Get This Look: Water Birds

1. Puffins

In addition to being a most delicious breakfast cereal, Puffins are aquatic birds of the genus Fratercula. In addition to being a latinate word that could double as an onomatopoeic descriptor of a wet fart, Fratercula means ‘little brother.’ Take a minute to register how adorable that is, and then I’ll tell you that it’s ‘brother’ as in ‘monk,’ because of their black and white plumage. Tiny adorable monks who dive into the water to eat the tiny fishes that sustain them! During the time of year that’s the sexiest for them, they grow a secondary, multicolored beak that falls away when mating is over. I’m circling a joke about horniness here, but I think it’s probably best to leave it.

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GTL - Puffin

GTL – PuffinStrawbery Red White and Blue Lollipop / Sara Kety Baby & Kids ‘Tuxedo’ Footie (Infant) Black 3M

2. Swans

Swans act like they’re all that, with their necks and their feathers, but really they’re very closely related to geese. So the next time a swan is all “Bitch please, I’m fancy, the Queen of England will hunt you down for even throwing shade my way,” you can straight up call it a goose, and it can’t say anything back. In a continuing bid to appear superior, they call their babies cygnets, and if you displease them will hiss at you. And if you’re a black lab and you decide to swim out to frolic joyously with them, they’ll beat you with their wings, which, frankly, you had coming. Their legs are gray unless you’re in South America, in which case they’re pink. And if you see a group of them flying while you’re on a date, point and say, “Look, a bevy of swans!” Because that’s grammatically correct, and will make you seem sexy and learned.

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GTL - Swan

GTL – Swan featuring ted baker / Falke cable tight / McQ by Alexander McQueen pointed toe flat / Chain necklace

3. Flamingos

Did you know that there are flamingos in Peru? Because there are! Such enigmatic behavior! Which is appropriate, given that they’re commonly called the “I Don’t Even Know” of the aquatic bird universe. Who are they are related to? A lot of birds, maybe, posit a lot of scientists. Maybe grebes? Maybe not, though! They like to stamp in the mud to dredge up food, those filthy mud lovers. Speaking of feet — why do they stand on one leg? “The world may never know,” says another depressed ornithologist. The internet claims it’s because it puts half of their body to sleep, but what does the internet know? We do know why they’re pink and orange, though: It’s because of the beta carotene and bacteria in the food they eat! From stuff like brine and shrimp! I feel so good knowing something now. Also, in ancient Rome their tongues were considered to be a delicacy equivalent to modern-day white truffles, and Egyptians thought they were the living embodiment of Ra, which, whatever, because ancient Egyptians also thought cats were gods, and I caught my cat staring at the wall for a full 20 minutes this morning.

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GTL - Flamingo

GTL – Flamingo featuring Joseph long sleeve top, $370 / Wallis hot pink pants / Post earrings / Erno Laszlo beauty product

Previously: Rainforest Animals.

Rebecca Jane Stokes is a writer living in Brooklyn. She’s an editor at Fempop, and spends a large amount of her time pretending to be a mildly evil cat on the internet.

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