually true, and he'd try to push it to a flirty sexy place and I'd miss the point. EVERY TIME. "Getting all nice and flexible?" "Well, yeah actually I'm really starting to get somewhere with my hamstrings, although I need to find a better stretch for my hips." "So I bet you're all warmed up now." "Nah, it's kind of cold in here. It's okay, I've got a sweatshirt on."

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@bitchycrosstownexpress Amazing.


@bitchycrosstownexpress Haha this just made him love you more, I am sure. I had a dude telling me his fantasy one time and I was like *interrupts* "but I don't HAVE white underwear"


@iceberg Haha, I am exactly the same way.


@bitchycrosstownexpress - This. I don't understand how flirting works, *especially* over text/IM because how do you KNOWWWW for sure someone is flirting if you can't see their body language/hear their voice?


@iceberg Yeah, he thinks it's hilarious. @KeLynn I am getting better because I know him well enough now I can tell his tone usually (and he tries to remember to give me better signals, like lots of winky emoticons), but yes, it's really hard, especially if you are not great at flirting to begin with (which I am not).


@Ellie same, & I am also the person who, during some kind of daydreamy fantasy, will get caught up on some stupid detail like "but wait, doesn't that train stop running at 1am?" or whatever. because obviously the alternate universe in which I'm a sexy single ingenue with a rich & tawdry love life, the quotidian details of my present reality surely still apply.

Hamburger Hot Dog

@bitchycrosstownexpress I am also not so good at the sauciness. Years ago, I got a call from someone asking what I was wearing. I thought it was the guy I was seeing at the time, so I said "dancing shoes." Then he asked what else I was wearing, and I said "I'm wearing dancing shoes! What else do I need?" Then I realized it was not the guy I was seeing at all but, rather, a random perv. I was equal parts pissed off at the fact that he called and by the fact that he thought I needed something in addition to dancing shoes.


@nonvolleyball MY PEOPLE.


@bitchycrosstownexpress I have actually had a dude tell me, gently, to stop talking because I was ruining his mojo (him: *sexy talk* me: Oh, is your roommate watching Community? I love that show.)


I am awful and flirting/sexting and the only time I dated a flirter/sexter he displayed Dickensian level of desecription so once when he was on a trip to Edinburgh he sexted to me 'i want to make out with you in one of the passageways off this cobbled street running down from the castle' and I got excited and replied 'oooh! ive been to that street! Theres a great hot chocolate place at the bottom!'.
It didn't work out.


@bitchycrosstownexpress I hate that I'm late to the post on this one, but I have to say this is hilarious/endearing as hell and I cannot stop laughing.


The Cosmo Woman really need only date the Maxim Man and everyone else's problems would be solved, forever.


I have to get out of here, I'm gonna lose it with laughter.


Hey baby...wearing nothing but a tiny little piece of bacon ;)

sarah girl

@area@twitter This is killing me for some reason


@area@twitter I totally just read that as though you were addressing a baby who was wearing a tiny piece of bacon.


@Sarah H. The original joke had a can of refried beans in it.

ayo nicole

@area@twitter I snorted.


@area@twitter & now I'm picturing a hilariously ill-advised Varsity Blues-type situation.


@nonvolleyball "Will somebody please remove this banana from my butt?"


the only sext I have ever sent the BF is when I told him I couldn't wait for him to come home from 80's night so we could have drunk sex... then I fell asleep and didn't carry through on my promise, haha, oops


@Nutmeg: At least you could get out of that one later. "No, honey, that text was a warning-- I literally couldn't wait for you to get home."

rianne marie

I want to start sending these to the significant other. Just one at a time, spaced out through the day. I predict 2 at the most before he realizes that these are not just spontaneous outbursts of oddly phrased lust.


The only time I ever tried to sext was when I was out at a bachelorette party and decided to send one to my husband. The night is a little fuzzy for some reason (cheap sparkling wine, lots of it), so I don't remember exactly what I wanted to say, but what came out was: "prqzy7&3jk ytopxe8!!! :)))P): Wanna?"

Then I got home, tripped and fell walking in the front door, threw my shoe at the wall because it was the shoe's fault I fell, and passed out, fully clothed (minus a shoe), horizontally across the bed.



@Bebe I passed out horizontally across the bed after my OWN bachelorette party--so you were carrying on (or initiating) a proud tradition.

(even better, it was this super-high bed that belonged to the people we were housesitting for, & I'm only 5'2"--& thus it was really just my upper torso on the bed, with my legs/feet hanging down across the side.)


*Sends picture of inner thigh*

is that yr suggestion 4 paint color 4 living rm? gross try pantone 18-4043 (:


These are cracking. I do a fair old bit of sexting as the boy lives 300 miles away, and I always do it while laughing hysterically. I am assuming he's doing the same, but I don't like to ask. Sex should be funny!

Dr. Everything'll-Be-Alright

I really hate to spoil everyone's day, but this reminded me of some dumb thing I saw on sex/dating website a while back: a list of sexy phrases to try out while engaging in naked bedtop wrestling with one's manfriend. One of them was "I want your big baby maker deep inside me!!!" (Exclamation points preserved.) Take a shot if reading that made your vagina shut down like an airlock.


@Dr. Everything'll-Be-Alright
I'm going to take this as a 'Dune' reference, too.


"Just got out of the shower..." which means my hair will be freshly washed so DO NOT touch it with your oily fingers.


@D.@twitter "I know you're busy today, but can you add one thing to your to-do list? The car really needs an emissions inspection."

bryan low@twitter

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