Wednesday, November 21, 2012


Are You in the Running to Become America's Next Top Dinner Guest?

If invitations to decadent holiday parties have been slower to arrive this year, you may not have what it takes to be America’s Next Top Dinner Guest; take this quiz to find out.

1.  When it comes to bringing something to the dinner party, you decide on...

a.  A  nice bottle of red wine.
b. Yo-Yo Ma to play music throughout the evening.
c.  A group of crust-punk runaways you met outside of a 7-Eleven. They're excited to use the shower!

2.  You decide that the best time to arrive at dinner is...

a.  Around the time the host suggested.
b.  Months in advance to install your corn husk fantasy tablescape.
c.  Three weeks later, drunk and high, asking to borrow clean urine.

3. When you enter the house, the host says to put your coat in her bedroom, so you...

a. Nicely lay your coat on her bed alongside the others.
b. Hand-pick all the lint off of her “work slacks” and turn her sheets into an elaborate origami crane.
c. Take all her birth control pills "just in case."

4.  When other people start getting up to offer to clear the table, you...

a.  Jump in and start helping.
b. Insist that everyone else relax while you steam-clean the carpet, re-grout the master bathroom, and install a garbage disposal.
c.  Lie on the couch with your shoes on and ask if they have Skinemax. 

5. You’re sitting next to someone you've never met before, so you to turn to them and say...

a. “How do you know the host?”
b.  “You have the most exquisite eyes,” in French.
c.  “I don’t believe in religion after what happened to me.”

6. When it comes time to go around the table and say what you are thankful for, you...

a.  Say, “I’m thankful for having such great friends who put on such an amazing dinner.”
b.  Do a dazzling magic trick in which you turn a piece of ham into a solid gold brick.
c.  Are on the phone to your grandmother, repeatedly yelling, “You will never work in this town again!”

7. When the party runs out of booze, you...

a.  Offer to go pick some up.
b.  Start crushing grapes to make more wine.
c.  Take out your stash of “emergency Zima” from the ziploc bag in your purse and pound it in the bathroom.

8. When you bite into the turkey and realize it hasn’t been cooked all the way through, you...

a.  Politely chew and swallow the piece, and then sneak the rest into your napkin.
b. Compliment the chef on her incredible recipe and then immediately secure her a cookbook deal.
c.  Spit it out on the host’s plate, eyebrows raised at full capacity.

9. What do you take home with you from Thanksgiving dinner?

a.  A container of leftover turkey and stuffing that the host insisted you take.
b.  The hottest, youngest person there.
c.  An urn full of ashes.

10. After you use the bathroom and realize that the toilet won’t flush, you...

a. Discreetly let the host know.
b. Put your hair in a ponytail, reach your entire arm in there, and fix it with your bare hands.
c. Set the entire apartment on fire and jump out the back window.


Answer Key

If most of your answers were...

A’s -  ThisClose

A couple of years ago, you would definitely be invited to a Thanksgiving dinner party. You are sweet, thoughtful, and utterly polite. Unfortunately, that doesn’t cut the mustard anymore. Better luck next time.

B’s – Invitation’s in the Mail

What up, perfect? How does it feel to be the smoothest pat of butter in the diner? You are without a doubt America’s Next Top Dinner Guest. Our only advice for you is to stop being so fierce because you’re making the rest of us look bad.

C’s – Bench Warmer

We're sure you're great at lots of things, like feeding strays and quietly staring out windows, but interacting with other people is not your forte. Don't call us, we'll call you.

Rose Surnow is a writer in New York; you can follow her @rosesurnow. Alison Leiby is a writer and co-founder of Heavy Browsing; you can follow her @alisonleiby.

123 Comments / Post A Comment


Any Zima is emergency Zima.

fondue with cheddar

@Emby Do they actually still make that stuff? Because back then it filled a niche, but now that niche is overflowing with much better-tasting alternatives.

Living My Best Life Far Away from the Hairpin!

@fondue with cheddar They don't! I remember that they stopped making it a couple of years ago and everyone was like, "Oh dip, they were still making that '90s punchline?"

fondue with cheddar

@Katzen-party A couple years ago was not soon enough.

the angry little raincloud

@Emby Because I will never miss an opportunity to randomly quote Buffy, and the random references to Zima made me very happy, from Storyteller, season 7:

Robin: Tell us about the seal.
Andrew: But it tickles, and I'm all tense. Can't I have a cool, refreshing Zima?
Buffy: No Zima.
Spike: Shut your face about the Zima. Just talk.

Molly QTK.@twitter

@Emby They still sell Zima in Japan, in fact there is currently a Special GOLD Zima that is being sold for the fall season. I know this because of emergency preparedness.

the angry little raincloud

@Molly QTK.@twitter I need to go there.

The Lady of Shalott

I tell you what, I won't eat with my mouth open so everyone can see the spin-cycle of half-chewed food whirling around my mouth and then talk, the better to spatter everyone and everything with flecks of saliva and food bits.

Does that count for anything?


@The Lady of Shalott Thanks, Eric.


If I were a contestant on ANTDG, I'd take a leaf out of Monique Cycle 7's book and pour water all over the best chair, then claim to have peed on it. A surefire win!


So A is your garden-variety 'Pinner, B is Martha Stewart, and C is Evil Melis, right?


I thought B was Jolie.


@Dancercise me too - the toilet one did it for me.


I am, sadly, the person who would fix the toilet. It's usually so easy to fix!


@meetapossum Oh, totally. I've done it more than once...


@meetapossum I've done it on a booze cruise and a Russian restaurant.


@kdub HOW? Teach me your ways.


#7 BITCHPLZ. B. should clearly be "get servants to bring you water, turn it into wine, sit back and wait for the remarks about how most people save the crap for the dessert course when everyone's already lashed." THAT IS HOW JESUS MARTHA STEWART CHRIST ROLLS.

Living My Best Life Far Away from the Hairpin!

Thanks for this--it's hilarious (the "c" answers!) and I needed the laugh. (Not because "I don't believe in religion after what happened to me," but just because fall/winter blah and very mild holiday stress and boring work.)


Out of curiosity, what IS the correct response to #8? Shouldn't you tell someone if meat isn't fully cooked, for safety's sake?


Shoes on the couch, fie, fie!


Ugh crust-punks. Nothing ruins my mood faster than seeing them sit there under the El tracks, high as a kite, while their poor (probably starving) dog starts to put it's mouth around their lit cigarettes without them noticing. (Yes, I saw this happen). I usually don't let myself get all Judgy McJudgerson, but crust-punks...ughhhh. If someone brought them to a party of mine, I'd probably slam the door in everyone's face.


@olivebee Huh. I...did not know that was a recognized category of people? It sounds like something from Weekend Update's Stefon. "This Thanksgiving has everything: Celtic mummies in cranberry bogs, crust punks, human Plymouth Rock - it's that thing where a pile of midgets lies in a kiddie pool and everyone steps on them to get to the dinner table."


@MoxyCrimeFighter Nope, totally a real thing. You've probably even seen one in their native habitat! They look like normal punks only instead of black they wear shades of brown, they almost always have a pet, and they smell worse because they're flaky transients.


@HitchedUpKids And, most of the time, they are "homeless" by choice...mostly middle class, they just didn't like their mom telling them to do their homework so they decide to make a life of panhandling for tattoo and booze money. Overall, a very obnoxious segment of the population.


@HitchedUpKids @shantasybaby Well, gosh, that sounds just dreadful. Someone on my Twitter feed mentioned crust punks this weekend, too...are they the new hipsters? Am I going to be hearing about them everywhere I go? Will Buzzfeed have a list of the top 20 hottest crust punks?


What do you do if your answers are a curious mix of Bs & Cs?

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