Thursday, November 29, 2012


Eight Additional Signs You're Dating a Keeper

(Apart from these.)

1. He has a large ring of keys hanging off his work belt.
2. He reflexively double-checks that he's locked the door to the garage, the front yard, the backyard, and the bathroom.
3. She has a really great farmer's tan and sort of a dirty-blonde ponytail sticking out of a plain, blue baseball cap.
4. He has a snake draped over his shoulders and lets you pet it, carefully.
5. She has brought pinkeye home on four or five occasions.
6. If you give him a quarter, he gives you a little paper bag of food pellets.
7. He thinks the Brian Fellow skits are funny, but not "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective."
8. Her apartment is a disaster.

33 Comments / Post A Comment

Jolie Kerr

#8 explains so much about my love life :/


@Jolie Kerr and nothing about mine. How have I ever been single?


....ehh..... oohh......@y


4. He has a snake draped over his shoulders and lets you pet it, carefully.

Swap that pronoun to a she and it has been me on many occasions!

i'm a keeper i'm a keeper i'm a keeper!


In the most literal, non-sexual way, I want to pet your snake carefully! What kind is it?


Ball pythons, my cuddlers! Also have loved a California king snake before, and for whatever reason corn snakes and I don't get on as well?


I've heard liking showtunes is a good thing.


Keepers in love

Two keepers embrace.


9. He doesn't let people shout at you or put their fingers through the bars of your cage.


"21. If they’re straight, they don’t say f*g, and if they’re white, they don’t say the n-word. (Any keeper needs basic home training.)"

I am perplexed by the "basic home training" caveat. Does that mean they can still be a keeper if you train them out of saying those words?

I want to make either a trapper-keeper joke or a keeper-the-menstrual-cup joke but I am too lazy to actually come up with one.


@mabellegueule I feel like they meant "any keeper needs to have had basic home training"


@mabellegueule And no one, EVER, says r*tard or any variant thereof.


It took me a solid 5 minutes to get this.

Sloooowwww day.


@Hammitt It's okay. I didn't get it until I saw your post & decided to look back & actually find the joke instead of just going "bahaha, ridiculousness!"


@fabel I still don't get it :(


@Hammitt It took me a solid 5 minutes of blank-thought-catalog-induced-rage to clear my head again and get it.

God, I hate that stupid website and all it stands for. I try so hard to not let myself click on links to it.


@alexandra The photo is what gave it away for me (because that is such a great children's book). Zookeeper.


@olivebee oh ok-- I thought it was that, but the pinkeye and Brian Fellow threw me off.

Daisy Razor

@itiresias Is it run/written by twelve-year-olds and/or people who've never left their houses? Because that's the impression I get whenever I have the misfortune of stumbling across an article there.


@Daisy Razor There's definite idiocy there, that's for sure. I gave up when I saw a "best fictional boyfriends" post that included the JGL character from 500 Days of Summer. Way to totally not understand the point of that movie!


@alexandra I have a friend who works as a vet tech who gets pinkeye ALL THE TIME, because animals are gross. and poop.


@Daisy Razor Perhaps you haven't had the misfortune of reading my articles, but for the record I'm almost 13 AND I've been out of my house on several occasions. One time I even saw a cloud IRL!


9. He never lets the quaffle through the three goal hoops.


@lizardjellybean hey girl heyyyy


Big ups to Goodnight Gorilla, thanks to my two year old I can recite that shit from memory. (it helps that it's pretty short)


@KJZ Such an amazing book! The kids I used to nanny for always pointed out things I didn't notice, like how each coloured cage has a matching key, and the balloon gets higher and higher in the sky before it disappears.

Heat Signature

Signs that you're dating a Trapper Keeper: 1. He or she has laser patterns, unicorns and rainbows, or Transformers on the cover. 2. He or she contains both loose leaf papers AND a pencil case. 3. Two words: Velcro closure

fondue with cheddar

@Heat Signature Do you break up with them when their corners crack or do you still love them, even though they scratch up your arms?


My friend is a zoo keeper and once gave me a painting that was penguin foot prints. I don't hate her at all.


numbers 1, 3: sorta classist?

Valley Girl

@neonflowers Why...why would it be classist to note that a zookeeper probably has a lot of keys or a sweet farmer tan? Even if you missed the zoo joke, how would you get classism out of that?


"7. He thinks the Brian Fellow skits are funny, but not "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective."

I knew I should have been a zookeeper.


To mitigate this problem, the Google Chromium team set to work and developed a new networking protocol for the web, which would reduce latency and speed up page loading. -Peter F. Spittler

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