Quantcast

Friday, November 2, 2012

216

Jokes

Daniel & John

John: “When I was young, you had to say ‘trick or treat’ or tell a joke. Now kids just open their bags.”

This year I celebrated Halloween by asking neighbors to tell jokes. In certain towns — such as St. Louis, where I grew up — it’s a tradition to recite jokes on Halloween night.
 

Brando & JC

Brando: “Knock knock.”

Who’s there?

Brando: “Apple.”

Apple who?

Brando: “Apple pie.”

 

Tommy

“There was a plane crash. Every single person died; couples lived.”

 

Madeline

“Someone asked if he could drop off his tie instead of taking Milk Duds.”

 

Andy & Coco

Coco: “Why did the chicken cross the road?”

Why?

Coco: “Because he’s a chicken.”

Andy: “We’re working on it. She’s three.”

 

John

“Moron jokes were very popular when I was a kid. Have you heard the one about the moron who threw his clock out the window?”

No.

“He wanted to see time fly.”

 

Roy, Willa & Cyntha

Willa: [Singing] “A – B – C – D – E – F – G – Gummy – Bear – is – chasing – me.”

 

Lucia, Alexa & Santiago

Alexa: “What did one glove say to the other glove?”

I’m not sure.

Alexa: “I glove you.”

Santiago: “What did the moose say to the goose?”

I don’t know.

Santiago: “Me neither.”

 

Dawn & David

David: “Why do ducks fly down?”

Why?

David: “Because they quack up. It’s a great one if you can understand.”

 

Matei

“I have a joke book, but I’ve forgotten the jokes.”

 

Ted

“There are so many kids. There’s no time for tricks or jokes.”

 

Sam, Giovanna & Eve

Eve: “Tonight someone said ‘Give me candy. Lots of it.’ She looked determined.”

 

Trinity, Drew, Alma & Angela

Alma: “Knock knock.”

Who’s there?

Alma: “Incredibly annoying cow.”

Incredi...

Alma: “Moooooo.”

Trinity: “Why do cows moo?”

I don’t know.

Trinity: “That’s how they talk.”

 

Coby

“What do you call fish without eyes?”

I’m not sure.

“Fsh.”

 

Nick, Christopher & Alexandra

Nick: “Chris calls everything a kitty.”

 

Genevieve

“Nothing seems funny right now. That’s why I’m the mean White Witch of Narnia.”

 

Elvis, Baby Elvis, Doctor Elvis

Doctor Elvis: “We’re too cool for jokes.”

 

Juan Pablo, Steffie & Simona

Steffie: “Tell him that one about the group of guys.”

Juan Pablo: “There are four men — a kleptomaniac, a pyromaniac, a zoophilic, and a masochist.”

A zoophilic?

Juan Pablo: “Someone sexually attracted to animals.”

Ok continue.

Juan Pablo: “A cat walks by, and the kleptomaniac says he’d like to steal it. The pyromaniac says it would be better to set it on fire. You can guess what the zoophilic wants. Then, looking at everybody, the masochist meows. It’s better in Spanish.”

 

Alex

“Tonight I gave kids an oyster instead of candy.”

 

Yuri

“Can you make up a joke for me?”

Previously: Dads.

Jon Cotner has made other holiday-themed slideshows with Claire Hamilton. He's coauthor of Ten Walks/Two Talks, and lives in Brooklyn.



216 Comments / Post A Comment

SarahP

Why does the masochist meow?!

Emby

@SarahP Because he wants all those things to happen to him!

SarahP

@Emby !!! Nice!

Now what did the moose say to the goose? I just want to know all the answers!

fantod

@SarahP It's better in Spanish.

themmases

@Emby Thank you, I was confused but that is delightful!

Emby

Q: What's brown and sticky?

A: A stick

martinipie

@Emby This is in hot contention with the "Fssshhh" joke as my #1. I don't know why but it makes me laugh forever.

anachronistique

@Emby My mom's favorite joke ever:

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A: A stick!

JessicaLovejoy

@martinipie Yep, fsh is a perennial favorite in my home.

noodge

@martinipie
Truth: the sticky joke was my #1 joke for about 10 years now. After reading this article, the fsh joke is now my number one. Why do these jokes appeal so much!?!?!

martinipie

@teenie As my dad says when he defends his terrible puns, "It's a sign of a sophisticated and urbane sense of humor." We're blessed.

fondue with cheddar

@martinipie I love your dad.

Ken Wheaton@facebook

@Emby Two birds were sitting on a perch. One turned to the other and asked, "Do you smell fish?"

RNL
RNL

@teenie Me too, exactly. I told the sticky joke last night to a date. Next it will be fsh.

Aeroplane

@Emby Don't forget the follow-up.
Q: What's red and sticky?
A: Same bloody stick.

Works better in the UK.

OhMarie

@Emby This is from the dinner party download podcast.

Q: Where did the general keep his armies?

A: In his sleevies.

fondue with cheddar

@OhMarie YAY one of my high school teachers told me that joke and I still love it. Sleevies! *giggle*

stuffisthings

@OhMarie Where does a pirate keep his buccaneers?

Under his buckin' hat.

Statham

@martinipie ME TOO. THAT JOKE CRACKS ME UP EVERY TIME. Even when I'm the one telling it.

vernon hardapple

@Ken Wheaton@facebook The pause between me reading that and then getting it and laughing (out loud, alone in my house) was, like, epic.

playingpossum

@Emby The stick joke has been my favourite for the last 5 years or so. Before that I had a different one
Q: What does a ball do when it stops rolling?
A: Looks round
Bahahahahahahahahahaha

Ellie

I legit laughed at the plane crash joke. (I feel it has another layer of humor as a meta-commentary on the low social status of single people.) Also the fsh joke. I'm gonna be re-telling that one.

Gertrude

@Ellie Especially given Tommy's costume/expression. He seems like a winner.

redheaded&crazy

@Ellie me too! You know how on the magic school bus people would always be like "CAAAAAARLOS." Well that joke made me go "TOOOOOOOOOOMMY." but in a good way.

cosmia

@redheaded&crazie According to my research, I love that joke!

highfivesforall

@Ellie It's a garden path joke! Usually garden path sentences/phrases are just annoying, but this one is great!

Ellie

@highfivesforall The BEST one (and one of my favorite jokes of all time, ever) is "Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana."

meetapossum

@Ellie My reaction to the plane joke was "Hahahah...oh :("

MoxyCrimeFighter

@Ellie Chuck Yeager flies, like, airplanes.

Daisy Razor

Baby Razor is three and this is her go-to joke:

Knock knock
Who's there?
[Her name]
[Her name] who?
[Her name] knocks at your door!

And then she cracks up.

iceberg

@Daisy Razor Ahh I LOVE little kid jokes.

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@iceberg When my youngest sister was four, she loved to tell this joke:
"Knock, knock."
Who's there?
"Orange."
Orange who?
"I can't believe it's not butter!"

whateverlolawants

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose
My sister's favorite around age 3, which she made up (surprisingly coherent and clever):

What's a snake's favorite treat?
Hershey's Hisses.

Judith Slutler

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose That is great!

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@whateverlolawants Whoa. I'm 27 and can't even come up with good jokes like that. What a clever girl.

whateverlolawants

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose @Emmanuelle Cunt
That's my sis! :D She still comes up with hilarious jokes all the time. For a while (a year or two) she was on a vegetable joke kick. She's 24.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@whateverlolawants When one of my cousin's daughters was very little (maybe about 3 or 4) she still hadn't grasped the concept of jokes, but she would crack herself up thinking of them or telling them, usually stuff like "The giraffe... drank juice!"

and the rest of us would be like what

Bon Vivant

This was a fantastic idea :) Good one! I will be stealing jokes now...and calling everything "kitty".

HereKitty

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting Biden.
Interrupting Bi--
Malarkey!

Ten Thousand Buckets

Awww, Willa-Kiki is so cute! Her joke is pretty terrible, but she's got great taste in movies.

Bittersweet

@Ten Thousand Buckets No kidding, she totally gets a pass on the joke. But where's Gigi?

Ten Thousand Buckets

@Bittersweet I think he's hanging upside down near the top of her broomstick. He's pretty small though.

And did you know they made little Kiki radio purses!? !!!!! http://loveghibli.ecrater.com/p/12564790/pouch-kikis-red-radio-jiji

Bittersweet

@Ten Thousand Buckets Oh yeah, now I see him.

Kiki radio purse! Love it. I got my daughter a little stuffed Totoro, complete with little acorn pouch.

Vicky

That kid with his head on the platter! Love it!

Tangentially related: I went to elementary school at the same place for which my mom was a teacher. My mom is way into the homemade costumes and she is super creative, she'd make my sister and I any costumes we could dream up. Which was, for me that year, a stoplight. It ruled. Anyway a couple of years ago we unearthed this unlabeled vhs tape, popped in in the vcr, and it was the school's halloween parade. This being 1990 in Buffalo, every male (students and teachers) was dressed up as Jim Kelly. Most of the females were princesses, cats, witches etc. And then around the corner comes my mom, dressed as a FULL PICNIC TABLE. Like, the grown woman version of that little boy's costume. I don't even know how she did it, it was actually the size of a regular picnic table and loaded with picnic supplies, right down to tiny plastic ants.

My mom is the best.

tessamae

Ayeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! St. Louis Halloween jokes FTW. Though I imagine other places do it too, I never experienced it before I moved here and now I live for it. Best ones I heard this year:

Q: Why didn't the ghost go to prom?
A: He wasn't a Boogie Man.

ahahahaha Boogie Man.

Q: Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
A: He didn't have the guts.

!!!!!!!!!!!!

Q: What's red and yellow and blue?
A: Colors.

That one was a little confusing.

cosmia

@tessamae Bahaha, I love that last one so much. I'm a big fan of jokes with really obvious answers.

j-furr

@cosmia for some reason the following joke had me going for such a long time, its sort of an obvious/not obvious answer:

Q; Why did the Elephant lie on the ground with his feet in the air?
A: so he could trip birds

cosmia

My favourite lame science-y nerd joke!

"Two scientists walk into a bar
The first one says “I’ll have some H2O.” The second one says, “I’ll have some H2O too.” Then he dies."

Sister Administrator

@cosmia "We don't serve your kind here," says the bartender. A neutrino walks into a bar.

(I know, the result was debunked. Tachyon?)

the roughest toughest frail

@cosmia Helium walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender replies "We don't serve noble gases here." Helium doesn't react.

lagreen

3 things. First, JC in the second photo is hot. Second, the kid with his head coming out of the table has the coolest costume I've ever seen. Third, what a lovely portrait of Halloween! This makes me dread parenthood a little less.

apples and oranges

Willa's costume!!!!

The trio of Elvises is also wonderful.

anachronistique

@kangerine Willa, Coby and the Elvises are my favorites.

Also, Alex and his oysters instead of candy. A++ job, dude.

NeverOddOrEven

@kangerine
I don't get Willa. She just looks like a half-assed witch to me..?

Jawnita

@NeverOddOrEven She's Kiki from Kiki's Delivery Service: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Kiki%27s_Delivery_Service_Screenshot_01_Kiki_and_Jiji_flying_by_clocktower.jpg

iceberg

Ahhh i love this series!

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on the front of his pants.
The bartender says "What's with the steering wheel?"
The pirate replies "Arrr, it's drivin' me nuts!"

iceberg

@iceberg also, my favorite is the tiny baby boxer. My mob refused to even wear (adorable) animal hats. Maybe next year.

oh! valencia

@iceberg that's my favorite joke.

TARDIStime

@remargaret AAAAHHHH! I totally forgot about Toothpaste for Dinner!
<3 u, Drew!

martinipie

Awwww, I love Halloween and silly jokes and families and especially this series. Thank you so much, Jon!

parallel-lines

I feel like Halloween is 90% of the reason in favor of having kids*. The other 10%, I don't know what that stuff is. But that one day a year makes being a parent look pretty awesome, especially if you have a brilliant kid who comes up with costumes like these.
------------------------------------------------
* I don't have kids, because this is obviously a terrible reason for having kids.

SuperGogo

@parallel-lines Seriously. My ovaries just barely survive every October 31.

Megasus

I like this. Make 'em work for it.

nonvolleyball

@Megano! the last year I ever went trick-or-treating--with a group of friends who were also too old to be trick-or-treating--one of the dads made us all tell him dirty jokes. (I grew up in St. Louis, where joke-telling was mandatory.) we all hemmed & hawwed, & he was like, "you guys are what, 16? don't tell me you don't know any dirty jokes!" so we complied, & he gave us a lot of candy.

I realize this story somehow sounds creepy when I write it out like that. if it helps, please note that there were more guys in our group than girls, & that I'm pretty sure the dude's wife was hanging out with him during all of this.

karencarrot

@nonvolleyball I also grew up in St. Louis!! I didn't know other American children didn't have to do comedy for their candy until like THIS YEAR.

When I was 10 or so, my little sister and I made the mistake of knocking on a door at the bottom of our street in Glendale. Inside the house was the oldest couple we'd ever seen. The ancient woman using the iron lung made my sister stand on her head or something as a trick, and then her husband brought us each a nickel or something. The lady sounded like Darth Vader. We were so creeped out and awkwarded.

VDRE

Q: What's red and looks like a bucket?
A: A red bucket.

Q: What's blue and looks like a bucket?
A: A red bucket in disguise.

Also I love the trio of Elvises.

mabellegueule

@VDRE
These pleased me! I will steal them.

anachronistique

Q: What do vegan zombies eat?
A: GRRRAAAAAIIIIINNNNSSSSS!

Audley

@anachronistique Q: What do zombies hate most about laundry?
A: STTTTAAAAIIIIINNNNSSSSS!

(My friends and I regularly spend entire meals making these up.

anachronistique

@Audley How do zombies travel? TRRRRAAAAAAAIIIIIINNNSSSSS!

(My sister and I do the same thing!)

TARDIStime

@anachronistique I just took a screencap of this thread and sent it to Mr TARDIStime - this is relevant to his interests.
Q. Where do zombies pour their waste?
A: DRRRRAAAAAAIINNNNSSSSS!

Tits McGee is on Vacation

When I tell people who aren't from St. Louis that jokes are mandatory on Halloween they give me the stupid look. I had no idea this was a regional thing until my 20's.

Also, I'm stealing the fish joke.

nonvolleyball

@Tits McGee is on Vacation I know! same here. (insert obligatory inquiry regarding where you went to high school.)

Disco Sheets

@Tits McGee is on Vacation This is the first I have ever heard of this, but I am in favor of making this a national thing.

tessamae

@Tits McGee is on Vacation And reeeeeally specifically regional. I grew up and hour and a half south and we didn't do it there.

Knowsey

@Tits McGee is on Vacation !!! Yes. I didn't realize it wasn't a thing everywhere until I moved away. It makes Halloween so much more awesome. I feel cheated now when I give out candy and don't get a joke, 'cause I had to work my butt off as a kid.

Tits McGee is on Vacation

@Knowsey And really it's not like you need a lot of jokes, one or two would suffice... heck my fav's are usually from the non-shy 3-6 year olds whose jokes make little sense.

saywhatnow?

@nonvolleyball LOL! I was going to post the high school thing downthread. Too funny.

Vipros

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot

fondue with cheddar

@Vipros OMG. My niece and nephew (5 and 3) are going to LOVE this one.

meetapossum

Once upon a time there was a snail who bought a brand new white car. He took it to a shop to ask them to paint a giant red "S" on the side of it. The guy at the shop said, "Sure, but can I ask you why you want an 'S'?"

The snail replied, "So whenever I drive by, people will say, 'Look at that S CAR GO!'"

meetapossum

Also, what the heck is Santiago? I'm going to be having nightmares.

Elsajeni

@meetapossum Santiago is either kind of a non-specific scary thing or a Jawa.

meetapossum

@Elsajeni Thanks!

Emily Monstad@facebook

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "for you, no charge!"

fondue with cheddar

@Emily Monstad@facebook I love that one!

A string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve your kind here." The string leaves, ties himself in a knot, and frays the end to disguise himself. He comes back in and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Wait...aren't you that string that came in here earlier?" And the string says, "I'm afraid not!"

AJ Sparkles

@fondue with cheddar BAR JOKES! Mushroom walks into a bar. Bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve your kind here." Mushroom says, "what's the problem, I'm a fungi."

octagonfudge

@AJ Sparkles Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

Bittersweet

@octagonfudge A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?" The bartender says, "No, and we don't serve ducks here, get out!"

A few minutes later, the duck walks back in and asks again, "Got any grapes?" The bartender says, "No, get outta here! If you come back, I'm gonna nail your foot to the bar!"

A few minutes later, the duck walks back in and asks, "Got any nails?"

"No."

...

"Got any grapes?"

Bittersweet

@Bittersweet (This was the only joke I could think of when the anesthesiologist was prepping me for heart surgery at Yale-New Haven Hospital 15 or 16 years ago. He told me it was really lame. In my defense, I was really nervous about having surgery, and one of the nurses was digging around in my right arm in an attempt to place an A-line, which was pretty painful. So I think I get a pass on that one.)

SarcasticFringehead

What's green and fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree could kill you?

A pool table.

yrouttasight

@SarcasticFringehead Oh shit! I lol'ed.

SarcasticFringehead

@yrouttasight It is possible that that has been my favorite joke since I was...14? 14. That and the brown and sticky joke @Emby posted above.

Blushingflwr

Man, the "wanted to see time fly" joke was my absolute FAVE when I was little.

My personal favorite was the dad who said "she's 3, we're working on it." Man, I love kids.

lil.orphan.shannie

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.
Ba dum chhh!

frigwiggin

I made kids tell me what they were dressed as before they got candy--at least one refused to ("I don't want to!") and a couple didn't know what they were. I'm pretty sure one small girl just told me her name. ("Can you tell me what you are?" "Victoria.")

My favorite of the night, though, was a kid, maybe seven or eight, who told me she was "Batman Girl."

frigwiggin

My favorite joke when I was that age was, "Why does a stork stand on one leg? Because if he lifted up both legs, he'd fall down!"

Something like that, anyway.

yeah-elle

The sardine can! The cool Elvises! Tommy's morbid plane joke! John's incredibly stressful piles of books!

These always make me feel weepy for some reason.

wallsdonotfall

@yeah-elle Thank you, I'm glad I wasn't the only one getting tense over those crooked stacks of books.

remargaret

@yeah-elle To say nothing of the fact that Tucker Max's book is front right, yeach.

TARDIStime

@yeah-elle I loved Yuri!

melmuu

Where the heck is John??

yeah-elle

@melmuu Probably lying under a collapsed pile of books as I type this.

(I really hope not though, I would feel awful if he was.)

Reginal T. Squirge

He really went all out with his hoarder costume.

frigwiggin

If I got a freshly-shucked oyster for Halloween, I'd be thrilled! Even as a kid. Oh my god I want oysters so bad now.

fondue with cheddar

I won't give kids candy unless they say "trick or treat". Don't just come to my door and open your bag. Put forth just a teensy bit of effort for your free shit, kids!

I also won't give them candy if they're not wearing a costume.

whateverlolawants

@fondue with cheddar You seriously will not give them candy? You will shut the door on them? Or just give them some guff but then give them a shitty Mary Jane?

fondue with cheddar

@whateverlolawants No, I just make them say "trick or treat". We don't do jokes here, but that would be acceptable. And if they aren't wearing a costume I tell them I don't give candy to kids who aren't in costume.

And Mary Janes are delicious.

yrouttasight

I can't see half of these pictures. I feel like I'm missing out on some serious adorableness.

SuperGogo

@yrouttasight Me too, and it's making me sad. But the ones I CAN see are making me happy.

distrighema

I think this is a midwestern thing? I mean not the whole midwest, but we did it when I was a kid in Des Moines and every other joke-telling town I've heard of is in the area. I support spreading the word, since telling jokes was almost as fun as dressing up!

NeverOddOrEven

@distrighema
Never once heard of joke-telling as a life-long Minnesotan; So make of that what you will.

Aeroplane

@distrighema There was one (really cool) old guy in our little town who upon hearing us say "trick or treat" would demand a joke. Reading this makes me want to spread it around, once I am in a position to give candy!

whateverlolawants

@distrighema I grew up in Indianapolis and don't remember it being a thing. I'm 26 and was an avid trick-or-treater, if that helps.

wee_ramekin

Tommy: “There was a plane crash. Every single person died; couples lived.”

JESUS CHRIST TOMMY. It is bad enough to be single on Halloweenie with all the couples in their cute Couple Costumes, but now this?

wee_ramekin

@wee_ramekin Relatedly...HOLY FUCK SANTIAGO.

That kid is gonna haunt my dreams with his creepy-ass costume and his ambiguous jokes.

meetapossum

@wee_ramekin WHAT IS THAT COSTUME IT IS SO SCARY

meetapossum

@Reginal T. Squirge Thank you! I thought it was familiar, but I wasn't sure why.

Sorry, Santiago. I don't understand your pop culture reference.

Reginal T. Squirge

They're not that terrifying in the movies but still kinda scary.

Meredith L.

St. Louis does fall really well. Stealing that sardine costume for next year.

And as an avid Missourian, I HAVE A JOKE:

Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie?

He was too far out, man.

mannequinhands

What do you call a nosy pepper?

Jalapeño business.

Disco Sheets

@mannequinhands Ahhh that reminds me of my favorite joke and now I am hungry for some pepperjack.

What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?

Nacho cheese!

par_parenthese

@mannequinhands RELATED:

What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?
NACHO CHEESE!

Disco Sheets

@par_parenthese COPYCAT! :P

Although it is the best joke of all time so it deserves to be repeated.

mabellegueule

@Disco Sheets
I once heard a really long joke about a giant ball of cheese that goes loose and rolls into a neighboring town or something, and the owner is running after it. The people who find it are like "what kind of cheese is that?" And the guy running after it is saying "that's not your cheese!!" So they conclude that it's nacho. It, um, didn't lose much in my retelling.

mannequinhands

@par_parenthese and @Disco Sheets: Now I'm just hungry!

Ladies Who Punch

@mabellegueule I read the last line as "It didn't lose much in my reMELTING" & was confused.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@mannequinhands OMG THIS IS BETTER THAN

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho cheese.

WHICH I ALWAYS THOUGHT WAS A PRETTY SOLID JOKE

GooglyEyeSeahorse

I left NYC almost three years ago, and this is legit the first time i REALLY missed it.

eraserface

I glove this piece.

distrighema

A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, "sorry, we don't serve food here."

A dog walks into a bar and asks for a drink and the bartender says, "the toilet's down the hall on the right."

What's a bird's favorite subject in school? OWLgebra!

Why do mermaids wear seashell bras? Because D-shells would be too big!

God now I'm just going to be thinking of cheesy jokes all day.

nonvolleyball

@distrighema three men walk into a bar: OUCH! so the fourth one ducked.

likethestore

I'm loving all these hipster New York baby names. Coco! Willa! Trinity!

nonvolleyball

here's my "hilarious" joke that I made up when I was little (shortly after I learned of the existence of a certain European country), & which I definitely deployed on at least one Halloween:

where does the Dutch Peter Pan live?
Nether-nether-land!

...
...
...
...I was a lonely child.

wee_ramekin

@nonvolleyball Hahaha, awww. I would totally have been friends with you. We could have stuck dishclothes in the back of our pants and pretended to canter around like horses all day, and NUTS to any cool kids who looked askance.

nonvolleyball

@wee_ramekin & now I'm wondering how you know that I used to gallop around the front yard of my house on a regular basis.

wee_ramekin

@nonvolleyball Because all lonely girls dream of horses, my love.

nonvolleyball

@wee_ramekin I pictured you looking/sounding just like Glinda the Good Witch when I read that.

femme cassidy

How do you find Will Smith in a snowstorm? You look for the Fresh Prince.

sprayfaint

@femme cassidy Oh my god this is my new favorite joke.

RNL
RNL

I wanna party with Juan Pablo and Steffie real, real bad. Simona can come too. Those guys know what is up.

whateverlolawants

@RNL Me too. They remind me of a probably-cooler version of my boyfriend and I if we had a kid. Down to the jokes that he ends with, "It's better in Spanish."

NeverOddOrEven

This seems like as good a place as any to take a poll on if this joke is appropriate or not. Either way it's my favorite though, I can't help it! It's not so much racist as playing on cultural sterotypes, so maybe it's not so bad? I can't tell....

What did the Asian janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

SUPPLIES!

wallsdonotfall

@NeverOddOrEven Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, no, that joke is racist. ("Playing on cultural stereotypes," when that culture is associated with race, is often the same thing.)

NeverOddOrEven

@wallsdonotfall
Well, I guess I just meant in the sense that it's not disparaging Asians but referencing an accent.

ru_ri

@NeverOddOrEven Try switching cultural stereotypes: if it were a joke featuring an African-American with a "stereotypical accent" would you tell it?

iceberg

@NeverOddOrEven Nope, straight up racist. "comedy" racial accent = racist.

NeverOddOrEven

@ru_ri
Honestly? If it worked like that one does and wasn't just "Ebonics is stupid!" I'd probably still laugh.
Besides, I don't really see the two as equal. One is the result of a difference in language and one is a dialect of the same.

iceberg

@NeverOddOrEven but the "joke" lies in the purported inability of "Asians" to speak English correctly, just as it would be if it was an Ebonics-based joke.

wee_ramekin

@NeverOddOrEven Would you feel comfortable telling this joke to a group of Asian people you didn't know? I wouldn't. Huge indicator that it's not appropriate.

I mean, to me, this joke is pretty obviously Not Okay™, but if I'm ever stuck on something like this, I ask myself a version of that question above and I have my answer.

iceberg

@wee_ramekin yes, this is perfect.

machinesss

@NeverOddOrEven Unfortunately super racist, I would give you mad side-eye if you told it around me. It's mocking an accent, putting down a cultural group.

NeverOddOrEven

@All
Well, question answered. I supposed the simple fact that I had to ask was a pretty clear answer in and of itself. But I'm not perfect and the image I get of it in my head has always made me giggle.
Thanks for not being assholes about it, though. Seriously.

wee_ramekin

@NeverOddOrEven That is what we are here for! w0ot.

stuffisthings

@stuffisthings Also racist: the Onion

octagonfudge

@stuffisthings The Jimmy Car link, it's a joke about a lion getting lost in the jungle? It seems like an anti-joke (not really a pun, just an unexpected answer). I don't get how it's racist. (Really, I don't, please explain?)

stuffisthings

@stuffisthings By the way I'm not trying to make any particular point with these examples -- just problematizing your problematizing!

machinesss

@stuffisthings Yeah I don't really understand where you're going with those.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@NeverOddOrEven Yeah no that joke is racist, but at least you were merciful and gave us the short version.

Because yes, I have heard a longer version, that someone emailed to my mom. So long, in fact, that I had time to ask TWICE if it was a funny joke or just a racist punchline.

NeverOddOrEven

@Rookie
I've never heard a longer version, so you've piqued my curiosity. But I'll refrain from asking.

ru_ri

Aaaah Tommy!!! You are destined for an interesting life, I suspect.

So...guy walks into a psychiatrist's office muttering agitatedly: "I'm a wigwam! I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam! I'm a teepee! I'm--"
And the shrink quickly interrupts him, "Calm down, you're too tense!"

I <3 this thread sooo much! But it needs more lawyer jokes, methinks...

Inconceivable!

@ru_ri Oooh: The past, the present, and the future all walked into the same bar.

It was tense.

mabellegueule

@Inconceivable!
Wow new contender for favourite!

Bittersweet

@ru_ri More lawyer jokes, and a few music jokes, please. Nothing like a good viola/conductor/banjo joke.

Scandyhoovian

Where did Napoleon keep his armies?
In his sleevies!

Inconceivable!

Oh my god, Tommy, be my friend.

Inconceivable!

@Inconceivable!
Also: What did the ER nurse say to the Power Ranger? "It's morphine time!"

MediumKahuna

I made this up when I was in junior high:

Q: Why is a trumpet player like a pharoah?

A: They have their Tutankamun.

You're welcome.

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

A guy walks into a bar with a hunk of asphalt under his arm and says to the bartender, "I'll take one for me and one for the road."

mabellegueule

Only joke I can remember making up as a kid: what did the the rock star panda say? A wop bob a looba I want bamboo.

General preferred cheesy joke: two chihuahuas are in the desert. The first one says" man it is really hotmout here". And the second says " aaahhh a talking dog!" And runs away

My best friend's preferred cheesy joke: two cows are standing in a field. The first one says "I am worried about this mad cow disease going around." The second one says "I'm not worried. It doesn't affect penguins."

whateverlolawants

@mabellegueule Wait, did the second cow go mad, or is it unaware that it's a cow?

Audley

@mabellegueule I've always heard the chihuahua one with muffins in an oven.
@whateverlolawaants I believe the former.

Audley

@mabellegueule I've always heard the chihuahua one with muffins in an oven.
@whateverlolawaants I believe the former.

TyrannosaurusWreck

I lve that the Downer White Witch of Narnia is thrown in here. Geez, lady!

mustelid

Is this the appropriate place to post that I was super disappointed with our trick-or-treaters?

- no super cool costumes
- more no-costumes than I expected, even on kids that were too young to be that jaded
- a few kids expressed distaste for our candy selection and said things like, "Ugh, don't you have Skittles?" (THEY WERE GUMMY EARTHWORMS AND EYEBALLS JESUS CHRIST WHAT MORE COULD YOU WANT)
- very few of them said thank you, even if they had an adult with them, and the adult didn't say shit
- NO JOKES (okay I didn't even know this was a thing until reading this but now I'm disappointed)

whateverlolawants

@mustelid That's awful! We don't do jokes where I live, though. But my coworker/neighbor said he saw some kid just in his school uniform knocking on all the doors with the lights off. Smart kid.

whateverlolawants

Or his parents/teachers never bothered to inform him "How Halloween Works." :(

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@mustelid That's horrible! I had cute costumes, lots of "Thank yous" and one group of boys dressed as LMFAO even danced for me.

vernon hardapple

@mustelid So, really??! I'm an Australian and we don't really do Halloween (I mean some kids do and the adults tut tut over the Americanisation of our Culture etc.), but seriously can't you go, "um, rude kid who doesn't like the gummi eyeballs I'm giving you For Free? Yeah, you can't have them now." - WHY can't you do that the kid doesn't deserve it... I'm oddly annoyed about this. Kids!

mustelid

@vernon hardapple Eh, for the kids who weren't with their parents, I was concerned about possible vandalism. For kids who were, considering that the parents did not correct their rude behavior, I didn't want to get into it with the whole "you don't tell my kid what to do!!!" thing.

Basically I AM THE WUSSIEST, EVEN AGAINST CHILDREN.

One kid, when I opened the door, said, "It's about time!!" and my jaw dropped. I thought he was criticizing my time in getting to the door. After a beat he continued, "nobody else is answering their doors!" So like, he wasn't dissing me specifically but I was still shocked that the adult with him didn't immediately say, "OH HE MEANT THIS NOT THAT, SAY SORRY JIMMY THAT WAS RUDE!"

Another group of kids, probably like fourteen of them at once... about half of them we wearing costumes and they were all screaming "me next me next" and shoving their bags in my face, trying to get ahead of each other, etc. I'm pretty sure a few of them stuck out their bags twice figuring I might not notice, which was correct. I was afraid I was going to run out of candy before I got through all of them and that they'd overrun my home in a zombie hoard.

itiresias

Santiago and Coby really win this game.

yourpretendfriend

Willaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

octagonfudge

Why did the girl fall out of the swing? She didn't have any arms.

My favorite joke as a kid! (Also now.)

Bittersweet

@octagonfudge This reminds me of the terrible, incredibly insensitive jokes about quadriplegics we used to tell in junior high. You know, Art, Matt, Bob, etc.

(I still laugh at them. It will be warm where I'm going.)

Sarah Pin@twitter

That's my life's story, Matei.

angelinha

Madeline, that's not a joke. And no offense, but you're not three.

jackietgregory

What did the 0 say to the 8?

"Nice belt!"

saywhatnow?

I also grew up in St. Louis and found it so odd when we moved that no one told jokes. My husband and I stood at the door staring at our trick or treaters... It was like a standoff. LOL!

btcstore30

input this URL:

( http://www.b2cstore.us/ )

you can find many cheap and high stuff

Believe you will love it.

WE ACCEPT CREDIT CARD /WESTERN UNION PAYMENT
YOU MUST NOT MISS IT!!!

dollguts

I speak spanish, so I translated that joke into Spanish, read over it, then read it again in English and THEN got it. What is wrong with me?!

Also, What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?

NACHO CHEESE!

SarahDances

What happened to the guy who couldn't pay for his exorcism?

He got repossessed.

josep

Louis and found it so odd when we moved that no one told jokes. My husband and I stood at the door staring at our trick or treaters. nj electrician

josep

I think he's hanging upside down near the top of her broomstick. He's pretty small though. sample condolences

linkaccu

The pause between me reading that and then getting it and laughing (out loud, alone in my house) was, like, epic. buy facebook likes

GreatMedia

That's my life's story...
Mine too...

linkaccu

I would totally have been friends with you. We could have stuck dishclothes in the back of our pants and pretended to canter around like horses all day Wonga Promo Code 2013

dennishobson

You should take part in a contest for one of the best blogs on the web. I will recommend this site! madeira palsticaoG

1963248500@twitter

i'm typical given person of your once but as show pride in anyone bothering to remain a innovative fabulous post.girlfriend activation system cost i found so many interesting stuff in your blog, especially its discussion. From the tons of comments on your articles, I guess I am not the only one having all the enjoyment here! Keep up the excellent work. Saying thanks will not just be sufficient, for the phenomenal clarity in your writing. I will directly grab your rss feed to stay informed of any updates. invisible dog fence wire

1963248500@twitter

A cat walks by, and the kleptomaniac says he’d like to steal it. The pyromaniac says it would be better to set it on fire. You can guess what the zoophilic wants. food storage

1963248500@twitter

I guess I am not the only one having all the enjoyment here! Keep up the excellent work. Saying thanks will not just be sufficient, for the phenomenal clarity in your writing. I will directly grab your rss feed to stay informed of any updates. Web Site

bill.marks

y one having all the enjoyment here! Keep up the excellent work. Saying thanks will not just be sufficient, for the phenomenal clarity in your writing. I will directly grab your rss feed to stay informed of any updates Trailer Tent rental

1963248500@twitter

she still hadn't grasped the concept of jokes, but she would crack herself up thinking of them or telling them, usually stuff like "The giraffe... drank juice!" ibcbet 168

1963248500@twitter

she still hadn't grasped the concept of jokes, but she would crack herself up thinking of them or telling them, usually stuff like "The giraffe... drank juice!" ibcbet 168

bookersharrow

but she would crack herself up thinking of them or telling them, usually stuff like online casino

shahzaib11

Thanks for sharing this interesting blog with us.My pleasure to being here on your blog..I wanna come beck here for new post from your site.

Vertical De Aviacion

Saad Butt Saad Butt@facebook

This is a great portion. You have a very good pondering intellect. And also excellent thinking expertise. Personally, many people exactly likes each document you submit. psn cards

Post a Comment

You must be logged-in to post a comment.

Login To Your Account