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Tuesday, October 9, 2012

205

Texts From Little Women

MEG 
MEG 
MEG WHAT’S ALL THIS 
WHAT’S ALL THIS I’M HEARING ABOUT YOUR GETTING MARRIED
tell me it’s a wretched lie 
Jo I don’t know how many more times we have to have this conversation
I’ll have it a THOUSAND TIMES if I must
but yes
I am still marrying John tomorrow
OH GREAT TRIPLE-HORNED GOD
just like I was planning to yesterday
this is unbearable
and also last month
answer me this, then
who exactly do you think is going to play Mercy
when we put on my version of The Pilgrim’s Progress this summer?
I wrote that part for YOU 
wrote it beautifully in fact
I don’t know, darling
she gets a cracking scene with the villain Rodrigo where he tries to poison her 
and she screams and faints and everything 
I don’t remember anyone named Rodrigo in The Pilgrim’s Progress
THAT’S NEITHER HERE NOR THERE MEG
I’m very sorry
this production will be ruined 
why don’t you ask Amy?
i’m not even going to dignify that with a response 

You still have three hours to change your mind 
we could run away and be pirates 
or just wear bloomers
but I love him, Jo
uuuuugh 
I can’t even understand you when you get hysterical like this
I love him and I want to marry him — that’s all
you’re just ranting now 
it’s pure gibberish
we’ll be living just down the road, honestly
it’ll be like i never left at all
does he have a horse?
is that what this is about? 
does he have a sword gun or a railroad 
or a 
a nice hat or something?
no, that’s not what this is about
I hope you realize you’re breaking up the family 
I really wish you wouldn’t see things that way
a broken home 
that’s what I come from now 
a broken home
that’s not what they call it when your sister gets married
then why does it feel broken, Meg
why does it feel broken
this is the worst thing 
that has ever happened 
to anyone 
since Father died 
Father didn’t die, Jo!
he’s only been wounded!
oh 
didn’t he? 
for some reason I thought he’d died 
no
he’ll be home in a few weeks
Ah
do you suppose he’s going to want his old greatcoat 
and riding boots 
and shaving things 
and top hat
when he gets back? 
I expect that he will
HANG EVERYTHING 

LAURIE 
I despise everything
did you know she wouldn’t even let me have any fireworks at her wedding 
I didn’t know that
not a single solitary firework 
nor a footrace either 
she wouldn’t even let me challenge the groomsmen to a feat of strength 
well I’m afraid that’s fairly customary
not to have the maid of honor wrestling the wedding party, I mean
THEN I’M NEVER GETTING MARRIED 
all right
imagine having to get married without even one little roman candle 
i won’t do it you know 
all right, Jo
i’ll kill myself and all of you 
but i won’t live in that world

amy?
yes?
amy im dying tonight
oh no
yes im definitely dying 
oh its terrible how much im dying just now
but
what exactly
what are you dying of
this sewing needle 
it’s so very heavy 
well
put it down
the window — it's so — so bright
the window is killing you?
it’s so terribly full of glass
I see
theres just glass all over it
i don’t know how you stand it
oh I manage
i dont think ill make it through the night
well I’ll be here if you need me
and to think i once stepped outside the house 
to stand in the sun 
yes, I remember that day
what a strong and foolhardy girl i was then 

dear Laurie - 
dearest Laurie - 
surely at this point you know 
i can’t possibly marry you 
i’m so sorry 
please try to forgive me 
Jo
of course I’ll respect your wishes
but why?
there’s no one who knows you better
i know that  
we have such fun together
we do!
and you’re dear to me
and jolly
and clever
cleverer than me anyhow
and I -
I do love you
most awfully, Jo
Laurie, I can’t 
please don’t ask me again 
I can’t help but ask
and I can’t give you any answer but no 
all right
all right

Oh Meg, darling
it’s all over 
Beth is with Father now 
Jo, Father still isn’t dead
really?
I saw him not four hours ago
could have sworn he died at sea
or somewhere

Jo, I’m sorry about what I said the other day
I know how you feel about marriage
and — and everything
Oh, Laurie
that’s all right
you’ll never marry anyone
your writing is too important — that comes first
oh
I do admire you for that, really I do
you’re going to do tremendous things
that’s awfully kind of you to say
and I count myself lucky to know you
I do, Jo
we’ll be old bachelors together
you and I
well 
ah
the thing is, chum
running a cattle ranch
somewhere out West
turns out I am going to be married after all 
I’ve met someone, I mean 
please understand I never intended to -
he’s the most wonderful man 
very old 
much older than me 
oh
he’s German - 
very German - 
so German it’s hard to understand him at first when he speaks
and you’re going to marry
him
with yourself
you’re going to be marrying him yourself I mean
his mustache is enormous
bushy and gray and covered in crumbs 
all of him is covered in crumbs 
he’s filthy haha
well that’s just
oh and he just hates my writing 
criticizes my work unceasingly 
I see
i really cannot overemphasize 
how much he disapproves of my voice as a writer 
wants me to change everything about it
well
how can I compete with that
exactly
please don’t blame yourself 

 

Previously: Texts From the Baby-Sitters Club.

Mallory Ortberg is a writer in the Bay Area. Her work has also appeared on Slacktory and Ecosalon.



205 Comments / Post A Comment

Princess Slayer

Wait but I want the entire book retold like this.

Mostly the "I'm banging your sister now" conversation.

iheartoxytocin

@Princess Slayer RIGHT?

Scandyhoovian

Man, fuck you, Amy March. You burnt Jo's manuscripts, you are dead to me.

let's not even talk about laurie, ok

bonymaroni

@Scandyhoovian Everything you said, my heart said first. Amy can go skate in the middle of the pond; see if I bring her a rail or anything.

highjump

@Scandyhoovian The burning of manuscripts, causing manuscripts to be burned - unforgivable! Amy. Jarback. Dead to me.

tessamae

@bonymaroni The biggest waste of a perfectly good rail in the history of rails.

meetapossum

@Scandyhoovian Not to mention passive-aggressive jibes at Jo's looks. "Your one beauty!"

VolcanoMouse

@highjump JARBACK. AUNT ELIZABETH. Wait, does she count? JARBACK. *grinds teeth*

Yahtzii

@Scandyhoovian NOT EVEN LIMES WILL MAKE YOU LIKABLE

Verity

@meetapossum Is that meant to be Amy, though? In the book it's not attributed, and it's hard to tell whether it's meant to be Amy or Meg (Beth is all, "She doesn't look like my Jo any more, but I love her for it!"). Both of them are vain enough to say it, I think.

meetapossum

@Verity It's vague in the book, but Amy says it in the movie, so that's good enough for me.

Bittersweet

@VolcanoMouse Wait a minute, some of us love the idea of controlling, rich older men who will take care of us. And don't even get me started on Teddy's drawbacks. (Ahem, Mom.)

OK, they both stink. Team Emily By Herself With Her Family!

isitisabel

@Scandyhoovian I can't honestly tell if my dislike for Amy is because of Amy or because I couldn't stand the girl who played her in my high school drama club's rendition of Little Women.

femme cassidy

Okay! This is the crowning achievement of the entire human race and nothing will ever top it, so society is canceled and we can all go back to bed.

evil melis

race you there

tessamae

@evil melis

footrace you there

Slapfight

@femme cassidy This is the greatest possible thing one could read first thing in the morning.

withatwist

I am upset every time Jo doesn't marry Laurie.
What the hell Jo March?

schrodingers_cat

@withatwist I know, right?

sceps yarx

@withatwist I cry every time I read that scene where Laurie lays his head against the fence post because he's crying. OH MY GOD. Actually, even just reading the Melis version made me feel the feelings all over again. Well, I guess some girls are into handsome, slender, black-haired, witty, fun-loving, intelligent, wealthy, sexy boys who adore them for who they really are, and some girls....aren't?

TheLetterL

@withatwist Blame the fangirls! Little Women was published in installments, and apparently the young ladies swooned over Laurie. (One reviewer said that he knew a reader that demanded to know where she could find a boy like Laurie, because he "just suited her.")

Anyway, seems Louisa May Alcott got irritated by it and grumbled in her journal that she "wouldn't marry Jo to Laurie to please anyone!"

evil melis

@TheLetterL Which is fine! I feel no compunction to hear about Jo and Laurie squashing their bits together. But I will brook Professor Bhaer on NO ACCOUNT.

TheLetterL

@evil melis Fair. I do like thinking of Louisa May Alcott evilly grinning like "Oh, you want married? I'll give you married"

Bittersweet

@evil melis "But I will brook Professor Bhaer on NO ACCOUNT (unless he really looks like Gabriel Byrne)." There. Fixed.

D.@twitter

@TheLetterL Ugh I KNOW and then Alcott made her have all those children. And she never did become an author, just wrote "little stories."
NO NO NO NO NO NO.

schrodingers_cat

@D.@twitter I refuse to read any of the later books. The ending of Little Women is hard enough, I refuse to read the books where Jo's character is further worsened.

The Attic Wife

@withatwist GAH. Louisa May Alcott was such a bitch.

PrettyNicola

@withatwist In the third book she becomes quite a popular author. She also gets fat I think? But Nan never marries!

siniichulok

@D.@twitter Yeah, just like Anne Shirley. I mean Blythe...:(

Anne Helen Petersen

Christian Bale as Laurie > Every Enormous Moustache Covered in Crumbs

Lucienne

@Anne Helen Petersen No, Laurie is THE WORST. And Christian Bale makes him even worser.

tessamae

@Lucienne LAURIE? THE WORST? CHRISTIAN BALE? WORSER? I DISAGREE VEHEMENTLY.

But respectfully.

mabellegueule

@Lucienne You mean worse/worser like how "bad" is slang for "good", right? Because Christian Bale can only make things better so that has to be what you mean.

bitzy

"sword gun"

area@twitter

@bitzy Squall Brooke?

warriorworrierwoman

I get so giddily excited when I see a new "texts from" piece! It's quite unbecoming in a grown lady like myself...just like Jo shaking hands (it's not the thing anymore!)

schrodingers_cat

I should be satisfied with just this, since it is amazing, but now I want all of Little Women as written by melis

Nicole Cliffe

Diescollapseslovesitsomuchamyisabitch

cherrispryte

I demand a second installment, particularly relating to Amy and Laurie getting married. BECAUSE THAT STILL DOES NOT MAKE SENSE.

tessamae

@cherrispryte I always secretly hoped that Little Men would have been the tale of Laurie discovering Amy had a penis all this time, divorcing her and turning into a hermit. Then Old Balls Fredriech would die, because he's a million, leaving Jo alone. Once day, she'd be walking through the woods, collecting flowers and her thoughts, and there Laurie is, standing by their fence with the sun glinting off of his hair. They embrace, cry, apologize for the follies of their youth and ride off into the sunset to spend an eternity writing plays and drinking wine.

BUT NO. It was about stupid Jo running that stupid school with her stupid old man husband and I hated it.

fb100003964691892

@cherrispryte Nothing wrong with a woman who has a penis. Don't really appreciate the assertion that there is.

Amphora

@Ashley Lange@facebook There is if you're LAURIE, nitpicker.

wee_ramekin

@Amphora Let's change @tessamae's first sentence to:

"I always secretly hoped that Little Men would have been the tale of Laurie discovering that Amy's nose was made entirely out of wood that she carved herself after crushing her own nose with a tightly sprung clothespin, divorcing her, and turning into a hermit."

There. Now everyone is happy, and there's no casual poking fun at trans folks! Can't we all just be cruel to Amy instead?

Sella Turcica

@wee_ramekin I feel we need a second installment with more poking fun at Amy and more poking fun at Aunt March! I mean, what's scarier than when your old, mean relatives learn how to text?

D.@twitter

@cherrispryte It's the same thing that happens in "My Brilliant Career." Girl with great hair loved by handsome, rich man who loves her, understands her, and still wants to her to able to write. So, naturally, she rejects him.

...WAIT, WHAT?

How many of you, after reading that, cried, "It's okay, Laurie. I'LL marry you!!"

yeah-elle

Does anyone else have a vivid memory of the ridiculous but somehow adorable spit-string from Jo and Laurie's kiss in the Winona Ryder version?

nope just me then ok.

Fancy Pony

@yeah-elle Yes! And I remember thinking it was weird that they chose to use that shot in the movie, since they must have shot the kiss several times. It must have a secret, deeper meaning.

teaandcakeordeath

@yeah-elle
It was burned in to my brain, but you have only just reminded me of it.

rallisaurus

@yeah-elle I notice that EVERY time I watch it! It's become part of the Jo/Laurie myth at this point.

llamainramallah

@yeah-elle I spent waaay too long trying to figure this out as a ten year-old, but eventually came to the conclusion that it was a (or the only) sign that things weren't meant to be: her clever, handsome, sweet Laurie would be a terrible kisser, thus ruining the potential marriage forever.
(Then later I was like, oh, right, Laurie totally does the overly-eager pawing thing, and Prof Bhaer... well, older gentlemen know what's going on. Jo wasn't going to waste her time, right?)

effystonem

@yeah-elle AHHHH EVERY TIME. I'll be into the scene and then AHHH GROSS. Wtf, director? I'm sure you guys shot that scene more than once.

So glad someone said something, no one else I know ever noticed?

SuperGogo

Jo March + Edwin Fairfax Rochester = BIRDS OF A FEATHER

SuperGogo

@SuperGogo Oh, CRAP! His name is Edward and I still can't edit and crap crap crap!

evil melis

@SuperGogo You're still right, though.

SuperGogo

@evil melis They are twins in caps lock. Now can you use your evil influence and get my edit function working? Please? I'll bring you a triple-horned god beast as an offering.

Megasus

@SuperGogo Edwin is better

joie

FUCK YOU AMY MARCH.

joie

@Mame Dennis-Pickett-Burnside also this is the best thing ever in the history of ever.

teaandcakeordeath

@Mame Dennis-Pickett-Burnside
Related:
FUCK YOU PROFESSOR BHAER!

okaycrochet

@Mame Dennis-Pickett-Burnside Amy wanted me to tell you YOU'LL BE SORRY FOR THIS JO MARCH.

hoolie

Amy was a miserable little hellion and I very much enjoyed it when she was publicly shamed for eating those pickled limes.

Also what even are pickled limes.

slutberry

@hoolie it's because Amy secretly had scurvy which you get from being a trampy little spoiled hoo-ha

likethestore

I'm in tears this is so perfect. Oh my god.

evil melis

I STILL DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT KILLED BETH

evil melis

besides "being useless"

emkay

@evil melis chronic saintliness killed Beth.

wallsdonotfall

@evil melis Thank you for bringing that up! Yeah, probably some sort of hidden progressive disease, but... did "sickly people" just run out of life back then?

Amphora

@wallsdonotfall Creeping hysteria. Fever of the womb.

Dancercise

@evil melis
The same thing that killed her father.

TheLetterL

@wallsdonotfall (Rheumatic fever subsequent to scarlet fever?)

Decca

@evil melis I just finished reading The Old Curiosity Shop and I presume she did of the same thing that killed Little Nell, ie being insufferable.

Lux
Lux

@TheLetterL Yeah, didn't she catch it off the baby that died, that she was looking after for the poor family down the road? So chronic saintliness is about on the money.

TheLetterL

@Lux Yup, chronic saintliness is about right, although if Meg had looked after the Hummels while Marmee was away - AS SHE PROMISED - none of this would have happened. Just sayin,' Meg.

Bootsandcats

@evil melis Veganism. Veganism before ready access to soy products and coconut.

Slapfight

@evil melis I don't understand why they put and "r" in Mommy. They're from Massachusetts! We detest the letter "r"! We drop it from words! It makes no sense that the Maaaaahhhhch children would add one in.

Martita

@Slapfight But we also add them in strange places, like randomly at the end of words ending in "a."

beeline96

@Slapfight THANK YOU.

kerouackangaroo

but amy and laurie got married before jo married her daddy issues? right? like, jo got all sad and stuff and that's like part of the thing?

Lu2
Lu2

@kerouackangaroo --just logged in to say this; glad I checked the comments before doing so. :) And also, this episode of "Texts" is so fantastic, even though it's really all Jo except for the one initiated by Laurie. God, I was so confused as a kid by the idea of a boy named Laurie. Now I picture the young Hugh Laurie and am even more confused.

My favorite part is how Jo keeps forgetting her father isn't dead, as if it makes no difference at all because he's not really in the book even.

katiethegreat

I laughed so hard reading this I had to have a little break halfway through to get over a coughing fit.

By which I mean this is the best thing ever written in the world ever.

thisisunclear

@katiethegreat oh good, not the consumption! or whatever killed beth march.

thebestjasmine

It warms my heart to the core that the comments have turned into an Amy March hatefest. She's the worst. Burning Jo's manuscript what the fuck you should have fallen into the ice. And her stupid daughter too.

PatatasBravas

@thebestjasmine Hahaha I actually have some affection for Amy because a) JO WAS ME in middle school haha I have grown out of it I swear and b) AMY WAS MY LITTLE SISTER and she's only sort of grown out of it.

But yeah burning the manuscripts was not cool.

okaycrochet

@PatatasBravas Okay I am still Jo (second oldest of four girls, what's uuuuuup) and my youngest sister is still Amy and we still sort of want to kill each other? But I'm too old for that ish? So now I give all my hate to Amy. Die, Amy. Die.

Brunhilde

Oh God, I'm the third of 4 girls, so does this make me Beth? You guys, I am nothing like Beth. Well, I'm pretty useless. Oh and I can sew and crochet. And I'm sick a lot. Oooooh no, I'm Beth! :(

Blushingflwr

This bit: running a cattle ranch
somewhere out West

Made me think of Laurie suddenly breaking into "Santa Fe" from Newsies (because of the whole "Christian Bale" thing).

I smell burnt toast

@Blushingflwr NEWSIES.

Bittersweet

@Blushingflwr "Santa Fe" reminded me of Rent, so now I've got a mental image of "Little Rentsies," starring Christian Bale, Winona Ryder and Jesse L. Martin.

par_parenthese

@Bittersweet YE GODS. YES.

Scandyhoovian

I think my favorite thing from texts from [insert book here] is that the comments always make me laugh just as hard as the post itself.

Also I'm pretty sure Amy March is why I hate Kirsten Dunst in every movie she's in that's not called Bring it On.

par_parenthese

@Scandyhoovian Agreed, and agreed. AMY MARCH AUGH.

iheartoxytocin

@Scandyhoovian FYI, if you want to see KDunst doing terribly inappropriate things, watch Bachelorette.
I mean, she's still not very likable, but she's certainly entertaining!

TheLetterL

@iheartoxytocin Co-signed. Also, Drop Dead Gorgeous is woefully underrated.

kimberussell

EEEee! I LOVE Little Women and have been secretly hoping for this one. Thank you, Melis!

Pinners...there is nothing wrong with Amy. She had the most character growth through the entire book (self-centered brat to generous humble lady) while Jo was basically wretched to everyone she should have been nice to and only changed her ways because she lost out on a trip abroad. Except Beth. Amy and Laurie are perfect for each other - Amy brought him out of his rich European hipster funk that SOMEBODY sent him into. Amy became Aunt March's loyal companion. She turned down Fred and his money! She cared for the aging Mr. Laurence. And Jo and Friedrich are adorable together!

Actually, the only character I detested (and I had to go to the modern movie for this) was the German mom who handed her sickly baby to poor Claire Danes. You, frau, killed Beth. You.

nicolarz

@ladygypsy Finally someone who agrees with me! Most of the horrible bratty things Amy did were when she was very young, once she got older she became a nicer and more interesting person.

Bebe

@ladygypsy I have to admit - when I was younger and read the book, I hated, HATED Amy. As an adult though, yes, you are 100% right. I mean, she is still a touch silly at the end of the novel, but she does grow the most throughout.

Also, I mean, I love Laurie, but he and Jo were ALL WRONG for each other. I'm sorry, but it's true! To put it in (only slightly) more modern terms - she is K-K-K-Katie and he is Hubble. She is far too complicated for him. He and End of Novel Amy are much better suited for each other.

E
E

@ladygypsy I just re-read this book and Anne of Green Gables and let me say, adult me definitely thinks Amy is the best character, and Meg the most sympathetic and Jo is actually somewhat awful. Burning the manuscript is such a REAL thing for a kid in one of these milksop novels to do- to really do such high stakes damage that can't just be easily wiped up or atoned is great.

And she grows up- she goes to Europe and follows her artistic talent, and tells Laurie to snap out of it, and is delightful. I think that is the best part of the book really- to acknowledge that sometimes bright interesting nice adults were total spoiled monsters.

Jo on the other hand, is sort of awful. Sorry, in the re-reading I really came to despise her. She's absolutely as much of a brat as Amy, but she gets to keep her moral highground despite there being no reason to.

royaljunk

@ladygypsy YESSSSSS, I was reading the comments getting sadder and madder by the second and ready to get on my AMY MARCH APOLOGIST SOAPBOX, but then you did it for me! I'm so glad!!

Amy is fantastic for all the reasons you listed, THERE I SAID IT, Y'ALL AMY HATIN' PINNERS ARE DEAD TO ME. *hairflip*

effystonem

@E Oh SHIT how great would an Anne of Green Gables "texts from" be???

I liked Jo when I was younger because I wanted to be a writer too, but as an adult I can see that she's one of those people with a very hard personality. Not that I would read the book/watch the movie again because I'm sure everyone would seem insufferable.

koume

@effystonem CARROTS CARROTS CARROTS

lisma

@ladygypsy thank you, I love you. And all of the March sisters, even Beth, the boring one.

Bittersweet

@effystonem *head explodes*

Bittersweet

@effystonem I wrote something a while back called "Anne of Green Gables in 2012," which was a fun exercise. But texts would be better.

effystonem

@Bittersweet And was that posted somewhere online that I could read, or...?

theotherginger

@Bittersweet yes. I love Anne. Except book 6. Or Rilla and Kenneth... yeth, that would be great

Bittersweet

@effystonem No - I considered putting it on my own blog but it's a bit dirtier than how I usually write. But here's a sample.

Mrs. Rachel Lynde is Properly Horrified

“Well, they didn’t pick you for your looks, that’s for damn sure,” was Mrs. Rachel Lynde’s emphatic comment. Mrs. Rachel was one of those delightful and popular people who pride themselves on speaking their mind without fear or favor. “Seems like she got hit too many times by the ugly stick, Marilla. Come here, kid, and let me look at you. Lord Jesus Mabel, did any one ever see such freckles? And hair as red as carrots! Get over here, kid, for pete’s sake.”

Anne “came there,” but not exactly as Mrs. Rachel expected. With one bound she crossed the kitchen floor and got right in Mrs. Rachel’s face, scarlet with anger, lips quivering, trembling from head to foot.

“Up yours, you fat f*cker of a she-b*tch,” she cried in a choked voice, stomping her foot on the floor. “I hate you – I hate you – I hate you –“a louder stamp with each assertion of hatred. “How dare you call me skinny and ugly, you old turd bag? How dare you say I’m freckled and redheaded, you sh*t-sucking ass-reamer? You are a rude, dong-licking, skanky old hag!”

“Anne!” exclaimed Marilla in consternation.

But Anne continued to face Mrs. Rachel undauntedly, head up, eyes blazing, hands clenched, passionate indignation exhaling from her like an atmosphere.

“How dare you say such things about me, you c*ck-sucking asshole?” she repeated vehemently. “How would you like to have such things said about you? How would you like to be told that you are the size of a house and mega-skeevy and probably haven’t gotten any in twenty years? I don’t care if I do hurt your feelings by saying so! I hope I hurt them, you fat-faced old sh*t bag! You have hurt mine worse than they were ever hurt before, even by Mrs. Thomas’ drunk-ass husband. And I’ll never forgive you for it, never, never!

Stamp! Stamp!

“Did anybody ever see such an oversensitive little c*nt!” exclaimed the horrified Mrs. Lynde.

Bittersweet

@theotherginger What's wrong with Book 6? Because it's more about the kids than about Anne? I'll admit my favorites are Book 3 (college) and 5 (marriage, move to Four Winds) but Book 6 is ok. And the confrontation with Christine at the end is just a classic.

theotherginger

@Bittersweet no, it's not the kids, it's that she seems to lose her personality. The Christine incident, however, is amazing.
my faves are also 1, 3, 5. I think 7 is fun, and a better direction for the series (that apparently LM Montgomery didn't want to write) than 6. 8 is just too sad, obvs.

thatgirl

The worst part about Jo not marrying Laurie is that it is entirely because Louisa May Alcott was pissed that people kept asking if they were going to get married! So she said "NO FUCK YOU" and THEY DIDN'T.

She would be so mad at us right now. But I don't care.

JO+LAURIE 4EVA.

TheLetterL

@thatgirl Just said the same thing upthread! I love that about good old Louisa May.

BadWolf

@thatgirl ALSO, I am pretty sure Prof. Baehr was based on Louisa May's composite crush on her dad's buddies Ralph Waldo Emerson and Henry David Thoreau. She had already tried to turn them into the rival suitors of a heroine based on herself in an earlier novel, Moods, which, for reasons that are fairly easy to imagine if you try to picture Emerson and Thoreau as romantic leads, no one ever wanted to read. But crushes die very hard.

meetapossum

@BadWolf Well, she obviously had terrible taste in men. (Exposing my Transcendentalist hate!)

Blackwatch Plaid

@meetapossum Here here! Oh poor me, I went to jail for a night. I'm just soooo persecuted!

D.@twitter

@thatgirl Think of all the fanfiction that has been written to rectify it...*goes off to find some*

lisma

ALL THIS AMY MARCH HATE.
She was just a child, you guys!

evil melis

@lisma Amy was definitely the Nellie Oleson of the March family. She was and is an unmitigated bitch who eventually learned how to play the game with a subtle hand.

PatatasBravas

@evil melis I like Amy for it. My sister is now-in-Europe Amy incarnate. Game recognizes game?

lisma

@evil melis she's still alive?

OxfordComma

@lisma: DON'T CARE. She was an absolute shit, and older than five.

DO NOT EXCUSE THE SHITTYNESS THAT IS AMY MARCH.

thebestjasmine

@OxfordComma Seriously, who the hell are these Amy March apologists? She was a terrible child, and then she became a terrible young adult, and then she became a snotty and sanctimonious old rich lady. Character development my ass.

LooseBaggyMonster

@thebestjasmine THANK YOU. And don't forget that Beth died while Amy was off gallivanting in Europe in order to realize that she didn't have any artistic talent and just wanted to be a lady of the manor.

SuperGogo

Where's You'll Be Sorry, Jo March? She's pretty much required to comment on this post, right? Aaaand maybe defend Amy's honor? (ha! good luck with that)

Joey

I love all the texts! Can I do one?

Little House Texts: These Happy Golden Years
Mrs. Brewster and Mr. Brewster:

Are you ever going to come out of the stable? Can you just watch your son for a minute so I can use the outhouse? Johnny is crying and oh FWIT I want to go back EAST

Will you even answer me

Fine. You can make your own salt pork and potato. By the way when are we going back EAST and get that schoolteacher out of here or I swear

***********
The Little House Texts: These Happy Golden Years
Laura Ingalls and Ida Brown

OMG Ida OMGOMG

Laura, WTF?

Mrs. Brewster...last nite...OMG she had a KNIFE

??? Laura just come home I'll send Almanzo

Just 2 more weeks Ida don't tell my Ma or Pa i have to stay and teach a teacher never leaves i won't get a certificate and Mary won't be able to stay at the college for the blind in Iowa

srsly Laura Almanzo can be there fast in the sleigh those horses are hella fast you can't stay there wtf happened

Mrs B is like crazy to go back east it's awful here the baby just cries nonstop and I sleep on a narrow couch and fear for my life every night but i have to stay don't tell anyone Ida

((((hugs)))

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@Joey Have you ever looked up what Almanzo looked like?? Dude was smokin'.

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Lu2

@bluewindgirl ---Mmmmm-hmmm.

Joey

@bluewindgirl Such a hottie homesteader!

evil melis

NOT ENOUGH OF YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT HOW HOT KATHARINE HEPBURN WAS AS JO PLS FIX

somuchsugar

@evil melis OH MY GOD I KNOW!!!

PistolPackinMama

@evil melis that is because I am at work and my bunk is veerrrrry far away.

pterodactgirl

@evil melis The best, just the best.

I wish there was some way to transport her into the more recent version because I cannot with Winona Ryder as Jo.

withatwist

@evil melis I had a bad mother (just kidding, my mom is better than Marmee) and she showed me the Winona Ryder version first. I was sixteen or so before I saw the K Hep version and I felt wronged.
But Christian Bale as Laurie. That I cannot get enough of.

Bittersweet

@evil melis NOT ENOUGH OF YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT HOW HOT KATHARINE HEPBURN WAS PLS FIX

(There. Fixed.)

Lyssachelle

@withatwist Now you have me thinking of a Hepburn as Jo and Bale as Laurie version...
Which I am so grateful could not exist because those versions of Jo and Laurie not getting together would incite me into setting things on fire and keening for days...

withatwist

@Lyssachelle I did not know I wanted that until now.

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@withatwist If you REALLY want to torture yourself, play my favorite "staring out the window on a long boring car ride" game and make impossible costars from classic eras and today.
Carole Lombard and Jon Hamm?
Marion Cotillard and Laurence Olivier? (Maybe Montgomery Clift, after reading @Anne Helen Petersen's recent column...I forgot how much I love him...)
Maggie Gyllenhaal and Gary Cooper?
It'll keep you occupied for days...and then make you sad it can't happen....

TheLetterL

The only thing I can add to the general discussion -- this is perfect, Amy is a brat, wtf Jo/Laurie/Prof Bhaer -- is that this is the first time I've ever laughed when Beth died. Kudos, melis.

Jane Err

"and you’re going to marry
him
with yourself"

...with yourself. I DIE.

Obviously, OBVIOUSLY, Jo made a devastatingly bad decision by not marrying Laurie. LAURIE YOU GUYS. She basically cursed him into having to deal with Amy forever.

The Attic Wife

@Jane Err It's true. It's true. And then she became a brood mare for a German. NOT OKAY LOUISA MAY.

At least he's mildly charming in the musical.

PrettyNicola

@The Attic Wife Didn't they only have like, two kids?

The Attic Wife

@PrettyNicola I thought they had, like, fifteen...oh. Oh hey. Wikipedia is telling me that not all those kids in Little Men sprang from her womb.

Bebe

OMG, Melis, you complete me.

Also, I am going to straight to hell for laughing about Beth. "You can't believe how much I'm dying right now."

Verity

I don’t remember anyone named Rodrigo in The Pilgrim’s Progress
THAT’S NEITHER HERE NOR THERE MEG

I am so happy that this exists.

Verity

@Verity Also, does anyone else think that is is incredibly weird that after Amy and Laurie get married, Laurie tells Jo she should come and live with them? I cannot get over how hideously awkward that would be.

Lu2
Lu2

@Verity --I think maybe Laurie had a little something special in mind. The Transcendentalists were into Free Love, after all. Me, I wouldn't touch Laurie with a bargepole after he'd been with Amy.

D.@twitter

@Verity I mean, back then wasn't it pretty typical to have spinster sisters living w/ one or another of their siblings?

Verity

@D.@twitter Yeah, that in itself isn't too weird - it's just that it wouldn't just be any spinster sister living with her married sister, it would be Jo living with her sister and the man who proposed to her. I would find it awkward.

OxfordComma

Amy March: BURN HER WITH FIRE.

OxfordComma

And also Jo March: YOU'RE AN IDIOT HAVE YOU EVEN LOOKED AT LAURIE???

sevanetta

This and the comments are the best ever. Now Melis. Please. Please please, please could you do the rest of the book? And by the rest of the book, I particularly mean the bit where Amy and Laurie get together and then when tell Jo (I know others have said this above, but I needed to add my voice!)

thatslikeyouropinionman

sweet sweet Melis! The people demanded Little Women and she served perfection! Seriously, this rekindled all my ragey feelings for Amy.

TheDragon

Umm... am I the only one who kind of identified with Amy? and couldn't stand Beth?

Ok. I'll just be over here being a bad person quietly. Don't judge me or I'll burn your manuscripts and steal your perfect man.

theotherginger

@TheDragon totes agree. I did not like beth. It was mostly Meg I could not stand.

onthesideofmyface

@TheDragon Totally agreed. Beth was way too perfect. Amy was like, I want to be pretty and charming and look at pretty charming things and make art! Now that is a life goal. "I want to be super nice to everyone always" is too I guess but it seems kind of smug?

theotherginger

@onthesideofmyface yeah - I think that it is too "perfect woman" for me, and looking back on it, obvs I identified with Jo, but she was pretty much the opposite of Meg. Middle-ish child, super -restrictive, blah blah blah

onthesideofmyface

FUCK YOU PROFESSOR BORING.

Shayna

When Jo turned down Laurie I was so upset I put the book down and refused to pick it back up for weeks. How could she?! >:|

Inconceivable!

I don't think I will ever love anything more than this series.

whimseywisp

First, I love this. Second, I really love Jo and her old German man. And I think the way Amy and Laurie get together is dreadfully romantic. I wouldn't have it any other way. Jo couldn't make herself love Laurie more than in a sisterly way, and I completely respect her for that. Also, I think Amy gets a bad rap. She really was just a kid. LOVE LITTLE WOMEN FOREVER & ALWAYS.

Lalochezia

JO WOULD HAVE BEEN MISERABLE IF SHE MARRIED LAURIE AND HAD TO BE A SOCIETY WIFE

THERE I SAID IT

It's still super-weird that he married Amy though.

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An amazing testimony on a spell caster who brought my wife back to me.. My name is Andy McSowers,i live in Australia,and I'm happily married to a lovely and caring wife,with two kids.A very big problem occurred in my family seven months ago,between me and my wife.so terrible that she took the case to court for a divorce.she said that she never wanted to stay with me again,and that she didn't love me anymore.So she packed out of my house and made me and my children passed through severe pain. I tried all my possible means to get her back,after much begging,but all to no avail.and she confirmed it that she has made her decision,and she never wanted to see me again. So on one evening,as i was coming back from work,i met an old friend of mine who asked of my wife.So i explained every thing to her,so she told me that the only way i can get my wife back,is to visit a spell caster,because it has really worked for her too.So i never believed in spell,but i had no other choice,than to follow her advice. Then she gave me the email address of the spell caster whom she visited.{arewaspecialisttemple@yahoo.com}. So the next morning,i sent a mail to the address she gave to me,and the spell caster assured me that i will get my wife back the next day.What an amazing statement!! I never believed,so he spoke with me,and told me everything that i need to do. Then the next morning, So surprisingly, my wife who didn't call me for the past seven {7}months,gave me a call to inform me that she was coming back.So Amazing!! So that was how she came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and she apologized for her mistake,and for the pain she caused me and my children. Then from that day,our relationship was now stronger than how it were before,by the help of a spell caster. So, i will advice you out there to kindly visit the same website {arewaspecialisttemple@yahoo.com},if you are in any condition like this,or you have any problem related to "bringing your ex back. So thanks to the arewaspecialisttemple for bringing back my wife,and brought great joy to my family once again. {arewaspecialisttemple@yahoo.com}, Thanks...

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