Thursday, December 13, 2012


Ryan Lochte: "I can teach you how to swim! Or just swim with you"

You can now buy time in the water with the astoundingly handsome and innocently repellant Olympic gold medalist Ryan Lochte, if you'd like. The offer appears to be redeemable at any point in the coming year, more or less, and the current offer is $9,500, although there are five more days left to bid ("estimated value: $20,000"). Lunch is apparently also included in the deal.


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I'm never going to be able to think of him as anything other than "Ryan Lochte, Sex Idiot."

And that makes me feel gross, on top of feeling gross for shamelessly objectifying him while also mocking him, on top of feeling gross for being so base as to want nothing more than do things to him that Nicki Minaj would refuse to sing about for being crass even though he is a total bro and the type of guy I've spent my entire post-pubertal existence fighting against.

...So I think actually swimming with him would be like swimming with dolphins? Maybe I should do that, resolve some feelings. Yeah.

ETA: I don't, in actuality, have a ton of feelings about Ryan Lochte, it just turns out the ones I do have are sort of dense and layered, like an awkward flourless cake.

fondue with cheddar

@MoxyCrimeFighter I've been living under a rock. Why is he a sex idiot?


@MoxyCrimeFighter - As an official diplomat from Dude-Nation, I'm going to give you permission to have objectifying feelings towards dudes based on their appearance. If you turned him down for a job, it would be because of the second word of "Sex Idiot", not the first, so it's all good.

So long as you treat actual dudes you meet like actual people, Dude-Nation (HERETOFORE known as DN) has passed a non-binding (unless you're into that kind of thing) resolution permitting the thinking of sexy thoughts (and the acting upon them in a consensual manner) with members of DN.

(Disclaimer: I don't actually think women need permission from dudes to think whatever in the world they want to think about them)

Lily Rowan

@fondue with cheddar here's why

fondue with cheddar

@Lily Rowan Haha, thanks. I've gotten behind on that show.


@MoxyCrimeFighter Speaking of dolphins, did you know Michael Phelps's arm span is three inches more than his height? And he’s double jointed in his ankles? It’s like a dolphin mated with a human.

Reginal T. Squirge

@leon s

For the record, I voted against this resolution.


@Lily Rowan "Ryan is my sex idiot" sounds perfectly reasonable in Nina Arianda's voice!


@meetapossum Ack, I can't say I did know that! That's...super weird. Didn't he sleep in a hyperbaric chamber to make him better at staying underwater for longer without needing to breathe? The transformation is almost complete!

@leon s Ha, thank you for the reassurance. It's one of those things where it's like, "Man, am I as gross as dudes? But dudes don't have to be gross, that's social conditioning! But maybe EVERYONE is gross and, in a way, dudes are living in a state of nature while women are arbitrarily expected to maintain a higher standard. So why shouldn't I indulge myself? But I'm a rational being, I can live up to Kantian ideals, I can be better! But do I need to be?" And then I just stare at his abs some more.

So yeah, as a representative of the Womenfolk, I'll agree with your resolution - private thoughts are private thoughts for a reason; as long as you have a healthy does of self-awareness and can outwardly behave like a person in a society, regardless, then it's good.


that was an amazing post@a

Lisa Frank

Is this for charity? Or just the start of his inevitable slide to gigolo-hood?


I would much rather have lunch with his mom.



I mean, if they're gonna give me lunch, sure.
Also, as long as he doesn't talk, I'd be happy to have him help me with my flip-turns **eyebrow waggle**

fondue with cheddar

@Ophelia Make sure he does the breaststroke.


@fondue with cheddar i'd be willing to let him freestyle.


@Ophelia Lunch? I'll take my sandwich... on Ry.



He's so hot right now. LOCHTE.


@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher LOCHTE.

I miss the Olympics. He's my favorite Dude Bro.


Hey, did you guys see the delightful Funny Or Die sketch with Ryan Lochte, Patrick Sewart, and Maisey Williams?


fondue with cheddar

You guys, I'm having so much trouble with hot, young, athletic guys now because my boyfriend has teenage/college age sons who are athletes and they wrestle and they wear those tight suits and some of them are really hot but they're my boyfriend's sons' age and they might be friends and now every time I see a dude like this I think of the sons and AGH I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FEEL.


@fondue with cheddar Ever seen The Graduate?

fondue with cheddar

@Emby Heh, right? But really, I don't need to give his ex wife any real reason to hate me (she has enough made-up reasons as it is). Though technically I guess it wouldn't matter at that point.


I am not buoyant and there is no hope teaching me how to swim, so we can replace that bit with something else.*

* Making out


Things I think of when I see Ryan Lochte:

1. Sex idiot
2. This story (no, it's not safe for work, yes, it involves a baby, yes it also involves fictional gay sex, yes, it is more enjoyable than it has any right to be)


@sophia_h oh, my.


@wearitcounts I don't even care about swimmers! And yet...


@sophia_h (may or may not have opened that at work, blithely ignoring your first warning, skimmed a third of the way through, went wide-eyed, closed it, and then immediately added it to my reader on my iphone.)


@wearitcounts haha, sorry about that! But even the safe-for-work parts are pretty great. I hate kidfic and I don't know these dudes at all, and yet. And yet,


@sophia_h i know he's the biggest juicebox dude bro but i can't help the feelings i have about ryan lochte. they come from parts that aren't my brain.

ayo nicole

Does the pool have a swim-up bar and/or pool noodles? That would put this whole experience over the top.

fondue with cheddar

@ayo nicole You just gave me a brilliant idea. A swim-up noodle restaurant called Pool Noodles. Someone make this happen.

New Hoarder

@fondue with cheddar Staffed entirely by retired Navy SEALS and/ or off-season water-polo players, all trained in French/ Asian fusion chefery.

New Hoarder

@fondue with cheddar Also I was gonna say Lochte could be a swim-up waiter, but I really think he could only be trusted to refill (non-chlorinated) water glasses.

fondue with cheddar

@New Hoarder OOOOH. Okay, you're definitely in charge of hiring.


@fondue with cheddar - Can there also be a floating billiards table?

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