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Thursday, November 1, 2012

51

A Letter to My Future Black Baby

Future Black Baby –

Hello to you and yours! I’m your future black mother, and you’re my future black bundle of joy. (Actually, I have no idea if you’ll be black. My current partner is white, and things are going swimmingly, so you might be beige. Also, maybe you won’t be so joyful. You might be a miserable mung bean of a baby). I know that neither of us exist yet, but I thought, “why wait for material cause?” Well, ha-ha, I have more material cause than you currently have, but guess what? I’ll have a lot more things because I’ll be an adult and you’ll be a baby.

We’re not even close to being a family, but it’s important that we start pretending now. The future is going to be a stressful place full of loud Regis Philbin clones, so we need all the preparation we can afford. I need all the preparation I can afford. Your welfare and Afro-centric wellness are at the top of my to-do-later-in-the-future list.

Some of your needs I can’t predict, but some of them I can. For example, your name. As much as I’ll enjoy calling you The Blackest (Beigest) Baby Alive, you’ll need a name that will impress people. Most parents in the future will waive the right to name their offspring, which means children will choose their own names. But… I don’t know, is this a risk you’re willing to incur? Because you don’t (can’t, won’t) speak English very well, and you’re not very well-read. Your pool of human names will be shallow, but my pool runs deep.

I’d really like to name you something like Baby 3000 (like André 3000, but a baby), or The Thinnest Baby, or DVD Blu-Baby, or The iBaby Touch, or AT&Baby, or The Micro Baby, or The Macro Baby, or Harriet, or Babyface, or Alive Baby, or The Realest Baby Alive, or Real Live Babies (if you’re a set of twins), or Extremist Baby, or Justin Timberbaby, or Dr. Baby, or Machine Gun Baby, or Ghost Baby. Maybe even Tyler, The Baby, or The Best Baby, or Baby Luther King, Jr., or DMXBABY. Etcetera. 

I’m more than prepared to name you, but can I be real? Okay, this is me being real: I’m not prepared to comb your hair. Honestly, there’s no telling what it’ll look like. Not only are you a black (or beige) baby, you’re a black (beige) baby from the future! This could mean a number of things. Most of them are terrible:

a)     You’re born with a sew-in, synthetic weave.

b)    Through case-based reasoning, you’ve perfected the Jheri curl.

c)     Your weave is bionic.

d)    Your Jheri curl is bionic.

All of these things could happen. None of these things could happen. A startling combination of these things (namely items b and d) could happen. Whatever happens, I promise you that my partner and I will learn how to braid your hair, even if you accidentally short circuit, and electrically burn our fingertips.

On a related note: Are you a robot? It’s okay if you are, but we need to know.

I promise to hold off on the slave narratives, but I really hope you enjoy magical realism, because it will make up the majority of your bedtime reading.

On an unrelated note: Do you know how to do the Cupid Shuffle? It’s okay if you don’t, but we need to know.

Now, assuming we time this pregnancy correctly, you shouldn’t have to worry about BET. Before you’re born, Spike Lee and Dr. Boyce Watkins will lead a media coup that will unseat BET founder and autocrat Robert L. Johnson. In the following year, Lee and Watkins will launch a network recovery program titled “Black to Basics: A Return to Healthy Black Programming.” Tyler Perry will undergo gender reassignment surgery, and he will emerge as their first success story (don’t ask me how I know this, just accept that I know this).

Future Baby, I hope you know that I will love you. I will support your artistic hustle, I will encourage your academic grind, I will protect your culture, and I will breastfeed you to the best of my ability.

I promise, you will survive in America.

– Your Future Black Mother

Eudora Peterson is a comedian without child.



51 Comments / Post A Comment

thiscallsforsoap

Beigeby.

Lyssachelle

@thiscallsforsoap With a white mom and a black dad, I have been called everything in the book, but have never been called a beigeby.
I LOVE IT AND YOU. (And Eudora.)

mattewmc

it is actually very brilliant@t

olivia

HAHAHAHAHAHA. That is all.

stonefruit

"You might be a miserable mung bean of a baby."

I repeat, "a miserable mung bean of a baby."

so beautiful.

professionalmess

@stonefruit I had to disguise an out loud laugh in class at that.

Reginal T. Squirge

I really should never have kids because I would last about 4 minutes in the delivery room before that phrase slips out.

stonefruit

seriously Eudora Peterson, you are a gem. This whole article was perfection.

melis

PLEASE CONSIDER NAMING YOUR BABY "BABY FISH MOUTH"

melis

"In the following year, Lee and Watkins will launch a network recovery program titled “Black to Basics: A Return to Healthy Black Programming.” Tyler Perry will undergo gender reassignment surgery, and he will emerge as their first success story (don’t ask me how I know this, just accept that I know this)."

Oh, you are resplendently and magnificently funny and I think this was great, just great.

wee_ramekin

@melis BLACK TO BASICS.

wee_ramekin

@wee_ramekin BLACK TO THE FUTURE.

wee_ramekin

@wee_ramekin BLACKDRAFT

RK Fire

"Before you’re born, Spike Lee and Dr. Boyce Watkins will lead a media coup that will unseat BET founder and autocrat Robert L. Johnson. In the following year, Lee and Watkins will launch a network recovery program titled 'Black to Basics: A Return to Healthy Black Programming.'"

SO IT WAS WRITTEN, SO SHALL IT BE DONE

Edit: Upon re-reading this, I can't decide if I like that part more or the thought of a bionic Jheri curl, which amuses and terrifies me.

Reginal T. Squirge

Pretty sure that if your baby has a bionic Jheri curl, you have to name it "Boogaloo Shrimp".

Daisy Razor

My sister's beige-baby-to-be is getting called Baby 3000 from now until he's born. Or maybe Justin Timberbaby. Or maybe all the names, because they are all brilliant.

EpWs

@Daisy Razor Beigeby-2-B?

Lily Rowan

I'm so, so, sorry, but even Future Babies will not know how to do the Cupid shuffle. Due to being babies These are things you have to teach the next generation.

beeline96

Wonderful!!!!!!

Fear Biter

Eudoraaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!! Would you like to be my friend??
It's ok if you don't, but I need to know.

dracula's ghost

Baby Luther King Jr.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Poubelle

This is amazing and I love it.

(I notice that this is Eudora Peterson's first post--I hope it's the first of many!)

stonefruit

@Poubelle heartily seconded!

lagreen

@Poubelle and thirded!

Danzig!

So excellent

amanda.@twitter

"You might be a miserable mung bean of a baby."

The. Best.

Miss Maszkerádi

@amanda.@twitter what actually IS a mung bean?

elbows on the table

@amanda.@twitter http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mung_bean

martinipie

I am sniggling (snort-giggling) all over the place because of this. Thanks, Eudora, for brightening a blah day after a nasty cold ruined Halloween!

PatatasBravas

The mung beans, the Cupid Shuffle, and the penultimate paragraph are beautiful. Write more, Eudora, please!

yourpretendfriend

Magic realism babyyyyyy. Love this.

lagreen

@yourpretendfriend I agree! Have you (any of you) read "Little, Big?" It is the best magical realism EVAR.

iceberg

Ahh this was great! Also consider ODB (Ol' Dirty Baby). Or Mike Jones (you already know his name).

beanie

@iceberg I nicknamed my uncle ODU (Ol' Dirty Uncle) after he was outed as the creep that he is. Upon reflection this is not as funny as I thought, but kinda gross. :/

Filthyknitter

@beanie - I laughed out loud at that, but then felt kind of guilty - sorry

@eudora peterson - I LOVED this, but will have to google "jheri curl"

nonvolleyball

@iceberg or Big Baby Jesus Baby!

whateverlolawants

@iceberg ODB may be my favorite of all these choices, but it's hard to say.

cutselvage

This was awesome. BABY 3000.

iceberg

@cutselvage just don't shake him like a polaroid picture

(sorry)

wee_ramekin

Speaking of black comedians, who else is watching Key & Peele? Their "Obama & His Anger Translator" skits are hilarious. Please watch them immediately if not sooner.

cherrispryte

@wee_ramekin Key & Peele are AMAZING.

SarcasticFringehead

@wee_ramekin They are one of my most favorite things on TV right now. The civil war reenactment sketch I think is my favorite.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@wee_ramekin I love love Key & Peele but have missed quite a few eps. BUT I saw them do a live show this summer and they wrote this song that I seriously hope makes it on the show eventually, because it is at the very least, as funny as Obama's anger translator. (Without spoiling anything, it is about racial diversity and would probably very much please Baby 3000.)

Myrtle

I found myself sad and flinching while reading this.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

Why does Tyler Perry get gender reassignment surgery? This confused me, so I tried to come up with some theories:

- She'd be a good role model or something, and I guess Lady Tyler Perry could have her own TV channel that would have more success than OWN did?
- He wouldn't have to be in drag anymore?
- If this new Alex Cross movie was popular (because I have no idea, like, at all), Lady Tyler Perry couldn't play the role in a sequel, unless they rewrite Alex Cross and make him female (which would probably be pretty awesome, actually) or they right this casting wrong and call up Chiwetel Ejiofor, which they should have done in the first place.
-Lady Tyler Perry might be funnier than Man Tyler Perry?

Explanations are welcome.

Veronica Mars is smarter than me

@Rookie Tyra Perry. That is all.

Rookie (not the magazine) (not that there's anything wrong with that)

@Veronica Mars is smarter than me This makes so much sense!

ennaenirehtac

"The future is going to be a stressful place full of loud Regis Philbin clones, so we need all the preparation we can afford."

The rest of the article was hilarious, but this sentence was just sad and frightening, because it is probably true. The future is grim.

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