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Friday, December 28, 2012

69

The Best Accidental Stories Told Through My Google Search History

happiness (1/04, 3:35 a.m.)

flavor blasted goldfish + what flavors? (1/25, 10:45 p.m.)

team jacob + abs + “happy birthday” (2/09, 9:39 p.m.)

party planning as a job (2/12, 1:43 a.m.)

jokerman font (2/19, 8:13 p.m.)
beckett + genetic criticism (2/19, 8:13 p.m.)
samuel beckett + genetic criticism (2/19, 8:16 p.m.)
jokerman font + 32pt (2/19, 8:17 p.m.)

what are all the dimensions? (2/20, 1:46 a.m.)

jon hamm + esquire cover (3/04, 4:43 a.m.)

afrin addiction (3/24, 11:00 p.m.)
am i addicted to afrin (3/24, 11:00 p.m.)
weaning off of afrin (3/24, 11:03 p.m.)

jon hamm + high school + football (3/29, 3:45 a.m.)

galaxy body paint (3/30, 5:20 a.m.)
galaxy body suit (3/30, 5:20 a.m.)
how to paint galaxy on body (3/30, 5:27 a.m.)

justin bieber on segway (4/03, 10:16 p.m.)

sex in crazy places + lyrics (4/06, 5:26 a.m.)

psychology + people who cut off their limbs (4/10, 3:57 a.m.)

what season do niles and daphne get together? (4/12, 3:21 a.m.)

samuel beckett + bobblehead toy (4/19, 3:29 a.m.)

cannoli in portland (4/21, 11:29 p.m.)
late night + cannoli (4/21, 11:30 p.m.)
portland + italian pastries + late night (4/21, 11:30 p.m.)
italian pastries + thesis orals (4/21, 11:43 p.m.)

frasier + homophobic? (4/22, 7:43 p.m.)

leaked bieber boyfriend video (4/23, 9:11 p.m.)

jobs (5/02, 8:43 p.m.)
writing jobs (5/02, 8:45 p.m.)
how to be a writer (5/02, 8:46 p.m.)

justin bieber + boyfriend + premiere (5/03, 10:18 p.m.)

justin bieber + boyfriend video + hair (5/04, 8:49 p.m.)
justin bieber + hair + johnny bravo (5/04, 8:52 p.m.)
johnny bravo + streaming (5/04, 8:53 p.m.)

neverending olive garden breadsticks (5/04, 2:33 a.m.)

bad form to ask if an internship is paid? (5/09, 8:34 p.m.)

icona pop + i love it (5/11, 2:52 a.m.)
wild ones + video (5/11, 2:56 a.m.)
love in this club + video (5/11, 3:02 a.m.)

hangover + hands tingling? (5/11, 11:48 a.m.)

spanish conquistador weapons (5/29, 3:47 p.m.)

beyonce + halo (6/26, 11:36 p.m.)
beyonce + if i were a boy (6/26, 11:42 p.m.)
beyonce + if i were a boy + snl + video (6/26, 11:53 p.m.)
bon iver + i can’t make you love me (6/27, 12:12 a.m.)

doctor who + sad + rain + gif (6/29, 1:17 a.m.)

my bag was stolen (7/02, 2:16 a.m.)
report missing license (7/02, 2:20 a.m.)
portland police + file report (7/02, 2:20 a.m.)
detective munch (7/02, 2:32 a.m.)

dancing on my own + video (7/05, 8:43 p.m.)

tasteful sheer dress (7/06, 7:17 p.m.)

jon hamm + W magazine (7/10, 12:03 a.m.)

side effects of whippets (7/12, 12:51 a.m.)

cross-country road trip (7/26, 2:12 a.m.)
cross-country route + map (7/26, 2:12 a.m.)
what to do in new mexico? (7/26, 2:20 a.m.)

how to post thesis in resume (8/25, 10:50 a.m.)

racks on racks on racks (9/09, 2:02 p.m.)
rack city + rap genius (9/09, 2:02 p.m.)
what are racks (9/09, 2:04 p.m.)

death from appendicitis (9/15, 3:28 p.m.)

matt saracen + friday night lights (9/29, 7:58 p.m.)
matt saracen’s mom + friday night lights (9/29, 7:59 p.m.)

where to buy mace (10/02, 8:21 a.m.)

car towed + brooklyn (10/19, 1:39 a.m.)
brooklyn navy yard (10/19, 1:41 a.m.)

how to be in the FBI? (10/23, 1:51 a.m.)

park slope + bingo (11/14, 7:18 p.m.)

google search history (12/07, 12:42 a.m.)

 

Previously: Allowances.

Arianna Rebolini lives, writes, and serves people Thai food in Brooklyn.



69 Comments / Post A Comment

faustbanana

I was really expecting a story about Jon Hamm + paparazzi + no underwear!

jhonsons

thanks bro awesome. @j

urn mo'@twitter

Oh, Ari. I totally detect RF theme unveiling in there. ahhh, I miss you so much!

Arianna Rebolini

@urn mo'@twitter miss you too!

runner in the garden

@urn mo'@twitter the RF theme was Justin Bieber?

yeah-elle

What's sad is my physical reaction to these. At "doctor who + sad + rain + gif (6/29, 1:17 a.m.)" I immediately made Tennant's sad crying face at my work laptop, and at "dancing on my own + video (7/05, 8:43 p.m.)" I started wiggling and busting out my best Robyn moves.

Is this the internet version of reading "her mouth pulled down at the corners" and making a moue at your book?

holditgently

So, this might be a dumb question, but how do you look up your Google search history? I want to do it!

holditgently

Oh, nevermind. I googled it.

Arianna Rebolini

@holditgently get ready for a LONG and EMOTIONAL ride

teaandcakeordeath

@Arianna Rebolini
history deleted

ironhoneybee

"tasteful sheer dress" is my favorite.

eraserface

@ironhoneybee Aren't we all searching for this elusive dress?

Scandyhoovian

My favorite:

cannoli in portland (4/21, 11:29 p.m.)
late night + cannoli (4/21, 11:30 p.m.)
portland + italian pastries + late night (4/21, 11:30 p.m.)
italian pastries + thesis orals (4/21, 11:43 p.m.)

I went from "Just looking for cannolis, move along" to "OHHHHHHH ACADEMIA I GET IT I UNDERSTAND"

Barry Grant

@Scandyhoovian

My as-yet unwritten first novel shall be titled "Cannoli in Portland".

Lila Fowler

I definitely compulsively googled half of these things as I read them. 'justin bieber on segway' is everything that I didn't know I need to complete my life.

Slutface

I also tried to use Google to figure out what Rack City was. No dice.

lavender gooms

How to wean off Afrin:

1. Wait until Friday night or equivalent night where you don't have to work in the morning.
2. Have enough alcohol that your stuffy nose does not impede the falling asleep process.
3. In the morning, your sinuses will be clear!

machinesss

Oh I set it so google doesn't record my search history at some point somehow. I kind of regret that now.

fondue with cheddar

@machinesss Apparently I did, too. I've only got results until 2010. My favorites from the first page:

gi Joe squirrel (10/9/2010, 10:33 PM)
here's looking at Euclid (10/12/2010, 6:53 PM)
gene wilder sheep (10/14/2010, 12:22 PM)
are ferns edible (10/14/2010, 1:38 PM)

I remember what the first three were about but I have no idea why I wanted to know if ferns were edible.

TheBourneApproximation

@fondue with cheddar Mine's turned off too, but here are the last terms in my google search bar (all from the past 24 hours?):

american international taxes
dear esther letters
mint julep
booker's bourbon
capital of kentucky
sherlock holmes street urchins
sherlock holmes drug
scandal in belgravia plot
falconry equipment

Damn, my search history makes me look classy, if I may say so myself!

fondue with cheddar

@TheBourneApproximation Yes, it does!

Amphora

@fondue with cheddar I think they only go back as long as you've had the particular computer, cause mine goes back to September 2008, when I got this laptop and googled "Anton aus Tirol."

fondue with cheddar

I would like neverending olive garden breadsticks.

olivebee

I just got reeeeaaaally paranoid that my bosses could look through my google search history (on my work computer), so I googled how to clear it, and google told me that search history is not enabled for my work domain. Hooray! That was either unintentional, or my bosses are fair and decent humans.

Ellie

Here's my most interesting one:

Dec 15, 2009
Searched for stethescope animal 1:56am
Searched for stethescope animals 1:56am
Searched for things to hang on stethoscope 1:53am
Searched for stethescope charms 1:53am

I have no memory of why I was interested by this, nor am I a doctor, nor have I ever worn a stethoscope (which I now know how to spell).

Nutmeg

The number of times I looked up that "How to Be Alone" video and watched it during a period of time is kind of sad? Also the number of times I looked up the liquor store near my house; you'd think I'd remember where it was or maybe not because of the liquor

Nutmeg

@Nutmeg Oh I also like those couple of days where all I searched was: "do i need stitches"; Eventually I found out you can't get stitches three days after you get cut (I should know this probably) and the decision was made for me

fabel

Oh. I kind of feel like a hypochondriac now, because my search history is all "pain in wrists carpel tunnel?" & "swollen glands AIDS?"

My phone search history right now though, is "do bars accepts passports" and "am I autistic?"

:-|

Leanne

I love this. I'm rather fond of viewing my phone's google search history after a late night out. My recent favorite was both "micropenis" and "world's largest penis." I'm glad I'm so fair and balanced during my drunken penis size research.

Misselthwaite

I don't want to be mean, but this is sort of like when someone tells you their dream because they think it's so bewildering or funny or strange, but it's all mostly just boring to the person it didn't happen to.

Decca

@Misselthwaite I don't want to be mean, but this is sort of like when someone gives unsolicited and banal criticism of a humourous article online because they think they're contributing, but it's all mostly just mean.

TheBourneApproximation

@Decca I don't want to be mean, but no sentence that has ever started with "I don't want to be mean" has not been mean.

Ellie

I'm very pro-criticism on the internet. It so happens that I was interested by this article. but I think it's kind of immature to try to shame people who don't love everything published on a website. It's a published piece on the internet, not a conversation in real life.

SarahHyphen

My favourite is
racks on racks on racks (9/09, 2:02 p.m.)
rack city + rap genius (9/09, 2:02 p.m.)
what are racks (9/09, 2:04 p.m.)

Because it's like "I love this song yeah!!!....wait, what are racks even."

slipstitch

ugh, i just looked up my history and it's all recipes and porn

aycaramba

My hands always tingle when I'm hungover. Or they feel clammy or hot and sweaty. If your googling was inconclusive, I've been told it's caused by low blood sugar.

milkybaggy

I had to try this for myself. Looking back, this was a great year and I think I learned a lot about the world around me.

rhianna throws up (1/7, 11:20 p.m.)

pinocchio tattoo (3/9, 10:32 p.m.)

musical rain gutter (3/31, 1:30 p.m.)

butcherface (4/5 11:06 p.m.)

virtual katie (4/16, 5:43 p.m.)

Break_Dancing_Dog (5/18, 7:26 p.m.)

tube of ground beef (5/28, 10:38 a.m.)

adult diaper + poop control + incontinence (6/17, 1:31 p.m.)

birds fighting (6/19, 4:33 p.m.)

bird dead (6/19, 4:37 p.m.)

women wearing boxers trend (7/7, 1:28 a.m.)

accidentally liked a picture on facebook? (8/22, 7:40 a.m.)

Is Rufus Gossip Girl? (9/17, 10:45 p.m.)

crystals (9/20, 10:36 p.m.)

sea slug (10/8, 4:06 p.m.)

fat flapper (10/8, 11:57 p.m.)

christina aguilera blood legs (10/18, 10:24 p.m.)

congealed salad (10/30, 12:03 a.m.)

a lady says yes (11/4, 3:49 p.m.)

multiple sarcsms (11/5 10:23 p.m.)

pile of buttons (11/6, 10:43 p.m.)

bugaboo (11/15, 3:43 p.m.)

donut tattoo (11/18, 4:43 p.m.)

outback steakhouse jemaine (11/21, 10:53 p.m.)

percentage of female engineers in university (12/12, 1:18 p.m.)

i want it that way cover (12/12, 10:06 p.m.)

vagina spektor (12/25, 12:15 a.m.)

white runners (12/29, 4:21 p.m.)

rohypnol (12/29, 5:32 p.m.)

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