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Thursday, December 20, 2012

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The Top Five Lesser-Known Failed Apocalypses

The world is probably going to end tomorrow! Alternately, the world is definitely not going to end tomorrow! Frequent, vigorous, nonsensical, and ultimately unsuccessful apocalyptic predictions are a part of our shared cultural heritage; making them is a tradition we're simply carrying forward.

5. Some time in the 1600s: Christopher Columbus

Most of us know Christopher Columbus as a guy who sailed the ocean blue/ genocidal maniac, but he was also fascinated by the apocalypse, and toward the end of his life wrote The Book of Prophecies, which drew apocalyptic theories from the Old and New Testament, as well as his own era, to try to convince King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella to sponsor new voyages that would help bring around the end times and the return of Christ. In fact, some claim that his entire voyage to the ‘new world’ was part of an attempt to discover a new route to Jerusalem, the first step toward bringing about the end of days. He died in 1506, convinced the end was quite near.

4. 1999: Charles Berlitz

Charles Berlitz was a Yale magna cum laude and an heir to the Berlitz language school company, and he helped pioneer the recording of foreign language lessons on tape. But who cares about any of that stuff! Berlitz’s real legacy was that he predicted the end of the world. In 1982, he published Doomsday 1999: Countdown to the Apocalypse, which made the case that because of problems like famine, overpopulation, and climate change, the world would end around 1999 (certainly not the most far-out claim on this list). His other books, on topics like the lost city of Atlantis, the Bermuda Triangle, and Roswell UFOs, are available on Amazon, in case you’re still trying to figure out what to get anyone for Christmas. 

3. March 1982: John Gribbin and Stephen Plagemann

In 1974, a book called The Jupiter Effect, written by two actual scientists, predicted that because of planetary alignment, the world would end in March of 1982. The book was a runaway best-seller, and created the annoying "planetary alignment apocalypse” theory, which many confused college freshman who stink of bong water believe to this very day. Gribbin repudiated the book’s theory in 1980 in an article in New Scientist, claiming that in his reasoning, he had been “too clever by half” — but that didn’t stop him from writing, with co-author Plagemann, a sequel called The Jupiter Effect Reconsidered, in 1982. The follow-up linked a number of recent-at-the-time natural disasters — including the eruption of Mt. Saint Helens — with their theories from the first book.

2. May 19, 1780: The people of New England

This was less a failed prediction than a failed ... interpretation. On this extraordinarily overcast day in New England, fog combined with smoke from a forest fire to create what seemed to locals to be a nightfall that lasted all day and through the next. Many thought it meant the world was ending — a theory that went so far as to be discussed during a Connecticut state legislature session. Abraham Davenport, a legislator, comforted his panicking fellow legislators, who wanted to adjourn work for the day, by saying “The day of judgment is either approaching, or it is not. If it is not, there is no cause of an adjournment; if it is, I choose to be found doing my duty. I wish therefore that candles may be brought.” This earned him the honor of being immortalized in verse by the writer John Greenleaf Whittier. Fun game to play: Tell your friends and co-workers that work shouldn’t be canceled on Friday, and see if anyone writes a poem about you!

1. 1806: The Prophet Hen of Leeds

The Prophet Hen of Leeds” was exactly what it sounds like: a hen that laid eggs with the cryptic, apocalyptic message “Christ is Coming” written on them. The hen attracted huge crowds of visitors, who briefly believed that she really did have some inner apoco-knowledge that could only be expressed via egg. But it was soon revealed that the hen's owner had been etching the messages on the eggs in acid, shoving them back up the hen's egg hole, and acting surprised when they came out again. Oh man, that old trick?!

The only thing we really know about the apocalypse is that if the world ever does end, we’ll never see it coming (that’s either from the Bible or Ferris Bueller’s Day Off). So try to keep calm, carry on, and enjoy your Mayan-themed pizza party — who knows if it’s your last?

Gabrielle Moss does all her writing from a steel-reinforced bunker, miles beneath the Earth’s surface. You can follow her on Twitter @gaby_moss.

402 Comments / Post A Comment

Emby

More like a-BAWK!-alypse.

graffin

@Emby I bet it felt like the end of days for that hen who was getting eggs shoved back up her e-hole.

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Kind of hoping that the world does end tomorrow, because that would take a LOT off my plate.

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@Heat Signature It'd really take the edge off the job rejection and utter failure at packing I've got going on today. (Mostly j/k, I also have a pumpkin cupcake waiting to be eaten, and I will be pissed if I don't get to).

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@professionalmess couldn't even finish watching "the Aviator". LDC looked as much like Howard Hughes as Justin Beiber. Don't get me wrong, I think Di Caprio is a fine actor but he was mis-cast for that role by a mile.top eleven hack Never did buy into it.

TheBelleWitch

That poor hen. What did she do to deserve this??

Seriously, nerding out on failed doomsday predictions is the best. My current favorite is "Loca Mariana," who had like 400 followers in the Central California hills in the late 1800s. When her followers started defecting, she maybe poisoned a child to scare them into staying in line. And later she maybe murdered another guy. Doomsday cults, wow.

ru_ri

Unrelated, but that chicken looks just like my pet chicken, Danger Chicken! Who laid a beautiful egg this morning. No writing on it, though, only brown speckles.

ru_ri

@ru_ri Also re: the Prophet Hen of Leeds, that is appalling. And if you tried it with Danger Chicken you would lose your eyeballs.

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@ru_ri DANGER CHICKEN! The world was a lesser place before Danger Chicken came along! And I didn't realize it till now.

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@ru_ri She also looks like one of my hens, Motherclucker!

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@PistolPackinMama If you could only meet her, your world would change still further! She is an extraordinary chicken (and we have several other chickens, so I do have some basis for comparison).

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katiemcgillicuddy

So not only was Columbus a world-class dick, he was an unbalanced paranoid idiot who was actively "trying" to bring the end of days. Cool, see you next second Monday in October everyone.

rosaline

As if it weren't hard enough to concentrate on work the day before I leave for Christmas vacation! Even highly unlikely apocalypses (apocalypi?) are such good distractions.

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After the May 2011 apocalypse "scare," whoever put up signs around town about it neglected to take them down for at least six months. You'd think they'd want us to forget about it as quickly as possible?

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Hellcat

I have to confess that end-of-the-world prophesies make me feel creeped out even though I (am pretty sure that I) know better.

lexmarie

So... I don't think the world is going to end tomorrow. But... I'm also scared that the world will end tomorrow? Not really, but kind of! I think this stems from me reading something about 2012 when I was a little kid and it somehow sticking in the back of my mind forever. I've had a tiny ticking clock bugging me for the last 20 years. Also, this could stem from my general fear of death/the deaths of my loved ones. So am I the only one who feels this way? I know on a rational level that everything is fine, but I still can't help but feel nervous! I think the other issue I have is how everyone is joking about it. I guess I just find it a bit disturbing to joke about everyone dying, even if the whole idea is absurd. Anyway, I wanted to vent and I know you 'Pinners are always awesome and supportive and hopefully won't judge too much. See you guys tomorrow! (I'll be clutching my cats all night waiting for the actual solstice to [hopefully] uneventfully pass.)

mynamebackwards

@lexmarie I feel weird too, but mainly because I am worried that OTHER people are going to do some crazy shit. I read today that a school district in Michigan closed 33 of its schools because they weren't sure what to expect tomorrow...that doesn't make me happy. especially because I am flying (an activity I do not enjoy) home to detroit in the morning :( I mean, I know it will be fine but I just want us all to be on our best super-calm behavior. xannies for everyone!

SarcasticFringehead

@lexmarie I definitely have a sort of generalized fear of the end of the world (and a degree in environmental studies isn't helping, whee!), but one thing that helps me with these sort of super-specific predictions is just thinking about the logistics a little bit - like, if the world is supposed to end at Midnight, whose midnight are they talking about? GMT? For some reason, this works better than knowing actual facts, like that real alive Mayans all say this is bullshit. My brain works in ways that are deeply and profoundly weird.

Miss Maszkerádi

@SarcasticFringehead the above three comments are me exactly. Also I'm about to get on a plane for a transatlantic long haul and.....I'm already a little twitchy about flying even without apocalypse stories.

lexmarie

@lexmarie We're alive! I guess the day isn't over, but I chose my arbitrary world-ending time as the exact time of the solstice (about 40 min ago), so hopefully we're out of the woods? So sorry to all the fliers. I can barely handle flying on a normal day, so I can't imagine doing it today. *Hugs!* Also, my cats must have known I was freaked out because 2 of them planted themselves on top of me the minute I got into bed and the third attached himself to my side. Normally, bedtime is go-crazy-for-a-while-and-then-maybe-sleep-on-the-end-of-the-bed time. Thanks kitties!

leonstj

I kind of love this apocalypse. It's become really fun to play along with.

SarcasticFringehead

@leon s I've been making a playlist of all my apocalyptic songs! But I might have done that anyway, because it's winter and dark and rainy and it's getting to me a little bit.

sandwiches

@SarcasticFringehead Oh, what songs do you put on an apocalyptic playlist (aside from Tom Lehrer/REM)?

SarcasticFringehead

@sandwiches So it's apparently not relevant today (who could have guessed!?!), but here it is:

Goin' Down on the Mountain - Corb Lund
We Will Become Silhouettes - The Postal Service
The Earth is On Fire - Yacht
Shangri-La - Yacht
Clear Spirits - Les Savy Fav
The Man Comes Around - Johnny Cash
Earth Died Screaming - Tom Waits

It's also not very long yet, but since we've had a stay of armageddon, I'm just going to keep adding to it.

skyslang

Y2K! How could you have neglected Y2K?

Gaby@twitter

@skyslang Because it was about lesser-known ones! Y2K is the Dave Matthews Band of failed apocalypses!

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