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Wednesday, October 3, 2012

88

The Apple Oracle

A flowchart for apple-selecting.

Tags:

food, apples



88 Comments / Post A Comment

The Lady of Shalott

Idared apples for ever and ever.

Also, the only thing Red Delicious apples are good for is feeding them to horses. They are always without exception nasty and mealy and taste like garbage. How on earth did they get a name like "Red Delicious?" At least Golden Delicious are, you know, tasty! But I also hate McIntosh apples, yech yech yechchchc.

SuperGogo

@The Lady of Shalott YOU SHUT YOUR MACINTOSH-DEFAMING MOUTH!

beatrix

This is funny@l

laserbeams

There is nothing more disappointing in life than a horrible apple. My favourite types sound a bit innuendo-y, though: Jazz and Cox.

(Cox apples are THE BEST FOREVER and they're just about to be in season and this will be THE BEST.)

laserbeams

@laserbeams Also I just realised I only ever cook with Bramley apples. I just assume all the other types are for other people who foolishly prefer them to the actual nice apples?

The worst thing ever was when I bought some Pink Ladies the other week. I was tricked by the awesome name, but they were inedible. Yuck!

laserbeams

@laserbeams I just found out that Jazz apples are a cross between Braeburns and Galas. Both of which are okay, but the Jazz is infinitely preferable to either.

Now I'm thinking too much about apples.

entangled

@laserbeams I feel like the innuendo is an added benefit. Am totally going to go seek out some Cox apples now - I have had too much apple disappointment in the past year. It always seems like the farmer's market apples around here are worse and mealier than the supermarket ones, too. idek.

laserbeams

@entangled Wikipedia tells me they can be disappointing when grown outside of England, so maybe watch out for that if you don't live here?

Verity

@laserbeams Coxes are the best! I love autumn because there are lots of them.

iceberg

definitely correct about red delicious, those nasty, floury things, but i eat golden delicious apples raw and will not eat any other apple. surely there are multiple uses for some apples?

Ophelia

This is wrong - the answer to "eat it raw" should always be "Honeycrisp."

Liz Derosier@facebook

@Ophelia I concur - it was the first thing I looked for!

Sydney C

@Ophelia: Agreed. This flow chart is completely discredited

Tuna Surprise

@Ophelia
Yes! Last year was a bumper Honeycrisp crop and I bought bags of them at a time and ate them all myself. If no Honeycrisp, Gala will do.

Ophelia

@Tuna Surprise I have eaten 4 Honeycrisps in the last 2 days. OMNOMNOMNOMNOM. I'll also eat Gala if needed (and Fuji are OK, too).

Also, I think the calculus changes slightly when you are AT an orchard, in which case McIntosh and Cortland are yummy.

kate.m

@Ophelia Honeycrisp x 1,000,000! It's because they forgot that the correct answer to "Sweet or Tart?" is "BOTH, duh."

lisma

@Ophelia Honeycrisp apples, better known to me as Crack Apples.

royaljunk

@Ophelia YES, always. Last fall I ate at least two everyday because they're incredible. UGH I NEED TO BUY SOME RIGHT THIS SECOND

Genghis Khat

@Ophelia Back to the slate, slate!

liverwortlaura

@Ophelia also, MUTSU

RationalHatter

@Ophelia Galas should only be a fallback-- Honeycrisp > Pink Lady > Gala/Fuji/Braeburn

Also, a friend of mine recently tried an apple called SweeTango, and she says it's better than the honeycrisp, which I'm not sure I believe.

meetapossum

@RationalHatter Mine goes Pink Lady > Honeycrisp > Jonagolds

SarahP

A Slate writer is advocating bringing tomatoes to a Joe Biden event?!

oh! valencia

@SarahP yeah, wtf was that about?!

Probs

@SarahP not only is it rude to suggest throwing tomatoes at a harmless goof like good ol' Smiling Joe, it's an inefficient use of their own flow chart- it should have been a subcategory of THROW, not a category unto itself.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

@SarahP
The accompanying picture is a tomato so I assume that there was some Biden-related tomato/apple mix-up that I was too busy watching 'The New Girl' to hear about?

Verity

@Rock and Roll Ken Doll The term they used "love apple" does mean tomato, so that makes some sense.

frigwiggin

I have never liked eating apples raw, except for the recent exception when they're slathered in cookie butter. But I've never gone wrong with Granny Smiths for apple crisp...

frigwiggin

@frigwiggin Actually, someone convince me that apples are worth eating raw? Are the ones at the farmer's market better than the ones at the grocery store? I have never looked at an apple and craved it, and now I'm wondering if I've just had subpar apples all my life.

iceberg

@frigwiggin what about caramel apples or candy apples ("toffee appples", for brits/aussies)? (for which only granny smiths are acceptable)

The Lady of Shalott

@iceberg I read a book as a kid that I can't remember now, where someone was eating a candy apple and it yanked a loose tooth right out of her head, and ever since then I've had an awful horror of eating candy apples.

Seriously, what was that book?

Smallison

@frigwiggin I eat raw apples nearly every day (except for summer, when I switch to plums). They are the best. Crunchy if you pick 'em right, and tart. Not too sweet, but enough to satisfy my craving for a post-lunch snack. I'm a fan of Galas, and Honeycrisp when I feel like splurging.

frigwiggin

@iceberg I haven't had too many of either, but I think I've found them to be a) difficult to eat and b) too overly sweet. (Which is maybe where the tartness of the apple is supposed to come in, but still.)

frigwiggin

@The Lady of Shalott Didn't that happen in a Berenstain Bears book?

Lucienne

@frigwiggin See above thread re: Honeycrisp apples.

The Lady of Shalott

@frigwiggin Oh god, was it? I don't remember! But I do remember it possibly being a candy apple with loads of chocolate on the outside? Maybe I'm just making this up.

MilesofMountains

@iceberg The best thing about fall is making caramel apples. Fact.

anachronistique

@frigwiggin Yes, farmers' market apples are better. Ask the people at the stall what they recommend for a not-too-sweet apple!

liverwortlaura

@frigwiggin I can't eat them raw, they make my stomach upset and gassy/burpy :(

Banana Moose

@The Lady of Shalott

I don't know about kid's book ... but there was a whole chapter in Laurie Notaro's The Idiot Girls' Action-Adventure Club about the perils of caramel apple eating. I think about it every time I pass a Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory.

Es
Es

I do like a good Fuji, but where are the Braeburns?

Blushingflwr

The answer to "eat it raw" is either Pink Lady or Granny Smith. The end.

laserbeams

@Blushingflwr Pink Ladies taste like nothing!

squishycat

@laserbeams TAKE THAT BACK.

entangled

@Blushingflwr granny smith is for eating raw with some peanut (or other nut) butter. this is pretty much my go-to "need more than fruit/less than meal" snack.

laserbeams

@squishycat Never! They are so pretty but taste like slightly sweet water?

liverwortlaura

@laserbeams BAD pink ladies taste like nothing. good ones taste like apple jolley ranchers!

daisicles

@laserbeams Nooo, Pink Ladies are good! Sort of sour-sweet and very nice. One of my teachers in high school brought them in for the entire class once just because she had to share their wondrousness, so I have bonus fuzzy warm memories of them, but they're still good anyway!

schrodingers_cat

@entangled Granny Smith is only good with peanut butter. True fact.

laserbeams

@liverwortlaura Maybe this is the problem. :(

I need to find a nearby apple orchard. There was one near where I grew up where we'd go and try apples from a basket near the door, which was amazing. I don't think I know of any farms that sell apples where I live now.

Blushingflwr

@schrodingers_cat Nuh-uh. They're so tart and delicious. But I like sour things (and prefer my peaches and plums to be hard and slightly under-ripe).

parallel-lines

DEATH TO RED DELICIOUS!

They should be abolished from this earth.

Did you know there's been lots of development in apples and new varieties of apples over the past few years? http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2011/11/21/111121fa_fact_seabrook

liverwortlaura

@parallel-lines yes, i was hoping someone would reference this article, so interesting! but really a little oversimplified, because while there has been much development in the way of branding new apples, there are lots of heirloom apples which go unmentioned...

bitchycrosstownexpress

@parallel-lines Actual conversation with my boyfriend last week:
Him: I don't really like apples. They just taste kind of bland to me.
Me: Maybe you are eating the wrong kind, what do you usually eat?
Him: Oh, you know, Red Delicious.
Me: Well, there's your problem.

I'm planning on grabbing some Gala at the farmer's market soon and also introducing him to Pink Ladies.

squishycat

Man, *none* of my faves are on there (Pink Ladies, Pink Pearls, Honeycrisp, Braeburns, Arkansas Black, Gravensteins...)

Genghis Khat

@squishycat Pink ladies are there!

squishycat

@Genghis Khat Yay! I can't believe I missed them.

liverwortlaura

@squishycat or cox's orange pippen, or adam's pearmain, or empire, or cox's orange pippen, or ANY pippen, or mutsu, etc., ad naseum

RationalHatter

@squishycat I know! Gravenstein is CLEARLY the destination to the applesauce path. I think we need to correct this flowchart for Slate.

sarah girl

Are there any kinds of apples with less-tough skins? I enjoy the insides of apples but the skin gives me the creeps. In theory I'd love to just grab an apple and bit right into it, but bleh.

joeks

Throw this chart in the basura and eat a Honeycrisp apple.

Honeycrisp isn't even on this thing at all! Terrible, terrible.

TheLetterL

Take it back! TAKE IT BACK ABOUT THE RED DELICIOUS! I grew up eating them (my only other option was Macs - yuck!) so they taste like mealy, floury, childhood to me. COME AT ME.

wee_ramekin

@TheLetterL No one wants to come at you because you have already had A Terrible Childhood™ :'(.

TheLetterL

@wee_ramekin SAD TROMBONE

lisma

Eating Granny Smith slices with peanut butter right now. My work gets a box of fruit delivered twice a week and they've had really nice, organic Granny Smiths lately.

Es
Es

OK, now I'm on a mission to find a Honeycrisp apple. Never heard of them and it sounds like I'm missing out!

fondue with cheddar

@Es I'm allergic so I haven't tasted them, but when I asked the produce guy at Wegmans what are The Best Apples, honeycrisp is what he suggested without hesitation.

yrouttasight

Guys- CRISPIN APPLES. They are huge and delicious beyond compare.

Rock and Roll Ken Doll

Okay so I thought I had nothing to say about apples, but just now I found an entire apple in the trash in the office kitchen! What the fuck there are starving children in Bethesda! I pulled it out, rinsed it off, chopped it up, and scurried back to my office to eat it in secrecy, since I do not really want to talk about why it was in the trash. I just want to complain. Thanks, Hairpin!

Not really about types of apples, sorry.

anachronistique

WHITHER THE MUTSU?

Protip: use Northern Spy for pies. They are the size of a softball so you only have to peel, like, three.

liverwortlaura

@anachronistique seriously, mutsu ftw. and spies are THE pie apple. basically, you know your apples!

darklingplain

@anachronistique I like Northern Spies in baking but raw they always have a weird banana-y flavor to me (I may just be hallucinating).

lindsayishere

Am I really the only person in the world who actively enjoys macintosh apples, in all their mealy, delightfully sweet-tart glory? I like to say it's a product of having grown up in New England. Somebody's buying them, or they wouldn't still have so many at all the greenmarkets! Oh wait.

liverwortlaura

@lindsayishere I love them, mostly because they have a very nostalgic taste to me, as my great-grandmother had a tree and would pick them and store them in wooden crates all winter, so they would be even MORE soft when I would eat them the next spring. I don't mind the texture, although my husband does. The taste is paramount for cider and applesauce. My mouth waters just imagining their taste!

schrodingers_cat

@lindsayishere I love them. In fact, I just ate one. My local grocery store had an orchard run of macintosh apples this week, so I bought lots.

parallel-lines

Okay, I'm going to an orchard in a few weeks to get apples, what's the best kind for pies? I like to use a mixture to keep it really exciting/vary textures--whaddya got?

liverwortlaura

@parallel-lines Idared, paula red, spies if you can find them

Harbinger of Something

@parallel-lines Northern spies for pies!

anachronistique

@parallel-lines In addition to liverwortlaura's suggestions, I like Baldwins and Russet and Greenings.

Lily Rowan

MACOUNS, you guys.

anachronistique

@Lily Rowan MACOOOOOOOUNS. Those are delicious and so overlooked!

Lily Rowan

@anachronistique Maybe because they are only the best apple ever for about two weeks. And maybe only in New England?

Michael Boggs@facebook

How does an entire post on apples never mention the Sweetango? Its the honeycrisps better tasting cousin. Seriously, no mention of honeycrisp or sweetango???? You don't know apples! :)

Verity

This flowchart lies; Cox apples and Russet apples are the best ones to eat raw, no question. Braeburns are quite nice too. (I have Strong Feelings on apples, can you tell?)

Megan@twitter

Most horrifying apple: The Grapple, an agri-tech monster of a Fuji apple injected with fake grape flavor.

fondue with cheddar

@Megan@twitter And to top it off, they tell you right on the package that you're pronouncing it wrong. IT'S A STUPID PRODUCT WITH A STUPID NAME.

meetapossum

How serendipitous, since I am going apple picking on Sunday!

Then again, I already know how to pick apples because they are my favorite thing on the planet.

Bus Driver Stu Benedict

Well, I guess now we have an answer for who is "doing it wrong" with apples.

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