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A Lazy Man’s Guide to Seducing Women
1. Badger her about her marital status. You’re drunk at a rowdy party, flirting with a drunk lady. You’re both having fun and enjoying the moment. But if you want to seal the deal, you’ll have to ruin the playful conversation and ask her some hard questions. Is she single, or isn’t she? You must find out now.
“You don’t have a boyfriend, right?” you ask. She laughs. “Wait, does that mean you have a boyfriend or that you don’t have a boyfriend? No? Are you sure? You didn’t come here with a guy? So you’re really single?”
Badger her until you’re completely sure that no boyfriend will suddenly appear and beat you up. Don’t worry about coming off as a ninny. Women love men who aren’t ashamed of displaying fear.
2. Plan a non-committal date, from bed. You like a girl, you think she likes you, you’ve got her number, and you’re ready to take things to the next level. How do you show it? A text sent between the hours of 11 p.m. and 4 a.m. is easiest. Don’t actually invite her over, however, or you might come off as aggressive or, worse, not chill.
Instead, send a text that’s simple and slightly confusing, like, “What’s up? I’m home.” Now the ball is in her court. Does she want to ask you for permission to drive across town in the middle of the night to sit in your room? Only if she’s worth it. Try to stress that you’re going to sleep soon, so she has a sexy mental image of you in a bed. “Bout to pass out, bored” usually does the trick.
3. Offer her every beverage you can possibly find, all at once. Congratulations, she’s in your home. Now it’s time to put your suave moves on her. But here’s a secret seduction trick that even Casanova didn’t bother with: alcohol. Let her know you have some, and then offer it to her.
Not just a little, but an inventory of your entire kitchen and alcohol cabinet. The plastic bottle of vodka, the water bottle with some wine in it, your roommate’s Grey Goose that he told you not to touch. They’re all hers. Shove everything on the table in front of her, and make sure she’s always drinking from something. If she’s not drinking, encourage her by looking slightly panicked and asking, “Don’t you want to drink more?” Unfortunately, you don’t have any clean glasses or cups, but she shouldn’t mind as long as you let her drink from the bottle.
4. Suggest a movie, surprise her with sex. She’s still here, and still looking good. What now? Don’t worry about entertaining her; leave that to your television. Or better yet, your Netflix account. Don’t have one? Signing up now is an absolute must. Remember, she wants a male who can provide for her.
But this doesn’t mean that you’ll actually be finishing that movie tonight, oh no. Little does she know that this movie has a surprise twist ending that actually comes closer to the beginning. Waiting about five minutes into the film before telling her you have condoms is tasteful enough.
If this doesn’t cause her to start putting on a striptease for you, it’s because something is wrong. Show her you care by asking, “What’s wrong?” The sincerity in your voice will cause her heart to melt, leading to sexual arousal.
*Note: If she continues to resist your advances and storms out of your apartment, it’s because she found you tempting but does actually have a boyfriend.
Amy Silverstein is a blogger at GlobalPost.com and a freelance reporter and writer.