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Monday, December 17, 2012

93

The 13 Dwarves of "The Hobbit," Force-Ranked for Hotness

1. Thorin Oakenshield
2. Kili
3. Fili

...

End of list.

Thorin talks to GQ here. He does Bikram, he's 6'1. No biggie.

93 Comments / Post A Comment

yunkstahn

True fact: Richard Armitage is about as dishy as they come. "North and South" (at this very moment on Netflix instant viewing) is required viewing. Also, seasons 7–9 of "MI-5" ("Spooks" in the UK; also on Netflix instant viewing).

blueblazes

@yunkstahn I came to the comments specifically to mention North and South. Thanks for covering that. Rawr.

royaljunk

@yunkstahn I maaaaay have started watching it on Netflix last night for reasons completely unrelated to Thorin Oakenshield or so I tell myself.

I smell burnt toast

@yunkstahn I have seen North and South twice and could not tell you the plot of it except the scenes that Richard Armitage is in.

yunkstahn

The man SMOULDERS in N&S. Yowza. Even Mr. Darcy seems tepid in comparison. (<3 U 4 EVAR Colin Firth.)

Allie J

@yunkstahn
Oh yes, N&S makes you say, "Darcy who? Mr. Darcy? Who's that? Whatever. Tell me about Mr. Thornton."

rayray

@all Lets not forget Mr Bates of Downton Abbey aka Brendan Coyle also appears in N&S.

par_parenthese

@yunkstahn I ALSO came to the comments section just to say NORTH AND SOUTH. Richard Armitage. FWOAR!!!

Es
Es

@yunkstahn Oh, lovely lovely Lucas in Spooks. I looooooooove him.

frigwiggin

No love for Bombur?

Blackwatch Plaid

@frigwiggin His beard *is* my favorite.

Elsajeni

This ranking is not quite correct, it should be
1. Kili
2. Thorin Oakenshield
SIZABLE GAP
3. Fili

(Although my husband thought Fili was hottest, so what do I know.)

fondue with cheddar

@Elsajeni While I'm normally more attracted to dark-haired guys, I think Fili might be the hottest in my opinion. That may or may not be influenced by my crush on Varric Tethras.

thenotestaken

@Elsajeni Yes, you are correct. I feel like they gave Kili extra screen time because he was so far and away the cutest.

Blushingflwr

The book of The Hobbit made so small an impression on me that until the movie came out I had completely forgotten there were dwarves in it at all. I remember a Hobbit, a birthday party, and a riddle game, and that's it.

Also, when I look at that poster, all I see is a bunch of dudes who need haircuts, and am unable to look past that to any potential hotness that might lay within.

fondue with cheddar

@Blushingflwr I was pretty young when I read it too (actually, my dad read it to us). I had a vague memory of the riddle scene but that was it.

OhMarie

@Blushingflwr I had the same reaction--I went to see the movie with a HUGE Hobbit fan ("they were supposed to be hiding in, like, 5 trees, not one tree") but basically all I remember from reading it was the part with Gollum and Bilbo doing riddles.

fondue with cheddar

@OhMarie They were in a bunch of trees at first, but then they all burned/fell down.

Fissionchips

@fondue with cheddar Same! Our teacher read it to my class in primary school and I only remember the riddle scene at all. Up until the LOTR films came out I also thought Golum was an octopus. So disappointed.

fondue with cheddar

@Fissionchips An octopus! That must've been a rude awakening.

I thought hobbits were more like tiny, adorable trolls or something. Not just little humanlike creatures with big, hairy feet.

Ojo
Ojo

@Blushingflwr My boyfriend's little sister was absolutely convinced that Bilbo was a rabbit, since he lived in a hole in the ground and as English isn't her first language, Hobbit-hole and Rabbit-hole sounded similar enough.

thatgirl

When the dwarves' teaser posters came out, I created this elaborate theory about how Fili and Kili (the youngest and prettiest-looking dwarves) were actually engaged in dwarven teenage rebellion, the point of which was to be as elf-like as possible in order to piss off their parents.

Kinsey Holley@twitter

@thatgirl That's pretty brilliant. I'd never noticed Aiden Turner before but I see that he was in a BBC costume melodrama about the Pre-Raphaelite Bro'hood. I love the PRB so now I have 3 series to watch....

rayray

@Kinsey Holley@twitter Also check out Being Human - he's a nasty vampire, and it also stars Russell Tovey who is universally ace. Don't watch after the second season though, it gets kinda shit.

par_parenthese

@rayray Russell Tovey <3!!!!

I feel basically identically to how you feel about Being Human. SO GOOD (in a paranormal soapy way) and then SO SHIT.

you're a kitty!

@Kinsey Holley@twitter DESPERATE ROMANTICS IS THE BEST WORST SHOW EVERRR

deepomega

Still not clear why there were SO MANY dwarves. Cut back a few!

fondue with cheddar

@deepomega Cut back how many, exactly? 6?

deepomega

@fondue with cheddar Could probably scrap by with, like, four dwarves. Thorin, one of the dudes that fights, the paperwork dwarf, and a spare in case someone dies.

Nicole Cliffe

<3 u, paperwork dwarf

fondue with cheddar

@deepomega NO SEE I WAS MAKING A JOKE WHAT'S 13 MINUS 6? I am terrible.

nyikint

@fondue with cheddar Ideally, your post would have 13-6 likes too.

Scandyhoovian

This list is perfect. Thorin is the very greatest. Then Kili.

Then an enormous gap that fits a few elves in it (Elrond in armor! What!) and then the rest of the dwarves.

royaljunk

@Scandyhoovian Elrond looked fresh. to. death. in this movie I must admit.

Nicole Cliffe

Riiiight? I'm all "TELL ME, DID YOU GET FRAXEL OR WHAT? IPL?"

The Dilettantista

@royaljunk So for the longest time Hugo Weaving was always Elrond and/or Mr. Smith to me but now that I have seen The Adventures of Priscilla Queen of the Desert a bajillion times he will always be Tick. I, too, felt that Hugo Weaving was making enormous use of Wo-Man cream, his skin looked flawless and he hasn't aged a day in nine years.

Scandyhoovian

@The Dilettantista Speaking of not aging at all in the time between LotR and the Hobbit, WHAT IS UP WITH CATE BLANCHETT? DOES SHE SLEEP IN TUBS OF VIRGIN BLOOD OR WHAT?

The Dilettantista

@Scandyhoovian Oh she always looks divine it just isn't fair. If I looked good in blonde wigs I'd totally make myself a Galadriel costume, but I'll probably need to get my Tolkien costuming kicks on via Arwen, since she is much more my coloring.

Scandyhoovian

@The Dilettantista Speaking of "things that don't look right with someone's coloring," I love how Peter Jackson has just decided to keep going with the whole "I'm casting dark-haired folks to play my blonde elves" thing with Thranduil. Thranduil and his dark elven brow, just like his pretty, pretty son Legolas. And his elk.

The Dilettantista

@Scandyhoovian Thranduil has like exploded all over the internet, was this expected? I mean, seriously, all my Con/Costuming friends are just loosing their minds over him. Blondes don't do it for me, I guess. But then again neither do dwarves. Usually.

Melusina

@Scandyhoovian They de-aged her with CGI. I mean, she still looks great, but they did use CGI fort the film.

Inkling

@The Dilettantista
Yeah, he's the crazy butthole of the whole book! Dunno if you like Gingerhaze, the woman who started the Hawkeye Initiative, but she does a lot of comics about this kinda thing and pretty much nailed Racist Party Dad.
ETA If you want more internet about him idk.

royaljunk

CORRECT. House of Durin can get it.

I cannot get over Thorin's brooding romantic hero beefcake poses. HAMMERING! BLACKSMITHING!! BARE ARMS!!!

Though Fili does objectively have the prettiest hair.

(spoilers below)
La la la cheerfully in denial about What Happens Later in the book

royaljunk

@royaljunk Quick quick someone come up with a sexual King Under The Mountain pun

Nicole Cliffe

Straight up. I literally thought: "oh, if only Thorin had the love of a nerdy human female, he wouldn't be so brooding." Annnnnd hence most of my ex-boyfriends? #realtalk

royaljunk

@Nicole Cliffe "Thorin why did you call me Arkenstone when we made love last night? Thorin? Thorin???"

redheaded&crazy

somehow I managed to live in ignorance of the fact that there are going to be three hobbit movies until the reviews started coming out for this first one.

So I guess I'm getting to this a bit late but: THREE movies?! THREE?! REALLY???

redheaded&crazy

@redheaded&crazie ugh this article is about hot men get with the program.

um ... is viggo mortensen in this one?

The Dilettantista

@redheaded&crazie Yes, three, it is sort of a disaster, unless you periodically detach yourself from getting irritated at the fact that the narrative is being stretched over three, three-hour movies and just accept that New Zealand is GORGEOUS and there is nothing wrong with watching hours of gorgeous Kiwi scenery. And no to Viggo Mortensen, the broody displaced ruler role is all Richard Armitage this time around.

Nutmeg

@redheaded&crazie My boyfriend was all, "I'm not going to see the first part of a trilogy in the movie theatre because I hate the movie theatre and also trilogies" so's I was all, "FUCK YOU WE'RE GOING TO SEE THE HOBBIT" but instead I got drunk and we watched Rescue Me (not in that order)

OhMarie

@The Dilettantista I am totally, 100% on board with this one. I can enjoy a movie moment-to-moment for being beautiful even if it is not really that great as a movie. This is also a useful skill when watching comedies, there are lots of comedies that are a series of hilarious scenes with plots that make no goddamned sense.

The Dilettantista

@OhMarie It also probably didn't hurt that, before we saw the movie, we had a bunch of people over for SECOND BREAKFAST which was essentially breakfast for dinner (NEVER A BAD IDEA, ALWAYS THE BEST IDEA) and then we all went to see the movie together pleasantly full and READY FOR HOBBITS.

OhMarie

@The Dilettantista This is genius.

royaljunk

ALSO HOW GREAT WAS BOFUR

smidge

@royaljunk Haven't seen it yet but James Nesbitt is my Older Man crush so I am hopeful

fondue with cheddar

@royaljunk HE WAS INDEED GREAT.

Thorin is the one you lust after, Kili and Fili are the ones you date, but Bofur is the one you ultimately marry. You know what? He definitely deserves a spot on #4.

royaljunk

@smidge I get the sense that he's the writers' favorite dwarf.

anachronistique

@smidge JIMMY NESBITT <33333

Blackwatch Plaid

@fondue with cheddar Agreed. He has kind eyes.

fondue with cheddar

@Blackwatch Plaid He reminds me of George Harrison. :)

werewolfbarmitzvah

I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE IT WAS THREE HOURS.

3penny

I get a bit swoony for anyone who namedrops The Master and Margarita. A movie adaptation could be spectacular, but it might end up just an unbelievable reeking pile of excrement, especially if someone got cutesy with a CGI Behemoth. Trrricky.

PatatasBravas

Haven't seen it yet but I had kind of assumed that the only marginally hot characters would be Beorn and Bard the Bowman. Cleolinda said it majestically in her phrase Hot Dwarf Cognitive Dissonance.(SPOILERS AT THE LINK YO)

par_parenthese

@PatatasBravas Hot Dwarf Cognitive Dissonance is my new favorite phrase.

TheBelleWitch

Is this a safe space to admit that I watched all of the BBC Robin Hood on Netflix? That is an objectively terrible show but Richard Armitage does rock the guyliner and brooding to great effect.

Sabriel N7@twitter

@TheBelleWitch Don't forget the black leather. He also rocked the black leather.

meetapossum

@TheBelleWitch Robin Hood is not worth watching, right? It keeps popping up on my Netflix recommendations, and I don't want to start it because I'll watch the whole thing no matter how bad it is (I'm looking at you, Merlin).

Lucienne

@Sabriel N7@twitter Every episode it's like, "I HATE this show, it's terrible, why am I wasting my ti - oh, right."

TheBelleWitch

@meetapossum It really, really is not worth watching. If you have the ability to disengage at the end of a season, you could maaaybe watch Season 1 for your black-leather-and-broody-guyliner needs and still respect yourself as a human being? I seem to remember it getting worse as time went on.

Be But Little

@TheBelleWitch I only watched Robin Hood because Sir Guy is, basically, a medieval biker and TOTALLY HOT. Is it wrong that I wanted Marian to ditch Robin for Guy even though he burned down her house and imprisoned her and her father?

Yeah, that's probably all kinds of wrong.

par_parenthese

@TheBelleWitch I'm so glad you said it's terrible, and of course this is a safe space. I sometimes have tiny frissons of panic at the idea of someone seeing my Netflix watch history. I, for example, will watch any shite with David Tennant or Eddie Redmayne in it *side-eyes Birdsong*.

joie

@TheBelleWitch Ugh, Guy of Gisborne, get in my pants! And yes, that is an objectively terrible show that I could not. stop. watching.

Be But Little

@Mame Dennis-Pickett-Burnside This comment. YES.

Princess Slayer

@TheBelleWitch YES. Deep shame.

nyikint

The Hobbit! Let's talk about it!

Anybody else really irritated that Bilbo saw the ring and purposefully picked it up, rather than stumbling upon it blindly?!

joie

@nyikint YES. YES. YES. Not to mention, in LOTR they showed Bilbo stumbling upon it blindly and picking it up!? WTF, Peter Jackson, that was your movie. You should remember things like this.

nyikint

@Mame Dennis-Pickett-Burnside Haha that's right. It's almost like they tried so hard to have continuity with LOTR in some of the other parts, they forgot the obvious one.

To be honest, although there were some good visuals to the movie and I really appreciated the Ungoliant shoutout, I was kind of underwhelmed? It was cinematically very nice, but... too dramatic and not understated enough. (This is me getting old - why is there so much noise?! I just want some peace and quiet!). There was no space for a performance like John Noble's Denethor and that's a big shame.

Lucienne

Oh man, David Oyelowo is in that Jack Reacher movie? I think I have to see it now. (Miss you, Danny!)

Lisa Frank

Bikram! None of the dudes at my studio look like Richard Armitage...

causedbycomma

That is becuase LEE PACE IS ADORABLE.

causedbycomma

@causedbycomma Er, sorry, was trying to reply to the comment about why Thranduil was all over the place now!

Hot Doom

@causedbycomma Holy shit, haven't seen it yet, and I had no idea Lee Pace was in this too (IN ADDITION TO ARMITAGE AGH). I'm gonna be barfin' the barf of love all over the place when I finally watch it.

causedbycomma

That is... A fairly accurate description of my reaction. :)

Amber

Someone help me. I've watched all of North & South and I've moved on to Robin Hood. And yes, it is objectively terrible.

par_parenthese

@Amber MI-5! Watch MI-5 instead! Matthew MacFadyen hotness early, Richard Armitage hotness later.

Princess Slayer

@Amber I'm so sorry. There's no escaping Robin Hood now. You'll start to justify it to yourself until suddenly you arrive at the TRAVELING CASINO in season 2 and throw yourself off a bridge. Eventually you get to Clive Standen in S3 but by then it's too late. Your soul is gone.

Melusina

Fili is obviously hotter than Kili. It's the braided moustache. Gets me every time.

Lamb

I feel a need to point out that if you loved Fili, you NEEEEEED to find and watch the first two seasons of The Almighty Johnsons. Dean O'Gorman plays a god in human form that gets A LOT of attention.

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