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Monday, November 26, 2012

69

What Is White Wine Good For?

You've seen the surfeit of reports that tell you red wine is THE BEST EVER for you, right?

Red wine strengthens your bones, gives you glowing skin, and helps stave off early aging of your brain cells.

But what about white wine?

White wine will take up space in your refrigerator, just chilling out. It will also make you use up your monthly text allowance on your cell phone ("When can I c u xoxoxoxo?").

White wine pairs great with chicken and light fish, because it hates ruminants. White wine was once quoted as saying, "Cows are ruining the planet with methane, and bison are the juicebox versions of cows; did you see that one attack a man at Yellowstone?" White wine is animal-bigoted.

White wine will hide your tennis shoes under the sofa (red wine always makes sure you put them right by your coat closet), and makes you wear those high-maintenance suede ankle boots to work. It will also hide your comfortable underwear and slippers. 

Red wine will help with your cognitive abilities when you get older, but white wine will make you say the things your mother says that make you roll your eyes. "You know, it is REALLY important to keep your cucumbers out of the refrigerator."  "I've done Waikiki and Maui. Let's do Lanai, and do yoga on stand-up-paddle boards."

White wine won't stain your teeth, but it will push your lipstick all the way up and drop it on the floor.

It will make you start winking at your pets during inappropriate moments. "Hey kitty! [wink] Come here and let me pet you while I'm peeing! Come here, silly! [wink]"

White wine will cause you to flirt wildly with random people at restaurants. It will make you physically hand the tip to the waiter and say, "Thank you for taking such good care of me tonight."

Empty white wine bottles will stare at you with a mix of resentment and boredom from the recycling bin. Empty red wine bottles will just ignore you the next morning. Red wine can kind of be a bitch.

Marissa Maciel likes to write about funny stuff, dark stuff, and political stuff. She blogs and tweets. As a member of a wine club, she keeps the reds and gifts the whites (except Albariños).

69 Comments / Post A Comment

Springtime for Voldemort

Wait. Other people only pet their cats while peeing when they're drunk? I thought that was something everyone did 24/7.

Ophelia

@Springtime for Voldemort I'm still trying to figure out how one keeps ones pets out of the bathroom?

SarahDances

@Ophelia My dogs believe using the toilet is a team sport requiring their participation.

Quick Brown Fox

@Ophelia
I suppose you could close the door, but my cat sits outside and meows and scratches under it if I do that.

StandardTuber

@Quick Brown Fox Cats, the Customs Inspectors of our lives.

Ophelia

@Quick Brown Fox Our door has a handle rather than a knob, so you can just push down on it, and if you simultaneously lean against the door, you're in. My dog figured out how to open it when I tried to shut him out as a puppy. (the lock is broken, but I can't bring myself to care enough to fix it).

Slutface

@Ophelia My cat jumps into my lap when I'm going to the bathroom. It was unnerving the first 100 times, but now I just let him jump up and read my magazine with me.

fondue with cheddar

@Springtime for Voldemort I always make a beeline for the bathroom when I first get home from work, and if I prevent the cats from greeting me by closing the door they get all sad.

The only time I close them out is when I've got my period, because I don't want them accidentally swishing their tail against my bloody pad.

Megasus

@Quick Brown Fox My dog SNIFFS UNDER THE DOOR LIKE A CREEPER

mwittier

@Megano! Sniffs forever, then sighs, mightily and forlornly, as though whatever he smells has him reminiscing with great melancholy. Which, gross.

Maladydee

@Springtime for Voldemort my cat will get in the litter box and go with me. Apparently peeing is a team sport in this house.

D.@twitter

@SarahDances My dogs too. I always close the door, but my dog Buffy, apparently worried that I'm doing something for which I need her help, will headbutt the door, bursting it dramatically open it if I haven't closed it firmly enough. If that doesn't work, I'll often emerge and have to step over a dog curled up outside the door, forlorn.
Meanwhile, the cats stubbornly refuse to leave the bathroom (it's the warmest room in the house) until I close the door.

Anne Helen Petersen

White wine will also write your Conclusion for you. Always. Trust.

maybe partying will help

@Anne Helen Petersen

Aaaagh where was this shining knowledge when I was in grad school

Anne Helen Petersen

@maybe partying will help I was hoarding it (and all the white wine) until I turned in my diss.

@serenityfound

@Anne Helen Petersen Bailey's is also very helpful in this.

antipretty

White wine will convince you that it's not a party until you've also invited their bff, Riesling. Because if one bottle to yourself is fun, imagine how much fun TWO bottles will be!

(spoiler: not fun. And the catalyst for a letter to A Clean Person about wool rugs)

Springtime for Voldemort

@antipretty Threesomes really do have a tendency to be better in theory than in practice.

StandardTuber

RE: the linked red wine article; there should be a wine label called Steady-Footed Pensioner.

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

White wine makes you feel like a badass because you're drinking it without even flinching like you do with most red wines, and then oops you've had a few too many and then oops you're hungover and apologizing to your puppy for forcing mandatory cuddle time upon him last night.

StandardTuber

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose
Pets really get the brunt of the white wine, don't they?

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@Mabissa "I'm going to nuzzle your muzzle with my extremely warm and red cheeks and aren't you so thrilled? Hooosagoodboyyooarr."

StandardTuber

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose
My cats get that too; "Oh you're so lucky to be a kitty, do you know that? [smooshes their ears back and cackles]."

NuckingFux Nix

@Mabissa So much relating going on over here. See also: Forced hind leg dancing "Cat, I'm a kitty cat!" style. (My cat's probably hate me.) (Evidenced by their attempts to smother me in my sleep each night.)

totallyunoriginal

White wines makes you wish you had a pet but you don't so you become overly affectionate with your boyfriend in public making him very uncomfortable until he starts force-feeding you bread in hopes to sober you up. It doesn't work.

sevanetta

@totallyunoriginal ding ding ding we have a winner, this is me. except i can't eat bread. lalala

Tallulah B

I'll have you know that bison are some of the most incredible, majestic animals around! Have you ever seen one up close? Or in a herd? They're enormous and fuzzy and can do a standing jump up to 6 feet in the air. They're totally amazing. Don't hate.

laurel

@Tallulah B: BABY BISON!

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@Tallulah B I get to see herds of bison nearly every time I drive home. They are primordial beasts that rightfully scare me but I can't help feeling like they'd like a good white wine snuggle... And that would be the end of Rose.

mc coolfriend

@Tallulah B Aauughh....I used to have an admin job at a seaport, and one time the Coast Guard came in. They were expecting a shipment, and they were being REALLY SECRETIVE, and like, hovering around waiting for it. So I listened outside the door and you know what was in the box? Bison heads! JUST THE HEADS! And then they were to deliver them to the rendezvous point at the local university for......dissection? Shamanistic full headdresses? What? What did the University of Top Secret Nuclear Warhead Stuffed Bison Brains (ok, no. It was the University of South Florida) need all those heads for? I still dont know!

rimy

@mc coolfriend Wow, that is so bizarre! I can't even think of a valid reason to have a bunch of bison heads shipped to you! Working at a seaport sounds kind of fun, though.

citizen knope

@Tallulah B Can you link to any videos of jumping bison? I love those majestic, fuzzy guys, so that would make my day!

mc coolfriend

@rimy Yeah, that was actually a pretty good job. It was like 8 or 9 years ago though. I did all the prep work around background checks for those entering the ports, and you know it turns out that pretty much everyone in the world has been arrested at least once. And I remember having a loosely held together theory, that the heads were for researching a new Mad Cow-ish strain of disease. I think it was relevant to current events at the time.

PistolPackinMama

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

hug

PistolPackinMama

@PistolPackinMama From bumblemumble.com

laurel

I almost twittered at A Clean Person on Friday because the very nice bottle of red we had at Thanksgiving somehow stained our teeth, lips and tongues like no other bottle of wine in my (lengthy) red wine drinking experience. We're still trying to scrub it off. Help, Cleanie, do you know anything about teeth?!

TARDIStime

@laurel
I'm not sure if this is true or not, but apparently if you chew on a wedge of lemon at the end of a big red-wine night, that will help?
You chew it the same way as when you do tequila shots.
One to put in the brain bank for next time?

StandardTuber

@laurel Maybe try swishing with very diluted hydrogen peroxide (like one teaspoon to 8 oz)? Or brush with a paste of baking soda and water?

laurel

@TARDIStime: Hmm, good to know.

@Mabissa: Have done all of the above! With salt also! Plain baking soda seems to help the most, but gah, still vaguely purple!

planforamiracle

@laurel My mom gave me a little tub of these "wine wipes" http://www.winewipes.com/ I feel like it's the nerdiest thing ever to carry around with me, so I haven't tried them yet. But I bet they work?
I was sort of offended, but also touched.. my mom has seen me with a very purple mouth plenty of times, for tricksy reasons. We went out for dinner one fateful time and she ordered a bottle of wine for the two of us, and then she drank one glass before she was like "oh I gotta drive, guess you have to drink the rest hahah!" it was kind of adorbs.

mousey

@laurel Activated charcoal. Buy the capsules - they sell them in vitamin stores - open one up and swirl with a little bit of water for a few minutes. It will remove tannins (ie red wine). It looks really frightening while you're doing it, because charcoal is black, but it is a totally non abrasive and non damaging way of whitening your teeth. More info here: http://www.crunchybetty.com/dazzle-whiten-your-teeth-with-activated-charcoal.

Hope this helps!

mwittier

Red wine is content to stain your tooth enamel; white wine feels like it's in there with a pick axe, peeling back your gums and mining for pulp.

RNL
RNL

White wine is happy for you to drink the entire bottle, and will reward you with a gentle malaise-focused morning after, rather than a strident, wholesome tannin headache.

Bittersweet

@When robot unicorns attack Nothing wholesome about a tannin headache.

flapadactyl

Analysis of rosé, please? I have some thoughts...

planforamiracle

@flapadactyl if you're predrinking at home, rosé will convince you that it's a good idea to wear a tiara, or jeweled fake eyelashes, or some other wacky/whimsical accessories out of the house to wherever your destination is.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@planforamiracle I just can't help but think of New Girl and "pink wine makes me slutty."

And now I always call it pink wine... even though I hate pink?

cinnamonskin

@planforamiracle Wait, you're saying that's not a good idea?

cinnamonskin

@flapadactyl My favorite rosé is Mulderbosch, and it says to me "maybe don't drink the whole bottle, but you won't get red wine teeth if you do, but also don't forget I'm kinda expensive, but on the other hand..." and then I give up and drink High Life.

planforamiracle

@cinnamonskin it would not be a good idea for me.. unless I were headed to a bachelorette? But if you can pull it off, more power to ya :)

cinnamonskin

@flapadactyl I support making any decision involving lashes, is all. And as a New Orleanian, you should never take my advice on "appropriate".

faustbanana

I was really hoping this was actually an article about the benefits of white wine :( If such benefits exist, I'm gonna live forever.

StandardTuber

@faustbanana Um, helping to take out red wine stains? And cooking with fish. That's all I got.

Ophelia

@Mabissa Deglazing pans?

StandardTuber

@Ophelia Deglazing eyes...!

PatatasBravas

White wine is a DICK.

she hissed passionately, squinting through her post-t-giving hangover

iknowright

CAVAAAAAAAAAAAAA

@serenityfound

White wine will help you cook Thanksgiving dinner for six all alone but then convince you it would be a great idea to do wheelbarrow "races" with your 16yo sister. You only find the disgusting rug burn on your elbow on Saturday morning. White wine laughs softly from the recycle bin.

TARDIStime

@@serenityfound
I wish I could at least negate the evils of white wine with dumping it in the recycle.
My local council doesn't accept fucking GLASS in the recycling bin. :-(

janejanejane

Oh Marissa, you make me sad. That anti-white wine diatribe, slanderous in its intent, could only have been fuelled by red wine. White wine makes me relaxed. It goes down easy (which is perhaps how it got such a bad reputation). It does not, however, make me a talented writer. Obviously.

happy go lucky scamp

White wine makes you think that cutting your own fringe would be a good idea (it's not)

NeverOddOrEven

@happy go lucky scamp
I cut all my hair myself now, bangs included. Bam!
http://www.amazon.com/CreaClip-C-01/dp/B004NMR6TY

It's not super well made or sturdy or anything, but gets the job done.
Just maybe don't start the self-cutting while drunk.

schrodingers_cat

white wine will convince you that your pets need wine too.

cinnamonskin

White wine, I love you. Even when you give me bad ideas and heartburn. You are the fabulous ex-lover of Planet Wine.

Angelena@twitter

kind of late to this party but wine gives me a migraine but i also really want to drink it. does any one know wines that dont give migraines?? i really want to know

babs

@Angelena@twitter My (totally unscientific) research shows that white wine aged in steel barrels tends to make me less headache-y. I'm guessing it has something to do with the absence of organic chemicals present in oak barrels?

I also prefer white wine really, really dry, and dry wines have less sugar (maybe?) which equals less hurting brains for me.

babs

@babs White wine will convince you you know things that you do not.

StandardTuber

@Angelena@twitter Some folks claim it's the tannins that give you headaches, so you can look for low-tannin wines. Alternatively you can always take an Advil or Tylenol before you start imbibing, right? Or would that cause complications?

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