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Tuesday, December 18, 2012

78

Reading Between the Texts: The Best/Worst Texts We Got This Year

The Texts

2:30 a.m.
Him: I find myself still attracted to you but I’m glad I was able to come talk to you tonight.
R: Well I’ll always have a little crush on you too, but I’m glad we could talk and that you’re happy.
Him: If I’m honest I don’t know if I would have had the resolve to say no if the attempt had been made to take things further.

9:20 a.m.
Him: But you can do way better.

The Analysis

K: Hahahahaha wow I am going to slay the whole solar system.
R: We seriously never have a punching bag around here, anywhere.
K: I can’t take it. I can’t take it. Feel my pulse.
R: It feels normal basically.
K: Like, why does the couple that jet-skied themselves to death on their honeymoon from that TLC show have to die but this ENGAGED asshole piece of shit gets to live?
R: Arghh nooo, don’t bring them up, it’s too much.
K: It’s like, A, not only is he suggesting cheating was on the table and B, insinuating that YOU would be the one to INITIATE the cheating, he is ALSO, C, passive-aggressively asking you to compliment him.
R: I know. He thinks I won’t say “You’re right.”
K: Sometimes I don’t think they know that we KNOW. Anything!
R: Everyone is the dumbest person I’ve ever met.
K: Exactly. But … also. You know you should NOT have said you’d always have a crush on him. Right?
R: I mean, NOW, yes. I don’t know how I’m supposed to know what’s wrong to say until I’ve already tested it out loud. 

***

The Texts

L: Why did you kiss me?

L: Ahhh, I guess I drank too much last night. Sorry about that first message.
Him: Haha, you had me worried.

The Analysis

K: You can’t just always ask people questions you want their answers to!
L: I knowww, I just keep forgetting.
K: Ohhh my gooddddd, I’m sooooo embarrassed.
L: What? What about ME in this situation?
K: I feel like I really might be more embarrassed than you though, right now.
L: It was really late. I was delirious!
K: You went to bed at like, midnight.
L: Well. Are you the Bedtime Texting Enforcement Police now? It was twelve-THIRTY.
K: Ughhhh I would really love that career.
L: I still think he could have responded with more than he did.
K: Well yeah. But you need to stop re-falling in love with everyone from your past, because they are unilaterally super-dumb enemies of the state. And YES, perhaps, I need to stop falling in love with imaginary people from my future. Hot strangers I see once. Where do they go?
L: Right. Good. Except then what's left?

 ***

The Text

Him: Are you gonna be home tonight? Or are you staying over anywhere else?

The Analysis

C: What the SHIT? Look at THIS —
K: What do I keep telling you about boy roommates?
C: That’s not the point! Listen —
K: Nothing good comes of sharing living quarters with those. Sorry, continue.
C: Okay, I saw him with MARIE, like two seconds ago. He’s asking me this because he wants to know if he can sleep with her at our place without witnesses! Again! EVEN though she is back with her boyfriend, and everyone knows this!!!
K: Ahhh are you sure? It is sort of nice he thinks you might have somewhere else to go. Do you want to sleep over?
C: I know, ugh. But okay, when they did this the first time, ALL the first times, I said nothing. But, but … fool ya twice, he’s a … uhhh?
K: No, yep, that’s the whole saying. “Fool ya twice!”
C: Anyway. If you are going to date someone, you only get THAT ONE! You don't get to have TWO when the rest of us have NOTHING.
K: Just sleep over.

***

The Texts

Him: don’t forget your roots
K: Haha I know. I miss it there! I hope you’re doing well and happy in your fancy new apartment.
Him: [Nothing]

The Analysis

R: What does that even mean really?
K: I THOUGHT it meant “hi, how are you,” or like “hello, I miss you in a friend way but also maybe in a friendly make-out way that we are both fine with, like there is not too much tongue or any confusing add-on activities.”
R: Maybe he meant your hair. Haha. Sorry, omg, sorry. Ugh.
K: What’s ESPECIALLY great is that I would not have cared about not hearing from him UNTIL he texted me and I replied and then he DIDN’T RESPOND.
R: He’s so hot and stupid.
K: Every time I send a text I feel like those people who sent a time capsule of Mozart music or whatever into outer space. Like, “Wow, they’ll really appreciate this I think.” Only everyone out there who just watches it float by is like, “Ummmm there is so much other space stuff that is a priority.”
R: Are you going to bed already?
K: I’m going to my room to stare.

 

Previously: "Are you familiar with the Myers-Briggs personality assessment?"

Katie Heaney lives in Minneapolis and STILL writes the most beautiful goddamn text messages that the world has ever not responded to. She’s now an editor at BuzzFeed, and her first book, 'Never Have I Ever,' comes out early 2014.



78 Comments / Post A Comment

terrific

K: Every time I send a text I feel like those people who sent a time capsule of Mozart music or whatever into outer space. Like, “Wow, they’ll really appreciate this I think.” Only everyone out there who just watches it float by is like, “Ummmm there is so much other space stuff that is a priority.”

YES

Lila Fowler

@terrific "But you need to stop re-falling in love with everyone from your past, because they are unilaterally super-dumb enemies of the state. And YES, perhaps, I need to stop falling in love with imaginary people from my future. Hot strangers I see once. Where do they go?"

GET OUT OF MY HEAD, KATIE HEANEY

frigwiggin

@terrific This is a thing that many of us have experienced, I think. (I would probably experience it less if I put less weight on everything that I tried to share with people. I should just send it breezily into the aether and forget about it, right? And then be pleasantly surprised if anything comes back?)

teaandcakeordeath

@frigwiggin
"I would not have cared about not hearing from him UNTIL he texted me and I replied and then he DIDN’T RESPOND."

This and exactly this. Why text if you dont want a response. Is it a mean trick?

Hamburger Hot Dog

@Lila Fowler Yes! I was just going to write the same thing! It merits exclamation points!

Reginal T. Squirge

@terrific

Whoa. Everything I've ever said is Mozart in a time capsule.

Beatrix Kiddo

R: did you reply, "you're right"? Because if not, you should.

glitterary

@Beatrix Kiddo Oh god, yes. I know someone exactly like the dude from that first exchange and he needs/they both need someone to tell him he ain't all that. And a slap. I volunteer!

Emby

I've both given and received some real doozies that could compete with the best of these. Drunk + being 22 years + lonely [equals] some bad text messaging behavior.

ETA: So for some reason whenever I use an equal sign, it deletes part of my message. Anyone know what's going on with that?

fondue with cheddar

@Emby Don't take this the wrong way, but...the equals sign is right next to the delete key.

highfivesforall

@Emby Are you going to share?

Yarnybarny

@fondue with cheddar
You win. I was laughing so hard I almost spit up my soup.

null

I don’t know how I’m supposed to know what’s wrong to say until I’ve already tested it out loud.

YUP.

bitzyboozer

@klaus Yeah but...in this case???

mystique

@klaus Always true, man! I won't know how to deal with a situation until after the situation. Per Terry Pratchett, "Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom."

Something to keep in my head when I'm lightly banging it against a desk.

teaandcakeordeath

@klaus
I have done exactly this just now. It seemed like such a hilarious comment until 0.001 seconds after pressing 'send'.

gobblegirl

Katie, you played the last one like a pro - classy, aloof, and subtly implying that you're lucky to have gotten away and that you don't pity him too much for not being able to do the same because you're sure that this is what he wanted and it's good for him, right?
It's perfect.

shannanigans

Katie Heaney needs to run a late night hotline where we send her our baffling text conversations and she analyzes them for us. She can charge by the minute. I will gladly give her my credit card number.

SuperGogo

"R: Maybe he meant your hair. Haha. Sorry, omg, sorry. Ugh."

I feel you, R. Making dumb jokes when my friends need sympathy/listening/understanding is pretty much my MO.

yrouttasight

@SuperGogo Augh! I do this, too. God forbid things get too real in here, amiright?

...it's a wonder that I even have friends.

kati14

Yaaay the texts are back. More of these! They mirror my life far too closely.

ohnoohno

@kati14 I also love these, though they don't mirror my life at all.

iceberg

These are my favorite thing on the entire internet, no exaggerato. These dudes, WTF???!!! I haaaate the "re-initializing contact only to disappear into the ether once you've responded" tactic.

theharpoon

@iceberg But then it's a problem if they don't too, because what if you're a compulsive text-answerer and maybe they feel bad about not responding since they started the text convo and then it just goes on and on uuuuugh

Eventually I stop responding in these situations with my one ex who randomly texts me, but then I feel a little bad.

iceberg

@theharpoon "compulsive text-answerer" *puts hand up* yes! I cannot leave a text or chat message unanswered. I can leave phone calls missed for eons.

heyhaley

Kaaaaatie I love your text message posts. Kaaaaaaatie where should I live in Minneapolis. I know these things are unrelated, but!!!

Katie Heaney

@heyhaley email me! katieheaney at gmail dot com (why do people write out the symbols, is it a thing, i'm only doing it to seem like i know)

Punk-assBookJockey

@Katie Heaney I always assumed it was so the bots don't getcha.

gobblegirl

@Katie Heaney It's so the webcrawlers can't find it and use it for spam!

highfivesforall

@Katie Heaney It's so that robots have a harder time finding your email and sending you spam! But the robots have evolved, so it probably doesn't help too much at this point.

ETA: aaaaaand that's what I get for not refreshing.

Katie Heaney

@highfivesforall haha cool. thank you helpful citizens!

Katie Heaney

@heyhaley also uhhh omg i literally got my own email wrong? it's ktheaney at gmail dot com. ugh ugh ugh ugh

packedsuitcase

@Katie Heaney You are now my favourite.

MissMushkila

@heyhaley I do not share Katie's text analysis brilliance, but I do live in Minneapolis! I live in Northeast and I love it more than anywhere else I've lived. Other places I have lived include: near dinkytown, uptown, and just over the border into St. Paul (off of Como). If you want to know about any of those places.

wee_ramekin

@MissMushkila ....Is there really a part of Minneapolis called "Dinkytown"?

If so, I want to live to there.

Katie Heaney

@wee_ramekin there is! and it's a great place to live IF you are exactly between the ages of 18 and 22!

heyhaley

@Katie Heaney I did the dumb thing where I made a Hairpin comment and forgot to check up on it to see if it got replies! I'm gonna email you right now!

heyhaley

@MissMushkila I want to know about evvvvery place. It looks like I might be working in Blaine so I'm a little iffy on where I SHOULD live, because I WANT to live in Downtown, Uptown, Loring Park, somewhere right in the middle of things. Buuuuuut, commute. Bleh.

fabel

READING BETWEEN THE TEXTSSSS<3

fabel

But omg, firstdude. You suck!

wee_ramekin

@fabel Yup. Indubitably, undoubtedly, and unmitigatedly so.

Yarnybarny

Yay! I love Reading Between the Texts! And I'm excited for your book, Katie! Will it be a book full of text analysis? Because I am willing to preorder now.

Katie Heaney

@Yarnybarny it isn't! it's a memoir about crushes, though, so it's very related and analyze-y, and there is some texting IN it! and thank you!

theharpoon

@Yarnybarny These posts do give new meaning to the term 'textual analysis.' I can't wait to tell my advisor this is the new research method that I'm going to learn.

mystique

@Katie Heaney A memoir of crushes! Are you publishing my thoughts?

But seriously, can I buy it right now and read it?

Katie Heaney

@mystique you can in february 2014! allegedly that date will come "sooner than I think"

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

I did need my roots touched up, thanks for the reminder.

TARDIStime

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll
Read with Australian slang in mind, "Don't forget your roots" has some interesting connotations...

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@TARDIStime
Help! I know no Australian slang??

TARDIStime

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll
rooting = sexing. ;-)

TN
TN

Between this and yesterday's Lazy Man's Guide to Seducing Women post, it feels like Long, Hard Look in the Mirror Week at the Hairpin. I think I need to talk to some cake about this. (Seriously though, I've missed reading between the texts so much!)

mystique

@TN It reminds me of that article about how the person's therapist requested they "change their personality." It's the reason why the Hairpin is the best!

Pygmalion

@TN seriouslyyyyyy. Both of the posts are comforting because it reminds me that it's not only the guys I deal with who are like this, but not so comforting because what if all guys are like this?!

calamity

OMG IT'S BACK!!!! Reading Between the Texts, please don't ever leave me again <3

HeyThatsMyBike

Who are the TLC jetski people and why did I not already know about them?

ann aunamis

@HeyThatsMyBike I came in here to ask that. Tried Googling it already.

HeyThatsMyBike

@ann aunamis Me too!

Toastface Killah

Oof. OOF.
This post just might be my entire life summarized.
Also, in my experience, boy roommates really are more trouble than they're worth. Especially when they're banging people that annoy you.

tegrr

@Toastface Killah
Perhaps, but I have 4 boy roommates and they are kind of the best ever.

Toastface Killah

@tegrr Oh, I certainly believe that there are good boy roommates out there! I just didn't happen to have them back when I found myself living with boys. And I was so excited, too... then it just devolved into a bunch of dirty dishes and unpaid bills and "OH MY GOD WHY IS YOUR GIRLFRIEND SO ANNOYING".
...I think that my living alone now is probably the best thing for everyone.

mystique

Is it bad that I hope I get some of these texts in the future so I can be like, "What are you doing? What does this even mean? I don't get you."

Bloodrocuted

@mystique At least not uncommon? I like to live vicariously through the tragic texts of my girl friends.

Lili L.

I love reading these. So much.

iheartoxytocin

This is my favorite series! Every time, I can hear my girlfriends and I saying the same things.
Also, "K: Sometimes I don’t think they know that we KNOW. Anything!"
RIGHT? Like the other night I was hanging out with my friend A and this dude S was offering to finally drop off some pants he'd had at his house (they barely have a history together; don't ask). ANYWAY, he said "oh I can bring them by in 45 minutes," and A responded, "Perfect, you should totally stop by. Oxy (as in me) and I are just having a couple drinks at my place and catching up." He immediately responds, "Oh well I don't want to interrupt; I can bring them some other time." I'd like to note that he's had the pants for OVER A YEAR and every time she's like "just leave them on my porch b/c I'm not there" he says no. And if he was just going to swing by to drop off pants he wouldn't presumably interrupt our catching up session.
But really, such an obvious attempt at a booty call minus the follow-through.
And he's CONVINCED we don't know.

iheartoxytocin

@iheartoxytocin And this ended up way longer than I intended.

Oops.

Ham Snadwich

@iheartoxytocin - "Perhaps I should clarify. I want to come over and drop *my* pants. The bit about your pants was a transparent excuse. I can see how there was some confusion."

chickaboom

"You can’t just always ask people questions you want their answers to!" Yes. I always forget this. Textssss ugh

mystique

@chickaboom But also, there's a part of me that goes, BUT WHY NOT? Maybe it's because I have actually asked that question, in a Facebook message. The answer he gave me was, "I'm awkward," which is probably the best anyone can ask for.

Aphrodite

Can we please have these more often? <3

PomoFrannyGlass

1. "Confusing add-activities" is the greatest phrase I have read today.
2. I love Reading Between the Texts, but am ashamed of that love, because I am more than a full decade older than Katie Heaney (I think? She is in college, yes?) and probably shouldn't relate as hard as I do.
3. You sweet young thangs who think you can't just always ask people questions you want their answers to? INCORRECT. You can, and you should, and if they don't answer, you should stop kissing them.

Katie Heaney

@PomoFrannyGlass no shame lady! i'm 26! i just have the love life of (at best) a 19 year old

emily eileen

I will totally read the shit out of Katie Heaney's book.

PomoFrannyGlass

@Katie Heaney Look at you with your kind and attentive replies to all of us! So good! (Sorry I made an assumption about your age, my gauge for these things is way off.)
Mostly though I'm replying to say OMG YOUR MEMOIR YAAAAAY! Congratulations!

FickleMoon

"And YES, perhaps, I need to stop falling in love with imaginary people from my future. Hot strangers I see once. Where do they go?"
YES. THIS.
Where are you, beautiful boy strangers? Why don't you come back for me?

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