Monday, November 5, 2012


Five OkCupid Messages That Made Me Want to Revise My Profile

"you look like russell brand hahaha"

 The first thing people usually notice about me: It’s a three-way tie between my voluminous hair, my megawatt smile, and the fact that when people look into my eyes they think, “She has a knife in her sock.”

"hey wuss up gorgeous :) jus to let u know im the best lookin guy in the world"

I spend a lot of time thinking about: Whether I can find the world’s best looking guy not by looking at thousands of guys, but instead by waiting to encounter a handsome, male man expert online.

"The weather today is nearly ideal, in stark contrast to the sultry conditions of last week. Lets hope for more of the same.

How is your weekend so far?"


Favorite TV shows: The Wire, New Girl, My So-Called Life, and Friends. I also appreciate the Weather Channel for not editorializing about how heat is “sultry,” hail is “hefty,” or rain is “not getting any further up in the sky, I’m afraid.”

"you have nice lips"

On a typical Friday night, I am: Out with my lips and my friends’ lips. And my friends.

"your smile is so cheesy, i want to throw tortilla chips in your face and gobble you up......

bet you never heard a worse pickup line. :P"

The most private thing I’m willing to admit: If you throw tortilla chips at my face without asking, I will try to eat them out of midair. Privately, though, I will think you are rude.

Mae Rice has written for McSweeney's Internet Tendency, The Morning News and The Stranger. Her favorite emoticon is the :D

197 Comments / Post A Comment

Anne Helen Petersen

sweet christ the things people send in OK cupid messages. from back in my online date-o-rama years: oh you're a film phd student? I LOVE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION. (repeat x 500,000)


@Anne Helen Petersen there are so many layers of WTF in that response that I can't believe more than one person tried it (but then again, I also totally can believe that).

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@Anne Helen Petersen Did anyone ever make a joke along the lines of, "Oh, hey, you're a film phd student? I'd like to gaze at your Rosebud, ifyaknowwattamean..."

Anne Helen Petersen

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose That would require watching more than Shawshank Redemption (and, close second, Braveheart)


@Anne Helen Petersen
Oh, just winced at my screen. Braveheart? Really, Braveheart?


@Anne Helen Petersen it was my highschool boyfriend's favorite movie EVAR. & he was definitely a dudely dude.


@Anne Helen Petersen I was in grad school when I Internet-dated and my favorite was the message that proudly declared "I have over 100 books, and I have read all of them."


Someone told me I looked like Skrillex! Best.


@iffie that's an insult even when addressing Skrillex himself.


@nonvolleyball Like, like, like.


During my brief stint in online dating, getting ridiculous messages from strange men was my absolute favourite.
Sometimes I debate asking my husband if I can go back just as a lurker. So much of what the men I encountered passed off as flirtatious banter was hilarious.


I once had to revise mine to say "I don't, nor will I ever, date Libertarians. And I definitely hate laughing or exploring everything the city has to offer, so take that business elsewhere."


@parallel-lines I used to put that I only want people who don't know the difference between "there" and "their" and have no sense of humor.

Hailey Bachrach@facebook

I got a message once that was just a guy castigating me for putting an ideal age range on my profile that he was seven years outside of. Good pick-up line, bro, you'll definitely get me to change my mind with that one...


@Hailey Bachrach@facebook I never understand the arguers. If I've stated up front that I'm not interested in what you have to offer, shrug, move on, and find someone who might be. I mean, sometimes I see something in someone's standards that excludes me, and sometimes I think those standards are douche-y, but that just means I don't need to date that person, you know?


As horrifying as those dudes' comments are, back when I was single and on OKC, I secretly kind of loved them because they made my syntactically correct, correctly spelled, and thought-out messages stand out by comparison.


@Emby my boyfriend feels this way about himself and i like it about him anyway..

baked bean

@Emby Dude yeah, I love the ridiculous messages. Best part about OKCupid.

Hiroine Protagonist

Ha, I remember putting "feminist" as a descriptor and then a boatload of concern trolls advising me that I'd never get a man if I let that slip early on. Good to know, concern trolls, good to know.


@Hiroine Protagonist Your Pin-name is fantastic :) Snow Crash was a formative text for me!


Can we make it okay for me to start saying "What up honeydip?"

I mean, I don't. I'm sure it's not okay. But I wish it was.

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@leon s You can say that me. I'm very OK with that.

Reginal T. Squirge

Favorite hip-hop slang terms for women (non-hateful division) GO!

I vote for "shorty". Or "dime".


@Reginal T. Squirge "Boo." It's gotta be "boo."

fuck fuck fuck

@Reginal T. Squirge dime is arguably offensive but i do like shorty.



"I wouldn't call you my bitch, or even my boo
There's so much in a name, and so much more in you."
~Common, The Light

(but come on, "boo" is really the greatest. It even means beautiful! Shorty is a close second. 'Dime' I'm not big on, cuz of the whole rating thing.)


@Reginal T. Squirge When people call me Shorty, they're generally making fun of me for being tall.

Reginal T. Squirge



@Reginal T. Squirge - I mean, is this the place for us to ONCE AND FOR ALL resolve the issues that come from being both a hip-hop fan and a decent person?

Case In Point: "Pop That". There are basically no words, beyond a few pronouns and articles, in this song which are not either wildly offensive, juvenile, or both. And yet...I fucking love this song. I feel like that's wrong, but COME ON. It's so good.

Am I complicit in horrible things by blasting this jam at all of my parties, or does anyone have some kind of great rationalization worked out I can borrow?


@leon s "I'm not being sexist, just racist."

Reginal T. Squirge

Oh, there's no way out of that one. You just have to accept it and try to balance it out with your real-life actions. I mean, what, am I just gonna not listen to this Geto Boys album?

Sometimes I feel like if I started ruling out the offensive stuff I would just never enjoy any pop culture created by men ever. Unless you wanna go with super safe Atmosphere-type rap... and what kind of future is that?


@leon s I feel like Jay Smooth probably has some things to say about that.


I mostly listen to raps about the travails of running a small business, overcoming barriers to free trade, and the advantages of gun ownership. So good, Republican hip hop music.

Reginal T. Squirge


50 Cent?


Jay Smooth is just a good person for life guidance. But he really helps navigate a bunch of hip-hop fuckery while still being a fan.


@Blushingflwr - He's really great.

Also, I'm thinking about this at my lunch break, and now I am bummed at myself, because I'm realizing how stupidly easy it is for me to be like "Oh, it is just a song! No biggie!" from a position of privilege, and how even stupider it is to just assume that it's a point worth rationalizing, and like, Help me justify promoting negative things, since they don't hurt me I'd rather find a way to not feel guilty than to give up things I like that hurt others.

Yeah. So, that's pretty bogus of me, I think.


@leon s I love hip-hop. Occasionally some song is really gross and makes me do a double take at the fact that my gender is being treated as an object and it's incongruous with my feeling like I command respect as a person, but mostly I just don't think about it. There are a ton of un-sexist hip hop songs that have female characters in them, though. E.g. "Sometimes I Rhyme Slow," "Do Over," "Ms. Fat Booty," songs by Aesop Rock, ummmm other stuff I'm undoubtedly not thinking of.

Semi-relatedly, I got into an argument on facebook once about whether or not there is a racial element to sexism in hip-hop songs. Like, someone made the argument that white girls have a position of privilege about not having to care about sexism in hip-hop, because "the girls in the songs aren't white." I disagreed with this at the time, but I've given it a lot more thought and now don't really know what to think.

Reginal T. Squirge

Not so fast with giving "Ms. Fat Booty" a stamp of approval. It ends with him getting a little too upset with a woman that decided she didn't want to be with him any more and would started dating women (the horror!). Also, "chinky-eyes".

I love Bey as much as the next man but he's got his problems, too.


@Reginal T. Squirge I don't think that's really sexist though . . . I honestly find it a pretty positive and refreshing view toward women because it's about how she's, like, the hottest and coolest girl ever and he's trying to lock it down and she's not having it.

Reginal T. Squirge

True, it's very non-specific and open to interpretation. It's just the more I listen to that song, as I've gotten older, the more it's read as slut/bisexual-shaming.


@Emby Haha, I call my dog "boo" is that weird?

Also I would probably appreciate as unique a term of affection as honeydip, as it's pretty obvious from these messages that men are NOT original creatures. Or rather, not most of them.


@leon s: Legit purchase the progressive stuff, steal the bad stuff!


@Megano! I called my cat "my boo kitty." I think it's part of how diminutive I find that term.

I'm taller than my boyfriend, and he is therefore my shorty. The fact that he embraced this enthusiastically (unlike some previous fellows' "ewww, girls' name") helps prove he's worth keeping.


@Ellie there's definitely a racial element to how upset white feminists get about hip-hop/rap. like, have you HEARD country music? or pop music? or actually there's a ton of shit that's really problematic in indie music, but because it's "whiter" it gets a pass? ughhhhhh

but yeah, as a white lady who loves a lot of problematic things, I'm sure there's something to the criticism that because most misogynistic rap songs are talking about women of color, I'm not forced into that role, and so I can enjoy it from a position of at least partial privilege. INTERSECTIONALITY! it's complicated!


Pixies. Exactly.


@fuck fuck fuck I dunno- I've also heard that used to describe children. So unless it's okay for dudes also to be shorty, I am calling offensive on that one.


@realtalk Word. I was just wondering if blues (songs about cheating and beating on women) rock/pop (I get it up for the touch of the younger kind!?!?!?!) country/ folk (murder ballads?) or opera (Carmen!) all suddenly just had cleaned up back catalogs.

But somehow rap/ hip hop is ever so much worse? Really?


@PistolPackinMama Wait, why would it be offensive if it's a term that can only be applied to women? "Girlfriend" isn't offensive, is it? It has a different meaning when you call a kid "shorty" ("Hey shorty, give me your lunch money!").

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll I'm clearly oblivious to most things that would offend a reasonable person, but I am coming up with NOTHING . . . why the Pixies in particular?!?!


@PistolPackinMama - I think it's a fair argument - I'd thought about writing a comment to that point yesterday.

The thing, for me, that makes it a valid question with hip-hop is - Hip-Hop is basically the only genre of new music I listen to where I let it slide - it's the only genre of new, still being produced music I even pay attention to, frankly.

I write off the faults of the past because, well, it's the past - we need to acknowledge them, but I'm not going to avoid Shakespeare because in Elizabethan England, all female roles were played by men in drag.

I really don't feel it's a race issue (for me, and probably a lot of people commenting here) - there's no denying there's a racial component to some mainstream attacks of hip-hop by "The Establishment", but the questioning by hip-hop fans & music nerds of the place for misogynist, pro-drug, or anti-gay sentiment in the music we love is different.

You could make a pretty 'good' (mostly songs our moms would know the words too) album of just classic rock/pop songs about statutory rape, classic delta blues probably spends more time talking about prison life than an equal amount of hours of Dipset.

Maybe some of this just comes out of the fact that, too be willing to throw off the expectations of regular society and lives 'as they want' - you need to be a rebel, in some way, to be a rockstar or rapper. Maybe there's just something to how that transgressiveness comes out that means the current music will always be a little on the vulgar & inappropriate side, and that in embracing it in music, we get to let out a little bit of our inner id / impulse towards bad in a 'safe' way. I dunno.


@leon s @Ellie I'm five feet tall and will automatically punch in the dick any man to whom I am not related (and some to whom I am) who calls me "shorty." In my book it's the equivalent of calling a woman "Tits McGee" or something.

Also @leon s -- Jenna Marbles has a great video on what she learned from hip-hop.


@leon s Just imagine that every misogynistic rap lyric is actually being sung to the rapper's boyfriend. Problem solved.

@Ellie I'm struggling with that as well. Most of their lyrics are absurd or references to obscure movies?


@Xanthophyllippa Haha, I don't like the term at all so I don't know why I am obsessively continuing to define it but I don't think it refers to height, anyway! "Shorty: a girlfriend of any height" (http://www.nytimes.com/2007/09/30/magazine/30wwln-safire-t.html>/a>) But, like, in my example of calling some kid shorty, it kind of does, but in a really 50's way.


@Ellie I think about it this way:

Words used in English dialect that mean "child" or "children"

Bundle--b PPM-Family, refers to babies who can't crawl.

Scoop- PPM-Family, refers to children who can crawl but not walk.

Scamper- PPM-Family, pre-elementary school aged child, able to walk.

Bairn- Scottish, same as bundle and scoop.

Anklebiters- British, refers to children up to scamper age, or thereabouts.

Tottie (pronounced toh-tee)- From "toddler." West coast of Scotland/ Scottish, refers to toddler aged children.

Wean- Scottish, from wean off milk. Pronounced "wayne." Refers to children older than bottle-aged, can be used all the way to teenagerhood.

Shorty American dialect (originally African American? IDK). When applied to a boy/male child, refers to children up to the age of a wean. When applied to a girl/female child, used (by men, as far as I can tell, I don't really think I've seen a case of a woman calling another woman shorty, but I don't know?), until you are old enough to be so much older than the person speaking to you that it's a sign of real disrespect. You don't call your grandma shorty.

It's similar to the use of boy/girl, lassie/lad, quine (girl)/ loon (boy). When child-designation names become gendered, the period when it's acceptable (or at least, common) for women to be indicated by child-names lasts longer than it does for men, and a speaker needs to be less intimately acquainted with the woman to use it than with men.

It might not be a conscious decision to use a word in a sexist way. But that doesn't mean that using a child-name for a woman when it no longer applies to a man isn't a sexist practice.

Actually, now that I typed that out, I am even more on the side of "it's sexist" because shorty goes from meaning "child of sex" until boys reach the age when they are no longer children and then is exclusively applied to women. It's an age based gender neutral indicator that becomes explicitly gendered when men age out. Argh.

woman :: child= infantalizing.


@PistolPackinMama This seems kind of prescriptivist to me though. I feel like it has a very well established usage referring to adult women in a romantic/sexual context, that is now separate from its use as a word referring to children. We'd have to throw out an impractical amount of words if we judged every word on its etymology and not its current accepted usage.


@Ellie If the current accepted usage is infantilizing, let's go right ahead and throw out all those words. Or at the very least, work hard to change that current accepted usage.


OK I've generated the random letter sequence "trzbjq." It has no cultural or etymological baggage and we can safely use it as a term of endearment for women. Problem solved, my trzbjqs!

Vera Knoop

@Reginal T. Squirge I remember the first time someone called me "shorty" (circa 1997). I was at least three inches taller than he was and very confused.


One guy just messaged me "what is ur favorite animal u've ever ridden."

I don't even know what to do with that. World?

fuck fuck fuck

@BoozinSusan i'm going to make a fake profile with that quote as the content for every section.

Lily Rowan

@BoozinSusan "I'm pretty sure you're going to say it will be you, but nothing can top that camel in Egypt in 04."

Sella Turcica

@Lily Rowan My animal is a camel too!!! It was soo soft.


@Lily Rowan: I rode an elephant once but I still don't date Republicans.


Definitely preying mantis.

hahahaha, ja.

@Only does it to be popular: ... I read this as "My animal is a camel toe!!!" and was going to congratulate you on it being so soft, as that is not the first adjective that comes to mind when I think about camel toes.

@BoozinSusan A donkey. A real one, not just another democrat.

Ham Snadwich

@BoozinSusan - My profile pic was me on a camel, and my now-wife commented on it in her first email.

The actual camel was terrifying and smelly.

Lily Rowan

I feel like I should say that I've never been on a camel, personally. That was just my suggested response!


"I want to cum on ur glasses" is a message I've received from several different suitors.


@Slutface "and then buy you a new pair to replace them", right?


@Slutface At least it wasn't, "I want to cum on your recliner."

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@Slutface I've seen, "Those are the whitest teeth I've ever cum across." :(


@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose Gross!


@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose need brain bleach STAT.


I'm making a file in my Google drive of (usually unintentionally) hilarious profiles/messages.
This was one guy's profile:

About me:
im very easy going guy for the most part.
drama free reliable. and open minded personality.
i'm looking for samoan that is nice open minded
im fanny and serious when i have to be
I consider my self normal and that's what im looking for NORMAL
let me know if you wont to know more .
I’m really good at
almost everything
The first things people usually notice about me
my face I hope
The six things I could never do without
my kids.family.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
my kids
On a typical Friday night I am
my kids


@BoozinSusan I want to set it to music! The "S...." ramps up to that big beautiful "I'm really good at / almost everything" hook.

Call it "Open Minded Samoan."


@BoozinSusan I feel like that is basically Oulipo poetry or something?

Miss Maszkerádi

Yeah, I'd rather continue on my path toward dying alone and being found weeks later half-eaten by an Alsatian than join a dating website. Reading these and other horrifying random messages, I think it would just further convince me that all men are soulless predatory creeps looking for sex slaves and possessions. BUT, if I were on OKC or similar, and got that message about the nacho smile, I would probably spend HOURS trying to come up with something even more horrifyingly bad to send back.

Leah Klein@facebook

@Countess Maritza Boooo!!! I met my boyfriend on OKC! I went on dates with about 7 different guys, and all but one were really nice/interesting/funny! And I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 2 years, so, I can vouch for OKC!

Yes, there were are lot of weirdos on there, but a lot of nice people as well!

Miss Maszkerádi

@Leah Klein@facebook Ok, congrats and I've been duly booed. Gonna go say fifteen mea culpas now brb.

I'm sorry, the sudden lack of sunlight has apparently turned me into a horrible shrew.


@Countess Maritza Hahahaha, aw, I don't think you're a shrew! OKC and other dating sites work really well for some folks (case in point: my good friend just moved in with her girlfriend who she met two years ago on OKC), but for others, they do not work at all (see my post in the FOT which you graciously replied to). Not to worry, Countessie, not to worry. By gum and dag-nabbit, you and I shall purloin our suitors from Other Places.

Miss Maszkerádi

@wee_ramekin <3 "by gum and dagnabbit" is my phrase for the day.


@Countess Maritza Aw, I'm sorry it creeps you out so hard! I'm feeling particularly boosterish because I just got engaged this weekend to a guy I met on OKC four years ago (I like to tell people I ordered him on the internet), but I think that while it is probably less scary than all of us make it out to be, definitely different strokes for different folks.

Case in point: I regularly called OKC my "man catalog" and recreationally baited the illiterate wackadoos, and wooed my fiancé with a written lecture on perfume manufacturing and anosmia. It's OK to prefer your romantic life to have a little more dignity, by gum and dagnabbit.


@bowtiesarecool I totally get the Internet dating thing. I mean, once you're out of college, your friends scatter, and your circle of acquaintances constricts, it becomes so much harder to meet people. Especially if you're not the sort of woman that guys approach all the time. Is meeting a random in a bar really more "dignified" than encountering someone online?
I mean, reading those lame messages definitely gets me to squeal w/ hilarity/schadenfreude, but I also think they merit the same amount of attention/thought as bad pick-up lines delivered in person. Which is none at all.


@Countess Maritza I met my spouse on... Craigslist personals. It's so embarrassing... really. OKC would at least have added some dignity to the whole affair!

Springtime for Voldemort

@DrFeelGood I've met so many girlfriends and friends on CL.


I sort of miss the idiocy enough to log back onto my defunct account to share some of them with you guys. My favorite:

do u date outside ur race
i like to spoil my girl
i can spend 3500 a month on my girl

I got a good laugh out of it but didn't want him to see that I had visited his profile, so I didn't. About a month later, I told a friend and she wanted to see him, so we figured it would be okay. His name was something like "desert breeze" and his only photo showed his face obscured by large sunglasses. Very few fields were filled out. That night I got a new message:

would 4000 a month change ur mind?

hahahaha, ja.

@whateverlolawants: Did it???


@whateverlolawants when that happened to me, i would just set my profile to invisible and creep away! am i bad?


@hahahaha, ja. Yes. I'm easy.
@catparty No. I just didn't want to go invisible for some reason. I think I was misinformed on how it worked?


@catparty Nope! Just did that last night to check out the 47-year-old foot fetishist's profile without him knowing I had.

Blackwatch Plaid

@lizardjellybean Invisibility was my savior when I found one of my professors on there. His profile name was a Ulysses reference and every image featured him drinking.


@whateverlolawants Oh god, the money thing.
I got one once that said "Can we pay you to let us grope you this weekend?"
Just that. No preliminaries.
Also... "we"???

Unaccompanied Lady

"Do you speak english? How are doing this weekend?"

My profile is in English.

"You are invited to Bursa! Do you have a couch surfing profile?"

"Don't get me wrong because i really don't mean it in a bad way, but...why do women get more attractive and understanding when they are older? especially why after 40s? do you have an idea?"



...I'll just leave this here. You're welcome.


@Bunburying That site always leaves me in a combination of genuine disgust and side-splitting laughter, which is a really odd feeling.


@Bunburying Blocked as "pornography"! Oh, internet filters. *is mostly just amused*


Craigslist is the same! I can't bring myself to OKC but I throw Craigslist posts up a lot. I just don't understand how there are so many people out in the world who can use the internet, who own a computer and/or smartphone, but can't write, spell or use grammar in English. What do all these people do for a living that doesn't require them to be literate? Or, what is wrong with them that they don't think you have to speak in correct English when writing to girls?

That aside I'm actually having an unbelievably fantastic LONG-email exchange right now with a really smart guy who loves the New Yorker as much as I do, went to law school,and has worked on juvenile wrongful convictions and defending terror suspects, plus all these other cool things. I'm pretty excited about this.


@Ellie Even if you saw correct English everyday, if you don't know actual grammar rules, how would you know how to write correctly yourself? Also it is possible that people don't know that they are misspelling a word; it may never occur to them to Google it to find out. If you worked in a team and your job was mostly physical, maybe in construction or in a warehouse, you wouldn't necessarily have or need a high level of literacy. Plus some people don't see it necessary to write in perfect English at all times! It is possible that schools can be imperfect. You're coming across as pretty ignorant and rude in your comment.


@hurts Here's something else "pretty ignorant and rude" for you to contemplate . . . fuck you!


@hurts Totally agree that there are a lot of classist and ethnocentric assumptions tied up in dismissing people who have poor English grammar, and I'm sorry you had to deal with such a nasty response for trying to point that out.

hahahaha, ja.

"nice boob."

I lie awake at night trying to figure out which boob he meant.

Leah Klein@facebook

@hahahaha, ja. You have a 50/50 chance of guessing correctly!

maxine of arc

@hahahaha, ja. The best one I ever received just said "nice rake."

hahahaha, ja.

@Chesh: I can only imagine that your rake is pretty great. I never get compliments on mine.


These are all so special and magical.
Before I turned off my profile, breathing a big sigh of relief, I received a record number of "whatz up?" and "how are u?" messages. Sending a total stranger an introductory email in text speak that includes no actual information: sign you are too young/too stupid to date.


@City_Dater Yeah, this post made me go through some of my old messages, and all the "bad" ones were the ones you describe. I may have deleted the awful ones, or maybe I'm just not active enough on OKC anymore to get crazy messages.



Your level of activity has a direct effect on the amount of bizarre/inappropriate/terrifying correspondence in your inbox on all online dating sites.
My theory is that weirdos automatically write to the first 5 or 10 women whose pictures they see when they log in, without reading profiles at all.


@City_Dater Or those ones that are just 'Hi'. Seriously, what am I meant to say to that...?


Can I complain (humblebrag) about every girl on OKC being smart and reasonable? It's no fun. I want terrible messages sometimes! Every time this subject comes up I feel left out. All I get is nice, intelligent messages from pretty girls. It's lame. :(

Reginal T. Squirge

Oh, I want to cut you so badly right now.


@Don Ugghh I really want to open a profile just to creep on you now. Maybe I can be a vengeful female troll and haunt the male profiles...only then will they know our pain.


I find it really sad and offensive how people often emphasize in their profiles that they are "looking for someone NORMAL!" or that their personality is "drama-free"..

Lisa Frank

@planforamiracle It's safe to assume that any adult that self-describes as "drama-free" is the opposite.


@planforamiracle Law of Drama: http://xkcd.com/1124/


Are they the same people who want you to "know how to take a [constant barrage of sexism masquerading as a] joke"?
ETA ThisIsjustToSay, yes.


After the message from the Belgian tom-boy fetishist from Andromeda who was looking for a strong-thighed woman to give him piggybacks but was otherwise "asexual" (what is in this for me, I wondered?) and who told me that I shouldn't worry about being tall because he was here to appreciate me even though I was tall and other men might not want me – after that one, and the guy who said he wanted to be my father. After that, I decided to take a break.


@Susanna Also, "My profile says I'm looking for women fifteen years younger than myself because I'm thinking about fertility."


@Susanna Oh man. That's something. My friend got a message from a guy who wished she was his little sister, but also wanted to date her.


@whateverlolawants The "little sister/I just want to climb trees with you" is a pick-up artist/The Game line. Your friend should have chewed the guy out for unoriginality.


@MilesofMountains OMG, awful! I don't know how I didn't know that. I will alert her.


@Susanna Whaaaaaat? I never got messages that weird, just guys telling me they liked my bangs. I'm kind of jealous.


@whateverlolawants I WAS MESSAGED BY THAT GUY TOO. it was weird and he got abnormally upset when i asked him what exactly he meant by that.


A guy once messaged me and signed off with an Alistair Crowley quote. NEXT!


@Amphora AVOID ASAP!


Best one, and one of the first ones I ever received: "do u smell like cat food"

......(there was a picture of me with a street cat in Florence, but still, WTF)


I had "bacon" as one of the 6 things I couldn't do without, partially as a joke and partially because BACON, but I started exclusively getting messages about bacon. One guy even tried to ask me out by inquiring as to whether I "know where to get good bacon in the city."

Also had to remove "The Room" from my favorite movies, because, man, some weird-ass guys on OKC love "The Room."


@klemay haha, what a story, Mark!

Flies in my eyes

@klemay I would like to say that I am surprised by getting weird-ass guys by saying you like "The Room"....but I've been to a screening. Although entertaining, there are some weird-ass guys there. Just drown your sorrows in a scotchka.


@nonvolleyball Johnny's my best friend.


I am consistently surprised that I get a lot of dudes messaging me who thank me for mentioning Schrodinger's Rapist on my profile, because they googled it and it totally changed how they interact with women.

I am not so naive as to think that it magically makes dudes into crusaders against rape culture, but it does give me hope for the future.


@thatgirl I Googled 'Schrodinger's Rapist', and the article you're referring to is so spot on. Thanks for mentioning it.


@wee_ramekin Ooh, yeah, should probably have linked that. Thanks! I really like it as a sort of rape culture 101, in a really accessible package for dudes who mean well but have honestly never thought about it before. Plus, the catchy title is good for nerds.


@thatgirl Thanks for posting this (and you too, wee, for the link)--I'd never seen it. On top of its real point, I feel like it also articulates better than I ever could why, even when I do have a BF, I don't like saying it to get some bar guy to leave me alone. I want him to leave me alone because I say so, and not because I'm someone's GF, if that makes sense.


@Hellcat aaaah. I have thought of putting on a ring just to avoid creeps. but I can't do it.


My favorite OKC message I ever received: "You look so young! You make me feel like a man cougar."


I cannot believe nobody has posted this yet.

(My favorite is:
What I'm doing with my life
I go to school to become an airplane I'll be done in March next year,)



Blackwatch Plaid

@mangosara Several of the guys are in the comments asking what's so funny...


@mangosara Apparently my friends are friends with #9, the Cheetos guy. And he's okay with being on this list.


@mangosara Or maybe it was #10, the beauty pageant guy who actually isn't bad-looking? Because I found his FB profile and we have a few friends in common and he's from my city. Or maybe my friends are friends with both of those guys!


Airplane dude = ride it and hide it


Flies in my eyes

@mangosara You just made my day! Oh god, wiping tears from my eyes. Laughter and fear have never been so intermingled.


@mangosara For some reason, #5 is just cracking my ass up.


@Jinxie And #14 makes me want to go hide in a closet. D:


@mangosara Maybe I'm just really oblivious, but some of these pictures are just pictures, aren't they? I mean, I may not find someone attractive, but that doesn't make his picture "nexplanable."


@SarahP For me, it's more about the captions than the photos. Although "First things that people usually notice about me: my hat. my bike." is a MILLION times funnier when you look at the picture.

hahahaha, ja.

Ooooooo another favorite one was the guy twice my age who messaged me and said something like "I know I'm a lot older than you are, but I have good genes, and my grandparents all lived to be over 90." YES THAT IS WHY TWENTY-SOMETHINGS ARE HESITANT TO DATE A FIFTY-SOMETHING.


I don't get very amusing messages, but I keep getting 'quiver' matched with someone whose profile begins with something along the lines of 'I'm in a serious relationship and not into polyamory. I'm also asexual and if that's a problem for you then do not message me.'


@AudreyStapina Is there any explanation of why he's on there?


Putting "if you identify as a feminist" in my "You should message me if" part of my profile has really cut down on the weirdos.

My FAVOURITE recent OKC story: I got a message saying "do you like milk with ice?" from some guy 5 years younger than me. It was weird, so I threw it in google. Turns out it's a PUA line, and this guy's entire profile was a copy from a PUA website.

I sent him the link and a "come on now" message. He wrote back "shh nobody is supposed to know". I sent him a shaming message and demanded that he start thinking of women like human beings and not like sheep that need to be herded and called him pathetic and pointed out that men who talk about "overcoming resistance to the f-close" are rapists.

He wrote back "You're right" and started telling me about how he likes this girl but he thinks she is playing him and how he doesn't know how to open up to her or be real without seeming lame.

I turned into his agony aunt. Can you believe that shit?


@RNL I tried something like that, but it didn't work. Turns out that adding "if all you have to say in your first message to me is 'whats up,' I'm probably not your type" does NOT cut down on the number of guys who send messages that just say "whats up."




@RNL that is actually heartwarming, although bothersome for you.


@RNL Also I totally did not know PUA was a Thing. Terrifying.


@RNL Good for you! The guy who didn't take my "no" for an answer had a copy of "The Game" next to his bed. Fucker.


Is there something terribly wrong or sexy about liking milk with ice? I um... don't want to google myself into sexism depression.
(Just put your whole damn glass in the freezer, duh.)


@whateverlolawants Oh I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry.


@iceberg It was kind of heartwarming! The whole thing made me a little bit happy. Like, when do you get the chance to have a conversation like that with a dude who thinks like that? I stay faaaar faaaaar away in real life. I wish I could show you guys the message history. It goes back and forth for a while.


@RNL That has happend to me a couple of times actually. Misguided PUA antics fill me with white-hot rage in theory and lots of pity in practice - I often feel that it's coming from a place of true despair. It does make me want to play Agony Aunt, when I'm in the right mood. In fact, that's what I generally end up doing when I'm on OKC, more often than not. Guy tries to chat me up, I decline, but apparently a tad too politely to shut the conversation down for good, guy starts pouring out his soul. Of course I'm perfectly aware that the pity-party is just another pick-up strategy, but the misguidedness of it just increases my pity - it's an infinite PUA/pity-Loop. Something about me apparently makes guys want to confess their sexual anxities (eg. the guy who worried he would never find a girl who'd accept his bisexuality or the muslim kid who felt so awfully guilty about masturbation).

I assured the bisexual guy that surely there's a girl out there for him for whom the prospect of a m/m/f threesome would even be a big selling point rather than a red flag, just think of all the slash-fangirls and the readers of m/m romance(apparently a completly novel idea for him) and I told the muslim kid that I was raised catholic and catholics can be weird about sex too and that I might not be exactly catholic any longer, but when I still was, it mattered a lot to me and yet I always felt that I could be sex positive and enjoy masturbation and still be a true believer, because I just could not conceive of a God who would be petty enough to care about stuff like that, and surely, faith is about more important things.

Muslim kid said he found me very wise and knowledgeable and of course I'm perfectly aware that he might just have been a troll. I've read that women who work for suicide hotlines get that a lot, guys with sob stories, who just want someone to talk to them while they jerk off and I think that's awful because it takes away time and attention from people who would need it more. But whether my OKC lost souls are genuine or not, I'm reminded that there are people out there who really feel that way and it breaks my heart quite a bit.

Still, I have to be mortally bored to engage in that kind of thing, which alas, I occasionally am.

The sad thing of course is that I have nothing to offer; my pity does nothing to solve anything.


I got a message from a polyamorous married guy who said "I was disappointed to note on your profile you are only willing to date single people. Can I at least take you out for a cup of coffee and explain how polyamory works?"
Like, Oh, I forgot to check the option "totally want to be polyamorous but too dumb to understand how it works, help!!"


@melmuu I have heard from a lot of those people. Ugh! (Not ugh to polyamory, but to the presumptuousness.)


So I seriously filled out my junky fake profile that had had a picture of Betty White as my profile, and IMMEDIATELY got a message from a guy who said he was just out of a serious, 6-year relationship very sincerely asking me to take his virginity so that next time he was in a relationship he wouldn't be a virgin. He didn't have a picture. I didn't respond.
A week or so later I got a message from a guy who wanted to know if I was staying away from the creeps on Ok Cupid. He ALSO didn't have a picture, so I automatically assumed he was the same guy as before. I don't know that I'm wrong.

Faintly Macabre

@lizardjellybean When I was testing the waters, I had a profile saying I was about 99 years old, but no photo or answers to the questions. After a week or so, an older (60-ish) guy messaged me and flirtily asked if I was really that old or just trying to attract guys looking for cougars. That was the end of my fake profile!

Old Timey Dino

@lizardjellybean I had a very similar message from a guy asking if me if I was staying away from the creeps and if I'd had any luck on the site. He had no photo. I was like, "I literally JUST made this profile and as far as I'm considered, you are one of the creeps." He also messaged two of my friends immediately after they made profiles (same message to all of us). I don't understand how he thinks having no photo will work for him.


Has anyone here ever heard from this insanely hot guy in Brooklyn with a totally ridiculous, probably fake profile? He's apparently all over OKC and I've seen him mentioned on other websites. He messaged my friend (and maybe me, I can't remember) and we live about 700 miles away. I'll try to dig up more details, but I'm guessing some of you have heard from him too.


I've gotten a few good ones lately. One guy who would like his life to emulate a William Gibson novel (a terrifying cyber-dystopia?) and another who wrote on his profile "you shouldn't message me unless you like to dress sexy".

I'd actually go on a date with the first guy (in a very public place), if only to see how he brings Gibson into his daily life.


@heliotropegerbil8 - There are so many delightful/terrifying possibilities there... maybe he just never ever ever takes his sunglasses off? I mean, that would be a start, right?


@alannaofdoom Sunglasses and heavy internet usage?

The alternatives are a cocaine habit and the belief that the world as we know it is an illusion. Either the guy is incredibly boring or a sociopath.


I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years last week. Thinking about these kinds of things makes me want to move to a desert island forever. Is my choice "crippling loneliness" or "guy who wears a fedora on OK Cupid profile"?


@Diana Oh girl, I am feeling you SO HARD. 2 weeks into a break-up with my 2 year boy, and thinking about dating again is the most depressing part.

Emma Peel

@hotdog Hugs to both of you. Don't listen to the people pressuring you to get ON THE INTERNETS AND DATING right away. (They will exist.) If it happens, it happens, if you want to, you want to. Just tell them you are enjoying having some time to yourself and not worrying about All That.


@Emma Peel Yeah, definite hugs.

I also advise staying away for a while. It can be a bit depressing, unless you are in the right mind-space and feeling resilient. I've met some really great people, but I've had some lame experiences too, and the lame ones were hard to deal with when I was getting over whatever break up had spurred me back onto the dating scene. There was this Sex and the City where a character cried into some guy's mouth... yeah.


@Diana Don't worry, there's also "Guy with soul patch who's really into Ayn Rand".
In all seriousness, though, I offer you hugs and sympathy. Also, I think RNL's advice to avoid that whole scene entirely for a while is wise. After my last break up, just thinking about trying to date again caused me physical pain. Eventually, enough time passed and I healed some and the "I'd really like to get laid" thoughts started to outnumber the "ugh, I'm still hurting" thoughts and I knew at that point that I was ready to take the plunge again. No need to worry about dating now; you'll be ready when you're ready and not a moment sooner.


@Jinxie "I'd really like to get laid" is a valid break up phase. Bars are also a valid means to this end, without the romantic overtone that can be stomach-turning when you are heartbroken. I'm slutty like that. Obviously do what works for you.


This wasn't from a dating website, but waaaaaaaaaaay back in the MySpace days, some guy saw my profile photo, which was taken in my kitchen, and PM'd me to say that he'd "drive all the way from [next town over] to get some of dat an push u against dat fridge"... only the spelling was much worse.


hmmmm I got a lot of weird messages, but mostly because I would cite to the latest Science Friday in my profile and would get a bazillion messages from horny biology grad students. Which I didn't mind. And my current caller is indeed from OKC, and had a HIDEOUS grammatical error in his message to me, which I am glad I overlooked (by overlooked I mean I responded by pointing out the error and decided to go out with him based upon his high level of shame).


My very favorite OkCupid message ever, from a profile that seemed super boring and sparse and had no pictures... Behold:

"Hi there I think I'm in love your my kind of girl. First off no puedo
comer kayso porke me da choro. This just in quick strike. Why is it
that our small toe is so juicy and funky. I love to smell it when I'm
cutting my toe nails before a shower. I call it the pay off whiff
whiff yum intoxicating. Ok I'm back now. I met a person on this site
the other day and she turned out to be a he. That's not right maybe if I would of zoomed in on her pic I would have seen that worlds greatest dad hat on the wall lol. She had me fooled. I was devastated so I had to bury my face in some coochie. It was like you here now face suck suck slurp slurp. And speaking of suck. I hate it when a girls vag flaps are non existent that's gross chi wow wow no manches. I think you and I would be fun together. We can dress up in a walmart uniform and talk shit to the customers. Like if they ask questions. Excuse me sir do you have these in a size 6. I will tell them bitch you know damn well you aint finna fit in a six. Not with that stomach you fat greasy motha fucka and walk away. If not this may tickle your fancy.
We can walk by people eating outside of a restaurant and fart in their salad than run away laughing hysterically. I know it sounds childish but it will be funny. I know my profile says I'm looking for a black woman. But I will fuck with you. I have never been with a latina girl before. I know its a damn shame right. I want to hear from you"


@FulanaDeTallcan Woooooowwww. All I can say.


@FulanaDeTallcan hey why didnt you wow wow get back to me i been fartin' in dem sal-salads alone

Reginal T. Squirge

"I was devastated so I had to bury my face in some coochie..."

"And speaking of suck..."



@hurts "Women Farting Alone With Salad" is MUCH more compelling, I'll give you that.


Well, there's this message (edited to remove identifying information). Try and see if you can find the subtle, hidden meaning.

Hello, I hope my note doesn't catch you off guard, my name is .

I may have written to you before and if I have my apologies for any disturbance, however you might wish to revisit my note and see if there is any interest on your part?

I'm a white male age 43 living in the Boston area. I'm seeking a very dominant in-charge woman for a relationship where she is the boss. My apologies if this offends you, that is not my intention. I'm simply trying to be upfront and honest in a respectful way. The woman I seek is one who knows her superior nature, realizes she is a queen to be served, worshiped and obeyed. I would do all she commands, serve her in ALL ways. Be her domestic servant, her personal slave...
If you think this might be something you would like to discuss, please get back to me here or if you wish to instant message me on Yahoo, my screen name there is: slveboy@...


@sunfastrose I feel like I've seen something very similar before, but I don't remember where.


I get some really weird ones.
I have a picture of myself in face paint at a concert..."Go Pack Go! You look good in face paint." (yeah, the green bay packers)

Also one commenting on how sexy my hands are..?!?!! Yeesh.

OH AND like two days ago, a guy sent me a sonnet about my profile. But I checked and he looks like a weirdo.


at least you get messages :-/


Well one of my quiver matches is the dude i share an office with for whom i function as a source of dating advice including 'ew you take pick up artists seriously?' and 'yes long profiles are better but no one needs a short vrsion of your dissertation profile.' i may need to tell him to stop starting each sentence with 'well i read on reddit.....'


@faience also in reply to myself as of five minutes ago got a message from a gguy asking 'r u ok with talking to or more with a married man?'. Ugh

Old Timey Dino

@faience Aside from the fact that you don't want to date a married guy, what is with the "r u ok with talking to a _____?" or "Would you be interested in chatting sometime?" What am I going to say? "Yes, but I can only talk to men Tuesdays at 10:00am so you'll have to wait." Just start a fucking conversation.


@faience I only just changed my status back to 'single' and Im already sick of this.


Two recent douchebag faves:

1) "I think my nose is bleeding. I can see why you're single. [note: profile says seeing someone] Holy shit that profile was intense. It was like war and peace. Oh and the whole feminist thing will have all the guys swooning over you. I don't even remember what corny ass pick up line i was going to use. Had to vent sorry. You have nice hair."

2) "You're neat. If I were a lesser man, I would offer to take you out for dinner and show you something really romantic, but instead I've decided we should just spend an evening getting wasted on Jack Daniels and making love and talking about all the times you've had your heart broken. Anyway you seem like a pretty cool person, I'd love to get together sometime and let you cook for me."


victorian rose

I can't recall any truly horrible messages, but I went on an OKC date on friday and the guy was so arrogant and lecherous that I RAN out of the bar when he went to get a drink. Also horrible breath. There are NO EXCUSES for bad breath.


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