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I got a new phone after losing mine on New Year’s last year, and these are the last lines of every conversation I have saved in it.


Got my phonenumbeeeeer back!

What time you leaving? Quick drink before?

Great, thanks, it may be easier to just order some new pants though.




Sounds Great

Up to anything?

Awwwww. Leaving in 5


Ok. See you soon.

400 dollars


ok we’re home!


sounds good xoxox!



Got it

Aw ok


It was nice to meet you, thanks.

I was at that last week hope work schedule lets me go again


Def, have a good night


Ok lady!

I’m heading home


If you can come to the meating tonight, great.



I know it’s tough.

Somebody asked me if i knew how to breathe

back at you


feel better

30 days, that’s awesome!

hope I’ll see you around

call if you need to talk

Hey call anytime

this is sarah

this is tansy

annie, curly hair

hi it’s mel!


this is jean

Hi, it’s Carrie from the meeting

Nice to meet you to

yes it’s good to have balance

Hey Em thanks for checking in i appreciate it



thanks for texting, hope to see you soon.

eh not so hot, sunday is on though

most of my friends are in greenpoint and sort-of-park-slope


Sooooo cute.

yeah we should do that some time, hope you had a nice day!

Rita Hazan salon offers appointment alerts


couldn’t make today but hope to be back soon.


How are you doing? hurricaine survived?

hey!!! that’s amazing. conratulations xxxxxx

happy president forever officemates

linda ronstadt

think she is?

landscaping law


thank you!!!!

coming down

rest up! xo

will show her – she is coming tonight

Hi Carrie, your Uber is arriving now!

You too

U too

thank you hope all is well

Happy thanksgiving to you!

naps are up

awww, no playground then

too beat

ha! ok talk soon.

i did by accident, my phone dialed it while I was talking

up for squash?



Thanks :(

Great! Enjoy!

Oh my god so over it.

Hey stuck at work, hope you are good.

Take care, call or text when you want to figure out a time.

He made me drink green juice


sounds good have fun tonight!

running a few late, 5:45

proud to have that effect!

yup–have a great holiday!

i am coming home if you have not done the candles yet

hey went home early

my cousin is here

nice, we’re having a gus van sant marathon.

such good service.

good luck!




cool, thanks for speaking!

after the holiday yeah.

hanging in there, thanks

note date/time stamps

shoulder curse!

Oy vey

I;d like that


wow. i suspect he had a google alert

sorry, meant to message yesterday

oof. hope you are well.

I am afraid of a lot of people tho.

this is 100% sweet

not bad actually

late meetingtonight

get some rest, sweet dreams

oh yes

thanks, i;ll take you up on that

all i do is wrangle christmas

oh no, no way

she’s not sleeping with bartenders anymore



they’re all dickstupids in real life.

how’s the party?

you will have to have my fun for me



yes. worky work. work.

i remember filings

sounds tough. sweet dreams

stupid shoulder no fair random whine

not yet, unf, have fun

if you are lucky/unlucky, there won’t be a saturday to worry about.

glad things are ok with you guys

I think it’s good for me to make stuff.

Thank you

Not that that matters.

Previously: What Old Book Do I Read If … ?


Also, I wish I could tell you what old book to read, but the only thing I’ve read is a text message my friend got that said “you should come over suck my dick and then leave.” “And then leave.” I thought she should go. I mean, it’s not like anyone better is out there. Twenty-Twelve, the year that said “come over suck my dick and leave,” and we were like “sure.”

I wish I could tell you what old book to read, but I can’t read because I have a resistant staph infection colonizing my head. I got some fucked bug bite on my head this summer, and it got as big as a tennis ball, and I went to the doctor, and she gave me some crazy IV. Then I got a zit last week and it was getting weird, so I called her to see if I needed to keep an eye on it, and she was like, “oh yeah, sometimes when you get those resistant bugs they colonize you permanently.” Twenty-Twelve, the year that colonized our heads with germs that will outlive us. P.S. my hair fell out in that spot, wanna make out?

I wish I could tell you what old book to read, but I’m getting divorced so the only thing I read are Gchats I basically dictate to my friends and then fool myself into thinking they independently generated the sentiment where they tell me that everyone wants to date single moms with infected heads who work all the time and live with their parents. Twenty-Twelve, the year we all lived with our parents and forced our friends lie about our fuckabilitry.

I wish I could tell you what old book to read, but I started getting sober in August and that shit is taking up all my time.

Carrie Hill Wilner is in a cab, there in 10 xoxo


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