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Tuesday, December 11, 2012

134

Texts From the American Girls

nellie 
nellie why didnt u come to the hedge today
to the lessons hedge )for lessons)
I'm sorry, Miss Parkington
I wasn't able to get away in time and
i was going to teach you more lessons 
is this about my birthday party 
are u mad at me
no – Samantha -
because i told you 
its not that youre not my friend 
you are my friend 
I'm glad to be your friend
u are just more of my FACTORY friend 
and not really 
my "birthday party" friend
I understand
guess how many kinds of ice cream we had 
I don't know
haha there are only three kinds of ice cream nellie
everyone knows that 
I see
youve got a lot of lessons ahead of you nellie
ICE CREAM LESSONS

Miss Felicity -
I must thank you for coming by last week to my hiding-place
the biscuits and canteen you brought were sorely needed
I know once I can enlist with the Patriots
I will be a burden to you no longer
I fear that before that day, however
I must trespass on your kindness one last time
and ask when you will return
as the water you so kindly brought me
ran out several days ago
and I am afraid to venture forth in daylight
and this fetid swamp provides me with no relief
BEN 
BEN I'M GETTING A PONY 
I congratulate you, Miss Felicity
that is wonderful news
Perhaps -
perhaps it shall make the trip shorter
when you do come again
I will name her Penny!!!
for I have grown weak from thirst
She is the color of a penny 
is why I have chosen that name, Ben 
A good name, that
I trust I can keep my strength up
long enough to see her myself
I am going to brush her mane EVERY DAY 

Harriet -
Addy.
Mother wanted me to ask you
if you'd like to go to the fair tomorrow wth us
Did she now
since we'll be working at the same booth together
all afternoon
Father's offered to give us a ride in his wagon
oh, his milk wagon? 
yes
his milk wagon
He only has the one wagon
you know that
Like father like daughter I suppose 
he only has one wagon 
and you only have one dress
You can just say no, Harriet
if you don't want to come with us
you can just say no
Addy 
do you even know how many dresses I have 
I'm sorry if I insulted you
you don't have to come
Addy 
I have seven dresses
I have a dress for every day of the week 
I have a dress for Monday 
look I'll see you tomorrow
I have a dress for Tuesday 
on Wednesday I have a different dress 
and on Thursday you have a fourth
I get it
do you though 
I think I grasp the prinsiple of the thing
oh my God 
Addy Walker 
how DO you spell principle, Harriet?
is it with an S?
or a C?
you are going to be so sorry that you ever - 
Maybe we should ask a spelling expert
Maybe we should ask someone who won
that you EVER -
a spelling
medal
for spelling the word principle correctly
I only have the one dress so you can see the medal every day

Previously: Texts From Little Women.

Mallory Ortberg is a writer in the Bay Area. Her work has also appeared on Slacktory and Ecosalon.

134 Comments / Post A Comment

A. Louise

The American Girl doll posts are my all-time favorite Pin posts. THANK YOU.

Samantha would have been such a brat IRL, I just know it.

rebecca the brave

@A. Louise Limousine-Liberal Samantha has been put out to pasture! I just got the catalog (side question: Why? I am childless! How do they know I care?) and Samantha/Young Charlotte York is missing!

A. Louise

@fancyschmancy WHAAAAT - I swear she was in it in the last catalog that I may or may not have sat down and read in its entirety when I was last at my parents' house. They still have not taken me off the mailing list... not complaining.

True story - I had Samantha because she looked the most like me back when they only made the historical ones, and I spilled soda in her hair and now own a slightly electrocuted looking Samantha. I think it suits her better. And that whole ridiculous story about how her parents died? Sigh. So good, American Girl. How could you get rid of her?

Lisa Frank

@A. Louise When I go visit my parents over the holidays, I really want to see if my Samantha doll is still somewhere in their house. I have a sinking suspicion that my mom got rid of her in a yard sale.

totallyunoriginal

@fancyschmancy Oh my god she is a young Charlotte York! Fantastic.

tessamae

@fancyschmancy ARE YOU ME.

Srsly, this exact thing just happened to me and I thought the same thoughts and are we the same person.

rebecca the brave

@A. Louise I was given Samantha because my mother was so status obsessed! Samantha PARKINGTON was like EXTRA-brand-name AG because she was the richest! Really I wanted Felicity, because horse and bonnet and all that "spunkiness." So I made up my Samantha like a drag queen using glitter nail polish, and then my mom's friend remarked that she was a "very vampy baby."

lorenzo

@A. Louise i also got samantha because she looked the most like me. my blond sister got kirsten. they are still in my parents' house somewhere...

Springtime for Voldemort

@fancyschmancy Looking on American Girls' website, Samantha, Kirsten, and Felicity have all been retired.

THIS AGGRESSION WILL NOT STAND, MAN

EpWs

BEN I'M GETTING A PONY

Also, read "enlist with the Patriots" and thought football, immediately. :O

area@twitter

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Not a huge Pats fan, but I like thinking of Tom Brady hiding in a swamp like a noble ruffian. Mud smeared on his cheeks like eyeblack. EDITED TO ADD: in this scenario Tim Tebow is obviously the evil Redcoat and Rex Ryan is his blustering obnoxious CO who drinks too much mead.

melis

how dare you people bring up SPORTS in this comment thread

EpWs

@area@twitter yes yes yes

melis

TALK ABOUT THE DEATH OF THE AUTHOR

EpWs

@melis YOU CAPITALIZED PATRIOTS THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT

wearitcounts

@area@twitter and mark sanchez is the guy who didn't realize there was a war on.

area@twitter

@melis I regret nothing

area@twitter

@wearitcounts HA! Of course. Mark Sanchez regularly stumbles into the butt of his own horse.

wearitcounts

@area@twitter i wish i could +1 that multiple times.

Bittersweet

@area@twitter I <3 this thread more than words can say. And that movie needs to get made, stat.

passivecashblueprint

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the roughest toughest frail

OH MY GOD.

u are just more of my FACTORY friend
Ouch. So accurate.

The Lady of Shalott

MELIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This has filled me with so much joy.

schrodingers_cat

MELIS!
This is perfect, especially with how none of these dolls even exist anymore in the catalog.

charlottecat

@schrodingers_cat Wait what? How could they do that?

schrodingers_cat

@charlottecat My Grinchy self says it is because Mattel ruins everything they touch. I think the official reason is that they periodically retire dolls to turn them into collectibles

OhMarie

@schrodingers_cat Collectibles? Is that real? I wonder if I can sell my Kirsten doll even though her wig is so, so bad.

ayo nicole

UGH HARRIET

ETA THIS IS AMAZING

cmonster

Melis, I just hate how much I love you.

YoungMrGrace

BEN/FELICITY FOREVER.

travelmugs

@YoungMrGrace Just watch Felicity the TV show, and imagine Ben and Felicity as time travelers who end up becoming really annoying navel-gazing New Yorkers. They time travel at the end of the show, there's no reason they couldn't have time traveled from Colonial times, too.

wee_ramekin

@Dancercise OOTP (Original One True Pairing)

Norrey

BAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! (That is how Norrey laughs - much like a feral sound erupting from my diaphragm)

rachelrachel

WHERE ARE THE KIRSTEN TEXTS. WHERE.

Is It a Hat?

@rachelrachel Coming here to ask the same question! Kirsten FOREVER.

PatatasBravas

@rachelrachel AND JOSEFINA

I never had a doll but I read those books religiously. Felicity was basically my alter-ego for six years.

A. Louise

@rachelrachel "Wore St. Lucia wreath and lit hair on fire. 911!"

crane your neck

@A. Louise Some of us wore the child-sized version at the beginning of each December. A wreath of double D batteries make your head ache after an hour. But you also get a basket full of pastries or butter cookies. Worth it.

LMac

@rachelrachel Remember when Kirsten's bestie DIED of cholera? And how I feared cholera for years? They really just jumped right in with the historical tragedies on that one.

whateverlolawants

@LMac I was thinking about that at work today!

youresmalltime

Kirsten getting A Ghost texts from Marta, y/n?

rachelrachel

@youresmalltime yes. yesyesyesyes.

anachronistique

@youresmalltime ....TEARS

TheLetterL

@youresmalltime Oh jeez, right in the feels. Maaaaaaartaaaaaa. D:

melis

It goes without saying, of course, that Kirsten and Molly are such nonentities that I could not imagine what they would have to say to anyone else. "I'm Molly, glasses glasses FDR, I'm allergic to everything, including my own allergies." "My hair has braids." THEY ARE NOTHINGS (They were the only two dolls I had. My sister had Samantha and Felicity and Addy. She also got the Felicity canopy bed with the red gingham drapings for her 8th birthday and I have her quoted as saying "Even now I am jealous of myself for getting that," so).

PatatasBravas

@melis But she has her English bombing friend! And there are victory gardens, come on.

rachelrachel

@melis And capture the flag and star spangled banner pageants and that bottle cap drive that blew the quilt makers OUT OF THE WATER. Oh, it's allllllll coming back to me now.

Dancercise

@rachelrachel
Even the quilt was her idea. They were making SOCKS. SOCKS! The hardest thing in the world (allegedly) to knit!

Dancercise

@PatatasBravas
And Boston brown bread made in a coffee can! And roller skates! And puppies!

PatatasBravas

@melis Maybe Kirsten wouldn't text (Singing Bird, after she leaves? Peter after he wrestles bees?). Maybe she would have a livejournal instead. She could write melancholy poems about the long Minnesota winter.

melis

Guys, I have to be honest, you are...not making a strong case for Molly not being boring.

rachelrachel

@Dancercise OH OF COURSE. Of course. Molly. So smart.

anachronistique

@Dancercise Socks are a motherfucker.

Queen Elisatits

@melis what about Molly's PIN CURLS??

melis

Okay I could maybe...MAYBE see a series of texts from Marcie from Peanuts and Velma and Molly just all being like "my feet hurt!!! have you seen my glasses? I think I have appendicitis!!! Wahh wahh wahhhhmp."

TheLetterL

@melis ...I had Kirsten and Molly. I feel sad and alone.

babs

@TheLetterL I had Molly, too. Mostly because she was the one who looked like me - glasses, braids, boring.

mc coolfriend

@TheLetterL For some reason, Kirsten was like, the business amongst my peers and at school. Kirsten and her St Lucia headdress. Everyone had her, and if they didnt, they wanted her. I came of age in Pleasant Companys heyday too--none of this interchangeable heads and kicky striped T shirt just like me dolls for me--so I know from my American Girl hierarchy. And so I can tell you w/authority that I cannot comfort you when it comes to Molly. Even when she Saved the Day the stakes werent all THAT high. All I remember her doing, really, was not eating turnips until her mom got home in one book and probably she had a crisis involving a fabric shortage for her pantyhose or something too didnt she?

TheLetterL

@mc coolfriend She also, uh, tap-danced really well. And had a Halloween costume made of newspaper or something. And convinced the other girls in her class that charity knitting socks was for chumps and they should turn their knitted squares into a blanket.

You know, the stuff of high drama.

whateverlolawants

@TheLetterL But you guys liked the part when her dad came home, right?

TheLetterL

@whateverlolawants Of course! Molly 4-Ever, even if her drama was more turnip-centered than best-friend-dying-of-cholera-centered.

editrickster

@TheLetterL I wanted a Kirsten so bad! She was from Sweden and made that horrible ocean journey on The Eagle. Then her friend died, and then, like all the Swedes that didn't go to Jamestown, NY, they went to Minnesota. Hopefully one of her eventual progeny was Betsy Warrington Ray, also from Minnesota.

And Molly had some shitty brothers and her aunt was a WASP!

nonvolleyball

as someone who owned (well, technically still owns) a Felicity doll, this spoke to me on so many levels.

Megasus

I don't get these (Canadian). We don't have our own special history dolls/books.

The Lady of Shalott

@Megano! They do have Dear Canada books, though, which are BOSS. (And in many cases actually much better than the Dear America books.) (Disclaimer: I am weirdly obsessed with these books.)

Megasus

@The Lady of Shalott I have never seen or heard of these books. TELL ME MORE!

The Lady of Shalott

@Megano! http://www.scholastic.ca/dearcanada/

They are awesome diary-style books for kids (I just happen to weirdly love them) about significant events in Canadian history. (And American history for the Dear America ones.) Some of them are WAY better than others, but they're all really good, accessible books about history, but they're not ABOUT history--they're about kids living through important times, you know? The one on the Halifax Explosion, the child labour one, the Home Child one, the war guests one, the WWI one, the Japanese internment one, the Ukrainian internment one, and the Titanic one are all especially awesome.

LindseyLeonard

@Megano! hahahahahaahah

youresmalltime

@The Lady of Shalott Oh my God I loved the Lenape captive one. Though now, looking back, the subject matter was a little troubling and it was one too many parts Dances with Wolves.

The Lady of Shalott

@youresmalltime I LOVED that one. I thought the subject matter was interesting--I used to love the book "Indian Captive" as a kid, though, too--but for heaven's sake "My Heart is On the Ground" by Ann Rinaldi was just a shitshow.

smidge

@The Lady of Shalott WHAT there was an Ann Rinaldi book I did not read as an angsty middle-schooler? That reminds me, I should snag all my Ann Rinaldis from my parent's house over the holidays.

The Lady of Shalott

@smidge Don't bother. It's called "My Heart Is On the Ground: The Diary of Nannie Little Rose" (I think) and it's awful. In every conceivable way, pretty much.

mousie housie

@The Lady of Shalott Was I the only one who found the filles de roi one both fascinating (she marries her best friend's dad!) and disturbing (she marries her best friend's dad?). I mean, props for historical accuracy, but boy was I not expecting that.

The Lady of Shalott

@mousie housie I thought that one was awesome in a) it was a really good story and also b) good for introducing kids to the idea that The Way Things Are Now Isn't Always The Way Things Have Been. Both accurate and mind-expanding AND a jumping-off point for historical discussion!

frigwiggin

And then Harriet drowned Addy and took her medal.

Lemonnier

@frigwiggin HOW DID ADDY GET THOSE HALF MOON-SHAPED BRUISES ON HER HANDS?

pearlforrester

@Lemonnier Oh, if only I could give you all the likes!!

large__marge

Ben/Felicity was my first-ever ship. Before I even knew shipping was a thing.

wee_ramekin

@large__marge Did you know that American Girl fanfiction is a Thing?

Of course it is.

You're welcome.

large__marge

@wee_ramekin I love that it's all Felicity fic.

automaticdoor

@wee_ramekin I MIGHT HAVE WRITTEN SOME. JUST SAYING. felicity/elizabeth foreva.

Is It a Hat?

You guys, recently my mom found my old Kirsten doll and her various accessories and outfits, and I'M SO TORN with what to do with it. I kind of want to sell it, as I could really use the money. But I also had to listen to my mom's stories about how she cleaned houses to earn extra money so I could get this awesome Christmas present. AND THIS POST IS BRINGING UP ALL SORTS OF AMERICAN GIRL RELATED MEMORIES. AHHHH!

the roughest toughest frail

@Is It a Hat? I just unearthed my old American Girl toys and I have no idea what to do with them either. I'm debating selling them, but I don't know what the going rates for a tiny violin (with sheet music and rosin!) and Samantha's sailor dress are.

professionalmess

@Is It a Hat? Right now I'm trying to imagine selling my American Girl and I think I would sob like a baby. Because I know that it cost so much more than a kid's doll ever should and we were poor and I remember my mom making me promise to take good care of her and brush her hair because all my Barbies had rat nests for hair. Ugh, feelings.

TheLetterL

@Is It a Hat? Maybe someday, but I can't imagine selling mine today. Of course, I may have to hide them, eventually. Apparently, my grandmother let really little me play with my mom's favorite childhood doll, and I kind of wrecked it. My mother has vowed revenge ever since.

sarahchristine

Addy's spelling-medal-shade-throwing is everything I hoped for when clicking on this link. My coworkers are used to my inappropriate laughing by now but I may have just disturbed a few.

polka dots vs stripes

I never had any of the dolls or accessories etc etc but man if I didn't learn almost everything I know about American History from American Girl books and those Dear America diaries - give me a girl/woman's point of view and I'll read about pretty much any period in history.

My college degree in history probably helped too, but we didn't read YA historical fiction, so it was infinitely more boring.

royaljunk

@polka dots vs stripes I was ALL ABOUT the Royal Diaries series. So good.

A. Louise

@royaljunk I always thought the Royal Diaries were the most elegant / expensive thing I owned because they were "gold" on the edges.

honey cowl

@polka dots vs stripes Yes Yes Yes, one time I even wrote my own Dear America. Just that cool.

polka dots vs stripes

@royaljunk @A. Louise I forgot about the Royal Diaries! I think I read the Marie Antoinette one?

The books were so grown-up because they had that ribbon bookmark! Plus the gold edge, and I don't think they ever came in paperback either? Now I want to re-read a bunch of them....

polka dots vs stripes

@LaurenF I have no doubt that I did too, and that I gave it some dramatic name, and just talked about going to school every day.

The Lady of Shalott

@polka dots vs stripes Dear America books had the ribbon bookmark, but the Royal Diaries ones had a gold-embossed edge and no bookmark. (I'm going to kill myself for knowing this now.)

AND they're slowly rebooting/relaunching the franchise but I'm super-bummed because instead of the awesome old covers with bits of old paintings, they're ugly new modern-looking paintings. Fail, Scholastic. http://www.scholastic.com/dearamerica/

whateverlolawants

@The Lady of Shalott I still have my Titanic one! I remember reading at least half of those. They were a great thing to move onto after one's American Girl fervor had quieted down.

Tafadhali

@The Lady of Shalott uggggggh those new covers. Hideous.

What have they done to Remember Patience Whipple, the progenitor of my lifelong obsession with Puritan names.

royaljunk

My parents never let me have an American Girl doll (they knew it was a moneymaking racket but that did not matter in the least to 9 year old me) though I think I subscribed to the magazine for a while?? I fiercely coveted the Felicity doll. Not even the doll so much as all the colonial doll furniture and pretend food you could buy for her.

Eventually I got to go to Colonial Williamsburg and that healed the wound. Kind of.

travelmugs

@royaljunk I was that girl who brought her Felicity doll to Colonial Williamsburg. While I was there, I ran into other girls who had their Felicity dolls out, and there was even a hierarchy among Felicity-owners as to who had recreated the best Revolutionary War-era hairstyles.

I had tried to crimp poor Felicity's hair earlier that year, so I was totally on the bottom of the Felicity-owner totem poll.

travelmugs

Also, the first time I heard someone casually mention Brooklyn Williamsburg I thought they were talking about Colonial Williamsburg, and I was really surprised about how great the food trucks and weird the performance art was supposed to be back in Felicity's home.

rachelrachel

@royaljunk I made my parents take no less than three family vacations to colonial Williamsburg just so I could do things like "OMG THIS IS WHERE FELICITY WENT TO SCHOOL." "GUYS. GUYS. GUYS. THAT'S GOVERNOR'S PALACE THAT'S GOVERNOR'S PALACE."

royaljunk

@travelmugs

aw dang!! I only got to go after American Girl's heyday so there weren't any girls with dolls (plenty of merch in the gift shop though). Now I feel cheated.

royaljunk

@rachelrachel "THERE'S THE POWDER MAGAZINE JUST LIKE IN HAPPY BIRTHDAY FELICITY OMGGGGG!!"

honey cowl

I had Felicity (because I have always wanted to be a redhead) and Kirsten (because I am actually pale & really fucking Swedish). My grandpa handmade me beds for them. I will pass them down to my daughters (or sons if I have sons, that's cool too). Also I still cannot believe my rather austere middle-class parents let me have not ONE but TWO American Girl Dolls! Livin' the dream.

OhMarie

@LaurenF Yeah, I was just thinking about Kirsten because I got her for Christmas when I was 7 (even though you were supposed to be 8--BIG DEAL) and it was so expensive that my parents tried to talk me out of it by saying it would be my only present that year. I stuck to it and I think they were impressed, because not only did I get the doll but a trunk with a bed that my Dad made, bedding my mom made, and a bunch of little dresses that my grandma and my mom's friend made. I made a joke upthread about selling her but I WOULD NEVER.

mc coolfriend

@LaurenF That is about what I came here to say, too. I had Felicity and Samantha, and we werent even THAT family (you know, the one with the girl who has all the dolls and all the accessories and like, the human size dresses for herself), but I got them! They had a bunch of knock off dresses made by some lady at a state fair booth though (they were actually very lovely and well made), so I guess I could have both dolls b/c my mom didnt get suckered on the accessories.
Eventually I got...someones (Samantha?) birthday set, w/all the little cakes and tea set and the fancy table and chairs. I think that was more for my mom b/c every year she would set them up in a beautiful Christmas tableau, until the year they were caught on film, mixed in w/the family photos, holding little tiny straws to their little tiny noses to inhale little tiny lines of powder off Samanthas dowager Grammas mahogany table. The family blamed me, but I...and I think you all too....know to blame Samantha, b/c which of us do you think it is more likely was the blowsy wannabe celebutante?

Amphora

@LaurenF Before they came out with those Lookin' Just Like You dolls I think all our parents just guessed which ones we'd like - so I got Samantha because she had brown hair and then the next year got Molly, more because my mom identified with her than anything else (she grew up in the 40s). But having two meant they had to share the same clothes and accessories, like the teeny tiny school desk with the little slate and chalk.

Amphora

@mc coolfriend Oh man the tiny tea set! Samantha had the best birthday stuff, and I blame her for my love of antique furniture to this day.

editrickster

@mc coolfriend DOWAGER GRANDMARY!

LindseyLeonard

I ALSO HAD THE IDEA TO DO A LIL HAIRPIN POSTY ABOUT AMERICAN GOIL DOLLS.

kellyography

These texts are AMAZING.

I never had an American Girl doll, but I had all the books up until...Josephina, maybe? By then I was a little too old for them, but my youngest sister got the bug, and eventually got an Elizabeth doll (Felicity's friend) because that is her name. I was like 23 at the time so I wasn't too jealous.

Queen Elisatits

@kellyography this is a safe space, you can admit you were pretty jealous.

wee_ramekin

@kellyography Yeah, you're not fooling any one, kellyopgraphy. We all see through your tough facade.

lobsterhug

I had Kirsten and Addy. The last time I was home, I found a condom in Addy's satchel.

Madeline Shoes

@lobsterhug this made my day. and i'm on vacation right now, so i wasn't even having a bad day.

wee_ramekin

MELIS.

If you were to write Felicity/Ben fanfic....

...I would read it.

#justsaying

melis

@wee_ramekin No.

wee_ramekin

@melis JUST SAYING.

The Attic Wife

OH MY GOD, THIS IS MAGIC.

Wear that medal, Addy. You wear the SHIT out of that medal.

Lucienne

@The Attic Wife Yes, that Addy texts are the best!

thatslikeyouropinionman

ohhhhmygoddd MELIS. I love you. This is perfect. You've made my day! Thank you...

Lucienne

I'm sort of disappointed Samantha isn't a bicurious flapper in these texts.

But . . . maybe I'm the only person who envisioned that future for her.

whateverlolawants

@Lucienne Nope, I never thought of it until now, but it seems like a likely future! I always liked Samantha, guys. Maybe it was because I was obsessed with the Victorian period (maybe still am) (maybe I am SO HAPPY that I now live in house built in 1896), but for a spoiled little rich girl, she had a pretty bad-ass life. I could see her supporting the Bread and Roses movement and women's suffrage and all sorts of progressive shit. Not sure if she'd give up her sweet digs, though.

HydrogenJukebox

Slow clap for all of this.

So! Anyone else part of the American Girl Historical Society? Cuz I was. Did all the required activities and got the certificate and everything. I should probably find and frame that shit.

Statham

Hahaha the spelling comment with the medal on the one dress. I chortled.

kasha

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