Tuesday, November 6, 2012


Jim Behrle Wants to Know

1. I got a new pair of glasses the other day. And people really seem to like these glasses. These glasses are perhaps magic handsome-making glasses. At what point in the complimenting me on my glasses are people flirting with me, if at all? Like after a minute or two? At what point does complimenting become flirting? Like "keep those glasses on and I will love you forever?" Some people maybe just really like glasses. And these glasses perhaps just cover up my other glaring anomalies.

Lol, foureyes. No, but I was thinking about this recently. And you know, honestly, Jim, you do look great in your new glasses, but it's not like they transform you, and you're handsome to begin with. But the thing I was thinking about — and this is getting off track already, and isn't in regard to your glasses! — is that when someone compliments someone else on something, probably a large part of the time they're just saying they noticed it. "Nice haircut!" also essentially means "I notice your haircut," and so who knows what they actually think. But who cares. (Haha, I do, a lot!) I changed a small thing about my appearance this year, and at first when people commented on it, I was like, word, but now I'm like, is it just that they're noticing because it's a little weird, and they want to say something? "I love your ___" is such a cheap way of getting that insult off your chest. "I love how crappy and horrifying your furniture is, that's amazing."

So, I guess sometimes people say they like things because they just noticed them, not because they like them. And for what it's worth, I think you look better without your glasses. Well, you look good both ways, but a dude once told me that about mine, and now I never wear them in public anymore, so I'm passing this curse onto you. ~ And now my soul is free and I turned into a prince. Sometimes people don't really know or understand their own boundaries between compliment and flirtation.

But to try to answer your question — I think what differentiates flirting from complimenting is when you get the impression that the person's also trying to tell you something else. Which maybe isn't helpful, but do you know what I mean? "I like your jacket" vs. "I like your jacket," when one seems normal because you've got a nice new jacket on or something, and the other seems a little off (but this is just my regular old jacket?) and maybe is accompanied by more or particularly lively eye contact, or otherwise comes out weirdly, or unexpectedly charged, or poorly timed, or at an inappropriate volume ("I liKE your JAcket"). Something that feels two-dimensional vs. something that feels three-dimensional, maybe. Although I'm not sure this is making any sense or headway. 

2. What is the cure for the silent treatment? Someone is giving it to me and I find it so terrible and harrowing and then I start giving them the silent treatment, and then it's East Berlin v. West Berlin, you're digging in, you're building walls, razor wire. I'm not even mad anymore. At first I was just mad that I was getting the silent treatment. Now I'm just giving the silent treatment because that's what I'm getting. And I'm usually a person who will just apologize. Even if I don't think I did anything wrong. I'm sorry, let's get over this. But when someone is giving you the silent treatment it just feels like you're flying right at the Death Star. And I can't help but want to avoid it. I should just find a new job, right? Something in a coal mine.

Can you talk to them about it straightforwardly? Maybe that sounds too simple, but if it's at all appropriate: "Hey this silent treatment is ridiculous, I would love to talk with you about it. Life is short, yolo." Are people still making YOLO jokes? Wait, is this silent treatment coming from someone at your job, is that what you mean? What the? You can't do that at work.

I don't know. I haven't gotten the silent treatment from anyone in a long time, although someone called me "awful" in a text message the other day, and I think it was warranted, but I'm not sure, and in any case it was good to know what someone was feeling. Screw silent treatment. But why are they giving it to you, what did you do? That's important, possibly.

3. I found out that my mother, my librarian mother, apple of my eye, voted for Ronald Reagan twice. This is a shocking discovery. She's not voting the same way as me this year. She voted for Nader in 2000. She's just all over the place. Am I going to have to hear about how great Chris Christie is for the next four years? Is this going to be my life now? Can we actually love Republicans, and not just in the "it's fun for sex" way?

To answer your last question, yes! I certainly do/did. And your mom sounds interesting. Maybe she's more thoughtful than most, and it's just that her thought process isn't what yours is.

SOLVED. Okay, next.

4. What is up with Hairpin commentators being so flirty in comment fields? I waited in the pumpkin patch for you all! And I was the only one in the pumpkin patch. Except for a giant spider. I started dating the spider. I might just marry the spider.

Omg bitches! Lonely, fickle bitches. But we're all probably waiting around in our own empty pumpkin patches, too, maybe. Whatever that means.

No, we are all cowardly sluts; you have to fill out a one-question questionnaire when registering to comment on this site. "Are you a cowardly slut." Perhaps I should have mentioned that. Anyway, meet you in the pumpkin patch. I hear it's a costume party pumpkin patch???

Jim Behrle tweets @behrle.

107 Comments / Post A Comment


The only way I've ever loved Republicans is in the "it's fun for sex" way. I didn't know there was another one?


@Ophelia I love a Republican. It's hard work, but it works. He still thinks women are people, can make choices, etc., which makes it easier.


@Ophelia I still love my die-hard-tea-party parents. It's reallllllly tough sometimes, and we do not watch the news together or speak of politics.


@Ophelia I mean, it obviously depends very heavily on WHY they are Republican. Obviously not all Republicans are the woman/environment/poor people-hating caricatures that a few of the more public ones are. I am not a Republican but I love a ton of them, because most of them don't base their politics on hate (which is what so much of the more public Republican jibber jabber is about, so it's easy to get into the mindset that it's all they think about).


@KeLynn Well yes, and I WAS kidding* - I do still love my right-leaning uncle ;-)

*but...I've hooked up with a lot of Republicans. DC, man.


@Ophelia You don't have to hook up with Republicans in DC! Just stop hanging out with Hill staff and pretty soon they become pretty damn rare!


@Ophelia I drafted a "the best time I hooked up with a Republican" story from my DC days JUST LAST NIGHT. It involved politics, obvs, and hurricanes, so it seemed timely. I haven't submitted it yet, tho'.


@Emby I know, but I just couldn't resist those ill-fitting khakis, blue button-down shirts, and slightly outmoded brown loafers.

(truly though, you're right. I played congressional softball for 2 summers, and that was the root of this problem.)

@jarwithaheavylid Was it hurricane Isabel?

Cat named Virtute

@AmandathePanda I'm not an American, so maybe I just don't understand, but I feel like that almost makes it worse (not really but sort of), when someone is a Republican/conservative for Other Reasons. It says to me that you think economic policies (most of which are pretty broken anyway, nice work Bush admin) or whatever are more important than my rights as a woman and a queer person, or other people's rights as immigrants/trans people/poor people/etc. My coworker and I argue about this sometimes, and it's why we'll never be more than friendly coworkers.

Sometimes I worry that this is its own kind of intolerance, but as I texted my friend this morning, the nice thing about getting older is the greatly reduced number of fucks I have to give about people supporting hate and intolerance, so.


@Ophelia I'm a disillusioned "neither, thanks, two-party politics can kiss my ass" type/ cafeteria-style "Ooh! That view looks fun! I'll pick it!" type and I love/am related to many Republicans. I want to strangle some of them sometimes, but not all of them! And there are even ones who like to sit in the Disillusioned Corner with me and bitch about how gross modern politics is. With those normal noncombative ones, what it comes down to is a disagreement about the purpose of government and where it needs to butt out vs. butt in and why. People who can have THAT conversation without hating are totes welcome at my Imaginary Ongoing Political Chitchat Table.


@Ophelia It was Katrina! So not a hurricane actually in DC, but one that affected the unfolding of events.

I was in DC for Isabel, too. Most vivid memory: day drinking when offices closed, running around 18th St with "Rock you like a hurricane" blasting from some bar's speakers, prob. Millie & Al's.


@Ophelia In college, during a particularly hot southern summer, I tried to seduce a Republican. He introduced me to Ayn Rand and dry humping. I can't remember his name but I think he might have grown up to be Paul Ryan.


@blueblazes Coincidentally, I hooked up with one of his staffers!


@blueblazes @Ophelia I am finding these intentional seductions of Republicans fascinating. Mine was completely accidental, like, whoops, you were a Republican? Isn't my face red!


@Ophelia I think this is where it's important to make the distinction between "love" and "like". I think many people love some Republicans, but don't always LIKE them.


@Ophelia : I dunno. I have loved Democrats in spite of their meddling, highly-taxed, and intrusive ways of thinking and behaving. (half sarcasm)

Seriously, 'Pinners?

It actually really, really hurts my heart to see so many of us bagging on Republicans in general. It isn't cool, or fair. Be specific, don't be prejudiced.


I have FEELINGS today.


Slightly off-topic but I think it's quite funny how economic policy is the one area of the Republican platform that it is "acceptable" to support. I also have a friend who mainly likes Obama for his foreign policy. The world is a funny place!

baked bean

My family is almost all conservative. You get used to it and deal. Just don't talk about politics, and if you're at their house, avoid the room with Fox News on. If it is turned up too loud or there is no other room to sit in, use this as an excuse to go for a walk with the probably one or two other people that don't want to hear everyone watch Bill O'Riley and bitch.
I get where everyone comes from, even if I don't agree with them. You can have whatever political views you want, but please, make sure they are your own, and not something someone told you you should think or a rumor you heard.
I was thinking about going home this weekend to see my parents, but I think I'll wait a couple of weeks when the Post-Election Grumpy Tide has passed. Even if my dad doesn't mention politics, he'll be grumpy about everything because he's thinking about politics.

@stuffisthings But his foreign policy (drone attacks and starting new wars and not ending old ones) are my least favorite thing about him :(


@OxfordComma You may or may not see this comment, but personally, I draw a big line between people who are conservative economically and conservative socially. Unfortunately, today's Republican party is completely backwards in terms of social progress, so that's what most people see. But as a die-hard Democrat (who ten years ago would have said she was a conservative through and through), if I ever run into a declared Republican whose idea of small government extends to staying out of my personal life, then I'm totes cool with that. I just don't have any patience for people who think that their personal religious beliefs should be applicable to everyone or are a get out of jail free card for their offensive behavior, which is the direction a lot of prominent conservatives lean.


@MoxyCrimeFighter : I hear you. That's why I vote Libertarian.

I feel that both Democrats and Republicans are too willing to allow government intrusion into their private lives. It's a fragile balance between taxing in order to pay for, you know, roads, while also having the freedom to pursue life, liberty and happiness without having to file for a permit.


@Ophelia - THIS. This is what I was trying to say when I said "WHY they are..." but you said it so much better. Shortly after I posted my comment yesterday, I went to see my dad and he was talking about how unhappy he was with the election results and he said "I know you don't agree with me, but I want to tell you why I'm upset" and all of his points? I don't necessarily agree with them, but I absolutely understand where he's coming from. And none of them have to do with hating anyone else or putting limits on anyone else's life.

fondue with cheddar

@fondue with cheddar is that your glasses case in your pocket, or...


Regarding the silent treatment, you may wish to consider setting yourself or the other party on fire. If that seems extreme, maybe you can just tell them they have some spinach in their teeth so they will have to talk to you to figure out which tooth.


As someone who is dealing with all of these questions (and by all, I mean 1 & 2, my mom became a huge liberal in the 90s and I'm scared of leaving nyc so not the last two), let me offer my approach.

1-They are all flirting with you, all of them, all of the time. The new glasses are a proxy for the tUnE-yArDs tone in their voice. People often say it is confidence or something that the new glasses give you, but the truth is, some glasses come from the same secret places that mogwai do, and are indeed powerful. Be careful with your new seduction powers.

2-I like to stop talking to the person who is giving me the silent treatment, and act like it's not a silent treatment, we just don't actually have anything to say at the moment and we're really busy, and sometimes people just don't talk for a little while, you know? For the first 1-15 days (more if they are a former sex partner, or current, who knows, maybe you have sex with someone you're not speaking to, who am I to judge?) it is hard, but then, weirdly, you eventually start to believe it. Then when you talk again, they either raise the issue, but are in the mood to fix / discuss it, which you were in the first place, or, best of all, the cause of it is just magically ignored/forgotten/buried/left unaddressed simmering beneath the surface. I love when this happens, because I am wildly non-confrontational and terrified of arguments with people I care about, and it's kind of surprising how often a little bit of space just makes all the bad ju-ju go away!


@leon s A coworker and I have been giving each other the silent treatment for over six years. BEAT THAT, anyone.


@leon s LEON why aren't you addressing the "hordes of flirtatious commenter" issue. PS I like your glAAASsses.


@halfheartedyoga What up honeydip?


I am a Cowardly Slut™! But Jim Behrle accepted my Facebook advance, and now I am slowly wooing him by liking snide things his real friends say about him. Baby steps.


@noReally also a cowardly slut. but i gchatted with jim behrle and it was really fun and maybe i will do this again so i'm clearer about which pumpkin patch.


Buddy, we're practically falling at your feet here. What do we have to do, drug your drink?


@noReally compliment his glasses.

Jim Behrle@twitter

@noReally One of you lives in Portland, the other Massachusetts. I may be looking for someone who could meet me in the Pumpkin Patch in Brooklyn for right now.


@wearitcounts: It's the most sincere one.

fuck fuck fuck

@Jim Behrle@twitter oh wut really?


You CAN get the silent treatment at work- if you have the worst passive aggressive bully princess co-worker on the planet. Which I do have.

Her icey silence gives me a headache.


I've thought about the first inquiry before when complimenting male friends of mine on stuff like glasses and haircuts and beards. And even when I have zero romantic interest in them whatsoever (which is usually) I sound a little flirty when I'm stressing how gooooood they look with that new haaaaair, or without those oold glaaasses on. And it's because I want them to know that whatever they've changed about themselves is registering as attractive to an arbitrary member of the sex they like to attract, and hoping they'll make the connection that it'll do that for others as well and feel confident about it.


@itiresias I think the analogy they used in our sexual harassment training at work was "that's a nice dress" (green light) versus "you look good in that dress" (red light).


@stuffisthings Oh and we totally use that traffic light metaphor allllll the time.


OK, I'm going to answer questions 1 & 4 at once:

I just Facebooked stalked you and your glasses look super cute! Also we have 3 mutual friends! Is that creepy of me to stalk you on Facebook? I am definitely flirting with you, creepily. And I will meet you in the pumpkin patch ANY time.

Jim Behrle@twitter

@paddlepickle stalk me and flirt with me all you want--see you in the pumpkin patch once I get over the cold I got from HANGING OUT ALONE IN THE PUMPKIN PATCH WITH THE SPIDER. Also, I wish Edith had kept in the answer to the Meaning of Life, but maybe that was just for me and her


@Jim Behrle@twitter If it's not 42 it's definitely goat cheese. What did Edith say? Also, Is your FB profile pic a bunch of people rubbing your shaved head? Because that is like my FAVORITE activity. Also I wonder if I ever flirted with you at a poetry brothel and forgot about it because I was drunk, because our mutual friends are poetry brothel peoples.


@paddlepickle Tell me more about this "poetry brothel."


@meetapossum Oh whoops I assumed you knew 'cause you're Facebook friends with the founder and two of the whores (although maybe you're just friends with Jennifer Michael Hecht because she is the COOLEST PERSON EVER)! They throw parties that are like brothels, 'cept the whores give you private poetry readings instead of sexings.


@paddlepickle Well, I am not Jim Behrle, but that sounds pretty incredible.

fondue with cheddar

@paddlepickle I have a very hard time not rubbing the shaved heads of strangers who are within arm's reach of me.


@paddlepickle I am sorry WHAT and WHERE and HOW CAN I BE THERE.


In my lifetime, my dad has voted for (in order), McGovern, Ford, Anderson, Reagan, Bush Sr., Clinton (twice), Gore, Bush Jr., and Obama. I think this year he voted for Romney. So yes, it's possible to love Republicans...and wacky grumpy moderate people who jump all over the place.


I told a guy the other day that he's irresistible with his glasses on and now I'm worried I may have given him a complex about it. I'm a four eyes who wears contacts most of the time, I should know better!

Luckily he reads this site so a little damage control is in order... dude: you're pretty irresistible without the glasses, too.

Valley Girl

Compliments! A couple of years ago I decided to work on giving good, sincere compliments about appearance, and not just "I notice your new thing" or "I notice your new thing and think it would look even better on ME" statements. Because that's what compliments seem to be saying a lot of the time when they're not on the flirtatious spectrum. Sometimes it still sounds like the same "I love your sweater!" but the motivation matters.


Is Jim Behrle supposed to be like Davey Keith from Anne of Green Gables?


@redheaded&crazie If so, I would like to flirt with him, but I think in a cow pasture because that seems a little more PEI appropriate.

Disco Sheets

@redheaded&crazie OMG THAT is who Jim Behrle reminds me of!


@redheaded&crazie "The kind of girlfriend I'd like to Have.
"She must have good manners and like my glasses and meet me for dinner or time and always be very polite to me. She must be twentyfive yers old. She must be good to the poor and vote for Obama and be good tempered and go to brunch regularly and like me on Facbook. She must be very handsome and have curly hair and like pumpkin patchs. If I get a girlfriend that is just what I like Ill be an awful good boyfriend to her. I think a woman outght to be awful good to her boyfriend. Some poor women havent any boyfriends. "THE END"


@redheaded&crazie P.S. I wish I could give your Davy Keith comment all the thumbs up.


@Bittersweet oh my god I wish I could give YOUR davey keith comment all the thumbs up!!!!!!!!!!!


@Bittersweet IT's not letting me like it and I'm just clicking and clicking and clicking that lil thumb. Some poor women haven't any thumbs!!


Maybe I am clueless, but I think compliments about glasses are just compliments about glasses! I wear glasses and I have prescription sunglasses, and I get an absurd number of compliments on both. I don't think I am magically irresistible, but I do have pretty good taste in glasses, IMO.



Well, there's a difference between (ordinary voice) "I like your glasses" and (throaty voice, accompanied by little tap on your forearm) "I like your glasses" -- it sounds like Jim might be having some trouble telling the difference. (Sorry, Jim! I love your drawings!)

Jim Behrle@twitter

@City_Dater I went to this all boy high school and missed some essential things about flirting. I do know when guys are flirting with me. But sometimes I think I am too dense to know when women are. Hence my lonely pumpkin patch lifestyle


@Jim Behrle@twitter

*Leans in closer, whispers* Girls flirt in many of the same ways boys flirt.
Shhh... Don't tell anyone I told you that.

(See, I was just flirting with you, right there)

fondue with cheddar

@City_Dater I have picked up two men by standing next to them, lightly kicking the side of their foot with the side of my foot, and when they looked at me I smiled and said "nice shoes". It worked like a charm both times!

It may have helped that we were wearing the same shoes in both cases (Doc Martens for the first, Chucks for the second), but I think it would still work if you weren't.


@churlishgreen I feel like glasses are a really tricksy thing to shop for, since the right ones can be so face-transformative and the wrong ones can really, really destroy/obscure the things that make your face into your face. And it's so hard to pick them out for yourself, since we all have such weird self-image problems. (I have never been so aggressive with a salesperson as the one who had different opinions from me about which glasses looked good on my boyfriend. I mean, the sales dude was also clearly flirting with the bf, so thematic circle of life: many things are easier to see from the outside.) So it's helpful when lots of people seem extra-pleased by your new glasses, because you know they do better by your face than the last ones.

@Jim Behrle: I think you're onto something with the "length of time" differentiation. If I'm not-flirting complimenting someone, it's a one-and-done mention. Of course, I flirt a lot, and often without any real intent, so just determining "is this flirtation?" is only the first step in deciphering this lady's lady-talking ways.


People still say "I like your glasses" to me which is weird because I've had them for over five years at this point and these are people who see me every day at work (although not every day for five years I guess). They will randomly say "have your glasses always been blue?" and I say "yes they have been blue for five years." In conclusion, sometimes it takes people a really long time to notice your glasses.


@VDRE I have a similar problem, but it's because I usually see a lot of my friends in the dark at bars. So I'll get "Your hair is red!" "Your eyes are green!" and then maybe a compliment on it. Sometimes people are slow.


@VDRE My brother asked me yesterday if my glasses were new. They are not; I've had them for over a year. Him, in a surprised tone: "They're red!". Yeah, sometimes people take a long time to notice.


I am in this same boat, I had to start wearing my glasses this week because I scratched my eye, and have got many compliments. I forgot how AWESOME glasses are!!

Jim Behrle@twitter

I do have an okcupid profile. It sucks. And I may change it to noreasterbf. It is hurricanebf


@Jim Behrle@twitter I almost reactivated my profile entirely for that but it turns out I didn't need one to find it. It's good! Maybe a bit sparse.


@Jim Behrle@twitter you're not emailing enough ladies pictures of your wanger


@Jim Behrle@twitter - You can change okc names to match current events?!?!?! This is brilliant news. Hopefully someone is still looking for an ElectionCelebrationOrCommiserationBf.


@leon s You're also just in time for Winter Boyfriend season. I think people are shopping now, FYI.


You're an odd duck, Jim Behrle. Thanks for the laugh on this anxious day!


I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE THE PUMPKIN PATCH WAS (I never know where anything is)


Jim, do you have a wallet chain (dealbreaker)? Or a tail (non-dealbreaker)?

Jim Behrle@twitter

@laurel I don't have a wallet chain. Do you mean like a monkey tail? I wish.


@Jim Behrle@twitter In your self-portrait up top there's a little loop by your bottom-area. Maybe it's one of those loop thingies on, like, Carhartt pants?

And yeah, a monkey tail would be awesome. I'd use mine to hold my coffee cup while I type.

Jim Behrle@twitter

@laurel I was wearing carpenters jeans in that drawing. They are baggy and comfy.


@Jim Behrle@twitter I'm glad you consider the comfort of your comicself.

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

Girls make passes at boys who wear glasses! *wink*


@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose
Girls will make passes at boys with big asses (is what I tell everyone I am making passes to) (and then the back pocket stroke and then you're golden).

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@Inkling Hahahaha, the back pocket stroke has me giggling. I wish I could experience that first hand; I imagine it would be like watching Megan from Bridesmaids work her magic.


@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose
Girl (?), do it first hand.
Trace your fingertip from the far bottom corner of their pocket seam to the seam that goes down the outside of their hip.
-Go slow
-Use your fingernail if possible to give them extra jitters
-Don't go over the pocket itself because the material is too thick
-Don't go farther down their butt or they'll get Unsexily Uncomfortable rather than Sexily Unnerved
-If they have generous circumference, two spread fingers are my preference.


I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@Inkling I am a lady, you got that right, but my preferences dictate that I do this to other ladies. I hope it works the same way!


I really love wearing glasses. I feel slightly more protected from the outside world. But you can't just ask, are people simply complimenting/noticing my glasses or are they using the fact of the glasses to flirt with me? You have to ask yourself, if they are in fact flirting with me, is it due to any actual interest on their parts, or is flirting just their default form of interaction?


iceberg wants to know - Jim, I just friend requested you on Facebook, is that creepy?


@iceberg man, now I want to.

Jim Behrle@twitter

@theotherginger do it


@behrle you are a dreamer and a wag. How is any of these cowardly sluts to know that you really mean it? You don't even provide the address of the pumpkin patch, thereby giving the inescapable impression that you don't care whether or not anyone finds you? Anyhoodle, I think you ought to go ahead and ask one of these flirts out on a date.

The Casual Reader

@barnhouse Yes. Next hairpin meetup should be in Brooklyn, we will give Jim Behrle roses to hand out to the cowardly sluts of his choosing. Maybe Jolie will bring lemon squares.

Jim Behrle@twitter

@The Casual Reader HOW CAN I CHOOSE JUST ONE HAIRPINNER? You can all have me. Tear me apart. Take all of me.

Jim Behrle@twitter

they could always ask me out

Jim Behrle@twitter

some people maybe would rather do it outside comment fields: behrle at catholic dot org


I think compliments are great! I feel like too many people in my job/age range rely too heavily on the observational comment, thiiiinking it can substitute as a compliment. But they are wrong.

"You got a haircut!" is not the same as "I like your haircut!" All it does is make me answer awkwardly ("Why I sure did, you!"), grumble to myself, and spend the next month wondering if my haircut sucks.

Really all I have going for me is my 20/20 vision, I guess.


My philosophy is they are ALWAYS flirting. That way you can be flirty back, and not feel bad about it!

(Also, because it's true.)


bitches fickily / fickles bitchily.

(spending way too much time sounding out both options at work for no discernible reason)

Old Greggette

Jim, I was actually waiting for you at a pumpkin patch in Warwick, NY. Next time I guess we should be clearer on the location.

Jim Behrle@twitter

@Old Greggette Where is this Warwick NY you speak of?

Old Greggette

The corn maze was also great.



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