Man Dissatisfied With Meal

Pete Wells goes freakin’ OFF on Guy Fieri’s new restaurant, man. You may remember that he also disliked Eleven Madison Park’s new menu with great gusto. Things he did not like (which are usually done so well in Times Square family-style restaurants backed by celebrities):

NOMENCLATURE
“Why is one of the few things on your menu that can be eaten without fear or regret — a lunch-only sandwich of chopped soy-glazed pork with coleslaw and cucumbers — called a Roasted Pork Bahn Mi, when it resembles that item about as much as you resemble Emily Dickinson?”

BEVERAGES
“Hey, did you try that blue drink, the one that glows like nuclear waste? The watermelon margarita? Any idea why it tastes like some combination of radiator fluid and formaldehyde?”

FOOD
“Were you struck by how very far from awesome the Awesome Pretzel Chicken Tenders are? If you hadn’t come up with the recipe yourself, would you ever guess that the shiny tissue of breading that exudes grease onto the plate contains either pretzels or smoked almonds? Did you discern any buttermilk or brine in the white meat, or did you think it tasted like chewy air?”

HOSTING
“If a customer shows up with a reservation at one of your two Tex Wasabi’s outlets, and the rest of the party has already been seated, does the host say, “Why don’t you have a look around and see if you can find them?” and point in the general direction of about 200 seats?”

GUY FIERI HIMSELF AS A PERSON
“Has anyone ever told you that your high-wattage passion for no-collar American food makes you television’s answer to Calvin Trillin, if Mr. Trillin bleached his hair, drove a Camaro and drank Boozy Creamsicles? When you cruise around the country for your show “Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives,” rasping out slangy odes to the unfancy places where Americans like to get down and greasy, do you really mean it?”

Oh, Pete. Maybe you could come over and Stanley Tucci could just make us a simple omelet, like in “Big Night.” He even has a new cookbook, and really seems like a stand-up guy. Remember when he was the dad in “Easy A”?

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