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Monday, December 17, 2012

173

A Lazy Man's Guide to Seducing Women

1. Badger her about her marital status. You're drunk at a rowdy party, flirting with a drunk lady. You're both having fun and enjoying the moment. But if you want to seal the deal, you'll have to ruin the playful conversation and ask her some hard questions. Is she single, or isn't she? You must find out now.

"You don't have a boyfriend, right?" you ask. She laughs. "Wait, does that mean you have a boyfriend or that you don't have a boyfriend? No? Are you sure? You didn't come here with a guy? So you're really single?"

Badger her until you're completely sure that no boyfriend will suddenly appear and beat you up. Don't worry about coming off as a ninny. Women love men who aren't ashamed of displaying fear.

2. Plan a non-committal date, from bed. You like a girl, you think she likes you, you've got her number, and you’re ready to take things to the next level. How do you show it? A text sent between the hours of 11 p.m. and 4 a.m. is easiest. Don't actually invite her over, however, or you might come off as aggressive or, worse, not chill.

Instead, send a text that's simple and slightly confusing, like, "What's up? I'm home." Now the ball is in her court. Does she want to ask you for permission to drive across town in the middle of the night to sit in your room? Only if she's worth it. Try to stress that you're going to sleep soon, so she has a sexy mental image of you in a bed. "Bout to pass out, bored" usually does the trick.

3. Offer her every beverage you can possibly find, all at once. Congratulations, she's in your home. Now it's time to put your suave moves on her. But here's a secret seduction trick that even Casanova didn't bother with: alcohol. Let her know you have some, and then offer it to her.

Not just a little, but an inventory of your entire kitchen and alcohol cabinet. The plastic bottle of vodka, the water bottle with some wine in it, your roommate’s Grey Goose that he told you not to touch. They're all hers. Shove everything on the table in front of her, and make sure she's always drinking from something. If she's not drinking, encourage her by looking slightly panicked and asking, "Don't you want to drink more?" Unfortunately, you don't have any clean glasses or cups, but she shouldn't mind as long as you let her drink from the bottle.

4. Suggest a movie, surprise her with sex. She's still here, and still looking good. What now? Don't worry about entertaining her; leave that to your television. Or better yet, your Netflix account. Don't have one? Signing up now is an absolute must. Remember, she wants a male who can provide for her.

But this doesn't mean that you'll actually be finishing that movie tonight, oh no. Little does she know that this movie has a surprise twist ending that actually comes closer to the beginning. Waiting about five minutes into the film before telling her you have condoms is tasteful enough.

If this doesn't cause her to start putting on a striptease for you, it's because something is wrong. Show her you care by asking, "What's wrong?" The sincerity in your voice will cause her heart to melt, leading to sexual arousal.

You're welcome.

*Note: If she continues to resist your advances and storms out of your apartment, it's because she found you tempting but does actually have a boyfriend.

Amy Silverstein is a blogger at GlobalPost.com and a freelance reporter and writer.



173 Comments / Post A Comment

Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood

just do what i do and be really cute?

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood
I understand there's a folk school near Asheville where you can take classes in blacksmithing? Always seemed to me that if you really wanted to prioritize this sort of thing, that would be the way to go.

samsei

@Josh is like Germany Ambitious and Misunderstood
The folk school is called Penland, it supports itself by being a kind of art camp for anyone with the money and inclination, and has a thriving community of associated craftspeople/artists. I grew up ten minutes away and my mom has been involved with it for many years. I created an account just to tell you this.

sox
sox

@samsei But there is also the John C. Campbell Folk School, which I suspect may be what Rock and Roll Ken Doll is referring to? I grew up practically on that campus (and kind of really excited to see either the Folk School or Penland mentioned in a Hairpin thread :). Go forth Josh, and blacksmith. You would be quite popular at the contra dances I can assure you.

par_parenthese

@sox I <3 contra dancing with absolute sincerity. Seriously fun times.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@par_parenthese
Haha! My friend met her husband at a contra dance. Now she has a baby! (Or two or three? Eesh we've fallen out of touch...) So, you never know!

samsei

@sox Oh hey, I have heard of that! I bet you are right. That area could support any number of places like that, I think.

a small sea

@samsei OH, I thought RnRKD was talking about Warren Wilson!

Dilworth

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll I spent a summer at Penland and while I am sincerely serious about the Craft Arts, I also encourage you to pursue blacksmithing or another of the manly arts as a way to seduce women. Chicks think it's hot. 15 years ago I basically closed the deal with my wife by taking her for a tour of the cooperative woodshop I was sharing. She was super impressed despite the fact that I was jobless, directionless and wasn't even working on any projects at the time.

likethestore

The last time I was seduced by a lazy man, instead of a movie it was Dave Chappelle on youtube. Not my greatest moment.

NeverOddOrEven

@likethestore
The words that ultimately led to my marriage were, "Want to come inside, smoke a joint, and watch the Family Guy movie?"

I am a bad example.

rayray

@likethestore An exboyfriend got me that way with Jim Gaffigan.

medula

@likethestore My marriage was precipitated by a bong and Neil Gaimen's Neverwhere.

NeverOddOrEven

@medula
That was one of the books he introduced me to when we first started dating!
He gave me a lot of good books and albums, actually. Part of the attraction. We joked that I was in his Book Of Last Month Club.

Blackwatch Plaid

@likethestore We were watching Troll 2 when he asked me if I wanted to make out. The rest is history.

D.@twitter

@Blackwatch Plaid Troll 2!! Can't blame you...that popcorn scene is SO ROMANTIC.

whateverlolawants

@likethestore It was "Donnie Darko" that got the ball rolling with my last lazy dude. Not a bad choice, but yeah, he followed this guide to a T, and threw in some lying to boot. Also, I didn't have a texting plan at the time, but he insisted on texting and wouldn't even answer his phone if I called him when he was texting me. When he was alone and doing nothing important. Thankfully, I stopped putting up with it quickly.

NeverOddOrEven

@whateverlolawants
That is so annoying! I didn't have unlimited texting for a while, and it frustrated me to no end when people would break up one thought into three or more texts for no good reason. iPhone users seemed particularly prone to this.

... I may or may not now be guilty of this since I've gotten an iPhone. That's neither here nor there.

whateverlolawants

@NeverOddOrEven Yes! That used to drive me crrrrrazy. I think I had 200 texts a month, or I paid for each individually... I can't remember. But it was rough. I try to be considerate of others unless I know they have unlimited (which is almost everyone I know, but still.) Also, I will never, ever send someone a text that simply says "k".

whateverlolawants

Also, "Donnie Darko" wasn't a terrible choice, but the dude was. Just to be clear.

DoMark

Oh my. Way, way too true to my own experiences.

meetapossum

@DoMark Yeah, I was grimacing with recognition through the whole thing.

theotherginger

@DoMark yes. have recently almost succumbed. but then remembered that doing so would compromise self-esteem.

iwearaFEZnow

@DoMark yup. this was pretty much the nail in the coffin of recent bad decisions.

eva luna

@DoMark A guy I met recently tried to combine the late night text with the watch a movie thing. No, I'm not desperate enough for cuddling to come over to your apartment and watch a movie at 12:47 AM. Now, if he had asked me at 9 PM. . . I really did want to see that movie, but I was skeptical. And then he stopped texting shortly thereafter. Meh.

gobblegirl

I feel like I've been given illicit access to the Man Playbook! What a rush!

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@gobblegirl
Oh, it only goes up (i.e., down) from there!

Judith Slutler

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll In my experience the followers of this guide rarely, if ever, go down.

highjump

All of this is so relevant to my life experience, but especially this: "Don't actually invite her over, however, or you might come off as aggressive or, worse, not chill." The artificial chillness of left-leaning dudes is enough to make me consider dating outside the progressive movement. At least pretend you care about me as much as you seem to care about raising taxes on the wealthy and legalizing weed. Jesus fucking christ.

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@highjump Ahem...maybe some left-leaning ladies can change your mind about that side of the political spectrum...

(You're way more important than weed to me, girl. Wink.)

RubeksCube

...I think I know this guy...

Nutmeg

I have slept with all of these men but to be fair I was really drunk?

"Best" move: I passed out in some dude's bed and he was watching a movie on his laptop; I sez, "Oh, is this your bed?" and ten minutes later when he sez, "I'm going to sleep now- or we could make out?" I told him that I guess I owed him one. Next day I walked his roommates' dogs because he had to go to work. OH, THE MEN I HAVE FUCKED

Judith Slutler

@Nutmeg "OH, THE MEN I HAVE FUCKED" - basically, this.

EllieOh

@Nutmeg at least he was employed?

mija

@Nutmeg Go on a date with a guy who tells you, at the end of the night, that he likes you but he's not "retarded about you." Then proceed to sleep with him. Whhhyyyy.

fondue with cheddar

@Emmanuelle Cunt Me too, except replace "MEN" with "MAN-BOYS".

You could not PAY me to relive my twenties.

amitygardens@twitter

@Nutmeg Oh God, I was left at his house while he went to a bar for several hours. I cannot believe how naive I was at 18.

I am so glad that I met my husband after that.

eva luna

@fondue with cheddar You mean it gets better? Please tell me it gets better.

fondue with cheddar

@eva luna It does get better! Though admittedly, part of the responsibility lies on you making better choices. BUT the older you get the more mature the dudes get, and it's easier to make better choices because the dating pool as a whole has improved (assuming you're dating guys close to your age or older).

Emby

Knowing that these "strategies" have worked makes me regret the times when I actually tried very hard and put in a lot of effort, to no avail.

leonstj

@Emby - hahaha you said 'hard' and 'put in'. (i'm 12 now everyone)

stuffisthings

@Emby My question is: if I could send this article back in time to my younger self, would I send it to 2006 me with the subject line "Yo, stop doing this kind of shit" or 2002 me with the subject line "PRO TIPS"?

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@leon s
so that's what the kids mean when they say 'effort' now, huh? etc.

leonstj

@stuffisthings - just the (pro) tips

(is it working? are all y'all ladies seduced yet? i feel like, "probably".)

Lucienne

@leon s Well, I mean, I did basically imprint on Wayne's World so . . . maybe.

leonstj

@Lucienne ;)

Ham Snadwich

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll - Effort = anything you can't do while simultaneously posting to Facebook or playing Call of Duty

Probs

Number one sounds more like trying not to be a jerk than laziness? Or cowardice, as you mention. True laziness would skip that step.

noodge

5.) engage her in a "philosophical" discussion about movies or books. make sure it's about a movie or book that was analyzed in your freshman year "critical thinking" course (so you don't have to take up your time reading or anything, you're an adult now!), and rehash generally accepted opinions about the work as if it is your unique take. badger the woman if she disagrees with these opinions or attempts to posit an actually unique approach to the work. when she walks away, badger her more (or suggest she is a lesbian!) because she won't give you her number.

redheaded&crazy

@noodge it's so crazy - when I thought I had a chance, she was the hottest shit! now that I know I don't, she's an ugly lesbian.

HUH.

Judith Slutler

@noodge 6.) instigate a flirty game of foosball and then get like SUPER MAD when she wins and stalk away in a huff. You ain't want her anyway, what a bitch!

The Lady of Shalott

Or, if you're like one of the guys I dated, feel free to engage in endless pointless conversations over text but never actually bother inviting me anywhere or doing anything. Then when I get frustrated and ask "dude, WTF is going on?" answer noncommitally "I dunno....?"

redheaded&crazy

@The Lady of Shalott "idk what do YOU think is going on?"

"i think i just tore all of my hair out and threw it on the floor because FUCK YOOOOOOOOOOUUUUU"

packedsuitcase

@The Lady of Shalott You get a gold star, because that is both hilarious and unfortunately true.

theotherginger

@packedsuitcase I don't think I can like this thread enough.

par_parenthese

@The Lady of Shalott "Going on? What do you me -- oh my god, did you think we were like... seeing each other or whatever? No no no no no no no. I mean, sorry you got the wrong idea, but in all fairness, I never asked you out, did I."

fondue with cheddar

@The Lady of Shalott It was so refreshing when I got older and instead of being noncommittal all the time guys started saying, "I had a great time, let's do it again," or "I really like you." MATURITY AND CONFIDENCE FTW

theotherginger

@fondue with cheddar does this happen at a certain age? or a certain time when a lady says, no. not into that. i am not responding.

fondue with cheddar

@theotherginger I think it's a mixture of both. We all (ladies and dudes) grow up and realize that the whole game is stupid and we don't have to go along with it.
1. A lady respects herself enough to stop responding to that, which makes that type of dude go away in pursuit of someone else.
2. A lady becomes experienced enough to learn how to spot such dudes from the start and stays away from them.
3. A dude finds that ladies don't respond to that anymore, so he stops doing it.
4. A dude becomes mature enough to realize that he is above such behavior, so he stops doing it.

paddlepickle

@The Lady of Shalott Oh my god I dated a guy like this, he would text incessantly with cute little pictures of his cat and stuff, but never suggest hanging out, so I would and we'd make plans and then whenever we'd have plans some terrible catastrophe would happen (dad in hospital, illness, death of a friend: three dates in a row), and he'd cancel and go back to constantly texting but not suggesting plans. I STILL HATE THAT GUY.

lizardjellybean

@paddlepickle Oh my god, did we date the same guy? LOOK, fella. If you don't want to ACTUALLY hang out and do things with our parts, then just SAY so. JEEZ. Also your cat is cute.

Hellcat

@par_parenthese "Well... I thought we were just friends. I don't know what would indicate otherwise." Of course--because I always make out for a really, really, really long time on the couch with my other friends. And, still, that was at the beginning of an almost three year, on-and-off but still only sort-of "thing." I thank the gods that once I was completely fed up, I stayed that way... and thus freed up to go on to meet my normal BF only a month or two later.

werewolfbarmitzvah

Whaaaaaat! Granted, I've been out of the game for almost 8 years now, but are dudes today really sending their potential dates texts that say, "Bout to pass out, bored"? Just tell me one thing. Tell me that those texts don't actually work. Tell me that you don't actually meet up with the guy after receiving a text like that. Because, we, as womankind, can all eeeeeeeeasily do better than a guy who sends that text message.

stuffisthings

@werewolfbarmitzvah In my time we just texted "hey." Ladies these days with their standards.

Tam
Tam

@werewolfbarmitzvah Yeah, not to disappoint you but read all the comments above yours.

werewolfbarmitzvah

@Tam I know, I know. Sigh. WOMEN OF EARTH, QUIT ENABLING THESE DUDES.

City_Dater

@werewolfbarmitzvah

As I once said to a (younger) friend who is drawn to this sort of lazy man-child like a bug to flypaper, and will analyze their every half-assed interaction for evidence of his eventual wish to marry her: "and this would be better than being single because?"

gobblegirl

@werewolfbarmitzvah Hey, girls are lazy too. Sometimes you want to just Denis Duffy it.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@gobblegirl
hey dummy, what's up I'm bored

meetapossum

@werewolfbarmitzvah 23-year-old meetapossum was very dumb.

theotherginger

@werewolfbarmitzvah I blame patriarchy for the fact that I have to work harder than I would like to get dates with decent dudes. So sometimes in extended singleness I have succumbed. I think we need to think about the structures that enable this behaviour.

Springtime for Voldemort

@werewolfbarmitzvah I think you might really be underestimating how much some of us want to get laid.

In my "defense", I have mostly avoided actually sleeping with these dudes. But that's mainly because I'm dense, and would not catch on that "Bout to go to sleep, bored" was supposed to be code for "wanna fuck?".

Bloodrocuted

@werewolfbarmitzvah My friend does the sleepy texts to girls. He's never really falling asleep, but home for the night. His logic: "I'm letting them make the first move! Equality, you know." I tell him he's still making a first move, it is just a stupid first move, but he keeps at it.

fondue with cheddar

@Springtime for Voldemort Yeah, in my younger days sleeping with such dudes was pretty much all about getting laid. The worst was when the sex wasn't good, because then I compromised myself for nothing.

Springtime for Voldemort

@fondue with cheddar Yeah, that's where I'm at. A dude who will be this lazy about seduction will also be too lazy to let you sit on his face.

fondue with cheddar

@Springtime for Voldemort Haha, right?

I had this one lazy dude with whom p-i-v was the only thing—he never did anything else. He was pretty well-endowed, which helped the laziness factor as he didn't have to try very hard to be decent at it (so long as he didn't hurt me). But it was unsatisfying because once he came that was it, there was never any concern about whether it was good for me.

Strangely, I got a booty call from him every winter for three years in a row. Each one resulted in a few weeks of sexytimes, followed by nothing the rest of the year. I still wonder what that was all about.

Oh, and he also treated me just shitty enough that I knew he wasn't into a relationship instead of, you know, telling me he didn't want a relationship. Dude was divorced, he should have had a clue about relationships. Unless that was why he was divorced, I don't know.

paddlepickle

@werewolfbarmitzvah My personal favorite in these situations: "Up?"

Springtime for Voldemort

@fondue with cheddar There was one guy who I realized wasn't ever going to initiate something other than PIV, even if I blew him. Upon me saying "cool, and now I'm going to show you how to get me off" responded with "nah, I'm not in the mood", rolled over, and went on a fifteen minute whine about how he was totally in love with this other girl (that I had no idea existed) but she was super into drugs now and it was hurting him and he wanted to be with her so bad.

eva luna

@werewolfbarmitzvah I don't, although I probably enable other idiotic behavior. Now my standards are so ridiculously high that I should probably just give up and adopt some cats.

fondue with cheddar

@paddlepickle @Springtime for Voldemort Unbelievable. Why are people so awful?

Springtime for Voldemort

@fondue with cheddar I ask myself that every day.

theotherginger

@Springtime for Voldemort do you remember the scene in Sex and the City where Carrie gets back at guys like this? It's season 1 episode probably 2, definitely first 4.

Reginal T. Squirge

Hairpin Dude tips:

- When you ask her out and she says she's "really busy for the next month", don't stop there! Ask her if she wants to schedule something next month! Then wait for her to tell you she doesn't want to be your friend. But still don't stop there! Ask for a phone call later to maybe explain where the two of you went wrong. Then hate yourself when she doesn't call.

Reginal T. Squirge

(If you don't set yourself up to fail, how will you hate yourself for failing!?)

Blushingflwr

@Reginal T. Squirge In fairness, I am really busy. But if I were interested in the dude, I would probably say "I'm really busy for the next month, but maybe in [the month after]?"

wee_ramekin

@Blushingflwr Hahahaha, oh man. I just read your first sentence, thought Reginal was directing his post to you, and was like "Shiiiiiiiiiiiit. It is about to get reeeeeeeeeeeally awkward up in here."

And then I was going to dart my eyes to and fro awkwardly, and promise myself that I would not check this thread again so as to preserve the dignity of those involved. .....Aaaaand then I would click 'Refresh' every 5 seconds. Suspicious Emoticon by Gomotes

theotherginger

@wee_ramekin would that that were the case i too would be refreshing

Blushingflwr

@wee_ramekin @theotherginger - to the best of my knowledge I have never been asked on a date by any of the regular Hairpin commenters.
Yet.

theotherginger

@Blushingflwr who knows when that could change. Dum dum dum!

Danzig!

@wee_ramekin how the hell do you use emoticons on these boards?? Asking for a friend

@Blushingflwr I dated a 'pinner once. She was the only woman out of all the ones I've seen to have courage enough to communicate with me about anything. She was really cool but we just didn't jibe in that way.

theotherginger

@Danzig! and if that is the honest truth, then that is all you can really hope for from a relationship. (other than the ideal, of course)

Danzig!

@theotherginger what, communication? I really liked having it (especially when other people were doing that thing where they express nominal interest but evade you until you intuit that maybe they're not interested) but it seems sort of overvalued given how much it's talked up. It seems like a lot of people find communication stifling and dull. People want love affairs, not G8 talks.

theotherginger

@Danzig! baha. the ideal is that it works out, obvs. i think words are helpful, but so is romance, and picking up on subtleties for appropriate surprises. . .

wee_ramekin

@Danzig! It's actually not a character-based emoticon. I googled "suspicious-looking emoticon", found an image, and then inserted it into my text using the [img src=' '] tag.

redheaded&crazy

Dudes I'm Not Dealing With tips:

-say (in october) that you're going to be in town in december so we should catch up
-post multiple facebook statuses both indirect and directly saying you're back in town
-do not actually use any valid forms of communication

the end.

theotherginger

@redheaded&crazie not actually difficult to say "hey want to hang out." this is happening to my roommate right now.

redheaded&crazy

@theotherginger you mean not difficult for me to say? I AM a fan of not sitting around waiting for idiots to get their act together. But I think I'm a bigger fan of not enabling idiotic behaviour.

theotherginger

@redheaded&crazie i meant for the dude. Obvs you could also but why would you in this case totes not worth it

fruiting body

This sounds suspiciously like the first night I hooked up with my now-husband. Do I bother feeling ashamed??

bitzy

@fruiting body Don't bother. Too much work.

Linette

I just showed this to a man-friend of my acquaintance and he immediately became DEEPLY shamed for his slightly-post-high-school-aged self.

It cuts both ways, y'all.

frigwiggin

Mmmmm yeah, love dat laziness! Rub dat laziness all over me baby

Diana

Oh my god are there men who come in a form BESIDES #2 because if so it's like I've just washed ashore after spending my whole life cast into a desolate ocean of "what are you up to"

redheaded&crazy

@Diana it's the lack of EVEN A QUESTION MARK that makes this text so truly insulting.

Reginal T. Squirge

I can't even commit to punctuation!

timesnewroman

@Diana wuu2 2nite

par_parenthese

@Diana There are at least two? Because they've both asked me on proper dates within a reasonable space of meeting. In person.

DoMark

@Diana What makes me the saddest about this is that, as a recently single person (after being out of the dating crap for 5 years), I smugly thought that I had aged out of these guys. But no, they are apparently still like this when they are thirty-five and employed.

Diana

@DoMark

!!!!! I JUST HAD THIS CONVERSATION TODAY. "It was bad enough when I was 21 but then I got into a relationship. Now that the relationship is over 3 years later I go back to the dating pool and IT'S THE SAME DUDES."

saritasara

@Diana Ugh, yes #2 is the worst! There was this guy I met at a party -- a few mutual friends, that sort of thing -- we kind of talked, exchanged numbers. And then for a while after that, he would send the most pointless texts out of the blue every couple of months.
"Hi"
Literally, that was it. And even when I actually responded (with another Hi, cause seriously I am not going to put any effort into my response to a lazy-ass text like that) it would just lead to a round of meaningless "What's up?" "Nothing much." "Just chilling."
GAH

fondue with cheddar

@Diana I was in a relationship/marriage for 7 years. When it started, cell phones were just starting to become ubiquitous and not everyone had text messaging plans so there was not a ton of communication with people, and some didn't text at all.

A month or two after I separated from my husband I was 33 years old and dated a few early-to-mid-twenties dudes that I found on OKCupid, just for fun/dating practice/sex. I'd never experienced the lazy-text thing in my prior dating experience, so it was a rude awakening! Before, if guys wanted to bang me they had to actually call me and have a live conversation.

Of course, lazy and noncommittal behavior still abounded, it just took a different form.

Deanna Destroi

@DoMark I relate SO HARD. Down to the 5-year relationship. I thought I'd be way too smart for those guys when I got back into the dating pool. Nope. Drove across town at 11:30 on a weeknight once. *hangs head in shame* (though, hilariously, that same guy keeps trying this method on me and it's no longer working, so his texts are getting longer and more "pay attention to meeeee"... though the fact that I'm gratified by this is clear evidence I haven't gotten any wiser)

Brunhilde

@Diana I met one last week! Getting a "Hey, I really enjoyed meeting you, do you want to go to happy hour next thursday?" text (there were more words than that) was confusing and then exhilirating.

RNL
RNL

Advanced Moves: once seduction is completed, continue to act non-committal and keep sending confusing texts. Like 1/10 photos of her posted on fb. Eat breakfast when offered, but sometimes have vague "plans". Use the entry-level tips on other girls, sleep with them.

Keep it up until she starts seeing someone else. Immediately start using social media like Costner in Dances With Wolves (ie start figuratively peeing all over that shit). Tell her by fb message you've been "thinking a lot" and "want to see her". Send more and even more confusing texts.

Repeat.

FOR SHAME, ROBOT, FOR SHAME.

whateverlolawants

@When robot unicorns attack
Someone else has called that behavior for what it is -- peeing all over everything!

all the kittens in the club gettin nipsy

FYI, if you were wondering whether your problems would be solved by switching teams: All of these methods have been used on me by queer girls. (With varying success. (WHY do I always respond to the texts?!?))

theotherginger

@all the kittens in the club gettin nipsy I have wondered to be honest (about switching teams). And I am glad I am not the only one responding to the texts.

tex
tex

Do what my boyfriend did and ask the girl out on a DATE the night you meet her. To commence at that moment (2am). Next day say something along the lines of "you are great, I'm really interested in you, I want to go on more Dates with you." She will be pleased and confused after experiencing years of lazy man dating. Funny youtube videos still seal the deal though.

eva luna

@tex The best was when someone told me (the night we met) that he "fancied" me. He then proceeded to be completely reliable and make it entirely clear that he adored me. He's still a good friend.

nina

I am a big fan of #4, though I might be in the minority :)
Ugh, but #2 is so annoying.

sparrow303

And the hipster version of #4: Offer to show her your record collection (WHY did that work?!)

par_parenthese

@sparrow303 *hangs head in shame*

mc coolfriend

@sparrow303 Ha ha...I think the old days version of that is etchings. This was a Thing, right? Would you like to come up and look at my etchings? I swear I remember hearing this enough that I believed it was a a tried and true ploy. For awhile in my early 20s I thought etchings were a fake thing (they are not, but they are not at all what you would think they are either. Though I actually cannot remember what it is they ARE right now) made up by old men of a certain type just to get ladies up to their apartments and that like, the world of old timey courtship would IMPLODE if ever a lady actually demanded an erudite gentleman produce said etchings.

Dances With Nerds

@mc coolfriend Totally a thing! I think etchings are art prints? (Also a thing in French, if the slang dictionary I have is to be believed.)

catparty

@mc coolfriend yikes i totally may or may not have seduced a guy by showing him some of my etchings, once upon a time. i'm channeling some 18th century printmaking pickup artist and i didn't even realize it, haha.

(oh and an etching is an image made by making indentations in a metal plate with acid that will hold ink. then the inky plate is pressed into paper using a printing press to make a print)

purefog

@mc coolfriend I think -- although I could be making this up -- that the iconic "etchings" may have been naughty etchings. It would make sense.

theotherginger

@wee_ramekin would that that were the case i too would be refreshing

Springtime for Voldemort

I think a guy and I might have done this to each other. I invited him over for a movie, and then in the process of doing a bit of cleaning up, forgot (I'm like 96% sure it was a legit memory lapse...) to move the NARAL condom off the end table. And then he talked about his "crazy ex" and god why didn't she get that they weren't on a break, they were broken up for good? I mean, sure, he had only told her that they were on a break, but still.

paddlepickle

@Springtime for Voldemort Your username is the best username of all the usernames ever used in history.

Springtime for Voldemort

@paddlepickle Awwwww! Thank you!!!! You made my day ;D

I'm Not Rufus

@paddlepickle Truth

cardiganboots

I love everything about all of the comments here, such a perfect mix of shame and righteous indignation.

(I'm also glad to know that I'm not the only lame enabler here.)

BookMoth

5. Be sure to use the same sheets you've had since you graduated from college nine years ago. (A single tea-light candle on a scrap of aluminum foil is great for hiding stains!) Also, blanket covers are for pussies.

kella

Yep, this summer. He picked me up in his CAR around 1am after work. He proceeded to show me R. Kelly videos and chain smoke and drink Old Milwaukee until like 5am when we decided we should go to bed. Had to help him put some sheets on the bed. Bad sex ensued. 2 months later he was like "we should do that again!" I was like yeeeeeah. No. One of the last straws in my "maybe I'm a lesbian" narrative.

bonymaroni

Oh my god this is my entire undergrad experience.

EggsErroneous

I started dating my current boyfriend almost solely because he ACTUALLY USED MY PHONE NUMBER TO CALL ME INSTEAD OF TEXTING ME. Really, is it that impressive? It seems to be after a slew of the ever seductive "hey whats up" texts from guys that you don't even have saved in your phone yet.

I also caught a lot of flack from my girlfriends who told me I was being unreasonable by writing off the texty dudes. They would tell me that it is an acceptable form of communication in our culture and to stop having standards that other people wouldn't even know about let alone could live up to.

fondue with cheddar

@EggsErroneous You are not unreasonable!

Springtime for Voldemort

@EggsErroneous Are you letting the texty dudes know that you don't consider texting an appropriate form of communication? Because I almost never call anyone, ever. (Doctor's offices not included). I hate talking on the phone, and am thrilled that texting is considered an acceptable form of communication. But if someone let me know that they don't consider texting a valid form of communication, I would probably call them, at least in the beginning.

EggsErroneous

@Springtime for Voldemort Good point - If I wanted to communicate with them and have them communicate with me after that initial meeting, I typically found a way to bring up the calling preference. I got an eye roll one time in response. Ha! It works both ways - I call rather than text while trying to develop that initial rapport. Same in business...email is more efficient but it is assumptive and not likely to get much response(in my line of work) unless you have spoken at least once.

I'm not saying texting isn't appropriate, but in my opinion when trying to develop some kind of rapport with someone it does not show much effort. I use texting a lot after a level of intimacy has been established.

adorable-eggplant

@Springtime for Voldemort Me too! I have talked to my boyfriend of almost two years on the phone maaaybe a handful of times (under 10, for sure). We text daily. I love it because I am super shy and I hate that part of a phone call where you have to figure out how to say goodbye. I feel like I am reinventing the wheel every time I try to hang up. Some people are default texters and I'm not sure that shows less effort (for instance, my dinosaur phone doesn't have predictive spelling, so it takes me minutes to compose a text). I would probably call, if someone said I need you you to call me, but honestly in a perfect world I would only ever email/text. Vive la différence!

279th District Court

@EggsErroneous I admit, it was helpful in one way that he never called. I knew from the moment I saw that he was actually calling, not texting, that he was about to break up with me.

whimseywisp

AGHHHH Douchebaggery 101. So gross and so, so true. Way too true. I need a shower now.

gormless

Why don't girls ask guys out? If you think a dude is cool and would like to spend time with him in person, do something about it. If you'd like to do something more than hang out with him in his apartment and watch movies and have sex, why don't you ask him to do that thing with you? Don't wait around for him to send a Formal Date Request. Take matters into your own hands. Seriously, what are you waiting for? Roses?

A Lazy Woman's Guide To Being Seduced:

1. Wait
2. Keep waiting
3. Don't initiate conversations; instead, be unhappy with guys' attempts to do so with you, however lackluster they may be; bonus points for being aloof and coy instead of forthright and honest
4. Have specific desires for what you'd like to do with someone or where you'd like that someone to take you, but never communicate those desires
5. See nos. 1 - 4

paddlepickle

@gormless There are a lot of reasons why girls don't ask guys out, most of them having to do with the patriarchy having seeped it's way into everyone's lives. I do it, but honestly? It rarely works out. Things have only really worked out for me when a guy did the asking out, and I think that could largely because men think they're supposed to do the asking, and think a girl who's asking them out must be somehow desperate. This isn't something that girls are too lazy to do- it's something they aren't really ABLE to do because our society still blows so much.

gormless

@paddlepickle Sure, yes, I understand, but that's a copout, really, because both men and women want things to be different. Guess what? It rarely works out when most guys ask women out, too. It's a leap of faith no matter who does the asking.

If you want things to be different, you have to do things differently. Not to mention I think it's a safe assumption that most of the women who read and post on The Hairpin are not the type of women who are interested in dudes who are Patriarchy First types (bro culture types).

Springtime for Voldemort

@gormless I've heard from quite a few different women than they asked, and he said yes, and then years later they found out he wasn't that into her in the first place, and if he wanted to be with her (or in one woman's case, marry her), he would have asked her himself. And none of these guys were particularly bro-ey or anything.

gormless

@Springtime for Voldemort I .. um.. okay? The plural of anecdote is not data. Not really sure what you're saying at all, other than your friends date really indecisive, wishy-washy guys. Seriously, ladies, asking a guy out will not result in a multi-year relationship that the dude feels forced into that could have been avoided if he had just been given the chance to ask the lady out himself (or not).

There is nothing gender-essentialist about dating.

I guess I'm being rather combative about all of this because I just got dumped. By a lady who asked me out first. Which was great, because I would have had no idea she was interested in me otherwise.

Springtime for Voldemort

@gormless I'm glad you came here to take your dating woes out on a bunch of ladies who did not dump you. Invalidating the experiences of tons of women is definitely the way to handle that appropriately.

adorable-eggplant

@Springtime for Voldemort If I asked someone out (which I do occasionally, because one half of the human population should not have to shoulder the asking burden alone) and they responded with "If I wanted to be with you, I would've asked you myself." My jaw would hit the pavement in shock. Because that's such a douchey thing to say. And it's like there's a venn diagram where the circle of douchey guys/people is actually much larger than just the ones who present as bros. Dudes who think ladies that ask are (what? forward? pushy?) going to entrap them because "well she asked, and there's no such phrase as 'thanks, but no thanks'" are spineless idiots. Like really dumb.

On the other hand, I'm sure those dudes exist and maybe even constitute a sizeable chunk of the population *shudder* but that won't stop me from asking the occasional hottie for coffee (what will stop me is the fact that I did ask one such hottie and we are now dating exclusively; he's assertive and expressive enough that I trust it's mutual).

adorable-eggplant

@gormless While I agree that balancing the asked/asker ratio is an important goal, I'm not going to let you off the hook for suggesting that saying there are structural/cultural barriers for women who do ask. Of course we'd all like to see that change, but that doesn't mean that individual experiences won't be pretty discouraging in the meanwhile.

And while it's not data, several posters have pointed out that they've had some pretty negative experiences asking people. And that's not surprising, really.

I've had both (positive and negative) but I have a lot of sympathy for folks who've only gotten backlash. Keep asking, I say, because hey you could find the diamond in the rough that doesn't feel threatened by being asked, and that person will be a keeper.

But lots of people will be discouraged, too. And that's a totally valid response to butting heads with the patriarchal society we live in (which is not just limited to overtly misogynist brodudes, as I mentioned in my previous post, but also includes people with entrenched/unexamined prejudices who think of themselves as good guys or progressive gals, but who in fact are carrying around a lot of baggage).

adorable-eggplant

@adorable-eggplant One more thought: actually that is two data points, so yes that is data. Not statistically significant/sorted/peer reviewed, but data nonetheless.

Springtime for Voldemort

@adorable-eggplant Yeah, it's definitely douchey. The douche cake, however, goes to the dude who not only said yes when she asked him out, not only dated her for several years, not only said yes when she asked him to marry her, but then waited until they had spent thousands of dollars in wedding deposits before letting her know that if he really wanted to marry her, he'd have asked her years ago.

My first boyfriend dated me for a year instead of just saying no. He knew he was gay, and yet when I asked if he'd like to be my boyfriend, did the motherfucker say no? No. He did not. And then he did not say no for the entire rest of 7th grade. I asked him years later why he didn't just say no if he knew he didn't like girls, and his response was ".... I dunno. Cuz I was 12, I guess?" and then never apologized. I've kept asking, with various degrees of success, but you'd think one of the perks of how we construct masculinity is that dudes would feel ok with saying no.

adorable-eggplant

@Springtime for Voldemort Whoa. That's intensely weird and passive aggressive. Thousands of dollars. I just cannot even imagine how pissed I would be.

I think some people say they never really cared because they think it will hurt the other person, but it doesn't occur to them how badly that reflects on their character. If you didn't care, why did you stay, you big coward?

I'm a bit more tolerant of 7th grade doucheness, if only because I was a holy terror at that age and can only look back with befuddled wonderment at the relationship strategies I thought were totally appropriate to adopt.

adorable-eggplant

@adorable-eggplant "is a copout" one of my rambling comments was missing that crucial part of a phrase.

I'm Not Rufus

@gormless I'm totally in favor of being asked out by ladies. If I'm interested, then obviously I'm glad to be asked. If I'm not, it's vastly less awkward to turn down someone you're not interested in if they actually ask you instead of sending vague, coy signals of interest for prolonged periods of time.

audraaudra

This one text message that takes the cake over "just hanging out at home, bored" is the "you up?" text at 1am.
That happened a lot last year from a guy I knew who was 1) super fucking hot and 2) really fun so I just went along with it. But watch out ladies, when you come back to school, he'll date another girl, never tell you that he has a girlfriend, break up with her then tell you "I love you and you're the only girl I care about." Don't believe it (I did)!

I am a total idiot.
He is SOOOO hot though.

RNL
RNL

@audraaudra Sometimes they're really hot! What can you do.

It can be hard to recognize being treated well when you haven't been treated like crap! I guess. Or something. I still dump nice guys for being boring, though, which I guarantee has something to do with my dad.

Oh god oh god. I just realized I'm currently sleeping with a exciting cruel dude who looks like my dad while also seeing a nice kind dude who doesn't. I mean, I didn't just realize I'm doing that, but I just realized the correlation with my dad, and I kind of want to barf.

theotherginger

@When robot unicorns attack shoot. that is unfortunate.

NeverOddOrEven

@audraaudra
I hate that the fact that women like to fuck hot people too and will tolerate a lot of bullshit to get there translates into us being dumb and easy to manipulate, when a guy doing the same thing is manipulating the dumb girl.
My kery first kiss was from this skeevy ass kid who thought he was playing me like a fiddle. I was riding it out to see how far it would go and watching him make an ass of himself.
I always think of this when I hear Fiona Apple's Shadowboxer. "I was on to every play, I just wanted you"

titsgrande

this is how my husband and i met. true story. especially the booze part and the movie part. he didnt suggest condoms though. he just grabbed my boobs. im a lucky lucky lady!

Iconoclassicist

1. Buy her two of whatever wine is on happy hour special.
2. Invite her back to your place to watch cute panda videos on Youtube.
3. Ask her if she want to make out. If she says no, no more panda videos!

Aunty Christ

@Iconoclassicist The 'punishment' you get from denying a guy sex is the worst. I know they're probably embarrassed, but their reaction makes me feel so cheap.

Michael Gray

Great post.. the more straightforward you are the more open she becomes.. Girls like surprises.. so give a shot ;)

Michael Gray

Also A weird loop-hole in female psychology
that makes hot women want to sleep with ordinary men
over and over again is well described here.. check out http://bit.ly/WZ28rr

stuart

Your post was very nicely written. I’ll be back in the future for sure!
masters in clinical psychology

17508669@twitter

This actually is great advice, a bit incomplete on how to get things to that level, but I especially like the 2nd suggesion. I call it "Fear Of The Empty Apartment" texting and it hasn't gotten me laid like crazy in the past.

But anything this article is lacking (how to get her sexually aroused enough to want to meet up with you in the first place you can get by checking this out:

http://SeductionCrashCourse.com

That video series is not only entertaining but also super informative on how to get laid in just 7 days.

Jak Down

@17508669@twitter the baby's natural timing, common potty timing, and the parents' intuition. It is believed that a deeper bond is created between child and parent through the strengthening of this communication how do i teach my toddler to potty train

Jak Down

the baby's natural timing, common potty timing, and the parents' intuition. It is believed that a deeper bond is created between child and parent through the strengthening of this communication.how do i teach my toddler to potty train

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