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Tuesday, November 20, 2012

137

What It Sounds Like Your Coworker's Eating: A Gchat Log

I can't tell if Eric is eating or drinking from the sound he's making :(

It sounds like Eric is chewing peanut butter and silly putty.

God Eric, sounds like oatmeal and tunafish.

Oh Eric, are you eating some cold cuts covered in chewing gum?

Oh Eric, are you eating an apple covered with hot fudge?

Oh Eric, are there 5 lbs of live minnows in your soda? So you're swallowing tiny swimming fish along with the beverage? Because that's what it sounds like.

Oh Eric, are you eating a combination of Jell-o and popcorn?

Eric is just eating saltwater taffy covered in honey. 

Oh Eric, did you just kiss a half-eaten peach?

Oh no Eric is crunching on a bag of nails. As a snack.

Oh Eric, are you quietly munching on wet leaves and soggy chicken skin?

Oh Eric, are you swishing wet paper and raw bacon around in your mouth?

I think Eric just swallowed a skinless peach whole.

Looks like Eric found some French fries dipped in yogurt.

Eric just licked all his fingers, as if today wasn't bad enough.

It sounded like Eric was making porridge in his mouth just now.

Eric is eating wet sponges covered in jelly.

For the record, when Eric eats fruit at his desk, it sounds like his mouth is giving birth to a million worms.

Oh good, we're staying late, so Eric's decided this is a good time to do a load of greasy laundry in his mouth with olive oil as detergent.

So Eric is chewing a piece of gum the size of a fist and filled with a pudding cream center.

Ewww Eric you answered the phone with food in your mouth and I can hear it swishing around in there from hereerererer.

Oh my %$#@ing god Eric, your mouth is the worst thing in the universe.

%$#@ Eric. What are you eating now? I wish I was dead. Molasses? Just straight eating molasses?

I was going to finish up some work before going to lunch, but Eric brought a sandwich back to his desk so I have to leave immediately.

ERIC are you sucking on a raw chicken lollipop right now????

OMG ERIC STOP SLURPING STOP SLURPING STOP SLURPING

Me: They came back from Starbucks. And I was so excited to get my drink. And then so sad when Eric got his drink.
Kasia: What's his drink? Liquefied bananas with wet pasta?
Me:  Yes. That's what he gets. It's his favorite. I can't believe you can get that at Starbucks.

Oh my god Eric is just swishing corn chowder around in his mouth like mouthwash.

 

Joanna Borns is a writer in New York City.

137 Comments / Post A Comment

aeroaeroaero

I WORK WITH AN ERIC!

fondue with cheddar

@aeroaeroaero ME TOO.

fondue with cheddar

@aeroaeroaero A few years ago we went to this weekly film festival together after work. We would carpool and stop at Wawa (a convenience store) on the way to grab some dinner, which we would eat in the car. Sitting next to him in a small, enclosed space while he eats was the worst thing in the history of things.

saul "the bear" berenson

@aeroaeroaero Same here. I'm pretty sure my Eric can polish off an italian sandwich on a roll (extra oil, vinegar, mayo, and salt) in six bites. six.

TheclaAndTheSeals

@Moxie At least it's over quickly?

olivia

@fondue with cheddar ME TOO. I've complained about him so much that my friend actually thought I was the person who wrote this article.

He is the reason I bought Bose noise-cancelling headphones, which do block most of it out.

fondue with cheddar

@olivia Haha. That's a great idea. Fortunately my "Eric" sits about 20 feet away, and the place is noisy enough that I don't hear him eating from my desk. But my other coworker's desk is right next to his. I emailed him a link to this post, of course.

wearitcounts

@aeroaeroaero et al I WORK WITH ERIC'S TWIN SISTER IT IS THE WORST. we have a theory that she's actually trying to tell us that nobody could possibly enjoy food as much as she enjoys food, which: fine. you win. i totally believe you. stop now?

this woman also has a propensity for eating citrus fruit, slurp by slurp, over the trash can in the kitchen. LIKE A HOMELESS PERSON.

olivia

@fondue with cheddar Sadly Eric is my office mate, so he sits about 6 feet away from me. Part of why I work hard is the dream of a promotion or two so I can have my very own office.

Have I mentioned he's a mouthbreather? And the mouthbreathing doesn't stop while he's eating?

fondue with cheddar

@olivia NO. That means you have to listen to it ALL DAY. I'm so sorry.

That reminds me, when I was in preschool there was this boy named Matthew who would go OMNOMNOM the entire time he was eating. Even stuff like lollipops that didn't require chewing! It drove me crazy even then, and I would just look at him like what is WRONG with you?

martinipie

This is amazing and I am trying really hard not to laugh in my rather silent workplace. Ugh, we all know a fucking Eric! My freshman year roommate had jaw problems so I feel bad, but she made the most disgusting noises. I had to actually leave the room if she was eating in there. I don't think she ever noticed the correlation though...

AmandathePanda

@martinipie My mother is like that. The popping and cracking! AUGH. I have slight jaw problems and I am terrified of making those noises.

fondue with cheddar

@martinipie Shit, I've got major jaw problems and now I'm worried that I've been making disgusting noises all these years!

Flies in my eyes

@martinipie I too have major jaw problems. And it does gross people out sometimes. I am just careful what and where I eat. Sadly as it has gotten worse I can't eat bagels in public anymore. But I for years I have known that I can't eat twizzlers or nibs in a movie theater. People get really grossed out when they realize you aren't eating almonds.

Anne Helen Petersen

Academics get little pay and little respect, but at least I have an enormous office where I can disgustingly eat my popcorn all by myself.

Vera Knoop

@Anne Helen Petersen Lucky you. Where I work, they pack the adjuncts in 12 to a room.

The Widow Muspratt

You're all Erics to me.

anitabath

@akapocalypse TELL ME ABOUT IT. http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/06/health/06annoy.html?_r=0 it's actually always the worst. I need music or television or any kind of white noise if I'm going to be around people eating.

anniemac

@anitabath I have this too. My fiance is tolerant of my disorder, considering what a jerk I can be when he's eating. My biggest fear is getting stuck next to a gum chewer on a plane or some other enclosed space. I almost had the leave a movie last night because of the popcorn eaters.

Megasus

HAHAHAHA! I'm not sure if this article is made more hilarious by the fact my ex's name is Eric.

RNL
RNL

@Megano! May they all go to a special norse hell!

iceberg

oh my god i hink i AM the eric. but that didn't stop me from ugly-cry-laughing at my desk just now.

M'fly

@iceberg I'm the Eric too! I'm trying to get better but I have a horrible habit of eating like I just got out of prison, and with my mouth wide open. I am so gross you guys!

New Hoarder

@M'fly And I am the Eric according to my husband. When eating my Cheerios and chocolate chips on weekend mornings my jaw snaps and cracks. =-(

Mingus_Thurber

@New Hoarder I am fascinated with your breakfast choices.

New Hoarder

@Mingus_Thurber Chocolate chips are a passable substitute for morning vitamins in my mind. I feel like I can justify that somehow, just not sure.

New Hoarder

@New Hoarder *just not sure how

fabel

Ahhhh, I don't know how you had this conversation while Eric was SITTING RIGHT THERE I WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN ABLE TO HIDE MY LAUGHTER

Heat Signature

My father makes these really loud like, grunting noises when he eats? It's one of his more disturbing qualities (among many).

AmandathePanda

@Heat Signature I have a friend who makes small, appreciative sounds that aren't quite grunts and aren't quite moans or lip smacks but are definitely sounds. "Agmmm. Chew chew chew this is a really good salad. Chew aughmm."

whizz_dumb

@AmandathePanda So your friend is an attenuated Bob from What About Bob?

lisma

@Heat Signature my cat does that. They're smaller grunts, meow/grunts.

catwithglasses

@lisma I tend to make tony, satisfied "mmm" sounds when I'm eating something delicious at home (actually, anywhere). I don't even realize I'm doing it most of the time. Oddly, knowing a cat does it makes me feel less awkward. It's a habit across the animal kingdom!

Scandyhoovian

Oh my god, I supervise a room full of Erics.

teaandcakeordeath

The whole time I was picturing Eric Northman from True Blood. Dang.

martinipie

@teaandcakeordeath Bloodsucking is a noisy business, yo.

Jaya

I have a coworker who just eats tuna from the can and greek yogurt and some sort of protein shake and when she shakes it up OH THE NOIIIIIIISE.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@Jaya Why do people eat things straight out of the can? Are they aware that they look like cartoon hobos?

oh! valencia

Oh I feel nauseous just reading the descriptions! The olive oil laundry one brought tears to my eyes.

Ophelia

@oh! valencia I had to stop reading for fear of puking.

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

I have a coworker who eats without regard for anyone else's ears. That's why I work with noise-cancelling headphones.

Hellcat

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose My BF keeps telling me to do that but my chair faces away from oncoming office traffic so I need to hear people walking up to me (on top of being a chewing nazi, I am also easily startled).

Waterbears

I used to work with an Eric! How is it that some people just bring whatever the hell they want to eat to work? I always tried to bring polite, silent food, like turkey and cheese sandwiches on squishy bread. Meanwhile this asshole is across the room with like 5 juicy apples and a sandwich on the kind of crusty bread that can only be eaten by, like, rending it apart with your bared teeth like some kind of wild animal and then chewing each bite for a solid minute.

Now I have an office to myself. Fucking right.

TheBourneApproximation

@KEO Office to self = enduring happiness.

Apples. Fricking apples. I had a college roommate who used to sloooowly eat apples. Her hippie boyfriend ate them even more slowly and slurpingly. Until he reached the core, which he also ate with a sickening crunch. To this day, the sound unlocks the "psychotic rage" portion of my brain. (Though I never say anything and usually just translate it into a twitch. I hope I don't snap one of these days! :D)

SarcasticFringehead

@TheBourneApproximation I have this weird thing where the sound of raw apples being eaten has the same effect on me as the sound of nails on a chalkboard, so I really do have to leave the room sometimes when people are eating them. Which I can do to an extent at work, but not when I'm in class. Gah.

Hellcat

@SarcasticFringehead Buy the offenders an apple slicer! You look like A Nice and maybe the smaller pieces will make less noise... at least until after the initial bite-into stage of apples.

lisma

A former co-worker who had the cubicle adjacent to mine used to make horrible squishy fruit-eating sounds. It made my flesh crawl. He also always PLUNKED into his seat instead of just sliding into his chair quietly.

par_parenthese

@lisma YE GODS are all these people fifteen-year-old boys? Because they sound like my students, who are mainly fifteen-year-old boys.

RNL
RNL

Hahahahahah I'm imagining this is my terrible ex named Eric and it's making me happy.

sudden but inevitable betrayal

@RNL ...what is happening in your userpic? It looks like Barbie had a baby with a unicorn. I MUST KNOW!

RNL
RNL

@sudden but inevitable betrayal Hahaha! It's an image from Robot Unicorn Attack, which is some sort of game. I haven't played it but I like robots and unicorns? I like robots and unicorns.

TheMnemosyne

If I'm eating, it's not so bad. If I'm in a public area (like my desk) and all I can hear is you eating huge handfuls of kettle chips with your mouth open, I will have a brain aneurysm trying to keep from stabbing you in the throat. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP

nowwhat

@TheMnemosyne Ohmygod, this just reminded me that when I was taking the MFing English Lit GRE one of the proctors began eating a bag of kettle chips. Reeeeaching in really slowly, then draaaawing out the chip really slowly, bag crinkling all the while, then a slow, self-conscious wet crunch. I wanted to chop his hands off.

Hellcat

@nowwhat AAAAAGGGGHHHH! I always wonder how these people make a crunchy thing sound so wet!

TheBourneApproximation

When science develops a cyborg augmentation to turn off all noise to the human hear, I will be a much happier human being.

kickupdust

ohhhhh god mouth noises are the BANE OF MY EXISTENCE. my uncle is an Eric and it makes family dinners so so painful.

noodge

hahahahaha must be from gchat logs of someone who has misophonia.

mr teenie slurps salad. i die. every. time.

saul "the bear" berenson

@teenie Yes! I just was posting about misophonia, which I totally have. Quite the realization, figuring out that there is a reason why I wanted to throttle my mother throughout my teen years.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Misophonia

TheMnemosyne

@Moxie oh my G-d I think I have that thing

Summer Somewhere

@teenie There is a word for this madness?!!

rosencrantz

@teenie oh my god you've made my day. Knowing there's a word for this and that it's a thing makes me feel so much better about my mini rage strokes.

MoxyCrimeFighter

@teenie OH. MY. GOD. I NEVER KNEW THERE WAS A NAME FOR THIS.

I mean, I'm generally sort of against pathologizing every little experience, but whatever, everyone can call anything whatever they want if I get to have an official diagnosis for this because it ABSOLUTELY messes with my life. Boyfriends broken up with, friends I can't sit next to at dinner/eat with at all, family dinners abandoned early because I'll freak out, co-workers I've had to move away from, hearing loss from turning up my headphones to drown out the noises (only slightly exaggerating). I've had people tell me I'm just too sensitive and fussy, but like, do you think I ENJOY this? I hate it! I hate feeling like I'm being attacked by sounds that nobody else seems to notice or care about. Chewing noises, sniffing, repetitive coughing, snoring, throat clearing, that gross thing when people hork mucus way back into their nose, gum cracking...the bane of my existence.

That being said, do you think an official diagnosis would let me whip out an ADA card to get a private office? Or some medical marijuana?

noodge

@MoxyCrimeFighter
you are clearly one of my people.
apparently, according to my former therapist, this is a somewhat OCD-like behavior, so it tends to point to anxiety at its root, therefore..... YES! i think you definitely should get some medical marijuana!

For me, it's always been a struggle. and i know my dad had it pretty bad too (i distinctly remember him freaking out when my sister or i would have a cold and he had to drive us somewhere while we were sniffling or coughing... pulling over at drug stores to get us medicine to knock us out, etc). the most beneficial treatment i've found thus far is my buddhist studies and meditation, which has helped my angst/neurosis/anxieties in huge ways.

saul "the bear" berenson

@moxycrimefighter Yes! Welcome! There are others like you, you are not crazy! I actually play a white noise sound from my iphone at my desk to dissipate the Erics in my small office.

@noodge According to what I've read, it's actually more like a weird neurological thing where your brain is super-sensitive to certain low-level auditory stimulus. So it's not an obsessive kind of thing, which was a major relief. This piece from the Times has some helpful info.

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/06/health/06annoy.html?_r=0

noodge

@Moxie ahhh, that's really interesting! I hadn't researched it much in the last couple of years, so I hadn't seen this article yet. THANKS!

MoxyCrimeFighter

@noodge I always assumed it was an anxiety thing because it seemed to go along with my slightly OCD tendencies (hi, bleeding fingers, ew I'm gross) - and I definitely have that compulsion to mimic when it gets too much for me (I think because when I'm making the noise, it doesn't annoy me?). Even though my office is pretty relaxed, I don't think anyone would look kindly on me lighting up a J haha; thank God I sit pretty far away from almost everyone, and my cubemate is quiet as far as that goes.

But maybe it's actually a brain-thing? Hmm... That makes me feel better and worse.

Gef the Talking Mongoose

@MoxyCrimeFighter : Oh God, are we the same person? Let's form a messed-up-brain and chewy-fingers club.

MoxyCrimeFighter

@Gef the Talking Mongoose That would either be the best club ever because we'd all be so polite, or it would end in a Battle Royale as everybody's different triggers went off. "We can't identify them from their dental records, there's just nothing left of their faces! ...And their fingers have been gnawed to bits, wtf."

meetapossum

I feel like because I'm not on-board with everyone's rage here that I must BE Eric.

shantasybaby

@meetapossum Naw, I think we're just laid back. I've never been annoyed by other people's eating sounds. Now, smell on the other hand, that I can be bothered by. But like I've told my office mate "wow that sandwich is stanky!" but I know not everyone had that relationship with their co-workers (or, rather, prefer not to address issues directly i.e. the lady we shared the office with who hated my baby carrots. Yes, they are kind of loud, and I'd never eat them in a shared work environment again, but she could have said something to me instead of to my boss, who did not tell me to stop but just thought it was funny.)

baked bean

@shantasybaby Yeah I'm a little thrown off here. Like, they're baby carrots? How are they that annoying? What are you supposed to eat?

Packing lunches with variety is hard enough, now I have to worry about whether or not my food will annoy other people?

meetapossum

@baked bean I will never stop eating apples in the office. Sorry I'm not sorry, everyone who hates the sound of apples!

baked bean

@meetapossum Yeah I didn't realize this was a thing, but I'm not going to stop eating apples because they're my main lunch fruit... just throw it in the bag and you're good.

baked bean

@meetapossum I also had a professor once that hated the smell of bananas and I always had a banana for breakfast in his class and I sat right next to him. Ha.

The Lady of Shalott

My first high-school boyfriend was the world's most disgusting eater. He had no table manners and held the fork in his fist like a shovel, and gobbled food with his mouth yawing open, and slurped and slobbered and oh god I feel sick just thinking about it.

But weirdly enough, besides that he was extremely polite and well-mannnered! It's just like his manners had this awful empty spot where EATING should have been filed.

Oliver St. John Mollusc

@The Lady of Shalott I feel like every gross eater I know is that way! None of them are, like, rude awful people like Peter Luger Girl (SHE probably eats her steak in a vacuum of silence). So you can never quite bring yourself to say anything because you KNOW they'd be totally mortified. Why is food so hard??

par_parenthese

@The Lady of Shalott The school where I teach (WHICH IS THE BEST) is populated with kids who are generally some of the most polite and well-mannered little darlins you could ever hope to meet. They say Yes Ma'am and No Ma'am and practically fight over who gets to run little errands for their teachers and are almost always a joy to be around. BUT. They eat lunch like starved truckers with ten minutes to live: shouting across the table, food bits flying, half-lying in their plates, ketchup dripping out of their mouths and down their fronts.

Some days it's so bad that I would really relish throttling each and every parent in the carpool line. Seriously, do they serve dinner at, like, a refugee feeding center every night and thus have no time to teach their offspring to do normal human things like chew with their mouths closed and take one bite at a time and hold their forks as though they do in fact possess opposable thumbs? Have their children learned table manners only by observing said refugees, and thus believe it to be acceptable in polite society to scoop up their food with their fingers and cram it into their mouths as quickly as possible? Do they think that the only difference between an 18-month-old's mealtime behavior and a 10-year-old's is the complexity of vocabulary and syntax?

The Lady of Shalott

@par_parenthese I don't even believe that. My boyfriend and his little brother lived in a refugee camp as little kids, and my mother-in-law would have throttled them stupid if they'd ever eaten like that. EVEN AT A REFUGEE CAMP. She is the tiniest, gentlest woman, but pretty sure she would have curbstomped both those kids if they'd eaten like that.

HeyMatilda

Currently at this precise moment in time, there is someone in my vicinity snapping her gum in her mouth....and she has been ALL DAY.

Hellcat

@HeyMatilda I just don't get it...

MilesofMountains

I think I am an Eric. I eat constantly at my desk. I eat fruit, I eat baby carrots, once I even ate celery. I pour tea from my tea pot into my cup. Sorry, coworkers, but I'm not going to stop, either.

Angry Panda

@MilesofMountains Yeah, I am a desk snacker, too. And I am eating every few hours. I am sorry, world!

Hellcat

@Angry Panda I didn't take it as a vendetta against desk eaters in general (of which I am one because god forbid I can get away from it ever), but of big loud sloppy-slappy-mouthed ones.

Angry Panda

@Hellcat I know, but I know (from being one of them) that it is very easy to get on the nerves of the easily-annoyed. And maybe my constant eating is annoying my officemate? I dare not ask because I cannot stop.

Hellcat

@Angry Panda As a fellow easily annoyed folk, I will say that the constant eating has never been an issue that bugged me; it's the knowing that there is constant eating... even when I am eight feet away with my back turned.

Angry Panda

@Hellcat That's reassuring, thank you. I will continue snacking my way through the day (silently). :-)

catwithglasses

@MilesofMountains I also eat complicated sandwiches and apples at my desk! But I'm not the worst in our office as part as weird sounds. I have a coworker whose morning yawns sounds like he is actively dying. It makes me shudder every time.

melmuu

"I wish I was dead" and "giving birth to a million worms" made me laugh so much. This is the best.

blueblazes

Mr. Blueblazes is a soup slurper. Also a leftover milk int he cereal bowl slurper. Really, all non-bottled liquids.

What really gets me is that when I ask him to stop, he does. So clearly he is slurping for dramatic effect.

Are noisy eaters those kids who didn't get enough hugs? Are they just crying out for attention?

noodge

@blueblazes mr teenie does this too, and i think it's because he can't help eating with gusto. he is such a foodie, and he cooks mostly all of our meals, and he loves loves loves to relish his food.

siniichulok

@blueblazes Mr. Siniichulok does this too! He also loves oranges and he snorfles them when he eats them, which usually only moderately bothers me, but when I have a migraine, dear G-d....

sudden but inevitable betrayal

@blueblazes I am a slurper. :( I also eat apples at work. Oh, god, I think I might be the Eric...!

SarahDances

@blueblazes I had a classmate ask me last week to please stop slurping my coffee, and it was only then that I even realized I was slurping! And as I sat, silently drinking the rest of my coffee, I realized by the great amount of concentration it was taking, that I must always slurp! But I didn't even know! I am sorry for being gross!

fondue with cheddar

@blueblazes My boyfriend inhales when he eats wet foods with a spoon. He says he does it to keep liquid from dripping off the spoon. So every time he takes a spoonful, it sounds like hehhhhhp... hehhhhhp...hehhhhhp... It takes every ounce of effort during breakfast not to scream at him, because I'm not a morning person (he is) and I just don't have the patience first thing in the morning.

Hellcat

Oh, holy hell, this is an issue near and dear to my heart...which grows ever more unforgiving as my coworker chows on whole heads (?) of Romaine lettuce--just bite-bite-biting off pieces from the stalk all the livelong day. And she's a loud, wet chewer.

Hellcat

@Hellcat Oh, also I made a mistake the other day--I don't know what I was thinking--by giving her a lollipop. Why, why, why did I do that? But I am so glad that there are other people who feel this way; it makes me feel less like some crazed intolerant jerk and more normal (because it is normal!).

yeah-elle

I know several Erics. It's not like they shove the food in willy-nilly, or eat like ogres, or are super sloppy or anything else like that. It's just the sounds. OH GOD THE SOUNDS.

chickaboom

this is. my. life.

rimy

I have super-gross coworkers. I sit on the opposite side of a cubicle wall from a woman who has horrible smoker's cough that I can smell every time she has a coughing fit and talks about her disgusting health issues (stomach yeast infection?? hemmorhoids?? constant sinus infections?) loudly on the phone so I can hear it. I would feel bad if she was making any kind of an effort but on her breaks she goes out to her van, sits inside it with the engine running and the windows closed, and smokes like a chimney. Then if she needs to ask me a question she will come to my desk and stand so close I can feel her body heat and almost suffocate from her cigarette-stank and she'll breath in my face as she talks to me. She also loudly slurps on hard candy several times a day.
I also used to sit near a guy who would crack open a soda can and loudly GLUG IT ALL DOWN when he came in first thing in the morning. 8:00 AM IN THE MORNING. GUZZLING COLA AND STIFLING ENSUING NUMEROUS BURPS.

datalass

@rimy At perhaps my lowest professional point, I worked with a guy who would start each day (he came in around 7:00AM) by microwaving a corn dog. Every. Single. Day. The unwrapping of the dog. The punching of the microwave buttons. The unholy nuked corn dog odor. Then the eating.

fondue with cheddar

@rimy @datalass I think this is why people "go postal".

rimy

@fondue with cheddar Seriously, sometimes I feel like yelling at nasty-lungs lady something horrible like "just choke on your phlegm and die already!". Wow, I am horrible. But to be fair, she has given me the flu SEVERAL TIMES already. From her incessant phlegmy spittle-y CHRONIC BRONCHITIS (not joking here) nicotine-y disgusting COUGHING!!!

Also one time she had to get surgery ON HER VAGINA and she talked about the SLOW AND DISGUSTING HEALING PROCESS on the PHONE and I almost PUKED from her gross-ass descriptions of various FLUIDS AND EXCRETIONS.

fondue with cheddar

@rimy WOW. It's like she's TRYING to be gross. You are not horrible. In fact, you're a saint for not having murdered her by now. Really.

Superb Owl

OH MY GOD. I registered just to say that I have THE SAME COWORKER. Or at least, a very similar one. I'd think you worked with me, except that the poor girl who actually has to share a cubicle wall with our Cigarette Smoking Woman would be using a lot more netspeak in her comment, haha.

sandwiches

@rimy this is an oldish thread but I sort of feel like the time has come for a passive-aggressive note?

SarahP

The worst for me is people on the bus. Any of these things are annoying in an office, but you can get up and go to the bathroom or try working with your headphones or something like that--when the girl next to you on the bus is making whip-craking noises with her gum every 30 seconds, or the dude right behind you has just opened a bag of doritos and is going to eat every. single. one. with his mouth open--ahhhh I'm freaking out just writing this.

datalass

@SarahP I was in line for the bus last night right in front of a woman who was cracking her gum with a vengeance. I was pretty testy anyway (late getting home because of a pointless meeting), so I couldn't resist giving her the side-eye. To her credit, she stopped with the gum-cracking.

But then she started humming.

SuperGogo

@SarahP I always manage to take the train seat directly in front of the person cracking and chewing gum like it's cud. Always.

lindsayishere

I totally sit by an Eric. Apple time is when I suddenly remember the pressing questions I had for HR and Marketing, and go visit!

Also, how about people who vocalize their sneezes? RRAAAAAAACHOO!! x3. A sneeze does not necessarily involve your vocal chords, and especially not at high volume! Can we tone that down a notch? But open-mouth chewing and crunchy food eating is still worse.

Gef the Talking Mongoose

@lindsayishere : One of my best friends in high school would sneeze with a big windup and then clamp down at the end of it, somehow holding in the sneeze so it was like aaaaAAAAAAAHHHHHHH*hnk*. It was simultaneously nerve-wracking and awesome -- I was always worried that someday the built-up pressure would overcome his skull's structural strength and his head would just detonate, Scanners-style.

lexmarie

@Gef the Talking Mongoose I think you're talking about my husband! Seriously, is your friend's name Joe? I have never met a person who sneezes like him. Although, actually, he might do kind of the opposite. He doesn't actually sneeze. He sort of just says "Choo!" but kind of quietly. And I am totally the Eric in our relationship. I've definitely gotten the side-eye from him while eating pizza.

Hellcat

@lindsayishere We have someone who coughs like this, like with a yell mingled in there with the extremely loud, exactly the same every time coughs at regular intervals that are not far enough apart for my taste. I don't know why but it sounds "childlike" to me, as well as annoying as hell.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@Hellcat That sounds exactly like Rachel at my office! Who does EVERYTHING loudly and has had some kind of tuberculosis for almost a month now. The coughing!

Hellcat

@Rookie Oh, does Rachel's ring out through the whole place, or is my office just especially echoey?

fondue with cheddar

I once heard Jim Carrey say that hell is an eternity of listening to old people breathe through their noses while eating sandwiches.

tandemkas

@fondue with cheddar sounds right to me but instead of eating, toothlessly gumming.

ragazza

I remember there was a girl in college who used to smack her lips while eating while we watched TV and I always had to leave. These days what drives me most nuts is people who constantly sniffle and refuse to blow their nose. I'm going to have to start passively-aggressively offering them a tissue. Although this week I'm the asshole because I have a sinus infection/cold that just WILL NOT GO AWAY and I'm constantly clearing my throat to clear the phlegm. Sorry coworkers.

allofthewine

@ragazza I do the passive aggressive tissue offer all the time. "Are you sure you don't want a tissue? Here's an entire box for your fountain of snot."

MsLiryc

This would drive me insane. I am a person who cannot hear people eat because it would make me want to throw up. I went out on a date once and this guy was smacking his lips loudly I politely excused myself went to the bathroom and immediately hailed a cab home. I cannot stand that. If that was my coworker I would need to video tape him and show it to him. GUH-ROSE!

Verity

Eric just licked all his fingers, as if today wasn't bad enough.

One of my co-workers does this. It is the worst. Erics!

Hellcat

@Verity Mine too. Just when I think it's all over, then comes the encore of licking each finger with an audible "pop."

kdub

My coworker doesn't eat gross things but she's got this big echo-y head so when she's eating something crunchy it sounds like they're demolishing the building.

Killerpants

This is the funniest thing I've ever read. Really. Seriously. I work with an Eric and I'm in our little office with him right now, and I could only read 2 or 3 before the pressure of holding in the laugh got so bad I had to stop for a few minutes. There were tears. I finally broke at "It sounded like Eric was making porridge in his mouth just now." Oops. Author, you are my new favorite person.

itiresias

I'm perpetually afraid/have given in to just accepting that I'm Eric. It may be a gross overstatement. But it may not be. I've always assumed that the people who share close working quarters with me must find me repulsive for a boatload of reasons, because when you're sitting at a desk all day, who knows that's going to go down without you even realizing it?

Dirty Hands

This article is making me an Eric in the library right now because I cannot stop snorting from laughter every time I read bits of it.

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