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Wednesday, October 24, 2012

205

The Meatballs Do Help,Though

Television presenter blames Ikea for mediocre sex, has interesting ideas about the aesthetics of better sex:

“How could anyone enjoy having sex in an Ikea bedroom?,” he asks. “I find Ikea’s attitude deeply unsexy.

"For a start, it’s all flat-pack – it’s going to rattle. It’s just all about cleanness and drinking black tea and rubbing yourself in snow and hitting yourself with birchwood. That’s not what grown-up sex is like.

"Grown-up sex should be opera, it should be drama, it should be black velvet and silk, and it should be indulgent and opulent, regardless of how much it costs.”

Is that the kind of sex you want all the tiiiime, though? Don't people sometimes just want to get 'er done before "Homeland," or whatever? Or giggle uncontrollably when sex occurs in proximity to black velvet or silk? Like, where is my Cornish game hen and flagon of mead?

Moreover, "grown-up" is not really the sexiest modifier for "The Kind of Sex You Are Having."

Tags:

sex, ikea, theories



205 Comments / Post A Comment

christonacracker

I agree though that ikea sex would be utilitarian, squeaky, and any sort of rough-housing would rub any appealing veneer right off. Yet there's plenty of people still clammering on craigslist for it, so, eh?

Julia duMais

It’s just all about cleanness and drinking black tea and rubbing yourself in snow and hitting yourself with birchwood.

Kinky.

astrangerinthealps

Clearly this guy has never been to the bedding section of IKEA or he would have seen the massive downy pillows (snerk) and comforters there.

Personally, I favor a bed of pine needles. Blanket optional.

fondue with cheddar

@Fflora Don't forget the RENS!

astrangerinthealps

@fondue with cheddar I thought the well-prepared gentleman always killed and brought his own bearskin. But I know times are changing. What's next, bringing my own wallet on dates?

fondue with cheddar

@Fflora Wait...why would you need a wallet? It's not like you can fit your lipstick in there.

Princess Gigglyfart

HA! 'Grownup Sex' sounds pretty boring.... You can have great messy sex all over a clean lined ikea bedroom.

Ever do it one one of those metal framed futons? Squeak city.

swirrlygrrl

@Princess Gigglyfart Old-fashioned brass bed - no much squeaking! I did once break a wood framed futon during a particularly steamy makeout session - was horrified, as was poor, and also a bit proud of myself.

slutberry

@Princess Gigglyfart Oh man, did it on an old wood framed futon couch a couple of days ago (second hand, don't know if it's Ikea). Afterwards, Gentleman said, "So... we should not do this in the living room late at night."

Our walls are very thin and neighbours.

iceberg

Eh, still better than in the car.

stuffisthings

@iceberg Even a Volvo?

fondue with cheddar

@iceberg I have a station wagon.

Beatrix Kiddo

I'm all for grown-up sex, but I don't want to have to ask Jolie how to clean velvet after the fact.

fondue with cheddar

@Beatrix Kiddo Velvet gets crusty and gross, and you would have to clean it every time you had sex. NOT WORTH IT

Beatrix Kiddo

@fondue with cheddar I ONLY DO IT ON MACHINE-WASHABLE FABRICS.

fondue with cheddar

@Beatrix Kiddo That's why I have so many blankets on the sofa, even in the summer.

Megasus

@Beatrix Kiddo I feel like silk wouldn't be much better either

fondue with cheddar

@Megano! Satin is great, though. I bought these satin sheets and you can basically wipe them dry when the fun is over. No wet spots! The only problem is that they get pilly if you've got rough feet.

oh! valencia

@fondue with cheddar Great excuse for a pedicure!

fondue with cheddar

@oh! valencia Indeed! Oh, the other problem is that they're so slippery that the pillows slide off the bed every time we have sex. But they feel FANTASTIC on bare skin.

Pyxis

@Beatrix Kiddo I have never been able to keep satin sheets on the mattress. Even if all I am doing is sleeping, when I wake up all the corners have come off.

fondue with cheddar

@Pyxis Use those clippy things!

Megasus

@Pyxis Hahah I can't do it with COTTON sheets so clearly satin is not for me

itiresias

@fondue with cheddar damn it, i wanted to post (what i thought was?) that friends clip where (ross?) has satin sheets and satin pajamas, and he jumps on the bed and slides off it, but it's not on youtube or google and my roommates haven't heard of it and i guess my reference was wrong.

Bgwee

@itiresias I think it was Boy Meets World

Bgwee

@itiresias https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=msuHu_eh900 ?!?!

fondue with cheddar

@Bgwee Wow, dude seems like kind of a jerk. Or is it just because it's taken out of context?

itiresias

@Bgwee THANK YOU. you are good.

@fondue with cheddar haha no, it was a great show for children that grew up into a terrible show for young adults with miserable characters you hated and unfunny humor. i think i couldn't place the show because it's not remotely on my mental radar for things worth talking about anymore.

nowwhat

Does anyone know how to de-squeakify a futon frame?
Asking for a friend...

Judith Slutler

@nowwhat Try figuring out what part is squeaky and using some bicycle chain oil (if it is metal) or candle wax (if it is wood) to stop the squeaking.

gigglefest

@nowwhat I once upon a time had a squeaky futon, and found out that a single bolt had become loose and so the whole thing was squeaking. But I had no proper wrench and so proceeded to "tighten" it (weakly) by hand between, uh, sessions. For a few months.

Instead of buying a wrench, I bought a new bed.

slutberry

@fondue with cheddar I can,t BELIEVE i have not yet seen that movie

fondue with cheddar

@slutberry SEEEE IIIIIT. I HAVE IT ON DVD COME TO MY HOUSE. Seriously, it's so dark and quirky and good. And French!

slutberry

@fondue with cheddar Furthermore unrelated, do I not have a userpic?

I tried to change my userpic and it died.

fondue with cheddar

@slutberry I noticed that! I had some weirdness when I changed mine, like it wouldn't show up right away. But it did show the old one in the meantime. What format did you use, and was it a big file?

slutberry

@fondue with cheddar it might be a big file? I just uploaded it from my computer. Cropped it first. I have no idea how to make the file smaller.

fondue with cheddar

@slutberry I have no idea how to do it if you don't have Photoshop.

Ellie

- I was once making out with this frat guy at a frat party and he had the same IKEA loft bed I currently had in the sublet I lived in. I think my knowledge of exactly how rickety and noisy the bedframe was contributed to my decision to leave and not "seal the deal."

- What's with guys having dark colored (or black) sheets? I find it creepy. I have always only had white sheets or very light-patterned sheets - is this a girl thing? Or am I the weird one?

swirrlygrrl

@Ellie Dark sheets don't show dirt. They do show secretions, though, which dudes apparently don't think about when they are buying sheets.

fondue with cheddar

@swirrlygrrl THIS. My boyfriend's son went off to college this year, and I told him to make sure he buys light-colored sheets.

paddlepickle

@Ellie Oh man, I had one of those Ikea loft beds for a year and it made sex SO annoying. My boyfriend at the time eventually insisted we just take the mattress down and sleep on the floor despite there being basically no room in there because we were tired of making tons of noise and bumping our heads.

And the sheets! You're right! Basically every boy I've ever slept with has dark sheets and a dark comforter and either a cheap wire frame or it's on the floor. Get creative, boys! Because it makes it hard to remember which of you is which!

schrodingers_cat

@Ellie I have dark sheets and a dark-ish duvet cover, but mostly that's because I like dark colors.

anachronistique

@schrodingers_cat Yeah, that's why my sheets are purple, dark blue, and gray.

fondue with cheddar

@schrodingers_cat It's okay if you aren't an 18-year-old college boy who rarely does laundry.

schrodingers_cat

@fondue with cheddar no, I'm just a 22-year-old college girl who has multiple sets of sheets so I don't have to routinely use all my quarters up on washing bedding.

Old Katrina

@paddlepickle My fiance has bright yellow sheets and a red, tan and hunter green plaid comforter and I remember the first time I saw his bed I was like, "Whaaaat... is going on here?" but the sheets are oh so comfortable (1200 thread count Egyptian cotton) and fun to look at. Even if it all looks silly together. Very glad they're not the navy blue or hunter green Walmart flannel sheets like all the boys of yore.

slutberry

@Ellie we have black sheets and they actually don't show secretions nearly as much as I expected! Once they've dried, that is.

fondue with cheddar

@schrodingers_cat Smart. I only had two sets when I was in college and that was not enough.

Judith Slutler

@fondue with cheddar I currently only have two sets, and no dryer, and it is so fucking dumb that I am going to spend Christmas money on bedding.

fondue with cheddar

@Emmanuelle Cunt I used to have a lot of sheets, but now I only have two sets because I just bought a queen-sized bed. I don't have a dryer OR a washer. Leaving your home with a fistful of quarters to do laundry sucks.

Do you mean money you received as a gift last Christmas, or money you were planning to spend on gifts? Because either way that's no fun at all.

schrodingers_cat

@fondue with cheddar I was down to one set this summer after my others wore out and the bottom sheets ripped down the centers, so I threw myself on the mercy of my mother and she took pity on my situation and took me to Ikea.

fondue with cheddar

@schrodingers_cat Yay moms!

up cubed

@Ellie I got the fanciest cheap sheets from Goodwill in a nice neighborhood, just wash well.

planforamiracle

@Ellie I enjoy judging the men I've been involved with, on their bedding. The first time I visited the bedroom of my boyfriend (which MIGHT'VE been on our first date, but I'm no hussy) I was touched/impressed/bewildered by his pink, purple, and white quilted coverlet (floral on one side, striped on the other). I love it, and hope that he chose it himself.

Reginal T. Squirge

I have white sheets; mostly because I drool like crazy. Seriously, the sound of me waking up is usually a big slurp.

fondue with cheddar

@Reginal T. Squirge Haha. I used to do that all the time! I don't know what changed.

There's nothing like waking up with your face on a damp pillow.

baked bean

@Old Katrina LOL My bf had the green plaid flannel sheets on his bed before his parents gave him their old guest bed.

The comforter on the old guest bed that he inherited with the bed? 90s watercolor brush strokes in purple, turquoise, and red on a black background. He has a king-size pillow, but he never had a king size pillowcase so the end of the pillow always hung out. So I found one at my parents' house that was bright yellow, and none of them have a king-size pillow so I stole it. It really clashes with the 90s comforter, but whatever, it's ugly already.

He gets mad at me for sometimes leaking period blood on his white sheets and staining them. I tell him that's why I don't buy white sheets. Period blood is out of control!

fondue with cheddar

@baked bean My period blood is out of control, too! WE CAN'T HELP IT. That's another reason the satin sheets I linked to somewhere on this page were fantastic.

My boyfriend always buys white sheets. Now I make sure I buy the sheets.

Old Katrina

@baked bean @fondue with cheddar Do you guys use pads/tampons? Use a Diva Cup! (Or if it's like the first day and really heavy use a Diva Cup/pad to bed/work if you work long hours just in case). I never have any leaking. It's completely wonderful. Well, full discloser, I got off birth control (I started getting horrible migraines 3 months in... and 3 months later I still have them? I have a neurologist appt, don't worry) and my first period after that was really heavy and I leaked a little but that was the first time in like 4 years. And here I am now going into detail about my period and health issues on the internet with strangers. But anyway, Diva Cup. Trust me. You will read reviews that say, "I completely forget I'm on my period," and think to yourself, "Bullshit." but it's true.

baked bean

@Old Katrina I use OB tampons, but I don't sleep in them because I always sleep 8 hrs and you're only supposed to leave tampons in for 6, says tampon packages. But, all my friends are like, "Naw man you'll be fine," but I watched a thing on TLC in middle school about Toxic Shock Syndrome and it freaked the hell outta me. I usually wear a pad to bed, and then have leakage issues out the back.

But, now that I'm on my new BC my periods are very light so then we have sexytimes anyway and sometimes little smears from his fingers get in the sheets. More TMI than you ever wanted, probably.

baked bean

@Old Katrina Also, was hesitant to put down money on a diva cup before because I was afraid it'd be too big, or that I'd not know how to deal with it in public, but I'm reading their FAQ now and it sounds great.
BUT, I also have super light periods now on this pill (usually only every other period has one or two days that need a tampon, mostly all I need are panty liners).
As I understand though, it's ok to have it in there in anticipation of the period, that since it doesn't absorb anything, you don't have to worry about it like you do tampons?
I'm super tempted.
Also, I found a picture of one in someone's hand and it looks smaller than I imagined.

fondue with cheddar

@Old Katrina Yeah, I've heard lots of good things about the Diva Cup, but I just haven't gotten around to buying one yet. My periods are really heavy so I'm the perfect candidate for it. I'm totally sold! Just forgetful.

I use OB too, and they're totally the best tampon. I do leave them in more than 8 hours sometimes even though you're not supposed to, because as I said above I'm forgetful. But I don't sleep in them. I always wear a pad to bed, though my leakage is usually in the front.

Old Katrina

@fondue with cheddar @baked bean I had a friend who pushed me into it (funnily enough, male, actually... one of his old roommates used it) and I've never looked back. My sister has started using it from my recommendation and she now swears by it and tells all her friends. It's really not scary big and yeah, I do sometimes put it in in the morning when I think I'm going to start and then if that night I take it out and I haven't started, oh well. But I literally just worry about it twice a day - when I take it out in the morning, and when I take it out right before bed. Other than that, I don't think about my period at all and I just leave the thing in its bag in my purse so I always have it on me in case I surprise start.

I'm pretty sure I saw the same TLC TSS thing because I've always been TERRIFIED of it, which is what put me over the edge with the Diva Cup... One time I got really drunk and my friends were trying to put me to bed and I couldn't put myself into my pjs and they were dressing me because they're good people. So they finally got me to lay down and I shot up in bed and said, "No! I have to take out my tampon!" and they said, "No, just go to sleep." And I started yelling at the top of my lungs, "I'M GOING TO GET TSS. AND I'M GOING TO DIE. AND IT WILL BE YOUR FAULT."

Anyway, no risk of TSS with the Diva Cup. It's awesome. And it seems like a lot of money down at once, but when you price it out compared to tampons, I'm pretty sure it's the same price for one year of tampons and you can use it for like 5 years (or for as long as it holds up... my dog chewed my last one that I had for 2 years. Gross, I know).

ejcsanfran

Bedroom? But my computer is in the living room. Other than that, just need a chair and some tissues...

Lisa Frank

Operatic sex sounds exhausting...like putting together an Ikea bookshelf exhausting.

parallel-lines

@Lisa Frank This grown-ass married lady wants to know where people find the time?!

Pyxis

@Lisa Frank The opera is cool too, but sometimes I just want my J-pop. Is that really so bad?

Leanne

He kind of looks like he would wear a lot of black velvet and silk.

fondue with cheddar

@Leanne He should be wearing a pirate shirt and a large, jeweled ring.

E
E

@Leanne I googled him. Fabio hair, red velvet blazer, white, unbuttoned shirt. He is an opera his ownself.

fondue with cheddar

@E Yikes. I'll bet he demands all his women wear gauzy, flowing robes and flowers in their hair. Some men ask for a bj as foreplay; he merely wants them to cling to his chest, looking dreamily up at him.

E
E

@fondue with cheddar

Sing once again with me our strange duet

My power over you grows stronger yet

And though you turn from me to glance behind

The Phantom of the Opera is there inside your mind

E
E

@E mind(vagina)

Leanne

@E He reminds me of that guy Mystery from a show I cannot believe I watched on MTV called the Pick Up Artist.

stuffisthings

@Leanne Now THAT guy is ready for some grown-up sex.

fondue with cheddar

@Leanne UGH, THAT GUY

I would sooner bang Gary Bussey.

par_parenthese

@Leanne Ew. He makes me want to convert to Catholicism just so I can become a nun. I seriously just got a little nauseous, and a little "OK NEXT MAN WHO TRIES TO TOUCH ME GETS NUTTED."

stuffisthings

@Leanne I can't decide which detail I like best... I'm leaning towards either the lipstick tattoo (?) or the binoculars...

slutberry

@fondue with cheddar OKAY slightly off topic: Gentleman and I talked about being the cover of a romance novel for Halloween, because he has flowing wild hair and a kilt, and I have a giant rack and also corsets. Yay/nay?

fondue with cheddar

@slutberry DOOO IIIIIT.

Lily Rowan

@slutberry YAY!

Judith Slutler

@slutberry That is the best Halloween idea I've heard in a long time! Just think of the poses you could do to explain your costume!

Bonus points for a poster with a ridiculous title on it, that you can hold in front of yourselves.

slutberry

@Emmanuelle Cunt POSTER. You're brilliant.

Now we need a party to go to.

BoozinSusan

@Leanne I...uh...tiny binoculars? Why tiny binoculars?

fondue with cheddar

@BoozinSusan THEY'RE OPERA GLASSES GET IT

par_parenthese

@BoozinSusan So he can blatantly check out other girls while he's flirting with/negging the girl he's standing creepily close to. *vom*

BoozinSusan

@fondue with cheddar Oh man, I'm so uncultured. But @par_parenthese, wouldn't that be kind of hilarious if a guy took out opera glasses while trying to flirt with you at a party? "Just give me oooone second, there's quite a nice specimen walking by...hubba hubba...okay, what were you saying?"

Leanne

@BoozinSusan This guy is so completely ridiculous I don't even know where to start. I am just as ridiculous for viewing his dumb show. One of my favorite parts about this program was that the prize money was, like, $1000. MTV wouldn't pony up a legit cash incentive to participate in the lifelong (the internet never forgets!) humiliation of competing on the Pick Up Artist.

par_parenthese

@BoozinSusan I dunno, that made me giggle... I would almost high-five him for being committed enough to bring a prop for his joke? But he's probably not going to get his nethers anywhere near any part of me just the same.

lil.orphan.shannie

@Leanne: omg, this show. I watched the hell out of this show. But in an embarrassed, I'm probably losing brain cells by the second, kind of way. I was mostly interested because they filmed in Phoenix. Every time they showed them at a bar I looked for myself.

lil.orphan.shannie

@Leanne: omg, this show. I watched the hell out of this show. But in an embarrassed, I'm probably losing brain cells by the second, kind of way. I was mostly interested because they filmed in Phoenix. Every time they showed them at a bar I looked for myself.

evil melis

BLACK VELVET

evil melis

AND A LITTLE BOY SMILE

evil melis

WITH THAT SLOW SOUTHERN STYLE

evil melis

A NEW RELIGION THAT'LL BRING YOU TO YOUR NEWS

evil melis

i fucking hate every one of you that i had to be the first one to bring this up

evil melis

BLACK VELVET IF YOU PLEASE

fondue with cheddar

@evil melis That video was the first time I ever questioned my sexuality.

Barracuda

@evil melis

"...BRING YOU TO YOUR NEWS"

Emmm...... news? Is it not "knees"?

P.S. Please do not thrash me, evil melis. O.O ....... I will happily accept more lyric floggings.

evil melis

@Barracuda I was so angry I could not type properly. You have made it worse. I have now bitten off one of my own knuckles in rage.

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

@Barracuda I sort of like the idea of a new religion bringing you to your news. "You love him so much for his smile and whatnot? Well, here's your newspaper."

Barracuda

@evil melis

I can help!! I am an x-ray technologist. Let's take a photo of that bloody, bit knuckle!!!!!

Barracuda

@I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

Thanks for the newspaper!! Pass the biscuits and donation tray, please!! Thank you!!!

stuffisthings

Nothing like having your sexytimes cut short because you can't find the right size Allen wrench, it's true.

thisisunclear

@stuffisthings or the right size bolt you still can't find from taking apart and moving your ikea bedframe and putting it back together...not that I have that problem or anything.

aphrabean

I clicked that article, saw the author's pose, and thought, "I would not have any kind of sex with that man, ever." So. . . there's that.

redheaded&crazy

@aphrabean Pfft speak for yourself. Flared shirt cuffs do it for me every gd time!

(or whatever the heck you call those)

Barracuda

@aphrabean

I think he's trying to pull off an Oscar Wilde stance and clothing imitation.

aphrabean

@redheaded&crazie I appreciate you.

Mingus_Thurber

@aphrabean All I could think of was how badly 1977 wants its hair back.

kellyography

This is kind of bullshit. I have had sex on several Ikea beds, and they're all much less noisy than my stupid innerspring/box spring/frame combo. My next bed will for sure be Ikea.

fondue with cheddar

@kellyography It's certainly easier than having sex on a Poäng chair.

astrangerinthealps

@fondue with cheddar No way. Have you seen what the Pöang can do when they hook it up to those testing machines? All I'm saying is, if I'd had to go off after seeing that to hide in a Pax and get in touch with my inner... springs, I doubt I would have been the first.

fondue with cheddar

@Fflora Totally. The testing machine demo is quite mesmerizing.

My last apartment was such that I was unable to get a sofa up there, so I had two Poängs as my only living room seating. Believe me, I tried. It doesn't work.

oh! valencia

@fondue with cheddar Hahaha I was going to say, yeah, I've tried the Pöang. No go.

fondue with cheddar

@oh! valencia Disappointing, right? It seems so great in theory.

BoozinSusan

@oh! valencia I think Poäng should henceforth be our term for sex. "Man, I got drunk last weekend and poänged the hell out of this guy I just met. I don't remember much, but I do remember he was wearing tiny binoculars and fuzz from his hat ended up in my mouth." (for reference, see above)

fondue with cheddar

@BoozinSusan Poäng sounds like the cartoon noise a penis makes when it springs to action.

dtowngirl

God, sex with this guy must get old after a while. "Okay, you light the candles and heat up the massage oil while I strew these flower petals over our silk sheets and start the opera music. Then we start by slowly rubbing each other, followed by faster rubbing and oral pleasuring." Just screw already.

Lily Rowan

@dtowngirl Right? Sometimes grownup sex is just friendly and enjoyable and easy.

I mean, assuming I'm doing "grownup" right.

noodge

@Lily Rowan @dtowngirl do grownups not just FUCK anymore?

swirrlygrrl

@dtowngirl You forgot the intense eye contact that must be maintained throughout all acts. *gah*

When I think of "adult sex," I think of Jeremy Irons in Damage. As I recall, it infrequently involved a bed of any kind.

parallel-lines

@dtowngirl HURRY UP AND FINISH I HAVE TO GO TO WORK TOMORROW!!

dtowngirl

@Lily Rowan Isn't part of "grownup" sex knowing that not all sex has to be a magical union of two souls?

Nothing sexier than being told you have to have "grownup" sex.

Lily Rowan

But also I realized who cares what that guys says, because (a) look at that guy, and (b) he's from the UK original of Trading Spaces. I wouldn't really take sex tips from Vern Yip, either.

spanglepants

@Lily Rowan Oh GOD it's Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen (I hadn't bothered to look at the full article before). Of course. He is repulsive, and I haven't even seen him on tv [in the UK] for about 15 years.

spanglepants

@spanglepants AND he's got some cheek having a go at Ikea, when he wrecked all those people's houses on Changing Rooms. Faux-Louis XV 'style' MDF cut-outs everywhere, with polyester velvet staple-gunned to it, and rag-rolled paint effects on the walls. Not really very luxe.

Lily Rowan

@spanglepants So yeah. Just because someone says something doesn't mean they are worth listening to.

antilamentation

@dtowngirl "A little to the left... A little more to the left... Now up a bit... Up a bit more... Oh YEAH, BABY! RIGHT THERE! RIGHT THERE! THERE IT IS! RIGHT THERE!"

"OK, Laurence. Now that we've re-aligned the curtain rod to your liking, can we please just have some sex! ... What? Why are you staring at my wallpaper?"

"It's an adequate pattern, but the texture is just wrong. Not enough velvet flocking, dahling. I can only get it up if the wallpaper is from Liberty, and the flocking is a full 3/4s of an inch thick. Anything else just makes me go limp."

"... Laurence, have you ever thought that it's a poor craftsman who blames his tools?"

"Why, I don't know what you mean, dahling."

"Because that's what I'm starting to think now, except perhaps with you there's even less of the tool, so to speak."

Melusina

@spanglepants OHHH him. It all makes sense now. I didn't bother to look either.

Better to Eat You With

@Lily Rowan I think my definition of grown-up sex is "doesn't have to be a big production."

Sea Ermine

I have plenty of sex on my ikea bed! It was the only way I could afford something bigger than a twin and it doesn't squeak so I'd say that's pretty good for my sex life.

paddlepickle

Places I can easily enjoy having sex:

1. In an Ikea bedroom
2. In a fancy black velvety room
3. In a kitchen
4. On a beach
5. In a car
6. In an empty room
7. In a broom closet
8. In the woods
9. In a cardboard box

LITERALLY ANYWHERE BECAUSE SEX IS AWESOME

swirrlygrrl

@paddlepickle No beach. NO BEACH!!

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@paddlepickle
"with a fox"?

Leanne

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll next thing you know people are going to be wanting to marry their foxes!

Pyxis

@swirrlygrrl Gaahh! The beach is all sea tar and bacteria! It is wonderful, but meant to be enjoyed with clothes on.

Leanne

@Pyxis and it's so...granular. Ick.

Danzig!

@Pyxis Hey! hey. Let people make their own mistakes!

noodge

true story:
my current ikea bed has lasted me over 15 years, has been taken apart and put back together at least 15 times, and never squeaks or rattles (even with a broken slat in the slat thingy that they use instead of a box spring)
BUT, the nice, carved sleigh bed that my ex and I "upgraded" to fell apart (completely) at least three times during our Grownup Sexy Times. Nothing like the fear of someone breaking their penis to disrupt the moment.

gigglefest

@teenie Mostly impressed by your story because you took apart and put together an ikea bed FIFTEEN TIMES?? You must have magic in you, that sounds so impossible.

noodge

@gigglefest well, I'm not TOTALLY magical... I had to get replacement doohickeys (the little screws but not screws that you use the allen wrench on to tie it all together) because they got stripped over time.

Ham Snadwich

@teenie - My working hypothesis is that Ikea anything is only good for two moves, then it should be thrown away.

E
E

I have fond memories of an ikea four poster bed draped with strings of red flower lights...I'm not sure what happened in it was "opera" but... it was no enya concert.

Seriously though, why does adult sex have to be dark and velvet? Is this a Fifty Shades of Grey tie-in? Is this guy related to Anthony Bourdain- this seems like something he'd say to try and shock us with his unconventional mind.

fondue with cheddar

@E Satin sheets are pretty amazing, but unfortunately they pill up and lose their luxuriousness pretty quickly when you've got dry, rough feet.

darklingplain

@E I don't know--Anthony Bourdain's fondness for street food makes me think that he'd also be pro-good sex, whatever setting it happens in.

freybey@twitter

@E Ugh, Anthony Bourdain. That man makes my vagina slam shut.

This is my new username

Why would one be thinking about furniture at this time?

antilamentation

I think it's unimaginative to blame the furniture, and slightly snobbish to pick on Ikea. I think if you're having good sex, it doesn't matter if the bed squeaks, because you're just so into each other that even a squeaky bed isn't going to stop you. Just have a giggle about the squeaking, and then get back to the hotfunsexytimes.

I mean I'm reminded about the scene in Bull Durham where Kevin Costner and Susan Sarandon sweep the crockery off her kitchen table, toss the cereal bowl into the sink, and get down to business there and then. Who is stopping to see if it's a flunke table or a trobble chair or whatever?! If the guy is stopping to check out the make of furniture, I would guess that the problem isn't the furniture, it's his attention span.

fondue with cheddar

@antilamentation Seriously. I've had the bed break and not let that stop me.

antilamentation

@fondue with cheddar Exactly! And also, more power to you!

fondue with cheddar

@antilamentation It's sort of a good thing...I mean, it feels pretty badass to have sex so hard you break the bed, doesn't it?

antilamentation

@fondue with cheddar Yes. Sex that brings the house down (literally), is probably going to be 100% more fun than sex that wanders around the house, tutting critically at the rug and furnishings.

fondue with cheddar

@antilamentation Haha, totally. Though I must admit my OCD does make me struggle with that kind of stuff. It's hard for me to get into it when I'm concerned about staining the sofa or breaking the table or can't get my mind off that toast crumb that's between my ass and the counter.

antilamentation

@fondue with cheddar Makes sense to me that people need to feel comfortable in themselves to get it on. I think there's always fun in getting swept up in the experience. But on the other hand, no one wants to have to buy a new table every day either.

Probs

Anyone remember that commercial where this couple has all the candles and rose petals and satin sheets, and the dude leaps on the bed to go a-ravishing and promptly slides out the window? That's what "opera" sex makes me think of.

thatgirl

Considering my co-planner for a weekend fetish event for geeks just spent half of yesterday at Ikea buying things to turn into kinky furniture... I would say this dude is full of bullshit.

KatPruska

@thatgirl Best IKEA hacks ever!

Beaker

I don't know, I certainly got up to some pretty adult activities on my IKEA bed last night AND this morning and I wasn't thinking "you know what this needs? OPERA AND BLACK VELVET".

The first time I went to IKEA I was crazy overwhelmed but now I have been enough that I have unlocked its secrets and actively enjoy going there and being tempted to buy one of those ridiculous railway station clocks.

leonstj

Music Better Then Opera for Grown-Up Sex To Be Like:

The Ramones, N.E.R.D., Kermit Ruffins' "Skokkian" from Live At Vaughn's, Anything by Prince ever, but especially "I Wanna Be Your Lover" or "Darling Nikki", Petey Pablo's "Raise Up", "Maybe I'm Amazed" (but only after the first time you say "I Love You", otherwise it's too corny), Prince's "7" (especially after the apocalypse), Sott'er Celo De Roma (half-removed formalwear fucking), "Blueberry Hill" (In A Buick, In 1956), Van Halen (In an IROC, in New Jersey), Mariachi El Bronx (after tacos), La Isla Bonita (anytime), Anything by Nelly (only if you are awesome), Straight Up (after you and your friends throw a throwback 'Middle School Prom Re-Visited' party), "Little Darlin'" (on a beach), American Girl (Big Sur), Miles' "Venus De Milo" from Birth of the Cool (this will actually make you awesome), Wagner, Steely Dan (esp. if one of you has an MFA), LCD Soundsystem (having sex on top of a pile of skinny jeans), "Sister Christian" (fucking right after a coke deal gone wrong), "Nightswimming" (post-HS reunion in a gazebo in the town you grew up in), Common, Stevie Wonder, "On The Radio" (Do they stil make quaaludes?), Billy Joel (Only in Long/Staten Island or Northern NJ), Vampire Weekend (outdoor shower of a Wellfleet beachouse rented with a bunch of friends), or, of course, "The Way You Look Tonight" by Frank Sinatra, because it is the best song ever.

Also, never Rush, Dubstep, or Irish Jigs & Reels.

stuffisthings

@leon s Now I'm trying to remember that show where a guy tries to impress his date by playing John Philip Sousa marches. Can't find nothin' on Google and it's KILLING me.

leonstj

@leon s - My spotify playlist for work has just reminded me that I somehow inexplicably left off "Kiss From A Rose", which is a fucking majestic piece of majesty.

slutberry

@leon s Carmina Burana.

Cawendaw

@leon s You misspelled "Fred Astaire" on that last one.

leonstj

@Cawendaw - I'm prepared to start a comment flame-war of youtube-like proportions defending the supremacy of ol' blue eyes.

yrouttasight

@leon s I maaay have had sex to Hendrix's Voodoo Child (Reprise) so many times that whenever I hear it has a nearly...ahem, Pavolian effect on me.

Ham Snadwich

@leon s - I dated a girl whose preferred doin it music was the B-52s. Unexpectedly fun.

null

@stuffisthings 30 Rock? But for opposite effect; there was an episode where Jack plays a Philip Sousa march to keep himself from making advances on Nancy Donovan... then she comes out looking slammin' in red lingerie. No one in their right mind would turn down Julianne Moore in her skivvies, bad Boston accent or not.

leonstj

@leon s - How on earth did you miss parliament you ignorant jag-off.

yrouttasight

@klaus "You'd think the red would clash with her hair, but it didn't...it didn't."

FloraPosteHaste

@stuffisthings you're not thinking of The Other Sister, are you?

par_parenthese

ANYTHING BUT WAGNER NOOOOOOOOOO

As Lady Persie said this week on Upstairs, Downstairs, "Oh, don't. You can't imagine how appalling Wagner is until you've sat through five hours of caterwauling with a Standartenfuhrer's hand placed lightly on your thigh."

Brunhilde

@par_parenthese KILL THE WABBIT, KILL THE WABBIT!

par_parenthese

@par_parenthese WTF, this is not where it belongs at all.

I'm Right on Top of that, Rose

The only black velvet I need in my life is the liquid kind, and maybe the kind that features pictures of Elvis or dogs play poker and I can hang it on my walls.

oh! valencia

LIKING ALL THE COMMENTS

KatPruska

I hear "black velvet and silk" and my mind immediately goes to how much vacuuming I'd have to do to keep all the cat hair and dust off of that shit. Dude seems way high maintenance. He also looks like a failed magician. (Or, you know, a magician).

Slutface

Someone just finished Fifty Shades Of Grey.

breccalynn

Pffft, if my Malm could talk...

NeverOddOrEven

A post about sex that also references Homeland and NO ONE is talking about how fucking sexy that show is!?

Shame on you all.

Hoooooooommmeelaaaaaaannnd.

It is the greatest show to ever air on television. I have never been so invested in and so ruined by television. And Damian Lewis.

null

I'm not making a connection between Homeland and sexy. Maybe if I focus solely on Saul?

SAUL FOREVERRRRRRRR.

NeverOddOrEven

@klaus
Damian Lewis and Clare Danes. Are sexy. And have sex. And the rest of the time is full of sexy sex tension.

null

Oh man, Damian Lewis has been too good at playing a villain to get me to think of him as anything other than terrifying.

NeverOddOrEven

@klaus
Terrifyingly sexy.

stonefruit

@klaus ALWAYS SAUL BERENSON.

Bert Macklin, FBI

@klaus Ugh, sorry to revive this thread after a week, but where did Damian Lewis play a villain?! A friend and I have a serious Damian Lewis obsession, obviously, since he is a total red-headed babe, and I NEED TO KNOW this!

Seriously, we even watched the first episode of the Forsyte Saga to see him, and it was incredibly slow? (Does it get better, anyone? Because I keep hearing how great it is, but the first episode really didn't do much for me...)

NeverOddOrEven

@Bert Macklin, FBI
Well, he's pretty much a villain in Forsyte Saga, but I barely made it through about three episodes. Boooooooring.
And the first season of Homeland is a "is he or isn't he" thing.
WATCH IT.

planforamiracle

I have an IKEA bed and it's delightful for sexing and for sleeping! I like that I have a headboard and footboard for grabbing/hoisting during sexy activities. But the footboard made it impossible for my very tall ex-gentleman-friend to fit in the bed, and all our sleepovers took place at his house, which made me sad.

null

I only make love to the sounds of whale calls. Just not the kind that sound like humans.

LaLoba

I just switched the bed frames and put the ikea frame under the extra bed because of the odd sound effects and ending up on the other side of the room after every escapade. One time the mattress scooted almost entirely off of the frame and began to teeter totter upward. Frightening.

thisisunclear

Velvet is grooooooss.

thisisunclear

@Reginal T. Squirge !!!

I stand by the revised statement that velvet bedding is groooooooss. My favorite piece of clothing for many years (god knows in what move I lost it) was a burgundy velvet blazer from my mother's high school days, and it was THE perfect Fall jacket. Truce?

KeLynn

OK I guess I have to be the one to say it. I agree that Ikea bedrooms are not sexy. NOW HOLD ON I certainly don't think black velvet and silk are sexy either. God no. But the bright, clean, white, cold, straight look of Ikea does have a "sterile" feeling that isn't the sexiest. My SO and I currently have a Malm, so it's clearly not going to stop me. But if I had to make a list of the bedrooms I would most like to have sex in, Ikea-style definitely wouldn't be my top pick.

(But to be fair, I don't really like modern/minimalist style to begin with, despite my house and its contents being kind of like that.)

lil.orphan.shannie

I think I've reached a point where I'd settle for any kind of sex. It's gonna be a long, cold winter. Sigh.

Maladydee

@lil.orphan.shannie agreed. I've had my apartment for 6 months now and it still hasn't been broken in, so to speak. I WILL BE SAD if I renew my lease before that happens.

baked bean

So the nearest Ikea to me is about 500 miles away. I am kind of glad, just because you see more uniqueness in furniture around here. More thrift store finds and hand-me-downs.

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