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Wednesday, December 5, 2012

25

Lemon Cookies With Bubblegum Vodka Glaze

Have you ever had a realization, usually sparked by something small, that nearly reduces you to tears over how incredible humans are? That the existence of some bizarre thing we've created proves how silly and creative and purely beautiful we are? This happens to me a lot. I watch a YouTube video of a man playing clarinet while covered in bees, or listen to a song about thrift shopping, or look at the photo my dad texted me of his garden gnome, and I cry because humans are so weird. All of us. We are entirely united in our weirdness.

This recently happened to me while thinking about Bubblegum Vodka. 

Unlike the other liquors I've used so far, Bubblegum Vodka does not make sense. I do not think bubblegum existed when vodka was created. Unlike chocolate and red wine, for instance, there isn't a longstanding culinary tradition that pairs these flavors. But somebody, somewhere (perhaps at the Georgi corporation) was weird enough to think this would be a perfect product. Thought it out, fought for it, made sure it hit the shelves. So thank you, fellow human, for your weird idea. It greatly helps this other weird human, attempting to make a name for herself by baking with strange things.

Similarly, I'd like to thank all the weird people who've kept this product on the shelves until now. Those who mixed this with grenadine and lemonade and 7-UP, poured the bitch into a martini glass and garnished it with Bazooka Joe. Who made Bubblegum Russians and Bubbletinis and Boo-Berry Bubbles and confirmed that lemon was probably the best complimentary flavor. It is because of you that nobody here is reading about Penne a la Bubblegum. And so:

Lemon Cookies with Bubblegum Vodka Glaze (adapted from Martha Stewart)

These cookies are pretty straightforward, and do well without the glaze. Preheat oven to 350. In one bowl, mix your dry ingredients (2 cups flour, 1/2 teaspoon salt, 1/2 teaspoon baking soda, 1 tablespoon lemon zest). In another, beat 1 stick of unsalted butter with 1 cup granulated sugar. Add 1 egg, 1 teaspoon vanilla extract, and 2 tablespoons of lemon juice, and beat until all fluffy. Slowly beat in your dry ingredients, then drop the dough by tablespoons, about an inch apart, on your cookie sheets. Bake 15-20 minutes until edges are golden. What a nice cookie.

Then, you'll take 2 cups of confectioners' sugar, 2 tablespoons of lemon zest, and 1/3 cup of bubblegum vodka and whisk those together. Arrange your cookies on a wire rack with some parchment paper underneath (to catch the drops) and drizzle this glaze over them.

***

Okay, so this whole thing started out as a weird joke about making gross stuff with products that really shouldn't exist. And now? Well, now it's turned into making some damn good desserts. Because even though the glaze alone tastes like that bubblegum fluoride foam your dentist made you sit with while he distracted you with magic tricks (did no one else's dentist do this?), the combination totally works! Again! Of course, I'm sure the second I turn over this new leaf and dedicate myself to thinking these recipes through and finding the best possible vehicles for these flavors, the whole thing will fall apart and I'll make something gross. But I'm gonna try, guys. For you.

Bonus: As a fun prank, leave the glaze-splattered wire rack out overnight on the kitchen counter. The next morning your boyfriend will wake up earlier than you to make coffee, and pop a droplet of dried glaze off as a sugary snack. "OH NO, I FORGOT," you'll hear him scream from the kitchen, followed by noises that roughly onomatopoeiate to "uuuahlllllhhhhhh." It's a lovely way to start your Saturday.

Previously: The ChocoVine Chocolate Red Wine Cake.

Jaya Saxena is wondering why these concoctions aren't grosser.

25 Comments / Post A Comment

fondue with cheddar

WHAT.

This sounds ridiculous but also delicious. I had no idea that bubble gum vodka existed, but now I want to experiment with beverages. I miss college parties, because making drinks with my friends as guinea pigs was so much fun.

BattyRabbit

@fondue with cheddar Somewhat related: marshmallow vodka mixed with Coca-Cola tastes like candy. Pass it on.

fondue with cheddar

@BattyRabbit Ooh, that sounds like it might actually make Coke worth buying (I'm not a cola fan).

pajamaralls

@BattyRabbit Similarly, cupcake vodka mixed with Dr. Pepper tastes like cake batter.

fondue with cheddar

@pajamaralls I don't even drink anymore but I WANT THAT.

pajamaralls

@fondue with cheddar It's good. I was skeptical when my friend started making drinks with it, but it was fun. Italian sodas and cupcake vodka is also a tasty combo.

Matthew Lawrence@twitter

My 62-year old trucker father is a big bubblegum vodka fan. Also, he's a big fan of latter-day Cher. Which is similar.

Probs

@Matthew Lawrence@twitter your dad sounds cool. One of the regulars at the tobacconist in my college town was this huge, white-handlebar-mustachioed biker dude named Digger, who walked around drinking 40s of Smirnoff Ice. Girly drinks/manly men is sort of a Thing.

spillikin

i used to work in a bar where all the patrons loved bubblegum vodka shots. loved them. any time someone ordered a round it was like a cork had been popped. everyone had to have one (or two, or four). the sugar was worse than the vodka for hangovers. we used vodka shaken with bubblegum syrup, though - i didn't know bubblegum vodka actually existed.

Reginal T. Squirge

Sounds like you had the best dentist ever. Like, you hit the dentist lottery.

 
Jaya

Wait no! Where did the comment about my name sounding trumpets go!?

Barry Grant

@Jaya
If it makes you feel any better, I read this only because of your name. You're going to have trouble topping Qream though.

Kristen

@Jaya ahahahahaa that was my comment! and I deleted it cause I had this weird moment of doubt, like, what if people are always falling over themselves over her name and she's sick of it and thinks "All I want is for people to focus on my writing and stop obsessing over how cool my name is." But I do love it and there will always be trumpets sounding in my head when i read it. JAYA SAXENNNNNNA!

frigwiggin

It's okay, Thrift Shop makes me cry too.

PatatasBravas

@frigwiggin Cry THROUGH THE DANCING?

City_Dater

Somewhere, the Georgi employees who dreamed this stuff up after doing shots through mouthfuls of classic Bazooka Joe and thinking, "huh, this is kind of good,in a disgusting way" are smiling and high-fiving.

George Templeton Strong

I thought the point of vodka was that it should be flavorless and odorless so that your boss/coworkers/tea-totaling family members can't tell that you've had a couple when you speak to them? (Unless you're slurring, of course.)

George Templeton Strong

@George Templeton Strong Wait, what am I thinking? Bubble gum vodka, if you can stomach it, is actually genius. As you converse in an especially animated way and suspicions are aroused your audience will think "I guess it's just Bubble Yum I'm smelling..."

Hellcat

All I know is that the very thought of bubble-gum vodka makes my stomach turn. Actually anything to do with gum at all, to be honest, but especially that one. Maybe the whipped-cream vodka would make a nice cookie ingredient though...

Nutmeg

My store's assistant manager always plays the same satellite radio station and that song plays at least once per every shift I have with him.

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