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Wednesday, November 28, 2012

25

The Scarlet B

We've all heard by now that Bigfoot is totally and undeniably real, obviously, which is fantastic news, ESPECIALLY for this adorable guy who wrote a thing for Salon a million billion years ago* about how his residual online Bigfoot presence was destroying his ability to date:

At the time I left, I really didn’t think about how my name would remain floating on the Web, connected to Bigfoot. I was just happy to be away from it all. At the time I was cleaning out the /www/ folder on my ISP’s server, a lot of other Bigfoot Web sites were moving on to the Great Server in the Sky. Bigfoot sites have always suffered a high turnover rate, so it never occurred to me that some links would still be hot three years later. I figured that my association with Bigfoot would slowly fade from the Internet and that my legacy, as I wrote to the members of the IVBC, would be to become the “George Lazenby of the Bigfoot field, a vaguely remembered character who made a brief, tiny contribution the nature of which cannot exactly be recalled at the moment.”

KYLE, it's okay! It's okay now. You do you.

*How long ago? He doesn't even say "Google." He says "ran an Internet search."



25 Comments / Post A Comment

Emby

I'd rather Little Caesar's just bring back the Bigfoot pizza. Mainly for nostalgic reasons. My family ate a zillion of those things.

Emby

@Emby Huh. Apparently that was Pizza Hut, and Little Caesar's had a sort of competitive pizza that was also big, but not called Bigfoot. I would have bet all kinds of money that it was Little Caesar's.

Heat Signature

Also real despite a lack of evidence: Whitney Cummings' career.

Emby

@Heat Signature You're really hammering on that today, aren't ya?

iceberg

@Heat Signature oh my god right? seriously fuck off of my Hairpin, Whitney

Emby

@iceberg Ah, I didn't notice the ad! Now I get it.

Scandyhoovian

@Heat Signature Arghhh, I have accidentally clicked on that ad like five times already today, it's driving me nuts. I don't want to see your stupid new show, Whitney. Fuck off, Whitney.

Ophelia

@Scandyhoovian Seriously! WHY does it extend ALL THE WAY down the page? If you accidentally click outside the lines, you are immediately Whitneyed.

fondue with cheddar

"Ketchum’s statement did not describe where she got her DNA samples."

How do you think she got them...her name is Ketchum.

Decca

@fondue with cheddar Her name is Doctor Melba Ketchum! How is that a real name?!

fondue with cheddar

@Decca Right? first Elon Musk, now Melba Ketchum? Who's next, Englebert Humperdinck?

Decca

@Decca Also, in Googling the good Doctor Ketchum, I've happened across a Bigfoot news blog written by someone named Robert Lindsay. It makes for some fascinating and repugnant reading. Check out how he describes himself: "Personally, I have been described as “otherworldly,”, “beyond highbrow,” “one of those totally out to lunch genius types,” and “off in my own world.” I have a very high IQ, and I’m told that a lot of high-IQ folks are like this." Yep.

And then: I see myself as a pan-humanist universalist and a nonracist race realist, who strongly dislikes the PC, Cultural Marxist, Identity Politics, Western New Left.

I hearken back to an earlier Left that did not shy from cultural critique, particularly of backwards and reactionary cultures. I have major issues with standard Leftist internationalism, as it’s irrational and Utopian.

Although I am generally opposed to racism, I do hate Gypsies.

Seems like a cool dude.

fondue with cheddar

@Decca WOW. That dude will have even more trouble than Kyle if potential dates Google him.

Decca

@fondue with cheddar Oh, cripes. According to his blog, Dr. Ketchum claims that a Bigfoot raped her.

fondue with cheddar

@Decca HE'S JUST JEALOUS

Megasus

@Decca oh my god I hate that guy so much

Interrobanged

Ok, so this is barely related, but remember that post a couple weeks ago about how in Canada it's illegal to pretend to practice witchcraft? Turns out they still prosecute it! http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/toronto/mississauga-ont-man-charged-with-pretending-to-practice-witchcraft/article5734775/

fondue with cheddar

If there is a Bigfoot I really hope he's like The Abominable Charles Christopher.

fondue with cheddar

@fondue with cheddar Damn, my editability expired just as I was about to change the link to the first comic because it actually has Charles Christopher in it.

Decca

I just watched the Patterson-Gimlin film on Youtube, and what struck me most was how comedic it looks. Bigfoot looks like he's exhaustedly trudging home from work.

meetapossum

Where is Cat Named Virtute? I'm going to offer a gratuitous mention of the Weakerthans and their song "Bigfoot!" It's about a guy who sees Bigfoot, but no one believes him.

meetapossum

This is also an appropriate time to change my photo to Bumble.

muddgirl

I wonder if Kyle still believes in Bigfoot? The article was written in 2001 and has a delightful twist which reveals that his current belief in Bigfoot seems to deal him more embarrasment than his past involvment in Bigfoot research.

PatatasBravas

Okay but I half-jokingly told her to do a Web search on my name and find out for herself all the weird stuff with which I had once been affiliated.

If someone returned my message with "GOOGLE ME AND YOU'LL GET SOME WEIRDNESS, LADY! hahaha nervous chuckle" then I would almost certainly not follow up on that.

JIMMY

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