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Wednesday, December 19, 2012

86

Euphemisms for "Rich" and "Thin" in the Personals Section of the Latest Harvard Magazine

Rich:

1. "Professional"
2. "Harvard Business School grad"
3. "Professional"
3. "Professional"
4. "Generous"
5. "Well-off with metro and oceanfront homes"
6. "You are someone who loves global travel."
7. "Philanthropy executive"
8. "...anywhere Italy, the Southwest, escapes to Berkshires homes..."
9. "Financially comfortable lifestyle"
10. "Accomplished professionally"
11. "Professional, accomplished"
12. "Former Silicon Valley CEO"
13. "Just back from two weeks photographing wildlife in Botswana, off to the Congo this winter."
14. "Local and European museums"
15. "Seeking...financially stable man"
16. "Successful"
17. "Financial entrepreneur, art collector, tennis player, world traveler"
18. "Successful surgeon"
19. "Distinguished, successful"
20. "Successful"
21. "Passion for travel (especially Paris/Provence)"
22. "Featured in two HBS case studies"
23. "Accomplished"
24. "Executive"

Thin:

1. "Fit"
2. "Slim, fit"
3. "Fit"
4. "Fit"
5. "Slim"
6. "Swimmer's build"
7. "Slender build"
8. "Lithe"
9. "Slender"
10. "Slim"
11. "Fit"
12. "Fit"
13. "You: ...very slender"
14. "Seeks...thin."
15. "Fit"
16. "Fit"
17. "Fit"

However, mad ups to "No longer a babe, but not an old bag."



86 Comments / Post A Comment

sheistolerable

I swear this site is INSIDE MY HEAD.

Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood

what a crop of shitheads

a small sea

@Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood Yeah, super gross.

RubeksCube

Has anyone created a Personals Ads Bingo yet? Can that become a thing? Because I would play it.

area@twitter

Who would I have to bribe to get "bootylicious" in there as a descriptor?

EpWs

@area@twitter Bribe Nicole. She can put one in there as a grand experiment.

area@twitter

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher Nicole: Name your price, and I shall do my utmost to meet it.

Nicole Cliffe

@area@twitter But can I manage to insert 'meow' AND 'bootylicious,' is the question...

area@twitter

@Nicole Cliffe DO IT DO IT

OhMyGoshYouGuys

Pretty sure I'd loathe the company of every one of these people. I kinda want that one lady's recipe for "killer meringue chocolate chip cookies". Although they probably have a pretentious aftertaste.

ourlightsinvain

Is there literally anything funnier than Ivy league kids?

Mira

@ourlightsinvain No. No, there isn't.

Tulletilsynet

@ourlightsinvain
When you're among them, nearly anything is funnier.

ourlightsinvain

@Tulletilsynet Oh man, but the memoir you'll write someday.

Tulletilsynet

@ourlightsinvain
I'm past the age for memoir-writing.

redheaded&crazy

Am I one to turn my nose up at a metro AND beachfront property?

...

...

...

What's his email?

meetapossum

@redheaded&crazie I also like both local and European museums.

Mira

@meetapossum But have you lived internationally?

meetapossum

@Mira I know that's a joke, but I actually have. :/

mlle.gateau

@Mira No, but I am a leggy blonde.

tea sonata

Personal ads everywhere have their own wanky little codes. In a way it's quite impressive how open and unimaginative they are with theirs, considering how small the monetary gene pool is.

Megoon

Are these actually euphemisms? "Slim" isn't exactly a vague, elliptical reference to "thin."

Shit look at this nitpicking about stupid academic minutiae! Did I go to Harvard or something?! (I did not). In any case, "featured in two HBS case studies" is my favorite.

Tuna Surprise

12. "Former Silicon Valley CEO"
15. "Seeking...financially stable man"
22. "Featured in two HBS case studies"

Some of these seem to be euphemisms for want-to-be-rich or formerly-rich.

Tulletilsynet

@Tuna Surprise
So much simpler if HBS case studies linked to the entrepreneurs' dating profiles.

Tuna Surprise

@Tulletilsynet
But what if it was a HBS case study because the business FAILED. All three of those statements I posted could be from the pets.com former CEO. (And I say this, unironically, as a woman who will only marry again if it's for money).

http://hbr.org/product/pets-com-inc-rise-and-decline-of-a-pet-supply-reta/an/909A21-PDF-ENG

Tulletilsynet

@Tuna Surprise
But failed rich people clump to still-rich people just like cat litter.

anachronistique

escapes to Berkshires homes

And everybody who lives there hates you.

melis

#doubleivy

EpWs

@melis ahhhhhhhhh

melis

@redheaded&crazie Just went back and reread that thread to see if what was as good as I remember. It was.

EpWs

@melis Link plz.

melis

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher We're monsters.

Mira

@melis Oh please, all Our Sort know Cornell doesn't count. It's land grant.

area@twitter

@melis Forehead, meet your old friend desk. It's good to be together again. The casual DOUBLE IVY, Jesus.

(Embarrassing Truth: I heard "Double Ivy" and thought it had to do with Beyonce and Jay-Z's kid. But then again I don't know how to wear boat shoes either.)

MollyculeTheory

@Mira I mean, you have the Ivies and the Lesser Ivies, and then you have Cornell. It's like, if Harvard were a gorilla and Brown a gibbon, Cornell would be an old world monkey.

Faintly Macabre

@melis And the tumblr response (I don't have even one Ivy, but I've lived near two, so I got through the firewall) includes "i pronounce foreign loan words correctly because i’ve lived abroad [emphasis added]"

It's like she saw into the future!

Judith Slutler

@Faintly Macabre tumblr response???

Faintly Macabre

@Emmanuelle Cunt Yeah, she linked to it in her reply to that thread. It's full of gems like "i know it’s not going to happen but i solipsistically wish the internet was more academically rigorous."

anachronistique

@Faintly Macabre Right? That was PRECIOUS.

theotherginger

@area@twitter thank you for reposting this thread. that was from a time when I did not yet read the pin. that time may have involved more dissertating, but, whatever.

EpWs

@theotherginger That time also involved Melis dissertating, apparently. MELIS, how did your defense goooooo?

par_parenthese

@Faintly Macabre Oh my giddy... "I pronounce foreign loan words correctly" could not be more smug. A) What, like as opposed to those many domestic loanwords? and B) "Correctly" is relative, bitch, do not come at me with your over-emPHAsis because I will come right back at you with linguistics, mmkay, and if you pronounce "cafe" like you're ordering une tasse of it in Paris I will tear you limb from limb WITH THESE HANDS. THESE HAAAAAAANDS.

mlle.gateau

@melis Thank you for reposting this. I somehow missed it the first time, and even this time, I read the comment and her blog post, and half the thread before I realized that this propermake person is... sincere? HOW CAN YOU BE THAT UN-SELF AWARE AND READ THEHAIRPIN?!

EDIT: Sorry, probably slow on the uptake since I'm not even single-ivy. All that extra sleep, you know.

wee_ramekin

@par_parenthese THESE KNIVES!!!

T A@twitter

@Faintly Macabre Did the person who wrote that really fail to use the subjunctive? Idiot.

frigwiggin

Lithe, like ze ferret.

Bittersweet

@frigwiggin Brain twins!

teaandcakeordeath

"22. "Featured in two HBS case studies"
I accidentally read this as 'featured in two IBS studies' and thought that was a unique choice for dating profile content.

teaandcakeordeath

@teaandcakeordeath
Though Im not sure how that would prove he was rich unless he was literally 5hitting money. Which is now a visual I cant stop imagining.

teaandcakeordeath

@teaandcakeordeath
Eww. I regret posting this as it's gross.

Super Nintendo Chalmers

@teaandcakeordeath Stuff and nonsense.

smidge

@teaandcakeordeath Can anyone tell me the Latin for "Never Regret Posts about Shitting"?

Judith Slutler

@smidge definitely going on my family crest.

EpWs

@Emmanuelle Cunt It's going on my chamber pot.

teaandcakeordeath

@smidge
Nolite te shitting carborundum?

Aww you guys are so supportive.

teaandcakeordeath

@Emmanuelle Cunt
I'm tempted to appropriate: "No longer a babe, but not an old bag."

sunflowernut

Just went and read all the personals up right now... those people are all the worst. The absolute worst.

OhMarie

@Asher I feel like the fact that you have a personal ad in Harvard Magazine is code for rich.

area@twitter

@OhMarie I agree, except: is that even code? I think that goes right up on the mantle next to the polo trophies and the complimentary lifetime subscription to Town and Country magazine.

Nutmeg

"Upper middle class"

haha just kidding, Mom

WaityKatie

@Nutmeg "Comfortable."

Super Nintendo Chalmers

It's a very specific sort of nitpicky amusement that I take from the general pit of grossness and also hilarity that is the Harvard Magazine personals section, but I was a competitive swimmer for yearrrrrrs and "swimmers build" does not really mean diddly. There are very differerent sorts of builds that tend to be suited for each stroke. I'm pretty sure this person did not mean they were looking for someone who excels at the butterfly as we tend to be sturdily built with wide shoulders.

Mira

@Super Nintendo Chalmers and enormous feet

Super Nintendo Chalmers

@Mira Long torsos and shortish legs for everyone!

anachronistique

@Super Nintendo Chalmers Michael Phelps, whose arms are longer than he is tall!

EpWs

@anachronistique Michael Phelps, who is built like a winged dolphin!

Super Nintendo Chalmers

@The Everpresent Wordsnatcher People like dolphins so I don't see the problem. It's a SWIMMER'S BUILD.

mlle.gateau

@Super Nintendo Chalmers Also, seals swim very well. So.

lisma

I do love a man who's an executive in the boardroom and in the bedroom, am I right ladies?

NOT. NEVER. YUCK.

Megasus

Ew, "lithe!"

Blushingflwr

My personal favorite is "Height-weight proportionate", especially since it doesn't actually mean what the people who use it think it means. Also "athletic" is one I always interpret as a euphemism for "thin", even though you can be an athlete and not be slender.

WaityKatie

@Blushingflwr I found out the hard way that "fit" is a euphemism for thin when I mistakenly described myself as fit on my online dating profile and got yelled at in great detail by a dirtbag who somehow made it through my filter after he met me and declared that I was clearly NOT FIT. I had foolishly thought that the fact that I am actually physically fit and work out all the time and am capable of performing moderate feats of strength would make that an accurate descriptor. But no. Apparently the only acceptable descriptor for me is "overweight," or possibly "obese" even though I am neither of those. THANKS OKSTUPID I AM DELETING MY ACCOUNT NOW.

leastimportantperson

"Well, NICOLE, if you must be so crass, I suppose we are rich. Rich rich rich. Rich as shit. Yeah. We're rich, okay? Okay? Rich and thin, thin as hell. We were just TRYING to be, not modest, but, you know, that thing that looks like modest but is really the opposite. But you had to go and ruin it. Hope you're happy (NOT)."
-These People

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

Enh, you can never be too professional or too fit!

Mira

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll Or too - what are we calling it these days? "High net worth."

Alex Cichon Marchwiak@facebook

Sometimes I wonder why I was depressed in high school. It's because I lived in a pre-Hairpin comments section world. Thanks for preachin' The Truth, y'all.

Verity

The Oxford alumni magazine only ever has one or two personal ads (and it comes out only a few times a year), but they are always just like this. It's amazing.

snowmentality

Related:

After my own college graduation (from a state school in the South), I went up to Boston for my best friend's college graduation (not from Harvard). One evening a bunch of us went out to the (now-defunct) Redline bar in Harvard Square. As I was waiting for my cocktail at the bar, a guy started chatting me up. Although I was already in a relationship, he was being polite and not creepy, so I engaged his small-talk questions. Where are you from, what are you studying, that sort of thing. All quite normal.

Then he asked "So, do you go to Harvard?"

"No," I said, "actually I go to -- "

He literally TURNED ON HIS HEEL and walked away from me in midsentence.

It was hysterical.

So that is my experience with Harvard-related dating, and my immediate association with anyone who places personals ads in the Harvard alumni magazine.

@snowmentality A Harvard undergrad once hit on me at Crema (the coffee shop in Harvard Square) and was very socially awkward about it. He looked like he was about 19. It was fine and awkward in the "yeah, you're a teenager and I am well into my twenties and a few years out of college" way. Then he saw my "Legal Writing & Research" book and flipped a shit because he thought it was for a Wintersession class and he wanted to take it! And it wasn't fair! And how did he not know about it! THAT BOOK LOOKS SO GOOD. (No, dude, it was not good)

I had to gently, yet very firmly, explain to him that I was not an undergrad. And I was not taking a Wintersession class. Because I was in law school. Not at Harvard. And that I was 24 years old and not interested in dating him.

The kid looked at me like I had grown a 3rd eyeball. It was special.

WaityKatie

@S. Elizabeth I think that might be the only time in recorded history that anyone has ever described a Legal Research and Writing book as "interesting."

par_parenthese

Literally ALLLLLLLL I can think of is, "I got her number. How d'ya like THEM apples?"

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