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Three Men in a Fortress

As the world reels from the sudden resignations of Citi’s Vikram Pandit and John Havens, as well as Ontario’s Dalton McGuinty, a shadowy cabal of figures climbs the rocky steps to a solitary lair.

“Were you followed?” Havens asked McGuinty.

“No,” McGuinty said. “No one outside of Ontario really noticed I was missing. You neither, huh? Looks like all the headlines are about Vikram.”

“I wouldn’t say that,” Havens replied, stiffly.

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay. Did you get the documents?”

“Yeah! It was great, it was totally like ‘Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy,’ especially since everyone at headquarters is exceptionally white and similar-looking and doesn’t have name-tags and wears dark blue or navy variations on the same suit.”

“Mm.”

“So, what’s the plan?”

“Haven’t you been paying attention?”

“With all my heart, but, again, MUCH LIKE ‘Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy,’ that doesn’t necessarily translate into understanding, unless you’re simultaneously reading the Wikipedia plot summary. Who was Karla, anyway? Man? Woman? A Soviet acronym for a counter-intelligence unit?”

“Karla was a man. We have all quit our jobs in anticipation of Canada drastically increasing her arable acreage due to global warming. We have purchased massive tracts of land north of the 49th parallel, and we’re going to sit on it. You have provided us with information on secret long-term forecasts, we have the capital.”

“That’s a pretty good plan.”

“It is.”

“Can I…can I ask one more question?”

“Is is about the plan, or is it about ‘Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy’? Wait, did you JUST watch it? I thought you said you’d watched it a year ago.”

“I lied. I wanted to fit in. I assumed I would like it because of Benedict Cumberbatch.”

“And?”

“I liked it because of Benedict Cumberbatch, and I am 94% certain the good guys won.”

“Dalton?”

“Yes?”

“We can take it from here.”

“Oh.”

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