Monday, December 3, 2012


The Fountain of Passion


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that's a little intense first thing on a monday morning! i somehow thought the surprise would be a chocolate fountain or baby bears in a fountain, you know?


@Anechka27 I just google-imaged "baby bears in a fountain" and was really sad no such picture exists.


@SarahP Perhaps this
will help.


Rawr! I am a Kraken!

(This was the closest I could get.)


This is catchy!@y


I simply don't believe "findings" like those. How long was the average couple together before they got married? Did all or none live together first? Because I was with my husband for 3.5 years before we got married, and I have other friends who were together for 9-10 years before getting married, and my parents knew each other less than a year before getting married--you can't tell me we'll all have the same emotional patterns in the first decades of our marriages.

It's not marriage, it's relationships. There is nothing magic (or magic-killing) about signing a marriage license.


@SarahP I was wondering that too. However, married couples have sworn to me that something is "different" right after they get married, which I find surprising since most of these couples had dated and lived together for years. Since I'm not married yet, I can't attest to that, but color me skeptical.


@SarahP This, exactly. I've been married 3 years, but we've been together 6. That said, I put far more importance in the day we decided that we wanted to move in with each other - we did eventually get married, but that was 2 years later. So where do my 2 years of wedded bliss start?

Apparently, the NYT thinks that, either way, I should be grumpy and bored by now, because the novelty has worn off and I think of my husband like a sibling. I'm not going to speculate about how I'll feel next summer when we have a baby, don't sleep, and are exhausted, but this whole article was (of course) reductive.

Stacy Worst

@beanie Married and divorced (right on schedule, according to this article). Something was "different" right after getting married, for me. For whatever reason, having a Husband did feel different than having a boyfriend, partner or fiance. More secure, maybe, like the pressure was off a bit because we would take on life's burdens as a unit from then on.

These feelings were suprising since I'd never really put any value on getting married before that. But anyway the marriage didn't work out. Feelings come and go!


@Ophelia Nothing changed for us when we got married, and even living together didn't change much because we'd spent so much time together prior to that. Buying a house together was probably the biggest deal so far.

BUT you made me realize that a lot of couples probably have their first child within the first two years of marriage, so maybe that has more to do with what the article's talking about than simply getting married!.


@beanie - I'm in the same boat - I've heard the same even from dude-friends.

Even one couple I knew - they'd been dating since 16, lived together since 22, married at 26 - and they SWORE that "EVERYTHING WAS DIFFERENT NOW" when they got married.

Also - I am ASTONISHED (or just missed while reading) the idea that "2 years of bliss" = "about how long it takes a cavepeople couple to get pregnant, gestate, and oh look now baby trog can walk on his own, nice knowing ya, bye"

(Do you think cave-couples referred to their pregnancies as "we"? I like to think that maybe we were very egalitarian until Plato ruined everything, and in the long run of the human species maybe our current shittiness will only be a blip).


@Ophelia I feel like (for me anyway) the main difference was after I got married OTHER people took us more seriously as a couple. We had already been living together and had semi combined finances so the day to day didn't change significantly.


@leon s I was actually pretty surprised they didn't mention what effect kids had (or didn't have) because I've never seen a relationship/marriage where their effect wasn't HUGE, for better or worse. Especially at the beginning, considering how much stress babies/toddlers tend to cause. Okay, so things get better when they go off to college. Don't tell me there's no effect the first 18 years.


@beanie I've had people tell me that, but I didn't find it true for myself.


@leon s Hah, just saw this. I meant, after I HAVE the baby, we'll have a baby...like, have it in the house. Aah, the non-specificity of English idiom!


@Ophelia - I just think the whole thing is troubling (to know which I prefer, not the idea of people saying 'we'). On one hand, I really like that it means the partner is taking responsibility for what they've done, and helping out, etc etc and all of that, which is swell I guess.

On the other hand...I just. It seems so terribly painful. And...messy. And that's just the actual day of, let alone the 8 months without a drink. I just....I feel like ya'll ladies get to take solo props for that one, cuz I am not ready for that sort of situation, nor shall I ever be.

The Lady of Shalott

The New York Times: "Whatever you're doing, you're doing it wrong."


@The Lady of Shalott Or it will go horribly wrong, even if you're doing it right.


@SarahP or maybe, as this article suggests, never have children. then your life will be beautiful (and then, at the bottom of the page there is probably a link to how having children will improve your life).


@The Lady of Shalott I'm single, but by the end of the article I felt I'd utterly failed my partner. Such is the reach of our foremost journalistic powerhouse.


@The Lady of Shalott The Eeyore of Newspapers

Oliver St. John Mollusc

Next up, studies show that water is wet and sand is dry!


@Oliver St. John Mollusc Seriously, who thinks that your sex will stay exciting and passionate for 60 years? If that's the reason behind your marriage maybe you need to rethink things?

Heat Signature

Once I realized that divorcing my husband and having to share custody of our kid would suck way more than staying married, I grew the fuck up and started appreciating him and our life together. No one is perfect, and no situation is perfect, so the more I can embrace that the better I feel about my life as it right now (ask me how many hours of therapy it took to get here).


I don't know. I'm not married, and never have been, but it does seem that I know a lot of folks who have some unrealistic expectations about marriage. Like it will always be wonderful and passionate. Not that that can't happen, it is however more likely that there will be ups and downs. I read the article and felt comforted that it's common for couples to wax and wane in the passion department, and that there are steps folks can take to help rekindle that old flame.

fondue with cheddar

@Sassafrass My ex expected the passion to last, and when it didn't he went and found it elsewhere. He did not have realistic expectations about marriage.

I think the steps outlined in this article to rekindle the passion are good ones. Another that they didn't mention is to have a life outside of each other (hobbies, friends, activities). I've never been really good about this, but I have heard from healthy, long-term couples that it is essential.

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

Anecdotal evidence in my life tells me that the people who believe their wedding day is The Ultimate Day of Importance in History When a Princess is Joined to Her Prince FOREVER are the ones who are most disappointed in the monotony of married life. But those might just be the people I went to college with.

Reginal T. Squirge

"If we obsessed, endlessly, about our partners and had sex with them multiple times a day — every day — we would not be very productive at work or attentive to our children, our friends or our health. (To quote a line from the 2004 film 'Before Sunset,' about two former lovers who chance to meet again after a decade, if passion did not fade, 'we would end up doing nothing at all with our lives.')"

You say that like it's a bad thing.


I'm not married, so what do I know, but for me the severe anxiety that accompanies falling in love means that companionate love is infinitely preferable. Love you, stability!


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